


On Hiatus

by A_memory_box24



Category: Kpop - Fandom, iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Kim Hanbin | B.I, Bobby may need to rescue Hanbin at some point, Bobby wants to help him, Domestic Fluff, Double B, Double B angst and romance, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hanbin being stubborn and proud, Hanbin is going to go through a hard time, Heartbreak, I will add more tags as the chapters unfold, Jealous Bobby, Lots of twists and turns, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Mysterious original character, NOT for the faint-hearted, No who am I kidding super heavy angst, Romantic Angst, Romantic Soulmates, Several Original Characters - Freeform, Sexual Tension, Skateboarding, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Will Hanbin let him, a bit of junhwan, bobby wanting to take care of Hanbin, double b are going to get frustrating, its going to get a lot worse before it gets better, just don't want to spoil anything, pretty heavy angst, semi AU semi canon, some violence, there will still be fluff though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2018-10-31 17:47:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 275,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10904316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_memory_box24/pseuds/A_memory_box24
Summary: Almost two years have passed since Hanbin made a decision that Bobby hasn't been able to forgive him for. Nearly two years of not a single word and no contact between them. However, when work unexpectedly forces them back into each other’s lives Bobby realises he still loves Hanbin and should never have let him go. Will Bobby be able to win Hanbin’s heart again before he falls for his persistent and mysterious super-fan who Bobby hates with a passion? Or will Bobby have to watch Hanbin move on without him, this time forever?





	1. Getting Back Out There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Induratize
> 
> (v.) to make one's own heart hardened or resistant to someone's pleas or advances, or to the idea of love.

“Guess who’s back?” Hanbin’s manager asked breaking the industrious silence of the room. Hanbin and his manager, Chung Namkyu, were in his studio, a small loft that sat above the garage of the unassuming townhouse Hanbin had bought in Mapo-Gu, not far from the YG building. It was a simple all-white studio with pale floorboards, a skylight, white walls and good acoustics.

Keen to get to work Hanbin had set it up rather quickly with expensive but reliable sound recording equipment and a keyboard. His mother had sweetly tried to beautify the studio along with the rest of the house when he’d first moved in, adding in some furniture to make it seem more homely, placing a few pot plants here there, and laying a stack of elegant photography books on the coffee table. However, she’d given up doing anything more to it once she’d realised Hanbin barely looked past his computer screen. Now she just made sure she stocked up his fridge whenever she came by, it was more practical.

Hanbin was at the computer mixing a new track he’d been working on with Tablo. His manager lay sprawled on the white leather couch across from him reading press releases on his phone. Hanbin took his time to reply to his manager, picking up from his tone of voice that Namkyu was in a teasing mood. Hanbin didn’t have much energy for teasing these days.

 “Who.” Hanbin responded finally.  

“Come on, you have to _try_. Guess.”

“Shady?” His manager shook his head at Hanbin’s awful joke.

“No. Bobby, Kim Jiwon, you idiot. He’s back from the states.”

The name caught Hanbin by surprise, like feeling something unexpected and sharp in the bottom of his shoe. He tried his hardest to keep his cool, fixing his eyes on the computer screen in front of him.

“Oh, he went to the states?” he replied, trying out his best casual voice.

“You _know_ he went to the states, Bin…” His managers voice was low and full of meaning. Hanbin’s face felt warm and his right hand fiddled nervously with the headphones sitting around his neck.

“He’s been there for quite a while now,” Namkyu continued slowly and steadily,  aware this information was going to be hard for Hanbin to process. “He worked on a mixtape over there, did some collaborations with some American artists, really got into the rap battle scene…and dated a fair bit by the sounds of things…”

Before he could stop himself Hanbin finally looked up at his manager unable to conceal the surprise on his face.

…Jiwon was _dating_? A _fair bit_?

Hanbin suddenly felt sick. Ever since Jiwon had broken up with him he’d known this day would come eventually. He’d also known that no matter how hard he prepared for the news it would still hit him like a punch. Now here it was, and it was as every bit as painful as he imagined. He took a moment to catch his breath against the emotional daggers plunging into his chest.

“I’m happy for him.”

His manager sighed. He got up off the couch, walked over to him at the desk and put a hand on his shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze. Hanbin groaned inwardly. He knew exactly what was coming next.  

“That’s very stoic of you, Hanbin…but listen, I’m worried about you.”

“Uh-huh,” Hanbin droned, having heard this countless times before.

“It’s been nearly two years since the two of you broke up -”

“- actually it’s been one year and nine months…” Hanbin corrected his manager flatly. Namkyu stared. Hanbin’s face went warm again.

“Ok, a year and nine months. Hanbin, it has probably felt like a really long time to you-”

“-it has.”

“-You were dealing with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of change-”

“-I was.”

“But nonetheless…you achieved a lot during this time, I’m really proud of you. Your solo album was critically acclaimed and hugely successful, you’ve won awards and the poetry collection you wrote with Tablo is still selling like hotcakes…But _you_ , on a _personal_ level…I don’t think you’re happy and I think it’s because you’re having trouble moving on from Kim Jiwon. I know it hurts to hear this but look, he’s moved on and I think it’s time you did too.” Hanbin looks up at his manger and smiled meekly.

“I’ve accepted it Nam, I accepted it ages ago…” Namkyu felt a powerful tenderness towards Hanbin come over him. But he shook his head and pulled up a chair next to Hanbin, wanting him to look at him and take him seriously. Namkyu was a strange guy, he was much older than Hanbin but in many ways he seemed the same age in the way he carried himself and spoke. He was incredibly professional and dependable yet he had a wicked sense of humour and a boldness that Hanbin appreciated for its authenticity. Although Namkyu loved to tease him he also knew that Namkyu’s faith in his creative abilities and genuine concern for his welfare was what made him so reliable...and pushy at times! The Namkyu sitting next to him now looked like a youthful father about to lecture his even more youthful son. Hanbin almost smiled.

“Accepting it and moving on are still two different things, Hanbin. I think it’s time you got back out there.”

“Out where…?” Hanbin murmured suspiciously, refusing to make eye contact and not liking the trajectory of the conversation at all.

“Back out there! Going out at night, meeting new people…having new experiences…”

 “You know I don’t like mindless parties, clubbing, and hanging out with the _right_ people, all the silly rumours and scandals that come with it…I prefer to be doing something I enjoy, like…”

“working in your studio by yourself till 4am?” His manager deadpanned disapprovingly. Hanbin smiled and chuckled.

“Yeah. And?”

“Hanbin, I need to be very honest with you. I am your manager but I also double as your YG appointed publicist, right?” Hanbin nods cautiously. “So, I need to take care of your image, right?” Hanbin nodded again more slowly. “Well Bobby coming back has caused quite the media frenzy. The tabloids are already speculating about your reaction because of that whole feud narrative they have going on between you two.”

Hanbin stared at his computer screen, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. That “feud narrative” had caused him enough grief and heartbreak already. He found it sadly ironic that the tabloids still relished in attributing the end of their relationship to a “business-related falling out.” If only they knew…that was not even the half of it…

“The media is predicting you’re going to avoid him, and so, your CEO and myself think it is best we disrupt those predictions by having you put on a positive front. YG doesn’t want feud narratives between his artists, that is going against the YG family image. And I personally think this is a good opportunity to get you out of this forever-single rut you are in at the same time.”

Hanbin stared at his manager anxiously…what the hell does he mean?

“…So that’s why I have taken the liberty of alerting a certain swanky Hongdae club that you will be gracing them with your presence this evening at 11:30pm.”

Hanbin’s face blanched white with horror.

“No.”

“Yes. Now come on, we’ve got to pick something for you to wear tonight. I’m going to give your stylist a call for some advice. You’re getting picked up tonight. Or picking up, but we both know that is less likely. Guy or girl, doesn’t matter. Best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone new.” Namkyu throws him a camp exaggerated wink.

Hanbin was rooted to his computer chair in a state of raw panic.

“And what if I refuse to go??”

“hmm….well, the media and the club are already expecting you to be there…so it will be a bit awkward/suspicious/sad if you don’t show up, particularly with Bobby back in town hitting up the clubs. They might think you’re trying to avoid something, you get me?”

“Oh my God, why have you done this??” Hanbin covered his face with his hands. He wasn’t ready for this, especially not after the Jiwon-dating news. The daggers were still stabbing his chest, he needed more time to process, to pull each dagger out, one by one.

“To be honest Hanbin, it’s because I love you, as a client and as a friend. If you don’t get out there the tabloids are going to have a fucking field day, creating sad, pitiful narratives about you avoiding Bobby in public places because you two are still “fighting.” But also, I gotta get you out there back in the game! I genuinely believe getting laid will be good for you, might give you some pep.”

“Oh my god,” Hanbin slumped in his chair feeling like he was going to pass out any moment. Namkyu ignored his state of despair and gave him a quick look-over.

“I’ll give your makeup artist and hairstylist a call too, you definitely need a bit of patching up before we head out…”

 

***

It was 11:30 and they should have been at the club already. Instead they were still in the car heading there. The stylist and hairstylist had finally finished dolling Hanbin up, the car had arrived, the bodyguard was suited up, and Namkyu was madly calling people, Hanbin presumed the other boys to invite them out. Then Hanbin had dug in his heels at the last moment. In a sudden panic he’d locked himself in the bathroom and leant over the basin, staring at his pallid face in the mirror, trying to catch his breath.

He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for the crowds, he wasn’t ready for the club, he wasn’t ready for the clubbers, he wasn’t ready for the cameras, he wasn’t ready to try and look like he was having fun. He wasn’t ready to move on.  

Namkyu had eventually coaxed him out by promising him that if he still wasn’t having fun after an hour they could leave.

“Promise??” Hanbin had pleaded nervously as his manager forced his head down and pushed him into the car as if Hanbin were the criminal and he the policeman.

“Yes, but there was a condition I forgot to mention.” Namkyu replied, swinging into the car himself.

“Namkyu!” Hanbin whined.

“We will stay as long as it takes. So you better work fast. If it takes an hour great, but if it takes you longer…see it’s up to you really.”

“As long as it takes for what??”

“I want you to either pick up or get picked up. It’s time to move on. Just be cool, the people will flock to you anyway. You just have to stand there and look pretty. You’re a handsome man Hanbin, and besides…you’re one of Koreas hip hop stars right now - you’re a famous rapper this shouldn’t be hard - so God help us! Just remember to flirt, you always forget that part! I don’t get it….” Namkyu’s lecture faded into the background as Hanbin stared out the window becoming lost in his thoughts, watching the neon nightlights of Seoul pop out of the darkness and spread a hazy multi-coloured glow over everything.

_Just remember to flirt…_

Hanbin still didn’t understand how people could just flirt with one another, make their desires so blatantly apparent. It seemed to him to be such a presumptuous act. Sure, he might be attracted to someone but telling them that seemed ridiculous unless he knew there was interest there. What right did he have to make his liking them _their_ problem? Furthermore, how could he tell when someone _wanted_ to be flirted with?

Hanbin knew how to be nice, polite and interested…but apparently, according to so many sources he’d lost count, that wasn’t the same as flirting. “Apparently,” you had to have a little something else…that little something else being: confidence, sex appeal, intention, humour, wit, mystery…there were other things but he’d forgotten them.

The boys had tried to teach him but they’d given up to a large extent, at least for the meantime. Hanbin’s theory was that he missed the time to learn how to flirt when he was a teen, he’d been too busy rapping and dancing in the YG practice rooms.  Now it was simply too late. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

And anyway, he’d never learned because he’d never needed to. Jiwon had been the flirter and Jiwon was the only person he’d ever been with. Even with Jiwon it had taken him months to warm up to the concept of expressing his feelings to Jiwon. What had seemed so easy under the guise of “friendship” had suddenly become so exposing once those intense secret feelings were finally out in the open.  But Jiwon was always so patient with him, happy to laugh off the awkwardness…

The car stopped sharply and a horn blasted from somewhere. They were caught in typical Hongdae traffic. Hanbin hoped they will give up and just take him home. His manager was talking agitatedly on the phone…

All this thinking made Hanbin nostalgic and he felt dread creeping over him because if there’s one thing he’d learned since being broken up with is that nostalgia is beautiful and seductive but dangerous and soul-destroying.

But it was already too late now. He leaned his head against the cool glass of the car window and suddenly he was in the practice room with Bobby, they’re both still trainees. He was leaning back against the mirrors and panting because he'd just finished practicing a new dance routine. Bobby had been watching on and because of that he was breathing unevenly too. They were standing just a foot apart and Hanbin’s heart was throbbing in his chest so hard he’s sure Jiwon can hear it, maybe even feel it.

“Show me how you did that, with your arms,” Bobby demanded with his usual cheerful carelessness.

“Like this.” Hanbin stepped forward and repeated the movement more slowly as Bobby watched on intently.

 “What, like this?” Jiwon tried again but gets it wrong, really wrong.

“No, no, not like that, like this. Come here,” Hanbin took Jiwon’s arms and arranges them at the correct angles, carefully positioning him like a store-front mannequin.

“There,” he said with satisfaction but Jiwon was giving him a strange, perplexed look. He was trying to hold back laughter with a fond smile pulling at his mouth.

“What?” Hanbin asked, what did he do wrong? Then he realised Jiwon had just been trying to flirt with him. Jiwon knows the move just fine, he just wanted Hanbin to touch him. Hanbin blushed and dropped Jiwon’s arms.

“I don’t get you sometimes,” Jiwon admitted smiling, “Your performance persona is so solid it’s basically acting. That’s why you kill every monthly evaluation. You can do sexy, angry, happy, sad, vengeful…But the moment you’re in the real world you can’t fake that same confidence for shit, can you?” Hanbin laughed bashfully. It was true he could act flirty but for some reason he couldn’t actually “be” flirty.

“I know, you’re right. It’s weird.”

“Really weird…,” Bobby agreed pulling Hanbin to his chest, “…but I like weird,” Bobby affirmed with a tender smile, his gaze lowering to Hanbin’s lips.

“I don’t know why I’m so awkward in real life…” Hanbin’s voice had become breathy and thin, the way it always did when Jiwon held him. “…I guess I am still working out how to be me in real life. Too much performing, that’s my problem. I learned how to be everyone else, every character imaginable, before I learned how to be me.” Bobby’s smile widened. Hanbin adored his crooked front teeth so much he thought his heart was going to burst.

“Still working out how to be you…well if that’s it, then cool. I like what I see now but I also look forward to seeing the final product.”

Then Jiwon had kissed him, there in that practice room against the mirrors. It had been a bold, unapologetic kiss that sent Hanbin’s whole body spinning into joyful overdrive.

But that was years ago, and as Hanbin could bitterly see now it had been rather naïve of him to believe Bobby so earnestly. It had turned out that Bobby hadn’t wanted to stick around to see the final product. He’d opted out of that a year and nine months ago.

 

***

When their car finally arrived outside the club it is just as crazy as Hanbin hoped it wouldn’t be. Outside was a swam of paparazzi, flashing lights, microphones waving like batons, cameras swinging wildly enough to knock someone out. They have breached the security barriers and are spilling around the car like ants crawling over a dead insect. Thankfully the security team of the club regain control, barging through and clearing away the cameras so Hanbin and his manager could leave the car unscathed. As they walked quickly to the club, the paparazzi didn't hold back form blasting Hanbin with questions.

“KIM HANBIN HAVE YOU HEARD BOBBY HAS RETURNED FROM THE STATES?”

“HAS BOBBY MADE CONTACT WITH YOU SINCE HE RETURNED?”

 ‘HAVE EITHER OF YOU MADE A MOVE TO RECONCILE?”

“WHY DO YOU HATE KIM JIWON??”

“WHY DOES KIM JIWON HATE YOU?”

Once they made it up the stairs to the club they stopped to catch their breath. His manager turned to Hanbin to check he hadn’t been hurt in the scramble.

“Don’t listen to that shit, Hanbin, don’t let it get to you.”

“No, they asked some good questions,” Hanbin laughed, trying to hide how flustered he’s feeling.

“Here, let’s just pull this down here a little bit more…” his manager tugged down his shirt which was already open a button more than Hanbin likes. Nihilism is more than on show. Hanbin grumbled and pushed the fiddling hands away. He wasn't feeling particularly comfortable in his outfit tonight...it was very…awards show. Black shirt, ripped black jeans, leather jacket, his black and blonde hair swept down over his brow to hide his tired eyes, plenty of bling in his ears, glossy eyelids and lips...it didn't match his desire to blend in, go unnoticed.

“You look good, really sexy. You ready?”

“…Can we go now?” His manager just smiled, grabbed his hand and pulled him through the club doors.

The club was all darkness and purple flashing lights. It was thumping with music like a large angry heart, the pulse of which hanbin can feel reverberating throughout his entire body so powerfully it almost sets his heart palpitating. He noticed heads turning to look at him and a few points, whispers behind hands as he shuffles through the people and tries to keep his eyes on the back of his manager’s head, happy to be led so he doesn’t have to look like he knows what he’s doing.

They have an area reserved off to the side but Namkyu refused to let Hanin hide out in the sidelines of the action. He pulled him to the bar.

“Bourbon on the rocks, thanks,” Namkyu asks then add nodding to Hanbin, “he’s good, he doesn’t drink.” Hanbin cringes.

“So when are the boys getting here?” Hanbin asked tensely. He’d hoped they’d already be here..

“Hanbin you’re here to get some action. You don’t need any of the boys stealing your thunder.”

“You didn’t invite the boys?!”  

“Start looking happy because we’ve got some company.” Hanbin felt his stomach drop. He looked over his shoulder and sure enough there were three women walking over. They were tall and very beautiful, most likely models. This club only let in the famous and beautiful. He took a deep breath, fixed on his best polite yet mysterious smile, and turned to meet them.

 

***

Time passed by slowly for Hanbin as his manager proved to be right. The people came to him. Upcoming models, actors, producers, celebrity lawyers, famous instagrammers and youtubers. They all began by telling Hanbin how much they loved his music and finished by asking him and his manager to join them for drinks or on the dancefloor. Each and every time  Hanbin would thank them and tell them he’d come and find them a bit later. Each and every time they would walk away his manager would grab him by the arm and hiss in his ear.

“STOP DOING THAT. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET LAID IF YOU KEEP THAT UP? Just accept an invitation already!”

Hanbin had once again stopped listening to Namkyu, something had caught his eye. A large group had just arrived and they didn’t seem like typical clubbers. They looked like they had just come from an important function and they were all wearing black tie outfits. The men were in crisp suits and the women were in black dresses. But what was interesting was the contrast between their elegant clothing and their personal appearances. They all seemed rather street cool as opposed to gangster cool or glamorous cool. There was something unpolished about them, a nonchalance that made Hanbin curious to know who they were. It was like they happened to be in this extremely exclusive club not because they desperately wanted to be, more because why not? They would hang around for a while and move on when things got boring.

“Huh, interesting,” His manager said slowly. “They were right, this club does attract the big names.” His manager was also looking over at the new arrivals.

“Who are they?”

“Hanbin, you really have been living under a rock haven’t you?” Hanbin smiled, he wasn’t good at keeping up with celebrity news…not since he’d started featuring in it. “See the guy with the neck tattoos? That’s our Nation’s greatest gift to the international street skating scene so far. Jang Yeongjin. Recently scored himself quite a few impressive sponsorships. He’s doing really well right now, he’s at the peak of his career.” Now that Namkyu had pointed him out Hanbin was wondering why he hadn’t noticed the skater before. That said his companions seemed quite protective of him, standing close to him and mostly blocking him from view.

The skater was by far the most striking person in the club. In some ways he seemed suave yet conventional in his black suit and tie, parted and slicked back hair, half-rim glasses, bow tie and expensive looking sneakers. But it was the dangerous and bold contrast between this refined elegance and the wild colour and fury of his densely tattooed skin that made him stand out from the crowd. His neck was entirely tattooed and the images that dotted his knuckles and his ankles on show beneath his cropped trousers suggested there were far more tattoos still hidden. He wasn’t conventionally attractive in the sense that his face was a bit too long and thin, his cheekbones too high and pronounced, his mouth too wide and teeth too big so that his smile had a strangely juvenile, sinister look about it. However, if he knew this about himself he didn’t let on. Now he knew he was a skater it made sense to Hanbin. He had that cool, no-fucks-to-give, slightly eccentric air most skaters seemed to have.

“The Reaper!” His manager announced happily interrupting Hanbin’s staring.

“What?”

“I couldn’t remember it for a second. You know how they give all these elite sportspeople corny nicknames that somehow catch on and become cool? Yeah well in the skating scene he’s called The Reaper because _apparently_ he never fails to “kill” his competition.” Namkyu chortled dismissively, badly hiding the fact he was actually a little impressed.  

Jang Yeongjin’s presence in the large club was magnetic. His facial expressions flashed between an ironic blank stare and sexy, lopsided, grin with sultry eyes. Hanbin couldn’t stop staring, he just seemed like a very rich character in a sea of bland sheep. He was so distracted that for several long seconds he failed to register their eye contact. Realising that he was in fact staring hard into the eyes of the famous skateboarder he’d never met Hanbin quickly looked away blushing hard.

Hanbin often wondered how different his love life would have been if he hadn’t taken the YG route. What if he’d dated during highschool? Would that mean he’d be able to walk up to that guy right now and handle it? He didn’t know…but he didn’t even know for sure that was what he wanted. His manager moved in closely so he could be heard over the music.

“So uh, the reaper just checked you out,” Hanbin scoffed derisively. Namkyu could be such a tease. “What’s your best pick up line?”

“No need for one. I’m staying right here,” Hanbin quipped stubbornly, swirling melting ice in the bottom of his glass.

“Ahhh yes you do, he’s heading over right now.”

Hanbin spun around in a panic. his heart thumped manically as he saw that, yes indeed, the skateboarder was prowling his way through the packs of people in his direction, his eyes focused on Hanbin, glinting dangerously behind his half-rimmed glasses.

“Fuck, what do I do??” Hanbin asked his agent wildly.

“Have fun you idiot! I’ll come get you later, ok?” To Hanbin’s horror his agent pushed off from the bar and was quickly absorbed by the crowds. Hanbin almost went to follow his manager but something told him that wouldn’t look very cool.

Anyway it was too late, Jang Yeongjin was right there in front of him. He was standing so close Hanbin could smell his cologne, it was incredible. He smelt like heady pine forest swept by crisp, sea breeze from the coast nearby. Hanbin knew he should say something so he didn’t look like a deer caught in headlights but he just couldn’t think of anything. He was vaguely aware of the clubbers around them moving away, giving the two celebrities some space…or maybe they just wanted a better view to watch what happened next. Hanbin had a much better view of the skater's tattoos now he was so close. Most strikingly was the skull sitting right on his adam's apple. It was surrounded by flowers and other strange symbols that were new to Hanbin. 

There was a strange electric presence between them, as if their unique, personal energies were meeting halfway, resulting in an unexpected chemical reaction that sent tongues of fire flickering intensely at each other’s chests.  

“Jang Yeongjin,” the skater bowed and held out his hand with no further explanation. 

“Kim Hanbin, please meet you – uh- nice pleasure – uh,” Hanbin bowed too, stuttering over his words and wondering furiously when and why his tongue had suddenly become too big for his mouth. He took Yeongjin’s hand in his and shook it, hoping he didn’t notice how clammy his palm was. He went to release Yeongjin’s hand but the skater held on, pulling Hanbin forward slightly as he leaned in to speak in his ear.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Later Hanbin would wonder and still not be able to explain exactly why he said had said “sure,” completely forgotten his manager and followed Yeongjin through the club, down the fire exit stairs, into the deserted alley way behind the club, around the corner onto the main street, and into a cab.

Maybe it was the fact that in that moment Yeongjin had been so confident and intriguing that he’d felt that declining was simply not an option available to him in that current dimension and universe. Maybe it was because he was actually flattered, that the hottest guy in the bar had made a move on _him_ , Mr. Awkward. Or maybe it was because in that moment Hanbin felt desire pulse in his stomach for the very first time since he and Bobby had broken up and he was too stunned to do anything but go along for the ride.

 **He** swung into the cab feeling totally surreal. It’s happening. You’re going back to someone’s house. You’re going to have a one night stand. But when the driver asked where they were headed Yeongjin looked at him with brows raised questioningly.

“Do you have a preference?” Yeongjin asked him as if it was no big deal that they were two strangers jumping into a cab to head home together after exchanging virtually a handful of words in a club. Hanbin’s stomach dropped. He didn’t know how to answer. Was there a protocol? Did the “picker-upper” offer their place or was it the duty of the “picked-up” to offer their place??

“I don’t mind” Hanbin replied immediately regretting such a tame answer, but Yeongjin nodded.

“Cool…It’s a little way away, but you can just sit back and relax. You look like you could do with that.” He gave Hanbin a lopsided, toothy smile that sent his heart fluttering self-consciously. Was it that obvious he was almost shitting himself right now?

They were in the cab for a while, mainly in silence. Yeongjin broke the silence at one point to ask the driver if he could smoke, and when he received permission, he offered Hanbin a cigarette. Hanbin declined feeling very puritan. They resumed the strange silence. They finally drove into an area of Seoul Hanbin had never been. It was an industrial district, all factories, vacant lots awaiting development, storage facilities, and warehouses. Hanbin looked out the window slightly confused. This didn’t seem like a residential area at all. There wasn’t a house or block of apartments in sight. Hanbin realised Yeongjin was looking at him. He gave Hanbin another lazy smile.

“Almost there.” He said in a singsong voice.

“Cool.” Hanbin had to keep his sentences short because his voice was quivering so bad.

“Yep, just here, Thank you.” Yeongjin tossed the driver the fare and hopped out of the cab, walking around to the other side to open the door for Hanbin. Hanbin accepted the gesture feeling rather flattered. The cab drove off and Yeongjin took one last drag from his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and crushing it under one of his sneakers.

“Right, shall we move on?” Yeongjin smiled at him ironically . Hanbin managed a small smile in return. He was too busy mentally preparing himself for what was about to come. He hasn’t slept with anyone since…well if he got technical…not since the last time he’d been with Jiwon and that was just before their breakup...so that what...one year, nine months and 5 days??

He was beyond surprised when Yeongjin didn't lead him down the street to an apartment block, but to wire fence and locked gate. Hanbin looked beyond the gate and saw a sign. Suddenly he felt incredibly stupid. They were at a skatepark. Yang Jeongjin wasn’t taking him back to his place..

But what did this mean? Did he just want to be friends? Should he flirt?

He managed to hide his confusion and cringe attack before Yegonjin pulls up a loose piece of fence near the ground and turned to him.

“We go under here.” Once again Hanbin followed his orders without hesitation and climbed under as elegantly as he could manage. Yeongjin followed quickly, managing to make even something as clumsy as scrambling under a gate look easy and sophisticated in his suit. They walk towards a large warehouse looking building and then Yeongjin told Hanbin to wait.  He disappeared into the darkness, Hanbin heard a few rusty doors opening and closing, and then Yeongjin returned with a skateboard and having successfully turned on the outdoor lighting. Now Hanbin could see more fully how huge the outdoor skating park really was. There were ramps, stairs, half-pipes, ledges, concrete shapes, all merged into what look like a town planner’s zany acid trip. Yeongjin who has been gazing out over the park turned to Hanbin and gave him an unexpectedly shy smile.

“I have to confess something to you. I’m a fan and not just any fan, a serious one. I listened to your album last year for the first time when I was preparing for the Street League Skateboarding comp. I listened to it all the way through probably about…fifty times? It blew my mind and I went on to win the comp. So, when I saw you at the club tonight I knew had to talk to you or else I would never forgive myself.” Hanbin didn't know what to say. He was used to hysterical, loving, screaming, crying, stalking, gift-giving, swarming, devoted fans. Jang Yeongjin, an effortlessly cool professional skateboarder had been fanboying over _him_? It's even more surreal considering that he didn't even know Jan Yeongjin existed before tonight...

Without another word Yeongjin slipped the skateboard down under his feet just as he stepped on, and began gliding around the park with an absorption that was electrifying to watch.  It was like Hanbin wasn’t there anymore. He very much was so, however, watching transfixed by how effortless yet unpredictable Yeongjin made skateboarding look-  throwing himself down railings, sweeping up on half pipes before riding the edge and flying down again, jumping up on kerbs complete with ollies and kick flips.

“You like it?” Yeongjin asks flying past him before pulling up to a smooth stop some metres away.

“Yeah, I do...you make it look so easy.”

“I knew you’d like it…” Yeongjin smiled flashing his teeth, ignoring the compliment and continuing as if Hanbin hadn’t spoken. “I knew from your music and lyrics you’d be the kind of person who’d appreciate the aesthetic of an empty skatepark at night. Not a soul in the world, just empty bowls and ramps, all crumbling from neglect, graffiti everywhere, broken boards laying around...but this place is where I learned to skate. This place represents big dreams.” Hanbin tried to hide his shock that this almost-stranger claimed to have spent time listening to his music and imaging what aesthetic he, B.I., would or wouldn’t like. Yeongjin skated over to him.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked, softly with his eyes looking at his with an intense curiosity. Hanbin nodded. “How much of your music is you? As in _your_ stories, _your_ life, _your_ feelings, _your_ memories?” Hanbin was surprised by the serious nature of the question but happy to discover this was a kind of conversation Yeongjin wanted to have. After all there was nothing he enjoyed more than talking about music and what it achieved.

“It’s all me. Well, at least with my album it was. Those songs were me through and through. That’s what made it such a scary and amazing process, I guess. At the same time though I think it’s important to be able to create and perform music that isn’t always totally _you_. Like earlier music I wrote and performed wasn’t always me exactly. I’m sure no doubt that you’ve heard people say after seeing a show something along the lines of “wow, that was such a powerful performance, you could really feel the heartbreak! That song must be such a meaningful song for them!” And that’s true, when you perform something that is personal it is an amazing feeling. There’s nothing like it, for me that is a special kind of heaven…

“…At the same time though, if you can only sing or rap or dance powerfully and emotionally to music you can relate to…then you’re probably lacking imagination and going to limit yourself. Also does that mean that you need to constantly put yourself through drama, and pain, and heartbreak to be able to keep performing? If so that’s not very sustainable…you need to have more creative resources to draw upon, to be able to deliver consistently.

“So, you have to work hard, look at the song you’re struggling to relate to and break it down into emotions. For example, the song might be about being cheated on but if you’ve never been cheated on then you focus on the anger…the humiliation… the need for pain…well, that’s what I do anyway…” Hanbin broke off feeling sheepish. He’d always found it hard to shut up when he got onto these kinds of topics. Yeongjin is stared at him blankly, his head cocked to the side, glasses picking up a reflection from the overhead lamppost. Hanbin couldn't tell if he'd interested Yeongjin or bored him. Yeongjin jerks his head in another direction. 

“Come,” Hanbin follows as Yeongjin heads over to what looks like a huge, deep, empty swimming pool. However the bottom isn’t flat like a swimming pool, it is bumpy, full of strange mounds. As if reading his mind Yeongjin threw him a cheeky smile

“Hop in! Let’s go for a swim.” 

“What? Get in there? How?

“Just sit on the edge and slide in. Unless you’re precious about your clothes. If that’s the case you can walk around to there” Yeongjin points to the furthest end of the bowl where there is a small set of inbuilt mounds doubling as stairs. Suddenly Hanbin was determined not to give Yeongjin the impression he was “precious” about his clothes. He sat down on the edge of the bowl tentatively, getting ready to slide down. He looked around at the skater who was watching him carefully with an amused expression on his face.

“Are you coming in too..?” Yeongjin laughed at that.

“You bet. Get in there already and I’ll join you.” Hanbin slid down into the bowl, using his feet to slow his way down. He made it without too much humiliation and stood up and dusted himself off. Then there was the clacking sound of wheels and a whoosh. Yeongjin had plunged off the edge and was now skating up and down the bowl, racing past Hanbin and riding up on the edges, flipping and flying back down past him again, so close every time he comes near Hanbin can smell his cologne. Hanbin watches in awe, adrenalin racing as he secretly fears Yeongjin may hit him on his way back down. The bowl suddenly feels small with Yeongjin skating in it while he stands vulnerable and exposed right in the middle.

Yeongjin flys up the side of the bowl and this time comes to a halt on edge, catching his board from underneath with one foot and a hand. He smiles down at Hanbin who looks up at him dazed and impressed.

“Take a walk around, I won’t hit you, I promise.”  Hanbin can’t believe it but he is a bit nervous when he starts slowly wandering around. Once again Yeongjin is flying past him effortlessly and elegantly. All his moves are incredibly fast yet leisurely at the same time, as if being in the air unsupported for dangerously long period of time is more natural for him than staying still. It is also a bizarre but beautiful sight, seeing this heavily tattooed man skate in a deserted skatepark whilst wearing a suit and tie. Hanbin feels like he is in a dream, a photograph or a music video set.

Eventually Yeongjin came to another stop at a different point on the edge and sat down contentedly. Hanbin wants him to keep skating. He feels something seeing Yeongjin skating…like it’s a metaphor for something inspiring he can’t put his finger on.

“I showed you my tricks, now you can show me yours.”

Hanbin chuckled awkwardly. He was put on the spot now, it was if he was being caught off guard without a secret talent on a variety show. He looked up hoping Yeongjin was joking but he is dead serious.

“Like, what…? I don’t really have tricks…”

“Dance. I’ve seen you dance loads of times before. Dance for me.”

Hanbin bit his lip nervously and shook his head. Dance here, in this bowl? For this hot guy he’d just met two hours ago? He decided to laugh it off.

“Then you’ve seen it all before, I’ve got nothing new to show you.” Yeongjin raised an eyebrow in amusement.

“You’re pretty shy for a rapper, aren’t you? Aren’t you guys supposed to have huge egos?” Yeongjin toppled over the edge again and skimmed gracefully down the side of the bowl pulling up right in front of Hanbin. Hanbin’s stomach jolts as yeongjin bends down slightly to collect his skateboard “Good thing you’re so attractive, that makes up for the lack of ego.” Then suddenly Yeongjin’s hand moved to Hanbin’s face, and with long, calloused fingers he flicked some of Hanbin’s bangs aside out of his eyes.

Hanbin’s brain exploded with a hundred racing thoughts. Is this flirting? Does this count as a confession? Is he asking me to go home with him? Is he asking _me_ to ask _him_ to go home with _me_? What do I do now??

“No but really, if I can ride a plank of wood around a man-made pool, you can show off a few of your sickest dance moves. What’s stopping you?”

Once again, later when he reflected upon this whole night Hanbin also wouldn’t be able to explain what happened next. The whole night was one unknown, random, strange event after the other. Maybe he was overwhelmed, maybe he didn’t want Yeongjin to be offended, maybe in that moment he just really wanted to be honest and didn’t have the strength to hide that. But regardless of the reason it all came out in a strangely emotional rush.

“I’ve never been good at improvising, just making stuff up on the spot…that goes for dancing and rapping. I’m the kind of person who needs to practice, to prepare. I’m afraid of getting things wrong. I don’t want to fuck up, look stupid in front of you. I hate making mistakes. I’ve only got one life and I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t want regrets…I can’t just _do_ things. I-I-need time to prepare. Sorry.” He realised he was shaking. He hoped his lips weren’t trembling the way they always did when he was nervous. To his relief though Yeongjin didn't laugh. He met Hanbin’s eyes with unflinching candour.

“That’s a lot to be afraid of.” Hanbin laughed. Too hard. He stopped abruptly and looked down at this feet. Yeongjin’s sneakers are almost touching his they’re so close. “Thank God I don’t get scared anymore. I gave it up years ago when I started skating. You can do it too, I can teach you.”

“T-teach me how to skate?” Hanbin stammered.

“No, how to give up fear!” Yeongjin laughed out loud.

“Can people do that? Just give up fear?”

“Sure, if they try hard enough. That’s what I did.” Hanbin laughed thinking Yeongjin is being facetious but he didn't smile. Hanbin felt rude and tried to backtrack.

“Well…if you think you can do it?”

“Think? I _know_ I can. You just have to want to. That’s all.” Then without breaking eye contact Yeongjin begins reciting something that sounded like a poem. It took a few lines before Hanbin realised Yeongjin was quoting the second verse from the fourth track on his album. It was called Track Number 4. At the time he wrote it he had felt any title would have undermined it somehow, the feelings it expressed were too big for labels. Yeongjin smiles with his wide mouth as he speaks, enjoying the surprise that passed over Hanbin’s face. Yeongjin recited the verse clearly and with a passion that gave Hanbin goosebumps. It was amazing to have someone speak his own words back to him with the conviction they had somehow touched them deeply, irrevocably. Those were his lyrics and they had come from the rawest, most honest part of himself. He was overwhelmed. As Yegonjin came up to the last line he paused mid-rhyme for dramatic effect before continuing.

“fuck these inhibitions, I want to be fearless.”

***

 

“SHIT” Hanbin’s manager yelped in surprise, nearly spilling the coffee he’d just bought from the little hipster café downstairs all over his shirt. Namkyu rocked up at the studio to get started on some work assuming Hanbin had gone home with Jang Yeongjin the night before and wouldn’t be back till midday at least. He had walked into Hanbin’s studio, where he had long ago poached a desk and claimed as his “office,” expecting to find it empty. He had a thumping hangover headache and was just pulling up a set of blinds when suddenly Hanbin had wished him a good morning, appearing like a ghost in the gloom. Hanbin laughed and stood up to help his manager with the blinds, giving his arm an apologetic pat as he did so.

“Hanbin!! What are you doing here?? It’s 10am??”

“I know.”

“Didn’t you go home with Jang Yeongjin last night??”

“Well…I went to one of his homes….”

Namkyu gave him a strange look and Hanbin laughed.

“He took me to a skatepark and showed off for about an hour or so. It was actually really cool. Skate parks are really cool at night…all empty, lonely, weird-looking…he was a really great skater too, he made it look so easy! ”

“Ok so you went to the skatepark, then what??”

“No, just the skatepark. I was back home by three...or half past, something like that.”

“And let me guess, you didn’t even sleep you just came here and worked.” Hanbin paused, gave his manager a hesitant look, then finally nodded meekly. “Kim Hanbin, you are the most stubborn, independent, strong-willed, mal-adaptive person I have ever met.” Hanbin tossed his head back and laughed. Nothing could get him down. He was still on a high.

“You forgot perfect in every way shape and form.”

“So did anything happen??” Hanbin squirmed uncomfortably at his desk which he’d just returned to.

“Do you mean…did we flirt?” It was Namkyu’s chance to laugh now. Hanbin was adorably naïve for someone who’d been in a relationship for five years. He had a bizarre way of acting as though he didn't realise people did anything with each other besides hold hands. 

“Yeah flirting or anything more…substantial??”

“Ohhh...nope. Thank god.” Hanbin muttered with relief looking flustered. Namkyu sank his face into his hands in despair.

“Did you at least set up another date??”

“No. But he gave me his business card and told me to call him.” Hanbin triumphantly held up a black card with white text and skull on it looking pleased with himself.

“And?? Have you texted him yet?? Asked him out??” Hanbin froze.

“…do I have to?” Namkyu groaned. Hanbin continued anxiously, “Say I did hypothetically want to see him again don’t I have to wait a day before texting? Or no, was it two days…or four, I’m sure someone told me four days is best.”

“What am I going to do with you Hanbin?”

“You could get me a coffee??” Hanbin shot him a cheeky, imploring smile complete with hopeful puppy dog eyes glancing between his face and the coffee in his hand.

“Actually, you know what, let’s go downstairs and I will get you one. I have to talk to you about something. I got a call early this morning, too fucking early, from YG about a new opportunity for you that you are going to find hard to turn down…but there is one catch you may not like at all...”

“What?”

“Let’s just go get some caffeine into you. I mean me.”

***

 

Hanbin stared hard at his manager sitting across from him, his hands clutched around his steaming cup of coffee.

“Let me get this straight. YG is having another survival program. He wants me to take part as a judge and mentor for three episodes. But the catch is Jiwon will be featuring on the exact same episodes as a mentor and judge too?”

 “Yep.” His manager gave him a tight-lipped smile. Namkyu had one hundred arguments why Hanbin should take the opportunity and was ready to bust them out at the slightest sign of resistance. However, he had underestimated Hanbin's unpredictability. 

“Of course, I will do it.” Namkyu's eyes widened. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Is it because you feel obliged because it’s YG asking you?”

“No, I want to. I owe YG everything I have but also I would love a chance to be a judge and mentor for these new upcoming kids…I don’t really think I am the best to give them advice yet, like I’m working still working stuff out myself, but I really want to…I want to be part of that process for them.”

"What about working with Jiwon? Do you realise you are going to end up having to spend a fair bit of time with him?"

"Yes..but we're both adults. We can handle this maturely."

“Well, great. I didn’t even have to break your arm! I guess I will forgive you for not banging Yeongjin. Let’s get back to work, come on I will let YG know.”

They left the café and walked around the corner to where Hanbin’s townhouse was located one building away. While his manager’s back was turned as he unlocked the door Hanbin quickly slipped out Yeongjin’s business card out of his pocket, folded it, and dropped it in a nearby bin. He didn't need it anymore. 

“After you,” Namkyu held open the door for Hanbin. Hanbin gave his manager an apologetic yet thankful smile, for everything, and went in.


	2. Getting Over You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anagapesis
> 
> (n.) No longer feeling any affection for someone you once loved.

An annoying buzzing filled the messy, dark bedroom. Piles of abandoned sneakers, tops and jeans littered the floor in piles all leading up to a huge, cozy bed upon which lay a still fully-dressed Bobby. As the buzzing went on and on he finally swiped an arm across the bed blindly, trying to scare away what he absurdly thought in his barely lucid state must be a giant-ass-monster bee. But no giant-ass-monster bee could be found and he didn't have the strength to investigate any further, that would involve lifting his head which felt like a bowling ball. 

"STOP ALREADY STUPID BEE !" he groaned hoarsely into his pillow. It stopped. He grumbled in relief and within seconds he was almost asleep again...but the buzzing returned.  _Oh_ , he realised groggily, it was his _phone_. He'd adjusted the settings to super loud last night because he'd been out clubbing. And Jesus, how much had he drunk last night to render him unable to even identify the sound of his own phone? Actually, he decided sleepily, he didn't want to know. 

Bobby decided whoever was incessantly calling could wait. It was just him and his bed and that was the only relationship that truly mattered right now. Except for that beautiful girl with the lilac hair from last night who'd entered her number in his phone...now that was a relationship he wanted to work on. He'd give her a call later that day. His loose grasp on consciousness dissolved, he let go and slipped back into the warmest part of sleep, that peaceful, cozy oblivion he loved so much…

“JIWON!”

Bobby had no idea how much time had passed but all he knew was that now someone was shaking him awake. He let out a strangled cry of surprise as they continued berating him.

“You lazy bum! You stood me up!” Bobby opened an eye, the one the wasn’t smooshed into his pillow, and saw an angry, yet somehow still smiley, Donghyuk sitting next to him on his bed like a beautiful blonde ray of sunshine. It took him a few moments to remember what Dong was talking about. 

"I waited for twenty minutes and called you three times you jerk!"

"Aww shit, sorry man, sorry, sorry! Here get into bed, man," Bobby rolled over and pulled back the covers, inviting him in with a charming, sleepy smile. Donghyuk shook his head but couldn't resist Bobby’s cuteness onslaught.

"Ok, fine, we can chill for a bit...but I still want pizza! And no, I'm ok.." Dong laughed looking at Bobby’s bed, "I'm not sure who's been in there, I'll just sit here."

... Dong had called him the previous night to inform him they were going to get lunch together the next day. He had something “important” he wanted to discuss. Bobby at the time was practically off his face in the club, right in the middle of some kind of mosh with what felt like at least ten people grinding up against him, roaring at him to get up on the stage and take the party up a notch. He’d impulsively agreed to the lunch date, which Dong had heard on the other end of the line as a wild inaudible roar, and then hung up just as the crowd picked him up and surfed him to the stage.

He’d only been back in Seoul just over a week but he had settled into the steady rhythm of Seoul’s clubbing scene before he’d had hardly any time to miss the clubs in L.A.  The boys were already complaining they’d hardly seen him since the meal they’d shared the day after he got back. The six of them ate at Yunheyong’s family restaurant and their reunion had been a joyful moment complete with silly squealing, happy tears, corny declarations of love, and a massive group hug. Although Bobby’s time in the U.S. had far exceeded his expectations in terms of enjoyment he’d still missed them terribly and it was clear they felt the same way.

"Kimbap! You're back! How does it feel??" Jinhwan asked earnestly from across the table. Bobby was beaming as they all waited for his reply.

"Fucking amazing. I feel great and can't wait to get back into work here! I feel ready for anything!" They had all raised their glasses to that.

However, as they ate, joked, laughed, shared food and talked, Bobby began to notice the elephant was still very much in the room…it had literally just replaced Hanbin. Bobby gradually picked up on an a persistent hopefulness emanating from the boys. He noticed the meaningful glances Donghyuk and Jinhwan exchanged when they thought he wasn’t looking. The satisfied way Yunhyeong was shoveling bbq pork into his mouth as though he had won some kind of battle, how he caught Chanwoo staring at him happily with those big teddy bear eyes. The way Junhoe had begun the meetup all serious and aloof as if bracing himself for the worst and had become more and more his normal sassy, playful self as the meal went on.

Bobby realised to his horror that they were all looking for a sign that it was just a matter of time before things went back to normal, back to how they were one year and nine months ago.

How could he tell them that just because he was happy and at peace with everything that happened that didn't mean he wanted to get back with Hanbin. 

As far as he was concerned things were over and there was no going back. 

 

***

 

A year and nine months ago had been an awful time for everyone but for Bobby it had been nothing short of devastating. It began with a scandal, culminated in a decision he didn’t agree with, and ended with a breakup and heartbreak – each stage involving Hanbin the guy who he’d always believed up until that moment to be his soul mate, the love of his life.

After he’d broken up with Hanbin he’d stayed at his parent’s place for several weeks unable to endure his confused state of mind without their support. His mood had swung hourly from depressed and yearning to angry and resentful. He didn't shower for the first five days. His dad cooked him his favourite meals and his mum held him tight every time he spontaneously broke down into angry, disappointed, frustrated tears. His brother came around to distract him and they gamed together until his eyes hurt, his limbs cramped up and the dark thoughts finally stopped marching through his head like angry soldiers. Once he’d gotten control over the crying spells his brother and Dad began to drag him outside at least once a day to play basketball. But nothing they did seemed to cure him of the terrible, gnawing ache that seemed to weigh down every atom of his being. 

He’d wondered, at times despairingly, if he’d ever fall out of love with Hanbin. It felt so impossible, so incredibly unlikely that the crushing emptiness he felt inside would dissipate. It had been so frustrating that even though he was so furious and disappointed in Hanbin he still, _still_ seemed to love him regardless. He started going to church regularly with his Mum, specifically to have angry mental discourses with God, asking him to kindly hurry the fuck up and stop him feeling stupid things for Hanbin. He just wanted to be free. He was sick of caring. 

Two slow, bitter months passed without hearing from Hanbin despite the other five boys scrambling, desperate attempts to get them talking again. Bobby knew deep down he was being unreasonable considering he was the one that initiated the breakup, but with every day he didn’t hear from Hanbin with an apology, or a “I need to see you” or a “let’s talk,” the angrier he became. Another major reason the breakup had sucked so much was because the whole time he was in constant fear of reprimand from above. Breaking up as members of the tight knit YG family was never going to be easy and they had been naïve to believe it would never happen. He knew that his distance from Hanbin had not gone unnoticed and that it was only a matter of time before YG got involved. He’d guessed right and finally YG arranged the dreaded one on one meeting.

"There's no shame in loving someone, baby. Remember that and hold your head high," his mother had told him before letting him set off to the YG building. 

It had been surreal and lonely entering YG’s office knowing that ikon was on hiatus. For the first time since debut he was there as an individual with an uncertain future. He took the seat YG gestured to him feeling empty.

“Bobby, how are you?” YG asked calmly. Bobby hesitated, he had endless ways he wanted to respond to YG’s question but he wasn’t sure how much honesty he could get away with. He and YG had never had as warm a relationship as Hanbin and YG. Bobby knew YG believed he had a lot of talent but he couldn’t help imagining Hanbin as the responsible, conscientious eldest son who took on the family business, whereas he was more of the wild second son who was still trying to prove to his father that he was grown up and ready for more responsibility. As for YG, he was the stern father whose decisions Bobby didn’t always understand with but whom he was entirely dependent on if he wanted to stay in the family business. He chewed his bottom lip, contemplating how to answer the question.

_How have I been? well to be honest pretty shit. In fact, I’m really fucking sad and pissed off because my now ex-boyfriend has gone and thrown everything down the drain including our relationship and none of this would have happened if he'd just chilled the fuck out and waited for the storm to pass…but NO he had to go and make this stupid decision and YOU ALL let him…and now everything has changed, everything!_

He swallowed his rage and replied politely yet vaguely.

“Fine, I guess. Eager to get back into working and performing…looking forward to the future…just want things to resolve quickly...” YG nodded seriously then sighed deeply.

“You’re upset ikon is once again on hiatus and you’re angry with Hanbin and his decision.” Bobby’s stomach dropped. Wow, ok, so YG was just gonna put it all out there! Great, this was going to be one hell of an intense conversation, that was for sure. As a cascade of indistinguishable but painful emotions rose from his chest and burned in his throat he nodded, looking down at his hands in his lap which were fiddling with the beautiful, rainbow-coloured bracelets from the fans. The poor fans who were once again waiting indefinitely for ikon’s next comeback .

_Please, please wait for us…pretty please. With a cherry on top. Hell you guys deserve fudge sauce too, and sprinkles and chopped peanuts and-_

“Am I correct?” YG paused for a long time, waiting for Bobby to respond. He shrugged. 

“I’m worried the fans will lose faith. We already lost some fans last comeback who got sick of waiting, especially Korean fans. We have spent all last year winning them back and we were doing so well. I just don’t want to lose them again.” YG gave him a long hard look through narrowed eyes.

“Bobby, let’s be honest that is not the only reason why you are worried and upset right now…” Bobby quickly tried to prepare himself for another painful truth bomb, “Yes, you’re worried about the fans I understand that. But to me the real problem is this: you’re not worried about _when_ Ikon will have their next comeback, you’re worried _if_ Ikon will have their next comeback. Am I correct?”

Bobby was now feeling incredibly awkward and embarassed. At the same time he was grateful YG was going there, he was exhausted from ruminating on these worries alone without any answers.

“There are several reasons you fear that. Firstly, you are worried that Hanbin’s decision means the end of ikon. Two, you don’t know if you can work with Hanbin again even if ikon does return from hiatus. Three, I haven’t yet offered you the solo album you’ve been waiting for so you’re worried about your future if there isn’t Ikon.”

_Dang. Well they always said the truth hurts…But go on…_

“Bobby, I’ve heard from multiple sources that you and Hanbin are not on speaking terms at the moment and that you haven’t been for several months. I am not here to discuss the nature of your relationship with Hanbin - I have turned a blind eye to that for years now because you worked so well together - I am here to discuss a secure future for you that can still be full of opportunities even if ikons future is uncertain now. You are one of our greatest talents here and we will make sure you reach your full potential, no matter what it takes. So erase any worries about your future here from your mind. Understood?”

Bobby was nodding so much he felt like a bobble-head toy and he’d entered some kind of truth-bomb-induced catatonic state. Was that all he was going to say about their relationship? If so praise the lord. YG was on a roll now, talking passionately and holding up fingers as counters.

“Let me tell you what my plans are for the rest of you boys while Hanbin produces his album. Junhoe and Jinhwan are going to continue working their vocal training and I have plans for them to form a sub-unit; Donghyuk will have solo dance concerts whilst continuing his training and then I would like him to work as a dance coach with our new trainees; Yunhyeong has been eager for a chance to do some acting and modelling and I know Chanwoo would easily get into those two industries as well alongside his continued training. Then I have plans for a vocal line sub-unit. As for you…” Bobby held his breath. “You have two options for how you spend this time while ikon is on hiatus. One, you can stay in Seoul, continue your development, do some collaborations and work on Hanbin’s album with him…

“…or you have your second option. I want you to start seriously preparing for your own solo album. This is something I want for you but I don’t think your composing skills are quite ready yet, at least not ready for the challenge that is producing a whole album.” Bobby nodded trying to hide the blow that comment had delivered to his ego. He knew it was true though- Hanbin really was ready but he still had more composing experience to gain - that’s why it hurt so bad.

“And anyway it would be illogical to have you and Hanbin release an album at the same time. You two are family, not competitors, regardless of your relationship right now. So, what I want is to prepare for your solo debut by refining your sound and personal style. I want you to do some research, field research you might say.” YG gave him a strange smile and Bobby became nervous and excited at the same time. “I want you to also get some more stage experience, but of a particular kind. Your strength is your energy and presence so let’s build on that. I want you have more experiences on some smaller stages, smaller venues, ones where you really have to hold an audience in the palm of your hand like you did on SMTM.”

Bobby nodded eagerly, this was sounding awesome. There was nothing he wanted more right now than to get back on stage and let loose, to rap and dance these depressing feelings away, be with the fans whose love and loyalty would soothe away his heartbreak.

“So, I want you to spend some time in U.S. I am going to speak to some producers over there and see what I can arrange. I want you to work on a mixtape, release it and promote it over there. Consider it both as preparation for the solo album that is to come and an experiment in gauging how the American population will respond to you as a hip hop artist. I also have an idea for a tv show…” Bobby tuned out for a moment trying to compute what YG had just told him..

Firstly, he was going to _The States??_ The irony was excruciating. He’d left behind his family in the U.S. to make it in Korea and now he’d made it in Korea he had to leave his family behind there to go to U.S.! He couldn’t help it, even though going overseas would provide him with the change of scene he’d been desperately needing to move on from Hanbin he also couldn’t help feeling he was being “shipped off” because he didn’t want to work on Hanbin’s album. It felt like a banishment. 

Secondly, a _mixtape??_ Man, that hurt. He was going to make a mixtape while Hanbin made his solo album?? He almost wanted to laugh it was so frustrating. For him a solo album represented a chance to be totally musically and artistically himself. It was the chance he’d been dreaming of since he was a seventh grader in Fairfax, Virginia, performing Jay-Z covers for his Dad and brother in their lounge room, leaping about on their worn and torn sofa which he transformed into a stage. But whenever he was just a hair’s width away from finally achieving his dream it always seemed that someone changed their mind and gave him a consolation prize instead. He’d won SMTH3 and been promised a solo debut – he got MOBB. YG was finally coming through on giving him time to work on a solo album- he got a mixtape and banishment to U.S. 

Part of him was sickened by his frustration and lack of fulfillment. How could he feel that way after he’d been given so many opportunities? It was ungrateful. But another part said _“you know you can do this solo, you know you’re good enough and you’ve worked your ass off, make them give it to you!!”_

 “So, Bobby, what do you think?” Bobby refocussed on YG again, realising he wanted an answer now.

“Can you put aside your differences help Hanbin with his album and stay here in Seoul? Or would you prefer to head to the U.S. and work on your own musical development? Some time apart may be all you need anyway.”

Bobby suddenly envisioned Hanbin and himself sitting in a claustrophobic studio in cold, resentful silence, Hanbin painstakingly piecing together a track for his solo debut, as he hovered over Hanbin's shoulder waiting for him to have another inevitable freak out…

“The U.S., please Sir. Thank you for the opportunity.”

***

There was one thing that really helped Bobby get through those long, depressing months while waiting and preparing for the trip to America: his remarkably simple concept of breakups. The way Bobby saw it was that even though breakups sucked, really sucked, they always turned out to be for the best in the end. He genuinely believed that even though Hanbin had been a hugely important part of this life there was no reason why he couldn't have that again with someone new. After some intense months of angry grieving he'd finally come to a place in his mind where he knew he was ready to move on. He was just waiting for his heart to catch up and hop on the same bandwagon, that's all. And when it did everything would come clear. He didn't like complicated love narratives nor did he understand them. For him you were either in love and in a relationship, or _not_ in love and _not_ in a relationship. He liked nice, clear categories and he was just waiting as patiently as he could to get to that point where Hanbin didn't sweep into his heart as an uninvited guest anymore. And he knew to do that he needed to get away from triggers. Everything in his closest environment reminded him of Hanbin. The YG building, the practice rooms, the recording rooms, the Dorm compound, the cafes across from the dorms, the shops he'd been to with Hanbin, the restaurants where they'd eaten while secretly holding hands under the table. So during those preparation months he'd literally gritted his teeth, avoided Hanbin at all costs, banned the boys from mentioning him in his presence, and held onto his escape plan for dear life. 

As Bobby had buckled himself into his plane seat, finally ready to take off to the other side of the world, he had given himself a soothing pep talk.

_It's all ok dude, you'll be ok, just gonna get to the U.S., far far away from him, throw yourself into work and have some fun. That's all you need dude. You'll get over him soon enough and it will be like you never loved him..._

Bobby began his time in America shooting the tv show YG had come up with as a way of keeping Bobby connected with his fans while overseas. It was called “Road Trippin'.” The show began in Fairfax and showed the fans where he’d grown up and fallen in love with hip hop, featuring his parents who flew over to feature in that first episode. That had been a nice touch YG had added as a way of showing Bobby support more than anything else.

For Bobby it had been totally surreal suddenly being back in the humble lounge rooms and backyards of old church and high school friends, visiting the local mall and parks, seeing which town buildings had been replaced and which ones remained. So many years had passed and he’d become such a different person in so many ways. Yet being with his old friends brought out the “old Bobby” in him, that charming, delinquent, deeply religious, cheeky, lazy, clumsy, loyal, rascal of a young teen he’d once been. He spent almost three weeks in Fairfax doing a strange form of nostalgic sight-seeing, sometimes with his parents and sometimes with his friends who thankfully treated him just like they had back when he’d been at school with them. 

The show then followed Bobby through America as he drove a vintage mustang to the major Hip Hop cities. Each episode focused on a different location and featured Bobby interviewing different hip hop producers and artists about the history of the music in their studios, attending hip hop gigs and clubs, performing in clubs, taking part in rap battles, and of course stopping at iconic food joints along the way. From his starting point in New York the show had taken him to Chicago, Houston, Atlanta, New Orleans, Miami, Los Angeles, and finally San Francisco. The Journey took several, hectic, wild, fascinating weeks. 

In all honesty Bobby didn’t know when exactly it happened, but by the time he reached San Francisco and was driving across the golden gate bridge whilst blasting Dolla $ign’s “Brand New,” he'd realised with a joyful gasp (the camera crew thought he was expressing his appreciation of the bridge) that he’d finally, at long last, fallen out of love with Hanbin. He knew it would be simple when it happened and he'd been right! Something just clicked!

Finally, _finally_ , the longing and emptiness, the agonising yearning to hear his voice and feel his skin underneath his palms, was gone. He was free. He could think of Hanbin without anything more than tinge of irritation. More exciting yet was the fact he felt ready to see other people, to experiment, to just have some good care-free fun! It would be such a nice change after the intensity of being with Hanbin. 

Later that day he'd called Jinhwan from a hotel rooftop which looked out across the city bathed in sun set, desperate to tell him the good news.

"Hey Bobby, what's u-"

“-I’M OVER HIM JINAN! I’M OVER HIM!” Bobby cackled hysterically. 

“Oh...Good?”

“Oh man, it’s been a long fucking time coming, I swear to God. I’m so relieved now I can move on, like really do it!? You know what I mean!? I realise now looking back on our relationship that for some time being with him had been so…so… _stressful!!_  like I was always waiting for the next freak out, the next fit of anxiety and perfectionism. Like, all the best to him and his solo album but I am _sooo_ done. I feel so light and free and happy!” Jinhwan had been very quiet on the other end of the phone. If Bobby hadn’t been so ecstatic, running around that rooftop hooting loudly with relief, he would have noticed the faint sound of Jinhwan’s tears and sniffles.

“I’m glad you’re happy Jiwon, I know you were desperate for a change of scene. We really miss you.” 

“I miss you too dude, come visit me ok??”

“Sure Jiwon, I will. What are you going to do there now?”

“Well I’m gonna begin working on my mixtape this week so I guess I am just going to have to balance that out with some partying! I’m gonna really get into the music over here, work with some sick producers, meet some new people! Just fucking let loose!”

“Sounds good just don’t die or anything, not before I come visit you over there.”

He began working hard on his mixtape in L.A.. Sure it wasn’t an album and apparently his fans back in South Korea were in uproar he was releasing it in the States first and not there, but he was going to give it his all. YG was right he still had plenty to work out musically and artistically but he was more equipped than ever to take on the extra responsibility of working completely solo. The producers YG had set him up with were great and he thanked his lucky stars for being able to speak english, it meant he was able to turn his producers into good friends in a matter of days. 

Bobby had always found writing songs by sitting down at a desk with a pen and paper like Hanbin did close to impossible. He always came up with his best lyrics whilst in the middle of doing something, like eating an amazing burger, cruising in his car, taking a hot shower, buying snacks from a corner store at midnight, having sex…so when the producers offered to counter his intensifying cabin fever by taking him out at night and showing him the city he'd been extremely grateful. He found that strangely enough the harder he partied the easier he found the song writing, it kept his manic energy levels up, kept the fire going. 

After months of working hard, playing hard his mixtape was released with a music video. Its reception in The States was unsurprisingly humble but positive, and its reception in Korea and Japan was fantastic. The boys began messaging him whenever they happened to hear one of his songs playing when out and about. Regardless of its reception he had been incredibly proud of the mixtape, it was the longest songwriting process he'd embarked on his own yet and it exactly encapsulated that fiery, hectic, delinquent hip hop sound he'd always wanted produce.  

By the time Jinhwan and Donghyuk had visited him in L.A. he’d settled happily into a wild schedule of partying, performing in hip hop clubs, getting into rap battles, and hanging out with a lot of beautiful people. Now Hanbin was far from his mind he could finally notice just how _hot_ people were. 

But both the boys had been left awestruck and a little intimidated by Bobby’s new party lifestyle. Bobby always had a wild streak and they loved seeing him happy and indulging that part of himself, but at the same time seeing him drinking so heavily, dancing, flirting and grinding with such reckless abandon had been a somewhat concerning experience. Especially when they knew all to well how badly Hanbin was fairing back in Seoul...

When they’d said goodbye to him before hopping in the cab to take them to the airport Donghyuk had given Bobby a tight squeeze and become serious for a minute.

“Take care of yourself Kimbap.” Bobby had just laughed him off.

“Take care? I have no cares! I feel the freest I have for years!” And he had really meant it.

 

***

 

"Come on, enough being lazy, let's go eat." Bobby responded to Donghyuk's request by simply pulling the covers over his head. He should never have given any of them access to his apartment, that had been a serious mistake. 

When they’d all finally accepted that Ikon was well and truly on indefinite hiatus, the boys including Bobby had all been left in a strange position. For the first time since they were teens they didn’t have to live in the dorms anymore…Finally, they could go home and be with their families. Each of them had returned to their family homes for several weeks on YG’s orders to wait for the scandal pass. He didn’t want any of them harassed by the media.

Suddenly being able to see their families every day had felt like an incredible luxury for all of them…that was until they’d remembered they were young guys in their early twenties with enough money to buy themselves some independence, privacy and a good time.

Jinhwan and Junhoe were the first to move out. Jinhwan needed to return to Seoul to stay in the loop. Junhoe being the lone wolf he was had simply found being back home full time smothering after not very long at all. As soon as they were given the all clear from YG Jinhwan and Junhoe had found a very cool split-level apartment not far from the practice rooms and moved in together. It was to “save” money they argued but the rest of the boys joked they were still just dancing around the concept of what they “were.”

Yunhyeong and his sister had moved in together into an apartment near their parent’s place which suited them both very well as they were just as sociable, image-conscious and neat as each other. Chanwoo being younger and not so keen on actually having to maintain an apartment with all the cooking and cleaning had been happy to move back in with his family but more often than not ended up crashing at Jinhwan and Junhoe’s. Dong had found himself a modest hipster loft not far from Bobby’s place which was a trendy but practical apartment in a Gangnam tower and being the two who lived closest together they saw each other most often.

It hadn’t even been up for discussion that they would all have access to each other’s houses, it was assumed knowledge. Whether it was swipe card entry, passcode, or old-fashioned key, they could all get into each other’s places and they made a point of visiting each other whenever they liked. That said Yunhyeong’s sister had imposed some strict rules on what those access hours were after Chanwoo had unexpectedly run into her wrapped only in a towel on the way back from the bathroom.

The only two who didn’t have keys to each other’s properties were Hanbin and Bobby.

“That’s it. I’m changing locks. You can’t just _come in and nag me like this_ …” Bobby groaned into his pillow as Dong laughed sunnily, ruffling Bobby’s messy bed-hair. Bobby meant it though, he’d had already temporarily stripped Jinhwan of his access privileges after he’d sneaked in one too many times to borrow one of his favourite hoodies and failed to return it. One time Bobby had rocked up at Jinhwan’s place to reclaim a beloved Stussy a hoodie only to find, to his horror, Junhoe wearing it whilst eating ramen on the couch. Junhoe didn’t even realise it was his. Jinhwan was campaigning hard to regain access to his secondary streetwear wardrobe but Bobby barely listened. Anyway, Jinhwan still managed to get in with Junhoe’s access. 

“This is the first time I’ve come in uninvited!” Dong protested. “And someone had to check you hadn’t died in your sleep! Where were you last night by the way? When I called you it sounded like you were on a battlefield or something! It sounded crazy.”

“Oh man, you have no idea,” Bobby replied smiling smugly.

“Come on! We said lunch at midday! It's now 1pm!”

“Come back in an hour…or two…or three…” Bobby mumbled through a smile. He teased Dong to bits but Bobby knew Dong had really missed him while he’d been in the States. Hell, he’d missed all the boys too. It had been hard for all of them, to go from living together for so long to suddenly needing to be independent from each other and find their own way for a while.

“If you don’t get up I’m going to tip a bucket of freezing cold water over you!” Bobby snorted, as if. Dongkyuk was too nice, he’d never do it. He wouldn’t even tip a bucket of water over a cockroach.

“Ok, ok, ok…Just give me a moment….” It appeared Dong had left. Bobby let out another long yawn and slowly…started…melting….back-

“-Jiwon!” Dong threw a sneaker at him.

“OK, OK I’M GETTING UP!”

***

 

They chatted casually while waiting for the pizza to arrive. Donghyuk’s dance class which he was currently co-teaching at YG was doing well. He was impressed by the new trainees he was mentoring and had plenty of funny stories to share with Bobby that took them both back to their nostalgic trainee days.

As always when just together Bobby and Dong ate in content, enthusiastic silence. Bobby charged through his own pizza and started eyeing off Dong’s before he’d even finished. It was only when Bobby had finally finished off every slice, including Dong’s leftovers, and slumped back in his chair that Dong finally brought up what he wanted to discuss.

 “So…have you spoken to him?” Bobby gave Dongyuk a slow, blank look then rolled his eyes. He hadn’t expected them to get on his case so soon but now he thought about it he could imagine exactly how the whole plan came about. No doubt after the bbq meet up Donghyuk and Jinhwan had excitedly discussed how happy and refreshed he seemed, that he was probably ready to reconcile with hanbin, and that Dong should speak to him about it because he’d know to expect that kind of talk from Jinhwan and refuse to meet up with him. _Clever guys, real clever._

 “Jiwon?”

“I’m not gonna have this conversation. Not now.” _Not ever._

 “Just call him?” Dong suggested as if calling his ex out of the blue after over a year of silence was the most reasonable idea in the world.

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Because you’ve had your fun time partying over in the states, you’ve had plenty of time apart, now you’re back and it’s time to make up.” Bobby leaned over the table and gave Dong a long tense stare.

“You all still think we’re getting back together don’t you?” Dong kept his cool.

“No, I just think that you two need to be in each other’s lives and-“

“-Why the fuck do you all keep talking about him as if he’s still my _boyfriend_? Dong, listen, he’s not my boyfriend anymore! I moved on ages ago! Look, I don’t even have feelings for him anymore…that’s the end of the story.” Dong shook his head sadly.

“It shouldn’t be like this Jiwon...” Bobby groaned in frustration and sat up to prepare his incredibly full stomach for the trauma that was walking back to Dong's car.

“It’s in the past,  what’s done is done. It sucks it happened but it did. But people break up all the time…we had a good run and it ended. And I don’t believe in being friends with exes, I just don’t. I needed a clean break, that’s what I got, and now I need to keep looking forwards to the future. Besides I’m seeing a few people at the moment…I’ve got other things on my mind…”

“Look, he’s more handsome than ever,” Dong who hadn’t been listening was now holding his phone up to Bobby featuring a clip of Hanbin delivering a recent solo performance on Inkigayo.

Bobby gave the screen a sideways glance then looked away out the window with a grimace.

“Look!”

“No!”

“Why!?”

“BECAUSE I’M OVER THE GUY AND I HAVE MOVED ON!”

 “Ok, ok, ok. I just…as your friend, I just really…”

“What? Want us to get back together? Is that really for _our_ benefit or for _your_ benefit Dong?” Donghyuk didn’t say anything, he just stared back at Bobby sadly. Bobby felt bad, that was a mean thing to say. He reached over and gave Dong’s hands an apologetic squeeze. 

"Is it really true, Jiwon? You don't love Hanbin anymore? For real?" Donghyuk's eyes were now impossibly sad and glossy. Bobby nodded, there was no point giving them false hope. He had always been up front and matter of fact when it came to things like love. 

“Sorry Dong but it's the truth...I don't love him anymore.” There was a long sad pause. Dong seemed to be taking him seriously now, he nodded slowly and sighed. 

"Ok. I understand, sorry I harassed you."

"I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to go off at you...I know it's been hard for you and the boys..."

When Bobby broke up with Hanbin it had been an awful time for the boys. Just as it they were taking steps to smooth over the scandal Double B had broken up and suddenly the future of Ikon was in jeopardy anyway. The boys had been devastated and quite angry with both of them for a while. The anger had eventually turned to hope as the boys waited for them to reconcile as they always had in the past. But as time trickled on, Bobby decided to go to the U.S. and Hanbin refused to contact him, the boys had been forced to accept just how serious it was. The hiatus which had been forced upon them had now become absolutely necessary. There just couldn’t be Ikon if Hanbin and Bobby couldn’t work together.

“So, where can I drop you off?” Dong asked Bobby from behind the wheel. 

“YG building, please, I have a date with the man himself.”

“Oooh, what about Kimbap?”  

“Well…I have a suspicion…” Bobby smiled secretively. Dong slapped his arm excitedly.

“Shit Dude! The solo album??”

“Maybe!” Bobby replied laughing.

“Right! Because YG liked your mixtape and Hanbin’s done, so it’s your turn right??”

“Right,” Bobby replied more mutedly, not enjoying how frequently his ex had been turning up in this afternoon’s conversation. It was probably rather heartless of him but up until now he really hadn't given any thought to how Hanbin was going. He knew Hanbin's album had been a success and that he had achieved what he wanted, although he still wasn't at all convinced it had been necessary. So he knew that Hanbin was doing better than ever professionally. But now he was curious. If the boys were hoping he was wanting to get back to Hanbin and taking that seriously did that mean they also believed Hanbin would take that seriously too? Did that mean that Hanbin was open to them getting back together? Was Hanbin still in love with him? Christ, the idea was so awkward and sad! 

Now he was overcome by an impulsive curiosity. The questions were out of his mouth before he had time to remind himself why it wasn’t exactly a good thing to know the answers.

“So how is Hanbin, what’s he doing, who’s he seeing…?” he gestured loosely with his hand as if to say “etc. etc.” Dong looked more serious now, his eyes set on the road.

“He’s ok…he’s doing ok…” Why did it sound like Donghyuk was trying to convince himself of that and why hadn’t he answered his question about Hanbin dating? Bobby really didn’t care if he was dating or not but he did care that Dong felt the need to hide it from him.

“Is he seeing someone? I don’t care if he is Dong, you realise that right? To be honest I hope he’s moved on too and is happy.” Although Bobby didn’t want to become best buddies with Hanbin again anytime soon he didn't wish Hanbin any ill. To put it bluntly he was indifferent. 

“Hanbin seeing someone? No...that won't happen for a while yet,” Dong replied pensively.

“Oh yeah? Why?” Bobby asked instantly regretting it. He was uncovering information he didn’t want to be responsible for but he couldn’t seem to stop, a similar sensation to eavesdropping. They pulled up outside the YG building. Dong turned to Bobby with a grim look on his face.

“No, he’s not interested in seeing anyone Bobby. And you _know_ why.”

"....he still wants us to get back together?" Bobby asked flatly and looking weary. Dong shrugged. 

"I guess? He doesn't talk about it but we think he's still in love with you. He just never really accepted the breakup. Just threw himself into work and became sort of like a hermit...but we're looking after him as best we can. We cheer him up."

Bobby didn't feel guilty, just thinking about Hanbin and his feelings made him exhausted. He said goodbye to Dong and ruminated angrily as he walked into the YG building. It wasn't his job to make his ex happy, also he couldn't help how Hanbin felt about him! At one point he had stupidly thought he could help Hanbin control how he felt, help him fight his feelings, the demons that they were...but that turned out to be a load of shit. There was no way he was going near that guy with all his baggage again, no way. There was no way he was going to find himself _sharing_ that baggage again, not when he'd just managed to give it back. 

 

***

 "Welcome back Jiwon, did you enjoy yourself in The States?" YG asked smiling.

"Heck yes! Whoops - sorry!- I mean yes, it was amazing...had the time of my life. I feel super inspired, I have all these ideas about where I wanna go with my music, who I want to work with...I just can't wait to get started." Bobby was sitting back happily in his seat, waiting for everything to unfold as he knew it would. There was nothing left to do now other than give him the solo album. It would happen, it was finally happening right now.

"Well I am glad to hear that because I have plans to get you started working on your solo album." YG announced. Bobby immediately bowed and offered his thanks, grinning wildly. He wanted to get onto his seat and fucking dance for joy. Everything had turned out ok. It was all getting there. He knew all along he just had to have faith that things would work out - and they were!

"So, to do this I would like to get you back into the public consciousness, as you have been away a while. It's time to reconnect you with your broader Korean audience. So how do you feel about a small survival show gig? You can start working on the album straight after."

Bobby was a bit taken aback, he wasn't sure he really wanted a small survival show gig to come between him and his album...but sure, YG was pretty strong-minded when it came to things like how to promote and garner public interest. _But who really cares! You're still getting solo album!!_

"Yeah! Sure absolutely, if you think that is best. When is the show and what will I be doing?"

"I will explain the show to you in more depth soon, but basically we have more talented young people than ever wanting to join YG as trainees and this time round I want to get some of our best artists joining me and others to judge a survival program that will fast track the successful trainees through the recruitment process. You will be acting as a judge and mentor for three episodes. And then as soon as that wraps up we can start working on your album. How does that sound?"

It did sound good actually, Bobby was excited. There was something moving about getting the chance to now support other kids going through the hell of following their dreams as he had. Sort of like paying it forward. 

"Yeah, totally, sign me up!"

"Great, you are perfect for the role also," YG paused as he scooped up some papers in front of him and shuffled them into order, "it will be a good chance for you to reconnect with Hanbin. He will be judging and mentoring on the same episodes as you." YG gave him an innocent smile. Bobby froze and one single word came to mind.  

_........Fuck._


	3. Seeing You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atelophobia 
> 
> (n.) The fear of imperfection. The fear of never being good enough.
> 
>    
> Temerate
> 
> (v.) To break a bond or binding promise.

 

The large conference room was still in darkness. The seats and desks for the media sat there deserted as if waiting for ghosts to use them. The stage was being tested for lighting and the technicians were calling out to each other every now and again. For Hanbin who was peering around from backstage, the whole scene brought back vivid memories of Mix and Match. It felt like it had either happened yesterday or decades ago, he couldn’t decide. He was only twenty-two but sometimes he felt like he’d lived many lives, each one an epoch marked by a survival show.

His heart was already going out to the new contestants. He'd only glimpsed head shots of their faces at a meeting with YG last week but they all seemed so young and hopeful.  He felt sorry for them, no doubt they had thought that like every other new YG trainee cohort they would be given several years until they either debuted or packed up and went home. But this time it was different. YG was turning the auditioning process into a far more public spectacle, and as a way to quickly debut YG's first mixed gender hip hop group. 

There would be three stages for the 30 potential trainees, fifteen girls and fifteen boys. The first round involved outright elimination, half of them would go home. That was the round Bobby and Hanbin would be coaching them through and preparing them for. Who knew survival better than them? The next round was probation, another 5 kids would be dropped, and the remaining ten would continue on to the next round. This was the stage that CL and Sandara would be coaching, focussing on polishing their skills. The final stage was the real prize: guaranteed debut at YG, a first in YG history. The final ten would continue on to compete for 5 spots in the guaranteed debut group, regardless of gender. The other five who didn't make it would have a probation year at YG to reach developmental goals. If those goals were not met within a year they were sent home. G-Dragon and Taeyang were coaching the final stage, the super stars who would bring it all together. 

Hanbin's phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out to find a message from Jinhwan.

<<Good luck, breathe, keep it together. Just stay cool!!>>

Hanbin's stomach was a mess of butterflies and he was in a cold, clammy sweat. Stay cool? No need to, he was frozen with fear. In just over forty minutes the Press conference would begin for the show but he hadn't even had a moment to be nervous about that because in just under ten minutes he would be face to face again with Jiwon.

Hanbin could have been happily relaxing in the waiting room on a luxurious couch behind the scenes with GD, Taeyang, Dara and CL, the other participants of the show  but instead he had excused himself to go the bathroom and ended up pacing around backstage as if trying to find an escape route. There was a huge tightly wound coil in his stomach ready to spring open any second and release all the emotions he’d been repressing since he woke up. His mind was racing with catastrophic thoughts featuring Jiwon. The anticipation was killing him.

_…What will he say? What will he do? Will he pretend everything is fine, that nothing ever happened? Or will he be cold and distant? Will he be resentful and say something confrontational? Will he just ignore me? And what the actual fuck do I say to him…??_

The makeup artist had had a tough job getting him ready for the press conference when he'd first arrived. He hadn’t sleep properly the last two nights and it really showed. The shadows under his eyes were substantial and there was a tight, pallid look about his face. Concealer solved all problems however and apparently now he looked “fresh as a daisy.”

“Yeah, all ready to have my petals plucked off,” he had joked a little too seriously. The makeup artist gave him a confused look.

“You nervous about the press conference or something?”

“Yeah…yeah, just a bit…” He replied trying to laugh it off.

_Get your shit together Hanbin…!_

 

***

 

For Hanbin the weeks leading up to the press conference had passed calmly and uneventfully, much to the suspicious confusion of his manager and the boys. Donghyuk, Yunhyeong and Jinhwan had been calling him regularly as if they were on a roster, asking him how he was doing, what he was feeling, and if he’d given any thought to the task he was about to embark upon. But Hanbin gave them nothing, he seemed to be in a strange dream land. All he wanted to do was talk about the music he was working on for them as a vocal-line sub-unit. He brushed off their concerns because honestly, he had accepted the offer on a whim and hadn’t given any thought to it. But then two days before the press conference he’d finally had a breakdown.

For a while now Hanbin had been measuring the passing of time through the completion of songs as opposed to the more traditional units of time, such as hours and minutes. While it kept him productive it certainly made it easy to lose track. He had been in his studio, trying out some chords on the keyboard when he’d suddenly realised he had no idea when the press conference was actually being held. He had checked the schedule his manager prepared on his phone and almost passed out. It was two days away. In two days he would be seeing Jiwon for the first time since the breakup.

But the truly horrifying thing was that it wasn’t just seeing Jiwon either, he was going to be working with him again. That meant talking to him, sitting near him, looking at him, addressing him, dancing with him, collaborating with him, maybe even touching him. It was no longer an idea, a theory, something he could compartmentalise as being far off in the “distant future.” It was going to be a reality and it was going to be soon.  Hanbin was filled with an overwhelming combination of excitement and dread. Mostly dread. His hands dropped onto the keyboard in horror, banging out several long, jarring notes.

“Nam!” Hanbin had squeaked feeling a panic coming on. Without looking up or missing a beat his manager cut him off curtly. He knew exactly what Hanbin was about to say, he'd been waiting for Hanbin's anxiety to finish brewing. 

“Nope, you’re not getting out of it Hanbin. We sent the press releases off ages ago to the media outlets and they'veall  got you down you as a key player. You’re doing it.” 

“But Nam!”

“You’re doing it. You'll be fine.”   

Unable to get Namkyu to budge on his tough love policy Hanbin had then raced out onto the balcony of the studio and called up Jinhwan, his heart lurching in his chest, his hands clutching the cold balcony railing.

“What have I done Jinan??” He wailed into the phone as a patient yet unimpressed Jinhwan sat on the other end of the line. Jinhwan had been waiting nervously for the breakdown from the moment he’d heard about the show. Since the breakup he’d really had to step up into the role as Hanbin’s main confidant, in the same way Dong had done for Bobby. He didn’t mind it, being emotionally inclined and intense himself, but he found Hanbin’s unpredictability and abrupt mood changes hard to adapt to. Looking after Hanbin was like trying to fly a beautiful but fragile kite on an incredibly windy day. When it soared it was inspiring, but there were other times when it was either a tangled heap on the ground or had torn away from its string and was disappearing higher and higher into the sky...

“I don’t know Bin…I thought you knew what you were doing?”

“No! I don’t! I don’t know what I’m doing! Why didn’t someone stop me from signing up for this madness?” Hanbin urgently looked out across the skyline of the city searching for a stray helicopter he could grab onto that would take him far away.

“Yeah when you told me you were going to do the show with Jiwon I was wondering how that was going to work…” Jinhwan chuckled.

“I don’t know if it _is_ going to work, I don’t know why I did this…what if he hates me still Jinan?”

“Hanbin…” Jinhwan paused as he tried find the right words. Donghyuk had filled him in on the whole sorry conversation he'd had with Jiwon over lunch the same day it had happened. Now he didn't know what would hurt less - telling Hanbin a lie that Jiwon did hate him, or the truth that Jiwon was actually totally indifferent towards him? “…I think it’s too late now Bin, you’re just going to have to do it.”

Jinhwan held back a sigh as Hanbin released a noise that sounded like a dying cat. He didn’t understand Hanbin sometimes, the way he impulsively signed up for things as if living on the edge was what he was born to do, then the next minute he was curled up in foetal position on his balcony, calling people in a panic and trying to whine his way out of nerve-wracking situations.

“You’ll be fine Bin, just…keep it together ok? At least try? Hanbin? Are you crying? Oh Jesus...I’ll be there in twenty.”

“No I'm not...but still, come over,” came Hanbin’s faint mumble.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll have to bring June though, he gets lonely when I’m out and I can’t find a babysitter at this short notice.” Hanbin managed a weak chuckle.

“I love you Jinan.”

“Love you too, you idiot.”

***

 

“B.I.?” an assistant appeared behind him. He jumped. He'd been watching the press arrive and take their seats. “Bobby has just arrived and is making his way to join you all. We need you to return to the waiting room.”

Hanbin nodded as his stomach churned violently. This was it, it was happening. But Bobby was early, how odd. Even though Bobby was an early riser he wasn’t exactly known for being on time. Hanbin had been the obsessively punctual one of the two of them.

_Has he become more punctual then? Why? Why wasn’t he punctual when he was with me? I wonder what else has changed about him…what will he be wearing, what does he look like nowadays? – AH STOP ALREADY BRAIN!_

As he walked back to the meeting room with legs that had turned to jelly he decided it was now or never. He had to pull himself together. But how to do that? He chatted politely but distractedly with GD and Taeyang, weighing up different approaches.

Should he go for the casual “oh hey, who you? I have definitely moved on now, thank you very much” ? No, that was too much. He didn’t have the confidence right now to pull that off. What about the “hey, how’re you going, I know we had some beef but it’s in the past and we’ll never be buddies again but I wish you well”? No…once again he needed confidence to pull that off and there was a shortage of that at the moment, his hands were literally shaking in his pockets. Maybe he should just be real about it rather than try and deny it, go for the “hey, so I haven’t forgiven you and won’t be taking any shit from you whatsoever.” He almost laughed, who was he kidding? If he wanted to really be “real” about it he would have to go for the rather pitiful “hey, so I heard you’re dating people now but I still think about you all the fucking time and I really need to know if it’s the same for you…?”

Before he could make up his mind which approach was best, the door opened and suddenly there was Jiwon. Hanbin’s stomach dropped as he noticed straight away how unexpectedly fresh and calm he looked. He’d developed a golden tan no doubt from the beaches of L.A. that made his bunny teeth even whiter, his hair was blonde, deliciously scruffy and long again the way Hanbin had always loved it, his arms had more definition than ever and were still stacked with bracelets from fans, and the outline of his muscular physique was evident even underneath his oversized white t-shirt. He was wearing expensive looking jeans and sneakers, some golden bling hung around his neck. He was beautiful. Butterflies burst into joyful flight in Hanbin's stomach and chest. 

Hanbin finally remembered how to breathe as Bobby began responding to the welcomes from the other artists and YG with polite bows. But he forgot how again a moment later when he and Jiwon made eye contact for the first time in a year and ten months. It was the fastest glance, a whisper of a glance but it was totally unnerving and ineffably sad to look into the eyes of someone he’d once known so intimately and no longer be able to trust he could read the emotions and thoughts that lay behind them.

Bobby was now talking to the 2NE1 members, laughing and smiling with his eyes whilst still maintaining the polite shyness he always had around his superiors. Hanbin was still trying to accept they were in the same room together, it was a dream surely. He felt stuck to the spot, unsure how to be normal around someone who’s opinion of him still concerned him so much. He didn't know what to do, go up to him, wait for Jiwon to come to him? 

Bobby looked over at him whilst answering a question Taeyang was now asking him about his time in L.A. Seeing he’d got Hanbin’s attention, and without breaking his conversation, he raised his eyebrows at him and shot him a strange, facetious smile that seemed to say “hey, this is awkward huh?” Before anything else could happen they were asked to proceed to the stage, the press conference was about to begin.

As they filed out of the meeting room, down the corridor and onto the wings of the stage, Jiwon somewhere ahead of him, Hanbin tried to understand what had just happened. Jiwon hadn’t been hateful towards him or ignored him. He’d even smiled at him and acknowledged the weird situation they were in. It definitely hadn’t been the worst-case scenario he’d been imagining and dreading.

But then why did he feel so utterly empty and miserable?

As Hanbin took his seat at the panel set up on the stage, the conference began and the cameras leapt into action with their blinding flashes, he realised he was feeling the uncomfortable, awful dullness of an anticlimax. Jiwon was sitting right next to him, YG was now outlining the premise of the show, and the reporters were hungrily taking notes. He had entered “B.I. mode” and was doing his best to seem in control. It was all very real and happening yet he felt he was a thousand miles away, floating on a stormy rain cloud.

He wondered if it was all going to begin with an anticlimax did that mean things were going to work backwards? What if this whole thing was going to start off easy but get worse as it went along?

Then again maybe an anti-climax was perfectly fitting considering they had gone out with such a bang. Maybe they really just had nothing left to give?

 

***

 

The Scandal had come out of the blue as randomly and mercilessly as it had the first time. All seven of them had been in the studio when Hanbin got the call.

The comeback and tours of 2017 had been a success but they were already gearing up for another comeback, determined it would be even bigger and better. Hanbin had once again thrown himself into song-writing as the boys, and Bobby in particular, watched for signs of burnout. Only a few nights previously Bobby had supervised grimly as Hanbin frowned at his computer screen and paced around the recording room restlessly. He had been trying to get the bridge right in his new song for days now and was reaching a point of complete frustration. Bobby walked up to him and hugged him gently from behind.

“Let’s go to bed. You’ve done enough, its 2am.” Hanbin shrugged him off.

“Go to bed Jiwon if you’re tired.” Hanbin snapped but then he turned around suddenly very soft and sorry, and took Bobby’s hands. He gave each set of knuckles a kiss. “Seriously, I will be fine. I need to finish this. I won’t sleep anyway if I don’t.”

“Yeah…that’s not a good thing…” Bobby reminded him bleakly. Hanbin let go of his hands and sat back down at his desk, gripping the computer mouse like a surgeon gripping a scalpel. “Hanbin…” Bobby warned.

“Just go Jiwon. Please, you’re distracting me now.” It had been like this for weeks now and Bobby could feel them slipping into their old pattern of him trying to remind Hanbin to take care of himself while Hanbin treated him like an annoying nag. He hated it and it did nothing for their sex life…speaking of which, it was currently non-existent. As with everything in his life which was defined by extremes Hanbin didn’t do intimacy halfheartedly. He either wanted Bobby every night for a week, which was awesome but exhausting, or seemed to forget sex was even a thing for a whole month at a time. 

“I wish you’d listen to me. I love you remember? Maybe I nag you for a reason??” Bobby complained as Hanbin unknotted some headphones, ready to put them over his ears the moment Bobby stopped talking. However, Bobby was tired and he really did want to go to bed. He just wasn’t in the mood for a fight and he could tell from the way Hanbin was all tensed up over this bridge that a fight was the only way this conversation could end. Bobby gave the top of Hanbin’s head a kiss, which he didn’t seem to notice, and headed back to the dorms alone in the cold.

But the night of the call Hanbin had been in one of his elated, infectiously happy moods because he’d managed to solve the bridge problem. When in one of his good moods Hanbin had the superhuman ability to bouy everyone around him with his energy, wit and excitement. He could make the boys feel like they'd all topped the charts before they'd even released a new song. He had played them the guide track, explaining it eagerly as he went along, smiling at them all and pointing at them when their parts arrived, singing along badly and dancing like a total dork.  As usual Bobby watched smiling from the sidelines, brimming with pride and loving Hanbin’s silly mood. It was a much needed respite from the slow, bleak last few weeks. 

“How good is it?” Hanbin asked the boys without waiting for or really needing an answer. He knew the song was awesome and it showed in the his satisfied smile. The boys were already imagining what the accompanying choreo would look like and Junhoe was belting out the chorus at the top of his lungs. Then Hanbin’s phone started ringing. It was their manager and he answered eagerly, keen to share with him the good news – they had a new hit ready in the making.

“Heyyyy!!! We’re listening to the new track! Come over and hear it!” His manager was silent for a moment. Then he started speaking in low serious tones and Hanbin knew something was wrong.

“Hanbin, something has happened. A car is five minutes away to come pick you up to take you to the YG building for an emergency meeting.” Hanbin blocked his other ear and moved to the quieter side of the room away from the hyperactive boys. Yunheyong was now being a total goof and trying to do the splits as the boys cheered him on, laughing at the top of their voices.

“What? What’s going on?” Hanbin asked trying to stay calm.

“Hanbin I'm really sorry but It’s your father again. New documents have been somehow been uncovered and released. The fraud case has been reopened and people are again calling for you to stand down.”

With that Hanbin entered a dream-like state in which he was both extremely calm and extremely anxious. It was like the two emotions reached a deadly equilibrium, battling for balance to stop him from exploding. He hung up and Bobby who had been watching him curiously came over to him. He lay a hand on Hanbin's arm questioningly.  

“What’s up?” He asked concernedly. Hanbin's bubbly cockiness had disappeared, he was looked at him as if he was in a trance.

“I’ve got to go, something has happened.”

“What?” Bobby urged in a low voice.

“it’s Dad, the case has been reopened, something about new documents being released. People want me to stand down again.” Bobby’s face fell but he quickly recovered. 

“It’ll be ok, babe. They won’t make you stand down.” Hanbin nodded weakly.

“I-I better go” He turned stiffly and began racing down the stairs. He was near the bottom when he heard Jiwon’s urgent voice.

“Bin!” Jiwon ran down the stairs to meet him at the bottom. He took Hanbin’s chilled face in his hands. “Stay calm, ok?? Don’t let them talk you into anything you’re not comfortable with. Not until you’ve talked it over with us too ok?? Just don’t make any impulsive decisions!”

Bobby wanted to kiss him to calm him down but he could tell from the miles-away look in Hanbin’s eyes that he would only be doing so to indulge himself and this moment was about Hanbin not him. He watched Hanbin get into the car and wondering with his teeth chattering from the cold and nervousness if there had ever a moment he had felt more powerless.

 

***

 

“So Hanbin, this is a very difficult situation time." The Board director heading the meeting looked at Hanbin grimly as if he were the accused in a courtroom. "We truly never expected this case to reopen, yet it has.” 

Hanbin had never expected the scandal to resurface either and there was no doubt that he still hadn’t fully recovered from how it all went down the first time. It had been one of the darkest, most emotionally distressing times of his life. He was in the middle of Mix and Match, writing song after song, learning choreo after choreo, whilst also in the middle of the fury that was SMTH3, when the charges against his father had been made.

He didn’t remember much from that time other than soul-crushing pressure from every angle possible and the painful period of barred contact from his father and even mentioning him. All the anxiety, pain and worry of that time had gelled together into one horrendous nightmare that he avoided revisiting as much as possible. Sometimes he had literal nightmares though, still till this day, in which someone would accuse him or his mother or father or sister of something shameful or absurd and he would wake up shaken and distressed. He didn’t tell anyone about them though, only Bobby knew he had nightmares because a few times he had woken up in the morning to find Hanbin wrapped around him in his bed.

One thing Hanbin did remember from that time was this exact same conference room he was in right now. It was the same room in which they had discussed the scandal the first time around. He had been younger then so they had talked at him more but now he was seated near the head of the large conference table next to Yang Hyunsuk.  Around the rest of the table sat other board members, investor representatives, and the public relations department. They all regarded him grimly.

Worry wasn’t enough to describe how he was feeling, he had left mere worry behind at the studios. Now sitting here waiting to hear what was going to happen to his future he had toppled over into disaster mode, he was sitting on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the breakdown of his career, more pain and shame for his family, and another round of brutal public shaming. Industry controversies ran through his mind. Idols had been kicked out of their groups for far less serious controversies than this.

_Jessica and SNSD…Jay Park and 2PM…Lee Hwayoung and BOYS24…Kim Hanbin and ikon??_

“Hanbin we won’t keep you waiting any longer about your future with Ikon.” The director continued solemnly. Hanbin held his breath. “The board has discussed the issue at length and we have decided not to remove you from ikon.” Hanbin’s eyes slid out of focus for a second and every cell in his body collapsed from an unbearable tension released. From his peripheral vision he could see YG nodding next to him and he suddenly felt hopeful. He nearly began to cry but managed to control himself. He expressed his gratitude effusively. The Director of the meeting continued.

“The main reason we won’t be standing you down from ikon is to maintain the image of ethical consistency this company prides itself on. When your father’s business activities and reputation were first called into question in 2014, we supported you. In doing this we sent a clear message to the public that we did not believe your father was a criminal and therefore there was no need to punish you by association. However, if we remove you now it will send the message to the public that we _do_ believe your father is a criminal and because of that you _are_ deserving of punishment by association. This would have severe implications for our company. The public will wonder why we didn’t remove you immediately when this first surfaced years ago and begin to question YG's ethical legitimacy. Our investors have strongly advised us against this.” The director gestured politely to several men in suits who nodded enthusiastically. 

Hanbin felt chilled all over. So they weren’t saving his ass because they wanted to save his career...but because they didn’t want to lose face with their shareholders…

“Therefore, we believe that we can successfully counteract the renewal of this scandal with the same tactics we used last time: offering a short apology that will shut down rumours and then use all means possible to counteract the medias demonization of you by promoting you as a talented, young artist and a respectable, law-abiding citizen. At the same time, we will have to impose another period of absolutely no mention of your father. Then, we will simply have to wait for this to "blow over."

However, as to how to help this all “blow over,” that is more complicated simply because this is not the first time the scandal has risen its head. This is the second time your family’s reputation as been called into question, and by extension your own reputation. This means we have had to look at more radical options. Our public relations specialists and marketing team have already come up with some different options on how to deal with this scandal this second time round.” The Director gestured to the head of PR and she addressed Hanbin directly as his face burned from embarrassment. 

“There are two options we recommend for how to proceed with rescuing Kim Hanbin’s reputation. Both have pros and cons. The first option is passive, similar to the route taken last time. This would involve you continuing activities with Ikon as normal including performing, attending fan meetings, appearing on variety shows and commercials, continuing to write music and attend dance classes. The benefits of this option include showing the public the YG label is not shaken by the issues surround your family and that we have absolute confidence in you.

However, there are two main cons. Firstly there is possible risk to the other member of ikon, and of course all other YG artists. If the public decides they cannot excuse this scandal a second-time round we cannot have this tarnishing other YG artists reputations through their continued association with you . Secondly, the success of this route will depend very much on your own personal ability Hanbin to continue your activities with a delicate balance of humility and convincing confidence. Any sign that you are ashamed, belive that the rumours are true, or lacking in confidence will be seized upon by the public as admission of guilt and could lead to excessive bullying. We all know how unforgiving the public can be and after all they struggled to forgive you the first time.

“The second option is a more radical. It will involve active confrontation, as in we will still release an apology but then launch a project that will aim to salvage your reputation as an artist. As Yang Hyunsuk has explained to us he always intended for you to pursue a solo album to showcase your musicianship. This may strangely enough be the right time for you to embark on such a task. Having you work on a solo project will also signify to the public our utmost confidence in you and furthermore will give you a chance to win back the confidence of the public by demonstrating your abilities. Through careful promotions and marketing we can strive to counteract these negative rumours about you.”

“W-what are people saying exactly?” Hanbin asked in a thin, croaky voice. Yang Hyunsuk looked down at his pen and page sadly and Hanbin felt sick. The PR specialist looked at the Director for permission to continue, he nodded.

“There are a few main lines the “netizens” and "witch hunts" are putting forward. I will read out these examples that have appeared overnight on social media platforms:

 

_“Well we all know that Kim Hanbin’s dad bribed YG to sign him up...this isn’t a surprise”_

_“He’s just a criminal like his father, they’re just gangsters.”_

_“Just another undeserving idol whose had everything handed to him on a silver platter”_

_“This is corruption. Plain and simple.”_

_“B.I. needs to step down, what a disgrace.”_

_“These spoilt, criminal, punks who think they can get away with anything! Get rid of him!”_

_“Is there such thing as genuine, uncorrupted talent these days?!”_

 

Hanbin couldn't help it, he was mortified and shocked. The first time the scandal had broken Hanbin had literally been banned from viewing anything online regarding the issue. The directors hadn’t wanted him to have any contact with the “witch hunts.” But this time they weren’t going to protect him from the merciless cruelty of the general public.

It was unbelievable. How could he, Kim Hanbin, invoke such rage and disgust in people when 70% of his time was spent not doing anything except sitting in a studio, hidden away from the world, trying to write hip hop songs, not sleeping enough and worrying about the next comeback?  Those harsh, angry, disgusted words, the way he and his father were described, it all felt so bizarre. The fact Yang Hyunsuk wouldn’t look at him was devastating. It was like he too couldn’t bear to hear Hanbin spoken of that way.

“So, as you can see the public are really fixating on this idea that because of your father’s current fraud charges this means that your talent or career is somehow illegitimate. That is why a solo album, in which you could truly demonstrate your abilities, may endear yourself to the public once again, and re-legitimise your talent. On a more sentimental level maybe if your music is successful the general public can forgive you because your music and talent touches them deeply. However, of course this option of confrontation involves a huge degree of risk. The simple fact is we cannot guarantee how the public will respond to either option."

"Thank you," The Director spoke again. “Before we conclude this very grave meeting let us go over the course of action for the following days while this scandal reaches its peak.” Hanbin’s stomach flipped. The scandal hadn’t even reached its peak yet...

“Firstly, Kim Hanbin we are sorry but we will need to impose another temporary period of no contact whatsoever between your father and yourself. This is not a punishment, rather it is so that if and or when you are asked by the media what you know about his current situation, when you say you know nothing this will be the truth. You may contact your mother however only with permission from your managers who will be monitoring this for the time being. We understand this is going to be difficult as you of course want to support your family through this difficult time. However, we also need you to understand we are working very hard to save your career.

Secondly, we need you to seriously contemplate how you will work with us to maintain this image of immutable confidence. We have already reiterated that confidence and consistency is how we overcame this last time and it worked. What we need you to consider is how you wish to go about maintaining this confidence. Will you be able to hold your head high and continue your work with Ikon, or is working on a solo album in which you can re-legitimise your hard-won place at YG going to be a better option? You will need to think about this, discuss it with Yang Hyunsuk and give us an answer at the 8am meeting tomorrow morning. Acting fast, is key.”

Hanbin nodded his head. He already knew his answer, he wanted to tell them straight away but they were now standing up, pushing in chairs and leaving whilst talking in muted tones. Then suddenly he was in the silent meeting room with just Yang Hyunsuk who was now walking over to him. YG gave his shoulder a squeeze and finally Hanbin broke down. That small gesture of concern and affection from someone who had been his most avid supporter all these years, as well as his toughest critic, reduced Hanbin to a guilty, mortified mess. Hanbin kneeled before YG and apologised again and again through a steady downpour of tears.

“I am so sorry for my father, please forgive him.” It amused and awed YG that in Hanbin’s fervent apology he had just revealed he obviously didn’t believe he was responsible for what happened. However, it wasn’t an arrogance that enabled him to distance himself from his father’s ongoing business issues, it was more a very strong sense of independence, of being his own entity, regardless of family ties. YG had noticed it in Hanbin when he had first met him as an ambitious thirteen year old rapper, it was what made him so confident that Hanbin would be able to hold his own as a young trainee at YG away from his parents. 

“Please, Hanbin, stand up,” YG’s voice was that of a sad father. Hanbin got to his feet wishing he could have stayed on the floor and melted into the ground like the puddle of muddy water he was.

“Would you like to speak to your mother before you return to the dorms? She has been desperately trying to get onto you.”

“Yes please, thank you.” Hanbin brushed his tears away and tried to collect himself. He needed to be strong for his Mum.

 

***

 

The phone rang only about three times before his mother answered. He was calling from YG’s office, as YG supervised.

“Hanbin, darling??”

“Hi Mum!” He did his best to sound upbeat and unconcerned but all that did was make his poor mother cry. It took a while before she could speak. Hanbin clenched his teeth, determined not to cry himself whilst his mother was so overwhelmed.

“Oh darling, we’re so, so sorry.”

“Mum, please, don’t be worried especially about me. Everything will be ok, I promise. We can’t talk for very long, I’m sorry but I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“What’s happening?? Are they making you leave ikon?? Leave YG??”

“No Mum, they’re not, that won’t happen. They are going to support me, we’re just...figuring out the best way to do that…please don’t cry. I wish I could hold you right now…”

“Oh, thank god,” she broke off into sobs again.  “But darling I need to tell you something. Your father told me to tell you one thing though before he was taken for questioning.”

“Mum I’m not sure you can tell me anything about Dad right now…”

“No, this is harmless! He told me to tell you to “prove them wrong, prove yourself.”  YG gestured to him that he needed to wrap up the call.

“Ok Mum…I have to go now. Tell Hanbyul I will be seeing her soon, I hope she is ok.”

“She’s fine darling. She thinks your Dad is at work. I love you.”

“I love you too Mum. Tell Dad I love him. Bye, I will see you as soon as possible.” He hung up feeling numb. YG saw him to the door where his manager was waiting to take him back to the dorms. YG put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a serious look.

“Go back to the dorms, Hanbin, think carefully about what you want to do. My advice to you is be true to yourself, go with your gut feeling. After all, as was said just now at the meeting, the most important thing is that you appear confident and calm. Just…do what B.I. would do.”

 

***

 

“So it’s choose between stick with us or go solo and clear your name?” Jinhwan asked tearfully, as usual being the first one to cry in any tense situation.

Hanbin was back in the dorms now, sitting in Bobby’s arms who was incredibly quiet but calm, steady like a rock. The boys who had been filled in on the situation by their manager had greeted Hanbin nervously at the front door and then upon seeing Hanbin flash them an apologetic and exhausted smile they had snapped and fire hundreds of questions at him. He had caught them up on the meetings proceedings and now was listening to their opinion on the situation which fortunately matched up with his own.

“Bin, we’re gonna take care of you. We’re stronger as a team than as individuals.” Yunhyeong insisted passionately. “I don’t care if we sink with you, you’re the leader, we can’t be ikon without you.”

“Yunhyeong is right. You need us to support you. We will back you up, we won’t let the netizens bring you down ok?” Jinhwan looked up at him determinedly, his hand on Hanbin’s knee. Hanbin smiled thankfully, he was trying so hard not to lose it in front of the boys.

“I-I’m so sorry…” He choked out. The boys all shouted him down earnestly, not wanting to hear their leader so consumed by guilt. “What if this affects you too? What if people start saying you are all corrupt because you’re supporting me, the guy who bought his way into YG?”

“Hanbin we love you, this isn’t your fault,” Chanwoo murmured. He was wide-eyed and shaken by the whole ordeal. It was devastating to see the person who’d always represented professionalism and strength for him wracked with guilt and shame.

“Hanbin you ARE Ikon.” What the hell are we going to do without you?” Junhoe barked, taking a slightly more aggressive line compared to Chanwoo. As was usual under pressure June had lost his cool detachment and become emotional and angry to cover up his fear.

“It’s true, Bin. We will stand by you as a team. We work best as a team. Let us help you through this, please.” Donghyuk pleaded. Hanbin smiled at him.

“I know…that’s why I am choosing this option, to push onwards, just pretend nothing has happened. It’s going to be really fucking hard – you all know me, I’m not very good at hiding my feelings – but I can’t let you guys sit around waiting for me to prove myself, that isn’t fair to you. We need to keep the moving forwards, push past this and keep the fans we have won.”

There was a small awkward silence as the boys all acknowledged that although this was about saving Hanbin's career their own careers were also at stake. They were worried about what yet another hiatus would be like for them.  If Hanbin decided to so a solo album to “Clear his name” and earn back the public's respect on one hand that would mean his own scandal would be distanced from the rest of them. On the other hand with Hanbin gone, their leader, there was no way for them to be able to continue as ikon. Unlike Hanbin and Bobby the rest of them still had to earn kudos as individual performers. Junhoe was right, Hanbin was ikon and without him they would be left hanging for however long it took Hanbin to write and tour the album to be able tour it before they could have a comeback again.

“Don’t worry Bin. We’ll stand by you, no matter what.” Bobby sounded confident but really he was also in a state of confusion. Since debut there had never been a situation where the future of their group has been so seriously at risk or where the stakes had been so high. Yet Bobby deep down believed the trouble with Hanbin’s father would pass soon, just like it had the first time…they just needed to be patient, stick together and to stay calm. He kissed Hanbin on the shoulder and felt Hanbin squeeze his hand in return. They would be ok, everything would be ok, he knew it.

 

***

 

The seven of them were seated around the meeting table. Heading it was YG, the Board Director, the Public Relations Specialist from the meeting yesterday and a secretary taking notes. The boys didn’t need to look at Hanbin they all knew his decision. It was obvious to them what the right course of action was. They were stronger together, they would support him no matter what, even if the netizens started attacking them too. Hanbin could feel their calm resolve but instead of being soothed by it he was just becoming more and more aware that something strange and completely unexpected was happening for him.

When he'd woken up in the morning he knew something had changed but he couldn't explain what it was. It was like he'd woken up a different person with a different view of the world. He had been forced to grow up even more since yesterday, painfully and mercilessly, and now there was something gnawing at him that he couldn't deny. The boys had woken early to support him, helping him out with getting ready and reassuring him. Yunhyeong had even cooked him a delicious breakfast but as he nibbled at the little bit he could manage he had a strange sensation come over him that something wasn't right, that there was something obvious he was ignoring, a bright neon sign going off in his brain that he was turning a blind eye to. On the way to the YG building Hanbin had hoped the feeling would pass but it only intensified. The boys thought he was silent because of nerves but really he was trying to work out what was going on...

“Hanbin have you made your decision?” The Director asked. 

He opened his mouth to tell them all that he wanted to continue on with ikon and hope for the best but he found himself stalling. His throat choked up and his father’s words shared with him by mother on the phone came to mind.

_Prove them wrong, prove yourself_

Then he realised...he couldn't do it and a huge, sad, shameful weight was lifted from his shoulders. He couldn’t continue on with ikon pretending that the scandal had never happened let alone twice and that he didn’t know what people were saying about him. At least not while his talent and artistic ability had been so seriously called into question. And it was a complete, utter lie that he didn’t care, that those words about him he’d heard yesterday in the meeting hadn’t hurt him to the core, hadn’t shamed him, and bitterly upset him. He just couldn’t pretend he didn’t care, not when he’d spent so many years proving himself, working so hard, sacrificing a normal balanced youth, to just try and make others happy with his music.

Something defiant and rebellious had been triggered within him and it had grown over night into a terrifying, willful force and now all he knew was that he had to take this opportunity to clear his name for good.  He needed to prove himself as his father had wanted. And he needed to be authentic as YG wanted.

 He needed to go solo and win back his reputation, settle the debate over his talent once and for all.

“I need to go solo.”

There was a devastating silence in the room. Hanbin thought maybe he had gone deaf. The boys one by one turned to look at him with startled bewildered faces. He felt Bobby’s wide eyes burning into the side of his face and he couldn’t look at him. His stomach churned with sadness, but he had to be true to himself or else how could he even keep his stage name…it would all just be a lie.

YG nodded and smiled at him and Hanbin knew that he’d made the right decision, as bitter, cruel, and regretful as it was. Now he just had to make it work and he knew he could.

 

***

 

Bobby managed to contain himself till they got back to the dorm apartment. On the trip back in the van he had turned away from all of them and stared out the window stunned. Hanbin reached for him but Bobby snatched his hand away as if he were a leper. That was when Hanbin knew that things were going to get far worse before they got better. As soon as Hanbin walked in the door Bobby whirled around and roared at him making them all flinch.

“WHAT THE FUCK HANBIN?” Bobby’s face was livid, none of them had seen him this angry. They had seem him frustrated and even seen him and Hanbin yell at each other once or twice. But this was an explosive rage they had never thought he was capable of. It was terrible seeing their laid-back, chilled out Bobby show this animalistic side. Hanbin looked at him hopelessly, apologetically.

“I can’t explain it…I just know it’s the right thing to do, it’s what I need to do…”

“What?? Put ikon on a hiatus indefinitely?? While you write a solo album to “clear your name”? Are you serious?? How is this the right thing to do?? We told you we’d get through this TOGETHER!”

The boys were frozen to the spot in shock except for Jinhwan who felt brave enough to stand between the two of them. He was desperate to deescalate the situation.

“Jiwon please, calm down! let Hanbin explain. We all know he’s not doing this to be selfish. Hanbin, please tell us what’s going on?”

Hanbin took a deep shaky breath. The truth was he wasn’t entirely sure he could adequately describe for them what he was feeling. His feelings felt bigger than he was in that present moment, too big to try to articulate.

“I’m so sorry, I just realised that…I can’t pretend this didn’t happen, those words and accusations of the public are burned into my brain. I’ve worked so hard for this…if I don’t prove them wrong once and for all by showing them what I can really do, then this is going to keep coming up. Every time we have a success it will be “nup, he couldn’t possibly do that, he bought his way into YG.” So, I’m sorry, but I need to regain the trust of the public and the fans…and the industry. And I am so sorry, but if it takes me a fucking album's worth of songs to prove that, I will do it. I’m sorry, I need to do this before I can lead you and be the confident leader you need. Please forgive me.”

Jinhwan and Chanwoo were crying now and any moment the rest of the boys would be joining them in tears too. Except for Bobby who looking out the window and shaking his head.

“Is this…really what you feel is necessary…?” Dong asked softly. His gentle tears and complete lack of anger sent pangs of sadness and guilt through Hanbin’s heart. He nodded.

“Please guys, wait for me. I need to do this. I promise this is for ikon in the long term. I need to save my reputation so I don’t continue to damage yours.”

There was a long silence as they all processed what was going to happen. They were going to go on hiatus until Hanbin had done what he felt he needed to do to salvage his reputation. Jinhwan was the first to break the silence. He was devastated but he understood, and no matter what happened he just couldn’t bear to see any one of them fighting.

“We accept it Hanbin. You’re the leader and we have trusted you and your judgement for years now. It has never been wrong. If this is what you think is best we will support you…”

“Not me!” Bobby snarled abruptly, making them all jump. He was facing the room again, rage simmering behind his eyes. Hurt and anger rose up within Hanbin. How could Jiwon not understand what he was going through right now?

“…Maybe we should leave and let you two talk…” Jinhwan murmured and the boys filed out of room, each hugging Hanbin on the way, to give the two of them some space.

For a long, tense moment they regarded each other in silence as anger and hurt radiated from their bodies and filled the room. The stubborn look on Hanbin’s face made Bobby want to smash something. He was angry, he was shocked, he was confused, but most of all he was hurt.

Never before had Hanbin made a decision that would affect all of them that he just _could not_ understand. Hanbin had made tough decisions in the past, but Bobby thought this one was borderline psychotic.

Hanbin had always been highly-strung and extremely demanding of himself, Bobby knew that. When he’d fallen in love with Hanbin he’d fallen in love with those parts of him too. He had loved those parts, they were what made Hanbin such an ambitious, talented, responsible person. However, as the years had gone by and the hard times had hit Hanbin again and again, hard and fast – losing WIN, Mix and Match, Show Me The Money, the first scandal with his Dad and the endless comeback breakdowns – Bobby had become more and more intimately acquainted with Hanbin’s insecurities, his relentless imposter syndrome, and spiralling self-doubts. He knew those insecurities more intimately than all the other boys put together, more than Hanbin’s own parents. Sometimes he believed he understood them more intimately than Hanbin.

Bobby saw Hanbin’s insecurities as a set of cruel, manipulative, lying ghosts that haunted him daily, telling him he wasn’t good enough, that he was lazy and unproductive, that he was mediocre, that he wasn’t living up to expectations, that he had fooled everyone and actually had no talent, that everything he had achieved was a fluke. And he saw himself, Jiwon, as Hanbin’s main protection against those ghosts.

Over the years how many pep talks had he given Hanbin? How many hours had he spent reassuring him after he’d blown the slightest comment made by a producer or a social media website way out of proportion? How many distressing panic attacks had he talked him through? How many times had he begged Hanbin to take care of himself and been ignored? How many days had he spent nursing Hanbin back to mental and physical health because he’d burn himself out? How many dates had Hanbin cancelled because he still wasn’t happy with the amazing song he’d written? How many times had Hanbin brushed off his advances because he was “too stressed.” How much time had he devoted to convincing Hanbin again and again and again that he was talented and capable, that he was fucking amazing?

Oh, he’d loved Hanbin through all of that, and he knew there had been incredible moments when he’d actually been able to hold off the ghosts long enough for Hanbin to see the “real Hanbin” looking back at him in the mirror. Those moments in which his words had magically reached Hanbin were like finding rare four-leaf clovers in a field of dead, down-trodden grass. They gave him hope and fulfilment, reminded him that sure, Hanbin was a complex guy but he could overcome his insecurities as long as he just loved him hard enough.

But this decision Hanbin had just made was for Jiwon a moment of disappointment and despair. For him it signified an unexpected and sudden step backwards. In that moment in which Hanbin had impulsively changed his mind, Bobby saw all that work, love, support, reassurance and shared stress he’d given Hanbin over the years thrown out the door as if it had never happened. It felt like a betrayal and it felt like everything had been a massive lie. Maybe all that love he’d given Hanbin hadn’t done anything…maybe it had been for nothing? He hadn't been able to help him after all!

The decision had instantaneously eroded the patience and tolerance Bobby had devotedly maintained over the years. Suddenly he could no longer support the weight of Hanbin’s insecurities and nor did he want to. He knew before he opened his mouth that he wanted out, he was through. He spoke to Hanbin as calmly as he could but it still came out as a growl.

“Hanbin. This scandal will pass. _It will pass like it did before_. Don’t listen to what the netizens are saying, what the haters are saying. Don’t. Listen. To. Them. Don’t give into the pressure to prove your worth! You don’t need to prove ANYTHING Hanbin. NOTHING.” Hanbin flushed with anger. Had Jiwon not just listened to a word he said??

“How can you say that Jiwon? How can I lead ikon when everyone is accusing me of buying my way into this label?!” Bobby stared at him in disbelief. This wasn’t something Bobby could let go of, not this time when it affected all of them, not just Hanbin.

“Who, Bin, who?? A thousand stupid anti-ikon netizens??”

“It’s more than that Jiwon! You know that! The whole industry knows about this by now. Listen to me!” Hanbin was yelling now too and on the verge of tears. “Why don’t you get this??” Hanbin was frustrated to the extreme. He’d never expected Jiwon to not understand something as fundamental as the importance of his own pride and reputation as an artist. Why couldn’t Jiwon see that he wasn’t doing this just to be stoic and self-martyring but because he genuinely believed he needed to do this to save his reputation and ikons at the same time?

“You’re giving the netizens too much fucking power and putting ikon on hiatus just as we started making an impact on Korea! Don’t you get how much momentum we’re going to lose with us on an indefinite hiatus?? Just to save your fucking pride?? Some groups never come back from Hiatus!!!??”

“I just TOLD YOU what they’ve been saying! They're saying my dad bought me this career, he paid my way into this company, that I am as shady as he is, that I have no talent…I can’t take it Jiwon. I’m so fucking _embarrassed!_ ”

“So you’re admitting it, it’s pride? You’re throwing away the future of our band, you're throwing away out support, our teamwork just so you can PROVE SOMETHING?? Fuck you Hanbin, this isn’t about _pride_  this is about your stupid insecurities! Your stupid worries that you’re never good enough, that you have to prove yourself, that you haven’t met expectations! That’s what’s really going on here! And I can’t stand here and let you act on those stupid delusions! I can’t! it’s selfish Hanbin! That’s what it is.”

Hanbin’s stomach dropped. Selfish? He was being selfish? The idea was beyond hurtful. He’d given up his youth, his teenage years, days of being idle and innocent to lead ikon. While the boys including Bobby had slept soundly at night he had sat wracking his brains to write new songs and come up with new concepts. But now his hard-won reputation and hard work was about to go down the drain and he wanted to save it but he was being called selfish? It was the most hurtful and unfair thing Jiwon had ever said to him. He felt his heart splinter into angry, raw pieces. 

That was when Hanbin realised they were on the brink of something terrible. They were hurtling towards a precipice but neither of them were about to give in and hit the brakes. In the past they never made it to this point. Jiwon or he had always caved and admitted the other was right. But here they were, both absolutely convinced they knew best. 

They both fell silent, hearts racing in their chests and tears pricking their eyes as they glared at each other from across the room. There was no love in the room now, it felt like there had never been love in the first place. They glared each other suspiciously, like strangers who knew each other well but only from rumours from other people. Finally, Hanbin spoke with his voice shaking.

“So you’re not going to support me on this. Is that your final decision?”

Bobby shook his head icily. He’d calmed down now and he knew what was coming next, he was ready for it. His realised while looking over at the guy he’d loved since he was seventeen that he didn’t suddenly feel that love anymore. If he could pin point the moment he’d fallen out of love with Hanbin it would have been the second he uttered his decision in the meeting. That was when he realised it was hopeless, Hanbin was a lost cause. He had tried to love away Hanbin's insecurities and teach him to share his burdens with others but he could see now it had all been for nothing. 

“…You bet I’m not. Support you in letting your stupid insecurities come before our band? Fuck no.” He insisted calmly yet stubbornly. Hanbin started crying, it was all too much.

“What does this mean?” Hanbin choked out through angry tears.

“It means we’re done Hanbin.”

“We’re done?”

“Yep, it’s over.” And with that Bobby left the room and Hanbin knew that this time there was no stopping him.

 

***

 

After the press conference Hanbin had been picked up by Namkyu who had then taken his young client to a restaurant for an early dinner. It happened to be on the top floor of a swanky hotel but Hanbin barely noticed the glamorous surroundings and now Namkyu was thinking he should've just taken him somewhere local. He had expected Hanbin to be even more shaken up after seeing Jiwon but instead he just seemed distracted and downcast.

“So, how was that?” Namkyu asked Hanbin.

 “It was ok…” Hanbin answered in between slow bites. “I wish I could go back and answer some of the questions differently though…” Namkyu smiled.

“No way, you handled it really well. YG was impressed too, I could tell. You didn’t appear nervous or awkward,” Hanbin snorted in disbelief. Namkyu continued insistently, “no, really you both handled the difficult questions very well…we all knew the press would mention the rumours eventually…”

At one point a reporter had asked Bobby how he felt about working with Hanbin considering there were strong rumours they hadn’t been on speaking terms for at least a year. Bobby had stayed calm and said something vague along the lines of it was great to be working with other YG family members and that he had great musical respect for everyone at YG. When Hanbin was asked to comment he had confirmed he felt the same. They had then exchanged another brief yet awkward smile for the press.  

It had felt empty and unnatural though and he knew Jiwon was probably still bristling at the fact they’d had to put on that little show of being friendly to get through that conference. Bobby had always resented pressure to act certain ways in public whereas Hanbin had always been far more comfortable with facades, he found them protective and comforting.

“But actually, my question was more regarding seeing Jiwon again...how was that? Did you get to talk before you went on stage?”

“Nope.”

“Was he cold and distant? Angry and belligerent? Friendly and warm?”

“Nope.” Namkyu stared at the young man sitting opposite him now absent-mindedly stirring the remaining liquid in his hotpot with a chopstick.

“None of those?”

“Yep.”

“Ok…well did you get a chance to speak after the conference?”

“Nope.” Hanbin replied dully. He was trying to deny the fact that Jiwon leaving the conference without speaking to him or saying goodbye had actually really hurt but was failing miserably. Hanbin had seen Jiwon talking to YG and then the next moment he’d turned around and he was gone. Maybe he just had to run off to something, another event? Hanbin tried not to dwell on his suspicions that Jiwon was deliberately trying to keep a distance from him, it was too painful to consider.

But overall he was just miserable that it had been such an anticlimactic reunion. He almost wished Jiwon had been rude to him, or even confronted him. At least then he’d know where they stood…but now he was more confused and unsettled than ever. It made his head spin and his heart ache with disappointment.

_Who are you kidding Hanbin, what did you expect?  A dramatic reunion scene from a Korean drama?? You let yourself blow it all out of proportion and now you feel more miserable than ever, good one…_

“Ok, let’s get you home. Take the car keys and let yourself in, I’ll settle the bill.” Namkyu tossed Hanbin the keys who caught them in one hand and made his way to the elevator that would take him back to the ground floor of the building. He stood before the elevator with his hands in his pockets, his thoughts racing to keep up with his new theories about Jiwon’s behaviour. He was trying to decode every move, every glance, every comment.

The elevator doors open and suddenly to Hanbin’s disbelief he was looking at Jang Yeongjin.

Was it an apparition? No, it wasn’t. Yeongjin’s eyes widened in surprise at seeing him too then they narrowed into unexpectedly cute crescent-moons to accommodate one of his knowing smiles. Hanbin took in Yeongjin's appearance. He was wearing a loosely fastened white hotel dressing gown and matching slippers, a pair of excessively ripped black jeans that revealed muscular thighs also riddled with tattoos, and…that was all.

“You going down too?” Yeongjin asked totally unfazed. Hanbin quickly dragged his eyes from Yeongjin’s bare, muscular, tattooed chest, nodded, and stepped into the lift completely stunned. He suddenly felt as clumsy and self-conscious around Yeongjin as he had that night a month ago at the skatepark. He tried to steady his heart beat and appear as cool and calm as Yeongjin.

“So, what floor?”

“Oh - ground floor – thanks!” Yeongjin gave the button a stab with one of his tattooed fingers then leant back against the elevator wall and smiled at him expectantly. It was terrifyingly intimate being in such a small enclosed space with this incredibly suave, half-dressed man. Hanbin felt he was slowly being suffocated by all the inappropriate scenarios bombarding his mind. An awkward silence reigned as they looked at each other until Yeongjin broke the silence.

“So uh just to let you know...” he chuckled self-deprecatingly, “I usually wear more than this when out and about.” He had obviously noticed Hanbin desperately trying not to stare at his bare chest.

“I’m doing a photoshoot on level 27, hence the homeless person jeans, no shirt and…whatever they call this…” he gestured to his hair which had been styled into a voluminous pompadour, rolling his eyes. “We just finished and now I have to head down for an interview on level 2...” Hanbin laughed nervously.

“So…how have you been?” Hanbin’s stomach churned with embarrassment. After their bizarrely intimate time together at the skatepark the guy had given him his business card, no doubt certain that he would hear from him. But he hadn’t texted or called him, he’d literally tossed the card in the bin...it was mortifying. 

_What are the fucking odds…Of all the hotels in Seoul Yeongjin just had to be doing an interview in this one…why??_

“Good…good…thanks…and you?”

“Nice,” Yeongjin ignored his question, Hanbin was noticing it was something he did often. Yeongjin continued, “but I think you must be pretty busy right? Because I didn’t hear from you...?”

Hanbin blushed furiously hardly believing that Yeongjin had the guts to call him out so blatantly. Yeongjin wasn’t the type to let anyone off the hook, Hanbin could see that now. He scrambled to think of a reply that would smooth over the awkwardness but he had lost all his charisma. Being near Yeongjin had a disarming effect on him, he made him feel almost…naked.  

What should he say? He felt that Yeongjin’s awe-inspiring confidence deserved a reply that was just as confident but the truth wasn't going to make things any less awkward, that as for sure..

_Yeah, lol, sorry about that, I actually find you mind-blowingly attractive but I decided to ghost you because I’m still in love with my ex and I’m waiting to see if I still have a chance with him…Anyway, how have you been??_

_…_ Yeah, no way. He was going to have to steal Yeongjin’s alibi.

“Yeah, exactly, really busy. I’ve just been writing a lot of music and had all these crazy deadlines, and then the show came up and I had to prepare for that and…yeah. Just really busy. All the time.” Hanbin smiled as endearingly as possible. “Sorry,” he added and cleared his throat.

Yeongjin didn’t seem offended by his weak lie however, he just raised his eyebrows and gave him an amused look, as if Hanbin had just revealed an interesting or surprisng fact about himself Yeongjin didn't already know. The lift pinged and the doors opened, they had reached level 2. Yeongjin stood on the threshold between the lift and level.

“Or maybe I didn't hear from you because you accidentally lost my business card?” Yeongjin suggested with a smirk. The lift doors were about to try and close on Yeongjin but he gave them a powerful shove and they recoiled with an alarmed beep.  He dug his hand into his deep dressing gown pocket and pulled out another one of his business card, giving it to Hanbin.

“Good thing I'm such a narcissist. It means I carry these things on me at all times, handy for occasions like this, hey?” Hanbin found Yeonjin’s willingness to poke fun at himself inexplicably attractive. He took the card as if it was made of glass. “Now keep that one safe Hanbin, I’ve almost run out...” Yeongjin's tone was playful but slightly threatening. "By the way, look out for the interview, it'll be in next months Vogue Korea."

Yeongjin gave him a wink that stopped his heart mid-beat and stepped out allowing the doors to finally close. The  lift continued to the ground floor. Hanbin stepped out of the lift shakily and walked as if in a dream to Namkyu’s car. As he waited for his manager in the front passenger seat he fiddled nervously with the grey business card that was through some strange twist of fate back in his hands. Yeongjin made him feel a certain way and he wasn't sure yet whether he liked it or not. He still couldn't believe he'd run into the guy...this is why he didn't want to date, it made one's world so small and dangerous! He sank even deeper in the car seat and sighed deeply. He knew he'd be kicking himself over the super awkward exchange that had just taken place for days. He vowed to never leave the safety of his studio again. 

 

***

 

"Ok, see you tomorrow." Namkyu pulled up outside Hanbin's townhouse and gave him a smile. "Keep your chin up, ok? You did good today, handled that conference like a pro." Hanbin who'd been lost in thought on the drive home gave his manager a long serious look. 

"Nam...when do I know to give up?" 

"Do you mean with Bobby?" Hanbin nodded, his black pupils projecting a heart-wrenching sadness. Namkyu wasn't very good at these heart-to-hearts. He was more of a direct, problem-solving guy but he knew he had to be soft around Hanbin, the younger man was impossibly tough and fragile at the same time. Why was it that the most sensitive ones were always the most rebellious?

"I think you will know when to give up, you'll feel it Hanbin...but what good is it me telling you? I've tried to get you interested in other people before, like Yeongjin for example?! What happened to him? Did you ever call him??" Hanbin shook his head innocently. "You're such a stubborn little..." Namkyu broke off with a sound of irritation and Hanbin laughed. "No but look, you're the best judge of your own heart, just trust it, it will tell you when to move on...ok, now get going before I say anything else stupid and corny." 

"No you're right Nam, I do know best, sorry I keep burdening you with my problems all the time... and thank you for dinner."

"You're not a burden Hanbin, we all care about you and believe in you..." Namkyu cringed. "Look what you made me say! Just go!"

Hanbin let himself into his house and headed upstairs for the studio. It was time to work his brain into a state of crisp, pure silence. He needed that exhaustion to be able to sleep. As he climbed the smooth wooden stairs he felt a hopefulness regenerating within him. His mood seemed to have been replenished by food and his manager's wise words. Now he was beginning to see the day that had passed from a different, less gloomy perspective. 

_Well...Jiwon didn't ignore me and he didn't want to lash out...maybe he has come to terms with the past...maybe he just wants distance because he doesn't know how I feel...who knows??_

His manager was right, only he himself would be able to tell when it was it was time to move on, and despite the anticlimax of their meeting today, he just knew that the time to give up was still not quite yet. He had just turned on the studio light when his phone buzzed. He glanced at it and saw a number he didn't recognise. He opened the message and his chest tightened in an instant.

 

<<Yo Hanbin, it's me Jiwon, I'm outside your place. Can I come in? I need to talk to you about something>>

 


	4. Enough is Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> metanoia
> 
> (n.) The journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.

A cab pulled up outside the dorm compound, a door opened and out stepped an apprehensive looking Bobby. The cab took off and for a while he leaned against the security gate he’d once climbed over one night after one too many late drinks with the boys. It felt like a long, long time ago now. He surveyed the compound with its blocks of towers through eyes half-shut against the glare of the grey sky, knowing that the moment he stepped inside a flood of memories of the years passed would come rushing at him like a tidal wave. For a long time he had avoided the dorms as they had become irrevocably associated with the breakup. But when he got back from America with his brand new healed heart he’d actually been curious to return there. He had wanted to test how it would feel being in the place of all their shared memories, where it all began and where it ended. He’d imagined that other than perhaps a sad nostalgia he wouldn’t have felt anything at all. After all, he was over Hanbin.

But now he knew he was going to be working with Hanbin again…well, that little piece of news had changed everything and returning to the dorms didn’t seem so appealing anymore….

***

The meeting with YG had totally thrown Bobby but he was having trouble admitting it. His freaking-out made him feel stupid, like he’d somehow managed to fall off the kids merry-go-round at the theme park. The meeting had only been a few days ago but his confused headspace had made those few days feel much longer. He’d been thinking about Hanbin and the breakup more than he had for months and he didn’t like it, not one bit.

In that fateful meeting when he signed up for the show, YG had looked up from shuffling his papers and noticed Bobby had entered a state of shock upon hearing he’d be working with Hanbin. He’ quickly changed the topic.

“Jiwon, I’m thinking it would be a good idea for you to go see Tablo, go talk to him about your album. I’m sure he will be excited to brainstorm with you, he is very invested in seeing you do well.” Bobby took a moment to respond. He was sitting slumped in the seat trying to bounce back from the final jolt from what had been an emotional roller coaster of a meeting. Just a few seconds ago he had been tempted to jump up onto YG’s marble table and dance like a maniac. Now he was fuming.

_So I get a solo album. Cool. But to get that I need to do this show. Ok cool. But to do the show I need to work with fucking Hanbin?! WTF!!! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO FREAKIN COMPLICATED!?!?_

“Yeah…sure, sounds good.” He’d replied, distracted by the dread dawning over him like a cold, grey winter morning, the exact type that made him want to sleep in for eternity. He’d known right then and there that he’d be needing to ask Tablo for advice about more than just the album - he was going to have to ask how to work with an _ex_. It was literally the worst situation he could imagine and here it was, right in between him and his solo album. _Nice_. _Real nice. Real cool._

For years now Tablo had been sort of like a cross between a cool older brother and a cool father to Bobby and Hanbin. Bobby had loved Tablo from the early days, when Tablo had first noticed that the talented, hyper, American trainee was struggling bitterly with homesickness. When Bobby had lived in Virginia he hadn’t felt quite American but when he’d returned to South Korea he hadn’t felt quite South Korean. Tablo understood the feeling of being alien and helped distract him from his homesickness by inviting him over and gaming with him. He’d given Bobby support during all stages of his career and proved to be full of excellent advice time after time. He’d even let him and Hanbin stay in his holiday home for a weekend of song-writing last comeback.*

When the breakup had struck Bobby hadn’t wanted to turn to anyone more than Tablo to discuss his woes, but Epik High been busy touring at the time. He had received messages and short calls from Tablo but he’d left for the states before they could speak in person.  It had then hurt Bobby a lot when he’d found out second-hand about Hanbin and Tablo’s poetry project when he was in L.A. It felt like Hanbin had got to his guardian angel first and Bobby had had to remind himself that Tablo was just one of many knots in the long, tangled string that had tied Hanbin and his life together for years now. He’d only been back in Seoul for just a week and he was running into these knots all over the place…it appeared going to America had just let them get even more tangled while he was away…

Well, he knew Tablo had his back regardless of the fact he and Hanbin were over and if anyone could give him advice about how to deal with Hanbin while working together it was him. Anyway, he knew he wouldn’t have to explain much, there was no doubt in his mind that Tablo knew all about the breakup and it felt good knowing Tablo would be the last person to judge him.

 

***

Bobby sighed, it was time to make a move. He had leant against the cold metal security gate bracing himself for long enough. The security let him in after he showed ID and he headed through the compound to see Tablo, reminding himself that he had a purpose being there and that soon he would be gone again. He was going to get hyped with Tablo about the album and ask Tablo for advice regarding working with Hanbin. Soon it all would make sense again. That was part of the Tablo charisma, he always clarified even the most confusing conundrums.

His positive self-talk however proved to be no match against his triggering surroundings. As he walked into the foyer of the dorm building and pressed the button to summon the elevator words he hadn’t thought of for months flashed through his head.

_“What does this mean?”_

_“It means we’re done Hanbin.”_

_“We’re done?”_

_“Yep, it’s over.”_

 

Their final words had been so simple he had cheated for some time after the breakup. How could years of such intense mutual love, so many shared intimate, career-changing, and soul-building experiences end in such a cold, unfeeling capitulation? For months after that exchange he’d fantasised angrily about going back in time and redoing the whole conversation, imagining what he would have said instead, what he would have added, how he would have responded.

Then as he pressed the doorbell and waited for Tablo to appear he couldn’t help remembering how taken aback Hanbin had been in that moment when he’d refused to cave in and go with his decision, the way he always had before.

_“So you’re not going to support me on this. Is that your final decision?”_

_“…You bet I’m not.”_

Hanbin’s face had been tear-stained and his eyes were full of numb surprise. Bobby remembered how at the time he’d thought with spiteful satisfaction “bet you never saw that coming!” However, now about to see Tablo who was such a diplomatic, mature and thoughtful guy he felt a bit disgusted with himself and the pleasure he had taken in Hanbin’s pain. They weren’t the kinds of thoughts he wanted to admit he had around Tablo. He shook his head to chase them away.

The door opened and there was Tablo looking hyped. Bobby’s worried melted away happily.

“YO!” Tablo greeted him with a warm hug and hand clasp. “Come in, come in,” Tablo waved him in with casual confidence.

Bobby was amazed that everything about the apartment was pretty much the same. The only thing that had changed over the years was the decrease in children’s toys and an increase in young girl’s fashion items. Haru was growing up fast and it blew his mind.

They fell into energetic conversation before they’d even sat down in Tablo’s office. They first talked about his trip to The States and the Epik High tour, swapping notes about music they were currently listening to, and ideas they had about future projects. Then they jumped straight into discussing the album and before Bobby knew it he was controlling Tablo’s computer and DJ-ing songs he’d loved listening to in the states to give him an idea of the sound he wanted the album to have. Tablo was great, he nodded along and understood him effortlessly, always able to find the exact word Bobby couldn’t find himself to describe something. An hour later they had agreed that Bobby was going to start doing some writing and meet up with Tablo again soon to go over what he’d done. Bobby had been so into the discussion of music that he had forgotten about Hanbin but when he suddenly remembered Tablo noticed the change in his energy straight away. As if reading his mind Tablo gave him a rueful smile. 

“I’m sure you’re sick of talking about it by now but how are things with Hanbin? Have you spoken to him since you got back?” Bobby scrunched up his nose and shook his head. Tablo just smiled.

“Yeah, actually that was something else I wanted to talk to you about…have you heard we’re going to be working together soon?”

“Yeah, yeah I heard that...how do you feel about it?” Bobby shrugged. He didn’t know how to explain how he felt about it without a huge embarrassing rush of emotions falling out of him.

“Um, I just don’t know how to handle it to be honest. Like, I don’t have feelings for him anymore…I guess I sort of moved on from that a while ago, and like I’m seeing people now and just having fun. But I still don’t want to work with him though, and to be honest I am more worried about him than me...from what I’ve heard from the boys it sounds like he’s not really over it all yet…” He looked at Tablo hesitantly, hoping desperately he would have some words of advice for this stupid situation.

Tablo didn’t seem to be too worried though, he looked mildly thoughtful, as if they were discussing something commonplace like where they were going to get lunch.

“I think it might help to decide what you want from working with Hanbin. Do you want to be friends?” _Friends_. Bobby felt like he was running into the inevitable here. He’d decided ages ago he didn’t want to be friends he Hanbin, _he didn’t want to be friends with exes!_

“Not really...”

“Right, because there is still resentment there,” Tablo finished his sentence as if it was obvious.

“No, that’s not…why…” Bobby protested then paused bashfully. He wasn’t quite sure what happened next but it was like Tablo’s calm, non judgmental presence was just drawing out all these feelings that had been buried deep inside him without him knowing they were even there. Maybe it was just because lying to Tablo was impossible, he couldn’t bullshit his way out of this and therefore he couldn’t bullshit to himself. He suddenly realised that despite all the effort he had invested in getting over Hanbin and convincing himself that he’d moved on…deep down, _really_ deep down, he was still angry with him. He hadn’t forgiven him, not yet.

Tablo was right, the resentment was still there and it was a shock. He felt crushed, frustrated and almost ashamed of himself.

_Why can’t I just be over this already…just get over it!!_

 “I guess yeah…there is…”

“You sound so disappointed in yourself that that’s the case.” Tablo observed. Bobby shrugged.

“Well, aren’t you supposed to get over stuff? Move on, stop being angry about what’s in the past right? I just don’t like the idea that I’m petty and hold grudges...” He scowled. Tablo nodded slowly.

“True, that is one perspective. Personally, there have been a few times when I have found being angry empowering. It’s like claiming a right because you’re giving yourself permission to feel something.”

Bobby wondered for a moment if Tablo was playing devil’s advocate. Well, it wasn’t really devil’s advocate, more angel’s advocate. His words were kind but not what he expected to hear. Everyone so far had told him that letting go of the past was the best thing to do and here Tablo was telling him it was ok to be angry. It was odd but strangely comforting.

“I…I think I know why I am still angry with him..,” Bobby revealed slowly and carefully. His thoughts were unfolding now rapidly and everything was coming painfully clear. It was hard to believe he hadn’t fully understood the core reason of his anger before. “…I still don’t think he knows _why_ I was so angry with him, like, really I don’t think he _ever_ got how his actions made me feel. And now looking back I realise it had kinda been like that for a while...he would just shut me out and totally forget that anything he went through I did too, he never understood that…he was allowed to have all these feelings but I wasn’t! He didn’t listen to how I felt…and it’s just really hard to forgive someone when they still don’t really get why or how they hurt you…when they don’t even know what to be sorry for.” Tablo made a small noise in agreement.

 “Well that makes a lot of sense to me. I guess though that still doesn’t answer your question of how you’re going to work with him despite that.” Tablo grinned, enjoying Bobby’s revelation.

“Maybe it would be easier if I could understand what he was _thinking_ …”

“Maybe it would be better to know what he was _feeling_ ,” Tablo smiled mysteriously but he didn’t elaborate and continued on, “I read about something ages ago that helped me understand others better, especially people who I felt let me down. It’s called unconditional positive regard. It’s something we can foster in ourselves when dealing with other people no matter how difficult, stubborn or rigid they may be. It’s the idea that there is always a reason for why people behave the way they do and that we don’t always have to like what they do, but we commit to the belief that they are just trying to do their “best” to get by, to cope, to survive. Sometimes their “best” seems like their “worst” to us…sometimes their “best” hurts us and pushes us away, and that’s ok, that’s life. That must be their learning experience and it is not our job to make people grow, they have to do that themselves…  

…But maybe it would help you to approach working with Hanbin from that perspective. Maybe you could just like remind yourself that whatever he did was for a reason, and he genuinely thought he was making the best decision at the time…does that make sense?”

Bobby made a long uncomfortable groaning sound and Tablo laughed hard.

“Yeah, you’re not the slightest bit convinced huh?”

“I dunno…maybe, I will think about it,” Bobby replied scratching the back of his head. That was a lot to take in and he wasn’t exactly the most philosophical guy. He honestly believed that doing one’s “best” was easy, it just wasn’t that hard. It was listening, caring for others, negotiating and supporting each other…he found it difficult to accept that the stubborn, self-conscious, anxious mess Hanbin had just been doing his “best” when he decided to go solo. But then again Tablo was the closest thing he had to a Buddha figure in his life…he’d think on it. It was time to go now and Tablo walked him to the door.

“Great to have you back in Seoul, and let me know how the writing goes.”

“Sure thing.”

“Alright see you dude,” Tablo waved his goodbye but then froze. “Oh! Wait just a sec!” He jogged off leaving Bobby waiting at the front door. When he returned and gave Bobby a small, thin black book.

“here ya go. Read that, it might give you some ideas,” Tablo winked as he closed the door.

As Bobby walked to the elevator he inspected the book and with a jolt of disappointment he realised it was Tablo and Hanbin’s poetry collection.

_Oh. Cool. Thanks, what I always wanted…not.._

It was titled _Lost Words_ in simple, modern white font on the plain black cover. It was a very minimalist looking book and it didn’t even have a blurb on the back. If he’d known that was what Tablo was giving him he probably wouldn’t have accepted it. He decided not to look through it now, his mind was spinning as it was with Tablo’s whole talk about unconditional positive stuff…whatever it was. He didn’t have the strength to start reading Hanbin’s poetry, in fact he wasn’t sure he’d ever have the energy for that...As he got into his car to head to his parents place for lunch he decided he wasn’t going to read it, he would probably leave it somewhere while out and about and just pretend he lost it.

 

***

 

“Hey Dad..?”

“Mmmmm?” Bobby’s father replied mid-bite.

“Have you ever apologised to someone for hurting you even though they haven’t apologised to you for what they did to you?” Bobby asked, trying to be casual about it.

His father chewed thoughtfully until he was ready to talk.

“Son, I’m married, that is my daily life,” he replied calmly, reaching out for another lettuce leaf to fill with meat. His mum just laughed, she loved it when his Dad teased her like that, it was their way of flirting. Normally Bobby would have smiled but he was lost in thought. His eyes darted over to the couch where he had dumped his jacket before lunch, _Lost Words_ sitting hidden inside one of its large pockets. He imagined being caught with that book on him and the idea made him want to die from embarrassment…

But as he ate with his parents and chatted he felt an inexplicable, powerful curiosity came over him. It was like the book had a delicious scent that was becoming more and more fragrant. Once lunch was finished he found himself wandering over to the couch, slipping his hand into pocket to take out the book…

“-Baby, help your father clean up!” Bobby startled at his mother’s voice. He raced to the kitchen feeling like he’d narrowly missed stumbling into a trap. He really didn’t need to read the book, he wouldn’t like it anyway and why would he want to read a book of Hanbin’s feelings? He had _lived_ with Hanbin’s feelings for years and it had been the undoing of their relationship. He wasn’t interested in Hanbin’s feelings anymore…just not interested, not even a little bit, he forcefully reminded himself.

But after he had finished washing up and his Dad had fallen asleep whilst they watched a game of basketball the curiosity resurfaced with a vengeance. Before he could stop himself he jumped up, grabbed the book and raced to the spare room he stayed in when he visited. It was the same room he had lived in during those horrible breakup months. He flumped down on bed on his stomach and flipped the book open roughly, now facing the inevitable and just wanting to get it over and done with. The first page was an introduction and he found himself reading it with a hunger that disgusted him.

 

_Introduction_

_In this book you will find “lost” words. They are “lost” because they have fallen into disuse, are now considered antiquated, or have simply been forgotten. Some words are beautiful, some are odd, and some are ugly._

_This book also contains lost moments, the times when we wanted to speak our minds, make confessions, and lay our souls bare, but for many reasons we didn’t._

_We want to show that like lost words these lost moments do not have to be lost forever. They can be reclaimed, read, and shared at any time, as beautiful, odd and ugly as they are._

_Late is better than never._

_\- Tablo & B.I._

 

Normally Bobby would have put the book down at that point. Reading had never been his passion. His mother had once literally had to hold him down on the couch next to her one afternoon to make sure he read and finished a classic American Novel for school while living in Virginia. It was something about a dude called Gatsby and he wanted this chick who was already married and people died and they talked weird and did nothing all the time and it had been so boring he’d literally cried.

He also remembered once getting scolded around the same time by an english teacher because he’d told her quite frankly his opinion on the matter: “why read stories when you can listen to them?” He hadn’t actually meant to be rude, he had just been honest. Music was his way of understanding the world, every song was a kind of story in his opinion. And that was why he’d fallen so hard for rap, the way it enabled one to tell their side of the story, to speak their mind, and talk about their experiences with such rawness. As for poetry…that had sucked most of the time too. He vaguely remembered having to study some chick, Emily Dickinson, but he’d been scolded then too for spending more time laughing at her name than actually working.

But here he was now turning the pages to the beginning of the poem collection as if on auto-pilot, both impulsively curious and full of nervous trepidation. He shifted on the bed to get more comfortable and kicked off his shoes. He couldn’t help it, he needed to know what Hanbin considered a “lost moment.”

The book was probably two hundred pages. Each page contained one poem and on its matching page was the English translation by Tablo. Randomly throughout the book were pages that contained the “lost” words and their definitions. He reluctantly conceded it was a pretty cool idea…different, unique…The first one he read was kinda pretty, real deep.

 

_Psithurism_

_(n). the sound of the wind through the trees_

 

He then reached the first poem and began reading. Straight away he approved of their short length, and their simplicity. They weren’t the longwinded, confusing, rhyming sonnets he’d hated in high school. Rather they were read like thoughts, random musings. There was one a single poem on each page so it made for quick reading. He turned page after page, taking in their varied tone, surprised by how punchy some of them were, the witty irony of others, the sadness and longing. But what he noticed most was the fragile tone of regret which made his chest ache and a warning feeling rise in his chest that he stupidly chose to ignore. He pushed on reading as if it was his life duty, even though it felt like he was walking into some kind of trap.

He finished the book in its entirety in under half an hour, tears stinging his eyes. It was just so…he didn’t have the words but his head was spinning and he needed answers, he couldn’t wait. He took photos of the three poems that had confused him the most and sent them Tablo with the question “yo did you write these ones?” He couldn’t bring himself to be more direct, he didn’t want to admit that he was terrified yet also hoping Tablo hadn’t, that it had Hanbin who had written them and that he had meant every word. As he waited in nervous anticipation for Tablo’s reply he re-read them again and again, wishing he could stop, but also not really wanting to.

Thankfully he didn’t have to wait long. His phone buzzed in his shaking hands, Tablo replied.

<< hey dude nah those ones were written by my deep and meaningful co-writer. You like? I can pass on the feedback? kkkkkk >>

Bobby couldn’t summon an appropriate reply, his feelings were all over the place. He was trying to work out if he was overthinking things or not…was he imagining connections? Making shit up…?

_…wtf is wrong with you dude, these probs aren’t even about you…stop being so narcissistic..!!!_

But then again there were certain facts he couldn’t ignore. The poems were about regret, about loss, about being sorry for hurting someone important, about love…and Hanbin hadn’t dated anyone before him and, unless everyone had been lying, it wasn’t like he had dated anyone since him…there weren’t many people Hanbin could talk about with that much honestly and rawness.

Then there was the whole theme of the book…lost moments, things one wished they had said but didn’t…it made sense in some ways that Hanbin would want to write poems about this after their breakup, Hanbin was terrible at apologies and maybe that would explain the silence after the breakup that had hurt so much...He had hoped and hoped after the breakup that Hanbin would reach out to him but he hadn’t. Maybe these poems were making up for that?

Then there was the fact that implicit in these poems was Hanbin’s understanding that he’d hurt him…that he had disappointed someone, pushed them away. He was sorry about that, agonised, in pain…full of regret. Bobby realised now that that was all he had needed to know all along…that Hanbin was aware of his feelings, that he got it. He could feel that resentment towards Hanbin that had been with him for so long, although in hiding, finally melting away…

There was a knock on his half-closed bedroom door and his mum stuck her head into the room.

“Jiwon, are you staying for dinner too –  oh! What’s this! is something wrong??” She had noticed Bobby’s furrowed brows and wet cheeks. She sat down next to him on the bed and stroked his cheek. Bobby smiled bashfully.

“Nah Mum, I’m ok. I just…realised something.” He mumbled thickly

“What about? It’s upset you...”

“It’s about Hanbin, Mum,” she looked at him surprised. He knew his mum had been devastated about their breakup, at times he had literally suspected him Mum of crushing more on Hanbin than he had. She thought Hanbin was amazing and had always been an adamant believer than her own son was his best match possible. Hanbin had only gone with him to visit his parents a handful of times but whenever they had met his Mum would pepper Hanbin’s cheek with proud kisses just the way she did to her own sons. But since the day he stormed into his parent’s home after the breakup, tears streaming down his face red with anger, and ordered them to not speak about Hanbin or even mention his name, she had respected his needs. Hanbin had disappeared abruptly from their family life and discussion until now.

“What about Hanbin, baby?” She said gently. He shook his head, frustrated that he couldn’t seem to stop the tears running down his face. He held up the book and waved it at her like it was a piece of key evidence in a court.

“He’s _sorry_ Mum, he really is, for everything that happened. Like this whole time…I just assumed he thought that I was wrong and an idiot, that I was the asshole who walked away, that I was the one overreacting. But like…from these poems I just _know_ , I just _know_ he is sorry…”

“And what does this mean Baby?”

“I think it means I have to talk to him.”

“Good idea baby. Be the one to start the conversation.”

_Well, I think he already has…_

***

 

It was the evening of the day of the press conference. Bobby was driving to Hanbin’s house and he was a mess. A happy, nervous, but determined mess. He drummed his hands manically on the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing in the car, trying to focus on keeping his cool. He just hoped Hanbin wouldn’t freak out too much over his turning up so expectedly. He actually didn’t take pleasure in surprising Hanbin, he knew how the guy hated surprises, especially the emotional kind. He just figured that if he gave Hanbin the option to talk he might back out and he couldn’t risk that.

_I need to talk to you….I need to tell you something…please listen….my feelings have changed…_

The weeks leading up to the press conference Bobby had changed his mind a hundred times about how to handle seeing Hanbin in person again, especially after his recent revelation. One part of him had wanted desperately to talk it out then and there before the press conference started, just because he was so desperate for Hanbin to know about his change of heart. The other part told him that was he dumbest idea in the world. Getting Hanbin all emotional and confused right before stepping out onto a stage in front of cameras and reporters?! That just wasn’t fair to Hanbin, even if that was what he personally wanted.

He decided to keep his distance from Hanbin to avoid any emotional situations, they both needed to be professional after all.

It had been so strange to see Hanbin in the flesh after so long…when Bobby had walked into the room he had felt Hanbin’s presence immediately, it hadn’t changed one bit. Out from the corner of his eye Bobby had seen Hanbin standing there in between Taeyang and GD, his hands behind his back, looking doe-eyed and pale, wearing all black, his hair slicked back…he’d looked handsome but tired and fragile. When they’d made eye contact he had done what he could to both acknowledge him and keep that distance. It was just a quick smile but it was all he could do without things escalating and opening up a conversation.

It had been surprisingly hard for Bobby to resist going up to Hanbin, telling him straight away what was on his mind, what he wanted. Bobby knew that had the situation been different with Hanbin he wouldn’t have been able to resist taking his hand, giving it a squeeze, telling him it would all be alright, playfully tinkling the cross dangling from his left ear to make him smile. He also knew that keeping his distance from Hanbin would disappoint him. He knew all too well how Hanbin built things up on his mind so they became far more important than they really were. But knowing that he was going to talk to Hanbin that evening made getting through that awkward press conference much easier, he wasn’t avoiding the situation as he had originally intended, they were going to deal with it and make the best of it. Just in a more private environment where they didn’t have to rush.

Now here he was in the car rehearsing what he wanted to say. Hardly believing he _wanted_ to say it. Had someone told him he would be feeling this way towards Hanbin even yesterday he would have laughed and told them to ‘fuck off.’ It was strange how just a brief chat with Tablo and a few poems had made him feel so…much and so quickly!

But Bobby wasn’t one to go against the flow, to go against his intuition, what felt right.

He was just going to have to go in there and be honest with Hanbin, tell him what he wanted, how he felt, as unbelievable as it was. And hope for that best that Hanbin feeling the way he did would take it ok.

 

***

 

_< <Yo Hanbin, it's me Jiwon, I'm outside your place. Can I come in? I need to talk to you about something>>_

Blood drummed loudly in Hanbin’s ears. He couldn’t believe it, was this a joke? Jiwon was outside his house wanting to talk to him. The shock of the situation felt like a bullet fired into his chest at close range. Breathing unevenly and with trembling hands he finally texted back.

<<ok just a minute>>

_Nice, real charismatic…Hanbin, that will get him going…!?!?!!?._

He stumbled down the stairs feeling as uncoordinated a new born foal, stopping as he passed a mirror in the stairwell his mum had put up for him. Funny how he’d never noticed it was there till now. He took an anxious look at himself and dragged a hand through his hair to give it some volume. He wished he still looked as good as he had that morning at the press conference after the make-up artist had hidden his most common fashion accessory: classic insomnia eyebags. He licked his lips and gave them a quick bite so they didn’t look so bloodless and gave each cheek a little slap. He needed to get it together. He realised Jiwon had probably been waiting a while now and leapt down the rest of the stairs feeling giddy. With every step a new terrifying thought sprung to mind.

_Is he going to be cold? Is he here to set boundaries?? To tell me to keep a distance?? Or has he had a change of heart….what if he…what if he feels differently, what if he wants me again…NO STOP THAT JUST STOP!! That is literally the least likely option! He’s here to sort something out…and it probably won’t be good…lower your expectations you moron!!!_

With his heart thundering in his chest he pulled open the door with sweaty hands. In his nervousness he swung it open faster than he expected and it made Jiwon who was leaning against the wall look up from his phone and jump in surprise. Jiwon recovered quickly though. He straightened up and gave Hanbin a slightly sheepish smile. He was wearing different clothes now, just a hoodie, jeans and old sneakers. Hanbin thought he looked even more amazing than he had that morning. A fluttering sensation was sweeping him from head to toe.

_….keep it cool Bin, keep it cool, he’s so fucking beautiful, but IT’S OK, just keep it cool…._

“Hey…” Bobby offered.

“Hey...” Hanbin echoed uncertainly. Bobby peered over Hanbin’s shoulder.

“Can I…?”

“Sorry, come in…” Hanbin jolted back to reality and stood back to let him in, barely breathing as Jiwon walked past him in the narrow entranceway. He closed the door and watched wide-eyed as Jiwon tentatively strode into his living room, taking in the environment with polite curiosity. Hanbin had been mentally preparing for a cold and distant Jiwon so this soft, polite Jiwon was throwing him into a stunned spin…he was still refusing to get his hopes up but all he knew was that this wasn’t a Jiwon who’d come here to fight.

Jiwon finished his quick look around, perched himself carefully on the arm of one of the sofas with his hands in his pockets, and regarded Hanbin with a small, neutral smile.

“The conference went well, hey?” Bobby put his question out there hesitantly, like a novice chess player sending out their first pawn.

“Yeah, yeah it did. The show is going to be interesting I think.” There was a long silence and Bobby looked around once more at his surroundings, as if trying to find a conversation starter hiding somewhere behind a piece of furniture.

It was a nice place Hanbin had, he liked it even though he preferred personally more open-plan spaces. It suited Hanbin well, being cosy and full of nooks to hide and nap in, but also aesthetically pleasing with its white and pale wood furnishings. He got the feeling though that Hanbin wasn’t particularly attached to it. It was too neat. Hanbin messed a place up when he liked it, like an animal creating a nest.

Bobby finally gave Hanbin a proper look since arriving. His own nerves were settling down now. Hanbin was leaning against the opposite wall and evidently nervous in the way his pupils were darting around, but he also seemed slightly less fragile than he had that morning at the press conference. He seemed less threatened and therefore less likely to act impulsively. Bobby was relieved and decided it was safe to proceed. It was time to get it over and done with.

 “So uh, I came here to apologise.” There was a long silence. Hanbin almost didn’t recognise the words, as if they were another language and he was the awkward foreigner.

“…for what?” Hanbin replied finally dumbfounded.

“Well I feel like I should have reached out to you before the press conference…to talk over how this would work.”

“It’s ok, you didn’t have to.” Hanbin murmured, his heart fluttering at Jiwon’s conciliatory approach. It was closer to kindness than he had ever anticipated. Jiwon was apologising - he hadn’t expected this in a million years.

“No, I should have. It just happened so quickly. Typical YG, hey? Ambushing everyone with a survival show at the last moment?” Bobby smiled broadly, his tone inviting Hanbin to take part in the in-joke. Hanbin smiled shyly and nodded. He was feeling all fuzzy, all soft, all _hopeful_ …he shut it down again ruthlessly.

_Quit it. Just quit it. be cool._

“But um, that wasn’t all I wanted to apologise for. I kinda realised something recently…like something about the whole…fight we had…” Hanbin’s heart accelerated. He couldn’t believe Jiwon was being so honest and open. Bobby looked at him remorsefully.

“I just realise that…I was pretty hard on you at the time and I said some stuff to you that I’m not proud of…like that you were selfish and well…I just wish I never said that and I’m sorry.” Hanbin closed his mouth which he realised was hanging open and leaned back against the wall for support, hiding his violently shaking hands behind him.

“So ahhh, will you…accept my apology??” Bobby asked with a shy chuckle, his eyebrows raised in comic sheepishness. Hanbin nodded seriously, his heart pounding.

“I forgave you ages ago.” He was being honest, Jiwon’s words had never hurt as much as his leaving had anyway.

“Cool. Cool Cool.” Bobby smiled, suddenly looking awkward again. “Because, well, I don’t know if this is too soon…but as I said, I’ve done a lot of thinking the last few weeks…and actually, if I’m honest with you…what got me thinking was your poetry, Tablo gave me a copy…”

Hanbin blushed a scorching crimson. Jiwon had read _Lost Words_? He didn’t know in that moment whether he had died or been reborn. He nodded, trying to keep up the poker face despite the fact he was clearly having a mild cardiac arrest. He’d known when he’d written those poems that there was a chance Jiwon would read them…that even the boys would read them and tell him about them. At the time when Tablo had asked him to collaborate and to brainstorm what he wanted to write about his answer had been easy: he wanted to write about what was on his mind, and that was heartbreak in its awful, melancholy, suffocating entirety. What was the point in writing about anything else? He could see now that Tablo had been trying to help him convert his heartbreak into art, something he could be proud of. So, he’d known all along there was a risk in being that honest…but frankly, at the time he was a bit too heartbroken to really care about the consequences. He’d wanted to bleed the words out of himself to cleanse himself of some of their poison.

He had wondered for a while whether Jiwon had read the book, but he more strongly suspected that like Jiwon’s heading off to America, Jiwon was more interested in moving on, escaping from it all. Anyway, Jiwon didn’t like to read. But now he had read the book and Hanbin was a combination of mortified, thrilled and relieved.

“…and well some of your words…about feeling sorry, and having regrets just made me realise my own feelings better…and basically your words helped me finally forgive you, if I’m being honest. And now, well, I know what I want, and I want to know if _you_ want that _too_ …”

Hanbin could have sworn his heart stopped beating. Every organ in his body paused itself in desperation to hear Jiwon’s next miraculous words as clearly as possible. Was this going to be the moment when Jiwon uttered the words Hanbin had dreamed of for nearly two years??

_I still love you, I want you, I need you…will you be mine again??_

For nearly two years Hanbin had experienced the most profound loneliness he had ever encountered. When he lost his boyfriend he also lost his best friend, his most reliable colleague, his creative partner, his kindred spirit. He had worked through that time, life had marched on, but not without a constant dull ache, a feeling of emptiness in the bed beside him, a feeling that even if he did well it didn’t really matter because the most important person in his life was no longer a joyful witness. He’d missed Bobby’s smile, his explosive sense of humour, the way he laughed at his jokes no matter how lame, his protectiveness, the way he had always boosted his mood and confidence, how reminded him of just how incredible life could be, he had missed his body, his skin, his hair, the way his lips felt against his....

Were those two years finally coming to an end? Was he going to have Jiwon back again? Was Jiwon wanting _him_ back again? Emotion welled within him and he knew that at any moment he would break down in relieved, exhausted, happy tears. The nightmare that had been his life since the breakup would soon going to be over.

Bobby shone his best cheeky bunny smile at Hanbin and continued.

“…I want to know if you wanna to be friends?? Maybe even good friends?”

Hanbin’s stomach dropped with a sickening thud.

_Friends. Maybe even good friends._

Bobby was more confident now, no doubt interpreting his horror as mere surprise.

“Like I can make it work if you can, honest. I am happy to put everything behind us, our whole history including the dating and relationship, and just be friends.” Hanbin managed to nod and smile only because he needed Jiwon to leave as soon as possible.

Of all the ways this talk could have gone, being friend-zoned by Jiwon had to be the worst. If Jiwon had been a jerk he could have been a jerk back. If Jiwon had declared his love could have declared it back. But _friends_? friends meant being close but not close enough. Being friends meant inescapable unrequited love. And what made things worse was that if he said no to being friends then he was the jerk! He was the one who had ruined their professional relationship before it even started!

Bobby was on a roll now, unaware of the shocked, dismayed disappointment into which Hanbin was rapidly sinking. He was talking energetically and positively, using his hands and smiling widely.

“Because I want us to be able to work well together. I don’t want there to be bad blood between us because before that whole fight there were so many good times and it’s that stuff, all those lessons we learned, all the hard work we put in, all the help we gave each other building our skills that I wanna give to the kids we’re gonna help. You get me?”

Hanbin nodded. He was completely numb now. He knew he was smiling stiffly even if he couldn’t feel it, that was what his brain was telling him to do. 

“Sure, friends.” Every atom in his body rejected the words. They were a curse disguised as an olive branch. Yet there he was, speaking them as if they were all he had ever wanted. Bobby beamed.

He walked over to Hanbin and extended his hand to clasp his own. Hanbin’s arm made the decision to take Bobby’s hand in his and allow him to bump their shoulders together.

“Sweet! Well good chat, bro. I’ll see you the day we start filming! It’s gonna be…!!” Bobby substituted his next word with some gangster hand signs. With that Bobby gave him one last charming smile and saw himself to the door. Hanbin heard the door click shut but he couldn’t move. He stayed leaning against the wall for how long he didn’t know. It could have been three minutes or thirty. It all felt the same, time had disbanded.

Finally, he pushed off from the wall and headed back to the studio. Well, there was work to do and it wasn’t going to do itself. He plodded up the stairs literally not thinking at all, his mind was a wide, vast, empty grey landscape. Perhaps that was that reason he suddenly forgot how to use a staircase. He tripped on the top step and flew forwards into the studio with a stunned yelp before hitting the floor. He didn’t land too hard and thankfully landing on his stomach hadn’t winded him. It was just been a bit of a shock. For a moment he lay there dazed but then he chuckled, visualising how silly he must have looked falling over like a clumsy goof. And the silly high-pitched yelp he’d made. The chuckles quickly became full manic peals of laughter. 

A voice came from the stair well.

“Hanbin!! Are you ok?!”

Namkyu had been halfway home when he realised he’d left some paperwork in Hanbin’s studio that needed to be submitted before midnight. He’d been halfway up the stairs when he’d noticed what looked like Hanbin’s feet flat against the floor at the top of the staircase. He ran the rest of the stairs two at a time thinking for a terrifying moment that Hanbin had collapsed. But as he got down on his knees next to Hanbin he realised he was simply shaking with laughter.

“What the hell Hanbin, what are you doing??”

“Don’t worry,” Hanbin replied wheezily, still on the floor and now feeling too tired to get up. The random laughing fit had passed and now he was feeling strangely light and empty. “I just tripped on the last step and went flying, it was just really, really funny for some reason, I don’t know why…” He sighed. Now the emptiness was vanishing and it was being replaced by something else, cold, dark and agonising.

“Right…” Namkyu was concerned. There was something opaque about Hanbin’s eyes, like they had turned into one of those two-way mirrors from movie interrogation scenes. There was something going on behind but he wasn’t sure Hanbin was going to let him in to find out…

“…here, sit up.” Namkyu helped pull him up off the ground but instead of standing up Hanbin slumped hard back against the wall and squeezed shut his eyes as if in acute pain. He let out a whimper and his hand clutched his chest where his heart sat. His manager’s blood ran cold.

“Hanbin, what’s wrong?? Are you injured?? Did you hurt something when you fell over??”

“ _oh god_ , help me,” Hanbin whispered, unable to raise his voice through the pain.

“I’ll call a doctor!” Namkyu whipped out his phone but Hanbin grabbed his arm with surprising strength to stop him. There was no point, a doctor couldn’t do anything. How could he explain to Namkyu that the pain he was feeling right now wasn’t a medical affliction? It was simply the last piece of his heart tearing.

There was no way a Bobby who still loved him could speak to him as candidly and easily as he had just then. A Bobby who still loved him could never settle for being just friends, no matter how good.  Bobby didn’t hide his feelings and he didn’t play games, it wasn’t his style. He’d been upfront with Hanbin from day one about how he felt towards him so when Bobby said he wanted to be friends he meant it.

Hanbin knew now he had to accept the devastating truth: Bobby just didn’t love him anymore. It was really over and the last piece of his heart that had still been clinging desperately, hopefully, to the idea that Jiwon might still love him, had finally torn itself in two.

“Hanbin, please tell me what is going on??” Namkyu urged. Tears were now gushing down Hanbin’s face from his tightly closed eyes.

“He doesn’t love me anymore, Nam,” he croaked. “He doesn’t lo-,” his voice broke off into another plaintive whimper and then suddenly he was wracked by sobs of disappointment. For a while Namkyu couldn’t bring himself to speak, if he hadn’t been determined to stay strong he very well would have cried too.  He had seen Hanbin in a variety of moods and mental states over the past year, some happy and some anxious. But this was the first time he had seen his young client cry and it was harrowing.

“What happened Bin? Did you two speak just now? Did he call?” Hanbin gasped for air in between sobs.

“He came over….just now, He…” He couldn’t even say it, it was too terrible but Namkyu understood what must have happened. Whatever had passed just now with Jiwon had told Hanbin all that he needed to know. He sighed heavily.

“-shhhh, come here.”

Namkyu gently pulled Hanbin forward, resting his head against his own shoulder, and held him tightly, petting the back of his head. Namkyu had been waiting and waiting, often impatiently, for Hanbin to realise it was truly over with Bobby. But now it had finally happened and the heartbreak was unfolding right before his eyes he wanted to take this pain away from him as fast as he could. But all he could do was hold him.

After some time Hanbin stopped sobbing abruptly and let out a weary, shuddery sigh.

“Help me, Nam,” Hanbin mumbled damply against his manager’s shoulder.

“How, what do you need? I will do anything for Bin, you know that. What will make you feel better?”

“I need to get over him so I can do this show. _I need to move on_.” Hanbin was speaking clearly now, almost angrily.

Surprised, Namkyu let Hanbin pull back from his shoulder. Hanbin’s face was still pale and wet with tears but Namkyu also noticed something surprising that gave him hope. There was something determined about the way Hanbin was now roughly wiping his sleeve across his wet nose and mouth, something steely and resolute in his black eyes that were staring intensely into his own. He had seen this face a few times, it appeared whenever Hanbin made important decision or committed to something challening. He couldn’t help smiling. After all, when Hanbin made a decision or committed to something important he stuck to it with a stubbornness that guaranteed success.

“I’m ready now. I want to move on,” Hanbin asserted. The worst had finally happened – Bobby just told him to his face he didn’t love him anymore. It hadn’t been directly stated but it was beyond obvious. Hanbin realised now that it was the hope that Bobby did still love him that had been keeping him back for so long, stopping him from moving on.

Yes, the worst really had happened, but he had survived _._ In fact, he felt a strength he hadn’t for a long time, a determination, relief in knowing now what path to take forwards. He’d been in a limbo since the breakup but now he knew what to do. He was going to get over Bobby or die trying.

He smiled back calmly at his manager and let him help him to his feet. Namkyu took him by the shoulders proudly.

“You’re gonna be ok, kid. You’re gonna be ok.”


	5. Starting Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> accismus
> 
> (n.) feigning disinterest in something while actually desiring it. 
> 
>    
> irenic
> 
> (n.) tending to promote peace or reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me ages to get around to updating this chapter! Also sorry if it is a little hard to follow, the structure is a little weird. I hope it's tolerable even if it may not be up to my normal standard xx

The bright training room was full of music and the squeaks of sneakers hitting the floor. The air smelt of sweat, anxiety and determination. Bobby leant against the mirrored wall and Hanbin sat cross legged on the floor next to him, a little bit further away than was necessary. They were watching a group of five trainees struggle to perfect a dance routine and they were running out of time to get it right. The first week of shooting the survival show,  _Fast Forward,_ was nearly over and the very next day the trainees would be judged by YG and several YG coaches in their first official evaluation.

Bobby and Hanbin were tired and concerned. It has been a long, strange, nostalgic week and every step of the way drama has unfolded among the thirty contestants who all had different personalities but shared the one same goal: guaranteed debut. Many of the contestants had never imagined they would have to go through a survival show just to make it through YG’s selective doors. Some were bitter about the situation, some were thrilled to be getting such exposure, and some were struggling to see past their own ambitions and work with others. It wasn’t that the contestants didn’t listen to Bobby and Hanbin's advice, if anything they were so respectful and in awe it was still taking time to get them to open up and show them their real personalities. They listened eagerly but their ability to take on the advice quickly and effectively varied widely as they were all at different skill levels. For Hanbin and Bobby it was like trying to help Chanwoo, Jinhyeong and Hongseok all over again, but this time there were thirty of them. 

At this stage in the competition Bobby and Hanbin were essentially preparing the thirty contestants for the next two rounds, if they made it through of course. In this round which lasted four week the contestants would all take part in three evaluations. This first week saw the contestants placed into groups of five and given the challenge of putting together a routine that involved the three main skills: dance, rap and vocals. Bobby and Hanbin had been working as a duo and individually to cover the six teams, watching them put together their routines, offering advice, changing parts that didn’t work, and just overall helping them as much as they could.

The second week would be the same task, however the groups would be restructured to shake things up and the evaluation involved the same judges plus the Big Bang and 2NE1 members. The final two weeks in which Hanbin and Bobby would be coaching was going to be extremely challenging not just for the trainees but for them as well. The thirty trainees were going to be split into two groups of fifteen and each group would have to put together two performances, one dance only and the other dance, singing, and rap combined.  It was a huge task but Bobby was preferring not to think that far ahead. He was just focusing on helping the trainees get through the present moment.

The three evaluations at this first round were designed to discover which trainees had the charisma and skills to stand out from the crowd and make the most of their stage time. The trainees were frantic and their excitement and desperation had rubbed off onto Hanbin and Bobby far more quickly than they had anticipated. They had both forgotten to a surprising extent just how intense survival shows were.

But the week had been difficult for Bobby in other ways. He was still feeling reasonably fresh from his time in the States and he'd been so preoccupied with wondering how things would go working with Hanbin that he hadn’t had time to really prepare himself for the wave of memories that had hit him each and every day. It wasn't just the memories of the survival shows that were returning to him full pelt but also the pre-debut years. Those long, confusing, stressful, joyful, bittersweet years which had all taken place in the very same rooms he was now coaching.

It had been a nearly two years since he’d set foot in these rooms. Nearly two years since Ikon had gone on hiatus. Nearly two years since the breakup…He glanced down at Hanbin on the floor next to him the embodiment of concentration: his chin resting on his hand as he watched the contestants dancing with his usual piercing gaze, his black pupils darting between them, honing in on any mistakes, even the most subtle, his face set in a calculating frown. 

Bobby almost smiled. Once upon a time that face of Hanbin’s had intimidated him but now…well, things were so different.

As the contestants danced and he had the first time that hectic, busy week full of rehearsals, contestant interpersonal dramas, meetings, pep talks, and lectures, to properly reflect. He suddenly wondered what Hanbin was thinking about everything. It was hard to know because like a professional poker player Hanbin gave given almost nothing away the past week, maintaining a seemingly cool, calm, professional exterior. However once or twice Bobby had looked over at Hanbin and caught him for a split second without his mask on. In those brief fleeting moments it appeared to Bobby that Hanbin was holding himself together very very tightly, like he was gripping a cliff's edge and managing to hold on out of sheer will power. Hanbin would catch him looking and suddenly the mask was back on. 

Bobby just did his best to pretend he hadn't noticed anything...

 

***

 

When Bobby had left Hanbin’s house after that painful talk in which they “agreed” to be friends he had needed to sit in his car for a few minutes to collect himself. He ran his hands through his hair swearing under his breath, reeling from the energy their encounter had required. The hope that had flicked across Hanbin’s face when Bobby had mentioned the poetry had not been lost on him.

He had acted as oblivious as possible to hanbin’s feelings at the time but it had still been soul-destroying to realise that the boys and his own worst suspicions had been correct – Hanbin still wanted him back. It had been plain as day in Hanbin’s sad, hopeful eyes. Then to see that hope die abruptly as soon as he mentioned the word "friends?" Well that had been fuckin' awful. 

Nonetheless, whilst driving back to his place through the streets of Seoul and thinking things over, he felt like a huge concrete weight had been lifted off his chest. He knew it was going to suck for a while for Hanbin but he was genuinely convinced he’d done the right thing and set up a better working relationship dynamic.

He honestly believed that setting that final boundary with Hanbin had been the final hurdle they'd needed to overcome before they could slowly become friends again. So what they’d been in a long term relationship? So what it had ended in nearly two years of silence and resentment? So what Hanbin still wanted him? Maybe this would be different because they weren't in a relationship anymore...the more he thought about it the more he began to believe that was what had gone wrong.

Being _friends_ with Hanbin wasn't the problem, as the boys could vouch for - they loved the guy and knew he made a great friend. And working with Hanbin wasn't the problem as they could all vouch for including Bobby himself - he made an amazing leader and they all trusted his decisions. Bobby was now almost certain what the problem had been was being in a relationship with Hanbin _and_ working with him at the same time. The idea wasn't new exactly, in fact Bobby had had the thought quite soon after the breakup....

As he began winding his way down the wide, clean streets of Gangnam back to his apartment he suddenly remembered the bitter conversation he’d had with Jinhwan a month after the breakup. At that point in time Jinhwan and the other boys had been furious with him and shocked that he’d breakup with Hanbin during a moment of crisis. On his way to meet Jinhwan he’d known to expect a scolding but he’d come prepared.

They’d met in a quiet coffee shop around the corner from his parents place full of pot plants, creeper vines and mismatched vintage chairs. Just the cute, trendy place Jinhwan liked. Bobby hadn't really complimented the scenery. He’d rocked up with unwashed hair, bags under his eyes and a bitter, sorrowful aura wrapped around him like an invisible straight-jacket. He hadn’t been hungry or thirsty, and the iced Americano Jinhwan bought him sat before him untouched like a repulsive, sickly, cream tower. Jinhwan was staring at him imploringly from across the table. 

“You can’t do this. They’ve slammed him into full damage control mode. He can’t even speak to his Dad, he can’t leave his house. He is a total wreck and he _needs_ you.” Jinhwan announced calmly but sternly.

“Yeah, I bet he fucking does.” Bobby retorted.

“Then make up already, it’s been a month Jiwon.” Jinhwan protested. 

“No.” Bobby stared back at him, feeling the need to be rebellious for the sake of it. Jinhwan didn’t get it…he didn’t know what it was like to be in a relationship with Hanbin. He hated that they all wanted him to go back to something was that had been making him miserable for months and months now. It was unfair. 

“Look, I love you but right now this is a total dick move. Don’t break up with someone when they’re in the middle of a crisis!” Jinhwan scolded with angry, flushed cheeks. Bobby leaned over the table ready to meet Jinhwan for combat. He spoke in a low, dangerous growl. 

“You know what’s really funny?? That you think I will actually be able to make him feel better during this.”  Jinhwan gave him a strange look.

“What do you mean..?”

“I have tried and tried and tried to convince, reassure, comfort and help him…BUT HE DOESN’T LISTEN TO ME. Why don’t you _get_ that??” Bobby was full of angry energy. Thank god he hadn’t touched the Americano, he would have been worse if he had. “He stopped listening to me aaaages ago! If I go to him now this is what’ll happen, I promise you: I’ll say to him “don’t worry about the haters, forget about them” and he will reply “You don’t get it! You don’t know how hard this is, don’t tell me to calm down!!” Then I will say “don’t worry this is a really hard time but it will pass” and he will reply “what if it doesn’t pass, what then??” Then I will say “don’t worry we will work something out, even if you need a new life to start over I will be there with you” and he will reply “that’s not a life I want! Why don’t you get that Jiwon??”

“That is better than nothing.” Jinhwan replied stubbornly. Bobby shrugged. 

“Sure, it’s better than nothing but fuck it, I’ve been fighting this battle for too long…he wants my help and I have never denied him that. Never. But guess what? Each and every time I try to support him I cop all the anxiety, all the stress, all the stubbornness. And for what? For him to go and do the opposite of what I tell him to do again and again and again. Nope. I’m done. It’ someone else’s turn to give everything but still do no good.”

 “But he loves _you._  He doesn’t want anyone else!"

“Why don’t you get it!?” Bobby suddenly shouted, making a few people in the café turn their heads. He continued more softly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. But seriously, dude, listen to me…I’m not breaking up with him to be a dick…I’m not breaking up with him to punish him…I’m breaking up with him because I’m _burnt out_. I just can’t _do_ it anymore...” Suddenly his voice broke. He wasn’t crying but his throat felt tight and his chest was full of throbbing anger and sadness. “Please, _please_ can you just try to imagine dating Hanbin, being his go-to person for work AND personal stuff?? I cop everything twice as much as the rest of you! I get it twice over! It’s fucking intense man, and I can’t, I can’t do it anymore. I need a break. I’m sorry.”

There had then been a long silence as Jinhwan regarded him miserably with tears running down his face. The only reason Bobby wasn’t crying himself was because he’d woken up crying that morning. His tear ducts were probably still trying to refill themselves. He hated that Jinhwan was so upset but he had one more thing to say.

“Honestly, the last thing I am going to say is this: even if I wanted to go to Hanbin right now, tell him I’m sorry, and be there for him…the simple fact of the matter is…I’m not even sure I’m the right person for that anymore. I genuinely don’t think I’m any good for him, Jinhwan. He’s too used to me, I’m like a broken record to him…he stopped listening and can already predict everything that will come out of my mouth. I’m just a nagger to him..”

“That’s not true.” Jinhwan whispered, barely able to speak through his emotion. “He loves you, he really does. He doesn’t mean to push you away…he doesn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

Bobby had been wrong, it turns out he did have fresh tears ready to go. And they began pouring down his face. He scrubbed them away simply because they were distracting. He was way too upset to give a fuck about anyone in the café seeing his sadness right now. He’d lost all shame.

“I know…and that’s why my heart is fucking broken. But you need to know when to let go. And right now, that’s what I gotta do. Do you understand?” Bobby croaked, looking at Jinhwan desperately from under his eyebrows, hoping that finally he’d gotten through to him. Jinhwan wiped his tears away with a napkin and finally managed a smile.

“I get you.” Jinhwan murmured and Bobby sighed with relief. Jinhwan daintily wiped his tears away with a napkin and finally managed a small smile. “Maybe this is why everyone always says not to date someone in the same band. _This_ happens.”

 

...But it was true Bobby reflected, letting himself into his apartment, tossing off his shoes and flopping down onto his bed. He had been Hanbin’s number one work colleague…and his boyfriend. No wonder he got burnt out.

But this time working with Hanbin was going to be different, he’d learned from his mistakes…they weren’t together, they weren’t each other’s main support anymore. In his mind now they were getting closer to the point where friendship was a possibility. They didn’t have to be _best_ friends, but he needed that closure, that mutual forgiveness and reconciliation. Carrying around that resentment for nearly two years had been far more draining then he’d ever realised. He was thankful Tablo had helped him realise that…or else he’d probably still be avoiding Hanbin like the plague and that was just juvenile and gross behaviour.  

And anyway, breaking the news to Hanbin that they weren’t getting back together was the _right_ thing to do as far as he was concerned. Only assholes kept people waiting around and hoping in vain…leading them on and on and on…

 

Then before he knew it, the first day of _Fast Forward_ had begun. Before walking into the room on that very first day at the start of the week Bobby had been nervous but clear-headed at the same time. He knew what his goals were for the next few weeks while working with Hanbin and he was confident in them. With his hand on the door handle he paused and quickly ran through them in his mind.

 

_OK, Dude, you have three jobs and they are:_

  1. _Work well with Hanbin and treat him maturely and with good intentions_
  2. _Give the trainees the best support and advice you can_
  3. _Be professional and keep feelings out of the workplace_



_Now…just FUCKING DO IT._

 

He took a deep breath and walked into the room and bowed to YG and Hanbin who was of course there early. He quickly scanned Hanbin’s face and saw that he looked serious but composed. He bowed back at Bobby and didn’t exactly smile at him but he didn’t exactly frown either and Bobby decided to take that as a good sign. A little voice in the back of his head had been worried that in between the time he’d left Hanbin’s house the other night and the first day of work Hanbin would have had descended into some kind of depression or rage. But he seemed resigned to the situation…or at least committed to being professional. Bobby was relieved and decided to keep hoping for the best. He would stick to his brief and act as mature as possible about it all. He knew it was too soon to expect Hanbin to want to be friendly...but hopefully by the end of the first week he would be warming up...

As Bobby listened to YG and the producers as they gave him and Hanbin the brief his mind had wandered and his eyes leapt around the room taking in all the familiar yet surreal sights. It was like suddenly his whole body was absorbing the memories of the room by osmosis.

_Jesus it literally still smells the same…the same squeaky floors, those fucking yellow lights…the same sound system over there…the same benches…everything, it’s just the same as all those years ago of all-nighters, endless dance routines, crazy fast song-writing…all those random games we played…that time we played mafia…that time we pranked Jinhwan…._

“All clear Jiwon?” YG asked, interrupting his reverie. He nodded earnestly, slightly embarrassed he’d been caught day dreaming on the job already. YG left the room to discuss something with a producer and then Bobby and Hanbin were alone. He finally gave Hanbin a proper look-over. He was looking better, another good sign, far less skittish and fragile as the last two times he’d seen him. He seemed to have regained some of his B.I. confidence and charisma. But he did have a slightly distant aura around him. Bobby decided to break the ice as Hanbin appeared to be lost in his own thoughts and wasn't going to say anything anytime soon.

“So, you ready?” Bobby asked going for a carefree tone. Hanbin nodded calmly, meeting his eyes briefly then looking down again to reply.

“Yeah, it’s going to be a lot of hard work, especially the last two weeks. There are thirty of them. We’ve never choreographed something for more than nine.”

“We can do it. And we have the choreo team to help us.” Bobby replied as cheerfully as he could. Hanbin looked up at him and gave him a strange look.

“Always positive aren’t you…” Hanbin chuckled without really smiling.

Bobby didn’t know what to say to that cryptic comment. It wasn’t a compliment and it wasn’t a criticism but he added another goal to his mental list:

 

  1. _Don’t fucking take on Hanbin’s problems and feelings. They are his and he can deal with them. That’s not my job anymore._



 

“…No, but you’re right. We can do it. it’s going to be great.” Hanbin looked at him more softly as he said those words but once again he looked away quickly. A feeling similar to guilt snagged on something in Bobby’s chest but he unstuck it and pushed it away before it could settle in too deep.

_HANBIN’S FEELINGS ARE HIS FEELINGS. NOT MINE. NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. FORGET IT JIWON._

Before anything more could be said YG returned and announced the cameras were about to begin rolling. He and Hanbin took their places on either side of YG and prepared themselves for the contestants entrance. It was about to begin, an intense month of work with Hanbin and thirty trainees…He shot a glance at Hanbin and saw he had entered hard-working, determined Tigerbin mode. It has been nearly two years since he’d seen that face…

As they waited patiently for the huge group of trainees to make their way through the building to their location Bobby silenced the lingering thoughts about Hanbin and how he was feeling out of his mind. This was no place for feelings, it was time to get down to business. And anyway he'd set the boundaries the other night. He'd done everything he could to make this situation better for the both of them. 

 

 

***

The afternoon dragged on and on as Hanbin stopped and started the dance rehearsal with the same struggling group. Bobby went to and fro between the rooms, visiting the other groups and seeing how they were going. But he and Hanbin needed to spend intensive time with this group in particular, the skill levels were too varied within this group and they were having trouble keeping up with each other.

Bobby felt quite sad at times looking on and already knowing which of the trainees were the least likely to make it through. Some just weren’t ready and how could they be? They hadn’t had years of intense YG training so of course the majority of them weren’t going to be able to keep up with the fast-tracked progress of the show into a guaranteed debut. The name of the show, _Fast Forward,_ was more than fitting for the situation...

For the first three repetitions of the group’s choreo Bobby had joined in with the trainees just to show them they were all in it together, that no one was too good to practice their ass off. They had all enjoyed that, even Hanbin had smiled shyly at seeing Bobby do his best to learn the moves. 

But of course, with Hanbin in charge of the dance component they had all lost count of how many repetitions they were at now and Bobby had bowed out long ago. leaning back against the mirrors now watching onwards nervously with Hanbin, all Bobby could see was a bunch of trainees deep in the throes of a physical and mental battle of mind over matter. 

“Stop, stop stop.” Hanbin halted the dance routine for the one hundredth time to give feedback. Bobby watched on carefully, knowing what Hanbin was going to pull them up on. “Jiho you need to widen your movements, make them bigger, more exaggerated. And Daewon you’re struggling to keep up because your footwork is too slow. You will need to practice that till it is effortless, ok? And you all need to sit right on the beat, keep it tight. Ok, let’s go again but just from the beginning of this section…” Hanbin pressed the play button “ _go_.”

Bobby couldn’t help smiling from time to time at the blatant fear mixed with admiration the trainees felt towards “Hyung-Have-You-Practiced-B.I.” But Hanbin’s coaching was beyond excellent, his ability to refine a performance to perfection was now a finely-honed skill. Hanbin obviously hadn’t changed training tactics dramatically in the year and ten months that had passed, if anything he’d just gotten better. He was still relentless when it came to forcing the best out of people and just as perfectionist when it came down to all the little details. But he was also encouraging. He was happy to congratulate people warmly when they did well, finally got something right or worked hard.

God, it brought back so many memories of his own trainee years…Bobby really hadn’t expected to grow so fond of the kids so quickly, and to be to connected with their feelings so soon. He could see it in their eyes, the single question burning question that had also haunted him: “ _should I just give up?!”_

Giving up. What a curse of a fantasy that had been for him during those first awful months as YG. Dwelling on it has been like opening Pandora’s box too. The moment he gave the thought more than a second he suddenly had an endless list of reasons why giving up was the best fucking idea in the world: the stress would be over, he could go back to being lazy, he didn’t have to constantly evaluate himself and compare himself to others, he could be a normal high schooler, he could date, he wouldn’t have to diet and worry about his figure, he could game more, play basketball whenever he felt like it, but best of all he could be home with his Mum, Dad and brother…

“Hey, let’s give them a break. They are need a moment.” Bobby suggested quietly to Hanbin. He’d noticed one of the girls was looking particularly emotional. She was from the U.S. and Bobby had heard whispers amongst the trainees that she was struggling with homesickness and sleeplessness. His heart went out to her but they were under strict orders from YG not to get too close to the trainees…stress, age gaps and power dynamics provided a potent environment for romantic chemistry to develop…Bobby was doing his best as the more “approachable” coach to keep a friendly distance.

Hanbin didn’t look up at him but he nodded. Bobby appreciated that Hanbin was genuinely respecting his wishes, another good sign!

“Ok, take a break. Be back here in ten minutes, ok?” Hanbin announced. The contestants released heavy sighs and left the room for some fresh air.

“They’re not even nearly ready.” Bobby muttered grimly, sliding down against the mirrored wall to sit next to Hanbin on the floor.

“Yeah…No…not at all…” Hanbin replied distractedly. He was studying the “treasure map” to the routine that they had created with the help of the YG choreographers. He was trying to decide whether he needed to make a change to a certain section, he just wasn’t sure he the trainees were going to be able to make it work or not and his number one goal was to make them look as good as possible to show off what they did have rather than advertise what they didn’t have.  Bobby listened carefully as Hanbin explained his thoughts, appreciating that he was genuinely respecting his opinion as a fellow coach. That was the good thing about Hanbin…so obsessive about music he did tend to let everything else fade out to the background for a while...

The break finished quickly and the trainees returned to the room with a variety of exhausted expressions on their faces. However, it appeared the American trainee hadn’t returned. That was when Bobby and Hanbin noticed there was a slight commotion outside the room, the camera crew were bustling outside the door trying to capture some drama.  Hanbin and Bobby exchanged a look and knew they were going to have to check it out. They asked the other trainees to wait for them a minute and walked out the door to find the American trainee collapsed on her knees on the floor in the dark corridor, crying hysterically as an assistant tried to help her to her feet. Bobby and Hanbin looked at each other with shocked, worried faces and any personal concerns between them went out the door.

Hanbin crouched down next to her and gently touched the top of her head. Bobby was surprised by the soft gesture but the girl couldn’t even look up.

“What’s wrong? Are you tired?” Hanbin asked softly.

“She’s homesick, Bin.”

Hanbin looked up at him with a surprised expression on his face but he nodded.  As an expert in homesickness Bobby just knew - he could hear it in her sobs. Homesickness had a particular sound, it came with a certain gnawing desperation to it that plunged deep into his own chest and brought back his own memories of homesickness. He asked the cameras to give them some more room and he sat down on the floor next to the crying trainee. He gave her some time and then asked her to make sure he was right.

“You’re missing your family?” She nodded frantically and a new wave of tears overcame her. Hanbin was looking at him concernedly.

“Jiwon, can we talk for a second?” They stood up and moved away.

“Can you talk to her? Cheer her up? I’m not good at this stuff…and you know all about it. Homesickness and everything.”

“Yeah sure, but…” Bobby stopped mid-sentence realising there was no way he could continue saying what had just sprung to mind.

“But what?” Hanbin queried.

“Nothing, sure. You continue with the rest of the group, I’ll talk to her.”

“Thanks, and after you talk to her maybe tell her to rest for a bit then join us again when she is ready…whatever you think is best.”

Hanbin shot the girl another worried look and went back into the training room, one of the cameras followed him no doubt to capture the trainees concerned expressions. Bobby approached the girl again and gently asked if she could stand up, he wanted to have a chat. She nodded and got to her feet clumsily, Bobby helped her up by taking her by the elbow. He led her over to a seat and sat down but as he began listening to her story of homesickness his mind couldn’t help returning to the comment Hanbin had just made.

_“Can you talk to her? Cheer her up? I’m not so good at this stuff…”_

The reason it had surprised Bobby was because it was so blatantly untrue. After all it was Hanbin who had gotten him through his homesickness. Maybe Hanbin had just forgotten?

 

***

 

It was hard to remember when exactly it had all begun it was so many years ago now, he’d just been fifteen years old. But all Bobby knew for sure was that it hadn’t taken long at all for Hanbin to notice his bitter battle with homesickness. Out of the three of them, Hanbin, Jinhwan and himself, Hanbin had been the only one free from homesickness. Jinhwan missed Jeju and his family and he had missed his own family in Fairfax. Looking back, Hanbin had had a full time job those first few months. Not only did he have to help get them up to scratch he’d found himself trying to comfort two massive cry-babies.

The comforting gestures had started off small but coming from Hanbin, who was without a doubt the most intimidating, talented, ambitious younger guy Bobby had ever encountered, they had seemed like small, blessed miracles, each and every one. Hanbin started off buying him food – fish cakes, churros, pringles – Hanbin had picked up quickly that Bobby had no pocket money to spend on such things so healways gave them to Bobby flippantly, as if Bobby had actually asked him to get them for him and he was just completing the favour. Bobby would murmur a demure thank you but Hanbin was always already off again, talking to someone else, practicing again in front of the mirrors, pacing around the room whilst eating, snuggling Jinhwan. Bobby realised over time that was just Hanbin’s way of not wanting to embarrass him or make him feel self-conscious in front of the others about not having money of his own. 

By the first month in the gestures had become more physical. Hanbin ruffled his hair, threw things at him, grabbed him by the wrist, tugged his shirt when he wanted his attention. He would sling his arm around his shoulders, even playfully touch his face, slap his butt when he was being cheeky. Bobby’s heart had literally nearly stopped pumping the first time Hanbin had linked his arms with his one night and walked him back to the dorms, joking the whole way while Bobby struggled to concentrate on what was being said. The way things escalated so quickly though made sense, they literally spent every waking and sleeping hour together, struggled through dance routines together relaxed together, ate together, showered together. it was impossible to remain scared of someone who you spent so much time with. Day by day the terrifying, sharp-tongued, popular and vastly talented Hanbin became more and more casual with him.

In fact, it turned out Hanbin was also really fucking funny. Bobby loved Hanbin's jokes because they were surprisingly self-deprecating and ironic for a guy who took himself so seriously, it was intriguing. Furthermore they helped him forget where he was...thousands and thousands of miles from his family. 

But Hanbin's gestures to help him combat homesickness had not stopped there. Looking back the food, skinship and jokes had only been the lead up to a whole new series of more meaning gestures that would plunge Bobby into a state of feverish, joyful, confusion. 

As Bobby had struggled to develop his dance skills as quickly as YG expected Hanbin started putting in long hours with him. Bobby was always in a state of awe and despair when watching Hanbin perform each monthly evaluation. He made everything look so easy, despite the fact Bobby knew exactly how hard he worked. Hanbin held nothing back and it was incredible to watch but also scary…Bobby couldn’t help worrying at times that maybe he just didn’t have as much to give as Hanbin. What if he wasn’t cut out for this business because even though he knew his rap was improving rapidly, the dancing was just to freakin hard!! His body was in a constant state of agony from over-used muscles. Also at the time his parent’s were having trouble paying for internet, so skype sessions had become increasingly rare. As a result his energy and motivation had plummeted. There were days he hadn’t wanted to get out of bed and clung to his pillow desperately. He stopped eating as much, and sometimes couldn't even be bothered to laugh at Hanbin's jokes. 

But Hanbin hadn’t let him off the hook. Not even once. Hanbin had practiced with him for hours and hours late into the night, even when he could have gone out with the other better trainees, gone home to see his family, or just relaxed in the dorms. Then once he'd finally managed to get it right or they had simply decided to try again tomorrow, they would march back to the dorms together at 1am, laughing through the pain of their swollen sore feet and muscles, Jinhwan more often than not by their side, helping  to keep their spirits up.

Then Bobby would collapse into bed and then wait for the a whole different kind of inevitable agony.

While his homesickness was a constant throughout the day, like having a chronic low-grade headache, the attacks were the worst at night when there was nothing to distract him. The first week at YG he hadn’t cried, nor the second – he’d been too shocked and confused by the sudden change and culture shock to really miss his family. But by the third week when it had finally sunk in that he wasn’t going to see his parents, brother or grandparents for _no one knew how long_ …the homesickness had floored him like a punch out of nowhere. And the ache of it wasn’t just in his heart, it was in his chest, his rib cage, his stomach and shoulders, his neck, legs and arms. It was the helplessness of the situation, the complete absence of solutions. He didn’t have the money to go see them anytime soon and they certainly didn’t have the money to come see him. There was no way to get around the fact that he was totally separated from them, and the only way to see them again would be to give up at YG and return home empty-handed. 

So all he could do was cry and that wasn’t even a solution, it was just a coping strategy. Every night he waited until Jinhwan and Hanbin had both stopped tossing and sighing and were both sound asleep. Then finally he caved in and let it all out, turning his face into his pillow to muffle the sound. Tears gushing from his eyes, snot going everywhere, his throat all hoarse and scratchy, and a terrible ache in his chest that forced him into a miserable little ball on his bed… it happened every night without fail. He would cry himself to sleep, wake up the next morning, somehow get through the day, and go to bed and do it all again. What made it worse was that no one knew, not even the guys who shared the room with him. The loneliness was overwhelming.

But then one night, round about two months after his arrival something different had happened. It was around 1am, he was in the middle of a typical crying spell and had just started getting sleepy. Then he’d felt a weight drop down onto his bed next to him. Startled he opened his eyes to find Hanbin lying down facing him. In the darkness Bobby could tell Hanbin’s eyes were closed and he was obviously still half asleep but he reached out an arm and patted Bobby’s back. For ages Bobby lay there shocked and embarrassed. It was humiliating to think he’d woken Hanbin up with his babyish crying, but at the same time Hanbin didn’t seem the least bit concerned by that. Hanbin's hand continued to make comforting swirls on his back until the last of his hiccups subsided. Then Hanbin had fallen asleep, his arm still slung over Bobby protectively.

Ironically Bobby still hadn’t slept well despite Hanbin’s obviously caring intentions – he had been too surprised, too touched. His heart had pounded with a strange speediness lying there next to Hanbin that had made him confused and a little anxious. He put it down to being overtired and over emotional. He eventually fell into a deep, exhausted sleep.

The next morning Bobby woke up and Hanbin had disappeared from his side. He raised his head from his pillow to see the shape of Hanbin back in his own bunk.

During the day there was no sign from Hanbin that anything had happened, nothing out of the ordinary. No recognition of the fact they’d just shared a bed and he had literally fallen asleep in Hanbin’s arms that previous night - no self-consciousness, no knowing looks, nothing. Just the same dazzling, witty, intimidating Hanbin going about his daily business of being cheeky, confident and killing dance routines. 

Bobby continued his day as normal too, but he honestly didn’t know whether this level of intimacy was standard in South Korea. He’d left the country as a kid unburdened by social norms and rules but returned in his teens. Never in his life would social norms and rules be more important to his fitting in and being accepted than his teen years. How American guys acted with each other back in Virginia was what he was used, but Hanbin and Jinhwan approached a type of friendship that was full of unapologetic, earnest skinship, so much so it bordered on the weird…but no one seemed to think it was weird?! Bobby’s head began to spin.

_Maybe South Korean guys slept in each other’s beds all the time when they’re sad or something?! Maybe I’d think this was normal if I hadn’t gone to the states…?? Or maybe I’m in some weird cult or something?! Do I need to go to church coz of this?! Jesus Christ help me._

Throughout that day as they went about their normal grueling routine of studying, dancing, rapping, and preparing for the next monthly evaluation Bobby found himself staring at Hanbin. He was suddenly noticing things about him he hadn’t before. From day one he had been awed by Hanbin’s unique presence but now he was impressed by everything about him, even the parts of him that prevented him from being classified as classically attractive. His big nose with its slight hook and high nostrils, his full lips, his long oval face and turned-out monkey ears, his skinny frame, distinctive long almond-shaped eyes, and smooth elegant lids.

Each time he found himself staring he had pulled himself together and reminded himself that what had happened the night before had just been a friendly one-off gesture. Hanbin must have woken up randomly, noticed he was crying and decided to comfort him. No big deal. Not at all.

But it _felt_ like a big deal, it felt huge.

That night he had gone to bed with butterflies bursting into panicked flight in his stomach. He wondered if he would even be able to cry with all that nervous activity in his stomach from Hanbin being on his brain all day. But the homesickness was obviously a force to be reckoned with and while Hanbin and Jinhwan drifted off to sleep he felt it building up in him like an overflowing well.

But he was extra careful that night. He waited longer than normal as hard as it was. He had cried for about forty minutes into his pillow, feeling even sadder that Hanbin hadn’t come to his rescue again and comforted him, and stupid for hoping. He tried to tell himself that made sense, Hanbin wasn’t his parent and the guy needed to sleep himself…

Then suddenly his mattress bounced. He opened his puffy eyes and there was Hanbin once again. With his eyes closed and breathing deeply through his nose, obviously half-asleep. Then suddenly Hanbin petted the back of his head and neck. Soft, caring strokes that stopped Bobby’s tears in their tracks. This time Bobby wasn't so shocked, he could enjoy it more and it felt wonderful. He let Hanbin pet him to sleep.

The next morning Hanbin was back in his own bed and still during the day there was no awkwardness, no acknowledgement of the beautiful gesture Hanbin had offered him – comfort through the most painful, lonely moments of his waking hours.

Then suddenly it was normal, it was just what they did. Hanbin started off in his own bed each night, slept until he woke naturally to check on Bobby, then moved to his bed and comforted him to sleep. Every night. It was like Hanbin had entered into an unspoken contract with him, promising him that he would do everything he could to help him get through those pangs of loneliness and homesickness that overcame him those first six months. He never said out loud that was what he was doing, it was all action. But it was beautiful and every day Bobby became more and plagued by feelings towards Hanbin he struggled to articulate. They were too big, to wild, too dizzying.

Then nine months into his first year at YG Bobby had stopped crying from homesickness. By that point they  had long been sharing sheets and spooning happily. So just like clockwork Hanbin had got into bed with him, half-asleep as usual, but only to realise Bobby wasn’t crying. Surprised Hanbin had run a finger over Bobby’s cheek as if to check for tears. Nothing. Bobby remembered feeling a bolt of fear that Hanbin would get out of bed then and there, breaking the carefree-bond they had developed. But Hanbin just chuckled softly through his nose and settled down to sleep.

But that was the last night they had shared a bed together until much later, once confessions had been made. Hanbin obviously believed he had completed his job – he’d gotten Bobby through the worst of the homesickness.

From then on Bobby developed a new ritual to replace the crying. He would wake a bit before Hanbin and Jinhwan and lean on his side in bed, watching the rise and fall of Hanbin’s body encased in blankets in the bunk opposite. It was druing one of those early morning rituals that he’d realised the truth of the situation, the reason why returning to Fairfax was now even less of an option. His tears hadn’t stopped because he no longer felt homesickness, rather a new emotion had possessed him that was just more powerful: he’d fallen madly, deeply, feverishly, dopily, blissfully, desperately in love with Kim Hanbin.

 

***

Bobby spoke to the American girl for about fifteen minutes whilst cameras flocked around, slightly killing the mood. It turned out she was Korean-born but had grown up in Seattle since she was five. She had been in Seoul for the past year, living with an Aunt and trying her hardest to be accepted into a label. She had been rejected from five so far and was about to give up. She missed her Mum and Dad, and especially missed her twin sister. She wanted to give up but was scared of returning with nothing after her parents had invested so much in helping her achieve her dream. Bobby listened calmly to her story before telling her a bit about his own experience of homesickness and how he'd coped with it, leaving out the best bits about Hanbin. Then he arranged with the staff to make sure she could skype her family that night.  They returned to the training room and Hanbin looked up as they arrived, giving them them both a small, shy smile.

“Welcome back. Are you ready? Great. let’s take it again from the top.”

The long day day eventually came to an end and it was time for hanbin and Bobby to leave. They would be back early the next morning, the coaching was truly like a full-time job. As they stood mostly in silence outside the training building in the blue evening glow waiting for their rides Bobby still couldn't help wondering if Hanbin had forgotten those nights he’d spent petting him to sleep. He desperately wanted to ask him but he knew that wasn't appropriate anymore. Not until they were friends and could laugh it off. He kept his curiosity to himself. 

His car arrived first and he and Hanbin exchanged a slightly distant but polite “good night see you tomorrow” – the same greeting it had been each evening all week. As his car took off Bobby couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed. He’d hoped that their shared concern over the upset trainee today would have brought them closer together but apparently not. Hanbin was still keeping his distance. He was also disappointed because it was Hanbin’s birthday tomorrow…he’d hoped they would be less awkward by now so he could be more carefree in celebrating with him. He decided not to worry, he didn’t want to get in a bad mood right now, not when he was on his way to meet a date at a nice restaurant. Hanbin was…just going to take time, that was all.

_Time heals all wounds. And I’m probs the worst wound he’s ever had. Just gotta be patient and we’ll be friends again soon._

***

“Sooooo, first week is over! Just the evaluation tomorrow!” Namyku greeted Hanbin as he swung into the car. “How was it overall?” When Hanbin didn’t reply Namkyu looked over and saw Hanbin looked completely worn out, like he’d finally let go of every tensed-up muscle in his body.  

“Not well I take it…?”

“No, it went fine. I’m just...” Hanbin didn’t even know the word to describe how he felt.  

“Something to do with Jiwon?”

“he…he…”

“Was a jerk?”

“No, that’s the thing! He was so fucking _nice_ Nam! It was insufferable.” Hanbin ranted. Namkyu laughed at Hanbin’s face all twisted and scowling with irritation. Hanbin struggled to hold back his own smile. “Stop Nam! It’s not funny Jesus Christ…” he scolded. “I can just tell he feels _sorry_ for me…it’s just so humiliating!!”

Hanbin was being over-dramatic but he was doing it on purpose. He wasn’t quite ready to admit to anyone just how hard the past week had been.

Once he’d recovered from the awful shock of Jiwon friend-zoning him his hurt pride had come into full swing. Enough was enough, he well and truly believed that, but he was frustrated because he was still trapped between two different sets of emotions. On one hand he was suddenly furious, annoyed and disgusted with himself that he’d let himself remain so attached to Jiwon for so long. For the last year and ten nine months he’d been truly pathetic and it was a bitter pill to swallow. So going into _Fast Forward_ he had decided that he wasn’t going to show Jiwon even the smallest hint of heartbreak or vulnerability, even if the strain of holding it in killed him. He just couldn’t give Jiwon another single reason to feel sorry for him…

_Absolutely no fucking no way....you can keep your stupid pity to yourself, Jiwon..._

On the other hand, despite the fact he desperately wished it wasn’t the case, he was still somehow in love with Jiwon. He wanted to snap out of it, to just stop feeling anything for him at all but it just didn't work like that. The only good change he’d noticed within himself since their talk was that the love he did still feel for Jiwon wasn’t the warm, intense desiring love he’d always felt for him. Now the love he felt for him was a conflicted, angry, hot mess of a love. It wasn’t fun or pleasant, it was tiring, and draining and made him feel like his fists were tightly clenched and he couldn’t let them go. He just wanted it to be done, but a small, deluded, stupid part of him still feared it being done.

Namkyu who had picked up Hanbin most nights after the filming could tell Hanbin was struggling. He was confident though Hanbin was getting better each and every day…if anything Namkyu was hoping that being around Bobby so much was just going to remind Hanbin why they were no longer suited to each other.

“Well cheer up baby because I have a birthday present for you. I’m supposed to save telling you till tomorrow but because you’re so grumpy right now I’ll make an exception. It’s a 90 minute deep tissue massage, at this new place, real chic, excellent staff. The waiting list is months long but I got you in for next week. Thought you might be in need of it after all this recent…”

“Pathetic heartbreak?” Hanbin’s suggested sarcastically.

“Well, yes. Exactly.”

“Thanks Nam, you're the best. Don't you want to come too though? You put up with a lot from me, you probably need a massage too.” Namkyu smiled. Hanbin always did this; the moment someone offered him something nice Hanbin tried to include them too, it was as if he was afraid of indulging himself alone. If he was making someone else happy at the same time then he could truly justify it.

“Nah, I’m good. I get regular acupuncture to cope with you.” Namkyu smiled. “Oh and by the way you have something waiting for you on your doorstep. I didn’t have time to put it inside before coming to get you but I think you’ll like it...”

“What..?” Hanbin looked at him suspiciously but his manager refused to say anything more, he just grinned sneakily. They arrived outside Hanbin’s townhouse and just before they pulled into the garage he caught a glimpse of what Namkyu was referring to. The front of the town house had a small enclosed gated garden behind a tall mesh fence. And through the fence Hanbin could just see a variety of bright blooms and flowers. He left the garage and jogged into the garden suddenly feeling very happy and light.

Sitting just next to the front door was a huge, rather odd-looking but beautiful bouquet of flowers. There were red roses, white spiky looking flowers, tiny bright blue flowers with yellow centres, and some delicate white daisies, all held together in a chic black box. Namkyu  was now next to him with a big smirk on his face.

“So pretty…are they from fans?” Hanbin stroked a red rose with the dopey smile on his face that appeared whenever fans did sweet, generous things for him. He wasn’t even concerned that they’d managed to track down his personal address.

“Well, not from fans _plural_ ,” Namkyu replied coyly, still smirking. “Just one fan. The card is there.”

Hanbin noticed a black envelope tucked into the side of the bouquet. He opened it up and nearly dropped it in surprise as one of Yeongjin’s grey business cards fell out. He shot Namkyu a nervous look then opened the card with suddenly clumsy, nervous fingers. His heart was racing.

 

_I heard you liked flower arranging so I put something together for you._

_This arrangement is all about 'meaning.' So here we have…_

_Asters for patience, because I think you must have lost my business card again (here’s another)_

_Forget-me-nots because I will be damned if you do_

_Daisies for innocence because that’s your charm_

_Roses for desire because I can’t stop thinking about you_

_Can I make myself any clearer??_

_Happy Birthday btw._

_Jang Yeongjin_

 

Hanbin read the entire thing in Yeongjin’s low, smooth, offhand voice. It sent chills down his spine and goose-bumps along his arms. Yeongjin hadn’t even addressed him by name…just“you.” It felt unbelievably intimate, as if instead of having written those words to Hanbin Yeongjin has whispered them into his ear after having spent a night with him in bed.

He read it again more slowly to take it in, his heart fluttering wildly. Had this guy really picked out these particular flowers for him? For his birthday? That meant he’d really done his research…Hanbin was shocked...it was really hitting home that this guy was keen, he meant business. Yeongin was genuinely _wooing_ him.

Hanbin looked up to see Namkyu continuing to smirk at him as if to say “I told you so." 

“So you gave him my address I’m assuming?” Hanbin asked curtly.

“Well, his agent contacted me and asked for it. So yes. He dropped them off today in person, I answered the door. He told me he was on the way to the airport so he had to give them to you early.” Hanbin just nodded and bent down to pick up the large bouquet. He needed it inside as soon as possible, he needed to hide the evidence before any of the boys came around. Namkyu took the other side and helped him place it the foyer.

“Just give the guy a call Hanbin,” Namkyu urged, straightening up and pulling down his suit.

“No,” Hanbin replied shortly and started up the stairs. He needed to shower and get ready for dinner with the boys, Dong was coming around shortly to pick him up. They were all eating at Jinhwan and Junhoe’s place because Hanbin hadn’t wanted to go out after a long day of  _Fast Forward_. Apparently Yunhyeong was cooking all his favourite foods and they had bought a cake from his favourite bakery. It was meant to be a surprise but Song Chef had accidentally blurted out everything after very little prompting during a phone call they'd had that morning.

Namkyu stared after Hanbin in disbelief. He then followed Hanbin up the stairs, calling after him like an angry mother hen. Hanbin rolled his eyes.

“No?!?! Why not?? He’s hot?? He’s talented?? He’s successful?? And he wants _you_!!”

“No, Nam, just _no_.” Hanbin tried to shut the bathroom door but Nam grabbed the handle. They wrestled for control of the door whilst grunting irritably.

“You said you wanted to move on Hanbin!”

“Yeah! I did! I said I wanted to _move on_ I didn’t say I wanted to _date_!! I don’t want to see _anyone_ right now! Jesus Christ…. _let go_ Nam, seriously!” Hanbin whined angrily. He couldn’t help laughing though when Namkyu threw him a look of profound disgust and finally relinquished his grip on the door.

“You know what? I pity you Hanbin. I really do. If it was me he liked I would be all over him by now.”

“yeah I’m sure you would Nam,” Hanbin grinned and shut the door. He turned on the shower to drown out Nakyu’s further complaints about his character, stripped and hopped into the calming soothing heat. Finally he had time to think things through...but now bobby wasn't the focus it was goddman Yeongjin. Hanbin didn't know what to do about him...it was surreal and awkward.

The truth was Yeongjin terrified Hanbin. It wasn’t just his bad boy vibe that Hanbin found unnerving, but just the fact that he seemed to be so effortlessly cool and fearless. He was the opposite of what Hanbin felt himself to be right now…heart-broken, anxious and unsure of himself.

Hanbin wasn’t unsure of his talents or abilities, those had been well-confirmed the past year with the poetry and solo albym doing well. It was more he was unsure of who he was. When Bobby had left it was like he’d left behind a huge gap within him and for ages Hanbin had ignored it, hoping Bobby would eventually come back and fill it up again. But now he wasn’t Hanbin realised he was going to have to deal with that gap another way. He needed time to himself, time to think things over, time to really deal with stuff about who he was “post-Bobby” and what he wanted from life, from relationships, from himself…

There was another reason hanbin didn’t want to go anywhere near Yeongjin but he was too afraid to admit it to anyone because he knew they would all shout him down and tell him he was being stupid. But he honestly felt Yeongjin was way out of his league. Sure, he could be cool sometimes, he wasn’t going to deny that. Being cool and having swag was a big part of his success as a rapper.…but that was a highly refined part of himself that came out in his work, performances, and public identity.

In his personal life he was…well, he was just Kim Hanbin, a dorky guy who loved history, reading love poetry, thinking about life, writing songs, going to art galleries, flower arrangement, lazy days on the couch, shopping for sneakers and acting like a total kid with the boys…

Although Yeongjin was so attractive it made his heart feel like it was leaping off a cliff just thinking about him, he was absolutely certain that after one single date Yeongjin would realise that B.I. wasn’t his complete identity, it was just _half_ his identity. And from what Yeongjin had said to him that night at the skatepark about his music and album, he got the feeling that was the part of him that Yeongjin was most interested in. The idea of disappointing someone to incredibly attractive and cool was unbearable. He refused to put himself through it. He turned off the taps in the shower with a sigh and reached for a towel.

He also hadn’t been lying when he told Namkyu he didn’t want to date anyone right now. He really didn’t, the idea of putting his recently pulverised heart into someone else’s hands seemed like suicide. Fuck that! He was going to keep his heart safely to himself and only share it again under special circumstances, aka. When it no longer hurt like fuck and didn’t threaten to break under even the slightest pressure.

How long that would take he had no idea…and when it came to matters of the heart he didn’t like being rushed. He was going to take his time and no Jang Yeongjin was going to sway him from his decision, no matter how persistent he insisted on being...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who may not have AO3 accounts - or just want to contact me for questions regarding when the the next update will be or anything else feel free to message me via on my fandom tumblr: https://whydoifeelsoold.tumblr.com/
> 
> thanks for reading xx


	6. Halfway Mark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Longanimity 
> 
> (n.) patient endurance of hardship, injuries or offense; forbearance. 
> 
>  
> 
> Cynosure
> 
> (n.) something that strongly attracts attention by its brilliance, interest etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay once again - I was sick and had a brief stay in hospital. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Schedule is now most likely going to be updates every week and a half OR every two weeks, depending on how busy I am. Thank you for your patience. xxx

It was late Saturday night and Bobby and Hanbin could have both been home resting. They were under no obligation to stay with the trainees past 6pm however both had quickly given up their early mark by choice at the beginning of the second week. There was so much to do and they both cared too much to just go home. There were too many trainees to tend to individually as well as in groups and too much choreo and musical arrangement to review. And it all took hours.

The second evaluation was tomorrow and the desperate, excited tension was palpable in the air. It had rubbed off onto Hanbin and Bobby, and they were feeling jumpy too.  They were taking the first chance they’d had since the middle of the week to prioritise which groups needed their last minute help the most desperately. All six trainee groups were pulling all-nighters and they all needed intense help but it was too late for that now. They were both seated at the desk in the office off the training rooms, the same room in which they too had pulled many desperate all-nighters. There was a large paper set out in front of them upon which were drawn six circles to represent each group and the names of the group members within each. Bobby pointed to Group 1’s bubble.

 “They’re really struggling with their choreo…but it is more to do with remembering the moves than anything…” Bobby explained.

“Ok, that is their job now, they are good to go otherwise. As for Group 2…what do you think?” Hanbin asked. Bobby groaned.

“Yeah, I agree…” Hanbin frowned. “they’re pretty screwed to be honest. They need way more help with their arrangement. “Umbrella” and “love on the brain” should never have been mixed together and we warned them about that…I’ve given them till midnight to many any last minute changes before I listen to it and give them the ok. Then it’s just a matter of them…”

“practicing to sunrise?” Bobby suggested.

“Exactly. How are group 3? I haven’t checked on them since yesterday…” As Hanbin peered over the paper on the desk writing notes and drawing arrows for reasons only he knew why, Bobby surveyed his serious looking side-profile and suddenly felt sad. Hanbin had been closed off this week, perhaps even more so than the first week. He'd been cool, calm, professional and distant. It had been disappointing. Bobby had hoped things would get better week by week...but then again he had fucked up after the first evaluation last Sunday...so he reminded himself that he deserved what he got. It would get better, it will, he reminded himself, he's just hurting but eventually he'll be ok...

He took a quick look around the small, familiar office and he felt the eerie yet nostalgic sensation of déjà vu come over him.

_Seriously? Not again, fucking déjà vu. This really needs to stop…_

Bobby had had déjà vu at least four or five times the past week so far and it was tripping him out.  Maybe he was just tired or maybe the whole trip down memory lane he was on for _Fast Forward_ was just getting to him. He realised Hanbin was staring at him questioningly and he refocused.

 “Sorry, just got distracted for a second. I’m tired,” he muttered narrowing his eyes and peering over the map of the groups. “Where were we? Oh, group 3…”

 

***

 

The first evaluation the previous Sunday had resulted in tears for many of the groups who had not performed to the best of their ability, but also hope and encouragement for those who had. As the groups had performed one by one for the judges Bobby and Hanbin had watched anxiously backstage. Bobby had barely been able to watch at times, peering through his fingers over his eyes, too afraid to see mistakes and not be able to do anything about them. In contrast Hanbin couldn’t take his eyes off the screen. Even though it was nerve-wracking he was determined to pick up on things to improve and he was more used to evaluating people than Bobby, that had been his job as leader.

After the draining and nerve-wracking evaluation Hanbin and Bobby had debriefed with the trainee groups backstage, giving them feedback and congratulations, offering words of comfort and encouragement when it was necessary. Then finally the trainees had left for dorms leaving Bobby and Hanbin to discuss how to go about preparing for the next evaluation. 

They sat in one of the large dressing rooms as a few staff floated about packing up. They started off discussing the individual groups weaknesses and strengths in their performances and then got onto the specific feedback they’d received from the judges. It had all been very business-like to begin with but the process of watching the evaluation had brought back for both of them an array of memories of their own survival show experiences. It felt only natural that they would start referring to WIN and Mix and Match, drawing comparisons between the feedback their trainees had received and the feedback they had received themselves those years ago when they’d been competing. And to deal with some of the trainee issues that had become apparent to them, poor use of stage, poor music arrangement, not enough time to practice, members being given the wrong parts, they both thought back to what they’d done themselves in those situations.

Suddenly the overly-professional awkwardness that had sat between them all the first week evaporated and as they retraced their survival days together. They walked deeper and deeper into a friendlier, more conversational tone. They even began to laugh upon remembering some particularly embarrassing moments or bad feedback they’d received.

Bobby did his best for that hour in which they’d chatted freely to hide his excited surprise. He just hadn’t expected Hanbin to be so open to soon! Yet there they were, talking again as artists both devoted to the same craft, just two guys who loved music and performing. He put it down to the emotional effect of the evaluation, it had put them both in an intensely nostalgic mood and had melted down Hanbin’s icy walls. For a happy moment or two Bobby had felt like they’d almost returned to how things were before the breakup…but then he’d had to go and screw things up. Of course.

Without thinking Bobby brought up the time Hanbin had been furious with them all after a particularly shoddy pre-elimination practice during WIN. It was for ‘Winnin’, the song they’d had to rewrite almost entirely the night before meaning none of them knew the lyrics. Hanbin had stormed out of the building when Bobby confronted him about his sulking and the whole thing had been rather dramatic.

Bobby thought it was hilarious now and laughed heartily remembering it out loud. However, to his horror Hanbin clearly did not think it was so funny and he realised he’d hit a nerve. Hanbin’s eyes glazed over and his smile suddenly became forced and tight, the way it always had when they’d fought and he’d had to put on a brave face in public. Before Bobby could apologise Hanbin stood up and explained he needed to go home, he was just really, really tired all of a sudden. They’d left the building together in silence each waiting for their own cab home.

“Oh and Happy Birthday, _again_ ,” Bobby said facetiously as Hanbin opened the cab door. He’d already said happy birthday to Hanbin that morning before the evaluation had even started. Despite their stress the trainees had arranged for a cake to be delivered to the venue just before the evaluation. All the groups had paused their practice and preparation to surprise Hanbin with a slice of cake and a rowdy rendition of happy birthday. Hanbin had smiled happily and let a particularly rambunctious rapper swipe some cake on his face, making them all laugh. Bobby had stood awkwardly to the side, all too aware that Hanbin had had a birthday dinner with the boys the previous night and he hadn’t been invited.

“Thanks, see you later,” Hanbin said shortly, closing the cab door behind him without a second glance in Bobby’s direction.

In the cab home Bobby had cursed himself for his stupid thoughtlessness for taking things too fast and bringing up something as sensitive as Hanbin’s leadership. He should have known Hanbin wouldn’t want to go there! That was too close to home! They’d broken up over Hanbin’s decisions as a leader! What the fuck had he been thinking?? He’d just undone all the friendly ease they’d just rediscovered!

But he decided to stay positive and try to regain that ease with Hanbin during the next week coming, he’d have to win his trust again bit by bit. For some reason becoming friends again with Hanbin, not superficial work friends but meaningful friends, was feeling like more  of a necessity with every day that passed. He was just going to have to work on his stupid blabber mouth, that was all…

 

***

In his own cab Hanbin had also been furious. He was furious with bobby for having the nerve to bring up something as sensitive as his past behaviour as a leader and treat it like a joke, and furious with himself for having let Bobby sweep him into that easy, amiable conversation they’d just had.

Hanbin had gone into _Fast Forward_ with his heart shattered but determined to give Bobby nothing of himself that was of any substance. He would be professional and polite but that was it. He’d already given Bobby way too much the past year and ten months so he sure as hell wasn’t going to be giving him anything more. The first week had been tough despite his determination. Bobby had been unbearably reasonable and considerate, so much so it had been humiliatingly obvious to Hanbin that he felt sorry for him. Hanbin had just forced himself to grit his teeth and bear it.

How he’d managed to do that so far was beyond him. He just put it down to being exceptionally good at forcing himself through difficult things, it was something he had learned as a survivor of two survival shows and several scandals. You got up in the morning, felt the dread, but you did it anyway, and focussed on the long-term goals. The other thing that was keeping him together was his pride. Hanbin could feel the pity radiating from Bobby a mile away but he wasn’t going to call it out, that would only be admitting there was something to pity!

But what had happened just then…well, he’d let his walls down. He hated the fact that it had been so easy to talk to Bobby about those years they’d shared together, all the lessons they’d learned, all the improvements they’d made, all the obstacles they’d overcome. It had only been one evaluation and he’d become so overwhelmed by nostalgia he’d let himself fall victim to Bobby’s easy-going charms! He’d dropped his defences and let Bobby sneak his way into his past and his feelings, and now he felt like total shit…

_You idiot. Why’d you get let him get close like that…he only wants to be friends, remember?! You’re walking off a cliff and you know it…_

Hanbin had let himself into his townhouse already knowing he wasn’t going to sleep one wink that night. Stupid Bobby had reopened the healing wound and now he was bleeding everywhere.

He lay tossing and turning in bed, fuming over Bobby’s audacity to bring up whatever he liked as if they were best buddies again already. Who did he think he was, joking about his leadership when that was the exact issue they had broken up over? It was humiliating that Bobby could treat things so lightly when they had caused him so much pain! For the first time since the breakup Hanbin wished something horrible and spiteful. He wished that for even just one second Bobby could feel the way he did right now. The heart-break mingled in with humiliation, anger and self-pity. Then he’d be sorry, oh god, he wouldn’t know what hit him….

_Try being me for a day you stupid, charming, jerk. Then it could be me who pities you…_

But then again, it also didn’t exactly surprise Hanbin that Bobby would be so thoughtless as to bring up his leadership so casually.

Once upon a time Bobby had been supportive of him as a leader. He’d always had complete utter confidence in his decisions and Hanbin had always been thankful for that. Bobby had also worried endlessly about his burdens as a leader. One year for his birthday Bobby had spoken words that had touched Hanbin’s heart and reminded him that he wasn’t alone…maybe not everyone understood why he sometimes lashed out and lost his patience, but Bobby did and that had been all that mattered.

_You are the poorest man I’ve ever met on earth. You’ve had such a hard time on your birthday for two years. No one should experience these things like you have, you say “my birthday is not important,” and work hard for our team. I feel like you are even more grown up than me. Love you and happy birthday_

But at some point, Hanbin didn’t even really know when, maybe after debut, something had changed. Bobby stopped understanding him and his worries. Bobby treated him as if he was _choosing_ stress over happiness again and again – but for Hanbin he’d never felt as a leader he’d even had the luxury to make that choice. He just did what had to be done because if he didn’t do it no one would!

From day one he’d been the lead dancer, the lead song-writer, the lead song-arranger, and the lead-choreographer. The boys had eventually caught up to him in some of those areas, especially dance and choreo…and they were working hard every day to become better songwriters themselves and take a bigger role in song arrangement…but still most of the hard work fell to him and while he loved it…it involved stress! It was an inevitable part of the process and Bobby just didn’t get that.

Bobby had never been forced into a leadership role in his entire life and he had no personal desire for a role like that either. It had been agreed upon by the whole group in the world’s shortest meeting ever that in any situation in which Hanbin couldn’t be leader it would be Jinhwan who’d take over. While Bobby had always had sincere concern for the welfare of all the boys he’d never had to take on responsibility for what they did as a group overall. Bobby was the king of chill. He liked to keep things simple and to go with the flow. In Hanbin’s mind It was like after debuting Bobby no longer understood why he’d still get worried and flip out from time to time, as if all that should have been left behind in the pre-debut days…did he get that they still have to keep working their asses off even though they’d technically made it?

Hanbin had to see problems before they arose, notice and fix the details when no one else wanted to, and even be the bad guy who cracked the whip when they were failing to meet the desired standard. That was what being a leader was about! It was his job to make sure they never settled or got too comfortable! And if he didn’t do his job right they would all cop it and not just from YG, but from everyone – the public, the fans, other artists, YG family members…And who would inevitably be held responsible for their failings?? It would be him, the leader, because he should have known better. Bobby’s old, dismissive words came hurtling at him in the darkness, making him angrier and angrier.

_Don’t worry…it will be fine…._

_Just calm down…stop sulking…._

_Why are you being so dramatic…just stop obsessing_

_You’re obsessing again…take a break_

Nope, Bobby just didn’t get what being a leader was like. Therefore on when he rocked up to work the next morning he was going to bring with him a whole new level of steel-strong determination to keep Bobby at a distance. No matter how much time they spent together, no matter how much they needed to rely on each other, no matter how much they helped each other, he was going to keep every real, genuine feeling of his own to himself. He would put on a polite, professional front, but that was all it would be - a façade. He was determined to keep Bobby shut out. He couldn’t afford to let him in again like he did tonight. It hurt too much and sent him into a spiral of angry rumination.

Bobby liked to think he knew what being a leader felt like but, in Hanbin’s mind, if he truly understood he would never have broken up with him for the decision he’d made one year and ten months ago…

***

For the first week after the breakup Hanbin lay in bed in a state of shock. The scandal, worrying about his dad, the humiliating meeting with the board directors and YG, the decision he’d been forced to make, the guilt he was feeling towards the boys, and the fight with Bobby had all been too much. He’d been sent home by YG for a week to keep a low profile until the worst of the character attacks had passed. At first he’d been relieved to be able to go home and just be with his mother and sister, and father when he was home and not out trying ‘sort things out.’ He didn’t dare tell his parents though about the breakup…they had enough on their minds and felt so much regret for him already.  

However, by Friday he was totally numb. With nothing to do or distract himself with he had withdrawn into himself and worried over everything to the point of exhaustion. He’d broken down early in the morning, wandering into the kitchen crying and startling his mother who was busy getting Hanbyul ready for school.

“Darling!” She had pulled him into her arms and he had cried onto her shoulder. “What are these tears for? Everything will be alright, your father is working hard to sort everything out.” From the corner of his eye he saw a bewildered looking Hanbyul all dressed and ready for school with her backpack on. He was sorry she had to see this.

“Mum, we broke up.” He said softly. She froze for a second then nodded knowingly.

“I knew something had happened between you two. I could sense it. I’ll be back soon darling.”

After dropping off Hanbyul and returning home his mother had entered his room with a large bowl of snacks, plonked it down on his bed between them and asked him what movie he wanted to watch. They stayed there all day watching movie after movie, trying to keep him from overthinking. She had wanted to know about the breakup but he didn’t want to talk about it, he just wanted her to know it had happened. She also cooked him egg rolls, laughed along at the funny parts in the films they watched and kissed the top of his head when the waves of sadness hit him.

That afternoon Hanbin had wanted to go with his mum to pick up Hanbyul, he was desperate to leave the house but his mum wouldn’t let him. He was literally under house arrest. 

“No darling, listen to YG. He told you to inside for a week. It’s only been five days.”

By the time his mum and sister had returned Hanbin had given up trying to watch the rest of the film by himself. The moment he was alone in the house everything seemed pointless and he rolled back into bed to nurse his aching heart. His bedroom door creaked open and he raised his head to see Hanbyul standing by the door looking wary. The sight of her instantly cheered him up.

“Come in, Byul,” Hanbin smiled and she smiled back cheekily. She ran into the room and leapt on top of him. They laughed as he tried to fend off her tickling. She rolled off him and lay down next to him on the bed, fiddling with his hands. It was fascinating for Hanbin to see in his little sister his own peculiar habits….fiddling with things especially hands, ripping things up into little pieces, a love for pranks and jokes, even similar taste in food….

“What did you do today?” he asked.

“More than you did,” she teased. Hanbin chuckled. Well she wasn’t wrong…

“I meant at school, you goblin,” Hanbin smiled tapping her nose with his finger which she tried to bite. They wrestled and giggled for a moment as she tried to find his finger which he’d hidden for protection under the covers. Giving up she patted each of his cheeks instead with her small, soft hands.

 “I want to know something.” She demanded abruptly as if now they were getting down to business. “Why are you just lying in bed all day? You’ve done it this whole week. Mum won’t tell me why, she said that only you could tell me and that I shouldn’t ask yet - but I want to know!” Hanbyul complained with a pout. She obviously felt left out and there was nothing she hated more than being excluded. Hanbyul liked to think she was mature enough to know everything about anything.

 “Did she really say that?” Hanbin asked sadly.

 “Yes! So I wanna know why you’re being so sad and lazy.” She was scowled but continued to pat his cheeks lovingly all the same. The fact she was so determined to know why he was upset made him love her so much, he didn’t want to lie to her.

“Well if you really want to know…” She nodded fervently and Hanbin continued, “I’m sad because Bobby and I had a fight.” That wasn’t all of it but there was no way he or his Mum would be telling her about the scandal involving their Dad. Not for another few years at least. They had to draw the line somewhere.

Hanbyul looked surprised. She loved Bobby and Bobby loved her. Bobby had a way of bonding effortlessly with kids. Hanbin had a few theories as to why. Firstly he guessed it was because they could sense that Bobby didn’t like rules either and that he just lived for having fun. Secondly, there was something very unpretentious about Bobby, he was just as natural, instinctive and unaffected as a child, so he was just like one of them. So as to be expected he had charmed Hanbyul without a hint of trouble.

Whenever Bobby had come over with Hanbin to visit his family Hanbyul always started off shy with him and only seemed to have eyes for Hanbin who she worshipped. But as the time went on she always warmed up to Bobby to the extent she would show him her favourite toys, include him in her games with her precious dolls and even sit on his lap to show him her books. Hanbin would always end up sitting on the sidelines watching with a combination of envy and adoration for the way Bobby bonded with his little sister. Hanbin’s mother even told him that once upon coming home from school Hanbyul had calmly informed her that she was going to marry Bobby when she was “grown up.” Bobby had loved that. Hanbin had been less impressed.

 He’d also loved the many drawing and paintings she had gifted him over the years as tokens of her love. She did art for all the boys but the one’s she did for Bobby were extra special. Bobby and Hanbin’s favourite piece by Hanbyul had been a drawing that depicted Hanbin and Bobby being married at a church. It was a sweet idea but the execution had made it even more endearing. Because Hanbyul was under the impression that someone _had_ to wear a dress to a wedding, but couldn’t imagine her own brother wearing one, the dress had gone to Bobby.

“Why is Bobby wearing a dress??” Hanbin had asked his sister trying to suppress his fits of laughter. She had turned to him with an impatient look on her face as if she was tired of answering all his foolish questions.

“Because it’s not a wedding if there is no _dress_ , silly! That’s the rule, go ask mum!” She had turned back to her colouring in table shaking her head. “If you want the dress I will draw you another one, aish!”

In the drawing Bobby had sharp teeth like a fox, a wild mess of hair, a huge white ballgown with a fluffy skirt, a tiara and elbow length gloves. A gangly, confused looking Hanbin with a large nose and wearing suit stood next to him at the aisle while Hanbin’s parents, Hanbyul’s best friend from school and Hanbyul herself had sat on chairs on the side. Bobby had laughed so hard he’d cried when Hanbin had first shown him the drawing but then he’d put it away for safe keeping, taking it out every now and again when he needed a good laugh and a reminder that Hanbin’s family approved of him.

Hanbin wondered what would happen to that drawing now and pain pierced through his chest.

“What did you fight about?” Hanbyul asked.

“Well he was angry because I had to make a hard decision…and he didn’t agree with what I decided to do. And now he is really angry and upset with me.” Hanbin realised he was crying but before he could do anything about it hanbyul started smoothing the tears away over his cheeks. She was frowning seriously.

“Don’t cry. You love each other and you’re going to get married when you’re more grown up.” Hanbin laughed thickly, tears still loosely rolling down his cheeks. That had been a dream once…it really had.

“Just say you’re sorry and then he will forgive you.” Hanbyul scolded him as if it was obvious and Hanbin couldn’t help smiling at her innocence. If only life really was as easy as she assumed it was.

“But what if I didn’t do anything wrong? What if I believe I made the right decision?” Hanbyul up her nose and mouth thoughtfully whilst pondering his ethical dilemma.

“Hmmmm…say sorry anyway. Mummy makes me say sorry all the time, even when I don’t mean it…” Hanbyul admitted grudgingly. Hanbin laughed and grabbed her tight, kissing her cheeks.

“You’re so wise Byul, did you know that?” She giggled, glad that she’d made her brother laugh. She hadn’t seen him laugh for a whole week and usually when they were together they couldn’t stop being silly. She found it strange and she wanted him to go back to normal. She had something to tell him though that she was sure would make him smile even more. She couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Yes! I do know that! I am the smartest and wisest in my class and that’s why they chose me to be class captain!” Hanbin’s eyes widened and Hanbyul beamed. She scrambled off the bed and raced to get her schoolbag to retrieve something inside. She returned to Hanbin’s room and knelt on the bed next to him, presenting a small red velvet box on her upturned palms.

“Byul! What’s this!”

“Open it!” Hanbin lifted the lid and inside lay a beautiful brooch that said ‘Class Captain’ in gold letters.

“Wow, Byul…you’re class captain!” Hanbin murmured in awe. He helped her pin it on, realising with a surge of love in his chest that she must have been dying to tell him ever since she got home from school but that she had waited to ask him what was wrong first. She was so perfect he couldn’t believe she existed sometimes. She pranced around in front of the wardrobe mirrors admiring how the brooch looked on her school uniform lapel, trying out poses she had obviously picked up from TWICE music videos.

As Hanbin watched his little sister enjoy her success of the day he couldn’t help feeling a protective fear come over him. They both fiddled with things especially hands, ripped things up into little pieces, loved pranks and jokes, and had similar taste in food…did this badge mean she was also destined to be a leader?

_You have no idea how hard it is Byul…no one does…please, please be careful…_

A new rush of tears came over him at the thought of her ever going through the what he was in that very moment. He never wanted her to feel this way. Byul leapt onto the bed again and held him tight.

“Are you crying now because you’re happy I’m class captain?” She asked with her velvety cheek pressed firmly to his. All he could do was nod.

 

***

 

“…Group 3 needs help with their dance routine,” Bobby continued. “They just can’t get it right and I think it must be my fault, no idea what I’m doing wrong though…”

“Ok, want me to have a look?” Hanbin offered. For the first week everything Hanbin had said had sounded like a question or a suggestion. But now everything he said was business-like and to the point. It forced Bobby to speak the same way even though it felt unnatural. 

Bobby nodded. He’d been working with group 3 all that Saturday afternoon but they hadn’t made much progress and he was stumped as to why. Group 3 was one of the stronger teams and had been rapping and singing perfectly however they were struggling to get their moves right. Maybe he just wasn’t explaining or demonstrating it properly…he honestly didn’t even know anymore but he was worried about them. He wanted to be more open with Hanbin and tell him how grateful he was that he was stepping in and helping where he struggled, with dance in particular, but Hanbin just didn't seem to have time for that. He'd had an invisible layer of barbed wire wrapped around him the whole week that had passed and Bobby didn't want to get pricked. The last thing he wanted was for Hanbin to snap... 

They finished prioritising the rest of the groups on their map and then headed over to the room in which Group 3 were practicing. It was already 7pm. When Bobby and Hanbin walked in they found four out of five trainees slumped defeatedly on the floor. Only one trainee was still jumping about the room desperately trying to get the moves right. They stood up immediately surprised by their coach’s entry but Bobby raised his hands and waved them to tell them to not to worry. He empathised with their exhaustion completely.

“Ok guys, we need to show Hanbin the first half of the routine. He’s going to help us get it right.” He gave them a reassuring wink.

“So what’s the track?” Hanbin asked in a business-like tone, both admiring and resenting Bobby’s ability to put the trainees at ease despite the enormous pressure they were under. He personally noticed most of the trainees were still wary of him even if it was clear they respected him. He had quite a reputation from his survival show days, that was for sure.

“Frontin’ by Pharrell” one of the trainees replied, looking at him glumly from over the top of her knees hugged to her chest. 

“Ok…I think I remember some of the choreo, I saw it a few days ago. But show me again from the top – Bobby can you dance with them? That might be best.” Hanbin took a seat on the floor as Bobby and the trainees got into position.

As Bobby and the trainees danced to the song Hanbin looked on and realised quickly what was happening. The trainees were trying to copy Bobby’s own unique swaggering style rather than master the moves in their simplest form first. He watched to the end, hating the way Bobby’s dancing made him feel. How dare he be so carefree and here he was, sitting on the floor, pretending not to care but actually wanting to kick down a door! He pulled himself together and focussed on the dance moves themselves, memorising them quickly.

 “So, what are we fucking up?” Bobby panted after the routine finished.

“I think I know…I think you are all trying to copy Bobby…and that isn’t meshing well with your individual styles. Just keep it simple. Get the moves right and then add in extra character later.” He then turned to Bobby who’d returned to his side, “You’re adding too much groove to your moves because you’re feeling the song. It’s confusing them. They don’t know how to differentiate between your interpretation and the actual moves of the routine.  Here, how about I lead?” Bobby gestured for him to go right ahead. The trainees seemed more hopeful now and despite their exhaustion they were desperate for Hanbin to set their routine straight. They all got into position looking extra determined now they were dancing with Hanbin.

As Hanbin began to lead the trainees, talking them through each move Bobby couldn’t help noticing with disbelief and awe just how quickly and accurately Hanbin had mastered the moves. He guessed Hanbin had only seen it in once before this but he guided the trainees through it effortlessly and clearly. It was as if he had come up with the choreography himself.

 _You’ve always been like that, you weirdo_ , Bobby mused. Then out of the blue it struck again. The déjà vu. Bobby shook his head violently, trying to ward it off, but there was something about the sight of Hanbin’s lithe form dancing against the background of the training room that made Bobby recall a distinctive moment from their trainee days...or what Bobby privately remembered as the agonising days of the “mixed signals.”

 

***

 

Bobby would never forget that day Hanbin had left him the note. It was near the end of their first bittersweet year together as trainees. They had just finished a dance lesson and Hanbin had run off for the extra class he insisted on taking despite the fact he was one of the best dancers in their cohort already. Bobby had been amongst the trainees who getting ready more slowly. They were all reluctant to leave the training rooms to face the wintery journey back to the dorms, it had been blizzard-like weather all week.

Bobby pulled on his coat and slipped his hands into his pockets, feeling in one of them something unexpected. He pulled it out – it was a handwritten note on paper that had been folded up tightly. His stomach flipped with excitement because he knew without a doubt who’d put it there for him. He put it back in his pocket quickly and waited until he was on his bed and completely alone to read it.

_“come to the training room at 9pm I want to show you something”_

Bobby let out a hysterical squeal and began joyfully kicking his legs up and down on the bed so hard he shook the whole bunk. After the outburst of excitement, he calmed down but he still couldn’t stop grinning.

Leaving him a secret note was such an odd thing for Hanbin to do considering they had each other’s mobile phone numbers, shared a dorm apartment, and spent three quarters of the day together. But that had been the kind of thing Hanbin had doing more and more of lately, the sentimental and symbolic…

It had been going on for months and months now. There had been the lingering looks they’d shared across the room that always caught them by surprise. Hanbin would always be the first to quickly look away. There was the way Hanbin’s face lit up whenever Bobby walked into the room, the way he didn’t even try to hide it. There was the way Hanbin would make an excuse to stand up to fetch something so that when he sat back down it could be next to Bobby. There was the way Hanbin waited for him after class so they could walk together to the next one. There was the way he caught Hanbin looking for him when he noticed he wasn’t around. There was the way Hanbin always seemed to direct his most important comments or funniest jokes to him first and wait for his reaction before addressing the rest of the group. Those were the moments that gave him hope and set his heart racing. Maybe he wasn’t imagining things…maybe Hanbin wanted him too??

But Bobby didn’t just _want_ Hanbin. He was in _love_ with him. He knew this because falling for Hanbin had felt completely different from all his previous crushes. They had all been slight itches he’d wanted to scratch and usually they had passed without too much suffering. But when it came to how he felt about Hanbin…there was no comparison.

There were so many things he loved about Hanbin that he often mused he’d need at least a whole album of songs to cover the topic. Maybe more, an anthology. There were the big things, like his unshakeable confidence, his inexhaustible drive for perfection, his willingness to push and challenge himself without the hesitation that came with fear of failure; His infectious passion for music, for rap and hip hop, for performance; his loved his wit and comic timing, his intelligence and general knowledge; the way he so easily moved between his dongsaengs and hyungs as if they were all equals; the way he wasn’t afraid to disagree with other’s opinions even his elders, but also how he never rejected constructive criticism knowing he still had more to learn. 

Then there were the small things. The clumsy way he pulled a t-shirt over his head, the way he insisted on singing Bang Bang Bang terribly in the shower, the way his face lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about, the adorable way he got into bed at night and created a doona cocoon because he was forever cold, the way he made fun of both himself and others with the same cheeky but affectionate irony, the way his cheeks looked when he stuffed too much food in his mouth, the gentle way he held his phone, his big goofy smile, his smart-arse comments, his hair, hands, chest, shoulders, neck, eyes, lips, ears, nose, tummy.

But most of all Bobby loved the very essence of Hanbin, that little fraction of DNA or soul or whatever it was, that made him Hanbin and not anyone else. You could take his skills, his physical features, his interests and hobbies, even his life goals, and put them in another person but it still wouldn’t be the same…because it wouldn’t be Hanbin. He just loved _him_ , he was impossibly special and unique.

…But Bobby also knew very well that not everything was sentimental and symbolic…those were just the good bits. Most of the time, Bobby acknowledged staring grimly at the underside of the bunk above him, things were just downright fuckin’ confusing – and he had no idea what to do about it.

Sometimes out of the blue Hanbin could be moody and flighty. Sometimes he was distant after they’d had a particularly intense few days of hanging out and enjoying the chemistry between them. Time and time again Hanbin would come breath-takingly close but then dart away again as if spooked. He was stealing his heart guerrilla-style but Bobby didn’t know whether that was a deliberate teasing strategy or if he was just completely clueless. Regardless of the reason it absolutely killed him.

There were days when Hanbin was indifferent and distracted, acting as if Bobby was just like any of his many friends at YG, not someone special to him. And some days, the worst days of all, for no identifiable reason Hanbin seemed to have lost all interest in him and spent the day stuck to Jinhwan’s side, threading their fingers together wherever they went and joking and smiling with him non-stop.

Bobby loved clinging to and pestering Jinhwan as well, he loved the guy, but he could barely conceal his jealousy and pain whenever Hanbin chose someone over him, especially someone he was close to himself. It was complete utter agony swinging between their silent but sweet intimacy and the indifferent distance Hanbin could put between them in a matter of seconds.

But Bobby was as proud as he was jealous and he knew with a guy like Hanbin that you couldn’t appear desperate, that would only push him away more. Hanbin needed someone with character, someone who could stand on their own two feet and hold their own, someone who could handle anything, even his wildest moods and ambitions…

So, when those moments or days struck, Bobby kept his heartache to himself and waited for Hanbin to return to him _._ Sometimes it took a while…but he always did eventually and Bobby would once again be filled with hope.

That pattern had been going on for so long that the secret note Bobby had just found in his pocket had pushed him over the edge. To him it signified some kind of change, that he and Hanbin were heading in a new direction. He felt feverish with anticipation and his hands wandered over his body thinking about Hanbin, imagining what it would be like to touch him and more. Eventually he snapped himself out of his agitated state and stood before the mirrored sliding doors of the wardrobe. He stared at himself fiercely and gave himself a pep talk.

“Get your shit together, Bobby. Be cool. None of this desperate shit. Gotta be cool man, don’t blow this.”

Bobby was trying to hold on to a shred of realism. After all, the worst case scenario was that Hanbin was just a random guy who did random things and they meant nothing. But he was also obsessively, helplessly reading into the note clenched in his hand like a giddy schoolgirl, and he was in too deep to really care.

It took forever for 9pm to arrive and Bobby arrived at the training room early. He was just taking off his many winter layers when in walked Hanbin. Bobby stared and Hanbin grinned at him.

“I know, I look different right?”

Hanbin really was looking different. Unexpectedly _good_ different. Gone was his snapback, hoodie, shorts and sneakers. He was wearing black skinny jeans that emphasised his slender hips, a white shirt, leather jacket and black converse. Even his hair was parted and slicked back. He looked ridiculously pretty and sort of preppy, like a pop star or ballad singer.

“Yeah heaps different, you look like you’re from SM,” Bobby murmured. Hanbin grinned.

“Still cute though, right?”

“Yeah…of course,” Bobby replied dumbfounded. 

“It’s for a reason though. I asked Jaewook for some extra dance homework…” Hanbin explained.

_…Of course you did you fuckin’ amazing workaholic weirdo…_

_“_ …and he suggested I give hip hop a rest, try something different. Jae picked this pop song and told me to put together a choreo. And well I decided to dress up to really get into character.” Hanbin grinned at Bobby who was still taking in Hanbin’s fresh new appearance.

“and…?” Bobby asked realising Hanbin was waiting for him to stop staring and say something.

“ _And_ I want your feedback.” Hanbin headed over to the sound system to start the music.

Bobby nodded calmly and settled down on the floor cross-legged to get comfortable. Internally he was screaming. Hanbin wanted _his_ feedback? His feedback _alone_? It was too good to be true, Hanbin requesting him personally as a private audience? This was the shit his hottest dreams were made of.

The opening snare and whistle of Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” began as Hanbin took his place in the middle of the room and Bobby’s heart began to race uncomfortably fast. He already knew from Hanbin’s sexy stance that this routine was going to be hard to sit through…he was anxious his body would start doing inappropriate things…

Bobby watched transfixed as Hanbin danced with his classic flawless execution. His moves were sharp, sexy and confident and his facial expressions were cheeky and charismatic. He was definitely completely in character, playing a suave yet sensitive guy who revealed in his moves a great deal of desire for someone. Bobby found it hard to believe that the Hanbin before him killing this dance routine was the same one who ran away from him the moment he got too close. How the fuck did that work?

It was over too soon. Hanbin finished the dance, hit pause on the sound system and turned to face Bobby, still just catching his breath. Bobby closed his mouth that had been hanging open for the entire duration.

“So, did you like it?” Hanbin asked with a meaningful look in his eyes that told Bobby he already had a desired answer in mind.

“It was good,” Bobby replied casually. Hanbin smirked and crossed his arms.

“That isn’t what I asked. I know it was _good_ , I asked if you _liked_ it.”

Bobby’s heart felt like it had made its way to his throat and was trying to strangle him there with its ferocious thuds. Why was Hanbin pushing him like this? What was he trying to do? He reminded himself to keep cool and shook his head. Hanbin’s smug smile was replaced by a look of confusion.

“You didn’t like it? Was it boring?” Hanbin asked. Bobby shook his head as if to say “nope.”

“Cliché?” Nope.

“Awkward?” Nope.

“The moves didn’t match the song?” Nope.

Hanbin stared at him bewildered and slightly irritated. Bobby could see he was getting worked up and it wasn’t because he didn’t like criticism. If anything Hanbin was a slave to feedback and desired it far more than compliments - Hanbin always argued flattery never helped you become better, it just told you that you no longer had to try. But if there was anything Hanbin really did hate it was blindspots – not being able to identify his own obvious mistakes before someone else did.

“So you want to explain what was wrong with it then?” Hanbin asked sharply with a hint of his hurt pride showing through. Bobby shrugged.

“Well it wasn’t boring, not one bit.  And it wasn’t cliché, I liked the interpretation. Also the moves fit the story perfectly. But….”

“But what?”

“…but it wasn’t _you._ It was like you were pretending to be someone else, like a member of EXO, rather than being yourself and just showing a different side…” Hanbin stared at him taking in his words. There was something Bobby wanted to add, it was on the tip of his tongue but he wasn’t sure if it was too much…

_Don’t be a chicken, say it. If he runs, he runs. You can’t help that._

“…I missed the _you_ in it, coz that’s the best part of anything you do.”

Hanbin’s serious expression melted slowly into a lopsided smile. Bobby didn’t know if he was imagining things but Hanbin’s cheeks seemed to be pinker than normal. Maybe he was still hot from the dance.

“Ok…thanks for the feedback. I’ll keep that in mind before swapping labels to SM,” Hanbin joked and Bobby laughed. They stared at each other smiling until Hanbin remembered himself.

“Got to go now and show Jaewook. Wish me luck!” Hanbin called to Bobby as he headed for the door.

“You don’t need “good luck,” you show-off!”

“yeah, I know.” Hanbin laughed, disappearing out the door. 

Bobby waited for the sound of Hanbin’s jogging to completely disappear then finally he let go of himself. He let out a loud groan and dropped to the floor, covering his face with his hands. He was in way too deep, he was going crazy, he was going to lose his mind any day now. It wasn’t the stress of being a homesick, uncoordinated YG trainee that was getting to him now. It was Hanbin and his stupid sexy, awkward, wonderfulness.

He finally picked himself up from the ground and started pulling on his jumper and jacket. It was time to head back to the dorms. Sure, it was the middle of winter but he was going to need one hell of a long cold shower.

 

***

 

“Ok, I think they’re good to go. What do you think?”

Bobby jolted out of his reverie and looked up at Hanbin. His mind had been elsewhere but he had still managed to watch the trainees closely as they danced. Bobby agreed with Hanbin, the trainees were finally getting the dance right and Hanbin had really helped them in a way he had struggled to.

_Thank God for Hanbin...Shame he's being so cold though._

Bobby would have liked to have slapped Hanbin on the back and told him what a great job he was doing. But that would have been like trying to tickle a lion. Hanbin regarded him coolly and he found some vague, generic things to say instead. 

“Yeah, they’re good. As good as they can be. Let’s go check out Group 4.”

Bobby and Hanbin left the training room wishing the trainees good luck and made their way down the corridor in the cool but professional silence that epitomised their whole week that had just about passed. It was 8pm and they still had another 5 groups to deal with. It was going to be a long night.

 

***

 

“Ready to relax?” Namkyu asked as he pulled up to the curb. He looked over at Hanbin who was in his usual slumped position in the passenger seat. Hanbin barely turned to look at his manager, he just shot him a weary side-eye.

“Yes, I’m this show is exhausting.” Hanbin rubbed his eyes, feeling like he had just reached his one hundredth birthday instead of his twenty-third. He had just sat through another nerve-wracking evaluation and another debrief with Bobby – this time he’d kept it short and to the point. No nostalgic reminiscing. None of that shit. Just business, that’s all Jiwon would get from him. But there was the last evaluation to worry about, the elimination round. Bobby and he were going to have to work on two epic ten minute stages containing fifteen trainees each. It was ridiculous.

“Well it’s all going be over soon, you’re halfway!” Namkyu reminded him. “And right now all you have to do is enjoy a massage and enjoy the rest of your Sunday off. Go on now, just through those doors.”

Hanbin looked out the window quickly taking in a large modern building. It didn’t look like the usual massage place but was too tired to give it anymore thought. He got out of the car, said goodbye to Nam and walked up the main pathway to the entrance.

He was too lost in his own thoughts to properly notice the two guys holding skateboards walking up ahead of him. He shuffled along knowing already he was going to fall asleep the minute he hit the massage table. One of the guys held open the door for him and Hanbin wasn’t that surprised when the guy gave him a strange look when he caught the door – after all that’s what happened to him all the time. Hanbin turned around from shutting the door behind him and suddenly he was very disoriented. Where the hell was he?

It wasn’t a Remedial Massage Centre. It was a fucking indoor skatepark. Looking out across the vast space all he saw was another huge concrete jungle of stairs, railings, concrete slabs, and jumps. About a twenty or so skaters were at various points around the site, trying out tricks, hurtling down railings or just watching their friends. His stomach dropped with sickening speed.

Just as it hit Hanbin that Namkyu had tricked him and that he had to get out of there as fast as possible he heard his name echo loudly throughout the entire building.      

“Hanbin?!” He jumped and spun around as if caught red-handed.

There was Yeongjin, staring at him in disbelief from across the other side of the park. Everyone in the whole venue seemed to turn and look at Yeongjin and then follow his gaze over to Hanbin. All eyes were on him and he couldn’t just turn and run. He was trapped. Hanbin felt every atom in his body shrivel up and die in mortification. He began mentally cursing Namkyu and his betrayal. This had to be the worst scenario. Ever _._

_…NAM! HOW COULD YOU…?!_

Yeongjin skated over to Hanbin as his feet stuck fast to the ground. All he could do was brace himself for whatever happened next. Yeongjin pulled up before him and it was like Hanbin was seeing him for the first time all over again. The last time he’d seen Yeongjin had been their awkward run in at the hotel after dinner with Namkyu. They’d caught the same elevator and that surprisingly, claustrophobic meeting had left Hanbin with a detailed mental snapshot of Yeongjin’s bare chest. Since _Fast Forward_ and everything that had happened with Bobby it seemed like a lifetime ago.

Hanbin had forgotten just how insanely cool Yeongjin looked. He was wearing shorts, a simple black t-shirt, a beanie and vans. There were still plenty of tattoos on show, the sinister skull on his throat, tangled flowers, the moth and butterfly, symbols and intricate patterns, bizarre and explicit quotes, a gun, and even some pop art. He stood before Hanbin with a huge surprised grin on his face, his prominent teeth flashing. He wasn’t handsome, or beautiful or pretty. He didn’t even have any adorable cuteness about him. But somehow he was still impossibly attractive in a totally alien, unconventional way. Hanbin was bewildered and desperately hoping it wasn’t showing on his face.

Yeongjin brushed his damp fringe out of his eyes and scooped up his board.

“Why didn’t you let me know you were coming around today?” Yeongjin asked Hanbin, sounding slightly annoyed but not looking it at all. “I mean you should have plenty of my business cards by now, you could have called me?” He smiled provocatively with his eyebrows raised questioningly. Hanbin felt hopelessly weak and incredibly alive at the same time.

“Sorry, I didn’t have time, it was spur on the moment kinda thing…I was just passing by…” Hanbin replied speaking faster than normal and unable to take his eyes away from Yeongjin’s face.

“That reminds me, how’d you like your birthday gift?”

Hanbin’s stomach flipped at Yeongjin’s directness. Why couldn’t Yeongjin just let him breathe?? For just a minute??

“Yeah I did! Thank you…It was really beautiful.”

“Beautiful?” Yeongjin repeated sounding doubtful. He shook his head and smirked. “No they weren’t. It was the weirdest, ugliest bouquet in the world – aside from the Roses maybe. I was hoping you’d tell me you thought the meaning behind them beautiful though?” He bit his bottom lip as he smiled in a way that took Hanbin’s racing heart beat up yet another notch and all he could do was stand there gaping, trying to find a way to change the topic. Hanbin needed them to get away from messages about patience and love and desire and all that as fast as possible. Once it became apparent that Hanbin literally had nothing more to say Yeongjin just shook his head with a smirk and gestured for Hanbin to follow him.

 “Come on then,” he hopped back on his skateboard, cruising at just the right pace for Hanbin to walk self-consciously beside him. Hanbin had gone into robot mode. He was just doing what he was told at this point in time because he had no idea in hell how to handle the situation he’d just found himself in. There was no going under it or over it, he was going to have to go through it.

Yeongjin led him over to a set of steps upon which a bunch of girls and guys sprawled. Hanbin recognised one or two of the faces from the club that night he’d first met Yeongjin, they must be his friends. He noticed three of them exchange knowing looks and smiles and he wanted to die from embarrassment. Then to make matters worse it appeared Yeongjin was going to introduce him to them all.

“Yeah, you all know how this is. Give him heaps of shit.” Yeongjin winked at Hanbin and gestured for him to sit down next to a plump guy who had a fair few tattoos of his own. “Take care of him Teddy, don’t let anyone touch him or mob him. He’s more famous than me.”

Teddy bowed gruffly and shook Hanbin’s hand. He didn’t smile but he just like Yeongjin he had an ironic glint in his eyes. Hanbin sat down thankful that Yeongjin hadn’t subjected him to any further awkward introductions. He grabbed his knee caps trying to stop them from knocking.

“You just caught me warming up,” Yeongjin told Hanbin, “then the game will begin,” He slipped his board down under his feet and took off. .  

“We’re just waiting for Wheezy to turn up.” Teddy informed him in a gravelly voice. Hanbin nodded feeling a bit like a child. He knew next to nothing about skateboarding or the people in the scene but here he was, accidentally in the thick of it all. He imagined the boys seeing him sitting here looking like an awkward penguin and thanked his lucky stars that they weren’t going to, _ever_.

However, watching Yeongjin skate was a powerful antidote to his awkwardness. Watching him cruise about, fly over massive jumps, leap down flights of stairs, and take on massive curbs was an out of body experience for Hanbin. He became so absorbed in seeing Yeongjin defy gravity that he almost forgot who and where he was. Yeongjin just looked so free and fearless, so completely absorbed and in love with what he was doing. Hanbin felt an uncomfortable sensation gnaw at his stomach like a warning…

_Ok he’s cool, he’s really cool…and kinda hot, but that’s ok because there isn’t a single person on this planet who wouldn’t find him hot…right?_

Yeongjin returned to where Hanbin and his crew sat. Hanbin was amazed and Yeongjin’s crew gave him a plenty of compliments disguised as sarcasm. Yeongjin ignored them and turned to Hanbin.

“Bored yet?” Before Hanbin could reply Yeongjin had pulled his black t-shirt up and over his head. His friends started whistling and making crude comments but Yeongjin didn’t seem to hear them and continued to casually wipe his damp face and chest with the shirt.

Hanbin did the best he could to ignore the teasing as well but seeing Yeongjin’s bare upper body again was making his cheeks feel incredibly warm. Yeongjin had a similar build to him, slender, lithe but athletic. However, he was slightly taller and it appeared to Hanbin that he had a much more ferocious work out regime. His body was tightly muscled and because it was covered in tattoos it gave him the look of a powerful lizard covered in brightly coloured scales. Now Hanbin also couldn’t help noticing the bruises and scars. He didn’t know why but the sight of them sent an unexpected jolt of desire through his body. The warning sensation in his stomach intensified.

 “N-no not at all! It’s really stunning.”

“stunning,” Teddy chuckled. Hanbin smiled bashfully regretting his word choice but Yeongjin was unfazed. He just smiled and skated away again. Hanbin noticed that he had a huge black crow tattoo on his back, it stretched out across his shoulder blades like a phantom. He watched Yeongjin wander into what looked like a small office room and fiddle around with something for a moment. The whole venue began to boom with music and he realised the song playing was the first track from his self-titled album, _B.I._ Fortunately Yeongin’s crew didn’t seem to find that particularly interesting. Only Teddy responded.

“He’s being a total wanker because you’re here,” Teddy muttered to Hanbin who was blushing like mad. He couldn’t believe it, Yeongjin had said he liked his album but the fact he was playing it right here and now was totally surreal. He was beyond chuffed.  

Wheezy arrived shortly after, greeting Yeongjin warmly. Teddy stood up and stated the rules of the game as Hanbin listened on with no clue what was happening. He looked at Wheezy standing next to Yeongjin and couldn’t believe the difference. Wheezy was a short guy who looked like a typical nerd. Yeongjin looked like a Dazed magazine model.  

There was a coin toss, Yeongjin won and went first. Hanbin watched on as Yeongjin and Wheezy took turns to skate over the course, attracting the attention of the other skaters in the centre. They all stopped what they were doing and came to watch. Yeongjin and Wheezy went one at a time, given only a minute each to land as many tricks as possible, trying to one up each other as they went.

Thankfully Teddy helped him out, muttering the name of each trick the skaters attempted.

“Hurricane”

“hardflip”

“frontside pop shove it”

“varial kickflip”

“inward heel flip”

“frontside air”

“Noseblunt slide”

“Caballerial”

 Hanbin didn’t know what the point scoring system was, nor did he have any idea of what made a trick hard, well executed, or easy. He was hypnotised nonetheless and watched on in awe, amazed by their daring and control. It seemed like the hardest thing in the world but also the easiest. Yeongjin won after landing a huge jump off what looked to Hanbin like a large concrete podium. Wheezy tried to land the same jump and trick but instead fell hard on the ground, sending his skateboard flying. Everyone groaned and Wheezy lay on the ground for a long moment. When Yeongjin went over to check if he was ok he jumped up and jokingly demanded a replay. He and Yeongjin jostled each other laughing as Teddy and the rest of Yeongjin’s crew gathered around them.

left alone on the steps Hanbin was suddenly struck by the impulse to run. This was his chance. Yeongjin wasn’t watching and he was so immersed in his friends he wouldn’t even know he was gone! Hanbin began walking determinedly towards the exit with his heart racing. He was only a few metres from the door when there was the hiss of wheels behind him and Yeongjin appeared, skating around him in a loop, like a cat playing with a trapped mouse.

“Where you going?” Yeongjin asked in a dangerously calm tone, doing another lap around Hanbin who was blushing crimson and smiling apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I have to go now, I have somewhere to be.” Yeongjin gave him a searching look then nodded. He got off his board and took his phone out of his pocket.

“Not till you’ve given me your number. What is it?” Yeongjin looked up from his phone to Hanbin with a strangely sinister glint in his eyes that told him he’d finally been cornered. There was no way he wouldn’t be hearing from Yeongjin if he gave him his number. He was done for.

“M-my number?” Hanbin mumbled, “ah sure, sure..it’s-”

 Suddenly Teddy’s barking voice interrupted them.

“-Yeongjin! Come here! This guys here to see you for the Nike contract!” Yeongjin made an annoyed hissing sound.

“Wait here. I’ll be two seconds,” Yeongjin insisted, his eyes boring warningly into Hanbin’s. He skated off and without thinking Hanbin bolted. He raced through the doors he had walked through by accident earlier and sprinted to the sidewalk. He flagged down a cab and before he knew it he was inside and giving instructions that would take him home.

As the cab took off Hanbin felt a rush of relief. Thank God he was out of there. Hanbin realised that Yeongjin had a way of finding his Achilles heel in every short, blistering conversation they had, and stinging him right _there_ , completely unapologetically. Hanbin wasn’t used to people taking advantage of his weaknesses. Usually people only wanted to see his strength and confidence. It was confronting and it was terrifying. He was more sure than ever he couldn’t handle that right now. Not when Bobby was still messing with his head.

Yes, he was doing this to protect himself he asserted. And, he added sadly, also to protect Yeongjin. He wanted to spare Yeongjin the suffering of pursuing him in his current state, it wasn’t fair to make him deal with all his issues right now.

_I’m messy right now…really messy…I’m best left alone…it’s for the best…_

But the confident relief faded away quickly and before he’d even arrived home the shame started to set in. He felt like he was drowning in quicksand. What the hell had he just done? He literally just ran away? He’d run off like a scared mouse! His face burned with embarrassment and he vowed to never tell anyone about this incident. At least not for another ten years.

For a second he wondered whether he should go back but then he realised how could he? How could he explain himself?

_Oh hey Yeongjin, sorry I just snuck off like that then when you were busy with the contract for fucking Nike. I was just scared shitless, that’s all. But hey look, I’m back again! Still want my number??_

Nope. That wouldn’t do. He was done. It was over. There was no way Yeongjin would come near him again after cowardly, childishly running off like that. No way. And what the hell was he going to tell Namkyu? After he’d fired and killed him first for putting him in that terrible situation in the first place, of course.

As he let himself into the safety of his townhouse Hanbin mused that he’d never been good at hanging around in limbo, uncertainty, dealing with the ambiguous. He needed a path to stride down confidently or else he fell off to the sides.

But it was all ok now because if anything he’d just removed himself from the limbo he’d been in with Yeongjin. Running off was a shit move but he was sure something good was to come out of it. He had no doubt just totally unimpressed Yeongjin and that meant he wasn’t going to hear from him again. Of that he was absolutely certain.


	7. Giving In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gorgonize
> 
> (n.) to have a paralysing or mesmerizing effect on someone
> 
>    
> Propinquity
> 
> (n.) the state of being close to someone or something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning this chapter is a little cheekier and longer than normal. I hope you enjoy it, it was a pleasure to write. 
> 
> Thank you for reading xx

_Monday_

 

The third week of coaching was over and it had been so intense it made the previous two weeks seem like a holiday. The trainees had been through their two evaluations and now in just a week’s times it was the real deal. The thirty of them were performing but only fifteen would make it through to the next round. Half of them were going home, a statistic that made the trainees more desperate and competitive than ever.

Hanbin and Bobby were struggling to stay calm too, there was just so much to do and every time they seemed to make progress a new hurdle would inevitably appear. This trainee had a sprained ankle – would it heal in time? This trainee had lost her voice – would it return? This group still hadn’t decided on a song – would they choose one? This group were still bickering about their leader – would he have to step down? This group couldn’t get their track right – would Hanbin be able to fix it? This rapper kept getting nervous and running out of breath – could Bobby help him?

The uncertainty and anticipation was constant in the training rooms and the buzz of the cameras and film crew was just as constant. They were like intrusive spectres haunting the entire training centre, always managing to find the drama before the coaches did.

Although they were now closer to the trainees and genuinely enjoyed helping them, spending such intense period of time with them brought back flashes of the dread and anxiety they had felt those years ago when they had been in the same nail-biting position. For the sixth night in a row they were staying back late, locked in a recording room and taking a break from coaching to debrief and discuss. They had managed to avoid attracting the interest of the film crew who were instead hovering over the practicing trainees outside, ready to capture any imminent tantrums or breakdowns.

“I just feel so bad for them. Half of them are going home, _half_ …” Bobby looked at Hanbin solemnly from where he was leaning wearily against the wall. He was hoping Hanbin would admit it was getting to him too. Hanbin looked over at him from the computer and nodded.  

“It sucks, I feel bad for them. But hopefully if they don’t make it here some of them can still try out for other labels…there is still hope and we need to remind them of that.”

_…Typical Hanbin in B.I. mode…always the pragmatist…so damn realistic…_

“Also I was thinking…” Bobby began, feeling awkward about interrupting Hanbin who had turned back to his computer screen. Bobby couldn’t tell anymore if Hanbin was too busy and tired to be polite or if he was just being extra vigilant about keeping him at a distance. He just wished Hanbin would look at him when they spoke, it felt like he was talking to Hanbin’s robotic clone.

 “…how about we let loose Saturday afternoon…just have a moment with food and drinks and stuff, and just…have fun? I mean, just for an hour…half of them are going home the next day, let’s celebrate what they have achieved so far…”

Hanbin looked at him thoughtfully. Bobby noticed the familiar shadows of endurance under his eyes.

“Cool,” Hanbin nodded and smiled. Bobby’s spirits rose.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But why are you asking me like this? I’m not your boss…” Hanbin questioned, sounding mildly baffled and turning back to his work.

“Oh, I just…” Bobby didn’t actually know what to say. He realised Hanbin was pointing out something rather awkward - He just couldn’t help it, he still saw Hanbin as the leader, even after all this time and everything that had happened. He suddenly felt very silly.  

“You’ve been doing it this whole time, since we started filming…” Hanbin added as if he thought Bobby should know. Bobby chuckled trying to downplay it.

“…I just thought it would be a good idea to check in case I hadn’t considered something...” Hanbin was listening, he was nodding as Bobby spoke, but he didn’t take his eyes away from the screen.

_Bro, can you just look at me when I’m talking to you??_

“Well you don’t need to check with me anymore. Do what you want.” Hanbin didn’t say it coldly or rudely, in fact he sounded sincere. But his words made Bobby feel unbearably heavy. Bobby laughed off the comment but Hanbin didn’t smile.

“Ok well…I’m gonna check on the two groups, ok?” Bobby winced, realising he had done it again. Hanbin snorted in amusement and pulled his headphones on. Bobby left the room cursing.

 

***

 

_Wednesday_

 

It was now the middle of the week and time was running out. Every day seemed shorter than the one before. Hanbin and Bobby had basically moved into the training rooms with the trainees. Neither of them had been home in forty-eight hours and a dream-like frenzy had overtaken them all. Both groups of fifteen had so many issues it was mind-boggling and required intense assistance from both the coaches. During the day they worked apart, each with a group. In the afternoon they met up to discuss any progress or problems, then in the evening they worked together to evaluate the groups. In the early hours of the morning they watched the trainees practice and picked up whatever work needed to be finished that was outside of the trainees skillset.

It was 2:30 am in the morning and one of the Groups were still struggling with their dance routine. Hanbin didn’t know if it was just that they were tired or if they just didn’t have anything left to give. They made mistake after mistake and he stopped them again and again. Bobby jumped in to dance with them when necessary and to correct individual trainees. Hanbin noted the way he was sweating just as hard as the trainees themselves and appreciated the effort he was making. 

Hanbin had also really started to notice the ways in which Bobby had developed in the time he’d been apart, especially when he offered to take over music production duties so Hanbin could help the trainees with dance. Hanbin noted that he seemed much more confident with song arrangement and composing, the production side of things was no longer something he stumbled his way through out of sheer determination and an ability to learn quickly. He also seemed more confident than ever in his rapping and dancing. Realistically he knew Bobby had worked out his individual style years back, but it seemed that he had just refined it. It was like he was no longer a young kid rapper but a professional, someone who knew their craft. He was effortlessly high-tension and charismatic and Hanbin had to make an effort not to be distracted by him, he was like a bonfire in the middle of every room. He also didn’t like dwelling on Bobby’s new-found professionalism because it made him start to wonder if Bobby growing so much was a result of their breakup, and he didn’t have time for negative thoughts like that right now.

One of the trainees who was a fantastic dancer but she was so tired and stressed she was struggling to convey any emotions in her moves. She was like a robot and Hanbin was worried she wasn’t connecting with the song.

“Just stop for a second…um, I think you need to work on your facial expressions, right now you’re totally blank. You need to be more…vulnerable, more innocent, something like that. Maybe you need a concept…imagine you’re…you’re…”Hanbin scratched his head glanced at Bobby wanting him to make a suggestion.

“Imagine you’re about to have your first kiss,” Bobby suggested.

The trainees who were watching on laughed nervously, and the trainee in question blushed a deep magenta. Hanbin flashed Bobby a surprised glance. He too seemed slightly embarrassed. Bobby smiled.

_…why, don’t you remember what you were like when you had your first kiss…c’mon, man…don’t pretend you don’t remember…_

“Ok, go with that if it’s not too awkward...let’s go again, from the top. Get into character, remember your concept everyone and don’t hold anything back. If you don’t all give 100% it will be obvious and you will stand out in a bad way.”

Hanbin stood next to Bobby against the wall and unexpectedly close. Bobby had to work hard to hide his surprise, he could feel the heat coming from Hanbin’s arm next to his. Maybe he’d just forgotten? Or didn’t even realise? The trainees were ready and Bobby tried to refocus. It was work time. Time to work. He was going to concentrate. Hanbin pointed to the sound system and clicked his fingers.

“Go.”

 

***

 

“What?” Bobby squawked, his eyes round with disbelief. “For real? You’ve never kissed anyone? Never??”

Hanbin’s face blushed the same baby pink as his lips and he looked away…

It was halfway through their second year together as trainees. They were doing some song-writing practice on YG’s orders. Apparently, it wasn’t good enough that had both been acing their monthly evaluations, YG rappers needed to be good songwriters as well.

Since Jinhwan had returned to Jeju for the week for a family funeral the two of them had been spending a lot of one on one time together and an abnormally giddy mood had taken hold of both of them. They were lost in each other and Bobby knew that at least as far as he was concerned, he didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want this dream-like week to end because having Hanbin all to himself was almost as good as loving him, and that was what he wanted most in the world.

It was a slow Saturday afternoon and they were in the tiny studio off their practice room, both trying to become hit-making songwriters but instead hopelessly distracting each other. First Hanbin had managed to steal every single one of his pens when he’d gone to the bathroom, and he’d been forced to find them hidden badly around the room while Hanbin laughed ‘hot’ and ‘cold.’ As pay back he’d managed to stuff several rubbers down the back of Hanbin’s shirt, forcing him to stand up and jiggle them out, sending them both into hysterics.

Bobby didn’t know how they got from rubbers to the topic of kissing…but somehow, they had….

Hanbin looked up at him with a self-conscious smile.

“No, never.”

 “Why?” Bobby asked astounded. Hanbin was so confident and talented…how was it possible that he’d never kissed anyone? Also from what he understood about Hanbin’s school experience, he’d been popular and well respected. That made it even harder to believe that he’d never kissed anyone.

But then again, Bobby reconsidered as he regarded the bashful Hanbin sitting next to him at the desk, now glowing bright pink all the way down to his neck, it also made sense. The guy was strangely awkward when it came to romantic topics, even struggling to admit he had crushes. It was like romantic attraction was something Hanbin had never truly considered or spent time on, and as a result he didn’t have the language or words needed to talk about it. Bobby had noticed it early on, it made him different from the other trainees who couldn’t shut up about the crushes they’d had and who they were currently messaging. It had taken him and Jinhwan months and months to find out his last crush had been on a senior at his high school...but that was literally all they knew. As soon as the topic of love came up Hanbin fell silent.

“I dunno…maybe no one has ever wanted to kiss me?” Hanbin chuckled and shrugged.

Something indignant burst into flames inside Bobby. He leant forward on the desk, staring at Hanbin intently.

“Nup, _not_ true. They have, you just didn’t notice.” Hanbin was taken aback by his forceful tone but Bobby could see he was also grateful from the way he then shyly smiled down at his unfinished lyrics now left abandoned. Despite their playing around Hanbin had still managed to write more than he had. Bobby swept the page over to his side of the desk so he could see what Hanbin had done so far.

“Well do you wanna have your first kiss? You keen?” Bobby asked as he skimmed over the lyrics without really reading them. His heart was actually pounding excitedly that they were even having this conversation. Hanbin usually ran away way before this and it felt like they were about to cross a new boundary. When he looked up Hanbin was staring at him stunned.

“What, my first kiss… _now_?” Hanbin asked slowly. There was a long awkward silence as they looked at each other confused.

Bobby had only meant to ask if Hanbin was looking forward to having a first kiss _in general_ …he hadn’t meant was he looking forward to having his first kiss _now_... _here_ …with _him_. But the fact that Hanbin even considered that a possibility sent his brain into meltdown. What the fuck was going on, was Hanbin trying to tell him something? Was there now a strange electric hopefulness in the air between them or was he just imagining things? He felt feverish all over and couldn’t his tear his eyes from Hanbin’s.

“I just meant, like, is that something you put down on this year’s to-do-list, like a goal or something…?” He stammered.

 “Oh…no, not really.” Hanbin chuckled dismissively and quickly shook his head. “It’s pretty low down on the to-do-list to be honest…”

“Why?”

“I dunno…I just…”

“You want to save it for the right person?” Bobby asked feeling his own stomach flip nervously. That was a risky thing to say – what if Hanbin said “yes” and it turned out the “right” person wasn’t him? Bobby held his breath.

“No it’s not that…I kind of don’t want to say…” Hanbin grinned and bit his lower lip bashfully. He was acting like a coy school girl and Bobby found it unexpectedly irresistible.

“You don’t think anyone _wants_ to kiss you. Is that it?” Bobby asked. Hanbin laughed and Bobby took that as an admission. He leaned back in his chair to get a better view of the massive idiot sitting next to him at the desk and raised his eyebrows in disbelief. He shook his head.

“I don’t get you Bin, you know how amazing and talented you are…but you don’t seem to get why someone would want you that way…want to kiss you and be with you and stuff…”

_squeeze you, make out with you, sleep with you, hold hands with you, feel you up, never let you go…_

Hanbin had stopped joking around and was now listening to Bobby intently, and that made Bobby all the more aware of his own words and how much he meant them. How badly he wanted Hanbin to know how he felt, but how scared he was of ruining everything. They looked at each other with a soft lingering gaze and Bobby noticed the way Hanbin’s eyes flicked now and again to his mouth. Bobby’s heart was racing and there was a sensation in his stomach that told him they were both heading towards something that was terrifying but incredible at the same time. The momentum was there and this time, for some crazy reason, Hanbin wasn’t going to run away.

Hanbin swung around on his chair to face Bobby more directly. Their knees brushed and Bobby’s heart lurched.  

“No, it’s not that actually. It’s more that...” Hanbin fiddled with his unfinished notes, tearing them up piece by piece, “I don’t know _how_ to kiss someone. Like, what if I screw it up, or do it really badly and make an idiot of myself? Maybe then that person will be disappointed and not like me anymore…” Bobby stared at him then suddenly burst into laughter. Hanbin looked shocked and confused at first but ended up laughing too.

“What! Why’s that so funny! Don’t laugh at me!” Hanbin slapped Bobby’s arm in embarrassed anger. Bobby managed to contain himself.

“Is that seriously why you don’t want to kiss anyone? You’re scared of doing it wrong?” Bobby couldn’t help laughing because suddenly everything made sense. all Hanbin’s hesitation, his running away, the mixed messages, the mood swings…

For months and months now, they’d had a chemistry that was undeniable and Bobby knew what it was that he was feeling. It was love. However, Hanbin had driven him almost mad with his mixed signals. All that hesitation, the running away, the mood swings, the sudden shyness…it all made sense now.

It wasn’t that Hanbin didn’t like him, or that he was just a tease, or even that he was clueless. This was all about Hanbin’s perfectionism. If Hanbin didn’t know he was going to be perfect at something he didn’t want to do it at all, he couldn’t stand disappointing people and letting himself down. Maybe that had been it all along…Hanbin had wanted him all along for months and months too but just didn’t know how to initiate…or kiss him for the first time…he just didn’t know if he would be good enough…

“Yeah, pretty much,” Hanbin smiled and laughed again. He stopped laughing though when Bobby suddenly grabbed the back of his chair and dragged him close. Bobby had gone into action mode. It felt like he was in a film but he didn’t care, that was how life-changing moments were supposed to feel and he was determined to make one of those moments now.

_Well, fuck it Hanbin. If that’s the reason I’m not going to wait a fucking moment longer! If you’re too nervous to make the first move, I will!_

“It’s easy, come here, I’ll show you.” Bobby was now full of electric confidence as if teaching Hanbin how to kiss was suddenly his life’s purpose. Hanbin had gone completely passive. He seemed too dazed to run away and he let Bobby take his face in his hand. Bobby drew in closer and closer, hardly believing it was finally happening. How many times had he imagined kissing Hanbin’s perfect mouth, running his hands through his hair and feeling his chest pressed firmly to his own. Their lips were just about to meet, Bobby felt a tiny whisper of warm air from Hanbin’s parted lips and he was so happy he wanted to cry. He leaned in to close the gap and –

_CRUNCH_

Startled, they both looked down to find their chairs were at odd angles and had managed to collide. Bobby couldn’t move in any closer.

“Come here,” Bobby stood up not wanting to lose momentum and pulled Hanbin still in a daze behind him, leading him to the wall of the studio. He was so immersed in the moment he didn’t even check if there was anyone around outside. He planted Hanbin against the wall who stood with his mouth just slightly parted. He looked so incredibly nervous yet trusting at the same time that a huge surge of love overcame Bobby. He lost control and without a moment’s hesitation he pressed his lips to Hanbin’s. Hanbin’s lips were as soft and full as they looked and as they kissed he felt Hanbin respond instinctively, opening his mouth a little more and letting their lips pull against each other’s. The joy and relief was all-consuming. He wanted to cry, he wanted to laugh, he wanted to smile, he wanted to scream.  

They pulled apart and looked at each other, both too breathless to say anything. Any pretence of Bobby casually “teaching” Hanbin how to kiss had been forgotten. It was real now, that kiss had been as good as a confession.

“I love you.” Bobby croaked, in awe of his own daring. He watched surprise, confusion, happiness then doubt pass through Hanbin’s eyes. Finally, he spoke.

“You _love_ me?” Hanbin repeated uncertainly.

“Yeah,” Bobby confirmed assuredly, but his whole body tensed and braced itself for rejection.

“As in _in_ love with me?”

“Yep, since I first met you. It just took me a little while to work out that’s what it was. But it’s love, for sure, without a doubt. I love you Hanbin. I really, really love you.”

“But this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me,” Hanbin murmured in bewilderment.

“It does. It’s happening _right now_ you idiot,” Bobby smiled. Hanbin stared at him and Bobby’s stomach knotted nervously. There was still room for Hanbin to run… would he? But Hanbin smiled shyly and his confused eyes turned soft and gentle.

“That’s good to hear…because I love you too. I really, really love you.”

They kissed again, this time more confidently than before. Their arms wrapped around each other, drawing their bodies together tightly. As they got used to the feeling and found more of a rhythm their kiss became deeper and more intense. Bobby slid one of his hands from the back of Hanbin’s neck down to his chest and felt his heart throbbing so hard he could basically hear it. It was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard, better than his favourite song.

When they stopped kissing their lips felt slightly numb and they stayed in each other’s arms just smiling and looking at each other, completely stunned and needing to rediscover each other. He was no longer just Bobby, but Bobby who loved Hanbin. And Hanbin was now Hanbin who loved _him_. It was fucking miracle but it was happening, it was really real. He felt a tear roll down his cheek and he loved that Hanbin didn’t feel the need to brush it away, he knew it was a happy tear and just smiled.

“So who taught you how to kiss?” Hanbin asked shyly, his trembling fingers running over Bobby’s lips. Bobby couldn’t deny that hearing a slight note of  jealousy in Hanbin’s voice made him even happier. Bobby gave him a mischievous bunny grin that made his eyes disappear into tight creases.

“You did. That was my first kiss too.” Bobby cracked up as Hanbin’s face fell in surprise. He’d been tricked! Bobby grabbed his shoulders and gave him a little shake, “See! it’s not that hard…you don’t always have to wait until you’re perfect to try something new! Sometimes you just have to give things a shot!” Hanbin smiled.

 “Ok, you got me.”

“Yeah, I got you,” Bobby took Hanbin’s face in his hands again, “no matter how nervous you get, no matter how many kisses you stuff up - I got you.”

“Do you really, really love me?”

“Yes, I really, really do. Forever.”

 

***

 

“They’re good.” Hanbin’s sharp voice came out of nowhere and he jolted upright. It had been an exhausting, non-stop day of dancing, rapping and vocal practice. He’d just been resting his heavy eyes and must have slipped into that zone that was a blend of reminiscing, dreaming and thinking.

“They’re good to go but you need to help Jonghyun with the rapping. He’s still struggling to get his timing right. I don’t have time to, I’ve got to help these girls with their dancing…”

Bobby stared at Hanbin for a few seconds, trying to make sense of his face which was a series of parts, not a whole. He was suddenly very aware of Hanbin’s lips. The lips that had given him his first kiss. He’d been in the past and it was taking him a while to transfer himself back to the present

“Yep. Sure.” He mumbled.

Hanbin gave him an inquiring look in each eye individually as if to check if he was catatonic.

“All good?” Hanbin asked slowly and Bobby finally snapped out of it.

“Yep, all good, come with me!” Bobby and the trainee left to go find another space to practice in, but he couldn’t help feeling strangely off. His heart beat and temperature were up and he was feeling jittery. He hoped if he was getting sick he’d last until Saturday. Dear god, he couldn’t afford to get sick now. There wasn’t enough time for that.

 

***

 

_Friday night_

 

As Bobby sat at the computer frantically yet steadily working through his group’s mixed tracks, trying to identify why it sounded off, he looked over at Hanbin sleeping on the sofa. He'd apologised to Bobby profusely about leaving him to do the editing, he had a headache and needed to sleep for a while. But Bobby had assured him he had it covered, and he did. All those months editing his tracks for the mixtape in L.A. had paid off.

Hanbin was just a few metres away, his face all soft and weary. Once upon a time Bobby could easily have been curled up with him, his face just centimetres from Hanbin’s, his breath tickling his nose. In fact he literally had, and in the same studio they were in now. 

Maybe he was just over-tired and stressed, or maybe he really was just losing it, but his mind took him to a strange place of outlandish hypotheticals, a place of inappropriate compulsive thoughts. Imagine if he got up right now, from this desk, walked over and lay down next to Hanbin facing him. What if he put his arm over Hanbin, stroked his cheek, what would happen then?

_Would your eyes fill with shock? Or happy surprise? Would you push me off onto the floor and storm out? Or would you hold me back? Would you kiss me?_

Bobby realised he was truly losing the plot, the images in his head were baffling and he couldn’t explain them. What did it matter anyway, if Hanbin still loved him or not? It wasn’t any of his business anymore. The fact he was even imaging such things was ridiculous. He needed to refocus. He rubbed his face firmly, growling in frustration and looked back at the computer screen. It was already 2:30 am and he still felt feverish, it hadn't worn off from the other day.

He was running out of time.

 

***

 

“What?” Hanbin laughed softly, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. It was sunny afternoon, it had been eight months since their confession and finally, after waiting and waiting for Hanbin to be ready, it had happened.

“Nothing, you’re just a bit quiet that’s all…” Bobby murmured. Hanbin rolled onto his back still holding his hand, closed his eyes and smiled.

“I’m not allowed to be quiet from time to time?”

“No, of course you can…I just want to know you’re ok.” Bobby replied seriously. He didn’t want to joke around. How ironic, Bobby mused, he had always imagined it would be Hanbin needing the reassurance afterwards they lost their virginity together. But here he was, second-guessing himself and wanting Hanbin to dispel his worries. He couldn’t tell if Hanbin was just being a tease or if he was being deliberately evasive to mask something else…

They had picked a day when they knew the boys would be all out shopping. Days like that happened so rarely that they couldn’t go back once they’d committed to it. The next time an opportunity like that appeared could be months away. Once the sounds of the boys had well and truly faded away Bobby headed for the bedroom and Hanbin followed.

They had taken their clothes off in a nervous rush, their eyes skimming over each other’s bodies in awe as the tension built. Being naked in bed with Hanbin had been strange at first, so different from the pragmatic nudity that had been the feature of their groups showers together for so long. Beneath him, Hanbin felt so impossibly vulnerable, sexy and innocent at the same time. But as their arms wrapped around each other firmly, drawing each other in close and closer, and their hands began to move hungrily over every inch of each other’s bodies, it felt like second nature within moments.

Bobby kissed Hanbin everywhere again and again, and Hanbin kissed him back just as much.  Bobby knew they were both clumsy and clueless, but that didn’t make it any less amazing than he’d imagined it would be. In fact, it made it more special, they were trly discovering something new that would only happen once in their lives, and it was with each other.

It was so easy to want more from each other, it seemed necessary or vital to their existence. It had been hard stopping at this point time and time again, something they had been doing for months now. But for six months Hanbin had been suspicious of being so vulnerable, and he’d been secretly convinced that in giving himself to Bobby so entirely he’d lose something within him that enabled him to be independent. He had been scared of losing himself so he’d hesitated and Bobby had understood without resentment. Waiting for Hanbin had never been a problem for Bobby, it was seeing Hanbin anxious about keeping him waiting that had been hard to deal with.

But now, knowing that this time they were going to go all the way, that they didn’t have to stop, that Hanbin was ready to see how much he wanted him, filled Bobby with a bittersweet urgency that overwhelmed him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. And remember, don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be perfect!” Bobby growled before kissing Hanbin again.

He couldn’t physically wait any longer, he was so hard it hurt and throbbed. He sat up, still kissing Hanbin, and began to stroke him. Hanbin sat up too and mirrored his actions. Hanbin’s touch was more than he could bear, it put all his wildest fantasies to shame.

Time seemed to both pause and speed up as they stroked each other into a state of pleasurable oblivion. The apartment block could have been on fire, the other boys could have been back and banging on the door to let them in, an earthquake could have swept through Seoul, but they wouldn’t have noticed. They were too absorbed in each other and their own intensifying need to the finish.  They came at virtually the same time. Bobby had groaned joyously, feeling light, relieved and outside of his own body. It wasn’t the first time he’d had an orgasm, but it was the first time he’d had one with Hanbin, and it was every bit as amazing as he’d imagined. Hanbin hadn’t made a sound but Bobby had felt his urgent breaths and his mouth open against his shoulder.

For a while they sat dazed and woozy, holding each other and nuzzling necks. Then feeling Hanbin had lost all tension in his body Bobby lay him down beneath him once again and held him tight. He wanted to protect Hanbin from the world, anyone bad or cruel, anything that would hurt him or take him away from his side for even a second. Hanbin ran his hands through his hair and kissed him softly.

Eventually Bobby had settled down next to Hanbin on the bed and tried to find a trace of what he was feeling in his face. He was looking strangely blank. It was then Hanbin had opened his eyes and noticed his questioning look…

“You want to know if I’m ok?” Hanbin repeated Bobby’s words coyly.

“Are you?” Bobby asked earnestly. He wasn’t sure if he should point out that Hanbin was clearly still trembling. Hanbin paused and looked thoughtful for a moment, smoothing his ruffled fringe back down over his forehead.

“Well, how am I supposed to feel? What’s normal?”

“I don’t know to be honest…but I remember once my brother told me, that apparently, after having sex you either have a really good sleep, the best you’ve ever had or…you have nightmares.” Hanbin looked at him with wide eyes and they both laughed. Bobby felt relieved that Hanbin was laughing…that was a good sign, surely.

“And I guess that is meant to reveal how you felt about it? Ok…well, let’s find out, I’m tired.” Hanbin smiled and closed his eyes. He often needed to sleep after anything that required emotional energy. He began to drift off to sleep still holding Bobby’s hand.

Bobby reached overhead to grab his phone with his free hand and checked the time. They still had several hours before the boys would be back but he set his alarm anyway. He gazed at Hanbin’s serene, sleepy face next to him and wondered how it was possible to love someone as much as he did right now. He just hoped Hanbin was ok…that they hadn’t rushed things…he’d feel so terrible and blame himself so bad if Hanbin regretted it…

They slept for a while, much longer than either of them had anticipated, and when the alarm went off and Bobby had jolted awake, it felt like he’d woken into a new century. He looked down at Hanbin next to him who was just beginning to stir.

 “Hey, the boys might be back soon…” Bobby rubbed Hanbin’s arm, marvelling at how soft, firm and warm he felt. He turned him on so much it hurt.

“I didn’t have any,” said Hanbin, managing to speak through a wide, smiling yawn.  

“What?” Bobby asked confused. Hanbin grinned up at him. The sheets had fallen down to his hips. Bobby could see nearly all the words on his tattoo...

“I didn’t have any nightmares…not a single bad dream…”

“Oh,” Bobby chuckled. “I’m glad, I would be sad if you did…after we’d…yeah…” Hanbin suddenly had a glint in his eyes. He sat up and wrapped his arms around Bobby’s chest. He was grinning and giggling and Bobby had no idea what was going on.

“What?” Bobby laughed as Hanbin kissed his chest teasingly and pricked his neck with his teeth, “what?”

There were a million things Hanbin wanted to say to Bobby about loving, needing him and wanting him, and how he knew he was going to feel that way forever, but they all came down to one word.

“Again.”

“ _Again_?” Bobby was confused. “Again what?” As Hanbin’s hands slid down the front of Bobby's chest and under the covers he smiled, realising what Hanbin meant. His heart pounded happily in his chest, he was so relieved. Hanbin had been ready after all…he’d just needed to process, which made sense he was so sensitive sometimes...But he was fine now, so much so he even wanted to..

 “Again…” Hanbin smiled, pulling Bobby down happily into his arms and kissing him, “…and forever and ever.”

 

***

 

The memories were too much, Bobby needed to leave the studio, he needed to escape. Hanbin was still asleep so he wouldn’t even notice he was gone. He grabbed his beanie, stuck it on his head and let his feet take him to the nearest balcony where he knew he could catch some fresh air.

He didn’t know what was wrong with him but he was suddenly feeling angry and frustrated. He opened the heavy glass door and stepped out onto the balcony, the cold air clarifying his racing thoughts.

_No but seriously, what happened?? We loved each other so much?? So much. What the fuck went wrong…?_

Somewhere along the way things had changed. Hanbin had changed and the way he handled stress had changed. What had been small problems at the beginning – Hanbin’s anger issues and stubbornness – had become huge walls between them…

But had it been Hanbin’s fault? Had his anxiety and perfectionism really worsened and driven them apart? Or had Bobby just become less and less able to cope with it? Had _he_ been the one to change?

Regardless of the cause, even when they couldn’t get through to each other no matter how hard they tried, and it hurt Bobby to the bottom of his soul to admit it, there had been love there. Heaps of it. He’d loved Hanbin bitterly and fiercely right until the second before he uttered his final decision about going solo.

Bobby stared out across the dull training room carpark full of filming crew vans. He didn’t like that he was thinking about this so much. It was just because he was with Hanbin and in these stupid training rooms, back in a survival show situation that made everything from the past sweep back into his heart and mind. That’s all it was, and as soon as this was done he would be feeling ok again.

There was the sound of the balcony door opening and he grimaced. He did not want to be caught by the cameras in such a messed-up state. It was Hanbin looking tentative.

“Hey…you good?” Hanbin asked, wandering onto the balcony and stopping a few metres from him hugging his arms against the cold air.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I just needed some fresh air.”

“Yeah it’s kind of stuffy in there.” Hanbin agreed politely. Bobby stared at Hanbin and his concerned but distant eyes.

_What happened to us, do you know? Or are you still as clueless as you were the day we broke up?_

Bobby wondered if in that moment, just the two of them on the balcony, if Hanbin still loved him. Was standing here on the balcony - asking if he was ok, after weeks now of working together as exes - hard for him? Was it painful, saddening, infuriating? He assumed it was even though Hanbin was still wearing his best poker face. There was a part of him that wanted to ask, just for the sake of honesty itself. He hated not being upfront with people, and surely, exes at least owed each other that.

All these memories all week had been playing mind games with him and every day the desire for understanding the past, the truth, had become stronger and more gnawing, like a thorn growing into his side.

He opened his mouth to ask the question he desperately wanted to know…and Hanbin looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to say it…but he couldn’t. It would be wrong of him. He shook his head and turned to look back over the balcony across the carpark. He asked a different question instead.

“How do you think the trainees are coping?”

“Fine, they’re dying from being overworked…but they will be fine, these survival shows don’t last forever as we both know…well, I better head back in... I’ll see you back in there…when you’re ready…we have a lot to do…”

Bobby cringed. Hanbin asking him so politely to get his shit together killed him. He would have preferred if he’d scolded him to stop wasting time as he had done many times before. But Hanbin wouldn’t do that now, because he was no longer his leader.

_Get it into your head Bobby, you’re “friends” now, that’s all there is to it. It’s not rocket science…_

 

***

 

_Saturday afternoon…_

The training room felt insanely small with thirty trainees and several film crew stuffed inside. Everyone was relieved to be letting loose and forgetting their worries, even if it was just for an hour or so. The trainees were eating and drinking, showing off their dancing, and some of them had taken control of the sound system and were DJing.

When Bobby and Hanbin arrived the trainees paused their partying and presented them each with a gift and some heart-felt thanks were given. Bobby had then made everyone laugh by complaining it was an awkward party because there was no music. The music started again and everyone including Bobby and Hanbin began dancing. It felt strange, partying at 3pm, but at the same time everyone had so much pent-up nervous energy about the following day that it worked and the mood in the room was hyper. At one point a song came on that sent the trainees into riotous noise and they all looked over at Hanbin who laughed and hid his face in his hands.

“What’s this?” Bobby asked a trainee over the noise. She stared at him then laughed, obviously thinking he was joking.

“You know what it is!”

Bobby realised with surprise it had to be a song from Hanbin’s album. He hadn’t listened to Hanbin’s album, _B.I._ In fact he’d made a point of never listening to it. But now as Bobby listened he realised it was obviously Hanbin’s work, his sound was written all over it. It was one of his edgy party songs, a sexier, more mature _Bling Bling_ , full of cheeky and cutting lyrics. The bassline was heavy and Bobby felt it reverberate through his chest with each beat. It was a triumphant and bold track that filled everyone in the room with the sensation they’d just conquered a small nation.

Bobby was taken aback. Had Hanbin really managed to write this song during those dark months after their breakup? From what Bobby had heard from the boys, Hanbin had been deeply depressed for at least a year after their breakup…how was it possible that Hanbin had been able to push through all of that and write such a hectic song?

The trainees dragged Hanbin, cringing and laughing, to the middle of the room and Bobby watched on, smiling and rather stunned, as the whole room of trainees and the Hanbin danced part of what must have been the choreo for the track. Hanbin refused to dance the whole thing even though the trainees urged him to, but several of them knew it all the moves to the entire song. Everyone cheered them on including Hanbin who was clearly impressed and delighted.

How surreal, bobby mused, that here they were all dancing to Hanbin’s song like it was a classic and here he was, completely, utterly, totally out of the loop.

The party ended too soon for many of the trainees, they didn’t want to return to reality. The next day they were competing against each other, all thirty of them, for fifteen spots. It hurt and many of them hugged each other and began to cry. The cameras flocked around to capture every tear, every embrace.

Hanbin and Bobby wished them luck and urged them to work hard. They had to leave now, their coaching was done. It was all up to the trainees now.

 

***

 

_Sunday Night_

 

“It’s done. It’s over.”  Bobby was in a state of disbelief. They were once again outside the YG building, each waiting for their rides. It was late, 11pm and they were the last judges to leave after the elimination as they had wanted to congratulate the survivors and farewell those who were going home. It had been incredibly emotional and the tears of joy and disappointment had been all too familiar to the boys. Saying goodbye to the trainees who hadn’t made it had been especially hard. Bobby had nearly cried himself as he said farewell to one trainee he’d been particularly fond of. The guy had potential…he just wasn’t ready for YG standards yet.

“Well, our part in it, yeah.” Hanbin reminded him with a wry smile, “the surviving fifteen have a long way to go still…another six weeks.”

Bobby didn’t know how Hanbin could be so calm. He was still shaken from all the sobbing trainees. Standing there on the pavement next to him Hanbin looked rather regal but tired and even a little melancholy. Bobby could also tell Hanbin was proud though, he was happy with what they’d done and how they’d helped the trainees. It really had been a very eventful and intense learning process.

Bobby didn’t know what was wrong with him. Maybe the final evaluation elimination round had just left him emotional, it reminded him of how he’d felt after WIN. His mind had flashed back to that final stage. Hanbin had had red hair then, dark red like wine. He’d been wearing a suit. He had bawled his eyes out. The next day Bobby had held him tight in his bed as he stared at the wall in a state of depression.

“What are you going to do now…?” Bobby asked Hanbin.

“Now this show has finished?” Hanbin clarified.

“Yeah.” Hanbin shrugged.

“I always have something on. Writing more songs I guess, work on some more collaborations, start preparing songs for another album. Do some more writing. There is always something to do...”

Bobby was surprised to hear Hanbin reference his own writing, which he assumed meant his poetry. Since the friendzoning Hanbin had made it very clear that talking about _Lost Words_ was taboo. To hear him refer to it now was unexpected and he didn’t know what it meant. Bobby couldn’t help wondering if that signified Hanbin was moving on? Coming to terms with it all? Was that why he could talk more easily about sensitive topics? Were things going to get better from now on? Were they actually going to be _real_ friends again? Strangely enough the idea didn’t bring Bobby any joy, it left him feeling numb.

Hanbin’s car arrived first and there was a strange melancholy silence as they regarded each other in farewell.

“See you…” Hanbin smiled. His nose was bright red in the cold. 

“Yeah, see you soon. It was good working with you…again.” Bobby stopped talking before he could ruin the genuine moment with awkwardness. Hanbin just smiled and with that he got into the car, closed the door and seconds later it was down the street disappearing into the rest of the traffic. 

Something heaved in Bobby’s chest and he couldn’t work out what it was. He didn’t know what was going on with him today, his emotions were all over the place. He tried to reassure himself there was a logical explanation to it all. He was just tired from a month of intense work and stress and he was just a bit emotional because it was now all over. Maybe it was just hard to believe that all the emotional, hard-work and memories had resulted in what had to be the most distant "goodbye" he'd ever experienced...it didn't feel right, it was anti-climactic. 

_well, whatever, it's done and now we can move on to whatever happens next...I'll be ready for it, that's for sure._

 

As he got into the car he reassured himself that he just needed a few days of sleep then he’d be back to normal. 

 

***

 

Hanbin collapsed into an armchair in his barely lit lounge room and let out a deep sigh. He’d done it. He’d survived a whole month working with Jiwon. It felt like the most lacklustre achievement ever though, like winning a prize for a race he’d never wanted to take part in the first place. He sat down in his loungeroom trying not to think about the four week that had passed. He succeeded for approximately ten seconds. His mind flashed with images of Jiwon. Jiwon dancing, Jiwon rapping, Jiwon giving a trainee a high five, Jiwon scolding another trainee, Jiwon shovelling take away into his mouth, Jiwon staring into space, Jiwon staring at him, Jiwon swearing at a computer screen, Jiwon taking a nap with his mouth wide open…

Now Hanbin’s part in _Fast Forward_ was over he was once again left alone with the cold hard facts of the situation.  Did he still love Jiwon? Yes. Did he still want to love Jiwon? No. His heart sank and a tear prickled his eye and skidded down his cheek. He brushed it away impatiently.

_No, you’re being pathetic. Pathetic. You’ve got to stop this sulking and wallowing…it’s not good for you and it won’t change anything anyway…_

Sure, he didn’t exactly feel the wild romantic lust for the guy he once had, but whatever he did feel was still there like perpetual stitch in the side of his chest. But what could he do about it? Was there a short intensive course he could enrol in that would speed up the recovery process? _Getting Over Heartbreak 101: what to do when the bastard dumps you and you still haven’t gotten over it two years later._ Could he have a very specific lobotomy to remove just that stupid part of his brain that still loved Jiwon? Could he see a hypnotist? He got out his phone to start searching if there actually were hypnotists in Seoul and which was the closest to him…but then he realised what he was doing. He was losing the plot. Maybe he should call Jinhwan, he’d told him ages ago to call him whenever he got into a bad headspace…

But he couldn’t help wondering how he was in the situation and Jiwon wasn’t. How had Bobby gotten over it so quick? It humiliated and angered him to think that what was causing him so much grief had been so easy for Jiwon to work through. Then again, Hanbin remembered, he did go away overseas…he had a change of scene.

Hanbin suddenly felt elated, an idea was forming in his mind. Maybe that’s what he needed to do! Go away himself, come back a new person!

The idea energised him so much he now felt he could be bothered to have a shower. He was just about to head up the stairs, travel ideas racing through his mind, when something on the kitchen bench caught his eye. The kitchen was pretty much in darkness however there was something shiny on one of the benchtops that was reflecting light from the loungeroom. He backed down the stairs and walked over. He rolled his eyes as soon as he realised what it was.

It was copy of Vogue Korea and there was a sticky-note stuck on the front cover that said “ _enjoy_ ” in his managers handwriting. Hanbin realised with a flush of embarrassment that Namkyu must have bought it especially for him and he knew straight away that within he would find Yeongjin’s photoshoot, the one he’d told him to look out for in the elevator weeks ago. Hanbin reached for his phone to text something scathing to Namkyu but his curiosity got the best of him. He found himself suddenly flipping through the magazine to find Yeongjin, too impatient to use the table of contents.

There he was. In all his half-naked, tattooed, muscular, effortlessly sexy glory. The theme of the photoshoot was a play on contrasts. Yeongjin, the definition of street-style was placed against a lush, fancy and refined hotel room. He lay sprawled on luxurious bedsheets, leant against the window frame with its expensive, heavy curtains, played with the tassles on an opulent lampshade with his long tattooed fingers, and slumped in a velvet armchair, his abs rippling. He was the definition of smouldering and cool. All he wore was a pair of ragged jeans that sat low on his chiselled hips.

Hanbin struggled to swallow, he was feeling hot all over and a bit dirty, as if any moment someone was going to catch him doing something inappropriate like watching porn. It basically was porn though….Hanbin realised he’d been staring at half-naked Yeongjin for too long and that he was getting hotter by the second. He put the magazine down on the bench feeling dazed. He shook his head and decided he wasn’t going to text Namkyu at all. He wasn’t going to reward his silly behaviour with any attention, good or bad.

Then out of the blue the doorbell buzzed loudly for the first time in what must have been six months. No one rang his door bell, not even deliverymen. Everyone just texted or call him to let him know they were outside. He checked his phone but there was no message from Namkyu or any of the boys so he wasn’t sure who else it could be. It was nearly midnight.

Jiwon flashed into his mind, after all he’d been the last one to ambush him at home like this…was it going to be him again? Did he want to talk again? He tentatively approached the door and this time he was careful to shatter his own hopes before he let someone else do it for him.

 

***

 

“Hey, can we stop for just a second? I need to get something.” The chauffeur pulled up and Boby raced into the music shop. He’d noticed it when they’d been stuck at a traffic light and he’d had the random desire to go in and buy Hanbin’s album. He was curious and still felt bad from the party the day before when he hadn’t recognised Hanbin’s hit.

He looked the album over in the car. The design was very nice and simple but with plenty of character. Classic Hanbin. When he got home an urgency came over him and went to his music system to play it immediately, it was like he needed to get it over and done with before an onlooker realised what he was doing and tried to stop him. But he had second thoughts. He realised he didn’t want to listen to the album in his house…he didn’t know how it was going to make him feel and he didn’t want Hanbin to haunt his home, his place of rest.

Fifteen minutes later he was in his car and headed for a quiet district he often drove through at night to think. While stopped in traffic he slipped in the CD, it took a second to recognise, then it began to play.

 

***

 

Hanbin opened the door and there was Yeongjn. Hanbin froze wide-eyed and Yeongjin stared back coolly.

_Oh shiiiit._

Hanbin resigned himself to the fact that meeting Yeongjin without being mortified and embarrassed by his own previous behaviour was impossible. He was destined to feel stupid around the guy. The last time he’d seen him was at the skatepark two weeks ago…and he’d run away like a startled deer the moment his back was turned. But why was he here? Why?? Surely he'd gotten the message that he wasn't wanting things to go further??

“Evening.” Yeongjin nodded. He was looking sombre and dressed head to toe in black as if he was on the way to his own funeral. He was holding a skateboard in his right hand.

“Hi,” Hanbin stammered. Yeongjin cleared his throat and tipped his head to the side questioningly.

“You gonna invite me in or what?” Yeongjin didn’t seem to be quite as calm and cool as the previous times Hanbin had seen him. His manner and way of speaking was rather clipped, even a bit forced as if he was dealing with a deadline of some kind. Taken aback Hanbin stood aside robotically, feeling like he’d just given a wolf permission to stroll into his house.

Yeongjin propped his skateboard against the wall in the foyer and strode through, pacing round the loungeroom, inspecting things then losing interest and moving on. He seemed agitated and it made Hanbin nervous. It was like being in a cage with a wild animal. He wished he’d left the front door open.

“I skated all the way here, you know…” Yeongjin informed him whilst fiddling with a small jade elephant he found on a shelf. Hanbyul had given it to Hanbin upon returning from a school excursion to the zoo.

“All the way here…from your house?” Hanbin folded his arms across his chest and held them tight. The idea of Yeongjin skating across Seoul to see him at midnight gave him chills.  

“Yeah…I couldn’t sleep. I don’t usually go to sleep so early, but I’ve got a flight to catch early tomorrow…” Yeongjin was now flipping through a book on the coffee table. It was another gift, a photographic study of graffiti from around the world. Donghyuk had given it to him for his birthday but he hadn’t had time to look at it yet. Now whenever he saw it he would be reminded of Yeongjin.

Yeongjin looked up with a pained expression on his face.

“Hey, I could really go for a drink. Do you have scotch or something?” Hanbin grimaced.

“I’m sorry I don’t have anything. Nothing at all. I don’t drink, actually. I’m a total lightweight…I’ve tried to get better at it, I even practiced once - with Soju - but I just threw up and fell asleep next to the toilet…” Hanbin laughed nervously and shut up. He was babbling like a mad man. Yeongjin looked at him blankly. Hanbin blushed and stumbled onwards to eradicate the awkward silence in the room.

“So…yeah…no alcohol…here. Sorry. We can go out somewhere? We can go to this place nearby, it’s pretty cool, well I haven’t been but my manager goes there a lot and he doesn’t mind it at a-”

“-No.” Yeongjin cut him off and closed the heavy coffee table book with a thud that made Hanbin jump. He stood up and folded his arms too.

“I’ll live.”

 

***

 

He was halfway through the album and now speeding down a freeway just outside Seoul. He'd decided that the quiet district hadn’t been the right setting. The album made him want to drive fast down a dark highway, blasting music freely from his windows, with his free hand resting on the knee of someone sexy. That was until the tone of the album changed. There were ten tracks altogether and the first five had been electrifying.

Now the current track was sad and Bobby knew straight away who Hanbin’s lyrics were referring to. His heart sank and he almost turned the music off. But something kept him listening and kept him driving. Bobby felt like he owed it to him. Emotions rose and fell in his chest like waves. 

 

***

 

Hanbin couldn’t handle Yeongjin’s direct, sullen gaze. He could hardly believe he was here, somewhere as mundane and domestic as his humble loungeroom. It wasn’t fitting, Yeongjin belonged in a decaying industrial building, lit up with neon lights, and half-hidden in smog. Or in a dark urban alleyway, standing under a streetlamp, his sharp features lit up mysteriously like a film noir gangster.

Yeongjin took a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, took out a smoke and was just about to light up when suddenly he seemed to change his mind. He stuffed the cigarette back into the box and gave Hanbin a piercing stare from under his brow.

“You know what? I’m going to be upfront with you.” Yeongjin informed Hanbin who held his breath, realising what was about to come next, “Why’d you bolt the other day? I was just about to get your number and you bolted. What the fuck’s up with that, man?” Yeongjin asked angrily.

Hanbin’s heart began to race even faster. Had Yeongjin honestly been so annoyed by his bolting that he had skated to his house at midnight two weeks later to confront him about it? Alarm bells went off in the back of his mind, but it was like they were on silent and all he saw were the flashing lights.

“I know, I know it was really shit of me,” Hanbin prattled.

“Yeah. It was pretty shit.” Yeongjin agreed, striding towards him, his eyes piercing his. “Because you know, I really thought I had you down, knew what kind of guy you were…I really didn’t think you were the type to play games…” Hanbin blanched.

_Play games? Me? No, no, no…_

“…but then you go and “lose” my business card…then you go and “lose” it again…then next thing you’re turning up to watch me skate…and just as I am about to get your number…you run!” Yeongjin shook his head, smiling bitterly at the absurdity of it. Hanbin had sunk into a mortified stupor. He needed to explain, he couldn’t let Yeongjin think he was the type to play games. Hell, he didn’t even know what a game was. This was all a big misunderstanding and it was all stupid Namkyu’s fault!

“I can expl-”

“-So,” Yeongjin cut him off again and took another step closer, “I want to know Hanbin what the fuck’s going on? Because I think…” Yeongjin froze. He had spotted something behind Hanbin and his eyes narrowed in disbelief. Hanbin spun around to his horror he realised Yeongjin had noticed the Vogue Korea magazine on the kitchen bench behind him…the pages open, displaying his photoshoot. Yeongjin strode over to the kitchen bench, snatched up the magazine and glared at the glossy pages featuring his bare body…

 

***

 

The second last song was drawing to a close and Bobby wanted to savour the last song and give it his full attention. When the song finished he paused the car stereo before the last song could start and took a turn off the highway down a dark path.  He had no idea where it led but he was in the mood to be spontaneous. It opened up onto a large carpark that was at this time of night completely deserted and barely lit by a few streetlights. Beyond the carpark was a jetty but instead of the jetty opening onto a vast expanse of sea as one would expect, it opened up onto a huge shipping port on a peninsula that swung out from the coast some kilometres further ahead. He took in the strange, slightly eerie sight of the huge cranes all glowing with lights, some constant, some flashing. There were mountains of shipping containers, and monstrous container ships ready to set sail, all set glowing in a metal, industrial haze against the foreboding nights sky. It wasn’t the beautiful look out he was expecting but he was too anxious to wait any longer to listen to the final track.

Bobby parked his car in the spot nearest to the jetty and pressed play.

 

***

 

Hanbin died. Or tried to. He wanted to wither and crumble into sand on the spot so he wouldn’t have to bear this horrifying moment a second longer. But it was taking too long and he started tossing up whether to run for the door. Watching Yeongjin stare at the magazine pages had to be the most embarrassing, excruciating, awkward, horrendous moment of his life. Surely this was a hidden camera and stupid Namkyu was going to burst out of the pantry and start laughing any second. There was no way he could recover from this otherwise. He wanted to explain that Nam had put it there to tease him but he knew that Yeongjin wasn’t going to believe that for a second. He was fucked.

Yeongjin finally looked up from the magazine and gave Hanbin a deadly look that froze him to the spot in a state of nervous paralysis.

“So you wanna check out my photoshoot but you can’t pick up the phone and give me a call??” Yeongjin threw the Vogue down onto the bench with a violence that made Hanbin jump.

“You know what Kim Hanbin, you’re the biggest tease I have met in my entire life.”

If this had been a Korean drama he’d been watching and this was happening to the protagonist, Hanbin knew for sure he would have been laughing his ass off at this point. But it wasn't. This had to be the most absurd, mortifying situation he had ever been in. _He_ , Kim Hanbin, a tease?? A player?? A fuckboi??

_….oh my god you have the wrong idea, this is ALL wrong…!! Namkyu you’re dead, you’re so fucking dead!! This is all your fault!!!_

“So, you _like_ the shoot??” Yeongjin asked sarcastically, approaching Hanbin who found himself backed up against a wall. “Then why don’t you ask for the real thing, huh?!” With that Yeongjin aggressively shrugged off his jacket and threw it over to the couch behind him, then ripped off his t-shirt and tossed it away too. Hanbin’s knees buckled and a panic rose up in his chest like a volcano.

_Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, what’s he doing, oh fuck, no…_

 “I’m going to admit something to you.” Yeongjin’s informed him in a voice that was now unexpectedly shaky. “I don’t chase people who don’t want to be chased, it’s a fucking waste of my time. But I _know_ you’re attracted to me and I _know_ you want me…it’s written all over you face and has been from that first night I met you at the club…” Yeongjin’s words Hanbin felt like a slap, and rapidly he began to feel something within him start to unravel.

“…and because of that I’m in a situation where I can’t _fucking_ let this go. So, here’s the deal. I’m going to give you one last chance Hanbin – if you really don’t want me then you better start running, make it clear once and for all.” Yeongjin stood back and opened his tattooed arms as if to say “go on, I won’t stop you.”

Hanbin didn’t run. He couldn’t run. Nor could he tell Yeongjin to leave him alone. He wasn’t sure he wanted him to. He shook his head feebly and the desire to surrender intensified. He felt like he was being attacked and rescued at the same time.

“No? I thought not.” Yeongjin strode up to Hanbin and each of his arms sprung up on either side of him on the wall, locking him in. Hanbin could feel the angry heat coming off his body and could even smell him, the same hypnotic woody smokiness he remembered from the night at the club.

“So just do it Hanbin, admit it!”

 

***

 

Finally, the last notes faded out. Bobby sat still for a long while, shivers running through his body head to toe. He couldn’t work out what he was feeling, he had hundreds of emotions locked in his chest like caged-in butterflies. There was sadness, relief, terror, desperation, frustration…but most overwhelming and bewildering of all there was joy.

An ecstatic, pure happiness that he hadn’t felt for a long time. He felt like he’d woken up to good news, he’d won the lottery, maybe he’d been promised everlasting joy and happiness, or told that world peace would begin tomorrow.

But it scared him too. An awful fear raised its suspicious voice in the back of his mind but he shut it down swiftly, angrily.

_No! No fucking way. Stop. It’s not that. Quit it!!_

He was now feeling panicky again, almost feverish. He got out of the car and the cold air hit him like a punch and it did nothing to calm down his racing heart and the strange hungry yearning that had now taken over his stomach. He paced anxiously along the jetty as black waves, bearing reflections of the bright orange and yellow lights of the shipping port, lapped the sides. Wind whipped his hair and he tried to get a grip on himself.

Was he sick? Was he going crazy? He took out his phone to call Jinhwan but just before he pressed call he put it away again. Then he wanted to call his mum but he did the exact same thing. He put the phone away, feeling like this was something only he could get through himself. He hid his face in his shaking, cold hands and let out a confused moan.

_Bro, what’s wrong with you??? What the fuck is happening?? You going crazy bro??_

Then suddenly, as he dropped his hands and exposed his scared face to the cold winter air once more, the terrible thought he’d pushed away just moments before came hurtling at him like a shot from a cannon. He stood there at the every end of the jetty in shock for a moment, and then realised that the port in all its ugliness was actually incredibly beautiful. It was breathtaking.

 

***

 

“Admit what?” Hanbin croaked.

“You’re going to admit what you feel. You want me!” Yeongjin pounded his bare chest with his fist, refusing to break his eye contact with Hanbin. “Say it!”

“I-I want you,” Hanbin stammered. Suddenly something released violently within him, spreading from head to toe, like a drug injected intravenously in one massive rush. It was desire and it had destroyed in a split second any impulse he had to resist Yeongjin for a moment longer. Hanbin couldn’t run, hide or avoid it anymore, he’d been worn down. And the terrifying truth was he didn’t want to. He wanted Yeongjin, badly. So badly he’d thought he would die if he didn’t get it. Sensing his surrender Yeongjin took one of his hands from the wall and cupped Hanbin’s face. His thumb caressed Hanbin’s lips.

 “Say you want me to kiss you.”

“I want you to kiss me,” Hanbin barely finished his sentence before Yeongjin had closed that small gap between them and pressed his mouth passionately to his. Yeongjin’s firm tongue in his mouth and powerful hands gripping him by the hips reminded him in one split second just how much he’d missed… _this_. He’d forced himself to forget it for nearly two years, the heady, erotic rush of being desired and desiring someone back. The feel of his body aching with need for someone else. The desperate, urgent, satisfaction of sex. When Yeongjin pulled away he was a trembling, hungry mess. He didn’t want Yeongjin to stop and he held Yeongjin’s tattooed arms tight. Yeongjin smirked and Hanbin realised he’d been right all along to keep chasing. He’d wanted Yeongjin from the moment he’d first laid eyes on him, and that was why he had kept running away.  

“Say you want me to fuck you.”

“fuck me,” Hanbin rasped, “please.”

Yeongjin kissed him again harder than before, and the next thing he knew they were staggering their way to his bedroom, taking their clothes off as they went and not giving a damn where they left them.  

 

***

 

Bobby wandered shakily back to the car with a smile on his face and happy tears streaming down his cheeks. He sat down lightly on the hood of his car and tossed his head back, his hair now salty flying around in the wind. He noticed some stars in the velvety black sky and that made a new wave of tears run faster. He chuckled dopily at himself, looking out across the port as he came to terms with the incredible reality of the situation in which he had once again found himself.

He wasn’t sick or going crazy, there was nothing wrong with him. He was in shock because he’d never expected this to happen. It had been the opposite of what he’d wanted these past two years. But _somehow,_ despite the fact it made no sense, that it was the exact opposite of what he’d wanted just a month ago, that he couldn’t properly explain it, and that he was certain it was going to cause him pain somewhere along the way…all he knew was that he had _once again_ fallen blissfully, hungrily, adoringly, desperately in love with Kim Hanbin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****************************NOTE TO READERS***************************
> 
> I have written a blog post about the inspiration behind Yeongjin on aff. I wrote it because quite a few readers were asking if he was based on someone, one of the readers guessed correctly and then I thought ok, may as well put it all out there. It contains a lot of pretty pictures @_@ You can read it here if you wish: https://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1218411
> 
> thank you for reading xx


	8. Night and Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ineffable
> 
> (adj.) Too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words
> 
>  
> 
> Palliate
> 
> (v.) To relieve or lessen without curing; to mitigate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, it took me a while to write this. I hope you enjoy xx

Bobby turned on the ignition with his heart pounding in his chest and a ridiculous smile plastered on his face. He needed to see Hanbin immediately. He loved him and that was that. He reversed wildly with a screech of tires and headed for the highway, ignoring the road rules and cutting through the empty carpark away from the jetty. He made a mental note to return to there sometime, it was now a place forever branded into his history. It was the place he realised he’d fallen in love with Hanbin for the second time.

As he drove back down the highway to Seoul he played _B.I._ from the beginning again, this time unafraid and full of joy. This time all Hanbin’s lyrics meant something beautiful. All the anger, sorrow, frustration, excitement…it was all a testament to what they had been and felt towards each other. It was all love just in different agonising forms. Every word, every beat was incredible.

There was hardly anyone on the dark highway barely lit by streetlights and Bobby drove fast, perhaps faster than he should have. He felt so ecstatic he wanted his car to lift off from the highway like a plane from a runway and zoom over the city. He’d land on Hanbin’s roof and then swing in through a window and surprise him. Hanbin’s face would be so shocked but then he’d pull him into his arms and tell him everything he needed to know.

_I know I’ve put you through a lot of pain but please listen to me. I love you. I love you so freaking much and I know you’re my soulmate. Let’s get back together and make this work. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.._

Hanbin would be stunned and his face would go all blank except for the doubt behind his eyes that Bobby knew was inevitable. But then Hanbin would see from his shaking hands and his smile that he was telling the truth, that he loved him again. Then they would kiss, oh god they would kiss. Then they’d fall onto Hanbin’s bed and tell each other how much they’d missed each other as they took off their clothes…

Ok, the car flying bit wasn’t going to work and breaking into Hanbin’s house would be creepy, Bobby chuckled to himself. But everything else would work he was sure of it. As he took the turn that led him back to the heart of the city he started wondering how on earth he was going to explain to Hanbin his change of heart. How could he make Hanbin believe him? After all he’d only friend-zoned him just over a month ago…

If Bobby was honest with himself he didn’t exactly know how to explain what had just happened either. The happiness and yearning he was feeling was distracting him and clouding his judgement. He was high on love, off his face drunk on it. As he made his way to Hanbin’s district he tried to weed through his racing thoughts for some kind of truth or explanation.

_What had happened, why’d we break up in the first place? Let’s start there…_

Well Hanbin’s decision to go solo had been the catalyst but really Bobby had known all along that had just been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Their relationship had been in trouble for months, possibly over a year, but only Bobby seemed to notice it. Hanbin hadn’t been able to see the storm clouds gathering from behind his computer screen. Then when the scandal hit, Bobby broke. But looking back made him think that maybe for sometime before the scandal he’d stopped being able to see Hanbin’s good points. He didn’t realise at the time it had happened, it just did. Maybe at some point all he’d been able to see were his flaws, anxieties, worries and insecurities. Maybe that had been the real problem and it had just been building up for a long time and Hanbin’s decision to go solo had simply been the last straw that had made him fall out of love?

Maybe this past month was all he had needed – a chance to see Hanbin once again at his very best, a reminder of why he had fallen for him in the first place. Seeing Hanbin in the zone, rapping, dancing and leading the trainees had done something to Bobby. He was just so incredible and strong. Hanbin made him want to be a better person, to keep working as hard as he could, to keep pushing ahead…and that was one of the best feelings in the world.

But he had other theories too…

Maybe, as cruel as it was, he just needed to see Hanbin struggle without him? Maybe it was seeing Hanbin suffering without him had been the proof he needed to believe that Hanbin _did_ love him, even if he hadn’t acted like it for those awful months before the breakup. Or maybe it was the opposite. Maybe he’d needed to see that Hanbin could stand on his own two feet before he could respect him again. Sure Hanbin wasn’t exactly in a great place emotionally and socially, but he was killing it professionally, the album was totally lit. So he _could_ stand on his own two feet if he really wanted to…

But maybe he’d never even fallen _out_ of love with Hanbin? For Bobby that was the trippiest idea of all. Maybe he’d just needed a break…he needed some time to de-stress. Maybe he had soaked up all Hanbin’s anxiety and let it crush him and _that_ had been his mistake. He’d let Hanbin’s fears trick him into being anxious and fearful too…he’d given up on them and been too scared and tired to try and work through their problems…

Maybe, even during the whole time after the breakup, during those depressing months in Seoul where he couldn’t go anywhere without thinking about it, and then even during those busy, hectic, wild months in America, he’d still loved Hanbin deep, deep down. It was just that those feelings had frozen or something, waiting for the right time to thaw and be dealt with.

Well whatever the reason for his change of heart Bobby knew it wasn’t going to change again. Hanbin was his soulmate and he was going to fight to make things work, that was the beginning and end of the story.

He pulled up outside Hanbin’s house and stared at the front door, his heart throbbing madly. He got out his phone and brought up Hanbin’s number, just noticing how late it was. It was 2:45 am. He looked over at the house again. The lights were off, Hanbin was probably in bed asleep…

 

***

Hanbin was sitting up in bed taking in the surreal sight of Yeongjin standing at the window, completely naked, smoking a cigarette. He was mostly in darkness as they hadn’t bothered to turn on the light. Moonlight slanted through the window and across Yeongjin’s body, highlighting a few streaks of tattooed skin. The smoke from his cigarette rose lazily through the air.

Hanbin could hardly believe what had just happened. He’d just had sex with someone other than Jiwon. It was the first time and it had been…well…it had been a lot of things. It had happened in such a lust-filled blur there were only a few small details Hanbin could recollect clearly: Yeongjin pushing him backwards onto the bed and standing above him, removing his belt with a business-like fury; Yeongjin reaching down and yanking off his jeans then pinning him down, both his arms outstretched on the bed; how powerful and taut Yeongjin’s body felt crushing his as they rolled around; how surreal it was to be in someone’s arms after such a long, lonely time; the teasing sensation of Yeongjin kissing the insides of his thighs; the moment when Yeongjin stopped teasing him and finally, _finally_ let him-

Yeongjin had noticed he was staring. Without breaking eye contact Yeongjin turned his head towards the window and exhaled a cloud of smoke with a satisfied smirk, his cigarette dangling from his long fingers. Yeongjin was no longer tense, he’d calmed down and was back to his cool, indifferent manner. Hanbin knew he probably looked like an awe-struck fan who’d somehow managed to bang their favourite celebrity and now had no idea what to do, but he couldn’t help how Yeongjin made him feel. He wondered how it was possible for someone to have the same physical and emotional effect on him as performing his first comeback stage as B.I. whilst high on a supersized energy drink.

Yeongjin finished his cigarette. He stubbed it out on the sill, opened the window and tossed it out into the night. He strode languidly towards Hanbin on the bed, kicking up his boxers from the floor with his foot and catching them as he went. Hanbin’s heart lurched. It was so hard to predict Yeongjin and his moves, everything he did was so intuitive and Hanbin didn’t know him well enough yet to understand his desires and impulses.

_Does he want another round? Is he going to stay here tonight? Are we going to talk till morning? Is he going to spoon me??_

But Yeongjin simply slipped on his boxers and sat down next to Hanbin on the bed.

“What’s the time?” He asked Hanbin as if it was probably around midday so they should start thinking about where they’d want to go for lunch.

Hanbin had to reach down to the floor to grab his jeans, his phone was in the pocket. He shyly tried to hold the sheets over his lap in place but Yeongjin reached the jeans first and passed them to him with an amused smile. Hanbin murmured a soft thank you as his cheeks turned hot and took out his phone.

“It’s 2:45am.”

“I have to go but listen, I need to say something.” Hanbin held his breath as Yeongjin turned to face him. “I’ve wanted this for a long time. This might be surreal for you, but trust me, this is a hell of a lot more surreal for me…” Yeongjin smiled ruefully. “So from now one there’s going to be no more running away, no more games. We’re doing this and if it doesn’t work out? Cool, that’s fine by me. But we’re doing this, we’re giving it a shot.”

Hanbin nodded, too moved by Yeongjin’s suddenly earnest words to do anything otherwise. Yeongjin leant forward and softly pecked his upper arm, a surprisingly tender, protective gesture. Hanbin felt himself melt like butter and suddenly he didn’t want Yeongjin to go. He wanted him to stay and be soft and gentle with him, he wanted more of that side so desperately he felt a yearning strangle his throat. Yeongjin had just fucked him but now he wanted him to make love to him…but Yeongjin stood up.

“Where the fuck’s my shirt?”” Yeongjin muttered walking out the bedroom door. Hanbin sat dazed for a moment, finally shook his head to collect himself and began to pull on his jeans. He needed to see Yeongjin to the door.

 

***

 

Bobby had been sitting in his car outside Hanbin’s place with his thumb hovering over his phone number for several minutes now. Although he was still bursting with excitement and longing something was holding him back from calling, he was having second doubts. It wasn’t that he didn’t _want_ to speak to Hanbin immediately. He was positively dying to get out of the car and bellow his feelings out loud into the street.

But he was also sobering up from his love drunkenness, rationality was returning. He was thinking now that maybe Hanbin wouldn’t appreciate this –suddenly turning up in the freakin’ middle of the night to tell him he loved him again. The lights were off and he was probably asleep. Not even Hanbin would be working this late into the night just after finishing a survival show. On top of that Bobby was feeling awkward about ambushing Hanbin at his home again. The last time he’d done that was to friendzone him…maybe it was a bad idea doing it like this again, it had bad associations and Bobby couldn’t help it, he’d always been a bit superstitious.

But Bobby also knew how Hanbin worked. What kind of mental state was Hanbin in after a survival show? Usually exhausted, emotionally drained, irritable and sensitive. How was Hanbin after a survival show in which he’d had to work alongside his ex? All of that plus _more_ , Bobby acknowledged disappointedly to himself in the car, staring longingly at Hanbin’s front door.

Maybe he needed to leave more time…wait for Hanbin to recover from _Fast Forward_ and catch up on some sleep. Then see him again when he was in a well-rested frame of mind and tell him how he felt..

_Maybe I should give him some time to process…sort some of his feelings out...maybe we should take things slow…not rush into things again…we want it to last this time, no burning out like before…_

Bobby sighed put his phone away. It was 3:00am. It almost killed him but he knew it was the right, non-stupid thing to do.

_We’re gonna take things slow, set things up to last. We’ve got a lifetime left together so what’s the rush?_

He started the ignition of the car even though it felt like his heart was tearing from his chest, drove slowly to the end of the street, and headed home. 

 

***

 

Yeongjin didn’t seem to feel the cold of the early morning as he stood on the threshold of Hanbin’s doorway, his leather jacket slung over one shoulder, his skateboard in his other hand.

“I’m back from Osaka not tomorrow but the next day. I’ll come by.”

“Ok, cool. That sounds great, awesome…” Hanbin cursed his stupid mouth that kept talking and talking.

“I think I’ve earned your number by now…” Yeongjin smirked and passed Hanbin his phone. It was 3:15am. Hanbin entered in his number correctly, wondering whether this was going to be a terrible mistake or the start of a whole new era. In the darkness Yeongjin’s high, prominent cheekbones made him look slightly skull-like, but then he leant forward into the light of the doorway to kiss Hanbin deeply and the eeriness was gone. Yeongjin wandered down to the front gate and Hanbin followed feeling a bit like a child.

“See ya,” Yeongjin gave him an ironic smile accompanied by another heart-stopping wink. He then stepped off the pavement onto the road, slipped his board down under his feet and sailed off down the dark suburban street. Hanbin watched him cruise around a corner, his body slanting, and then he gone.

Hanbin closed the front gate and despite the cold he felt the need to cling onto it for support for a few minutes. He pressed his forehead against the cold metal mesh and the thoughts of Jiwon came tumbling back immediately. He felt a moment of despair but then he reminded himself Yeongjin would be back and that he was finally on the right track. He told himself there was no need to panic and for the first time in a long time he actually believed it.

_I’m moving on now. I’m really doing it. There’s no going back now…only forwards._

***

 

Bobby had barely stepped through the front door of his parents’ house when his mother noticed the change.

“Jiwon! What is it?” She asked excitedly, taking him into her arms for a big hug. He laughed and hugged her back warmly. He’d wanted to surprise her but what was the use, she could read his mind without him even having to open his mouth.

“I have good news…kinda scary too, but good. I think.”

As Bobby helped set the table just for the two of them, his Dad was out, his Mum watched her son from the kitchen curiously. He hadn’t looked so happy for months, there was a soft happy glow about him, a lightness that made him extra handsome. The last time she’d seen her son look this free had been on a beach in L.A. a few months back when they’d gone over to the States a second time to visit him. It had been just after he’d released his mixtape and he’d bounced joyously into the waves and wrestled with his brother there for hours. It had been a relief to see him so happy after those terrible months post the breakup. 

They sat down to eat and his mother couldn’t help herself.

“You’ve met someone, haven’t you.”

“No…”

“You’ve re-met someone” she giggled teasingly. Bobby froze and looked up at her.

“How did you know?” Bobby stared at his mother wide-eyed.

“I can always tell when Hanbin is in your heart again, he has a strong presence wherever he goes.” Bobby smiled at his mother’s mysticism, but he also acknowledged that was a grain of truth to her observation. Hanbin did have a strong presence, it was so strong it made Bobby's heart throb and his chest ache with adoration. 

“So you’re back together?! I’m really glad baby, because you know what? From the moment you first mentioned Hanbin, just his name, I _knew_ he was your soulmate. I just _knew_.” She smiled so triumphantly it made Bobby’s heart swell, she was so cute and supportive. But goddamn was she a psychic or something??

He’d suspected his Mum was a psychic from a young age, but one particular skype session he'd had with her years ago as a trainee had confirmed it in his mind forever...

 

It was towards the very end of his first year as a trainee and he was using a computer in q recording room on a Saturday morning, their usual time to chat. He’d been blabbing on about training and how much Hanbin was helping him with the hard dance moves.

“So basically, I couldn’t do this one part, like, Mum, it’s so hard I want to die! I have to get up from the floor and jump into the _air_ whilst twisting at the same time! I have already sprained my ankle like, five times. Hanbin keeps showing me, I feel sorry for him, he’s had to show me like _eighteen_ times and I still can’t get it and-”

“-and when are you planning to tell him, baby?” His Mum interrupted with a fond smile on her face. Bobby was taken aback and he felt a blush creep into his cheeks.

“Tell him what…?”

“I think my Jiwon’s in love…” She said in a teasing but affectionate sing-song voice.

Bobby looked down at his hands. He was fiddling with the snapback Hanbin had lent him for the day. He loved it because it smelt of Hanbin’s hair. But how had his Mum known…

“Have I been really obvious or something? The way I keep talking about him?” he asked, smiling bashfully.

“Yes, you have been really obvious! And it’s so cute!” His mother cooed as he hid his face in his hands, half-laughing half-cringing. “But it’s not obvious in the way you talk about him. It’s in the way you talk about yourself. The closer you have become to him the more positive you have been about yourself…He makes you feel good about yourself, doesn’t he? He inspires you.”

Bobby nodded and finally looked up from the snapback. He couldn’t hold it in a moment longer.

“I don’t know what to do Mum. I love him so much.”

“Do you want to tell him??” She asked excitedly. He loved the way his Mum could become his best-friend so effortlessly.

“Yeah…really bad but I’m worried. I don’t know yet if he like me back…sometimes I think he does and other times I think I’m going crazy thinking that he likes me…”

“Give it time.”

“Give it time? You mean he might start to like me?”

“Just give it time. No need to rush baby. You’re going to be at YG for a while yet, I know it.”

“But what if I don’t stay at YG…what if I’m not good enough??” Bobby whined nervously.

“Hanbin won’t let you leave. He’ll make sure you stay.” His Mum smiled innocently enough but Bobby was surprised by her insight into Hanbin’s character. She’d never met him, all she’d ever heard about him was through his own words here on skype. He didn’t know what was more touching, that fact that she’d grown to trust Hanbin just as he had, or that she’d heard the trust and adoration in his words long before even he had.

“Just give it time then Mum?”

“Wait and see. If you’re meant to be, it will be. Give it time.”

 

…So, his Mum really did have the sixth sense when it came to his love life Bobby mused, staring at his mother appreciatively across the dining table. 

“Well, we’re technically not back together. Yet…I only realised how I felt a few days ago. I listened to his album, Mum, and like, everything I felt for him came back to me. I know he’s complicated and he’s got problems…but I’ll take them again with the good, because I think he’s the only one for me. I think we’re meant to be. If I can fall back in love with him after two years....surely that means something, right.”

“Yes his album is good, isn’t it,” was his Mum's reply.  He gave her an incredulous look and She shrugged jovially. “What?? I was curious, I wanted to hear his solo work…I wanted to support his career. Don’t look at me that way Jiwon!” His Mum warned.

Bobby wasn’t angry, he was laughing really hard. Of course, his Mum had bought Hanbin’s album and listened to it like a devoted fan. Of course.

“No, I am very happy to hear this,” she said smiling, taking his hands across the table. “You know I always believed you were meant for each other. He’s the only one for you, you are similar enough to understand each other, but different enough to surprise each other. The perfect balance. You went through some time apart, but maybe that was necessary. Maybe you just outgrew each other for a while, and needed some time to do your own growing as individuals.”

“And let me guess? Now you want to know the exact date and time we’re getting back together don’t you?” Bobby teased his mum.

“Of course I do! I want to know when I can call Hanbin my son-in-law again!” Bobby cracked up at his mother’s earnestness but he was so happy he thought he’d explode. And those words…son-in-law…they sounded so unbelievably good…No, no, what the fuck, he was really getting ahead of himself now.

He helped his Mum wash up even though she tried as always to wave him away from the kitchen.

“No Jiwon! Go relax! When you come here you are my child and _I_ take care of _you_!” He gave up only because he was distracted and sat at the kitchen bar top.

“I actually don’t know when to tell him…or how. I don’t know if I can even form all the words I need to…it’s so complicated…I dunno.” His Mum looked at him thoughtfully.

“How about you write him how you feel…write it the way you do a song? Give it to him to read? That will move him I think.”

Bobby liked that idea. He liked it because maybe it would suit Hanbin who didn’t do well with big, unexpected emotions. That way he could leave the it with Hanbin who could read it as many times as he needed to process it and come to terms with it all. Hanbin would read his words and see the effort he’d gone to be honest with him, he would be able to read the love he felt for him without being overwhelmed by a verbal confession. 

_Yeah, that’s what I’ll do…I’ll write it as soon as I get home…_

“Oh baby!” His mother said interrupting his thoughts. “Can I tell your father? Pretty please!”  Bobby smiled and nodded.

“Sure, Mum. You can tell him.”

"He'll be so glad. He loved Hanbin's album too.."

 

***

 

Hanbin was in his studio in a nervous state. It was Wednesday afternoon and he’d finally received the text that he’d been waiting for. Yeongjin had arrived at Incheon from Osaka and was on his way over. He couldn’t do anymore work now, it was pointless. He shuffled around the studio looking at himself nervously in reflective surfaces, preening and fluffing his hair self-consciously. He decided what he was wearing, a long t-shirt and scruffy jeans wasn’t cool enough and raced to his room to change to something more alluring. However, before he could pull his shirt off his phone rang. Yeongjin was now one of those people who didn’t have to ring his doorbell.  

_What even?!!? How did this happen?!?!_

He skidded downstairs and opened the door. There was Yeongjin in all his glory. It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t a hoax.

“Hey, come in…” Hanbin smiled.

Yeongjin sauntered leisurely through the front door with a smile and went through to the loungeroom. Hanbin followed him scratching his arm shyly. His stomach was fluttering and in the back of his mind he couldn’t help wondering if they were going to end up sleeping together again. He couldn’t help it, he was hungry for more. Yeongjin had awoken his libido and he’d barely slept the past two nights because of it. There was too much adrenalin racing through his body.

“How was Osaka?” he asked trying to sound naturally curious, not the information-starved-gremlin he actually was.

“It was _sick_.” Yeongjin grinned flashing his white teeth. “Just two days of non-stop skating while the photographers run around doing their thing, a five-minute interview, a few autographs and I walk away with a shit tonne of cash.”

Hanbin couldn’t yet pinpoint Yeongjin’s sense of humour. He seemed paint himself as a nonchalant and rather shallow person, and the ironic smile that accompanied his jokes neither confirmed or denied that as the truth. But there was also something very disciplined about the way Yeongjin approached his work and talked about skating. He made it seem like a hilarious little side-gig but Hanbin could feel his ambition a mile away. It took one to know one, and if there was one thing Hanbin knew about Yeongjin it was that he was a perfectionist.

Hanbin remembered the alcohol, he hadn’t wanted to be caught without anything to give his guest a second-time round.

“Do you want something to drink? Soju? Scotch?” Hanbin asked as he walked towards the cabinet in the kitchen he kept the alcohol.

“Did you just buy this?” Yeongjin smiled taking the bottle of imported Johnnie Walker scotch from Hanbin, raising his brows in surprised approval. Hanbin had literally gone into a liquour store the day before and asked for a crash course in scotch so he’d know what Yeongjin was talking about in the future. It turned out scotch was a _type_ of whisky. Hanbin had thought they were two different things…

“Um, yes.” Hanbin laughed and Yeongjin read the label with a soft, lop-sided smile. Was he touched? Hanbin’s stomach fluttered again. Yeongjin put the bottle down and looked up at Hanbin. The smile was gone.

“Did you think of me when I was away?” he asked without a hint of irony. Hanbin blushed at the question and tried to summon a suitable reply. Yeongjin walked around the kitchen counter and took Hanbin by hips. “Because I thought of you. I don’t stop thinking about you.”

“Yeah I thought of you…” Hanbin replied breathily, “I can’t stop either…”

“Good thoughts, bad thoughts, or naughty thoughts?”

“All the above.” They both smiled and suddenly the space between was full of potential for contact.

“Good answer,” Yeongjin chuckled. He pulled Hanbin towards him with one arm so their hips pressed together firmly and took Hanbin’s face in his other hand.

Kissing Yeongjin again was nerve-wracking and satisfying at the same time and Hanbin’s desire started to intensify. His mind began to race with images of things to come and he wrapped his hand around the back of Yeongjins’ tattooed neck, wanting him to kiss him deeper. But Yeongjin ended the excruciatingly good kiss sooner than Hanbin expected and looked at him curiously.

“I have a question, do you work here? Or do you only work at the label headquarters?”

“Oh, I work here,” Hanbin stammered, caught off guard by the tame question. “I have a studio here, it’s upstairs in the loft…”

“Can I see it?” Yeongjin asked, a hint of excitement underlying his calm tone.

“Yeah sure,” Hanbin grinned feeling happy but also surprised.

When Hanbin opened the door he was pleased to find the setting sun was filling the studio with a pleasant peachy glow and the room looked pretty and neat. Thankfully it had also been cleaned just last week by Namkyu as an act of repentance after Hanbin had furiously scolded him for tricking him into strolling into Yeongjin’s skatepark. He’d even thought to water the pot plants so they were looking lively and fresh again.

Yeongjin wandered over to the little bookshelf his Mum had set up for him to display the various music awards he and iKON had won over the years. Yeongjin stared at each individual trophy and read the inscriptions, his long fingers gently touching each bronze and glass statuette as if to check if they were real. He then strolled over to Habin’s desk, his fingers trailing over the headphones and the notebook that was open facedown on the keyboard. He turned to look at Hanbin with wide-eyes.

“Is this where you wrote your album, at this desk?”

“Oh, some of it. I guess I started writing each song in all different places, like there is no strict time or place when I get ideas for songs…but yeah, I finished quite a few songs here. At least the lyrics and guide track. Then I’d take it to the recording studio, play it for producers and go from there…”

“Cool.” Yeongjin nodded and looked around again eagerly. “You spend a lot of time here right, because you work hard.” Hanbin laughed at how serious he was and he shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I do spend a lot of time here…as for working hard, yeah? I guess by normal standards…”

“You’ve always worked hard though…you’re a leader you have to. Can I look at this?” Yeongjin pointed to the notebook on Hanbin’s desk. Hanbin nodded and Yeongjin flipped through it completely absorbed in the notes, lyrics and doodles as if looking for a magic spell.

Hanbin watched him fascinated. It was bizarre seeing this incredibly good-looking and incredibly successful guy in his own field investigate his workspace as if it was holy. The light changed as the sun settled lower and Yeongjin shifted his weight onto another leg as he peered at the notebook, moving into some dazzling light. It made his tattoos glow and Hanbin stared at them in awe. He was like a human covered in stained-glass, a human cathedral. Or maybe a butterfly with intricately patterned wings. Yeongjin finally put down the notebook and gave Hanbin a serious look.

“I want to watch you work sometime. See what you do.”

“It’s far more boring and slow than I think you’re expecting,” Hanbin assured him with a dry chuckle. But Yeongjin didn’t seem to hear him and walked over to the keyboard.

“You play?” he asked, sitting down on the stool and comically posing his hands over the keys as if about to launch into a lengthy concerto.

“Barely,” Hanbin chuckled, “just a few chords Donghyuk taught me ages ago…I really want to learn to play properly though, it’s on my to-do list.” Yeongjin looked up at that.

“Yeah you should. You can never have too many skills. And you’re lucky because you’re the kind of person who can become good at anything if you want to.”

“I don’t know about that…” Hanbin smiled shyly, flattered yet unsure where Yeongjin was getting the information he need to draw such conclusions about his character.   

“What else is on your to-do list?” Yeongjin asked, standing up from the keyboard and approaching Hanbin. Hanbin’s stomach fluttered as Yeongjin stopped in front of him with a smouldering gaze.

“Ahh…I want to learn to rollerskate…” Hanbin stammered.

“What else?” Yeongjin purred.

“Um…cook better. Like become really good at it…”

“And…?”

“Learn Spanish so I can speak the language when I travel South America…”

“What about me. Do you want to do me?” Yeongjin asked with dangerously sexy glint in his brown eyes. Hanbin’s heart began to race irregularly but he was feeling bolder now. Before they'd slept together Yeongjin had made Hanbin feel like a total dork, but now he made him feel attractive, sexy even and he hadn't felt that way about himself for so long. 

“Yeah…that’s on the list, for sure.” Yeongjin smirked then kissed him fiercely. He let Yeongjin walk them over to the white couch where Namkyu had spent so many afternoons stretched out writing press releases. Yeongjin sat down, yanked Hanbin’s hips close and brought his mouth to his abs as if all he wanted was to worship his body forever. Hanbin hoped yeongjin couldn’t feel the tremors running through his body and he grasped yeongjins’ hands over his hips. Yeongjin was under his shirt now, kissing his way down to his pelvis. Hanbin felt a nip near his bellybutton and he jumped in surprise. Yeongjin chuckled sexily against his skin. As Yeongjin began to undo the belt around his jeans Hanbin felt himself start to ache and throb. Yeongjin undid the zipper, freed him and took him into his mouth. Hanbin's head tipped back involuntarily and an inevitable moan began to build in his chest.

He sank his hands into Yeongjin’s silky black hair to hold on for dear life.

 

***

 

“What do you think?” Jinhwan asked for the millionth time. Junhoe groaned in frustration. He was annoyed that what was supposed to be their “romantic Saturday morning sleep-in session” had turned into a “worrying about Double B session.” He flung his arm over his face.

“Why’d you keep asking me? You’ve already decided what you want to do..”

 Jinhwan sat up and swatted his arm in irritation.

“I want you to agree it’s a good idea! We’re supposed to be bringing the team together remember??”

“Then just do it already…” Junhoe whined.

“You don’t think it’s too soon? To see how they are together? Like they’ve worked a whole month together…what if they’re sick of each other..?”

Jinhwan now sounded genuinely anxious and that finally made Junhoe start listening properly. He removed his arm and looked at Jinhwan who was lying next to him leaning on his elbow, staring at his phone concernedly. But Junhoe honestly didn’t know what to do about Bobby and Hanbin. Right from the beginning he’d felt powerless and confused about the whole thing. He wanted the seven of them to get back together desperately, but he hated that Bobby and Hanbin weren’t sorting it out themselves. He couldn’t understand why they hadn’t already just grown up and dealt with it without dragging the rest of them into the mess. And he was angry with the way their issues stressed out Jinhwan…

The five boys had all been watching _Fast Forward_ every week at Jinhwan and Junhoe’s place with the same devotion as the most avid of fans. They hadn’t just been watching for leisure however, they had been watching for signs, anything that would reveal how the two exes were getting along. Both Hanbin and Bobby had been too busy for phone calls during the whole process, let alone in-person catch-ups. So the other boys had had no choice but to transform into amateur body-language experts and try to decode what was going on between them on screen. They agreed that Bobby was definitely acting more gentle around Hanbin than he would have in the past but that Hanbin was impossible to read. He gave nothing away and seemed to focus only on the work, typical.

Now the show was over Jinhwan had been going on and on about whether they should have an original seven catch up to see if Hanbin and Bobby would now be happy to socialise together outside work and to gauge how close they were to all working together again as Ikon. He wanted to know if working together had brought them closer together or further apart…

“I don’t know if they’re sick of each other…they seemed ok on camera? Look, we won’t really know till we ask them..” Junhoe muttered, massaging Jinhwans nape. He didn’t get why Bobby and Hanbin couldn’t have just kept things simple from the start like he and Jinhwan did. Casual but respectful. No strings attached.

“You should really be more invested in this, June,” Jinhwan scolded. “I wish you were more supportive…”He pouted and rolled away to face the wall. Junhoe half sat up in hurt protest, and put his hand on Jinhwan’s waist.

“I do care! Let’s call them then! I’m being supportive! God!”  Jinhwan kept his smile to himself. He loved it when Junhoe tried to make amends after a scolding. He scooted backwards into Junhoe’s arms.

“Ok, I’m going to call Bobby first, let’s see if he’s up for it. Fingers crossed.”

“Ok, I’m right here, I’m listening, I’m listening…”

 

***

_Dear Hanbin,_

_I decided to write a letter to you because…._

 

No, no, no. Wtf. He wasn’t writing to his grandma. It sounded so weird and lame. Bobby crossed out the words on the piece of paper in front of him.

_Hey Bin,_

_I know this is random but please read this letter…_

 

Wait. Bin? Was that too presumptuous? Probably, they hadn’t even been on “friendly” terms for more than a month.

 

_Hey,_

_I have something I need to tell you…_

 

…What the fuck…that just sounded sinister and creepy. Bobby grunted in frustration and paused writing, slumping back into the couch to think things through. Normally he was good with words and wordplay, and especially good at taking a feeling and freestyling it into something energetic and powerful. But this, trying to tell Hanbin how he felt again on paper, it felt almost impossible, yet it also felt like the only way. He was just feeling too much and too hard, he was excited, nervous, desperate to see Hanbin again as soon as possible. Ideally the way to tell Hanbin what he needed to know would be to kiss him, and never, ever let him go.

He urged himself to concentrate but only fragments of sentences appeared in his mind.

_…I know I hurt you badly when I left during your time of need…take me back and let’s start again…I’ll give you all the love I couldn’t give you before I left you...maybe our problems will still be the same but I have the strength again to try to fix them…I want to know if you have that strength too…._

His phone rang next to him on the couch, it was YG and he straightened up.

“Hello Bobby, how are you?” YG asked.

“Very good Sir, how are you?” YG laughed at his polite formalness.

“I’m good Bobby, I’m calling to congratulate you for your role on _Fast Forward_. The public loved you as a coach. They were impressed by your professionalism and touched to see your gentle side when taking care of the trainees. They want to see more of you…so how about we give them an album?” Bobby could hear YG’s smile through the phone and he held in a long, excited yell for joy with great difficulty. While he’d been on the emotional Hanbin rollercoaster he’d almost forgotten about his original reward for taking part in _Fast Forward_ – the solo album.

“That would be _awesome_ ,” he grinned.

“Great, come in this afternoon, and we’ll talk. Tablo will be in. He can't stay for long because he has an appointment in the afternoon but he’s more more than happy to get you started.”

Bobby raced into the YG building after lunch and briefly discussed the album concept he had in mind with YG. He was thankful that YG wasn’t expecting anything set-in-stone, in fact he seemed keen for Bobby to go with the flow and take any direction that unfolded naturally. He quickly shooed Bobby on to greet Tablo who he found in a studio doing some of his own work.

"Bobby!" Tablo greeted him warmly, "would love to catch up man but I'm pressed for time today. Before we get started, how was _Fast Forward_? You two did a fucking great job."

"It was, ah, interesting. And thanks, we tried our best." Tablo raised his eyebrows knowing there was plenty behind bobby's minimal response but there wasn't time to go into it. 

"Ok, ok, we'll catch up soon and you'll tell me everything. But right now we need to talk music. What have you done"

“I’m really sorry…I know last time I saw you I said I would start writing some songs…but I haven’t.” Tablo raised both his hands to silence Bobby and shook his head. 

“All good. How about you just get in there and see what happens. Freestyle it.” Tablo nodded to the sound booth and Bobby felt a warm, hyper feeling come over him. He appreciated how Tablo knew how to cater to his creative style. Avoiding pen and paper was key for him, he just needed to reel things off the top of his head, whatever came to mind.

He stood before the mic with the headphones on and Tablo gave him a beat that was neither too fast nor too slow. It was the same as his heartbeat. He looked over at Tablo who gave him an encouraging thumbs up meaning “good to go.” He closed his eyes, let the beat inject itself into every atom of his being and took a breath.

The improvised words flowed out of him easily and they happened to be all the words he needed to say to Hanbin in his letter. He rapped about love, regret, forgiveness, sorrow and joy. Tablo played along adding layers to the track, including a bass line and some strings. It sounded incredible and perfectly matched the yearning Bobby was feeling in his chest.

When he finally ran out of words he felt electric, like there were live wires in place of all his veins. He looked over at Tablo who’d taken off his sunglasses and was peering at him stunned. He wandered out of the booth now feeling a little shy because he’d just beared his soul to Tablo, but he also knew he didn’t need to apologise.

“ _That_! _That_ is why this album is going to be fucking sensational.” Bobby just beamed, he could see now exactly where this album was going and he liked it. Hanbin wasn’t the only one who could do a confessional album...

“Also I think you've answered some of my questions about the Fast Forward experience,” Bobby blushed by Tablo slapped his back playfully. “I have to go now but keep up the good work. Play around with that track and see what you can make of it.”

“Thanks, man, thanks so much.” Bobby shook Tablo’s hand. Tablo left and Bobby slipped into the zone, only emerging several hours later when the sun had just about set and his stomach was growling for food.

 Bobby left the YG building on a high, everything was coming together and he was thinking about Hanbin. The impulse to not wait a moment longer was taking over again. He just wanted him so badly. His phone began to ring, it was Jinhwan and he sounded nervous. 

“Hey, how do you feel about a group dinner end of next week?”

“Yeah of course. Book me in.”

“I’m inviting Hanbin too.” There was a pause and Bobby could tell Jinhwan was holding his breath on the other end of the line. He didn’t need to worry though because he’d just provided Bobby with the perfect opportunity. The idea was fully formed in his mind in an instant. He’d have dinner with Hanbin and the boys, and then afterwards he’d get Hanbin alone and give him the letter. In his mind it made perfect symbolic sense, everything would come back together at once, the way it should. His stomach leapt happily with butterflies and he began to imagine giving the letter to Hanbin…he imagined his face, his eyes, his lips…him reading the letter and looking back up at him surprised...He couldn’t wait but he had to. He had to keep it together and be patient. He needed to be gentle with Hanbin, there was no rushing him or else he’d run.

_...jesus christ, it's like I'm a fucking hormonal sixteen years old all over again!_

“Yeah, great.”

“Really?” Jinhwan asked, taken aback by Bobby’s immediate acquiescence.

“Yep for sure. look I gotta go but message me the details and I’ll be there.” Bobby wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible before he spilled everything to Jinhwan in one silly gushing go. He was determined to sort things out with Hanbin before telling anyone anything. They’d all been dragged down into their problems for long enough. 

“Seriously...you’re ok with him coming?” Jinhwan confirmed. Bobby just laughed.

“Bye bro, see you soon.”

Bobby hung up and hopped into his car. He wanted to get home fast, he had a letter to write while the words were still fresh in his mind.

 

 

***

 

Namkyu opened Hanbin’s front gate and then the front door to the best of his ability whilst carrying a large box of croissants from the café around the corner. He wasn’t actually sure Hanbin liked croissants but he did and he needed someone to share them with. Hanbin had had a very slow schedule the past week, primarily to accommodate the fact he’d just been through a month of intense coaching and needed a rest. Namkyu had expected Hanbin to be keeping a low profile but nonetheless he'd become slightly alarmed by Hanbin's slow responses to his messages and missed calls since the show ended. Usually Hanbin, replied in good time, but recently he’d had to wait nearly a whole day often before receiving a response and when Hanbin did finally did message him back he was rather vague and his texts were missing the expressiveness Namkyu was used to. He seemed preoccupied. 

Namkyu was ninety percent sure Hanbin had finally forgiven him over the Yeongjin prank, in fact they’d got to the point where they could joke about it. Chortling, he reminded himself  to ask Hanbin how he liked the Vogue Korea as he opened Hanbin’s front door. So he knew Hanbin’s uncharacteristic passiveness wasn’t due to anger.

his main worry was that  Hanbin had sunk into a Jiwon-related depression. He’d given Hanbin a few days to himself to rest but when the slow and short responses pursued he decided that he wasn't going to skip his usual saturday morning visit so he could check on him. 

As Namkyu closed the front door behind him he became aware of Hanbin’s laughter and a sizzling cooking sound coming from the kitchen. The fact that Hanbin’s house wasn’t encased in its usual sleepy Saturday cocoon of silence was the first sign that something unexpected had happened. The second sign was less subtle, in fact it was anything but.

Namkyu walked into the loungeroom and almost dropped the box of croissants as he laid eyes on a completely naked Jang Yeongjin stretched out on a sofa with his hands behind his head, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He froze and stared in a combination of awe and horror.

“Nam!” Hanbin yelped in surprise, spotting his manager doorway complete with bulging eyes and a bright red sheen to his skin.

Namkyu looked over and there was Hanbin in the kitchen cooking something on the stove almost just as naked in a pair of boxer briefs. Hanbin blushed too as he turned off the stove to handle the awkward situation that was unfolding. Yeongjin simply sat up slowly and placed a nearby cushion over his crotch. He gave the manager a facetious bow from where he was seated and Namkyu returned the greeting avoiding eye contact.

“I didn’t know you were coming over today!” Hanbin smiled sheepishly coming out from the kitchen to meet Namkyu in the loungeroom. Yeongjin watched on amused and carried on smoking.

“What do you mean, I always come over on Saturday mornings….”

“What’s this?” Hanbin asked pointing at the box in his managers arms, wanting to change the subject. Hanbin opened the lid of the box of pastries and made an impressed sound in the back of his throat. Hanbin shot a look at Yeongjin, which Namkyu followed, and they exchanged a smile that suggested yet another level of intimacy between them he hadn’t been expecting.

“Do you like croissants?” Hanbin asked Yeongjin. Yeongjin shrugged.

“Never had one, but I’ll take one. I’m hungry as fuck…”

“Thanks Nam,” Hanbin smiled at his manager. He took the box over to Yeongjin who sat up and looked inside.

Namkyu watched in continued shock as Hanbin and Yeongjin joked about which croissant to choose in a language that seemed to be their own.

“Ahhh, Hanbin can I have a chat with you about your schedule for next week?” Namkyu asked politely, interrupting Hanbin and Yeongjin’s joking around. Yeongjin got the message and stood up, lazily holding onto the pillow to hide his modesty.

“I’ll have a shower...” He stubbed his cigarette out on the pastry box lid, took a croissant and headed for the staircase, dropping the pillow as he went. It rolled down the stairs and landed without a sound on the floor. Namkyu made a mental note to never use that pillow again.  Yeongjin’s footsteps disappeared and Namkyu turned to Hanbin for an explanation.

“What on earth is going on?!”

“I know, it’s crazy!" Hanbin conceded giddily, rubbing his face with his hands as if trying to bring himself back to consciousness. "It just happened so fast, I don’t know I can’t even explain!”

“I think you better try,” Namkyu insisted sternly and Hanbin realised he was annoyed.

“What’s wrong, Nam? I thought you wanted me to see him…?” Namkyu didn’t know what to say to Hanbin who was now looking confused. He just couldn’t reconcile the Hanbin he’d known literally up until last week with the one standing before him now...

Firstly, the Hanbin before him was in his underwear…that in itself was strange enough. Secondly, the Hanbin before him was looking sheepish but not because he was ashamed of being caught with a naked guy on his couch, but because he felt bad his manager was feeling awkward, that was all. It was a kind of self-assuredness Namkyu realised, a new-found confidence. Thirdly, there was an energy in Hanbin’s posture and mannerisms that he hadn’t seen before either. The Hanbin he knew was sweet, mischievous, sensitive but world-weary. This new Hanbin was…well there was only one way to say it…he was clearly getting some, he was cocky. Where had the naïve, innocent Hanbin gone, and what had Yeongjin done to him?

“I did want you to date him,” Namkyu acknowledged, raising a finger to make his point, “I just wasn’t expecting things to move so quickly Did this just happen last night or something??” Hanbin blushed and paused awkwardly before he replied.  

“No, um, he’s been here since Wednesday afternoon. He kinda just…stayed.” Hanbin shrugged and giggled. Namkyu stared. Hanbin the shy hermit had just let the guy he’d been running away from for months stay at his house for three nights. It made no sense and now he was really worried in a fatherly kind of way that he knew Hanbin was going to resent.

 “And when’s he going home?”

“Jesus, Nam! he’s not a school friend here for a sleepover!” Hanbin laughed walking back into the kitchen and turning on the stove again to continue cooking. “I don’t know when he’ll go home…when he wants to I suppose…”

“So you like him now. All of a sudden.” Namkyu stated the facts, leaning against the fridge and watching Hanbin cook.

“Well I think I liked him all along…I just…well to be honest I was just a bit of a coward. But I don’t need to justify my love life Nam, c’mon.” Hanbin gave his manager a warning look that told himhe was going too far. Hanbin hated being told what to do, Namkyu knew that much. “I thought you wanted me to be happy and move on. Well here’s my chance.”

“I wanted you to _date_ someone Hanbin, not _move in_ with them after three days.”

“he hasn’t moved in!” Hanbin protested laughingly. “Can you just relax! He’s cool, I haven’t felt this free in a really long time.”

“I just don’t want…” Hanbin turned to look at Yeongjin with disappointment written all over his face and Namkyu felt guilty. Maybe he was being stupid about this. So what if it seemed out of character for Hanbin to suddenly throw himself into an intensely romantic relationship out of the blue with someone who seemed to be his polar opposite. So what he seemed like a different person overnight? Right…?

“What Nam? You don’t want me to get my heart broken?? Well guess what, if that’s the worst that can happen it already has, and I survived it.” Namkyu crossed his arms and sighed.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t come in here and rain on your parade. I just want to look out for you and this just took me completely by surprise. I just never imagined I would ever have the pleasure of seeing Jang Yeongjin naked.” Hanbin snorted with laughter. “When were you planning on telling me by the way?”

Hanbin shrugged and busied himself with moving the food from the pan to the plates on the bench. Hanbin hadn’t even thought about telling anyone about Yeongjin yet. He’d been so absorbed by his company that he hadn’t properly thought of the outside world for the last three days. If he was honest, he was even a little shocked at himself and was still processing everything they had done together so far. It was both disconcerting and exhilarating. Namkyu realised he wasn’t going to get an answer from Hanbin and sighed again.

“Ok, I’ll leave you to it. Just please keep me up to date with your life. You don’t have to give me the gory details, but please, just let me know you’re safe and happy and in good company when you can, ok?” Hanbin beamed at Namkyu’s change of heart. He put down the pan and gave Namkyu an affectionate bear hug.

“I will, don’t worry.”

As Namkyu wandered out the front gate of Hanbin’s house he decided that he’d just overreacted. Hanbin was a grown man and yes, he was unpredictable. But it was his life and frankly Hanbin had been right, he’d wanted him to give Yeongjin a shot and now he was. He just didn’t know why he felt so apprehensive about it. Well, he was going to have to put that aside and accept things for what they were. Hanbin was moving on and that’s all he wanted.

 

Hanbin stared at the plates of food he’d prepared. It looked kind of shit, he’d been distracted by Namkyu’s arrival and now he was sure the meat was overcooked. How had he managed to completely forget that he came over each Saturday…

The last three days had passed in an intense, steamy blur. It had begun on the couch in the studio that Wednesday afternoon…then moved to the bedroom…then to the shower…then to the loungeroom…then to the kitchen…then back to the bedroom…then to Thursday, followed by Friday…and now today. He knew that once yeongjin left the strange manic high he was on would pass and he would crash from exhaustion, however having Yeongjin suddenly appear in his life and break him free of his own head and miserable thoughts had been a revelation.

Yeongjin made him feel alive and indulged him in something he hadn’t experienced for a painfully long, lonely time: intimacy. And fuck, it was good. He’d forgotten what it was like…

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone ringing. It was Jinhwan.

“hey, why didn’t you call me back?” Jinhwan scolded. “I called you three times yesterday.”

“Oh really? Oh sorry..”

“You’ve been sleeping right? Recovering from _Fast Forward_?”

“Yeah exactly,” Hanbin chuckled. If only Jinhwan knew the truth that he’d barely slept at all the past few days…

“Well are you well-rested enough for dinner with the boys soon, say next Friday? We miss you and want to hear about the show.”

“Yeah of course, I miss you guys too, survival shows are weird without you all.”

“Oh um…by the way,” Jinhwan sounded hesitant all of a sudden and was now speaking very quietly. Hanbin had to really listen hard to hear him. “I’ve invited Bobby, he’s coming.” Jinhwan blurted in a rush.

Hanbin opened his mouth to immediately reject the invite but just then Yeongjin came down the stairs in just a pair of shorts, still wiping off his hair and wet chest with a towel. He gave Hanbin a wink, jumped up to sit on a counter next to him and grabbed a plate of food. He smelt of clean, crisp aftershave and his skin shone in the morning light.

Suddenly Hanbin had an incredibly alluring scene playing in his mind like a movie. It featured Bobby and the boys, they were meeting Yeongjin. Hanbin picture their faces, specifically Bobby’s face, as they realised they were dating. An overwhelming desire to show Bobby he’d moved on took hold of him and he knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to play a little prank and it was going to be fucking amazing.

“That’s fine. I’ll be there, we’re cool now. Things are getting better, much better.”

“Really?? I mean, great, awesome. Alright I’ll send you the details, but I’m thinking the BBQ place we love in Gangnam. I’ll let you know.”

“Ok Jinani.”

“Bye!”

The call ended and Hanbin turned to look at Yeongjin who was eating heartily.

“Hey do you like BBQ?” Hanbin asked, feeling his heart thud in anticipation.

“Love it,” Yeongjin replied and continued eating. Hanbin nodded in satisfaction, grabbed his own plate and began to eat. He realised he was starving, absolutely ravenous. As he ate sitting up on the counter next to Yeongjin he began to visualise what next Friday night would look like and how Bobby would respond. He felt a vindication that was intoxicating and he knew it would only get stronger come next Friday. Everyone had felt sorry for him so so long. Namkyu, the boys and especially Bobby. But now he'd show them that finally, _finally_ , it was his turn to move on.

_…You want me to start moving on already, Jiwon? Sure, I’m doing just that. And fyi, it’s going pretty well...in fact, I’m fucking loving it..._


	9. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zemblanity 
> 
> (n.) The inevitable discovery of what we would rather not know; the opposite of serendipity
> 
> Anoesis
> 
> (n.) a state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The word "Ulzzang" will come up a few times in this chapter. Just in case some haven't heard or seen the word before, it basically refers to someone who has become famous for being good-looking, often via instagram. Refer to this: https://www.ulzza.com/whatisulzzang/

“You know what I just realised?” Yeongjin asked putting away his phone. Hanbin looked up from his desk over at Yeongjin who was lazing about on the sofa in his studio.

“What?” Hanbin smiled knowing he was either going to say something witty and sexy or something unexpected and deeply serious. Those were Yeongjin’s two settings and Hanbin loved not knowing which one it would be each time he opened his mouth. 

“I realised that we haven’t been on a date yet. You and me,” said Yeongjin, clearly unimpressed by the situation. Hanbin smiled at him from over at his desk, admiring his long, lean, decorated body. It was still hard to believe Yeongjin was in his life and he kept catching himself staring at Yeongjin from time to time, wondering how and why the hell he was there in his house, spending time with him, eating with him, sleeping with him.

It was kind of unbelievable that two years of self-imposed emotional and physical isolation had been erased in one night by this ridiculously attractive guy. Yeongjin had boldly strolled into his life and demanded to be taken seriously and suddenly he, stubborn-as-hell-Kim-Hanbin, had melted like butter. Now here Yeongjin was, hanging about in his studio almost every day as if it was his. Hanbin had to hand it to him, he knew how to get what he wanted. He just kept chipping away at the marble until it cracked and split right down the centre.

“So, we’re going to work backwards?” Hanbin grinned. “I thought we were past the wooing stage?” Yeongjin nodded, his hands interlocked thoughtfully on his chest.

“Yeah. That’s exactly what we’re gonna do. Because you didn’t give me a chance to do it before, remember?” he reminded Hanbin in a resentful tone. Hanbin blushed. He wondered if he was ever going to live down his cowardly antics, running away from Yeongjin and all that…it was all so embarrassing. He looked back down at the notebook he’d been writing lyrics in with a bashful smile.

Yeongjin heaved himself up from the couch with a sigh, grabbed a chair and swung it over so he could sit next to Hanbin at his desk. He combed one of his large hands through Hanbin’s hair, his fingertips teased his scalp and set off a wave of goosebumps across his neck and shoulders. Hanbin closed his eyes and leaned into the confident caress. Still grasping Hanbin’s hair Yeongjin tilted Hanbin’s head so they could stare into each other’s eyes.

“So, how about it? _Oppa,_ will you go out with me?” Yeongjn pleaded in a babyish tone. Hanbin snorted at Yeongjin’s parody but his heart raced.

“Sure. Let’s date.” Hanbin smirked feeling warm and fuzzy. Yeongjin nodded coolly and released Hanbin’s hair.

“Sweet, but you choose what we do. I want you to take me somewhere you like. I want to see your world.”

Hanbin was stumped because his “world” was actually rather small. That was the price you paid for becoming an idol - you gave up the big, wide ocean and lived in a fishbowl where your label could keep you safe and constantly swimming. There were some places he could take Yeongjin but none of them had the same allure as Yeongjin’s skateparks. All he could think of was the park bench where he’d had _this_ realisation, the tree he’d climbed when he’d had _that_ realisation, the shop he’d been in when he thought of an idea for _that_ particular song…that wasn’t very exciting. Yeongjin noticed he was lost in thought.

“Think about it and I’ll pick you up tomorrow ok? Ten probably. I’ve got to go now.” Yeongjin stood up and stretched making a few cracking sounds like a true athlete.

 “Ok…I’ll plan our ‘date.’”

“Yeah and make it good, it’s our first one after all.” Yeongjin bent down and kissed Hanbin with a sudden fervour, his tongue flicking over his then pulling out just as Hanbin’s blood started pounding in his ears. Hanbin exhaled to calm himself down as the sound of Yeongjin bouncing down the stairs disappeared. He heard the faint sound of the front door close then the metallic clang of his front gate shutting.

It all came back in a nervous, feverish rush. What _it_ was Hanbin wasn’t sure, it was just a messy, flood of a thousand different emotions. The best way he could describe it was “angst” and it came upon him whenever Yeongjin left and he was on his own with his thoughts again. Thankfully Yeongjin didn’t seem to need much time apart.

***

When Yeongjin had left for Busan the same day as his awkward first encounter with Namkyu Hanbin had sunk into an anxious, depressed state, convinced that he was never going to hear from Yeongjin again. Maybe Yeongjin didn’t just look like a bad guy, maybe he was a bad guy, and all he’d wanted was to bang his favourite rapper for a few days then run off with the bragging rights. But when Hanbin received a good morning text the next day he’d been revived and had launched himself into a fruitful, manic work session.

He wrote two songs in two days, each with a guide track, beating his personal production record. The first song was literally Yeongjin in song form. It wasn’t exactly a love song, but it wasn’t just a lust song either. The lyrics were laced with everything going through his mind and body: desire, surprise, relief, excitement. He didn’t know if it was going to be a hit as such but he was excited to bring it to life with the producers, he knew it had potential.

The second song about the anticipation of triumph. Yeongjin almost completely dominated Hanbin’s mind, but the tiny fraction that remained Yeongjin-free was dedicated to work and imagining how Bobby was going to react when he realised Yeongjin was his date. Bobby had never been able to hide his feelings, he wore each and every single one of them as obviously as a decorative mask. It was satisfying to Hanbin to know that regardless of how Bobby was going to feel about Yeongjin he was going to get a reaction from him no matter what.

Imagining the moment made his stomach do a series of acrobatic flips …first Bobby would stare and his eyes would go wide as he wondered what was going on…then they would narrow with understanding and his smile would fall…his mouth would pop open with a thousand questions…and then finally a blush would fill his cheeks as he realised that he’d gotten it so wrong: there was no need to pity him, he was moving on, just like Bobby wanted him to. And not just that, he was doing it in style…

Hanbin knew it was shallow of him but he couldn’t help taking joy in the fact that his date was so incredibly striking. Not just in physical appearance but also in the way he dressed. Yeongjin, Hanbin had quickly discovered, was incredibly stylish. When Yeongjin returned from Busan two days later he’d dumped several boutique designer shopping bags onto the sofa and pointed at them.

“For _you_ ,” he informed Hanbin, pulling him into his arms and attacking his neck with kisses that ended in nibbles and made him weak in the knees. Yeongjin didn’t seem to know much about the complexities of fashion or even the individual labels. But like his skateboarding he was skilled at looking good in an instinctual way, always managing to pick and wear things that were the right combination of sexy, cool and daring. Yeongjin pointed at another bag.

“For _me_ , for Friday. The first day in Busan it rained so heavy we couldn’t skate so we just went shopping instead.” Yeongjin flumped down on the sofa next to the bags as Hanbin investigated their contents eagerly. Hanbin wanted to look at Yeongjin’s bag first, it was from Tom Ford. He took out the box and opened it finding an incredible dark blue suit inside. Yeongjin was going to look incredible on Friday and images of Bobby and the boys’ shocked faces flashed through his mind.

“You like?” Yeongjin asked. “Too bad, it’s mine. Look at your own gift, Christ.” Hanbin laughed at Yeongjin’s deadpan humour. He opened his own box and inside was a pair of the most impressive pair of Nike Air Jordans he’d ever seen. “They’re one offs and cost a small fortune, so you better thank me good.” Yeongjin slapped his lap with a lazy smile, inviting Hanbin to take a seat.

But Hanbin was feeling shy. He stood in front of Yeongjin rubbing his arm and smiling coyly, touched he’d bought him a gift.  Yeongjin sat up with an impatient groan and pulled him down onto his lap.

“You didn’t have to get those for me…” Hanbin breathed, feeling a desperate need for Yeongjin now he was back in his strong, toned arms. He ran his hands over the images on his Yeongjin’s biceps, admiring their bold intricacy. There was the sailor, the pinup girl, the spider, the quote “I’m already dead” in cursive. He was already so familiar with Yeongjin’s tattoos they were almost like friends, he had an affection for every single one of them. Yeongjin smirked and his hands swept down over Hanbin’s hips, his backside, down the front of his thighs and back up again.

“Don’t be so ungrateful,” Yeongjin grinned, enjoying the fact Hanbin had taken the initiative and was unzipping his jeans. “Just take the fucking gift Hanbin. I’m richer than you anyway. Don’t forget that.”

 

***

 

“You like, clearly.” Yeongjin laughed from the driver seat of the most expensive car Hanbin had ever seen someone drive in real life. It was a black Maserati with caramel-coloured leather seats. Yeongjin had just pulled up in front of his house to pick him up for their date.

“ _Shit_. You are richer than me.” Hanbin murmured half-jokingly, half-seriously as he lowered himself carefully into the car as if it was made of glass. Yeongjin watched Hanbin stroke the leather dashboard and grinned.

“Don’t get too attached, I’m breaking up with this car soon.” Yeongjin quickly checked the rear vision mirror then pulled out from the curb with a smooth caress of the wheel that made Hanbin swoon.

“What do you mean??” He asked recovering from Yeongjin’s sexiness.

“I won this car as part of a comp two years ago. A big sponsor threw it in at the last moment to sweeten the prize.  No one expected me to win, I came in with the lowest rankings, all the other guys just ignored me.” Yeongjin chuckled again. “I showed them though, broke a few records and made the sponsors look. But anyway, in a few weeks’ time I’m auctioning this baby off.”

“Auctioning it off?” Hanbin repeated in disbelief.

“Hey, hey calm down, it’s being auctioned for charity. There’s this fucking awful orphanage just outside Seoul. All proceeds are going to go to the organisation that wants to close it down. Seriously, I can’t wait till that sad, filthy place is gone…poor kids, they looked so miserable it broke my heart.” Yeongjin shook his head and Hanbin stared.

Auctioning his car for charity? Closing down an orphanage? He’d visited the kids there?

It was moments like this when Yeongjin revealed a new completely unexpected side to himself that Hanbin was reminded he still barely knew the guy. Maybe he’d just spent so many years with the same people in the same dorms under the same label that he’d forgotten what it was like to get to know someone completely anew. But he was perpetually fascinated and curious when in Yeongjin’s company because getting to know him felt getting to know a movie character. Hanbin couldn’t explain it but Yeongjin wasn’t the easiest person to extract personal information from. He gave it but never when you asked, you had to observe and wait patiently to piece together his narrative together from the occasional snippet of info he spontaneously dropped here and there.

 “Anyway, where’re we going? Coz I’m just driving anywhere right now….” Yeongjn gestured to the road over the wheel. Hanbin took out his phone to give him directions.

“I’m not going to say yet where we’re going, you’ll just have to wait and see…”

“Sure, baby. I like surprises.”

When they arrived in front of the building after parking Yeongjin stopped on the spot and took off his round lens sunglasses. Hanbin smiled awkwardly, hoping desperately he hadn’t made a terrible mistake.

“It’s an art gallery.” Yeongjin stated.

“Yeah, I really like this one…it’s my one of my favourites in Seoul…”

“Cool.” Yeongjin nodded slowly then looked at Hanbin ruefully, “I’ve never been to an art gallery.”

“What, never?” Hanbin was surprised. Yeongjin shook his head.

“Never been to a museum either.”

“Seriously? Not even with school? Like on an excursion or something?” Yeongjin gave Hanbin a blank look.

“No…and what’s an excursion?”

“It’s…” Hanbin paused completely bemused. This was a fascinating topic but for another time, he was too keen to go inside. “I’ll explain later, let’s go.” Yeongjin shrugged and followed Hanbin in through the clear glass doors. It was a small gallery because Hanbin had been worried about being spotted, he wasn’t sure he was ready for Yeongjin and him to go public yet. Or if he’d ever be for that matter…

Hanbin had only quickly skimmed the description of the exhibition online but now he knew Yeongjin had never stepped inside an art gallery in his entire life he was glad he’d chosen something that was less…theoretical.  It featured a variety of artists who were seeking to interact with “nature,” whatever they defined that to be. The photos had looked interesting but when they went through to the first room Hanbin’s heart sank, it all just black and white photographs of nature. Flowers, stems, fields, rivers…

Yeongjin strolled over to one and peered at it then turned around to Hanbin with another blank expression on his face.

“So, is this what you do? Just look at stuff?”

“Yeah…” Hanbin replied, rubbing the back of his neck feeling awkward. Maybe this date wasn’t going to be as awesome as he envisioned…he should have known Yeongjin wasn’t the art gallery type… he was more into adrenalin rushes…

“Or do they mean something? And I have to work it out?” Yeongjin looked at him intently. Hanbin’s heart fluttered. Yeongjin was earnestly trying to figure out what to do and suddenly he began to wonder about Yeongjin’s early life. What had it been like? who were his parents? Did he have siblings? Where did they live? Did he see them often? He was determined to push for more information the next time a suitable opportunity appeared…

“I mean, they do probably mean something…” Hanbin muttered as he stood next to Yeongjin and peered at the same black and white leaf.

“What do you mean “probably,” isn’t this your thing?” Yeongjin shot him a suspicious side-eye that made him laugh.

“Well to be fair, just because I _like_ art doesn’t mean I _get_ it all the time…to be honest sometimes I just come here for ideas and inspiration. Sometimes new images trigger new ideas and words in my mind which I can use then later for songs and writing…It’s not always this deeply analytical process…you can let it wash over you, just focus on the stuff that makes you think or feel something maybe?”

“Oh. Ok.” Yeongjin nodded. “Should we continue then? Have you looked enough?” Hanbin cringed. Yeongjin didn’t seem to be gelling with the art gallery at all.

“Sure…” The next room was pretty much the same however it did surprisingly contain a tiny Picasso sketch on loan from a museum in Europe.

“Picasso,” Yeongjin muttered, trying out the word for the first time. He pointed at the small sketch. “That looks like a drunk elephant trying to get into his apartment but he can’t because lost his front door key.” Hanbin snorted with laughter. He had to agree it did look a bit like that.

The exhibition took a strange turn from that room onwards. They walked down a dark hallway to the end where a gallery attendant stood with a sign that warned the general public not to enter if they had heart problems, a history with trauma, or if they were pregnant.

“Sick. Let’s go,” was Yeongjin’s response. Hanbin was less keen. The attendant explained what they needed to do.

“Just walk through to the middle of the room, there is nothing in your way on the floor. Stand still and soon a light will flash on once very quickly then it will go dark again. Then the light will come back on and stay on until you exit the room.” Yeongjin strode into the darkness eagerly and Hanbin followed nervously.

“Wait!” Hanbin squeaked, grabbing Yeongjin’s hand just as the attendant closed the door leaving them in complete darkness.

“So what now…?” Yeongjin murmured. Hanbin couldn’t see him at, he could only hear him. It was pitch black

Then the room lit up with a single flash before falling into darkness again. Yeongjin swore and Hanbin screeched. They only saw their surroundings for a second but the it appeared they were in white room that had been swamped in red paint. The walls were covered in red drips and splashes made to look like blood. Hanbin thought he’d noticed something strange about the ceiling but the flash of light happened too fast. When the light came on the second time they both gasped and looked upwards.

Knives hung from the ceiling in a dense mass, their blades pointing downwards as if they were murderous stalactites. Hanbin instinctively covered his head with his arms but Yeongjin walked backwards whilst looking up to admire the sight.

“ _Fuck_. That’s fucking cool! They’re fastened to the ceiling….”

“Ok, cool, let’s go…” Hanbin grimaced. Yeongjin looked over at him and gave him a happy smile.

“Art, huh.” He said appreciatively.

The next two rooms were full of some strange sculptures that were supposed to represent aspects of nature, but Hanbin could see Yeongjin was full of doubt. He made some crude jokes about what they resembled and Hanbin blushed, highly aware of another gallery attendant standing in the corner of the room within hearing range.

“Come on, let’s move on…there seems to be another door we can go through,” Hanbin took Yeongjin’s hand and pulled him along.

The door was large and white and when Hanbin pushed it open he really hadn’t been expecting a fully functioning butterfly habitat. It had been installed under the atrium of the gallery so orange, diffused light from above filled the room of plants, vines, and flowers. On one wall was a large collection of names and photos of the butterfly species. Then there were the butterflies.

Hanbin and Yeongjin wandered through the large room in a dreamy daze as a hundred live butterflies and moths darted, lilted and fluttered around them and overhead. The insects came in an incredible array of colours and patterns. Oranges, bright greens, azure, rich purple, stripes, spots, gradients... They were breathtaking and Hanbin found himself hypnotised trying to follow beautiful butterfly after beautiful butterfly around the room.  

“Is this the zoo…or the art gallery?” Yeongjin murmured appearing behind Hanbin who had been staring closely at a yellow and orange butterfly perched on a vine. Hanbin grinned happily loving Yeongjin’s surprise.

“They didn’t mention this installation on the website...”

“Oh, don’t move. You have a butterfly on your head!” Yeongjin urged with wide-eyes. “Wait, wait, let me…”

“No, I don’t think we’re allowed to touch them,” Hanbin replied anxiously, frozen to the spot as Yeongjin busied his hands around his hair.

“Here, look,” On Yeongjin’s pointer finger sat a stunning red-orange butterfly with black stripes. It looked like a tiger but it’s softly rounded wings made its dangerous colouring look friendly, kind even.

“This is you, in butterfly form – Tigerbin,” Yeongjin informed Hanbin who laughed, amused that Yeongjin knew that particular nickname. “Let’s find out the name of the species” said Yeongjin as he wandered over to the photographic list on the wall, holding his aloft finger supporting the docile butterfly as still as possible.

“it’s a banded orange heliconian, _Dryadula phaetusa._ ” Yeongjin laughed at Hanbin's deliberately pretentious reading voice. “Let me try and find you now…” Hanbin smiled. He didn’t have to look far, he found it resting nearby on the wall. Usually Hanbin was terrified of insects, especially anything with wings that liked to move fast towards his face. But for someone he felt fearless. Maybe because the insects in the room were all so beautiful it was hard to believe they were anything but angelic.  He gently coaxed the insect onto his index finger laughing at the way it’s little legs tickled, and brought it around to show Yeongjin. “This is you.”

It was a beautiful, large black moth with the most incredible delicate white patterns on its back. It was like a complex snowflake had fallen onto it then melted into its wings like a tattoo. It was elegant yet haunting to look at. Almost sinister but totally compelling, just like Yeongjin.

“rustic sphinx moth, _manduca rustica_.”

“There it goes,” The Yeongjin moth took off from Hanbin’s pointer finger and whirled about in the air in a circular pattern. As if startled the Tigerbin butterfly took off too, leaving Yeongjin’ finger in a flash of amber and black.

 Hanbin laughed and tried to follow it as it fluttered away. He felt strangely attached to his butterfly animus, probably because Yeongjin had chosen it for him. But soon it was lost amongst the other moths and butterflies and he sighed happily, just enjoying the sight of them all. He looked down and Yeongjin was staring at him strangely and intensely as if truly seeing him for the first time.

The butterflies and moths flittered around Yeongjin in a beautiful, silent cacophony of colour. There was a dream-like feeling to the moment and Hanbin felt sure he was going to wake any second and still be in his bed. But he didn’t want to wake up, he wanted the moment to stretch on forever because there was a softness in Yeongjin’s eyes as he looked at him that he hadn’t seen before and it stopped his heart mid-beat.

 “I like you so much I don’t know what to do with myself.” Yeongjin said quietly. Hanbin was speechless.

If the gallery attendant hadn’t then opened the door to let in two more visitors Hanbin wasn’t sure what would have happened next. He was both relieved and disappointed they had to spring apart and move on to the next room. 

The final room featured only a few pieces, the most stunning was marble bust of a woman from Ancient Greece that was on loan from the British Museum. Hanbin looked at it for a while fascinated by the woman’s noodle-like hair, sombre look and masculine profile. He wandered over to the other artworks and gave them a glance but by this point Hanbin’s thoughts were straying from the art. The look Yeongjin had just given him in the butterfly room had been something of a shock. It had been clear from the beginning that Yeongjin was attracted to him but now Hanbin was realising something entirely new. There was a possibility that Yeongjin might even fall in love with him. The idea was exciting but also terrifying. He remembered his plans for Friday involving Yeongjin and the boys and there was a fleeting lurch of guilt in his stomach.

His thoughts were interrupted by a whistle from Yeongjin wanting his attention. Hanbin turned around to find Yeongjin standing in front of the Ancient marble bust. He gave Hanbin a sneaky wink and then without a moment’s hesitation he swept down and kissed the statue right on the lips. Hanbin’s mouth fell open and he gasped. He quickly looked around in case someone had witnessed Yeongjin’s faux pas with his heart racing.

“ _What are you doing??_ ” Hanbin half laughed, half hissed as he strode over. Yeongjin straightened up and laughed at his shock.

“What’s wrong, you jealous?” Just then several other gallery visitors strolled through, missing Yeongjin’s boundary crossing by a split second. Hanbin stared. “So, you ready to go eat?” Yeongjin asked innocently.

 

***

 

“I still can’t believe you did that…you nearly gave me a heart attack.” Hanbin stared at Yeongjin who was casually sipping an iced chocolate covered in a pyramid of whipped cream. Yeongjin snorted. They were sitting in a café around the corner from the gallery and Hanbin couldn’t quite explain why but Yeongjin’s smooch with the statue had left him shaken.

Everyone knew that was the _one_ rule when it came to galleries and museums: No Touching. It was such a universal, well-established rule that Hanbin was slightly unsettled that Yeongjin didn’t seem to be aware of it. But then again Yeongjin had never been to a gallery, or a museum…maybe he was being too hard on him…

“Why’s it such a big deal? It’s just a marble statue….” Yeongjin shrugged.

“But it’s precious, it’s from over a thousand years ago…”

“Yeah, and so’s the dirt that this café’s standing on,” Yeongjin grinned. Hanbin shook his head.

“That’s different, somethings are more valuable than others...” Yeongjin looked at him hard then crossed his arms, leaning forwards on the table.

“Question…haven’t you ever wondered why the fuck we have galleries? Think about it, we have these weird organisations that arbitrarily decide for us what’s valuable and what’s not. Someone decided certain stuff is precious so it’s shut away in galleries and occasionally put on display. But who the fuck knows, maybe that statute was the sign for the girl’s toilets in Ancient Greece or wherever the fuck it’s from? What if back then it was considered a piece of shit sculpture… maybe it was someone’s practice piece, a first draft and they threw it out onto the garbage. Then thousands of years later some dude with a billion degrees digs it up and calls it priceless just because it’s _old_. Like, just because it’s now kept in a nice neat little room and surrounded by signs screaming _Don’t Touch_ Me doesn’t mean it suddenly changes value. Make up your own mind if you think it’s valuable or not, I reckon. Quit drinking the kool aid, it’s not the only drink on offer you know? That’s what I say.” Yeongjin finished his rant with a casual shrug. He leant across the table, unwrapped Hanbin’s hands from around his drink and played with his fingers.  

“Also just to let you know, you look absolutely adorable when you’re shocked.” Yeongjin laughed and Hanbin joined him. He was rather impressed by Yeongjin’s sudden rant. He wondered now if he really was just being stuffy and pretentious. Maybe the statue really was worthless and Yeongjin was just the only person he’d met who had the guts to say it.

“What do you want to do now?” Hanbin asked. He felt one of Yeongjin’s legs rub against his under the table in response. With his eyes fixed to Hanbin’s Yeongjin dragged his mouth slowly and suggestively up along the length of his straw, a wicked glint in his eyes. Hanbin gulped.

“I’ve got an idea.”

“And that idea is..?” Hanbin asked with his cheeks on fire and a yearning building in his stomach. Yeongjin smirked.

“Let’s go home. I wanna fuck you with the lights on.”

***

 

Hanbin awoke to the sound of his phone ringing it was probably midnight. He removed Yeongjin’s arm slung over his chest as gently as possible so he could crawl out of bed and fumble around for it somewhere on the floor. That’s where his clothes always ended up when Yeongjin stayed over. He looked at the screen through narrowed eyes and saw that it was Jinhwan.

“Hey, what’s going on? Why aren’t you answering my text messages? Are you ok?” Jinhwan sounded worried.

“Oh…sorry, sorry…I’ve just been busy.”

“Busy? Doing what…” Jinhwan sounded doubtful and Hanbin wasn’t even offended. For the last two years he’d caused Jinhwan a lot of worry that he wished he could take back. The guy knew more than perhaps anyone the amount of time he’d opted to spend alone with his thoughts and heartbreak after the breakup. Jinhwan had begged him countless times to do something other than work and he’d refused each and every time, deep down not wanting to move on whilst also being too scared to. But Jinhwan had no idea how suddenly the tables had turned in his life, no idea Yeongjin was in his bed next to him at this very moment, spooning him sleepily.

“Ahhh, I’ll explain tomorrow night.”

“Good. That’s why I was ringing, to check you’re not going to bail on us.”

“I’m won’t bail, I promise,” Hanbin insisted feeling a twinge of guilt but immediately shutting it down.

“Don’t bail Bin, please…I’m really glad you and Bobby are making up...”

“Yeah, I know, I know...I’ll be there, ok? And sorry for being slack about replying…my brain’s just…all over the place right now.”

“You’re not anxious about seeing Bobby, are you?”

“No, no, no…I’m not really. Please, don’t worry ok?” The guilt flared again.

“Ok, see you Friday.”

“See you then. I promise.”

 

***

 

“You sure you want to do this? You don’t have to do this for me…maybe it’s too soon…” It was Friday afternoon and Hanbin was sitting on the bathroom counter watching the freshly-showered, nude Yeongjin preen himself into a state of perfection. In a few hours’ time they would be joining the boys for dinner and Yeongjin  still had no idea he was an unexpected guest. Every now and again Hanbin remembered the look Yeongjin had given him in the butterfly room at the gallery and he felt a sharp pang of shame for being dishonest and sneaky. But he’d waited two years for this moment, to make Bobby feel the way he’d been made to feel: not enough. It was his turn now and he clung to it stubbornly.

Yeongjin had to go present at an awards show before he could make it to dinner but he was so keen he had almost cancelled his appearance so he wouldn’t be late at all. Hanbin had had to work hard to convince him not to. In fact, he liked the dramatic late entrance Yeongjin would make when Bobby and the boys least expected it even better.

“Yeah, of course. I want to meet everyone who is important to you. Your family, your friends, the rest of iKON…I’m pretty hyped to be honest.” Yeongjin chuckled. He surveyed his sharp, freshly shaven jawline in the mirror then began combing his wet hair. He noticed Hanbin staring at his body in the mirror and they both smiled -  Hanbin shyly, Yeongjin smugly.

Hanbin lay down on the bed and watched as Yeongjin got dressed in his brand new Tom Ford suit, still feeling the contradictory combination of guilt and satisfaction

 “You look amazing.” Hanbin told Yeongjin as he helped him with his silver cufflinks. Yeongjin nodded, he already knew he looked incredible.

“I’ll see you at the restaurant ok? I’ll try and get there as soon as I can. I don’t want to miss a thing.” Yeongjin pecked Hanbin affectionately on the lips and headed downstairs where his ride was waiting. 

Hanbin lay back on the bed and once again began to hungrily visualise how the night would unfold.

 

***

 

“Cute.” Junhoe nodded, taking in the sight of Jinhwan who’d appeared from his bedroom, all dressed up and ready for the dinner in Gangnam.

“Not cute. Sexy, remember?” Jinhwan frowned as he checked his phone for any messages from Hanbin or Bobby that they’d decided to bail. Junhoe laughed and pet the top of Jinhwan’s fluffy head. He knew Jinhwan was nervous about Double B being back together in the group situation. It was a gamble all five of them were hoping would pay off.

“You’re freaking out - don’t. It will all be fine. Probably.”

“Yeah probably…” Jinhwan muttered. “My guess is Bobby will be fine, he’ll just be quiet and a bit awkward. It’s Hanbin I’m worried about. You know how unpredictable he is.” Junhoe stared at the flustered Jinhwan, the sparkle of sweat already forming on his upper lip.

_I swear to God, if Bobby and Hanbin cause any drama tonight and freak out Jinhwan even more..I’m going to kill them…_

“Look they’ve worked together for a month now, surely they’re used to each other again. What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll probably just be awkward and slightly sassy. That’s it. So, come on, calm down.” He wrapped his arms around Jinhwan giving him a back hug. He kissed the top of his head, praising the lord and his masterful creation for Jinhwan’s adorable petite stature for the billionth time.

“I just want us all back together…and this could be it, our second chance...” Jinhwan mumbled, enjoying Junhoe’s comforting embrace. Junhoe felt a buzz in his pocket and took out his phone to find a notification their cab had arrived.

“Come on, let’s go. The cab’s waiting. It will all be fine.” They left the apartment and headed for the lift. Junhoe caught sight of himself in the elevator mirrors and turned to Jinhwan.

“By the way, how cool do I look tonight? It’s unreal.” Jinhwan rolled his eyes with a smile.

“Very cool, June. Very cool.”

 

***

 

Sitting in front seat of the cab on the way to the restaurant Bobby felt fluttery with anxious excitement all over. His left leg bounced nonstop and he needed to keep taking deep soothing breaths to calm himself down. The two weeks that had passed had been agonisingly slow, and if it hadn’t been for working on the track he’d started with Tablo to distract himself, Bobby was sure he would have gone mad. It had taken all his willpower not to rock up to Hanbin’s house again to confess and the only thing that had stopped him was his honest belief that Hanbin was most likely tired and drain from _Fast Forward_. But now, surely after two weeks he’d be back to his usual work-a-holic self.

The ancient-looking cabdriver was playing some godawful trot music and the car smelt of stale takeaway blanketed by fake mint, but Bobby didn’t mind. Nor did he mind that he’d been held back at the recording studio with a producer and now he was about twenty minutes late. Nothing could faze his mood because in just a few more blocks, in just a few more minutes, he was going to see Hanbin again. And that was all he wanted in the world right now, just to be near him.

He began to picture how it would all unfold and his leg bounced even faster...

He’d walk into the restaurant and be greeted by the waitress who would know he was to be expected. She’d lead him to one of the private rooms, no doubt the one they always ate in, the one with the beautiful wood panelled walls. He’d open the door and walk in and there they’d all be sitting around the table, all six of them for the first time in two years. They’d all look up at him at the same time and he’d make eye contact with Hanbin…

…It would be awkward at first because Hanbin had no idea he loved him again. He’d assume he still wanted to be friends so he’d probably be distant, reserved, maybe even a little cold. But Bobby knew he was going to make the dinner work, he’d smooth out the awkwardness. He’d be funny, friendly and charismatic. He’d make Hanbin laugh and pass him food which Hanbin would accept with surprise.  The boys would watch on just as surprised. He might even catch Jinhwan and Donghyuk exchanging a delighted smile. Then after the dinner when they all left he’d discreetly ask Hanbin if they could talk, just the two of them…

…They’d go somewhere nearby for convenience, the late-night donut café around the corner probably. It wasn’t the most romantic place but it would do. They’d sit down and he’d give the letter to Hanbin then nervously watch him read it. Hanbin would finish and look up at him, his eyes wide and confused. He’d tell Hanbin that it was the truth, he loved him and he wanted him back, that being apart from him for the last two weeks had nearly killed him and he couldn’t live without him for another single day. Sure, they still might have the same problems as before but they’d work through them, they’d make it work. Hanbin would be stunned and he might even get angry in a flustered, shocked kind of way. But he wouldn’t freak out, he’d stay calm and tell Hanbin to take his time and think about it. There was no rush…they had a whole lifetime together…

…He’d get the call from Hanbin the next day…he’d want to talk…Bobby would go to his house to see him…they’d fall into each other’s arms…they would kiss desperately, urgently, as if they would suffocate immediately if they dared to stop…he’d make love to Hanbin in every room of his house…

The movie that played in Bobby’s head was so good, so impossibly joyful, it made him dizzy and breathless. It was the best movie he’d ever watched. He put his hand against his heart and felt it skipping in his chest like a stone across pond. Just a few more blocks, just a few more minutes….

The cab driver began to hum along to the sappy tune playing in a nasal tone and Bobby hid his laughter behind his hand. How bizarre it was that everyone’s life just continued on like normal, when here he was, about to do something so ridiculously important. This was going to be the night he confessed to Hanbin for the second time. After this night all they’d have to worry about was making up for lost time.

As they finally drew close to the restaurant Bobby did a jittery mental checklist of all the things he had needed to get done in preparation for getting back with Hanbin:

  1. _Write the letter – done_
  2. _Ask Mum where to buy new bedsheets – done_
  3. _Buy the sheets – done_
  4. _Make the bed with fresh sheets – done_
  5. _Clean apartment for a clean start – semi done…he’ll live…he’s hardly the neatest guy either…_
  6. _Buy a dog bed so Obang/any other dog Hanbin falls in love with can stay - done_
  7. _Buy kids mattress so Hanbyul can sleep over – submitted the order online, just waiting for delivery_
  8. _Stock fridge with his favourite foods and drinks - done_



 

They had arrived and Bobby could see the restaurant just a few buildings down the street. As Bobby reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet to pay the driver another cab pulled up just ahead. He handed the driver the money and as he waited for his change he noticed a guy with a striking appearance step out from the front passenger seat.

Bobby wasn’t a particularly avid people-watcher but it was frankly impossible not to notice this guy who was now straightening up and smoothing down his navy suit. Even in the darkness of the poorly lit street Bobby could see that his neck was completely covered in tattoos, so were his hands and ankles. He was smoothing his hair now and tweaking his bowtie.

Furthermore, this was exactly the kind of guy Bobby _did_ notice, only because he’d met plenty of them during his time in the industry and he’d never, ever liked them: the conceited, rude ulzzang boys who covered up their lack of a personality with a shit tonne of ink and whose talents usually consisted solely of dressing well, being crazy rich and taking selfies. Bobby smiled to himself as he watched the guy carelessly toss his driver some notes then stride down the street as if he thought he was on a run-way. He made a mental note to mention him to the boys, that might make a good ice-breaker - they’d all have a decent chuckle.

But as he headed down the street he noted with amusement that the ulzzang seemed to have an appointment at the same restaurant as he did.

_Perfect, I can even point him out to the boys…!_

Just as he entered the restaurant he saw the ulzzang being led to a private room by a waitress. The restaurant was one of the best bbq places in Gangnam and often hosted private events. No doubt he was attending some kind of “ulzzang convention” where he’d show off his new tatts to all his skinny tattooed friends who all had even skinnier, fashionable, tattooed girlfriends. Bobby hid his smile just as the waitress returned to greet him. But as she led him to one of the private rooms something twigged in Bobby’s mind – wasn’t this the same room she’d led the Ulzzang to? Surely not…?

“A waiter will be with you shortly,” the waitress bowed again and walked away. Bobby was more confused now than nervous and he opened the door quickly. What he saw when he walked into the room kicked every ounce of oxygen out of his lungs. He froze and time seemed to freeze.

Just as he had imagined all six of them were there for the first time in two years. Chanwoo, Jinhwan, Junhoe, Donhyuk, Yunhyeong and sitting next to him was Hanbin. But to his shock and utmost horror sitting next to Hanbin was the ulzzang.

And his hand was on Hanbin’s knee.

And he was smiling at Hanbin in this strange flirty sort of way.

_And Hanbin was smiling back at him._

Donghyuk, Junhoe, Chanwoo and Yunhyeong who had also been staring at Hanbin and the stranger finally noticed Bobby. They took in the foreboding look on his face and all four realised simultaneously that this night was going to take a very unexpected turn. Jinhwan stood up in a panic and the legs of his seat scraped the floor with a sharp screech.

Hanbin noticed the silence in the room before he noticed Bobby. The boy’s reaction to Yeongjin arriving had been as hilarious and as deliciously satisfying as he’d imagined. And Yeongjin had been absolutely perfect. He’d walked in, sat next to Hanbin, kissed him on the cheek and bowed at each of the stunned boys as Hanbin introduced him. There hadn’t been time for anything else to happen before Bobby appeared.

Hanbin looked over and with a flush of satisfaction he saw Jiwon standing in the doorway with his mouth open, just the way he’d imagined. But his eyes…Hanbin’s stomach dropped as he realised Bobby wasn’t just surprised. He wasn’t even just shocked. There was horror in his eyes and his fists were hanging clenched by his sides.

“Hey,” Hanbin greeted Bobby meekly as no one else dared speak, no one knew what was going on. All they knew was that in a split second the atmosphere of the room had changed from convivial and hopeful to confusing and tense.  Bobby didn’t seem to hear Hanbin’s greeting, instead he pointed at Yeongjin as if he were an alien.

“Who the fuck’s this?” Bobby’s voice was dangerously low and chilling. Everyone in the room seemed to have stopped breathing at the same time except Bobby. He was feeling breathless as if he was about to either descend into a panic or a rage. He couldn’t and wouldn’t accept that what was happening was anything but a horrendous misunderstanding. He needed an explanation immediately.

Hanbin was too taken aback by Bobby’s murderous tone to reply so Yeongjin took control of the situation instead. He stood up, bowed deeply to Bobby and offered him his hand.  

“Sorry, we haven’t met. I’m Yeong-”

“-I wasn’t fucking talking to you!” Bobby suddenly barked making everyone in the room jump. Bobby refused to even look at the ulzzang, he couldn’t stand him already.

Bobby vaguely heard Jinhwan say his name warningly from across the table but he wasn’t going to listen to single word until he’d received some kind of explanation from Hanbin about why that guy was here and why the fuck his hand had been on his knee and why he’d been looking at him like that!

“What the fuck’s going on?” Bobby growled. Hanbin stomach flipped anxiously, he’d never seen Bobby caught off guard so violently. For someone who was brilliant at improvisation and rolling with the punches life tossed at him, Bobby was clearly flipping out and Hanbin had no idea what to do. He had desperately wanted to see Bobby surprised, hurt and even intimidated by Yeongjin. But he could never have anticipated this level of shock. When he didn’t say anything Bobby raised his voice again.

“I said what the _fuck’s_ going on?!” Bobby barely knew he was losing control, the shock and horror had taken over his senses. He was just a mass of panic and terror.

“This is Yeongjin, he’s my guest-“

“Yeah I can see that! But why’s he here??”

 “Bobby, please calm down,” Jinhwan implored as calmly as possible, leaning across the table and reaching for Bobby. Jinhwan didn’t know what was more bewildering: the fact Hanbin suddenly had a date or the bizarre way in which Bobby was reacting to the news. He felt Junhoe’s hand on his back trying to calm him down and he remembered his words back at the apartment.

_It will all be fine. Probably._

“No! I’m not going to calm down! I want to know what’s going on!” Bobby demanded loudly.

Yeongjin who had been blankly staring at the ground with his hands in his pockets looked up and gave Bobby a cold look through narrowed eyes. Hanbin saw this and suddenly he snapped out of his shock and stood up.  Now he was hugely embarrassed. He needed Bobby to get over himself and shut the fuck up asap.

“Can you quit shouting already?? He’s my guest because we’ve been seeing each other. I wanted you all to meet hi-”

“- _Seeing_ each other?? Like what, what does that mean?” Bobby interrupted, feeling another nauseating blow of panic hit his stomach like a baseball bat. This couldn’t be happening, really it couldn’t. It was impossible, the universe couldn’t possibly be so cruel. This had to be a sick, twisted joke.

Hanbin glanced at the boys, they were all in shock too. They were watching a car crash but couldn’t look away. Their eyes darted rapidly between himself Bobby and Yeongjin. Hanbin knew he need to de-escalate the situation fast but it was hard because Jiwon was really starting to piss him off.

“Look, we’re dating, we’re together, Ok??” Hanbin explained snappishly, his anger masking his own embarrassment and guilt. His prank had failed, it had turned into something truly ugly and he was now kicking himself for having been so petty and for dragging Yeongjin into the middle of it all. “Can we all just sit the fuck down and order some food?” Hanbin asked in irritation. Yeongjin grunted in agreement and the boys urged Bobby to sit down but Bobby ignored them. He wasn’t done, he needed the full story. Now.

“Since when though??” Bobby asked. “Since when have you been _dating_??” The incredulous tone in his voice triggered something in Hanbin, a whole new level of fury. So, Bobby really couldn’t believe he’d found someone to date? Was it really so impossible that maybe he was finally, _finally_ moving on with his life and getting over him?   

“Why does it matter?” Hanbin snapped.

“I thought you were single!!” Bobby felt Jinhwan take his arm firmly.

“Bobby, calm down…” Jinhwan insisted but Bobby becoming more desperate by the second.

“Why does it matter to you??” Hanbin seethed.

“It doesn’t.” Yeongjin interjected unexpectedly, smiling at Hanbin. In that smile Bobby suddenly saw something that really sent him over the edge. It was a knowing, intimate smile, a smile that knew it’s power over Hanbin. He lost it and before he knew it he was roaring.

“SHUT UP ULZZANG! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MEANT TO _BE_ HERE!”

“HEY!” Hanbin stood up furious that Bobby had just raised his voice at Yeongjin. However, Yeongjin didn’t seem concerned, he barely flinched and only raised his eyebrows. Bobby turned back to Hanbin.

“IT DOES FUCKING MATTER! BECAUSE…because…!!” Hanbin glared as Bobby stumbled, trying to quickly come up with a reason other than the truth.  

_because I fucking love you and you still love me remember??_

“…Because I’m shocked you could be so _unprofessional_!” As soon as Bobby said it he regretted it and he noticed the boys exchange confused glances from the corner of his eye.

“What…?” Hanbin snapped. He’d been unprofessional? When?

“Yeah!” Realising he’d just shot himself in the foot Bobby felt himself resign to his path of self-destruction. He pointed the gun at his other foot and took a second shot.  “You seriously think it’s ok to date whilst we had that huge commitment to those trainees?? Do you really think that it’s responsible to be putting your _love life_ before your _work_?? You know the rule - work before dating!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” Hanbin snarled. Suddenly the door opened and in walked a waiter. The man realised quickly upon entering that he had just walked into a warzone. Four angry looked men stood glaring at each other in the middle of the small room while another four sat bewildered at the table. He muttered an apology and something about coming back in a few minutes then quickly backed out the door. There was a long awkward silence as Bobby and Hanbin stared at each other. The other boys including Jinhwan remained silent, all too scared to say something that might make things worse. Yeongjin finally broke the silence.

“If no one minds I’ll just be outside having a smoke…” They all watched him leave the room and close the door softly behind him. Hanbin’s face burned with guilt and shame because Yeongjin hadn’t asked for this drama. He should never have done this…but at the same time he had hadn’t expected Bobby act like _this_. He was so angry with Bobby that a billion cruel words sat on the tip of his tongue, begging to be said. It was taking all his self-control to keep them to himself.

“For your information we weren’t dating during _Fast Forward_ so just calm the fuck down alright! Far out, why are you acting like this??”

Bobby’s heart suddenly leapt hopefully at the new information. Did that mean they’d only just started dating since the show ended? Well then, that changed everything! that meant the ulzzang meant nothing! Hanbin had only known him for two weeks!

_It’s ok, the ulzzang is just a prop, he means nothing. Hanbin probably only brought him here to stick it to me…he just wants to make me jealous…nice, Bin, nice…._

“So you started dating after _Fast Forward_??” Bobby urged hopefully.

“Yeah, and what?” Hanbin replied in irritated confusion. Bobby let out a barely concealed sigh of relief but Hanbin had had enough. “Look, this has been really weird, I think I need to leave…”

Donghyuk, Jinhwan and Yunhyeong began to protest. Junhoe and Chanwoo who were still stunned didn’t say anything.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, let’s eat.” Bobby insisted as he finally sat down at the table still feeling messed up but not nearly as panicked as before. It was going to be hard to smooth things over now, really hard, but he hadn’t given up hope. He could still give Hanbin the letter tonight, he’d make it happen. He had no choice, he had to make it happen. Jinhwan sat down tentatively as well.

“I’ll get Yeongjin,” Hanbin muttered but Bobby was suddenly on fire again. He threw down the menu he'd just started looking through in anger.

“What?? Nah, man. Come one this is just for us, for iKON!”  Bobby complained defensively gesturing around the table at the members. He needed the stupid ulzzang to leave if he wanted to give Hanbin the letter. Anyway, there was no way that poser was staying for dinner, he couldn’t stand the sight of him.

“What’s your _problem_ Jiwon??” Hanbin shouted.

“I think we need to call it a night,” Jinhwan insisted standing back up again and taking Hanbin by the arm. He knew now that everything was beyond repair. Even if they all stayed without Hanbin’s date joining them it was going to be the most painfully awkward and resentful dinner of all time.  

Hanbin whirled around, grabbed his jacket and raced out the door. Bobby’s stomach dropped and he raced after him. Because Bobby couldn’t see Hanbin anywhere inside the restaurant he presumed he’d left the building and was outside. But Hanbin wasn’t outside the restaurant either. Bobby realised he must have gone into a bathroom but when he turned around to go back inside and look for him Yunhyeong and Donghyuk were right behind him.

“Bobby, no don’t. Leave him.” Donghyuk implored.

“No, you don’t understand! I need to speak to him! I need to speak to him tonight!” Bobby struggled against them as they held him back.

“Bobby you need cool down!” Yunhyeong grunted, trying to hold onto Bobby who was still straining to make it back into the restaurant.

“Go home Bobby, please!” Donghyuk suddenly cried in frustration and Bobby stopped struggling, taken aback. “You need to go home.” Donghyuk told him grimly. “You need to calm down.” Yunhyeong nodded too in agreement looking upset. Bobby groaned in frustration, turned and stormed off down the street in defeat.

What an absolute fuck up. But why? Why did the dinner have to go so incredibly, awfully, horrendously wrong?? Bobby was reminded why when he spotted the ulzzang still having a smoke further up the street on the corner. He was going to have to walk past him if he wanted to get to the main street and catch a cab. As Bobby approached he finally had a proper look at ulzzang’s appearance - he’d been too shocked to notice him properly in the restaurant - he wasn't impressed.

The guy’s face and figure were bony, almost lizard-like. He didn’t have a single feature Bobby found charming or approachable. But far worse than his appearance, it was his manner that rubbed Bobby up the wrong way. Bobby had always prided himself on his judge of character, he always knew a poser from first sight, and he just knew there was something superficial about this guy. He struck Bobby as arrogant and fake and he’d picked it up before he’d even known the guy was Hanbin’s “date.”

Against his better judgement Bobby glanced at the guy as he walked passed and they made eye contact. Bobby was struck by something for a second and he almost did a double take but he kept walking. There had been a strange look in the ulzzang’s eyes, something that leapt out at him like a calm warning, he couldn’t describe it any better than that. But much later on, Bobby would think back and realise that strange, unsettling look had actually been the start of everything.

As Bobby went to cross the road he took one last backwards glance. The ulzzang was exhaling a pool of smoke into the air, nonchalantly leaning against a lamp-post and watching him walk away.

_Wtf? Creep…_

Bobby continued down the road at a furious pace, a dozen angry thoughts running through his head.

_So Hanbin, you wanted to make me jealous, huh? Bringing along some stupid ulzzang who no doubt just wants to bang you because you’re more famous than he is? You probably even know that about him, you probably don’t even give a shit about him. It was just to make a point because you’re still pissed I friend-zoned you…nice..._

Then before Bobby knew it he had walked straight past the late-night donut café he’d planned on taking Hanbin to read the letter. He backed up then stopped and stared in the window. In one second all the anger and frustration he felt suddenly evaporated and was replaced by crushing disappointment.

Inside the cafe it was all warm and cozy and people sat at pretty little tables, each decorated with its own plant terrarium, sipping steaming drinks and nibbling donuts covered in sweets. That could have been him and Hanbin in a few hours time... A stabbing pain gripped his chest as he realised just how badly he’d fucked up. He closed his eyes in horror and leaned his forehead against the café window.

Sure, he was pissed off and disappointed in Hanbin for being so immature, but at the same time Bobby reminded himself, he hadn’t struggled the same way Hanbin had for the last two years to move on. Nor had he been friend-zoned by someone he obviously still loved and then been forced to work with them…maybe if he’d been in Hanbin’s shoes this whole time he would have brought an ulzzang date too…

And the boys. Oh god. No doubt they’d all been hoping for the best with this catch up…all seven of them all in the same place for the first time in two years...

Bobby opened his eyes and realised a couple wearing matching clothes sitting directly on the other side of the glass were staring at him. He bowed a quick apology then backed away feeling stupid and leant against the next building down instead.

No, he needed to go back and sort it out immediately. He just wanted Hanbin back and for this all to be over. He wanted the movie back that had been playing in his head while in the cab just over half an hour ago! Maybe it wasn’t too late and they’d all be outside the restaurant still hailing cabs or talking about what just happened. He needed to tell Hanbin he was sorry and explain why he’d flipped out so badly…

_…Because I love you Bin…I was scared I’d lost you for a second…I was so fucking scared…_

Bobby set off back to the restaurant but he hadn’t made it far when he remembered something. The ulzzang was no doubt still hanging around! There was no way Hanbin was going to ditch his date to follow him to some freakin’ donut café to read a confessional letter, especially not after he’d made such an ass of himself. He stood frozen on the spot on the sidewalk, wanting to go backwards and forwards at the same time like a lagging computer. With a load groan of distress and frustration he sank his face into his hands.

_No, Fuck it, what’s the point? Hanbin’s gonna be too angry to listen to me right now anyway…AH FUCK WHY DID THIS HAVE TO GO SO BADLY?!_

He’d just created a whole new layer of shit he and Hanbin would have to work through before they could even get back together. Nice. If only he’d kept his cool and impressed Hanbin with his confidence and maturity…instead he’d thrown a tantrum because Hanbin had been juvenile.  

He let out an exhausted sigh and headed back to the main road, his original destination. He needed to find a cab and get home before he got himself into any more trouble.

 

***

 

Hanbin and Yeongjin were both seated in the back of a cab heading to Hanbin’s in silence. As they had got into the cab Yeongjin had said a polite farewell to the boys who’d returned the farewell apologetically and with a hint of awe. There was no doubt Yeongjin had made an impression on everyone, Hanbin just wasn’t sure it was the right impression. But that was the very least of his problems now. He’d fucked up big time and it was all his fault.

He was an angry, shocked, guilty mess.  He was angry because Bobby had been so rude to Yeongjin and his bewildering accusations of him being “unprofessional” had surprisingly really stung. He was shocked because Bobby’s angry, aggressive reaction had been completely, totally unexpected, and absolutely bizarre. And he was guilty because he’d fucked up, by ruining what was supposed to be a good night for the boys and by dragging Yeongjin into a nasty mess when all he’d wanted to do was meet his friends. Hanbin massaged his forehead trying to find the strength to begin what he knew was going to be a challenging apology. Hanbin took a deep breath and turned to Yeongjin who was staring into space and twiddling his tattooed thumbs.

“I’m so sorry.” He murmured. Yeongjin gave him a small smile.

“None of them were expecting me, were they…” Hanbin’s blood ran cold, the guilt was overwhelming.

_You wanted to be petty Hanbin? Well this is what you get for being petty. Happy Now??_

“No, they weren’t.” Hanbin confessed tremulously. Yeongjin nodded thoughtfully.

“And Bobby…is he an ex by any chance?” Yeongjin clarified in a serious tone. Hanbin nodded realising this was probably the moment Yeongjin asked the driver to stop so he could get out of the car and never look back.

“I’m…I’m so sorry-” Hanbin choked.

“Did you know he was going to react like that when he saw me?” Yeongjin asked Hanbin. Hanbin shook his head then realised it was hopeless, it was all over anyway. He needed to own up.

“I knew he was going to react, I just didn’t know he was going to react like _that_ …” Hanbin gushed guiltily, “I was expecting  him to be surprised, perhaps even embarrassed and intimidated I guess? But I didn’t expect him to yell and be so rude to you. I really didn’t and I am so angry I dragged you into that. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I totally understand if you…” Hanbin’s voice cracked, he couldn’t say the following words out loud.

_I totally understand if you are disgusted and angry, if you are now having doubts about me, if you want to get out of this cab right now and never call me again…_

“So, let me get this straight…” Yeongjin shifted around on the backseat to face Hanbin ,“…you brought me along tonight…to make some sort of point to your ex?” Yeongjin asked incredulously.

Hanbin closed his eyes in agony and nodded. He waited for Yeongjin to deliver the verdict. Instead Yeongjin barked with laughter and Hanbin jumped in his seat, opening his eyes in surprise. Yeongjin continued to laugh and laugh and Hanbin stared. Yeongjin finally wiped his eyes and looked over at Hanbin with a huge grin.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you cheeky little shit! I fucking _love_ it!” Yeongjin leant over, grabbed Hanbin’s face and kissed him hard on the mouth.

“You’re not angry with me?” He stammered.

“Oh shiiiit! you got him good! Damn! He just like, walked in and went...” Yeongjin pulled a ridiculous face of surprise to mimic Bobby’s reaction and cracked up again. He finally noticed Hanbin was in a state of shock and playfully pushed his shoulder. “Hey, look, I get it! I wanted to do the same thing to my ex…but goddamn, you just went for it! You got me good too! I’m impressed, I had no idea you had it in you!” Yeongjin gave Hanbin an appreciative smirk as if flattered Hanbin had taken the time to play a harmless prank on him.  

Hanbin couldn’t believe Yeongjin’s reaction, it defied logic. But then again, defying logic seemed to come more naturally to Yeongjin than conforming to it. Yeongjin didn’t seem aware of the normal, established rules for anything and it was that same lack of awareness that prompted him to kiss that statue in the gallery, risking getting them both kicked out and banned. Hanbin realised that Yeongjin genuinely found the situation hilarious, even charming. 

“I really want to know the whole story though now...hey, I know...” Yeongjin’s eyes lit up with an excited sparkle and he leant forward to get the drivers attention. “Sir, change of destination,” Yeongjin gave the driver his address then settled back into the backseat and light a cigarette. He gave Hanbin another smile of satisfaction with the cigarette pursed between his pillowy lips.

 “Don’t you reckon it’s about time you stayed the night at my place? I want to hear the whole story and I figure it’s going to take a while.” Hanbin nodded full of wild, joyous relief.

“Sweet,” Yeongjin smiled and buzzed down his window. He tapped the butt of his cigarette out the window and a final chuckle escaped from his mouth following the ash and flying out into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thanks for reading. Please let me know in the comments if you don't/haven't been receiving update notifications for this story or if it doesn't appear in recently updated iKON fan fics. I will try and fix it with tech support xxx


	10. Negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hortatory
> 
> (adj.) urging to some course of conduct or action; encouraging
> 
> Anagnorisis
> 
> (n.) the critical moment of recognition or discovery

As the cab approached the house Hanbin couldn’t help leaning forward on his seat to get a better look. They had passed the security gates and were driving down a private driveway lined with high stone walls. Up ahead sat a large grey block of a building appeared suspended mysteriously over a dark tunnel. The driver was confused and slowed down.

“No go through, there’s access to the house on the other side,” Yeongjin lazily reassured the driver. Hanbin felt Yeongjin’s thumb caress the back of his hand.

As the cab entered the tunnel lights came on automatically revealing their surroundings to be a large semi-underground carpark. Hanbin spotted Yeongjin’s soon-to-be auctioned Maserati parked before some impressive glass windows, behind which were the sparkling night views of Seoul. Hanbin gave Yeongjin a dazed look.

“Is Bruce Wayne your housemate or something? This doesn’t feel real.”

“Nup. This is all mine.” Yeongjin chuckled, “Let’s go.”

The driver disappeared back down the tunnel and Hanbin followed Yeongjin through a large glass door that connected the carpark to the house. The expensive looking chestnut floorboards and stylish charcoal grey walls told Hanbin the house wasn’t going to get any less impressive inside. They entered into a kitchen with tall golden wood cabinets and a stunning black and white marbled kitchen island with tall bar seats. Yeongjin tossed his car keys onto the bench and beckoned Hanbin to come through to the loungeroom. Hanbin followed in awe.

More lights came on automatically to reveal the most impressive loungeroom Hanbin had ever seen. The ceiling seemed miles high and the charcoal grey walls were decoratively panelled, making the room feel like a contemporary Versailles. In the centre of the room lay some low grey leather couches, worn in just the right amount, and two beautiful coffee tables cut from the same striking marble as the kitchen island. The couches faced ceiling high French windows framed by dark ceiling length drapes. At one end of the room sat a huge black and white marble fireplace and two vintage leather armchairs, a perfect spot to have a brooding nightcap. At the other end of the massive room sat a tall door and two chic black bookcases. A huge staircase sat against the far wall, stretching up over the kitchen to the second floor and the far corner of the room featured a luscious vertical garden of ferns that reached the ceiling.

Hanbin must have been staring for a while at his surroundings because when Yeongjin came up behind him and placed his hands on his hips he jumped in surprise.

“This is incredible,” Hanbin informed Yeongjin as if he didn’t already know. Yeongjin just smiled.  

“Yeah, it’s totally over the top isn’t it? This is what happens you grow up as a dirt-poor kid. You turn into an ostentatious prick of an adult.” Yeongjin smirked, revealing he was once again poking fun at himself. “But sit down. I’m going to make myself a drink, do you want anything?…” Hanbin shook his head and Yeongjin strolled back over to the kitchen. “Then I want to hear the whole story. Right from the beginning.”

Hanbin sat down on one of the buttery soft grey leather couches and stroked one of the marble coffee tables to check it was real and not just a figment of his imagination. He knew that Yeongjin was wealthy but he had no idea professional skaters could rake up so this kind of cash. But then again, Hanbin thought to himself as he stared around the glamorous room, there wasn’t a lot of stuff in it really. The coffee tables were bare, the bookshelves contained one or two magazines but that was it. The fireplace mantel was empty as well. It seemed that Yeongjin had invested in a very expensive shell to live in but he hadn’t filled it with much yet.

Yeongjin returned from the kitchen with his drink, sat down opposite Hanbin and raised his eyebrows expectantly.

Hanbin honestly didn’t want to have to tell Yeongjin about Bobby, the scandal, the breakup, anything really. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Yeongjin to know about his past, it was more that the process of telling him was going to be so draining and painful. Hanbin hadn’t actually spoken about the events he was about to cover with anyone in full, not even Jinhwan. To talk about them was to open up a huge wound that had never properly healed within him and expose it to further infection. But he knew he owed it to Yeongjin after he’d dragged him into the middle of it all, it was only fair. Hanbin took a deep breath, feeling like he was about to climb mount Everest and began.

“Well…it actually began a few years ago, when the trouble with my Dad began the first time…Bobby and I-”

“-No,” Yeongjin interrupted softly. “Start at the real beginning. Start with you and Bobby. When did that begin.”

Hanbin cringed. Yeongjin really wanted to know everything, this was going to be harder than he expected.

“Well…Bobby…we were together for five years.”

“And you met at YG?”

“We met at YG…he arrived two days after me…”

It took Hanbin a long time to tell Yeongjin the whole story because his voice tended to wobble when he got to the worst parts so he needed to stop sometimes then start his sentence again. He also had to be careful with his story, there were some parts he just couldn’t be honest about with Yeongjin without potentially scaring him away, or inspiring doubt. For example there was no way he was could tell Yeongjin he’d still been in love with Bobby up until two weeks ago. And there was no way he could tell Yeongjin about the friendzoning, how that had finally broken his heart completely.

It was long past midnight when he finally got to the end of his long exhausting tale. He’d told Yeongjin about the scandal with his dad the first time round, about the scandal the second timearound, the backlash he’d received from the netizens, the awful meeting with the board directors and YG, the impulsive decision he’d made to go solo, the terrible shouting fight with Bobby that had ended it all…

“Then basically I finished the album, I made my solo debut…and Bobby and I, we didn’t speak until _Fast Forward_. Nearly two years later.”

Yeongjin stood up and took a thoughtful stroll around the room, his suit as crisp and neat as when he first put it on in Hanbin’s bedroom earlier that day. He turned around and looked at Hanbin solemnly, he was clearly still taking it all in.

“Well firstly…your decision to go solo was obviously the best one from the beginning, and look it paid off - You saved your career. You won back the respect of the public. Secondly, Bobby breaking up with you….at a time like that...” Yeongjin shook his head and stared broodingly into his glass of melting ice. “I just don’t know what to say…I admit I hate people like that, people who bail when things get hard. There is a special place in hell reserved for people like that….”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s in the past...” Hanbin shook his head trying to downplay Bobby’s actions for a reason he didn’t quite know why. Maybe it was the fact that Yeongjin was suddenly looking genuinely unhappy for the first time since he’d met him.

He was also hoping that his story would have successfully distracted Yeongjin from asking too many further questions about his motivations for bringing him to the dinner that night. But as if he had just managed to read his mind Yeongjin gave him a wry smile.

“Right, so then what happened tonight? What was the purpose of my cameo?” Hanbin blushed and panicked for a second, wondering what he should say. He realised he was was going to have to tell some truths in order to be able to tell more lies.

“A few weeks ago, just before we started shooting _Fast Forward,_ Bobby and I spoke…and…” Hanbin faltered feeling dread at having to repeat the story. He had vowed to never tell a single soul about the night Bobby friend-zoned him. It was a memory of heartbreak and humiliation he knew he would never live down.

“And?” Yeongjin pressed. Hanbin gritted his teeth for a second then it all came out in a rush.

“Well he wanted to talk about how we’d work together, make sure things were cool between us. And it was just _obvious_ he pitied me. And he pitied me all the way through _Fast Forward_. It was in everything he did. In the way he looked at me, spoke to me, listened to me…I could see it in his eyes and it just killed me. I know that in his mind I still haven’t moved on, I haven’t gotten over him and that he thinks I don’t want to. So, when the opportunity came along for him to see you and me, to show him that I was moving on…I just couldn’t resist. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t take being pitied anymore, not for another second.”

“No, I understand better than you think.” Yeongjin smiled, “Better than you could even imagine.” Hanbin looked at him in surprise. He couldn’t imagine Yeongjin ever having been the object of pity, his coolness and swag simply wouldn’t allow it. But Yeongjin was looking serious and Hanbin could tell he was being honest. “Pity, what a disgusting thing.” Yeongjin shook his head with angry revulsion and moved to sit down on the coffee table in front of Hanbin. He took Hanbin’s and played with them tenderly, lost in thought.

“I’m glad you did what you did tonight.” Yeongjin said slowly but decisively. “Because the moment you let someone pity you, that’s the moment they win. Listen, there’s no crime in refusing to be pitied Hanbin. You’re just fucking showing what you’re worth and I’m just glad you know how to do that. Because you’re incredible and you’re not to be pitied another second longer. Not by Bobby…not by anyone. I won’t allow it.”

Hanbin’s heart throbbed with a blend of adoration and relief at Yeongjin’s words. He realised he was only just starting to realise what an amazing person Yeongjin really was. Feeling overwhelmed he looked down at their linked hands, his pale and soft from always working at a computer, and Yeongjin’s tattooed and calloused from endlessly grabbing skateboards and scraping the ground.

Yeongjin bent over and his lips found Hanbin’s. As they kissed Hanbin could feel something protective yet triumphant in his touch and it made him feel lucky beyond belief.

“So…one last question…” Yeongjin smiled, his lips still brushing against Hanbin’s. “Bobby’s reaction tonight. You said you weren’t expecting him to act like that...” Hanbin shook his head and scowled, suddenly remembering Bobby’s aggressive, his rude questions.

“No…I can’t believe it. It makes me so angry because this whole time he’s pitied me for not moving on and the moment I do just that he can’t stand to see me doing well! Maybe it makes him feel good seeing me down, I don’t know…I didn’t think he was that type of person!”

Yeongjin raised his eyebrows. He was clearly unconvinced by the theory that Bobby just couldn’t handle seeing his ex do well in life.

“Has it occurred to you that he wants you back? That he still loves you?” Yeongjin suggested delicately. The words were out of Hanbin’s mouth before he’d even thought them through.

“ _No way_!” he laughed bitterly. It just wasn’t possible. Yeongjin didn’t know Bobby had friendzoned him before the filming. He didn’t know that the whole duration of _Fast Forward_ Bobby had done nothing but be patronisingly friendly and how pathetic that had made him feel. It just wasn’t possible that Bobby had suddenly fallen for him again in the space of two weeks with no contact between. It just wasn’t.

 “Wanna make a bet?” Yeongji didn’t smile, he looked at Hanbin seriously, daring him to take up him up on his offer.

“Trust me…he doesn’t…” Hanbin murmured, worried by how confident Yeognjin seemed in his assessment of the situation. Yeongjin shrugged and stood up. 

“Let’s go to bed. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, I’m going to have to leave before you wake up.” Yeongjin pulled him to his feet. Hanbin nodded, he was feeling exhausted now too. Yeongjin took his hand and led him up the stairs. The second floor of Yeongjin’s house was just as spectacular. The same panelled grey walls stretched down a long hallway with high ceilings. Hanbin counted roughly four rooms before they reached Yeongjin’s bedroom.

It was a spacious room with a huge grey bed, a walk in wardrobe and a beautiful grey bathroom, all open-plan and very minimalist. Everything was far more lux than Hanbin had imagined for Yeongjin’s skateboarder’s aesthetic. But at the same time the guy loved Tom Ford, so it kind of made sense.  Hanbin wasn’t sure he would have liked the room if he’d been in it alone though, it was too palatial, too cool. But he wasn’t alone. Yeongjin pulled him down onto the bed after he stripped down to his boxers and took him into his arms.

“He’s not going to pity you anymore, Hanbin.” Yeongjin murmured sleepily but still managing to sound determined, like he was making a pledge. Hanbin looked up and Yeongin’s eyes were closed but there was a tight, stubborn smile on his face. A smile that suggested whatever Yeongjin wanted would come true, he would make it happen through sheer will alone and nothing would stop him.

Hanbin sighed deeply knowing that he was no longer alone with his battles, he finally had someone who knew his story and his perspective.

Finally, he felt someone really understood what it had been like to be him. 

 

***

 

Bobby woke up to the sound of his phone ringing but when he saw it was jinhwan and not Hanbin he couldn’t bring himself to answer. He knew Jinhwan was going to scold him, that was a given. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he deserved it but he just needed to be more awake to handle it. Also, there was a sheepish part of him that was determined to set things right with Hanbin first before speaking to any of the boys. It was his mess so he needed to fix it.

But first he just needed to gather the strength to call Hanbin and ask him if they could talk and that was going to take time. He lay on his back in bed and stared at the ceiling as the previous night’s events ran on perpetual replay in his mind. Every loop made him feel worse. The boys stunned, awkward silence. The hurt in Hanbin’s eyes when he accused him of being unprofessional. The rude, prying questions he had demanded of Hanbin….it was all so embarrassing.

But what shocked Bobby the most was remembering just how totally he’d lost control of himself the moment he laid eyes on Hanbin’s date, his hand on Hanbin’s knee, the look they’d exchanged. It shocked him because he’d never been a jealous person, he had never imagined that was part f his nature. It was like he had just uncovered a terrifying new side to himself that surely, surely, he should have already been aware of by now.

One of the reasons why he and Hanbin had worked well, at least for the first few years, was actually because he wasn’t a jealous person. Hanbin was full of contradictions. On one hand he needed space and time to himself to collect his thoughts and emotions, and he hated being smothered and demanded of regularly. But on the other hand Hanbin was clingy, almost childish in his need for affection and reassurance. It had always made Bobby melt knowing that Hanbin didn’t just want him, but that he genuinely needed him. Bobby always knew that no matter how far Hanbin wandered emotionally he always returned to him and him alone at the end of the day.

Also, Hanbin had never given him a reason to doubt his fidelity. Sure, Bobby had watched guys and girls make moves on hanbin loads of times over the years but it had always amused him rather than irritated him because Hanbin was the worst flirt in the world. He hardly ever noticed or understood what any of his admirers were doing, and on the rare occasions he did he would politely shift away from them as soon as possible and return to the safety of Bobby’s side. Hanbin’s complete disinterest in others had always made Bobby melt with smug satisfaction.

So where was this horrendous jealousy coming from now? Bobby felt disgusted in himself. Maybe it was the fact that he just couldn’t understand what on earth Hanbin saw in the ulzzang. Sure, he was generically ‘cool’ with his expensive suit, tattoos, and slicked back hair. But Hanbin had never gone for anything generic, Bobby had always liked to think he was a living example of Hanbin’s idiosyncratic taste. Hanbin loved anything different, anything unique and he fell for people rarely and when he did he fell hard.

So why the hell had he fallen for such a fake? The same type of guy they’d laughed about before and promised to never become? Bobby didn’t know how Hanbin could have once been attracted to him and now be attracted to someone like _that_ …it seemed totally illogical, it made him feel confused and lost. Maybe he’d missed something important about Hanbin that had been obvious the whole time. Realising that maybe he no longer knew Hanbin like he did before was the worst feeling in the world.

But then there were also horrible mental images and Bobby knew they were fuelling the jealousy without a doubt. The ulzzang kissing Hanbin, holding him, touching his body, petting him….he cringed in horror and buried his face into his pillow, desperately trying to erase those images from his mind. But then he removed the pillow from his face and shook his head, he was being silly, he was just being dramatic. He had nothing to worry about because if there was one thing he was sure would enver change about Hanbin it was his shyness, his fear of vulnerability.

Hanbin was a shy guy, he needed to take things slowly, he was scared of giving too much of himself away to others too soon. Hell, it had taken six months before Hanbin had even let him feel him up _over_ his clothes. So there was no way they would have done anything in two weeks. No way.

Bobby exhaled feeling slightly calmer. He grabbed his phone and brought up Hanbin’s number. He was ready to make the call now, in fact he was feeling excited at the prospect of just hearing Hanbin’s voice. It had only been hours since he’d last seen Hanbin but it already felt too long.

 He pressed call and the phone began to dial. Soon they’d sought everything out. Everything was going to be ok.

 

***

 

When Hanbin returned from Yeongjin’s house he’d walked into his kitchen to find Jinhwan sitting at the kitchen bench reading the article on Yeongjin in the Vogue magazine. It had remained in the kitchen ever since Namkyu had put it there that fateful night Yeongjin had stormed in to confront him.

Hanbin could already tell form Jinhwan’s sassy posture as he sat there researching that he was pissed off with him. He felt bad, knowing it was because Jinhwan was hurt he hadn’t told him about Yeongjin before the dinner.

“I didn’t know you were into skateboarding.” Jinhwan said sarcastically without looking up.

“Well to be fair…it’s only recently become an interest…” Hanbin smiled sheepishly. Jinhwan grunted and closed the magazine. He turned around on the bar stool to face Hanbin, one leg crossed over the other, his arms crossed over his chest. Hanbin could see Jinhwan was only just managing to hold in one of his classic emotional rants. 

When Hanbin’s date had first walked into their room at the restaurant, Jinhwan along with the other boys had thought he was a stranger who’d accidentally been shown into the wrong room. Then before they all knew what was happening the tall, lean, tattooed, model-looking guy had sat down next to Hanbin and kissed him on the cheek. The last person Jinhwan had seen kiss Hanbin’s cheek had been his _mum_.

But it wasn’t just the stranger kissing Hanbin that had taken Jinhwan aback, it had been the dangerously cool vibe he had brought with him into the room. It was like he’d arrived at the restaurant via cyclone. Jinhwan had June freeze up next to him as he realised he had a serious rival in coolness.

At the time Jinhwan hadn’t been pissed off with Yeongjin, just upset he’d been a witness to such a poor performance on behalf of all of them. If there was one thing Jinhwan hated it was Ikon making a bad impression. But once the awkward panic had passed during which he’d tried and failed to keep Bobby from interrogating Hanbin he’d also been annoyed that Hanbin had brought a date, he’d been dreaming of an Ikon reunion and that moment had been destroyed.

 But now he’d just read the Vogue story on Jang Yeongjin Jinhwan was far more curious about him than he wanted to admit. Yeongjin was in ranked number eight in the international street skateboarding scene. He had countless promotional relationships going on, the most important being Nike. He was known for his incredibly high pain threshold, able to bear terrible scrapes and falls but always managing to get back on the board. The article cited one incident at a competition two years ago as an example during which Yeongjin shattered his wrist in three locations but still managed to win the competition, managing to hold off collapsing in pain till after he’d finally grasped the trophy. He was also famous for his fearless approach to skating, known for risking his physical safety again and again on dangerous tricks. No trick, no height, no jump seemed to faze him. He just threw himself in the air again and again until he won.

While Jinhwan could see Yeongjin’s appeal in general he was still trying to work out how the guy had managed to evidently get under Hanbin’s skin so quickly…frankly he seemed far too cocky for Hanbin to manage, yet the chemistry between them at the table had been more than evident, even if only observed for a second before Bobby stormed in like a hurricane. All Jinhwan knew was that now he had Hanbin alone he was going to get some answers about what the fuck was going on and why Hanbin had kept him out of the loop.

 “So where’ve you been?” Hanbin snorted at Jinhwan’s maternal question. He loved how Jinhwan clearly still thought he needed to be mothered. Well he was going to find out right now that wasn’t necessary anymore..

“I stayed at Yeongjin’s last night…I just got back.” Hanbin informed him, unable to meet his eyes despite feeling smug. Jinhwan gave him another salty look.   

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating someone?” He complained sulkily.

“Well I tried to tell you all last night but that didn’t exactly work the way I imagined…” Hanbin laughed dryly.

“No, stupid. I mean Why didn’t you tell me before?” Jinhwan definitely hadn’t taken to being blindsided very well at all and Hanbin walked over, squeezed his shoulder and gave him an apologetic smile.

 “I’m sorry, it’s just it happened really fast and suddenly and I just thought I’d tell you all at the same time…” Hanbin trailed off knowing he was lying through his teeth and Jinhwan could tell, he’d always been a horrible liar when it came to emotional stuff. As expected Jinhwan slapped off his hand as if he was a naughty school boy.

“Give it up Hanbin. You wanted to stick it to Bobby, that’s why you did it.”

“Yeah ok, maybe I did,” Hanbin retorted defensively. “but I didn’t expect him to react like _that_!” Hanbin began to fume again. Bobby’s aggressiveness and rude questions were coming back to him from the night before. Thinking about Bobby’s reaction made him so angry. Who did he think he was to be so entitled?? Why had he been so rude?? Was Bobby’s ego so fragile that he hated seeing him with someone else even though he didn’t want him anymore??

“But honestly, what was his problem?” Hanbin asked, hoping Jinhwan had the answer to explain Bobby’s behaviour. But Jinhwan was just as lost. The last person to speak to Bobby about Hanbin had been Donghyuk and from his reports he’d almost had his head bitten off. Jinhwan wasn’t sure if Bobby had just been offended by Hanbin’s attempt to embarrass him and that had made him lose it, or if he genuinely had a hard time seeing Hanbin date someone else for the first time, just because he’d been so used to being the one who _was_ moving on and Hanbin being the one who _wasn’t_. The whole thing had been truly bizarre.

“Are you going to speak to him?” Jinhwan asked.

“He called me just half an hour ago. I didn’t answer,” Hanbin replied indifferently, now looking through Yeongjin’s  Vogue photoshoot again himself. God Yeongjin was sexy…it took his breath away. 

“And?” Jinhwan snatched the vogue and and shut it so it would stop distracting Hanbin.

“Then he texted me asking if we could talk. But I haven’t responded, I can’t be bothered.” Hanbin was almost being honest. He really just didn’t know if he could talk to Bobby without things escalating again. He didn’t want another screaming match.  

“You know what I’m going to say don’t you.” Jinhwan gave Hanbin a pointed look and Hanbin groaned.

“Look I don’t want to talk to him! I’m too angry still. He was a jerk and he completely embarrassed me.”

Jinhwan gave Hanbin another heavy look, unimpressed by Hanbin’s willingness to overlook his own pettiness. Hanbin blushed.

“Nag me all you want but he can get lost. I’m busy now. And anyway, meeting up with my ex for a heart to heart is disrespectful to Yeongjin,” Hanbin insisted, his cheeks glowing because he was mentioning Yeongjin again and he was all flustered now by the Vogue photos.

“Speaking of…I just read this article,” Jinhwan gestured to the magazine and Hanbin smirked feeling satisfied that Jinhwan had seen Yeongjin look handsome both in real life and on paper.  “But I want to know the full story from you.”

Hanbin sighed, he was clearly expected to perform another story-time and he was still tied from talking to Yeongjin until late the night before.

“Look I met him a while back at a club, just before I was asked to do _Fast Forward_. He kinda pursued me, I kinda ran away for a while…but then we got together the night _Fast Forward_ round 1 ended…and now we’re together I guess. That’s all there is to it.”

Jinhwan looked closely at Hanbin and his pink cheeks. There was a giddiness about him that he was clearly trying to downplay. Hanbin was a strange guy, he claimed to fall in love easily and while that was true he didn’t fall in love often. After all he and Bobby had been together for five years and they had been each other’s firsts. Jinhwan couldn’t help noticing though that Hanbin had the same energy about him now that he’d had when he and Bobby had first started dating. The same dopey, shy, yet energetic happiness about him. It began to dawn on Jinhwan that maybe, finally, Hanbin had actually found someone he was interested in, that he really was going to move on.

“You’re together? In what sense…?” Jinhwan knew he was prying now, but he couldn’t help it, he wanted more details. He wanted to know what type of relationship they had and most of all he wanted to know the exact miracles that this Jang Yeongjin had been able to perform on the most stubborn dork of a rapper he knew in the entire world.

“Well…a normal relationship…he stays here a lot…over-night…” Hanbin giggled, feeling silly and smug at the same time. Jinhwan picked up on Hanbin’s coy but loaded language in a split second.

“Are you _sleeping_ together?” Jinhwan couldn’t believe it. Hanbin, the guy who couldn’t flirt to save his life and who hadn’t never had a one-night stand was suddenly sleeping with a guy within two weeks of dating him after having been single and depressed for nearly two years….

Hanbin laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. He finally looked back over at Jinhwan who was still staring at him with his mouth gaping.

“Yeah…he’s hot!” Hanbin giggled, suddenly looking very much to Jinhwan like a giddy school girl.

Jinhwan nodded slowly, taking it all in. It was unexpected, it was totally random, and he could never have anticipated Hanbin’s moving on process to begin so abruptly and with such gusto. But he was also slowly becoming more and more thrilled, more satisfied with the situation. After all Hanbin was looking happy, he had colour in his cheeks, he was laughing and smiling, he had his confident spring back in his step. That was all Jinhwan had wanted for him ever since the breakup. He’d wanted the old Hanbin back.

“So can we meet him again? Properly?” Jinhwan was keen now to be as supportive as possible.

“Yeah sure, but no Bobby,” Hanbin fumed.

“Don’t worry about Bobby,” Jinhwan reassured Hanbin, petting the back of his head affectionately like the proud hyung he was, “I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’ll sort him out.”

 

***

 

“Explain. Now.” Jinhwan ordered, sitting down opposite Bobby. They were in a quiet restaurant near where Jinhwan had been recording with the rest of the vocal line. As he regarded the clearly still out of sorts Bobby across the table he felt a strong protectiveness towards Hanbin’s budding relationship. He wasn’t going to take Bobby being juvenile about it, not for a second.

“So what? None of you were surprised by his stupid date?” Bobby’s face fell at Jinhwan’s disciplinary tone. He didn’t know why exactly Jinhwan was so pissed off with him when Hanbin had also been just as immature. Why did he always take Hanbin’s side?

“Of course we were surprised,” Jinhawn responded testily, “but we didn’t throw a tantrum the way you did. What on earth were you thinking Jiwon?”

“I know…I know..” Bobby whined remorsefully. “I was an idiot ok?” Jinhwan stared at him with his arms crossed looking unimpressed.

“So why are we here then? It’s Hanbin you need to apologise to not me.”

“I need your help. I need you to convince Hanbin to meet up with me, and I don’t think he’ll do it…I called him yesterday morning and messaged him but he hasn’t replied.”

“No, I don’t suppose he does want to meet up with you,” Jinhwan snapped. “But what the hell happened the other night? I don’t get it, you were suddenly acting like this crazy, jealous ex! “ _What do you mean you’re seeing each other?! Since when?!_ ” It was totally inappropriate. And the way you spoke to Yeongjin? I nearly died from embarrassment. Do you want people to think iKON is just a bunch of assholes, or what?”

“I don’t get it though,” Bobby complained, his anger spiking at the mention of the ulzzang, “they’ve been dating for two weeks?? That’s literally nothing. Why is Hanbin acting like they’re suddenly _married_ for christ’s sake?” Jinhwan stared at Bobby through eyes narrowed with disappointment.

 “Jiwon, you’ve been wanting Hanbin to move on for ages and now he has you’re suddenly acting like a complete jerk. Hanbin is clearly smitten with this guy and you should be grateful.”

“What? _Smitten_?” Bobby repeated Jinhwan’s words in disgusted disbelief.

“Hanbin is clearly falling for him hard, he told me how Yeongjin basically moved in for a few days. They’re spending a lot of time together and he makes him happy, makes him feel confident, brings out his best self. he was literally glowing talking about him -“

“Wait, wait, wait - _what_? He moved in for a while?!” Bobby’s stomach dropped ten feet in a millisecond. He was sitting upright now in his seat and feeling cold and clammy all over. He was going into shock. He really wasn’t ready to hear this.

 “Yeah, why’s this such a big deal? You haven’t given a second thought to Hanbin’s private life for nearly two years, you wanted nothing to do with him! Now suddenly-“

“-Hold up,” Bobby raised a shaking hand to stop Jinhwan mid-sentence. He knew what he had to ask but he could barely bring himself to do it. It would be to confirm those horrible images he’d trying to ignore in his head, the images that he had convinced himself had to be impossible because he knew Hanbin better than anyone, and he knew that Hanbin didn’t just have sex with anyone. But he had to know for sure…

 “Is Hanbin _sleeping_ with that guy?” Bobby voice came out all strangled and there was a look in his wide eyes that made Jinhwan stare back at him wondering if he was about to totally lose it again.

“They’re going at it like rabbits from what Hanbin told me. Which is normal I guess, it’s early days for them, they’re still in the honeymoon period. I’m happy for him. But why is this even important to yo-…” Jinhwan’s trail of thought broke off as he watched Bobby’s face turn deathly white right before his eyes. “Bobby?”

Bobby felt the rest of the restaurant and its occupants disappear from around him, everything turned silent, all the sounds from the kitchen and from the other tables faded away. It was like he had just stepped out of a spaceship mid-orbit and tumbled straight into a blackhole. All he was aware of was the crushing weight of knowing Hanbin was doing things with the ulzzang, the way he used to do them with him.

“Bobby..?” Jinhwan tried again to get his attention, clicking his fingers in front of his face. But Bobby was staring into nowhere as a collection of horrendous images whirled through his mind on a loop. The same images he had thought were impossible, worst outcomes. But now they were real, they were happening.

Suddenly Bobby folded down onto the table, burying his head in his arms. Jinhwan watched speechless as Bobby’s shoulders rose and fell as he appeared to be taking in deep breaths.

Bobby sat back up and the look on his face revealed to Jinhwan in a split second what was really going on. There was no other explanation for the complete utter misery on Bobby’s face. Despite the fact it made no sense, that there had been no evident lead-up, and that it just seemed to have come out of the blue after two years of total disinterest in Hanbin, there was just no doubt about it: Bobby was one hundred percent back in love with Hanbin. And right now it appeared he was in the middle of some kind of breakdown at the news he was intimate with Yeongjin.

 “Oh shit. Do you…have you…are you…?” Jinhwan murmured.

“Yep.” Bobby looked at Jinhwan in defeat. “I’m in love with him again. I want him back. I _need_ him back.”

“Oh god…” Jinhwan groaned. It was his turn to sink his face into his hands. “Why Bobby? why only now...?!” he implored.

“I don’t know!” Bobby groaned in despair. “Maybe I never really fell out of love with him! Maybe I just thought I had...But you’ve got to help me,” Bobby took one of Jinhwan’s hands cradling his face and clenched it painfully tight. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this, I had a plan. I fell for him again on the night we stopped filming _Fast Forward_ …” Jinhwan felt déjà vu as he remembered Hanbin’s own story, “...I listened to his album and I dunno! All my feelings came back for him in this crazy, huge rush like a tidal wave! I drove straight to his house right then to tell him, but I decided not to, I didn’t want to overwhelm him when it was so late at night and he was so tired form filming. So I waited for the other night, I planned to talk to him after the dinner…I even wrote a fucking letter to confess. But then that stupid ulzzang ruined everything!” Bobby shook his head and scowled.  

“He’s not an ulzzang, Bobby. He’s a very successful professional skateboarder,” Jinhwan informed him. Bobby gave him an accusatory look.

“Oh ho! so you’re a fan _too_ now!!” Bobby cried.  “Seriously, please tell me, help me understand?? What’s so special about him? He’s such a fake!”

“Bobby, calm down,” Jinhwan chided, not wanting to admit to Bobby just yet that he found Yeongjin totally cool and exotic. “Look, I don’t know what to do…” Jinhwan now felt exhausted. Up until just moments ago he’d been on a high because Hanbin was finally moving on and was happy. Bobby had been an asshole the other night but he had planned to sort him out with a good long talking to and then everything would be fine! But now, things were even more complicated than before because Bobby wanted Hanbin back but Hanbin was seeing someone new. And he was really into them…

“Please. You’ve got to help me, speak to him. Convince him to speak to me. I’ll apologise, give him the letter and we’ll be back together,” Bobby had a desperate look in his eyes that scared Jinhwan.

Bobby was basically asking him to help break up Hanbin and Yeongjin so they could get back together, but to Jinhwan Bobby really didn’t seem to understand the situation. It was clear that Bobby was either in denial Hanbin was serious about Yeongjin or that he was genuinely convinced that Hanbin still had pre-existing feelings for him that were stronger. Jinhwan shook his head already predicting things were going to get a lot worse before they were going to get better.

“I don’t know Bobby…I don’t think you realise-”

“ _Please_. Are you my friend or what?? How come you helped Hanbin out these past two years but now you can’t help me out? I’m dying. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t think properly. It’s been like this since I fell back in love with him. I need him Jinhwan, we’re soulmates and you know that!”

“Bobby I’ve wanted you and Hanbin to get back together for ages but…” Bobby dropped to the restaurant floor on his knees and clasped his hands. He bowed his head, ready to beg.

“Jesus fucking Christ – Bobby get off the floor! - look I’ll see what I can do. I’ll try and get him to talk to you…so you can apologise. But I can’t do anything more than that.”

 “Thank you.” Bobby mumbled sombrely standing up.

“Come on, let’s go.” Jinhwan paused putting on his jacket to point at the empty bowls on the table, “you’re paying for this btw. All of this. You me owe big time.”

But Bobby was barely he listening, he would have paid for all of South Korea to eat at the restaurant in that moment he was so relieved. All he knew was that things weren’t over yet. He was going to talk to Hanbin, because Hanbin always listened to Jinhwan’s advice, and give him the letter and soon the ulzzang would be gone and he could forget he ever existed. And then it would be him and Hanbin, the way it was meant to be. Sure, Hanbin was sleeping with someone else and that hurt like hell, but Bobby was sure it was meaningless. Hanbin still loved him, Bobby just knew it.  

 

***

 

“So, did you respond?” Yeongjin asked Hanbin over the reggaeton. They were sitting next to each other in the backseat of a beat-up old car, Yeongjin’s arm was slung over his shoulders. Teddy, Yeongjin’s friend Hanbin had briefly met before, was driving and another one of Yeongjin’s friends he hadn’t met before was in the front passenger seat. They were on their to one of Yeongjin’s favourite lesser known skating spots. Yeongjin had refused to tell him what it was exactly, he’d just said something about knowing Hanbin would love it because it was ugly and beautiful at the same time and Hanbin had smiled, loving that Yeongjin had noticed such subtle things about him.

“No,” Hanbin responded shortly. Hanbin was doing his best not to let his nerves show. He couldn’t help it, he found it nerve-wracking being around Yeongjin’s friends. He wasn’t sure if it was just that he wasn’t used to them, or if he actually found them intimidating, but he was desperate for Yeongjin’s sake to like them. If that failed he would at least try and appreciate their carefree way of life.

However, Hanbin wasn’t sure he wanted to start a conversation up with Yeongjin about Bobby in front of the two friends. Also, he was feeling weird about receiving texts from Bobby again. They’d had to text and call each other during _Fast Forward_ but they’d both been under the impression at the time that would stop as soon as their role on the show did. It had nearly scared the living daylights out of him to see Bobby’s request to meet up appear on his phone after he refused to take his call. He’d mentioned it to Yeongjin the next day as casually as he could, even laughing about it as if to dismiss Bobby and his importance altogether.

But really, he was feeling guilty because part of him wanted to meet up with Bobby. Sure, mostly to punch him for embarrassing him so badly, but also just to get some kind of explanation about why he’d acted the way he had. Hanbin was hating the fact Bobby was once again in the forefront of his mind.

Yeongjin had nodded knowingly at the news and Hanbin could tell straight away that although Yeongjin wouldn’t stop him he wouldn’t approve of him replying. Hanbin had mumbled something about how he couldn’t be bothered to think about it then changed the topic. But Yeongjin clearly hadn’t forgotten.

“Good.” Yeongjin nodded with satisfaction. “He’s toxic, stay away from him.” He stroked Hanbin’s left ear so softly it tickled. Hanbin squirmed and they both laughed. Yeongjin kissed Hanbin on the lips and Hanbin felt his cheeks burn.

“Fucking lovebirds...” Teddy scoffed with a cigarette in his mouth. He was staring at them through the revision mirror. Hanbin broke off the kiss feeling embarrassed. Yeongjin’s other friend turned around and smirked. Yeongjin didn’t give a damn but he sensed Hanbin’s discomfort at the attention and pushed his friends face away aggressively.

“Fuck off Taesong. And keep your eyes on the road, Teddy. Stop checking Hanbin out.”

They drove off a highway for about 30 minutes before finally heading down a grassy deserted track. Hanbin looked out the window holding Yeongjin’s hand. He was still feeling nervous but the nature was already working wonders on him, it had been ages since he’d been out and about like this.

“I’m just gonna park here,” Teddy informed them in his gravelling mumble. “The track gets too bumpy otherwise.”

They set off and Hanbin watched in awe as the spring in Yeongjin’s step become higher and higher. It was something he had begun to notice whenever Yeongjin set off to skate, his excitement was palpable. And it was super infectious, seeing Yeongjin smile and start talking passionately about skateboarding it always rubbed off onto Hanbin. It would only be afterwards when he noticed his cheeks were aching that he’d been smiling non-stop for an hour like a total simpleton. For brief moments Hanbin also found himself violently wishing he could skate too, just so he could feel the way Yeongjin did, that wonderful, addictive excitement.

They reached a clearing and up ahead was a huge rusty shipwreck, three levels high, complete with masts and rigging, smack in the middle of a grassy field in the middle of nowhere.

“What the…” Hanbin laughed at the bewildering sight and Yeongjin joyfully slapped him on the back.

“Sick, right?? Some guys a few years back turned this wreck into a skatepark! I fucking love it. Also this the best place to drop acid, just saying.” Yeongjin raced ahead and Hanbin stared.

_Drop acid? Ok…that’s something else I didn’t know you did, but cool…_

The four of them walked up a the set of stairs set into the platform the ships hull was set up against. They wandered inside and just as Yeongjin had said the interior of the ship had been transformed into a place to skateboard, there were slopes built up against the walls and plenty of items to jump up on.

Hanbin watched smiling as the three men cruised around the room, focussing on Yeongjin however and absorbing his infectious happiness. When Hanbin didn’t think it was possible for Yeongjin to become even more attractive than he was, he did, and it was always when he was on his skateboard, flying around a room whilst joking with his friends, his t-shirt off and tucked into the back of his jeans. But it wasn’t even just how he looked when he skated, it was how he felt, the sense of freedom and confidence that was so evident on his face. Hanbin watched transfixed by quickly the skaters became bored.

“See the thing is, it’s a cool place but pretty basic set up as you can see,” Yeongjin informed Hanbin as he cruised past, “gets old you see.”

“Then try something new, wanker,” Taesong interjected. Taesong wandered outside the Ship again, leant against some railings and looked up at the ship. “I know, come here…”

Hanbin followed Yeongjin and Teddy outside as they went to investigate Taesongs’ new idea.

“Do that, backside boardslide…” Taesong nodded upwards and it took a second for Hanbin to realise he was talking about the staircase that ran alongside the ships side from the top floor all the way down to the ground, four floors in total, approximately a twelve metre fall from the top. Hanbin didn’t know exactly what the trick meant but he knew it was going to involve Yeongjin grinding down the railing of the stairs on the board and his stomach dropped.

“No way.” Hanbin heard himself mumble nervously. But Teddy whistled appreciatively and slapped Yeongjin on the back. Yeongjin was already committed to the challenge, the four storey drop obviously didn’t concern him, or maybe it tempted him.

Yeongjin grabbed his board and turned to Hanbin.

“it’s been nice knowing you…” Yeongjin said in deadly serious voice. He then cracked up at Hanbin’s terrified face.

“Seriously don’t, what if you fall,” Hanbin insisted.

“I’ll break a leg probs…” Yeongjin conceded, scratching his chin. “Maybe my pelvis again…”

“Then don’t, seriously, don’t.” Hanbin was beyond nervous now, his stomach was flipping and his heart was thudding away anxiously. He was predicting an accident, he could already picture Yeongjin’s body as a collection of splayed limbs on the ground, Teddy dialling for an ambulance, blood, broken bones, brain damage. Yeongjin just scooped up Hanbin’s chin and gave him a roguish smile.

“I could never resist a dare. And anyway, you’re here with me. What could go wrong?” Hanbin watched in horror as Yeongjin climbed the stairs. Teddy and Taesong looked onwards in anticipation. It took Yeongjin a while to work out how he could get onto the railing with enough momentum because there was no runway to pick up speed. He decided he was going to have to toppled down from the roof of the ship and Hanbin’s hands quickly leapt over his eyes. He peered through his fingers as he watched Yeongjin brace himself for impact. Yeongjin skated along the very top level of the ship for about 8 metres, skipped over the edge and with a horrific scraping sound began grinding down the railing of the stairs on the middle of his board.

Hanbin literally held his breath as he watched Yeongjin’s body contort as he struggled to maintain his balance as his skid down the each level of the railing. Hanbin finally breathed in when Yeongjin hit the ground level. He was thrown forwards as the wheels of the skateboard hit the lumpy tufts of grass at the bottom but he managed to somersault back onto his feet because of the momentum.

Yeongjin lay laughing on the ground as Teddy and Taesong hooted. Hanbin raced down the stairs on wobbly legs, he was shaking.

“Are you ok??” He fell down onto his knees next to Yeongjin on the grass. Yeongjin looked up at him beaming.

“Fuck yes! That was easy that time, man.” Yeongjin sat up and stroked Hanbin’s cheek. “You know what, Hanbin. I’ve tried that railing so many fucking times before, never could do it. I’m beginning to think you might be my lucky charm.”

“You could have broken something...” Hanbin was still shaken.

“Yeah but I didn’t, thanks to you.” Yeongjin pulled Hanbin down on top of him and kissed him hard. Hanbin heard Teddy and Taesong whistle and call out stupid things but suddenly he didn’t care. He was just glad that Yeongjin was ok. But most of all he couldn’t believe Yeongjin had just called him his lucky charm, it felt fucking incredible.

 

***

 

Hanbin got the call from Jinhwan just as he and Yeongjin arrived back at Yeongjin’s house. Yeongjin was strolling around just in his boxers as he always did, looking for food in his forever empty fridge, and Hanbin sat down on his favourite couch to hear what Jinhwan had to say.

“Have I been good to you these last two years, Bin?” asked Jinhwan in a delicate, innocent voice.

“Yes, why?” Hanbin laughed.

“What about before the breakup. Was I good to you then?”

“Yes you’ve always been my second Mum, why are you being so weird right now?”

“I have a favour to ask of you, that’s why. And I want you to remember all the ways I have helped you and looked out for you before you hear what it is.”

Hanbin’s face fell as he realised what was coming.

“You want me to speak to Bobby, he’s already nagged you hasn’t he?” Hanbin seethed.

“Yes. Speak to him. Please. Give him ten minutes, he wants to apologise.”

“I just…don’t care…” Hanbin muttered, all too aware that Yeongjin was leaning against the kitchen counter now and listening whilst munching on some chips.

“Please. Do it for me, not for him. Do it for Ikon.”

Hanbin grit his teeth. He hated it when Jinhwan used ikon as a weapon of manipulation, it always tapped into the residual guilt he felt at having put ikon on hiatus for so long.

“Fuck, Jinhwan…I don’t want to!” Hanbin whined.

“Look…just give him ten minutes, he has something important to tell you. That’s all I can say.”

“What?” Hanbin quipped, feeling irritated by Jinhwan’s cryptic language.

“Please. If he’s a douche I give you full permission, support and encouragement to completely cut him off. But I know he won’t be.”

“How do you know that?” Hanbin replied sceptically.

“I just do.” Jinwhwan sounded so convinced Hanbin was now suddenly curious.

“Ok…fine, _fine_! Ten minutes no more.”

“Ok, text him then, organise a meeting. Let me know how it goes, ok?” Hanbin made a huffing noise.  “And don’t you dare blindside me again Kim Hanbin. I’m your hyung remember!”

Hanbin hung up but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around and face Yeongjin. He felt totally ashamed and guilty. He knew in Yeongjin’s mind he shouldn’t be giving Bobby a second of his time, after all, Yeongjin considered Bobby “toxic.”

“So, you’ll be having a little chat with Bobby after all?” Yeongjin asked from the kitchen where he was still standing. Hanbin nodded and gave Yeongjin a sideways glance.

“I’m only doing it because Jinhwan has asked me to…” Hanbin blushed, knowing full well he was actually incredibly curious to know what it was that Bobby wanted to tell him. “I’m sorry…this will be the last time, I just feel like I can’t say no to Jinhwan…he’s done a lot for me…he’s one of my best friends…” Yeongjin shrugged and stared at the floor for a moment. Hanbin’s heart ached as he realised he was seeing Yeongjin looking dejected for the first time since he’d met him.

“You should do what you think is best. I don’t know what you think that is…” Yeongjin looked up gave him a small smile and Hanbin felt even worse. But Yeongjin then shook his head with a chuckle and walked over to where Hanbin was sitting and stood before him. He reached out a hand to Hanbin with a seductive smirk. “Come one, Lucky charm. Let’s fuck.” Hanbin laughed and let Yeongjin lead him upstairs, thanking his lucky stars that Yeongjin had such limitless patience.

 

***

 

Hanbin arrived at the cafe wearing a woven jumper in different shades of pale blue that showed off his elegant neck and collar bones. Bobby stared and for a moment it felt like he had forgotten how to breathe. He managed to choke on his own saliva and coughed feeling ridiculous. Hanbin sat down opposite him with a stern, guarded look on his face.

“Hi,” Bobby said slowly. He was all too aware of the letter inside his bomb jacket pocket. He was worried it was getting crinkled.  He was also all too aware that this was his second chance, his last chance to tell Hanbin how he felt. To confess his love once more.

“Hi,” Hanbin replied coldly, satisfied to see Bobby had the decency to at least look apologetic. There was a silence as they both waited for the other to take the first step into the verbal boxing ring. But Hanbin had always been better at winning games of silence and Bobby finally blurted out an apology.

“I’m just wanted to say I’m sorry. Really sorry. I acted like a total idiot the other night. I was rude, I was aggressive, I was pushy. I...I was just caught off guard…”

_…By the bad timing of it all, by the fact you’d go for someone like that, that he was touching your knee as if it was his, that you were smiling at him the way you used to smile at me. It just totally fucked me up and…_

“…and I didn’t handle myself well. At all. It won’t happen again. So…are we cool?” Bobby smiled hopefully. Hanbin fiddled with a paper napkin, feeling obstinate. He was glad Bobby was conceding he’d been wrong but he wasn’t satisfied quite yet.

“Yeah sure, we’re cool. But it’s not just me you need to apologise to. You were really rude to Yeongjin.” At the sound of the ulzzang’s name a bolt of jealousy struck Bobby out of nowhere at one hundred kilometres an hour. The terrible images of Hanbin and the poser together filled his mind and suddenly the word was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

“ _Who_?” He asked, feigning ignorance. Hanbin death-stared him.

 “ _Yeongjin_. The guy I’m seeing. The guy you yelled at like an asshole!”

“Oh… _that’s_ his name…there you go…you learn something new every day…”

“I’m leaving,” Hanbin stood up in disgust. Bobby realised he’d gone too far and leapt up, grabbing Hanbin’s wrist.

“Ok, ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Let’s talk, I’m serious, I was rude, I won’t do it again.” Bobby felt a moment of panic as Hanbin glared at him, obviously trying to decide whether to stay or go. Finally, Hanbin sat back down and crossed his arms looking unimpressed. Bobby sighed in relief.

_Shit dude, keep it together! Don’t blow your second chance to tell him how you feel because you can’t control your stupid feelings!_

Bobby took a deep breath and started again.

“Ok, so as I said I am really sorry, I was just caught off guard and I freaked out…and there is a reason why-”

“-I thought you said it was unprofessional of me to be dating?” Hanbin challenged him, remembering to be angry that Bobby had accused him of something so ridiculous, and now feeling even angrier that it turned out he hadn’t even meant it.

“Yeah, that wasn’t exactly…the truth, I’m sorry I said that it was really dumb. You’re the last person on earth to be unprofessional,” Bobby blushed, feeling anticipation build. Any moment now he would take out the letter in his pocket, pass it over the table to Hanbin and watch him read it…then everything would be fine. Finally Hanbin would be back in his arms and be his again.

“I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking since _Fast Forward_ ended and I want to be honest with you. And well…”

_Screw it, give him the letter, just be honest and get it over and done with!_

“I wrote this,” he said taking the letter out of his pocket and placing it on the table between them, “it says everything I want to say to you…but better I think.”

Hanbin stared at the envelope on the table and Bobby stared at him.

_A letter? But why…?_

Then Hanbin remembered Jinhwan’s words.

_he has something important to tell you. That’s all I can say_

Then it suddenly, in an avalanche of shock, it clicked. Yeongjin had been right.

_Has it occurred to you that he wants you back? That he still loves you?_

The other night all made sense now….but when, how, why? Hanbin stared at the letter intently as if he had x-ray vision and could see the actual words as impossible as they were. He did his best not to let his shock show on his face, he was too proud to let Bobby see he could still affect him. But his heart was beating painfully hard in his throat and his mind was racing, he almost felt light-headed. _How was it possible. How._ He was freaking out.

All he knew was that in that letter there were the words he had been desperately wanting from Bobby for two years. Words saying that he’d made a mistake, that he still loved him, that he wanted him back, that he’d never leave him again. Hanbin had put his life on hold emotionally to wait for the words he just _knew_ were contained within that letter. He’d withdrawn so far into himself to survive the awful waiting that he’d been reduced to a nervous, anxious shadow, he’d almost lost himself.

Now he could simply reach out, open up that envelope and read them, just as he had desperately wanted for so long. But no, he wasn’t going to, he couldn’t. He needed time to process this, he needed to buy some more time, he wasn’t going to let Bobby rush him. But how could he do that…he quickly had an idea.

 “Ok, I’ll read it…” Hanbin conceded, still staring at the envelope whilst struggling to hide the complete disarray of his mind. He was swinging between confusion, curiosity, anger, satisfaction, relief and total shock like a frantic pendulum.

Bobby’s heart raced and he waited for Hanbin to pick it the envelope up off the table, open it and begin reading. But instead Hanbin looked up at him and gave him a strange look, as if he had suddenly turned completely numb or had spaced out. “But on one condition. first you need to apologise to Yeongjin. In person.”

Bobby’s heart stopped mid-beat as he realised he wasn’t going to reconcile with Hanbin right now after all. It wasn’t going to happen for a second time. And once again, it was because of the stupid ulzzang. Then before he knew it he had lost it.

 “Drop the act Hanbin!” Bobby cried in frustration.

“What act?” Hanbin demanded defensively.

“Come on. We both know why you brought him along the other night to the dinner meant just for us, just for iKON.” Bobby gave Hanbin a defiant, knowing glare.

“ _Do_ we?” Hanbin challenged.

“I get it. You brought him to piss me off. And it worked! So, can we move on now?!”

“Right,” Hanbin nodded slowly feeling his anger build, “because everything’s about you, isn’t it Jiwon? Everything I do or don’t do, it’s always got to be about you.” 

“So what? I’m _wrong_?” Bobby demanded in frustration. “You’re telling me you’re genuinely head over heels for this guy?? After seeing him for two weeks? Come on! That’s bullshit Hanbin and both you and I know it!”

Hanbin trembled with anger. Bobby had no business acting like this if he loved him again all of a sudden. Sure, maybe Bobby was acting this way because he wanted him back – as crazy as that was – but Hanbin wasn’t going to let him write off Yeongjin as a fling to be thrown away at any time just because he’d had a change of heart. He’d had two years to take him back…but he hadn’t wanted him, he’d left him at one of the lowest points in his life without looking back. Now suddenly he wanted to walk back into his life and have him once again throw everything aside for him??

Just moments ago Hanbin had genuinely just needed more time to process the fact Bobby wanted him again, but now he was also totally content to leave Bobby in a state of suffering.

_So, it’s hard seeing someone you love move on is it Jiwon?? Well I did it for nearly two, fucking, miserable years. Now you want to come back into my life and have me throw everything aside just for you? Nah, Jiwon, it doesn’t work like that. Now it’s your turn to cry._

“I need to go now.” Hanbin informed him coldly as he stood up.

“Seriously, just read it, please!” Bobby implored picking up the envelope and waving it at him. But Hanbin was already gone, he hadn’t had time to eat or drink anything so he didn’t even need to pay. As he stormed down the street to where he’d parked his car Bobby followed, cursing and running after him.

“Hanbin, come on!” Bobby protested, grabbing Hanbin’s arm and holding on. He was feeling a ridiculous amount of panic now, he needed Hanbin to know how he felt _now_. But Hanbin shrugged him off.

“Don’t touch me like that, it’s inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate?!” Bobby objected.

“I’m in a relationship now, Jiwon. You just can’t touch me like that.” Hanbin’s words hit Bobby like hailstones and the pain stole away his breath for a moment.

“You barely know him! He barely knows you!” But Hanbin had completely closed off.

“I’ll read your letter, Jiwon - when you’re ready to act like adult and apologise to Yeongjin. If you insult him, you insult me.” Hanbin then jumped into his car without giving Bobby a second glance. Hanbin drove off and Bobby watched completely stunned his car get smaller and smaller, disappearing down the road.

Bobby stood frozen to the spot for a long time before he found the strength to head to his own car. All he knew was that now he was really in trouble, far worse trouble than even before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. the shipwreck skatepark actually exists, I didn't make it up: http://www.networka.com/stories/44377/skaters-build-diy-skatepark-on-shipwreck-in-south-korea
> 
> p.p.s the inspiration behind Yeongjin's house: https://pinthemall.net/pin/55af0c6b2b4b1/


	11. Slipping Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athazagoraphobia
> 
> (n.) the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced
> 
>    
> Abience
> 
> (n.) the strong urge to avoid someone or something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update is later than I promised! I had a very stressful week Also TRIGGER WARNING - PRETTY INTENSE ANGST AHEAD!!

It was the day after his talk with Bobby and Hanbin was in his studio doing his best to keep himself busy. He was in the middle of creating a guide track for the vocal line and was singing into a mic at his desk. Hanbin noticed Yeongjin enter his studio from the corner of his eye. As respectful to the work process as ever Yeongjin tried not to disturb him and put down his skateboard extra gently against the wall before tiptoeing to the couch.

As Hanbin sang he felt Yeongjin’s eyes on him and he glanced up quickly from the lyrics on the screen then back down again. His heart skipped a beat. They weren’t the sexy eyes Hanbin now knew to look out for moments before they kissed, or touched, or crashed down onto the nearest available surface in each other’s arms. They were the wide, curious, almost-childlike eyes Yeongjin had whenever he watched Hanbin at work.

Hanbin was beginning to like those curious eyes more and more. Like with his infectious energy while skateboarding Yeongjin’s fascination with music production also rubbed off on Hanbin. He had moments now where answering Yeongjin’s questions about making music suddenly made him even more excited about the track he was working on or gave him energy to try and finish writing a particular song that hadn’t worked out previously.

He’d also noticed how Yeongjin absorbed everything he said, sometimes casually using production terminology he’d only heard Hanbin use a day or so earlier. Hanbin’s heart had fluttered at hearing Yeongjin ask him how the guide track was going for the first time. It was like watching Yeongjin learn a whole new language just for him, just to understand more fully what he was passionate about. 

It made Hanbin realise how much he’d missed company whilst creating music. While he did need to spend long periods alone hashing things out, having someone drop by and get excited about what he was producing - or offer him some feedback or a suggestion - that was what he had missed most. That person had always been Bobby. The boys still came around too, but they were all so busy these days with their own projects that when they did come by it was to quickly record or discuss lyrics and then they had to be off again. They also all trusted Hanbin's opinion and taste so highly they often trusted him blindly. 

But now, since Yeongjin had stormed into his life and heart just four weeks ago Hanbin had been experiencing a level of song-writing creativity he could barely keep up with.  A constant flow of new songs, themes, concepts, words and melodies appeared in his mind before he’d even finished the one he was currently working on.

The simple fact of the matter was that Yeongjin made an intense, unpredictable, and dangerously sexy muse. It was almost impossible for Hanbin not be inspired by him. Everything about him from his tattoos, his unusual face, his cheeky yet brooding eyes, his long, lean, muscular figure, his smoking habit and taste for expensive liquor, to his bruised and scarred skin, his elegant fancy clothes, to his nonchalant, swaggering demeanour, it was all completely utterly fascinating. He was like a living piece of art, thrown together by an eccentric artist in a drug fuelled frenzy. 

Yeongjin also provided Hanbin inspiration by giving him insight into a lifestyle he’d never had access to, and realistically never could have access to even if he wanted because of the heavily-policed idol life he had chosen. No drugs, no alcohol, no dating, no going out alone and not telling anyone, no vandalism, no incidents with the police, no sexual indiscretions, no political statements, no anti-Korea statements…

_(And definitely NO scandalous family members. Especially not fathers accused of fraud)_

Yeongjin and the stories he told about his friends and the people he skated with were whirlwind tales of all those things rolled up together in a powerful blunt. Hanbin listened in awe of their recklessness and risk-taking. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to be so free and so unapologetically confident that putting one’s reputation on the line again and again was simply a hobby, a way to kill time. After two scandals Hanbin felt more entrapped than ever by YG’s tough reputation regulations, but who was he to complain? After all they’d saved his career twice…

So Hanbin listened to Yeongjin’s stories and let them ripple into movies, scenes and images in his mind, things that he could then translate into moods and lyrics for his music. That was the closest he’d ever get to living a life of that kind of freedom and wild abandon.

What added to their bubbling chemistry was also the fact that Hanbin knew he’d come to play an important role in Yeongjin’s skating, he’d become a sort of muse himself for Yeongjin. Almost every afternoon Hanbin would go with Yeongjin to watch him skate for an hour or two at abandoned places only Yeongjin and his friends knew about so they could have privacy. They went back to the ship wreck, to an old clothing factory, an empty cinema, a derelict park with an impressive set of stairs.

Hanbin would sit down, sometimes with a notebook, sometimes with his headphones in, and would watch Yeongjin practice. When he’d first started going to watch Yeongjin he’d doubted he even needed to be there, he thought Yeongjin was just indulging him because he knew he liked to watch. Most of the time Yeongjin was so absorbed in manipulating the board and landing new tricks that Hanbin felt like he’d forgotten he was even there. But then one afternoon when Yeongjin had had enough skating around the shipwreck and was drenched in sweat, he skated over to Hanbin with a triumphant grin.

“Tonight was good, real good. I've worked something out - it helps having you here.”

“Really?” Hanbin snickered. “I don’t do anything though…I just sit here and watch…?”

“Yeah, that’s good though, that’s perfect.” Yeongjin assured him, still slightly panting. He sat down on his board on the ground in front of him. “Because it’s just knowing you’re watching…it makes me feel like I’m skating for you too, not just me…it makes me try harder, it makes me focus more…I love it.”

Hanbin grinned back feeling warm and fuzzy. It felt nice to make someone happy again, to see them smile because of him. He hadn’t been able to do that romantically for anyone for…well a long, long time. It was also occurring to Hanbin that there were a few powerful similarities between skateboarding and song-writing. Landing a new trick or writing a new song were both journeys that sometimes became intensely lonely because both were about overcoming one’s own limitations and anxieties. Sometimes you began to wonder whether the trick would ever happen, if the song you were writing was actually totally lame...

You could ask people for their feedback on a track or get them to demonstrate the trick over and over again, but ultimately whether you solved the problem or not came down to you if you wanted to call the triumph your own. And so Hanbin understood perfectly why Yeongjin liked having him there to watch, after all they were both addicted to passions which constantly challenged their boundaries and limitations, creative and physical.

“Ok, if you’re sure,” Hanbin laughed again modestly but he glowed with happiness on the inside.

“I’m not _sure_ , I fucking _know_ there is a difference between how I skate when you’re here and when you’re not here!” Yeongjin stood up, yanked Hanbin playfully to his feet and attacked his neck with his lips. Hanbin protested as Yeongjin began to work on giving him a huge hickey.

“Quit it! I told you, no hickey’s in visible places!”

“But we’re indoors, this isn’t a visible place,” Yeongjin replied with a throaty chuckled and resumed his sucking.

“Come on, let’s go home,” Hanbin had pushed him off with a smirk.

Hanbin finished singing and put down his headphones before shooting Yeongjin a nervous smile, expecting the questions about the talk with Bobby to begin. Hanbin had been surprised that he hadn't heard from Yeongjin directly after the talk. After all Yeongjin had known what time he and Bobby had planned to meet and roughly how long they were going to talk for – Hanbin had promised the unconcerned Yeongjin no more than twenty minutes. But he hadn’t received a text or call and even now Yeongjin seemed far more interested in his music than Bobby. He was already walking over to check out what Hanbin was working on.

“That sounded good, but it’s not a track for you, is it…”

“Nah,” Hanbin chuckled. He was always surprised when Yeongjin revealed his knowledge of him as a musician, he knew Hanbin’s individual sound almost as well as he did. “It’s for the boys.”

“Cool,” Yeongjin murmured, staring intensely at the computer screen. “What is all that though…looks so confusing,” he pointed at the screen, wanting an explanation of what was going on.

 “You get used to it, you could do it easy,” Hanbin replied

“Nah no way…I’ve got shit for brains,” Yeongjin muttered. Hanbin realised from Yeongjin’s tone of voice he really meant it.

“That’s not true,” Hanbin scolded, pushing the side of Yeongjin’s head. He genuinely meant it though. There was nothing about Yeongjin that suggested to Hanbin he was stupid. He had a rough direct way of speaking, often in a kind of skateboard slang, particularly when he was with his friends. But Hanbin had always been a strong believer that intelligence could be picked up in a variety of ways, not just in how one spoke and wrote, or in the marks they got at school – it was something his dad had instilled in him. Intelligence was in adaptability, in the ability to make quick connections between things, the ability to see multiple angles to situations. And to Hanbin that was Yeongjin in a nutshell, never fazed by new people, ideas of places, always able to keep his cool and come up with his own opinion.

But Yeongjin didn’t respond to Hanbin’s defence of his intelligence. He was playing with the computer mouse and hovering over different items on the computer to read the drop-down description of their function.

“Why do you say that? Were you a bad student at school?” Hanbin asked innocently, trying not to sound too curious. Hanbin knew he was pushing it, Yeongjin didn’t talk about his past. From the way Yeongjin talked about himself it sounded to Hanbin as if he’d only materialised on earth when his skateboarding career had taken off five years ago. But Hanbin didn’t really get a sense Yeongjin was afraid to talk about his past, more that he was seriously disinterested in it and couldn’t understand why anyone else would be interested in it either.

“Yeah…well, when I was a student I was pretty dumb. I didn’t go to school for very long though...”

“What do you mean?”

“I only went to school like…here and there…off and on….” Yeongjin was barely listening to him, peering at the screen, his pupils darting all over, taking in the information and trying to make sense of it.

“How’d you get away with that?” Hanbin laughed, eager to hear more.

“Long story,” Yeongjin muttered. He stopped staring at Hanbin’s computer and turned to him with the same wide-eyed curiosity. “Can I listen to that song again when you’ve edited it?”

“Yeah sure, but you have to tell me about not going to school first. I want to know how you got away with it.”

“So what happened with Bobby...?” Yeongjin asked completely ignoring his question and looking at him expectantly.

_Ah. There we are. So you haven' forgotten..._

Hanbin forgot about Yeongjin’s school years immediately and was filled with awkward dread. He had been wondering what the hell he was going to tell and not tell Yeongjin about the talk with Bobby. However, it seemed Yeongjin didn’t need a very thorough explanation, he already guessed what had happened.

“I was right wasn’t I? He still wants you, he’s still in love with you.” Yeongjin smiled at him and Hanbin he couldn’t deny it.

“I don’t know that he _loves_ me,” Hanbin scoffed, “But yeah...I think he wants me back…” he admitted sullenly.

“He confessed?”

“Not quite…” Hanbin blushed, wondering whether it was normal to talk about an ex like this with a new boyfriend, “He wanted me to read a letter…he said it contained everything he wanted to tell me…”

“And did you?”

“Nope.” It was Hanbin’s turn now to focus on the computer in front of him again so he didn’t have to make eye contact with Yeongjin.

“Why?” Yeongjin asked genuinely curious and Hanbin sighed. “Don’t you want to know what the fuck is going through his head?”

“I told him I wouldn’t read it until he apologised to you. In person.” Yeongjin stared at him. “For you know, being rude to you the other night at the restaurant.” Yeongjin burst into hearty laughter.

“So what, now he’s going to ask to meet up with me??”

“No, it will never happen, he’s too stubborn,” Hanbin muttered, his cheeks feeling warm.

When Hanbin had told Bobby he wouldn’t read the letter until he’d apologised to Yeongjin one part of him had genuinely meant it, after all Bobby had been really rude, he’d yelled at a virtual stranger. But another part of Hanbin knew that deep down Yeongjin hadn’t really been offended by Bobby’s rudeness, if anything he’d been fascinated and amused.

The whole bargain had really been driven by Hanbin’s need to avoid Bobby’s confession in all its bewildering, terrifying, confusing entirety. He was having trouble processing the idea that Bobby was genuinely head over heels in love for him again. It completely overwhelmed him and gave him chills, he didn’t even want to think about it.

Hanbin also knew that Bobby was determined to hate Yeongjin no matter what because he clearly believed Yeongjin was just a replacement, an imposter, someone he’d found to get him by till they got back together.

Therfore Hanbin knew that Bobby would rather die than apologise to Yeongjin - that was exactly why he set that condition –  so he’d never be forced to read Bobby’s stupid letter. So, he’d never have to revisit his feelings for Bobby, so he could keep moving on with Yeongjin without looking back on the emotional wreckage and waste that had been the last two years of his life.

_Fuck you Jiwon! Why are you always trying to hold me back?? Trying to drag me back into the past??_

“Serious?? He won’t do it?” Yeongjin looked disappointed. “Damn, you have no idea how much I would have loved that,” Yeongjin shook his head smiling, “fuck, I would have given him so much shit, I swear to god...” Hanbin’s stomach dropped and he stared at Yeongjin with wide horrified eyes.

“What?!” Yeongjin just laughed but Hanbin grabbed his arm and shook it fiercely.

“No, this isn’t a joke! You can’t tell him I told you anything – the scandal, my decision to go solo, the breakup, _nothing_!”

“Ok! Ok, ok, ok!” Yeongjin chuckled, prying Hanbin off his arm. “I’m just kidding!” relieved Hanbin returned to frowning at his computer. He hated talking about Bobby with Yeongjin, it made him so uneasy and the whole thing only seemed to amuse Yeongjin.

“Look I just want to forget about him…I just want to think about you,” Hanbin implored. Yeongjin chuckled and nuzzled the side of Hanbin’s face.

“That’s really cute baby…but you seem to have forgotten something…” Yeongjin purred in his ear. “You’re attending the _Fast Forward_ final ceremony with him soon…he’s not gone from your life quite yet.” Hanbin’s stomach dropped. How had he forgotten? Getting with Yeongjin seemed to have caused him amnesia in many areas of his life, he often felt these days he was losing track of time and the days of the week. Namkyu had already ticked him off several times the past two weeks for not being more prepared to resume his upcoming public appearances schedule…

Hanbin stared at his computer feeling worried as Yeongjin got up and stretched before plonking himself down on the sofa again, where Namkyu used to relax.

What the hell was going to happen at the ceremony, Hanbin wondered? He and Bobby were going to have to spend the whole time being watched together, analysed, everything. All he could do was slip into B.I. mode and stay in it all night, that was his only option, as exhausting as it was. He’d never make it through the night otherwise…

 

***

 

“So, how are you?” Jinhwan asked through the phone.

Bobby didn’t answer immediately, he rubbed his face with his free hand and praised God Jinhwan couldn’t see the state he was in right now. He was in the recording studio where he had spent most of his time the past two weeks, working hard on a song. He left literally to sleep, that was it. Working on his album was the only thing that could keep Hanbin and Yeongjin off his mind.

The time since his last disastrous talk with hanbin had gone past in an agonising blur of recording, meeting with producers, trying not to let slip to the boys he was starting to panic about Yeongjin, and desperately trying not to think too much about anything. He looked worn out, he hadn’t been eating properly – just takeaway night after night so he was feeling gross and greasy- and anyone could tell he was on edge from the way he was constantly fidgeting and shifting around in his seat.

The only good thing that was coming out of being left hanging was plenty of emotion to turn into songs. Music was the only time when he could work with the torrent of emotions he was feeling rather than against them. He looked at the words he’d been reading off the screen, feeling both proud and emotional. He just hoped Hanbin would be by his side and listening to them before they were released as a track.

 

Sometimes, I’m poison to you  
I might give you a hard time baby  
But after time, when you look back  
I hope you’ll be smiling, my baby  
So I can be your last that no one else was  
So come and take my hand

 

 

“I’ve been better...” He mumbled finally.

“Yep, just as I thought.” Jinhwan snapped, suddenly changing his patient tune. “This is all because you can’t cut your stupid pride and apologise to Yeongjin, you know that right?” Bobby groaned. Not this again.

“I’m not apologising to him,” Bobby growled. Jinhwan tutted in frustration.

“You’re impossible. I don’t even feel sorry for you.”

Bobby knew his refusal to apologise to Yeongjin appeared totally petty to Jinhwan and he was right. Jinhwan just didn’t understand why Bobby wouldn’t accept one small blow to his pride if it meant he could win Hanbin back. Bobby also knew the boys thought that too. Obviously his bad meeting with Hanbin had spread like wildfire and almost every day he received a text or two from one of the boys asking him if he’d tried to reach out to Yeongjn through Hanbin yet. He mostly ignored those message or replied back with a simple _No_. 

But Bobby couldn’t explain to them there was more to his stubbornness than spite. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to apologise to Yeongjin, it was that he actually couldn’t. He genuinely didn't believe he was strong enough. Hearing from Jinhwan’s own mouth that Hanbin and Yeongjin were having sex had been a hideous blow in the moment, but Bobby being naturally resilient and positive had quickly put it aside in favour of remaining hopeful that his talk with Hanbin would go well.

When it didn’t…the doubt grew again into a huge, dark, abyss that he become terrified of staring into for too long. His confusion and horror at the idea of Hanbin being intimate with someone had deepened over the last two weeks into a numbing depression.

It perturbed Bobby that Hanbin seemed to be under the spell of this guy so soon, after all, even when Hanbin had loved him to bits he’d never been easy to control or manipulated. The Hanbin he knew had been headstrong, determined not to lose his independence, scared of losing control…what had happened to him??

Bobby couldn’t help entering into a mindset of comparison. It had taken Hanbin a month to get used to kissing him. Two months for it to sink in that Bobby was now his official boyfriend. Three months to get used to Bobby making moves on him. Four months to get used to Bobby finding him attractive. Five months for him  to finally open up to Bobby when he was feeling down. Sixth months to warm up to the idea of fooling around together. Seven months for that fooling around to begin to happen. And eight months before being ready to have sex.

At the time, the way Bobby had coped with Hanbin’s often disheartening aloofness by reassuring himself that it wasn’t personal. Hanbin loved him, found him attractive and did want to be with him and him alone. It was just that Hanbin was complex…he was strong and fragile at the same time. He needed to be so on guard professionally all the time that he found it hard to let down his walls, he was scared of being opened up by someone in case it meant he'd never be able to close up, compartmentalise and focus again. Bobby convinced himself, and the boys had kindly backed him up, that Hanbin would be slow with anyone and he probably wouldn’t grow out of it. He was just a prickly guy and always would be.

But how did that explain what was going on now with him and Yeongjin? What was it about Yeongjin that had made Hanbin so eager to bare his soul? to him What did Yeongjin have that he didn’t? Was it really possible that Yeongjin was a good match for Hanbin? That Yeongjin handled prickly Hanbin better than he had?

Those worried killed him. They kept him up at night, made his chest ache and his head spin. He had started going to his local church twice a day. Once in the morning for the service and once before heading home after recording. He sat down in the pews for the service with all the little old ladies, got on his knees, clasped his hands together in front of him and rested his furrowed forehead against them. Then he spoke to God, more often than not rather angrily.

 

_Hey Big Dude,_

_Firstly, thanks for keeping me and my family safe and blessing us all with good health. In particular, grandma. You helped her recover really well from that surgery she had on her hip, thank you so much. Please keep watching over her. Also thank you for keeping my brother in the states safe and helping my sister-in-law’s business boom. They're so happy and cute and shit and that’s really cool of you. Also thank you for this crazy opportunity I have to finally make my solo album. It’s going really good, the songs I am making are lit, and I wanna make everyone proud. Thank you and please keep watching over me._

_Now, on another note. DUDE! Seriously?? What the actual FUCK?? Why’d you go send Hanbin fuckin’ Yeongjin?? Just when you KNEW I loved him again?? WHY?? Are you making this harder for me on purpose?? Is there some kind of lesson you want me to get out of this?? Because, I’m gonna be honest with you man, it’s not sinking in because I’m starting to freak out and my brain is shutting down!! Please, help Hanbin remember he loves me, that we’re soulmates. Coz with this Yeongjin guy around I think he needs some help…I can’t be without him, I love him so much I feel like I am slowly suffocating. So please. PLEASE…help me, send him back to me. I’ll do anything._

_Ok signing off. I still love you I guess._

 

Bobby didn’t want to admit it to Jinhwan, or anyone, let alone himself, but the idea of speaking to Yeongjin filled him with a horror he couldn’t even quite articulate. It was like looking into the face of everything disappointing and painful in the world. He would have to sit down opposite the guy and look at his face. Look at the lips that had kissed Hanbin. The eyes that had seen Hanbin’s bare body, that smirk which had no doubt greeted him first thing in the morning. The arms and hands that had held him, touched him, pleasured him.

No, he couldn’t speak to Yeongjin. He was just going to have to stack all his chips on the next time he knew he was guaranteed to see Hanbin at the _Fast Forward_ final ceremony. He didn’t know how he was going to manage it but he was going to have to find time alone with Hanbin and confess then. He had no other option because as much as he hated to admit it he was running out of time and Yeongjin was the cause.

“Don’t feel sorry for me then,” Bobby grumbled, “I’m seeing him in a week anyway, at the ceremony. We’ll talk then.”

“Really? At the ceremony? Don’t do anything stupid Jiwon, I swear.” Jinhwan warned. 

“I won’t,” Bobby scowled. He’d made an ass of himself twice in public now, he wasn’t going to do it again. “I’ll speak to him after or something, I’ll make sure it will happen. It has to happen, it might be my last chance…” Jinhwan heard Bobbys voice fade out tremulously. He didn’t know what to say to comfort him though, he was still annoyed with Bobby and Hanbin for both being so ridiculously stubborn about everything.

“Jiwon…” Jinhwan sighed wearily, but Bobby interrupted him in a fragile voice that made Jinhwan freeze. 

“I feel like he’s slipping away from me…” Jinhwan’s heart ached at the sound of such sadness in Bobby’s voice, “I’m trying…I promise. I know I’ve fucked up twice now and I’m sorry this is heaps stressful for you…”

“Jiwon…” Jinhwan tried again to find the words but he couldn’t. Bobby needed reassurance that Hanbin still loved him…but Jinhwan didn’t know what was going on anymore. Hanbin had been becoming increasingly distant with all of them since Yeongjin came along. Hed gone back to missing his calls and failing to return them. And now Jinhwan was working hard on getting the vocal line ready for their next public appearance he didn't have the time to chase Hanbin for the updates.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything,” Bobby chuckled, trying to be brave. “I’m not giving up yet. I know when he reads my letter he’ll take me back. I just know it. Soon we’ll be back together, how good will that be?? Ikon back together at last?? The hiatus will be over!” Jinhwan tried to reply with a tentative grunt but it came out sounding more like a whimper. Bobby just laughed. “Ok, I’ve gotta go I’m meeting Dong for lunch now.”

“Yeah, I know. He told me.”

 “Everything will be fine Jinhwan. Really, it will all be fine.” Bobby hung up with a smile on his face and once again took out the letter he’d been keeping in his pocket folded up. He held it in his hands like it was a letter from God and sighed.

_Please, Bin. Just give me a chance. Let me tell you what I think happened with us. Let me back in._

 

***

 

Bobby strolled casually into the club he’d planned to meet Donghyuk for lunch. It was good to be someplace other than the recording studio with a sense of purpose. He’d thought he was late but it turned out Dong was still ten minutes away. It was a nice club that posed as a kind of café-restaurant during the day but turned into a much racier joint in the evenings. Bobby and Dong often met there during the week to discuss music and catch up. Today they wanted to talk specifically about a collaboration. Bobby wanted Dong’s sweet, sultry vocals to feature in a song he had in mind, and today he was going to pitch the idea to him.

Bobby was heading towards the table where they always sat near the back when suddenly someone called out to him.

“Yo! Bobby! What a coincidence! Sup, man?”

The voice came from Bobby’s left catching him by surprise. He assumed it must have been a friend for them to speak to him so casually but when he eagerly spun around his eyes fell on Yeongjin, Hanbin’s “boyfriend.” Immediately his stomach dropped and every atom of his body was filled with a terrible sensation, a combination of a hundred different negative emotions. Awkwardness, resentment, pain, sadness, disgust and jealousy.

Yeongjin was sitting at a table in an alcove playing cards with three other friends. They were smoking cigars and had obviously been there for a while as they had a collection of several empty glasses each. Yeongjin was dealing the cards with the same arrogant nonchalance Bobby remembered from the first night he’d laid eyes on him, the same style with which he’d tossed the notes at the cab driver. Yeongjin’s face was blank and didn’t match the chipper tone with which he’d got his attention. Bobby realised he was being mocked and he tensed up.

_Hanbin, seriously?? Who is this motherfucker??_

Bobby stood frozen on the spot deeply resenting the coincidence. _Why?_ Of all the clubs in Seoul, the exact person he had been doing his utmost best the last two weeks to avoid and not think about, just had to be in this one. Bobby did the only thing he could. He grit his teeth and settled for giving Yeongjin a curt nod. He wasn’t getting anything more, anything less. He began to walk away but Yeongjin called out to him again in the same false tone. 

 “I’ve been waiting to hear from you!” Bobby couldn’t help it, he froze again. “I thought we were meant to be making up? I’ve been waiting for my apology…but no word from you…”

“ _What_?” Bobby spun around with a glare. Great. So Yeongjin knew Hanbin had asked him to apologise. _Fan-fucking-tastic, good one Hanbin_. Bobby was seething, who the fuck did this guy think he was to ask for an apology? To think he had the right to speak to him so casually as if he knew him? In public nonetheless?

“Yeah, an _apology_.” Yeongjin reiterated calmly, tapping a stack of cards against the table to align them. He glanced up at Bobby from under his brow. “You know what that is right? It means to ‘express regret for something one has done wrong.’” Yeongjin’s companions snorted at his patronising tone and Bobby felt his anger skyrocket. Bobby breathed out through his nose slowly and with great difficulty he convinced himself to keep cool. He was above public brawling, that was that.

 “I don’t owe you shit.” Bobby muttered and turned around.

“Ok, how about a new deal then?” Yeongjin asked. Bobby kept walking. “I’ll give up the apology you owe me if you apologise _twice_ to Hanbin. God knows, you owe him that at least…”

 “Apologise to Hanbin for what?” Bobby demanded furiously, once again he had turned around and was glaring at Yeongjin. The mention of Hanbin had truly set him off. Yeongjin could insult him all he wanted, but there was no way he was going to let Yeongjin talk about Hanbin and his relationship. Not over his dead body. Yeongjin stared at him, radiating a calm menace.

“You _know_ what you did, Bobby.”

Yeongjin spoke with such an arrogant certainty that Bobby felt almost winded with anger.  The next thing he knew he was standing over Yeongjin at his table, leaning on his white, clenched knuckles on the tabletop, daring him to continue. Yeongjin’s friends had tensed up too and were perched on their seats, ready to jump up if anything happened.

“What did I do? _Go on, tell me_!” Bobby snarled murderously. Yeongjin leisurely crushed out his cigar on a silver ashtray then as if he was irritated by Bobby’s poor memory he held up his tattooed fingers to use as counters.

“First, you dumped him the moment his reputation was questioned. Second, you got jealous when he had to go solo. Third, you abandoned him for two freaking years–“

Yeongjin didn’t get to continue his catalogue of Bobby’s sins because before Bobby knew what he was doing he’d gripped Yeognjin fiercely by the collar, jerking him forward. The motion rocked the table and glasses of alcohol bounced dangerously. There was a smash as Yeongjin's current drink toppled to the floor and Bobby felt its contents splash against his leg. There were several sharp intakes of breath from onlookers and the club fell silent. He felt the hands of Yeongjin’s friends on him, trying to separate him from Yeongjin’s collar but he held on with the sudden strength of a body builder in a blind furious determination to silence Yeongjin and his terrible words. He was so angry he felt as if he was outside his own body, looking onwards with the other witness and just as shocked by his own actions as they were.

_Woah, dude, are you really doing this?!_

“You don’t know shit about what happened!” Bobby hissed into Yeongjing’s face. “You don’t know me and _none_ of that is true.” Yeognjin stared at him with a face that was completely blank except for what Bobby could have sworn was the tiniest glint of satisfaction in his eyes. Yeongjin sneered and flung Bobby’s hands off his collar with a surprising amount of strength. Bobby didn’t back off though, he continued standing over him and Yeongjin faced him off just as fearlessly.

“Yeah, but you know what I think…?” Yeongjn spoke softly, almost innocently. It gave Bobby chills. “…if it’s not true…why are you so pissed off?”

Bobby didn’t know what would have happened next if a burly security guard hadn’t suddenly appeared, grabbed him by the shoulders and forcibly led him away. He probably would have punched Yeongjin in the face then kicked him for good measure. He was being escorted swiftly through the entrance of the club still shaking with anger when he heard Yeongjin’s mocking farewell.

“Bye Bobby! I’ll be waiting!”

***

 

“Do you want to cook dinner soon?” Hanbin asked the still sleepy Yeongjin. Yeongjin had woken up only five minutes ago because apparently he’d drunk too much while out with his friends for lunch. Hanbin hadn’t joined them because he’d been determined to finish a song for the vocal line-  and he had - so he was in a bouncy, satisfied mood. The kind of mood that made him want to tease and be teased by Yeongjin. So he'd swung by Yeongjin's house, a place he had found himself becoming more and more attached to as time went on. 

Now Yeongjin was seated on the edge of his big, luxurious bed dopily fixing a loose set of wheels on his skateboard with a screwdriver. His frown of intense concentration made Hanbin’s heart flutter and he couldn’t stop himself from brushing a strand of hair away from Yeongjn’s eyes and back behind one of his heavily pierced ears. Yeongjin smiled at the gesture and looked up at him with honeyed eyes.

“Yeah, sure, just give me a second…gotta fix this stupid sonofabitch…nearly broke my ankle this morning because of this bent bolt…” Hanbin laughed and Yeongjin grinned. “I mean you can go start chopping or something…there’s a lot of steps in that hot pot recipe you chose…why’d do you always choose the hardest recipe?”

“No, I want to wait for you…your kitchen scares me…especially your oven.”

“You just want me to do all the work!” Yeongjin protested and Hanbin laughed again. Then his phone rang, it was Namkyu.

“Nam!”

“Do you have a moment to talk?” Namkyu asked sternly. Hanbin realised this was going to be a serious conversation, no doubt Nam was pissed off he’d forgotten to return a call or something. He decided to leave Yeongjin and his skateboard be and have the rest of the conversation outside in the long, grey hallway.

“Just a sec…” Hanbin muttered as he closed the bedroom door shut, “what’s up?” He asked cautiously.

“Hanbin it’s about the incident that took place between Bobby and Yeongjin today. Basically the media caught wind of what happened and the YG public relations department are rather testy about it all.” Hanbin was silent for a second, thinking maybe he’d misheard something.

“An incident? What?”  

“Yes, that’s what they’re calling it” Namkyu repeated wearily, “and I’m calling you to pass on a caution. We can’t have you being associated with someone who’s going to get into punch-ups with other YG family members, so can you ask your boyfriend, kindly of course, to reign it in please.”

“Nam, I have no idea what you’re talking about!” Hanbin muttered nervously. He was beyond confused. Bobby and Yeongjin had an incident?? Punch-ups??

“Have you spoken to Yeongjin today?” Namkyu asked, now also confused.

“Yeah! I’m with him right now!” Hanbin replied laughing, hoping this was all just a silly mistake.

“So, he hasn’t told you yet that he and Bobby bumped into each other at a club this afternoon? Bobby was supposed to be meeting Donghyuk there but instead he got into some kind of altercation with Yeongjin. Apparently Yeongjin provoked him and he grabbed Yeongjin by the collar, knocking the table about, spilling a few drinks, and accidentally breaking a glass or two. He was escorted out of the club by security before anything escalated further and of course some paparazzi caught the whole thing…that’s another story though, the PR team is sorting Bobby out…” Hanbin was in shock and a dozen questions raced through his mind.

How had Yeongjin “provoked” Bobby? What the hell was Bobby thinking getting physical in club in the afternoon? And why hadn’t Yeongjin told him?

“Hanbin?” Nam checked to see if his client was still on the other line. Hanbin grunted, he couldn’t speak, he was too embarrassed. “You really didn’t know about this did you?” Hanbin grunted again, confirming Namkyu’s suspicions. Namkyu sighed.

“Ok, well, I don’t want to interfere in your relationship, I will leave the two of you to sort it out, but please, pass on the stern message to your boyfriend that what happened today cannot happen again.”

“Yep.” Hanbin muttered shortly, his cheeks flaming.

“And don’t worry, Bobby got a far more severe talking to. See you tomorrow for the radio show.” Namkyu hung up. Hanbin stood in the long, dark hallway and felt mortification encompass his whole being. Then he opened the bedroom door and strode in feeling like there was fire licking his heels. He needed an explanation from Yeongjin immediately.

“Why didn’t you tell me you saw Bobby today?” Hanbin didn’t even try to stop his voice from sounding accusatory, he was furious. Yeongjin looked up at him from the skateboard he was fixing in mild surprise.

“Yeah, I did speak to Bobby. And I was going to tell you about it over dinner. What of it?” Yeongjin asked calmly before looking back down and tweaking a bolt on the wheels.

“What the hell happened?? What did you say to him?!” Hanbin demanded. He was trembling with nervous anger. Yeongjin looked up again and gave him an ironic smile.

“I told him the truth.”

“And what’s the truth??” Hanbin felt his stomach knot and his face flush with horror. He remembered just the other day how disappointed Yeongjin had been that Bobby wasn’t going to apologise to him…had he taken an opportunity to confront him about something??

As if to confirm his suspicions Yeongjin put the skateboard down on his knees and looked at Hanbin directly without a hint of shame.

“I told him he was a prick for leaving you when your reputation was jeopardised, that he was jealous of your opportunity to go solo and that he was an asshole for abandoning you. The truth.” Hanbin’s stomach dropped the same way it did when he missed a step on the way from his studio to his bedroom after working late into the night, the same a sickening swoop. Milliseconds later the anger returned and he realised he was about to blow and that he needed to get away to cool down. It must have shown on his face as clear as day because Yeongjin put his skateboard down on the floor and stood up to approach him. He turned and began to storm off but Yeongjin was remarkably agile and caught his arm from behind.

“Hey! Come on, talk to me!” Yeongjin insisted. Hanbin shook him off but Yeongjin caught his flailing arm again.

“I don’t want to talk to you!” Hanbin heard himself snap but Yeongjin grabbed both his arms and held him uncomfortably tight. He stared down at him with a dark look on his face.

“Don’t walk away when you’re pissed off with me, Hanbin!” Yeongjin warned in a tone that made Hanbin’s blood run cold. “Maybe Bobby let you get away with that when you were together, but you’re not doing it with me! Be honest! Be a man! Say what’s on your mind! Don’t fuckin’ run off like a coward!” Hanbin flushed with shame. Was Yeongjin right? Was his way of dealing with anger cowardly??

“Say it! Say why you’re angry with me!” Yeongjin yelled. Hanbin looked away feeling both furious and ashamed. Yeongjin gave him a single shake. “Just fuckin’ say it Hanbin!!” Hanbin snapped.

“You humiliated me!” Hanbin yelled, his face red with an anger that wasn’t used to being released. He felt like a furious fizzing, pepsi bottle exploding under pressure. “You’ve made me look like an idiot!!”

“How??” Yeongjin demanded, his hands still gripping Hanbin’s arms as if he was never going to let him go.

“You said shit to Bobby and he’s going to think _I_ told you to say!! He’s going to think _I_ think that!!”

“Big deal!! It’s the truth and he fucking needed to hear it! Why does it matter what he thinks??”

“That’s not the point!” Hanbin yelled, his voice had become shrill with rage.

“IT. IS. THE. POINT. WAKE UP HANBIN!” Yeongjin bellowed. Hanbin fell into silent shock. Yeongjin’s emphatic, harsh words were like a kick in the stomach, he felt stunned and winded. This was the first time they’d fought, it was terrifying because Yeongjin truly matched him in aggression. it was like fighting with himself.

“Listen to me! The only reason you care is because you _let_ yourself care!” Yeongjin shouted. “You think his opinion of you still matters because he dumped you when you made a decision he didn’t like! He abandoned you when you needed him most! And that hurt you! It fucking broke your heart! It scarred you! It left you in pieces for nearly two fucking _years_!!” Hanbin felt countless emotions began to snowball in his chest, collecting more and more on the way towards his throat, tightening it painfully. “That’s the only reason why you still care! It’s not that he’s right! It’s not that he’s important! His opinion means shit Hanbin because he doesn’t _know_ you anymore! And you don’t _owe_ him anything! So what if he likes you or hates you?? It doesn’t even fucking matter anymore! He’s in the past!” Yeongjin finished yelling and there was a long silence they stared at each other both shocked and angry. Then Yeongjin’s face suddenly softened and his grip on Hanbin loosened.

“He’s just a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how amazing you are…” Yeongjin’s voice dropped to soft, earnest, comforting murmur.

He took Hanbin’s face tenderly in his hands and looked at him with eyes that seemed to see straight through him, through to where he hid all his unbearable feelings towards Bobby, all the guilt, shame, resentment, and anxiety. Suddenly all Hanbin’s anger was gone, the shock took over and he lost it. He began to weep.

Maybe Yeongjin was right? Maybe that was all his anger really was? Just left-over guilt, unnecessary guilt about the decision he made that Bobby broke up with him over?

“You’re amazing, Hanbin…you are, you’re so…so…” Yeongjin stopped speaking as Hanbin slumped forwards into his chest and cried raw, vulnerable tears, releasing the last, final drops of the poison Bobby had left in him. Yeongjin held him warm and tight and Hanbin felt his lips gently graze his neck and ear.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to humiliate you. I just hate what he did to you…I hate that he hurt you.” Yeongjin murmured against the side of his head.

Hanbin turned his head towards Yeongjin’s mouth with his damp, blurry eyes closed. He wanted Yeongjin to touch him, to be completely entwined in his strong, protective limbs. Yeongjin’s lips met his and then they were holding each other’s faces and kissing as if they were living their last moment on earth. They fell backwards onto Yeongjin's bed and for the first time since Hanbin had started sleeping with Yeongjin, they made love.

In every kiss, every touch and every thrust, Hanbin could feel that finally they were connecting physically on a deeper level, something he hadn’t even realised he had been waiting for, hoping for. Up until now having sex with Yeongjin had been chasing one exciting, urgent release after another. But now with Yeongjin inside him, making love to him, groaning his name again and again into his neck, pinning his hands down on the bed, giving him a pleasure so intense he saw stars behind his eyes and he gasped for breath, Hanbin finally felt it. This was what he had been waiting for, that little part of him that had still been timidly holding back had finally given way.

As they lay tangled together in a cathartic silence, watching as the sunset moodily scattered different shades of pink around the huge room, Hanbin contemplated the new things he had realised about Yeongjin just now.

Yeongjin was fiercely loyal and that was good and bad. On one hand he could see that Yeongjin was the type who never backed away from defending those he loved, and that made Hanbin feel incredibly safe. On the other hand, Yeongjin’s intense loyalty scared him. If it could take the form of calling out Bobby in public than how else would this loyalty manifest?

Something else he realised about Yeongjin was that he had was the guts to call him out when he being immature and passive-aggressive. No one had forced Hanbin to confront his own silent, seething anger in years. Everyone close to him had always just accepted his rages and silent treatment. The last person to confront him about his behaviour had been Bobby. It had always been Bobby but even he’d hated doing it. The other boys had never dared. They had let him storm off, sulk, and snap at them, just as he had intended to do with Yeongjin.

But Yeongjin had forced him to stay and say what was on his mind and it had been terrifying and confronting but also…it had felt really fucking good. Althought fighting with Yeongjin had been unpleasant it was clear Yeongjin wanted to hear what he had to say. He wanted Hanbin to be honest with him, no matter how brutal that honesty was. 

But it was the last realisation he’d had about Yeongjin that had really gotten to him, it was far scarier than the first two put together. As Hanbin felt Yeongjin's heart beat calmly beneath his cheek he realised with a shiver that travelled from head to toe that he was starting to fall in love.

 

***

 

The cameras flashed in an epileptic frenzy as Bobby and Hanbin stood before them on the red carpet, a black wall covered in _Fast Forward_ and _YG_ logos behind them. They were standing next to each other and doing their very best to look friendly and natural despite the icy tension between them. The incident with Yeongjin in the club was in the forefront of Hanbin’s mind. He’d well and truly made up with Yeongjin and now they were stronger than ever, they’d survived their first hurdle. Now Hanbin was just angry with Bobby for haunting him like a spectre, he just couldn’t shake him. Furthermore he was anxious Bobby had something planned for tonight, that they’d have to talk.

Bobby had forgotten his incident with Yeongjin the moment he laid eyes on Hanbin looking incredible at the YG building. They had been asked to meet there to arrive at the ceremony together.  Now he was just determined not to lose another opportunity to tell Hanbin how he really felt and was doing his best to stay calm. Bobby usually enjoyed acting and was good at it, but this incredibly public moment in front of fans, cameras, other artists, media and television personalities was something else. Bobby noticed that Hanbin, who had always been a much better actor than he’d given himself credit for, was also struggling. He was letting slip now and again the subtlest signs of his nervousness that only Bobby could pick up. It was in the slightly more cynical than usual answers he gave the interviewers when they asked them both for their opinions on who would win. It was also in his tight, shy smile when a flock of fans behind them screamed out his name, drowning out his voice for a second. It was in the way that he seemed to look for someone to touch every now and again, the way he always did for reassurance when in public, only to remember he was just with him…and they were definitely not on touching terms.

Bobby did his very best to seem carefree as they walked together along the red carpet and up the stairs to the concert venue. He squeezed fans hands and signed their merchandise every now and again when possible. Hanbin looked aloof yet very cool. He touched fans hands too but more gently, as if scared he might fall apart from their love. Bobby could tell he was trying to hold something together.

_Trust me Hanbin, you’re not as scared as me right now. I can promise you that._

They were finally inside and shown to where they would be sitting for the duration of the performance. Next to them were Taeyang and GD, and further up was Dara and CL. They greeted their seniors politely and exchanged pleasantries, but all of them as coaches were nervous and distracted about the performances to come.

 Adding to the anticipation was the venue itself, packed with incredibly zealous fans. A nervous, thrilling energy pulsed through the whole building and every now and the fans would suddenly break out in chants and cheers for their favourite trainees. YG would arrive shortly and then the ceremony would begin but in the meantime Hanbin and Bobby sat next to each other in a falsely carefree silence. They were both sitting upright smiling, looking around, trying to look at ease in each other’s company, all too aware of the cameras that panned across the venue taking in the facial expressions of all the celebrity guests. At one stage the camera focussed on Bobby and Hanbin, they both smiled as a hysterical cheers rippled over the crowds.

_Double B, back together again. Oh what joy, what a miracle..._

They both let out their held breath when the camera moved on. To distract himself from his awkwardness Hanbin looked over at the stage lit up with lights, a stunning set and the _Fast Forward_ Logo. If Hanbin was completely honest, he knew he was going to struggle while  watching the trainees perform. It wasn’t that he wasn’t curious to see how far they’d come, or that he didn’t care, it was that he knew the moment they walked on stage he’d see all the ways he could have helped but didn’t have time to. He was also dreading seeing the heartbreak on the trainees faces when they were not called out into the top five to fast track debut.

He’d watched the rest of the _Fast Forward_ episodes with Yeongjin who’d asked him every week who was going to make it to the final top five. Hanbin had listed the names without hesitation, three girls two guys.

“How do you know?” Yeongjin had asked amused by his certainty.

“They have the trifecta. Skills, looks, endurance.”

Bobby had been watching the show too, often with the boys and they had done the same, asking him who he thought would make it to the top five. Maybe that would be a good conversation starter? Bobby was determined they had to find something to talk about, there was no way he was going to sit next to the hanbin in awkward silence all night. He turned to him.

“So, who do you think will make it?” Bobby asked Hanbin as casually as he could. Hanbin shifted in his seat without looking at him. Bobby waited but didn't get a reply. “Ok…we can just sit in silence, cool..” Bobby was wearing a fake smile on his face and Hanbin looked over at him with an equally fake smile, irritation flickering in his eyes.

“I’m not sure we have much to talk about.”

“Actually, we do,” Bobby replied with a strained chuckle, deciding to cut straight to the point. “I wanted to know if I could speak to you for a moment after the show…” Bobby proposed as confidently as he could manage. Hanbin didn’t say anything but Bobby noticed his cheeks and ears flush pink. For some reason seeing that moved him and a sudden rush of love flooded his chest.

Before Bobby could press for an answer from Hanbin YG arrived and then things happened very quickly. The evenings hosts came out, Yoo Ina and Daesung as always, and to both Hanbin and Bobby’s horror they were invited by Daesung first to give a comment about what they were hoping to see from the trainees. As the cameras focused on them and they saw their faces up on the huge screen they both turned on their most charming and comfortable smiles. There was a quick sprinkle of cheering as their fans delighted in seeing them. 

“I want to see them having fun. If they have fun, we’ll have fun,” was Bobby’s smiling answer.

“I want to see how much they want it. Their passion will be the deciding factor,” was Hanbin’s cheeky reply as the audiences squealed and cheered.

The hosts then turned their attention to YG and Bobby and Hanbin could relax once more, both hoping they had given nothing away of the tension between them. YG shared some of his cryptic thoughts as well as the other coaches and then the first performance began. It was an upbeat, hip hop number containing all ten trainees and both Bobby and Hanbin were amazed to see how far the trainees had come.

When the performance finished in a burst of applause Bobby took the opportunity to lean over to Hanbin and ask again.

“Give me ten minutes after this, that’s all I need.” Hanbin nodded along as if Bobby was telling him something interesting he agreed with, but on the inside he was struggling to come up with an excuse.

“It’s not appropriate. I’m in a relationship now.”

“He doesn’t need to know.”

“Of course you’d think that, loyalty isn’t really your thing, is it?” Hanbin’s words were like a wasp-sting and Bobby clenched his jaw. Before he could reply Daesung and Yoo Ina were back and asking CL and Dara to share their thoughts, Hanbin and Bobby listened politely. Then the second performance began.

It went by in a blur, this time it was a more diverse performance full of emotional highs and lows, with sad song and joyful songs, the theme was lust for life. Once again it finished to riotous applause and knowing he had time before the final performance Bobby took another chance, feeling braver after watching such an invigorating routine. He didn’t like it but he was going to have to be manipulative this time and take advantage of Hanbin’s protectiveness of Yeongjin.

“Fine. But I’m just surprised, that’s all…” Bobby muttered mysteriously. Forgetting himself for a moment Hanbin gave Bobby a snappish look.

“Surprised? What are you going on about?” Bobby shrugged, looking around the venue nonchalantly, still clapping.

“I Just didn’t realise you were into the possessive type. The type who told you what you could or couldn’t do.”

“He’s not _possessive_ ,” Hanbin retorted. He quickly remembered where he was and resumed his thoughtful smile, trying to curtail his anger. “I’m just being respectful.”

“Yeah, respectful. Coz you know he was the total opposite of that the other day at the club, right?” Bobby chuckled bitterly. Hanbin blushed again and switched his crossed legs over. He didn’t feel he could turn Bobby down now for not apologising to Yeongjin, not after Yeongjin had been the one to provoke him in public…logically they both kind of owed each other apologies now…

“So, he won’t even let you talk to someone for ten minutes?” Bobby sounded bemused. “He gets pissed off about that?”

“It’s not that at all. Maybe I just don’t…” Hanbin trailed off, not knowing what to say.

_Maybe I don’t want to know how you feel, maybe I don’t want to hear what you have to say._

“Ten minutes, and I won’t ask for another talk again? Deal?”

“Fine,” Hanbin muttered in defeat. He could tell Bobby wasn't going to let this go, he was in his tenacious, competitive mode. They were going to start letting slip the real feelings between them if he didn't give in and let Bobby have his way. “Fine.”  

Bobby sat back with a barely concealed sigh of relief to listen to Taeyang and GD’s commentary. Now he could finally relax and enjoy the last performance, a powerful, triumphant stage that brought back memories of performing Climax. He felt his eyes prickle and he wondered if it was the music alone that was making him so emotional, or whether some of the anxiety of the past few weeks of waiting to see hanbin again was coming to the surface.

After the third performance there was an hour-long break as the votes were counted. Bobby and Hanbin mingled with the other coaches and YG, chatted and joked around, trying their best to look as if they had nothing on their minds other than having a good time and wanting the best for the trainees. Bobby noticed YG’s eyes on him and Hanbin and he quickly looked away. Then the lights dimmed once more and Bobby and Hanbin returned to their seats for the announcement of the winners.

The first name was called to a crescendo of applause, that trainee had been a particular favourite with the female audiences. The second, third and fourth names were called to just as much hysteria, and then the final name was called and suddenly it was all over. The crowds exploded with noise, tears, and applause, the stage lit up with lights and smoke in celebration. Hanbin stood up and joined the applause, he had guessed all five finalists correctly. Brimming with pride and nostalgia he silently wished them the best of luck.

_Enjoy every moment guys, because you never know what lies behind every corner…_

 As Bobby stood too and clapped he felt his heart ache seeing the trainees who hadn’t made it cry and hug each other on the stage. The finalists were crying too, trying to comfort them and be happy for themselves at the same time. Bobby glanced at Hanbin. He was looking severe but he could see the emotion in his eyes. Maybe Hanbin been taken back down memory lane too, just as he had.

 

***

 

It had taken a full hour after the show’s end for Bobby to finally get a chance to talk to Hanbin in private. First they had gone with the other coaches to congratulate the winners and console those who didn’t make it. Then they’d had the rather sweet, albeit awkward, opportunity to meet some of the trainees family members. It had been surreal greeting their ex-trainees thankful mothers, father, sisters, brother, Aunts, Uncles, grandmas. After that they’d had the obligatory debrief with YG and the coaches and then finally they’d been allowed to go. On their way back down the hall to the exit Bobby took a quick glance around and deciding that they were not under the watchful eye of any security guards he grabbed Hanbin’s hand and pulled him down another hallway. They needed somewhere to be alone.

Hanbin’s hands were shaking and he didn’t know whether it was from nervousness, anticipation or frustration. Bobby felt like he was going to be sick but he was also bursting with a determined fire. He just knew that if Hanbin read his letter he would love him again, he just knew it.

Bobby found an alternative exit to the venue as Hanbin followed grudgingly. He opened the door and they walked out into a back alleyway, obviously a place where electricians and other handymen frequented to have a smoke. It was very dark and the only light came from sickly yellow outdoor light above the door and the glow of the streetlamps out on the adjacent main road. It was starting to spit with rain and the road looked slippery in places with both water and engine oil. Exposed pipes covered the bricks walls.

Hanbin regarded him coldly, still managing to look handsome. Bobby released a shaky breath and took the letter from his inside suit pocket. Hanbin rolled his eyes.

“You said _talk_ , I don’t want to read. Just tell me what you needed to say! I don't have time for this!"

“No. This is important. It’s too hard for me all to say,” Bobby insisted. Hanbin groaned and shook his head.

“You know what, I don’t want to do this…” Hanbin turned and began charging off down towards the main road. Bobby panicked, he was going to have to restort to Plan B.

“Hanbin! Jesus, fine forget the fuckin’ letter!” He ran ahead of Hanbin and cut him off. He grabbed his shoulders, feeling love pulse under his palms on Hanbin’s smooth suit. If he wanted to he could lean forward just right now and kiss Hanbin on the lips, they were close enough…but no, he needed Hanbin to know how he felt in words, that was the most important thing. He was just going to have to say it, maybe Hanbin would read the letter after. He took a deep breath and said the words he'd been dying to tell Hanbin since that night he'd stood on the edge of the jetty and confronted his true feelings. 

“Listen to me, I love you, Hanbin. I _love_ you ok??” Bobby was breathless, almost panting but he kept going, “And I know you still love me…we’ve hurt each other, and we screwed things up two years ago…but I still believe we belong together. So come on, let’s do this again. You and Me?”

Hanbin stared at Bobby with hurt, dark, eyes. He’d been fearing those words from Jiwon ever since he realised Jiwon loved him again  at that café. He’d been scared that they would be like a magic spell, an incantation that would make him suddenly throw away all the progress he’d made the past six weeks on becoming a new person, a boyfriend to someone else new and amazing, someone who had proving far better for him than he could ever have anticipated. He’d been terrified that Bobby still had that power over him, that once again he’d go running back into his arms despite everything that had happened, despite the fact it would mean throwing aside Yeongjin, and the idea of doing that made him ashamed of himself.

But now he was hearing Bobby’s magic spell for real, here in this dark alleyway, after the final award ceremony…and he felt nothing.

Bobby’s stomach dropped as Hanbin’s refused to make eye contact. Hanbin gently shrugged off Bobby’s arms on his shoulders and stared at the wet tarmac grimly as if he didn’t know what to say.

“What? Come on, say something?” Bobby demanded, his voice cracking.

“I need to think about it…” Hanbin muttered.

“What?” Bobby’s voice was shaking now, the panic was real.

“I said I need to think about it,” Hanbin repeated looking at him impatiently.

“What do you need to think about?? How can you not know if you love me or not?? It’s not that hard!”

“I need to think about it.” Hanbin’s eyes were distant and unfamiliar and Bobby felt the first agonizing crack in his heart appear, it almost made him gasp. There was a long devastating silence,  all Bobby could hear was the blood pounding in his ears and ringing of Hanbin’s cold indifference.

“This is because of that asshole skater isn’t it?” Bobby demanded, “he’s talked shit about me, he’s got into your head…”

“I need to go,” Hanbin turned and began to head down the alleyway to the main road. Bobby followed him like a puppy who’d just realised it was being abandoned by its owner. He followed desperately hoping that there was still a chance that Hanbin would reconsider, turn around and take him into his arms. 

_Of course I still love you Jiwon! Of course! You’re the only one for me! Hold me, never let me go!_

But it didn’t happen. Hanbin kept walking, looking down at his phone obviously messaging someone.

“How long are you going to think about it though?? When will I know??” Bobby called out tremulously but his words seemed to bounce off Hanbin’s back without touching him. Hanbin was out on the street curb now and about to open the door of a black Maserati that just pulled up seemingly out of the darkness itself. Its intimidating headlights beamed down the rainy street, highlighting raindrops as they flickered down in front of their light’s path. Hanbin paused and looked at him blankly.

“I don’t know,” Hanbin shrugged. He opened the door and as he got in Bobby caught a flash of the driver of the car, his tattooed hand on sitting on the wheel, his other tattooed hand wielding a cigarette. The car took off and once again Bobby followed. He walked down to the end of the street in shock until the car sped up and disappeared around a corner.

Then, because he didn’t know what else to do, he kept walking, and walking and walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB. THIS IS NOT THE END. I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL ANYTHING BUT JUST TRUST ME AND KEEP READING xxxx
> 
> p.s. I've been a little demotivated with this story this past week bc of stress, so if there's ever going to be a moment to comment and threaten me with terrible things if I don't keep writing, that time is now lol xxxx


	12. Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obdurate
> 
> (n.) Unmoved by persuasion, pity, or tender feelings; stubborn
> 
>  
> 
> Inosculate 
> 
> (v.) Join by intertwining or fitting closely together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the structure of this chapter is a little bit different - what actually happened was that this chapter became super crazy long so I had to cut it in two. Because of that this chapter ends a little abruptly, but the good news is that the next chapter is already half-written so it will be updated soon. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy xx

Bobby didn’t know how he managed to get there but he ended up walking through the dark, rainy streets of Seoul all the way to his parent's house. He walked in a stunned, apathetic daze, oblivious to the passersby who recognised him, to the cold droplets of rain that hit his face and clothes, to the bustling street-life and shops, to the late-night food stalls and fast food joints that would usually have tempted him. He thought about calling Jinhwan or Donghyuk, but there was a part of himself that was furious with them for not having done more to help him, as unfair as he knew that was deep down. So, he continued walking and staring straight ahead like a zombie. He called his parents when he was ten minutes away, sodden all over, still dragging one heavy foot after another, district through district.

“Mum, Dad? Sorry it’s late, I need to come over…yeah, now…”

They had obviously been asleep, not surprising since they liked to be in bed by 10pm at the latest. When he walked down the hallway to their apartment the front door was open and there was his Mum and Dad standing in the doorway in their dressing gowns, looking sleepy but worried. His Mum didn’t say a word, she just took him in her arms. Bobby tried to cry, he wanted the tears to fall but for some reason he couldn’t. Maybe he was still too shocked by Hanbin’s words, too paralysed by the sight of him disappearing into Yeongjin’s sinister black Maserati.

“Come on, come inside, tell us what happened,” His dad murmured, ushering them from the cold concrete hallway into the warm apartment. Bobby kept his face buried in the comforting warm crook of his Mum’s neck as she led him to the table, the place where they always had their sincere family chats. He felt his dad dry off his wet hair and shoulders with a towel. Their kind gestures made him feel both loved and pathetic. When he was ready to talk he looked up and stared into space, he couldn’t look them in the eye.

“Jiwon? Treasure? What’s wrong petal?” His mum asked tenderly.

 “He didn’t come back to me,” he uttered in a flat voice. “I confessed to him tonight…I asked him to be with me again…”

“You mean after the ceremony?” His Mum confirmed, “we watched it baby,” she added.

“You told Hanbin you still loved him?” His father asked solemnly yet calmly. His dad always stayed calm in times like this, he was so stoic and so supportive, even when it came to relationship issues. Bobby’s heart surged with love for both of them.

“I told him I wanted him back, that I loved him…but he couldn’t even look at me…he told me, he needed to “think about it.” I don’t understand…I don’t get it…deep down I know he still loves me…”

“Jiwon,” His mother sighed, taking his hands tightly in her own soft smooth ones. She was using the expensive hand cream he’d bought her from Japan, he could tell. “He said he’d _think_ about it...”

“Maybe he just meant exactly that, he needs time?” His father suggested thoughtfully.

Bobby looked at his parent’s calm, loving understanding faces and for the first time in his life their words didn’t seem to help. In fact, they only made him feel even more ashamed of himself. Of course they would hope the best and think Hanbin should return to him, he was their son, they loved him unconditionally. They believed anyone would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend, a friend, a husband. But they didn’t understand that maybe this time their beloved son really had fucked up, maybe he’d done something unforgivable…

It was terrifying. Bobby was starting to wonder if no matter how sorry he was Hanbin was _never_ going to truly be able to forgive him for leaving him when he did: when his career was falling apart, when his company gave him a painful ultimatum, when he needed to throw himself out there into the whirpool of netizen hate and public condemnation, face it, take it, and still somehow find the strength to give his music his all, when his integrity and talent the things he deared most were questioned so harshly…

Up until this point Bobby had been keeping himself sane by convincing himself Yeongjin was just a poser who was acting as an emotional crutch for Hanbin, not someone who was actually suited to him romantically. But now, he just wasn’t sure if he was the best person to judge anymore what was good for Hanbin and what wasn’t. After all he’d failed again and again now in ways that Yeognjin was effortlessly succeeding.

“If God’s plan is for you to spend your life with Hanbin, then it will happen. Have faith baby.” His mother smiled and he felt his father reach over and ruffled his hair affectionately. He still couldn’t smile or cry. He felt empty, numb, encased in a bubble wrap separating him from the rest of the world, even from his own parents. They felt far away from him and their love for him felt like a delusion, something he had tricked them into. The guilt he felt was so lonely it chilled him to the bone.

 “You know what you should do to cheer up when you have time?” His mother gave him a tender smile, interrupting his deepening depression.

“What?” he mumbled hopelessly.

“Guess who’s finally decided to join us from Virginia??” Bobby knew immediately who his mother was referring to. She’d mentioned the fact his childhood friend Minjee was returning from Virginia a few months back by text but he’d forgotten all about it.

“Really?” Bobby asked with wide-eyes. “Jee’s back??” He didn’t know exactly why but that felt like the exact information he needed right in this very moment.

“Yep, she’s finished her graduate program and is back here with us in Seoul! She’s only been back three weeks! You should go say hi when you have time, baby.”

Bobby’s mother watched as he immediately straightened up, getting ready to leave. She realised he was going to head over to his childhood friend’s house right now in the middle of the night. She grabbed his arm.

“No Baby, not _now_! Do you know how late it is??”

“She won’t mind, it’s fine!” Bobby insisted. 

“No, Jiwon, don’t be ridiculous!” His father added, “Don’t disturb her. She has work tomorrow, she works for a big accounting firm now, she gets up early in the morning.”

“Fine, fine just give me her address. I’ll visit her soon.”

“You promise Jiwon??” His mother warned.

“I promise.”

 

***

 

Bobby had to press Minjee’s apartment buzzer three times before she answered. He didn’t know exactly what it was he needed from his old childhood friend but he just knew he needed to see her now, tomorrow couldn’t wait. Maybe it was just that seeing his parents hadn’t done the usual trick and calmed him down and he just didn’t know how he was going to make it through the rest of the night. Or maybe he just couldn’t be alone right now and he couldn't face seeing any of the boys. Finally, he heard Minjee’s alarmed voice through the speaker.

_“Hello…?”_

“It’s me, Jiwon. Lemme in already.” He grinned while looking upwards at the unit balcony he suspected was hers, imaging her the look of surprise that was no doubt on her face. Just the anticipation of seeing Minjee was already distracting him from his shock, this had been the right thing to do, he knew it. There was a long pause in which he jabbed the buzzer again then finally the door of the complex opened and he entered. 

Minjee opened her apartment door tentatively. She still wasn’t completely convinced her family-friend-turned-kpop-star had just appeared before on her doorstep at 2am in the morning for the first time in five years…or if it was just a dream. She stared at him through eyes narrowed with disbelief which quickly evolved into irritation.

“Seriously?? It’s two thirty in the morning...”

“Nice pj’s.” Bobby teased, taking in the sight of her fuffy pink pyjamas covered in tabby cats with oversized eyes.

“Oh, shut up.” She replied, rolling her eyes and letting him in the door in defeat.

“Don’t worry,” Bobby reassured her as he wandered into her apartment, “I’ve seen you in worse…or should I say I’ve seen you in _less_.” Minjee gasped in horror and slapped him on the arm as he recoiled cackling.

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you??”

“Look, you’re the only girl I’ve ever had a bath with! I’m not letting this go!” Bobby laughed at her furious face.

“We were both _three years old_ Jiwon when our mums put us in the bathtub together, _three_! Christ almighty. We didn’t know what the hell we were doing, or else _I_ would never have allowed it…”

“Yeah, I’ve still seen you naked though,” He giggled.

“Why the hell did I let you in? Especially at this time in the morning??” She scowled at him again, with the smallest smile of affection breaking through,“You’re the worst.”

“You don’t even look sleepy though! You’ve been up too, haven’t you? So why didn’t you answer when I buzzed the first time?” Bobby’s eyes went wide as something occurred to him. “Oh _shit_! Do you have a guy over? Oh my God, I’m gonna tell your Mum!” Minjee swatted his arm again in irritation but he caught her hand and gave it a squeeze whilst laughing.

“Ok, ok, ok. I’ll quit being annoying,” Bobby insisted seeing that she was losing her patience. “Can I have a hug though? This is the first time I’ve seen you in _years_ …”  Minjee rolled her eyes but let him wrap her up in his arms. It had always been like this between them: playing, teasing, bickering, fighting, forgiving, supporting – all in one endless cycle.

Minjee had known Jiwon since he was born, she was just a few months older than him. Their parents were good friends, even their grandparents had been good friends with each other. They had played together as children in Seoul in parks, at each other’s houses which had been in the same district, during weekend catch ups between families, after church on Sundays. They had been to every single one of each other’s birthday parties up until Jiwon left for America. For her whole life his family had been mentioned at Jee’s dinner table almost as often as her own cousins.

Although they had played together regularly as kids that didn’t mean they had always gotten along. As a kid Jiwon had been a hyperactive, boisterous, merciless tease and Minjee being touchy and sensitive had always been incredibly easy to annoy. She’d lost count of the times Jiwon had surprised her with water bombs, clumsily spilt food on her clothes, noogied, dunked and pushed her into the pool, pumelled her with pillows, stolen cookies she had baked for the church bake sale, accidentally got gum in her hair, tickled her till she had cried, and basically pestered her until she had lost her temper. Jiwon had also frustrated Minjee because his short attention span which often meant he forgot his crimes within minutes of having committed them. He could tip sand from the sandpit into her shoes for a giggle then charmingly ask her to play on the swing with him a minute later. Jiwon’s mother had tried endlessly to discipline him and he had been ordered to apologise to the sulking Minjee hundreds of times.

However, while their friendship had always been tempestuous it was also somehow indestructible. It was like they were more than family because their families had _chosen_ to care for each other, it wasn’t simply a matter of blood obligation. And although Jiwon had a way of getting under Minjee’s skin like no one else, he could also be every endearing and sweet. Five minutes after a fight they had always ended up playing together as if nothing ever happened.  The longest grudge Minjee had ever managed to hold against Jiwon had been for a week. When over at her house for lunch one weekend he had accidentally bounced a basketball into a small bonsai called “Siwon” she had been nurturing in her backyard, crushing it completely and shattering its ceramic pot. His mother had made him apologise on the spot which he’d done heartily and then she had even made him call her on the phone during the week to apologise again. When he approached her at church the following Sunday bearing his eye smile and a small cactus as gift of repentance Minjee had forgiven him immediately.

But other than circumstances set up by their parents there were other ways in which Jiwon and Minjee had been bonded inextricably. They had both known intimately the pain of growing up from a young age in a household where money was a constant worry. They both knew what it was like to have parents who constantly discussed money, who stressed over it even when they were smiling and pretending that they weren’t. They also knew better than many the confusion that came with money. They both resented money because of the way it dominated their families decisions, even the smallest ones. But they also adored money from afar, dreaming of what it would like to be to have as much of it as they wanted, what it would be like to have parents who weren’t worried about it all the time. For them money had always been both the problem and the solution.

Minjee’s parents had actually been wealthy when she was born as they had inherited money from Minjee’s Grandfather who’d owned a successful photocopying franchise in Seoul. However, Minjee’s father had attempted to play the stock market just after she was born and he'd lost everything, selling off the business for far less than he should have out of desperation. Bobby’s parents had never had much luck with money, and as living in Seoul grew more and more expensive his family had set their eyes on a new start in Virginia.

Minjee had been devastated to hear Bobby’s family were moving to the states, however being too young to fully understand the implications of this, she had been mostly devastated because of the raging crush she’d had on Bobby’s older brother. For a year after the Kims had moved to Virginia, pages and pages of her diary had been dedicated to the older brother’s endless virtues and how terrible it was that she was never, ever, ever going to see him again.

Little did she know that only two years later her own family, the Soongs, would lose faith in their ability to make a life in Seoul and move to Virginia as well, actually upon the recommendation of Bobby’s parents. She’d resentfully left behind her friends, most of her family, and her life in South Korea and joined the Kim family over in America. They moved into the same county and attended the same church but she had gone to a different school to Jiwon and his brother. Nonetheless both moving to America just as puberty hit had given the two friends a whole new level of life experience to bond over. 

They had debriefed each other in church group once a week, discussing the problems that came with being the only Asian kid in the class. According to their classmates being South Korean was interchangeable with being Chinese, Japanese and Thai. There were Asian slurs and stereotypes, the mocking of their accents, and of course the exaggerated confusion over their Korean names…

_Min-what???_

_Ji-What???_

While at the time the thirteen-year old Minjee had been certain no one in the world could possibly have been as homesick as herself, she now recognised that she had actually faired better than Bobby at high school in Virginia. Being quiet, shy in general, and embarrassed by her broken English Minjee had simply faded into the background in her classes. Furthermore, being branded an irrelevant nerd with her good marks and low profile meant she avoided drawing any serious attention to herself from bullies.

Thankfully Bobby hadn’t been bullied constantly, and from what Minjee understood it was mainly his first year and a half in Virginia that had been particularly isolating and frustrating for him. But one hot summers day after church, when they’d both been sitting morosely in their favourite climbing tree, Bobby had confessed bitterly to her that “every day I feel like an alien here, even after nearly two years…” Minjee had completely understood.

It seemed to Minjee that Bobby had struggled throughout his entire time in Virginia because he hadn’t fit the Asian stereotypes his classmates wanted to project onto him. He wasn’t studious, nor was he good at maths and science. In fact, most of the time his marks were average. He didn’t want to sit at home and study, nor did his parents force him to, unlike her parents. He liked to go out and play basketball, go swimming, practice the drums and guitar, sing and rap, or write lyrics. He also wasn’t the “quiet, obedient Asian kid” his teachers and classmates thought he should be. He often got in trouble for talking too much in class and distracting his friends, and although he avoided physical fights he was he known to talk shit back to his bullies. From what Minjee had heard from a friend who went to Bobby’s school he’d been that kid in class who always walked in with his headphones on, the class muso, nodding his head to Bob Marley and Jay Z, gazing out the window longingly, silently mouthing his favourite verses or writing his own lyrics down on the back of whatever worksheet he was supposed to be completing.

Now they had yet another experience in common: returning and adjusting to South Korea…she was going to ask him for some tips, she’d been back only a few weeks and the struggle was real…

They stepped back from their hug and Minjee regarded her childhood friend properly.  Bobby stood before her with eyebrows raised comically and turned on the spot, jokingly inviting her to check him out. She rolled her eyes again, masking how impressed she was. He was wearing the exact same outfit she had seen on the _Fast Forward_ tv ceremony just a few hours beforehand. She hadn’t watched the whole thing but it had been streaming on her phone as she’d been cooking in the kitchen and she had paused her activity whenever he had appeared.

It was completely surreal that just before she’d seen him on the screen in a massive venue, surrounded by fans, seated next to other YG superstars…now here he was in front of her for the first time in nearly five years. It was like he had literally stepped out from the internet…

He looked so incredibly different from the skinny, hyperactive, dork of a kid she’d known from her childhood and church group. He was a famous rapper now and had been for ages but she was frustrated that she still couldn’t wrap her head around it…but then again this was the first time he’d appeared before her in ‘idol mode.’ His hair was longer but styled so it was perfectly wavy, his skin glowed almost as bright as the bling around his neck and in his ears, and the dark, sophisticated clothes he wore were no doubt from a designer shop she wouldn’t dream of walking into, not even for a laugh.

She felt a stab of pain that took her by surprise, an icy cold blade slipping straight into her heart. She hadn’t felt it for so long, she thought she was over it...

_No you are over it Jee, you’re just excited to see him again, that’s all…_

But then she noticed something else about Jiwon which distracted her from her own discomfort. Despite the comic show Bobby had just put on, teasing her like they were thirteen again and what-not, there was also something anxious underlying his manner. She watched him pace around her apartment distractedly before flumping down on her couch as if in defeat. There were also signs of unhappiness showing in his face now, strain was showing through. It was like he was desperately trying to not to think about something, and every now and again it popped into his mind and showed in his eyes. Then he quickly had to distract himself again.

“So, did you enjoy the ceremony?” Minjee asked. Bobby scrunched up his mouth and didn’t look at her, the question was impossible to answer without a torrent of emotion accompanying it. Hanbin’s words came back to him, his blank expression, his hollow eyes.

_...Loyalty isn't really your thing, is it?_

Bobby could feel that the manic distraction that had been seeing Jee again for the first time in years was now fading out, the stormy black cloud that had brought him here was bearing over him once more. He rubbed his forehead, trying to smooth away his frown.

_Don’t lose it in front of Jee…seriously man, just don’t…_

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he muttered. Minjee cocked her head to the side and grinned in confusion.

“Why? You seemed to be having a good time on TV?”

“I...,” Bobby’s voice broke abruptly and it became suddenly apparent to Minjee that Bobby really wasn’t ok, he wasn’t ok at all.

He covered his face with his hands trying to get himself through the current moment in which his emotions threatened to spill out everywhere. He really didn’t want to cry in front of Minjee, especially not after having seen her so long, it would just be too much…but it was late, he was tired, and he was guilty and scared, and his heart was breaking…

Seeing Jee, someone from such a distinctly different time in his life, felt like being on another planet, far removed from all his obligations to his family, band members, and Hanbin. And for some reason that was enabling him to look back on the situation that had unfolded tonight with crystal clear clarity. All the devastation that had been frozen into shock by Hanbin’s unexpected rejection was beginning to unfreeze rapidly and he could feel it building up and threatening to leak out from his burning eyes. His throat grew tight and scratchy and he sighed deeply, releasing the tiniest whimper of self-loathing. He was close to losing it but he held it in. 

There was no denying it he’d made some seriously bad fucked up, awful mistakes and there was no one to blame but himself. The first mistake he’d made had been to ignore Yeongjin as a proper threat. By stubbornly and defensively denying Yeongjin’s existence and importance to Hanbin he’d done nothing but increase Hanbin’s resentment towards him. Secondly, he realised now that he’d not only been stupid and proud, but he’d been a complete utter coward. He just should have _told_ Hanbin those words that were in his letter, the words that he knew would have made him stay and take him back. But he couldn’t bring himself to because he had been too ashamed, regretful and embarrassed to say them out loud. He should have known all along that was the real reason why he’d written the letter, it was nothing to do with being poetic, being romantic. He’d been a fucking coward and that was that.

Yep, he’d fucked up hard and now he was suffering for it in a way he could never have anticipated. Fucking Yeongjin was slipping in at just the right time, just when he was fucking around with his pride and cowardice, just as Hanbin was getting ready to move on…

_Maybe this is the way it should be though….Hanbin getting with Yeongjin while I watch from the sidelines? Maybe this is karma…maybe this is God’s plan, his punishment for me for leaving Hanbin two years ago when he needed me so much…?_

 “Jiwon?” Minjee was alarmed by the sight of suddenly seeing Jiwon with his face in his hands like a broken man. She sat down next to him on the couch and touched his arm lightly. With that simple touch the storm broke loose, the shock of being rejected by Hanbin finally lifted. Bobby felt a momentous wave of regret and guilt come over him and he released a sharp sob into his hands.

Minjee stared in shock with her mouth agape as her childhood friend who she hadn’t seen for five years wept next to her into his hands. Just two minutes ago he’d been teasing her just like he’d always done and now here he was completely beside himself with emotion about something. Because it had been so long since they’d hung out together or just had fun, let alone shared an intimate moment like this, she felt lost, unsure what was appropriate. She almost felt too shy to bear witness to his sorrow, it felt almost presumptuous or voyeuristic after so long apart. But hearing the pain in his weeping made her push past the awkwardness and decide they were close enough to comfort each other and would always be. She held him tight, feeling his body jolt as he hiccuped.

 “So-sorry,” he mumbled throatily.

“It’s ok, don’t worry…but what’s wrong?” She murmured with her arms around him. The only time Minjee had seen Bobby cry before had been in Virginia upon hearing his grandma was sick back home in South Korea and his family hadn't been able to afford to see her. She assumed it had to be something similar as family was the normally only thing that made ever-stoic Bobby break down into tears like this. But at the same time, she was sure she would have heard already if something was wrong, news travelled fast between their parents.

“Is your Mum ok? She’s not sick is she?” Bobby shook his head miserably.

“Your dad? Brother? Are they both ok?” Bobby nodded miserably.

“Your grandma? Aunt? They ok?” Bobby nodded again.

“Ok…is it to do with your music?” Bobby shook his head.

“Ok…have you had a fight with someone? Relationship troubles?” Minjee felt another stab of pain, the icy cold knife slipped back in. Bobby stared straight ahead with his bottom lip trembling. So it was relationship troubles... she gulped determinedly and continued on, pushing away more of the confusing, unexpected feelings she thought she had long ago dealt with.

“What happened?” She asked determinedly. Bobby spoke in a quavering voice.

“Two years ago I made a really bad mistake and it’s come back to haunt me now…I just wanted to forget it, leave it behind, move on…but I _can’t_ …and now I’ve just made it worse…” He went to wipe his running nose on the sleeve of his expensive jacket but Minjee stopped him and went to get him the tissue box.

“We all make mistakes Jiwon..,” Minjee reassured him, sitting back down next to him and putting the tissues in front of him. She knew exactly what it was like to regret things in the past…

But Minjee’s calm demeanour only worsened Bobby’s guilt, just as his parents had. He didn’t deserve comfort or reassurance. He shook his head violently, still hiccupping.

“No, this was a _really_ bad mistake and…and I think I’m a bad person, Jee…I never thought I’d be a bad person.” Minjee looked at Bobby and his wet, anxious eyes. He really meant it and it made her heart ache. She above all people knew exactly what an annoying little shit Jiwon could be, but never, ever, had she thought he was a malevolent or cruel person. He just wasn’t and she would argue it till the day she died.

“Jiwon, you’re not a bad person, don’t say that! I’ve known you your whole life, since we were babies and I _know_ you’re not! Tell me what happened and I can tell you if you were ‘bad’ or whether you made a mistake just as anyone would have done in your position!” He shook his head, he couldn’t talk anymore about it. It hurt too much. Thinking about what he’d done to Hanbin was literally consuming him with guilt and regret, he was drowning in it. Saying it out loud would be even worse, that was why he’d had to write it all down in letter form in the first place! It just hurt too much, it was like his tongue wouldn’t even form the words, it would be like trying to speak through a mouthful of thorns.

But hearing Minjee’s adamant defense of his character had lifted some of the self-loathing he was carrying. It was a relief to hear someone tell him so earnestly they still believed in him, that they didn’t think he was a terrible person. Maybe he had just let Yeongjin's shitty, accusations get to him...

They were both silent as Minjee rubbed his back not knowing what else to do. Bobby clearly didn’t want to talk about it but she felt like that prevented her from really helping him…then she had an idea. Maybe distraction was the only option…

“I know what you need right now,” She grinned. Bobby watched as Minjee disappeared in her kitchen. He heard her open and close her fridge and then watched her return carrying one of the most beautiful cakes he’d ever seen. She put it down on the coffee table in front of him triumphantly.

It was a tall, round cake covered in water-colour icing that began as red at the base, blending into pastel pink, then finally fading into white at the top. White dribbles of icing ran artistically down the sides of the cake and the top was decorated around the perimeter with rose petals, strawberries and other delicate, pink flowers. It was so neat and ethereal it looked like it had been made by fairies.

“Woah…where’d you get it?” Bobby asked still hiccupping but managing to temporarily forget his misery. Minjee shot him a sneaky smile.

“I made it.”

“You _made_ this?” Minjee nodded and Bobby swore, deeply impressed. “Since when could you make shit like this??”

“Well to be honest I always liked baking, but I only started getting good like this when I began my accounting degree…I just hated it so much I needed something like this, a hobby, to get through it without losing my mind…do you want to try some? It’s a Strawberry and Vanilla Bean cake.” Bobby nodded his head vigorously and brushed away his tears.

They sat on her couch, crossed-legged, and ate a slice of the cake each in content busy silence. Minjee ate delicately, identifying and judging each of the flavours the way she always did. She decided she had made the right decision to increase the butter content by ten percent and she was glad she had splashed out on the Madagascan vanilla pods. Bobby finished his piece in about ten seconds then asked for another, then another. He’d been too nervous before the ceremony to eat so it had technically been hours since his last meal. Finally stuffed he lay back on the couch with a speck of icing on his upper lip and swung his now shoeless feet onto Minjee’s lap causing her to grunt in surprise.

“That was hands down…the best cake ever…” Bobby smiled at her appreciatively as she tried to push him off her.

“Good to hear…” Minjee grunted sarcastically as she managed to dislodge his feet, “but I really need to go to bed now…I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow which if you didn’t realise is in _three_ hours time.”

“Oh yeah, the big accounting gig you’ve got now, Mum mentioned it… you like it?” Bobby asked. To him the job sounded like living death, but he still wanted to be supportive. Minjee was super clever and always had been, she deserved a high paying job and he kind of couldn’t wait for an opportunity to swing by her work as a way to make her co-workers even more impressed with her. Minjee shrugged her shoulders wearily.  

“It’s a job I guess? Sometimes I feel like my “real life” begins when I finish work…” She smiled mysteriously.

“Why, what do you mean?”

“Well, promise you won’t tell Mum…or your mum…or anyone??” Minjee stared at Bobby sternly. He nodded eagerly and sat up. Suddenly they were both eight year old conspirators again, plotting together to steal snacks before their family lunch. “Well no one knows this, especially not Mum and Dad, but after work I go straight to cooking class…I am getting lessons with one of Seoul’s best pastry chefs. I have lessons five nights a week, it’s pretty intense.”

“Seriously?” Bobby demanded and Minjee nodded. “You go to learn to cook cakes after work…that is your secret?” Minjee nodded again. Bobby stared for a second with wide eyes then burst into his classic over the top laughter which sent him writhing to the floor. Minjee blushed. How was it possible that after all this time she still somehow managed to miss the signs when Jiwon was making fun of her?

“So is that why you were up late when I came in??” he wheezed, “You were busy baking this cake in the middle of the night??”

“Oh shut up and get going!” She scowled and snatched the plates to take them to the kitchen. Bobby stood up and took them from her apologetically. He took them to the sink and cleaned them for her, still chuckling as he did so.  

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I just wasn’t expecting your dirty little secret to be something so…” She stared hard at him.

“Tame?” she suggested scathingly. “I don’t know why you would expect anything from me that _wasn’t_ tame…” Bobby laughed again and nodded conceding.

“Yeah, true, you’ve always been a good girl. Got good marks, did what your parents told you, now you got a good job. Jesus Jee, you just gotta go and make everyone else look bad don’t you?” Minjee almost launched into a rant about how not everyone had awesome, relaxed, supportive parents like he did, but she decided to hold it in for another time. She knew he was just joking and also he’d clearly had a rough day, she’d let him off the hook tonight.

As Bobby was walked by Minjee to her front door he realised he felt a bit better. Crying seemed to have released all that pent up shock and disappointment, he felt like he was starting to see things more clearly again, more realistically. 

“Can I come by again some time?” He asked. He was tempted to ask if he could stay the night but he realised that might be a bit much after seeing each other for the first time in five years…and after all, they had been out of touch for a while…Bobby made a mental note to ask her about that next time he saw her. Minjee shook her head but smiled.

“Nup. You’re annoying.”

_Please come over again, please._

“Too bad, I’m coming over again soon. When you least expect it too,” Bobby warned, half serious, half joking.

_Seriously Jee, think you got back at just the right time…I think you’re the blessing I needed right now with all this shit that’s going on…_

Minjee rolled her eyes but felt a rush of toasty happiness rush from her toes to her head. There was a small warning bell going off in the back of her mind but she ignored it. She would be fine seeing Jiwon again regularly…she was over it, it was fine.

“Bye loser,” She trilled, closing the door.

“Bye, muffin,” Bobby retorted, laughing as he caught a short glance of the anger on her face at hearing her old hated nickname. But then the door was closed and all he could do was leave. He shuffled down the hallway back to the elevator. As it jolted into movement and began to travel back downwards, Bobby steeled himself, ordering himself mentally to get a grip, to get his feelings under control.

After all, maybe his parents were right? Maybe Hanbin really did just need time to think about it? Maybe it wasn’t really over? He'd text Hanbin tomorrow. All he knew was that he just couldn’t afford to lose hope because he didn’t know if he’d survive what would come after.

 

***

 

For the fourth day in a row Hanbin woke up in Yeongjin’s bed. He rolled over onto his back and lay there peacefully for a while, enjoying the soothing silkiness of the grey sheets beneath him. He noted the luxurious black shades were still drawn over the floor-length glass windows and smiled. While Yeongjin liked dark interiors and colours Hanbin had noted he hated darkness itself and often the first thing he did whenever he got home was to fling open the drapes or turn on all lights possible. But knowing how Hanbin liked to sleep in he stopped doing that in the mornings. It was fascinating to Hanbin, this process of watching someone learn who he was, what his preferences were, put the time into getting to know him. Hanbin had also noticed that Yeongjin was particularly observant and it touched him. Yeongjin collected information silently but astutely, as if always putting collecting a mental catalogue of ideas for how to make him happy in the future.

He mused sleepily to himself how bizarre it was that Yeongjin had come along into this life at the moment he had. He wondered if he would have given in to anyone other than Yeognjin. Had he been ready to move on? Or had he just been ready to move on with Yeongjin? Thinking about moving on inevitably returned his thoughts to the one person he’d been doing his very best not to think about: Bobby.

With that, the anxiety returned and he sat up in bed. He’d been experiencing weird minor panic attacks ever since his last talk with Bobby after the ceremony. They would always begin with him replaying the whole scene in his head…

 

_Listen to me, I love you, Hanbin. I love you ok?? And I know you still love me…we’ve hurt each other, and we screwed things up two years ago…but I still believe we belong together. So come on, let’s do this again. You and Me? …What? …Come on, say something…_

_I need to think about it…_

_…What?_

_I said, I need to think about it…_

_What do you need to think about?? How can you not know if you love me or not?? It’s not that hard!_

_I need to think about it…I need to go…_

…then the wave of confusion would hit him. Then he’d need to be with Yeongjin asap to distract himself.

Hanbin was still surprised by his own callousness that night Bobby confessed, the way he’d walked away from him, the way he’d left him hanging. He was also surprised and horrified that despite the fact it hadn’t hurt to walk away from Bobby he was still being haunted by compulsive hypothetical situations involving him that made his head spin.

_What if…?_

What if he took Bobby back? What if they had kissed in that alleyway after the ceremony, then and there? Would he have felt something for Bobby then? What if they slept together? How would he feel doing that? Would he suddenly love him again? Would he be happy? Relieved? Or would he regret it immediately? What would their relationship even look like if they did get back together?? How would it work??

It was exhausting running over and over the same ‘what ifs’ as if his brain had lost a cog and now it was stuck on repeat. And what made it even more bizarre and guilt-inducing was the fact Hanbin knew for sure that he _didn’t_  even want to get back with Bobby. He was falling for Yeongjin slowly but steadily and he wanted to keep doing so. It made him feel awful, having these weird intrusive thoughts while being with Yeongjin, eating dinner with him, watching him skate, lying next to him and watching him sleep. It felt like emotional cheating but with a mistress he didn’t even want anymore.

That had been the other thing causing him anxiety – Bobby had been texting him at least every two days for the past two weeks asking if he’d done ‘thinking about it’ yet. The texts were short but urgent and every time his phone buzzed his heart thudded anxiously, not just because he didn’t want to have to tell Bobby to his face he didn’t love him anymore, but because he felt bad for Yeongjin…

Yeongjin hadn’t complained, he didn’t seem alarmed that he was texting his ex, he hadn’t even expressed annoyance with Bobby. Every now and again he simply asked Hanbin if Bobby had stopped texting and gotten the picture yet that Hanbin wasn’t going to take him back, that was it. That made Hanbin feel even worse. He knew he should just text or call Bobby and tell him to leave him alone that it was over for good, but he knew Bobby would inevitably start going on about how little he and Yeongjin knew each other, and he just didn’t want to deal with that. So he left Bobby hanging, he left Yeongjin hanging, and he left himself hanging. He just wished he could blank his life, wipe it clean completely like a computer, start off with a new bobby-free clean slate.

_Nice work, Hanbin…they call that ‘avoidance’…you know that right?_

Hanbin was sure that was where his anxiety was coming from: the guilt and awareness he was being dodgy and avoiding his problems rather than facing them head on. The only way he knew how to deal with his anxiety was to be with Yeongjin as often as possible. Staying with Yeongjin in his huge, glamorous, extremely private, house felt like staying in a fortress hidden away from the rest of the world. A place where just the two of them could relax and be together, a place where Hanbin knew Bobby couldn’t ambush him…

Up until Bobby’s confession, Hanbin had still appreciated his alone time away from Yeongjin. In fact he’d needed it because things had been so intense between them he’d sometimes needed a breather, and he also needed to return to his studio regularly simply to work. But now he was reluctant to be apart. Being alone made him feel he was losing grip on things, on himself, his decisions, on his actual needs and wants. Being with Yeongjin was the perfect distraction and his unwavering confidence made up for the clarity of mind Hanbin felt he was currently lacking. Fortunately, Yeongjin hadn’t minded Hanbin’s increasing clinginess, in fact it seemed like he’d been waiting patiently to be able to reciprocate.

Hanbin showered, got dressed and padded his way downstairs. He needed to see Yeongjin and he knew just where to find him. He knew his routine now as well as he knew his own. He passed through the impressive living room full of early morning light, and down the hallway from the kitchen that led to Yeongjin’s carpark. Just before the exit to the carpark was another door leading to Yeongjin’s gym, a large room full of equipment with floor length windows that provided more of the crazy-beautiful views one saw from the living room. He found Yeongjin boxing, flinging powerful hits at the heavy punching bag in the middle of the room, his muscular, image-covered shoulders hunched, his shiny biceps and calves bulging, moisture collecting in the small of his back. Hanbin leant back against the wall and watched. Observing Yeongjin’s incredible physical control and mastery made him feel better immediately.

Eventually yeongjin realised he was being watched and stopped punching. He gave Hanbin a wide smile then wiped his face and neck down with a towel.

 “You just woke up,” Yeongjin confirmed, walking towards Hanbin. Hanbin nodded, he was still sleepy but seeing Yeongjin was definitely helping to wake him up.

“I can tell coz your eyes are still puffy. You look like a baby," Yeongjin chuckled teasingly, cupping Hanbin’s face in his hands, "I’d hug you but I’m sweaty…” Yeongjin added apologetically. Hanbin gave him a smirk.

 “I like it when you’re sweaty…” Yeongjin raised his eyebrows warningly.

“Well if you insist…” His hands were on Hanbin’s hips in a second and he tugged Hanbin towards him in a sudden movement that snapped their hips together. He lowered his mouth towards Hanbin’s and just before Hanbin closed his eyes he noticed droplets of perspiration just above Yeongjin’s full upper lip. He’d seen them before one hot, sweaty afternoon they’d spent together in bed. He waited for contact but Yeongjin didn’t kiss him. Instead he asked the question Hanbin hated the most.

“Is Bobby still texting you?” Hanbin opened his eyes, Yeongjin was smirking down at him.

“Yep.” Hanbin replied shortly, feeling guilty. “And I’m still not replying. If he doesn’t stop I will block his number soon...” But thakfully Yeongjin had moved on from the topic of Bobby already, he was looking at Hanbin expectantly, obviously about to share some exciting news.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“Competition season is starting up! So fucking excited. First comp is in Tampa, Florida in March. I’m going to need you, help me prepare?”

“Yeah of course,” Hanbin assured him with a smile. “You know I’ll support you, whatever way you want.”

“Anyway I want?” Yeongjin confirmed cheekily and Hanbin nodded with a smirk. He loved how he and Yeongjin had the same dry, dirty sense of humour. “Ok, come watch me land a new trick this afternoon?”

 “Yeah, sure, of course.”

“It could take a while…this one’s a fucking gnarly, weird, screwed up, trick…like, it could take me hours…but I’m determined to learn finally land it today.”

“Of course, I’ll be there for the whole thing. I’ll just bring plenty of snacks.”

 

***

 

Hanbin should have known that it wouldn’t just be him and Yeongjin at the skatepark, all Yeongjin’s usual crew were already there. Hanbin had seen Yeongjin skate enough to now know that when he tried to learn a new trick, particularly air tricks that involved huge jumps, he often liked a crowd.

“Keeps up motivation, that’s why,” Yeongjin explained to him.

When Hanbin realised what trick Yeongjin was planning on mastering that day he realised why he was looking especially serious. Hanbin sat down to the side and watched as Yeongjin, Teddy and another friend investigated a huge long rail that was two metres high. It could only be approached by skating full speed up a ramp into the air and landing on top of it. Hanbin wasn’t quite sure what Yeongjin planned to do with the railing, he assumed it was going to be one of the grind tricks Yeongjin pulled off so easily and he sat back, trying not to get too nervous. He couldn’t help it, whenever Yeongjin did grind tricks it freaked him out. Seeing him fall and land on the hard concrete was terrible to watch.

Finally, Yeongjin seemed ready to complete the trick. At full speed he skated towards the ramp which tilted upwards sharply, he entered the air and landed on the railing ginding along it before flipping the board out from under his feet and landing on it on the ground backwards. He nearly stumbled and his palm stroked the ground as he buckled over, but he managed to stay on the board and keep rolling.

Hanbin’s heart raced with pride and Yeongjin noticed. He skated over looking serious.

“fucked isn’t it?”

“Yeah but you got it first try,” Hanbin laughed. Yeongjin looked down at him and smiled grimly.

“Nah…that wasn’t the trick, I’m just warming up. I’m not meant to touch the rail at all, I need to jump right over it and land the same way…there’s gonna be one like this at Tampa for sure…” Hanbin stared at the massive railing. Yeongjin was talking about a jump of about 5 metres, it was huge and there was a long way to fall from that height. If Hanbin hadn’t been determined to be as supportive as possible his first response would have been to tell Yeongjin he was insane, but instead he nodded as calmly as he could and watched on as Yeongjin lined himself up to try again.

Yeongjin stalled again and hitting the rail once more as he began to lose momentum, unsure his velocity would carry him to the other side. The same thing happened the next time, the time after that, and the time after that. Each time Yeongjin started again Hanbin’s stomach would curl in anticipation and when Yeongjin entered the air his heart would thunder in his chest until he landed. But the landings got more and more messy as Yeongjin strove to force himself mentally over the full length of the railing. Yeongjin started missing the board completely, sometimes the board flipped away from under his feet and sometimes he hit the ground tumbling.

Yeongjin’s attempts were drawing the attention of others at the skatepark now. Skaters milled around to his progress. Yeongjin had told Hanbin just a few weeks ago that skateboarding was 80% mental and 20% physical. You could be the fittest, strongest, toughest skater in the world but if you couldn’t overcome your mental limitations and throw yourself into a potentially injurious situation, then it didn’t matter one bit. He could see now that mental battle being played out in every one of Yeongjin’s muscles and facial expressions. He could see the mounting frustration and when Yeongjin tried and failed for the twentieth time in a row and swung a kick at his board in frustration Hanbin barely flinched. He understood because he’d been there before many times – stuck with a problem that was his alone to overcome, unable to move forwards or backwards.

Yeongjin wandered over to Hanbin with a distracted expression on his face, sweat dripping down his forehead and soaking his t-shirt. He took the bottle of water Hanbin held out to him without a word, downed the bottle in one go then opened another bottle and tipped it violently over his body. 

“Maybe take a break?” Hanbin suggested meekly. Yeongjin either didn’t hear him or chose not to and headed over to collect his abandoned skateboard. Then he was ready to go again.

The time wore on and to Hanbin’s awe and disbelief Yeognjin just kept going. Hanbin began to feel exhausted just watching. Yeongjin continuned to sweat and swear profusely as he threw himself again and again into the air, only to either hit the rail, miss it completely or land on the other side with a thud on the concrete. As the trick took longer the other skaters gave Yeongjin more room and sat down in various places to keep watching. Teddy sat nearby in a silence that was so calm Hanbin found it absurd, almost inhuman. He was beginning to genuinely worry for Yeongjin’s health now. He’d fallen hard so often now that surely that was going to affect his performance anyway.

“Shouldn’t he take a break?” Hanbin asked Teddy, trying not to sound too worried. Yeongjin soared into the air only to once more hit the ground and stumble. He roared a series of swear words as Hanbin looked on worried. Teddy just shrugged. Hanbin couldn’t help himself asking more questions even though Teddy was pretty much as talkative as a brick wall.

“How long does it usually take to get this kind of trick right?”

“Depends,” Teddy mumbled.

“When do you know to give up?”

“You don’t, not if you’re professional,” Teddy chuckled, “that’s why you’re professional, you do the shit other people can’t.” That seemed a terrifying idea to Hanbin, and incredibly lonely. He fell into silence again.

Yeongjin had been trying for nearly three hours now with hardly any break and Hanbin couldn't believe that not a single skater had stepped in yet to tell him to call it a day. Yeongjin lined up for yet another run and immediately Hanbin could tell he hadn’t gotten off to a good start. He flew over the length of the railing but his board clipped the very end and then Yeongjin hit the ground on his side with the hardest impact of any fall yet. A collective groan was released by all onlookers and even Teddy swore under his breath. Yeongjin lay completely still, his face scrunched up in pain, his fists clenched. His skateboard rolled away slowly, as if realising in a daze it was the sole survivor of a terrible accident.

Hanbin stood up feeling sick and began to head over quickly. He was furious no one else was moving. Teddy saw him walk past and did a double-take.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you…” Teddy warned. Hanbin ignored him angrily, Yeongjin could be injured and the morons were all just sitting about watching him lie there in agony. He jogged over just as Yeongjin turned over onto his back, slinging an arm across his eyes and breathing heavily.

“You ok??” Hanbin asked. Yeongjin said something But Hanbin didn’t hear it properly because Yeongjin was wiping a bit of blood away from his mouth, he’d bitten his tongue.

“What? Here, let me help you up…” Yeongjin sat up clutching his side but he didn’t budge and he wouldn’t meet Hanbin’s eyes.  

“Sit the fuck back down,” Yeongjin ordered in a tone Hanbin had never heard before.

“What?” Hanbin asked, taken aback. Yeognjin shut his eyes and clenched his jaw as if trying not to lose it. He repeated himself with a snarl that turned Hanbin’s blood cold.

“I said, _sit the fuck back down_.”

Hanbin stood up with his cheeks burning, totally aware that all eyes were on them and that at least thirty people had witnessed Yeongjin’s complete dismissal of his concern. Hanbin had no idea what exactly he had done wrong, but he realised he’d done something taboo, something disrespectful. Blushing He walked back to the side where he had been sitting before feeling mortified.  

“I told you, don’t do that,” Teddy muttered knowingly as Hanbin walked past. Hanbin sat down and watched Yeongjin line himself up for the trick for what had to be the fiftieth time.

 

***

 

“You’re angry with me.” Yeongjin stated it bluntly as a fact, taking the opportunity a red light provided to turn to Hanbin sitting subdued in subdued in the passenger seat, staring out the window.

After four hours of endless gruelling, back-breaking attempts, Yeongjin had finally landed the trick. Earlier that day Hanbin had envisaged it being an ecstatic celebratory moment, but instead it had been accomplished with a pragmatic, angry determination that he had found horrifying. He’d been naïve to think skateboarding was easy just because Yeongjin was a professional and made it look that way. He realised now he just hadn’t seen Yeongjin take on a trick so challenging up until today. The reality was skating was terrifying and nerve-wracking to watch. It took people to the edge of their psychological and physical limitations, and in doing so it had shown him yet another side of Yeongjin that had taken him by surprise.

Hanbin didn’t actually want to talk to Yeongjin about the way he’d snapped at him in front of everyone when he’d only been concerned about him being injured. But he knew from their last altercation that Yeongjin didn’t tolerate passive-aggression, nor did he tolerate silent treatment. So he nodded. It was the truth, he was angry. He was hurt and upset and still embarrassed.

“Come on, talk,” Yeongjin ordered as he resumed driving as the light turned green. Hanbin grit his teeth.

“You swore at me like I was some fucking idiot…all I was doing was seeing if you were ok because no one else was…”

Yeongjin made a noise of irritation and suddenly he was checking his mirrors to change lanes and pull over to the side of the road. Hanbin’s heart thudded anxiously as they pulled up to a stop, traffic rushing past them. Yeongjin turned off the ignition and twisted around in his seat to face Hanbin properly.

“Why do you look so scared? Jesus, don’t look so scared! I’m not angry with you! This is an important conversation and I want to have it right now before there is any further misunderstanding.” Yeongjin reached over and gave Hanbin’s knee a squeeze. Hanbin felt warm relief, thank god Yeongjin wasn’t actually mad at him. Yeongjin was looking very serious now and as he spoke he started gesturing a lot with his hands, the way he always did when he was fired up about something.

“So, I have this quirk right? We all have them, right? You’ve got your quirks, I’ve got mine… you get me?” He raised his brows at Hanbin requesting his confirmation. Hanbin nodded. “So, mine is this…in order to throw myself down a fucking flight of stairs and up a half-pipe and into the air I need to be in the _zone_. It’s hard to describe what that zone is like for me…but I’ll try. It’s like all of a sudden I have complete, total, tunnel vision. The crowds, the onlookers, the judges, the other skaters are all gone, hidden in this, weird, blackness. All I can see is the layout in front of me. Sounds fucked, I know, but I _need_ that. I need that to concentrate. I need to shut out all emotions, all faces, all…all….”

“Distractions?” Hanbin offered listening to Yeongjin carefully.

“Yes! Exactly. I need to block out all of that. Or else, my concentration shatters and suddenly I remember what I’m doing, I remember that I’m just a blob of blood-filled flesh and brittle bone hurtling around in the air about to really fucking hurt myself. So, I want you to watch me skate, I love you watching me don’t get me wrong, I need you there. You’re my good luck charm. But I can’t have you getting scared and shit and jumping up and leaping into my tunnel, ok? Just because I fall doesn’t mean the game’s over. Yeah I landed hard, but seriously, if I broke something I would have screamed. I need to get back up and keep trying. That’s how I learn new tricks, that’s how I win comps. This is what skateboarding is. It’s not the cutesey little tricks you’ve seen me do so far, they’re just for fun. What I did today is what I do for a living. And yes, it drives me fucking insane when I can’t do a trick but that’s the nature of the game! You fuck up a trick and get fucked up by a trick until you can do it...so here’s the deal babe, I need you to think of watching me learn big tricks like this: say you’re in the middle of rapping a verse on stage and you forget your lyrics for a second....and some random leaps up right there with you and screams in your face “DON’T FORGET YOUR LYRICS!” That’s not helpful right?” Hanbin shook his head and grinned, “what is helpful is if the crowd waits patiently without hounding you till you remember them. Same deal for me. Just stand back, stay cool, let me do my thing. Ok?”

Hanbin nodded a bit shaken by Yeongjin’s intensity but his words also resonated with him. He knew how important concentration was for getting into that steely, performance headspace. It was a physical, mental, and emotional space where all three had to be aligned perfectly…and yes, he totally understood how fragile that place was, how easy it could shatter. He remembered all too well from his time on Show Me The Money. Yeongjin smiled too and stroked his cheek.

“The other thing is, don’t take it personal ok? When I get snappy like that I was just frustrated, it's not about you. I would have spoken like that to Tony Hawk if it had been him instead of you. It’s always like this when trying to land a new trick. It drives you fucking insane until you get it. That’s another reason why I need you to stand back and let me do my thing…I’ve got anger issues, I'm hot-tempered…just like you hey?” Yeongjin gave Hanbin a wink.

Hanbin nodded in agreement. It was true, he did have anger issues in fact he was almost famous for them. Even till this day the journalists still liked to ask him about the times he flew off the handle during his survival show years. So who was he to judge Yeongjin for having anger issues too? They were both hot heads and Hanbin figured that was why they got each other so well, they were made of the same element. They were similar in so many ways, especially when it came to the hardship they were willing to put themselves through for perfection. Hanbin began to wonder if he’d finally met someone even more willing to sacrifice his body and mind for their art than he was…it was incredibly attractive.

“So we good baby?” Yeongjin purred through a smile that crept towards Hanbin’s lips. Hanbin accepted the kiss happily and needily. The shock was subsiding and he suddenly felt a rush of admiration and affection for Yeongjin.

“We’re good. And I want to keep watching you skate.”

“Of course, stay by my side, I need you there.”


	13. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cacoethes
> 
> (n.) an irresistible urge to do something inadvisable 
> 
>  
> 
> Drapetomania
> 
> (n.) an overwhelming urge to run away

“Hey, do I look ok?” Yunhyeong asked the boys. They had gathered at Donghyuk’s apartment to head over to Hanbin’s house together. They were having dinner there with the specific purpose of getting to know Yeongjin better and none of them wanted to pale in comparison to stylish skater.

Everyone, except for Junhoe, gave Yunhyeong a serious look over and reassured him he looked handsome in his dandy, tailored suit. As if on cue Donghyuk, Chanwoo and Jinhwan then did the same, asking how the others how they looked whilst preening themselves in front of the mirrors in Donghyuk’s foyer. Junhoe rolled his eyes and scowled at his friends self-conscious fussing, something only Chanwoo noticed with a knowing, tight-lipped smile.

“Yeongjin is _taken_ you idiots,” Junhoe grumbled, “he’s not even going to notice what you’re wearing… _god_ …”

All the boys except Junhoe had been intrigued by Yeongjin from the moment he’d strolled into their room that disastrous night when Bobby flipped out. Other than from his striking, rebellious appearance and cool style, they could tell from the affectionate yet admiring way Hanbin talked about Yeongjin that he had to be the kind of person everyone wanted to know but only a select few were given the chance to. They had all concluded that the guy had to have something special to slip into Hanbin’s heart and take up so much of his time. After all, Hanbin wasn’t an easy person to conquer and he wasn’t easy to woo. They’d all been witnesses to Bobby’s long, tumultuous struggle to pin down their prickly leader. When they’d heard about Yeongjin’s incident with Bobby in the restaurant they had all been shocked and alarmed, but they also couldn’t deny his bad boy unpredictability had made him even more enigmatic. They were all eager to figure his deal out once and for all. And of course, make sure he was suitable for Hanbin.   

Only Junhoe remained unmoved by Yeongjin. Jinhwan put it down to his being jealous of Yeongjin’s tough image, something the group’s tsundere liked to think was his concept alone, limited edition™. He hadn’t even wanted to go to the dinner but Jinhwan had insisted, and he had given in but not without promising to sulk the entire evening. On the way there in the car Junhoe was silent, speaking only once to mutter something about how pissed off Bobby was going to be when he found out about their hang-out with Yeongjin. He was ignored, the others decided they would just have to cross that bridge when they go to it.

When they arrived at Hanbin’s town house Yeongjin’s skittish fans were slightly disappointed to only find Hanbin in the kitchen, trying to cook something but obviously struggling. Yunhyeong jumped in immediately to help him, whipping off his coat first like a movie star and tying on an apron. Junhoe stood to the side looking sullen but only in a way that was noticeable to his members. To someone who didn’t know him he would only have appeared to be shy.

“Where’s Yeongjin?” Chanwoo asked first, beating everyone to the chase.

“Having a shower…” Hanbin replied happily, “he’ll be down in a minute, he was skating all day…he’s got competitions coming up…”

When Yeongjin arrived downstairs moments later wearing trackpants and a simple t-shirt the boys all suddenly felt rather silly, rather like over-dressed peacocks. They exchanged nonplussed glances, all wondering how was it possible that Yeongjin still managed to somehow look cooler than them…Junhoe rolled his eyes once more.

Yeongjin greeted the boys amiably without a hint of shyness or modesty, it was like the terrible first meeting at the restaurant in Gangnam had never happened. There was a small awkward silence as they stood around waiting for Hanbin and Yunhyeong to join them at the table from the kitchen, but Yeongjin seemed oblivious to it. He didn’t seem to notice awkward moments.

When the food arrived they all sat down at the table, with far more formality than was usual, and surveyed the meal Yunhyeong had managed to salvage. They had begged Hanbin to just order in but Hanbin had insisted on cooking himself. They had given in knowing that Hanbin was probably just going through one of his random phases in which he liked to try his hand at different skills. The only thing was that Hanbin always seemed to forget that cooking at a basic level required far less creativity and far more accuracy and technique. Consequently, he was often disappointed by his results.

Hanbin stared disappointedly at the odd-looking spread set out for them at the table until Yeongjin grabbed a piece of meat with his fingers, guiding it straight to his mouth. They all watched him chew as if hypnotised and when he nodded contentedly and reached for another piece they all smiled and began to eat.

The boys were thrilled to see that since their last meeting Hanbin’s mood had improved even more. As they ate he cracked jokes, he was opinionated, witty and cynical, and he was back to being very funny and goofy. It really felt like they were getting their old leader back, finally after the two long years he’d spent cocooned in his own heartbreak and anxiety. But Hanbin was also happy to sit back and let the boys talk to Yeongjin. They started off shy but Yeongjin was quite like Hanbin in a lot of ways in that his confidence easily rubbed off onto other people. The boys were pleased to discover he was also quite funny and charming, but far less awkward than Hanbin. He was also so unapologetically different from anyone else they had ever known, from all the types they met in their heavily regulated industry, that they quickly became more adventurous. Soon they were all asking Yeongjin questions about his career, tattoos, wins, competitions, and of course his incredible list of injuries.

“So wait, you’ve broken your wrist…your left shin, your pelvis..” Yunhyeong was having the time of his life listing Yeongjin’s mishaps in horror and it made Yeongjin crack up.

“My wrist twice, my left shin, my pelvis, these three ribs, and so many sprains I can’t remember…oh and both pointer fingers on each hand…” Yeongjin laughed at Yunhyeong’s incredulous face.

“Did you ever cry?” Junhoe asked out of the blue. They all looked at him and Jinhwan gave his leg a sharp kick under the table. It was the first time he’d spoken all evening aside from asking things to be passed to him across the table. Of course he had to ask something that would put Yeongjin on the spot. But Yeongjin just gave him a lop-sided smile.

“Fuck yeah. When I broke my pelvis I cried like a little bitch.” They all laughed. Junhoe nodded coolly.  

“Yeah and that was when you had to lie totally still for 6 weeks straight, right?” Hanbin asked, slipping his hand around the back of Yeongjin’s neck. All the boys noticed the gesture and it was both cute and strange to see Hanbin be so openly romantic with someone other than Bobby for the first time in years. But they had all noted the intense energy they gave off when sitting next to each other, their mutual attraction was undeniable. It was just odd seeing Hanbin so vulnerable again after being stone cold for so long, it was the dream they had all been waiting for.

“Yep,” Yeongjin shook his head smiling at Hanbin, “I got so sick of being inside and not being able to skate, I can’t even tell you. I swear to god I almost fucking sold my house when I recovered, I hated it that much.”

“Good thing you didn’t,” Hanbin affirmed then turned to the boys to inform them “Yeongjin’s house is amazing, it’s straight from a movie.” Yeongjin chuckled humbly.

“So why didn’t we have dinner at your house then?” Jinhwan joked. Yeongjin looked at Hanbin and the boys saw them exchange a glance that was both mischievous and tender. They all looked at Hanbin waiting for an explanation. Hanbin grinned, loving that he was getting another chance to surprise the boys and that this time there was no Bobby to ruin it…

“Well I wanted to have dinner here with you all because this is the last time it will be possible - I’m moving.”

The boys stared at Hanbin for a moment not understanding what he was saying. Then Yeongjin reached over and gave Hanbin’s knee a squeeze, and all at the same time they realised exactly what he meant.

 

***

 

Once again Bobby was in the studio where he’d been pretty much full time for the last two weeks since his first breakdown. And once again he was waiting for a reply from Hanbin and trying to stay calm but failing. There was a part of him that knew Hanbin was further away than ever but that didn’t stop him from loving him and it didn’t stop him from clinging to hope like a piece of driftwood during a shipwreck. It was strange that he’d always prided himself on being strong, independent, and authentic, and yet here he was feeling love eating away at him, turning him into someone he had trouble recognising. Someone who clung to one person, terrified of losing them because they weren’t sure happiness was possible without them.

He wrote songs, performed, and kept up with his schedule in a detached, slightly manic state and returned to the studio every other free moment. Writing songs helped, but it didn’t fix the problem. Love was the problem, and right now Love wasn’t talking to him. Love was ‘thinking’ about whether he still loved him.

The boys had been dropping in to see him which he found both a relief and slightly patronising. It was like he was an emotional invalid and the studio was the hospital, everyone kept checking on him to make sure he hadn’t suddenly take a turn for the worse. When they came around they made sure not to mention Hanbin or Yeongjin which didn’t exactly make Bobby feel better either. It was the elephant in the room because they all knew he was waiting to hear form Hanbin and they knew how he was suffering, but Hanbin was their friend too and they couldn’t betray his trust or privacy. Bobby had to work very hard not to ask any of them directly for any information or insight into Hanbin’s thoughts knowing it would just be putting them all in an even more awkward position than they were all in already. He was also having to work very hard not to beg Jinhwan to step in and get Hanbin to talk to him, he knew how much he hated being the middleman.

His most recent guest had been Donghyuk who’d been over just that morning to record his vocals and now Bobby was busy re-working some lyrics. Since listening to Donghyuk’s isolated vocals with their sweet, honeyed tone he had decided to change the concept of the song, make it cheekier. He just wondered how much cheekiness he could get away with. His phone rang and he answered it without looking away from the screen in front of him.

“Bobby??” Donghyuk’s voice sounded urgent on the other end of the phone taking Bobby by surprise.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m still here, in the studio. Why?”

“Ok...” Bobby heard Jinhwan’s voice in the background giving Donghyuk orders. Bobby was confused, what the hell was going on.

“Donghyuk? Hey? What’s going on?”

“Bobby?” Donghyuk’s voice reappeared, “Can you please come over to mine right now? We need to talk to you about something. And turn off your phone!”

“What? Turn off my phone? _Why_?”

“Just do it, ok? Please.”

“What the fuck’s going on? What do you need to tell me?”

“Just come over straight away.”

“Ok…ok…”

Bobby left the room and quickly explained to the producers that something had come up, he’d need to be away for an hour. He headed to Donghyuk’s house trying not to let his forever optimistic heart run away with itself.

…what if Hanbin was at Donghyuk’s. What if he wanted to talk to him?? God knows why they had to talk at Donghyuk’s house, that was weird…but still…what if he was there!

Half an hour later Bobby arrived at Donghyuk’s and walked in to find all the boys there, except for Hanbin. His heart sank miserably and it showed on his face. Recently he seemed to have lost the strength to keep his feelings to himself. He cursed himself silently for being so stupidly hopeful. The boys were sitting around Donghyuk’s living room looking strangely solemn and nervous.

“So?” He shrugged, “what’s going on?” He asked now mildly irritated.

Donghyuk looked at Jinhwan, Jinhwan looked at Yunhyeong, and Yunhyeong looked at Chanwoo who was unusually subdued. Junhoe was staring at the ground looking like he wanted to be anywhere but where he was.

“What??” Bobby urged. Jinhwan was the first to speak.

“It’s about Hanbin…” Jinhwan informed him. Bobby’s stomach dropped then he became agitated.

“What about him? Is he ok?? Did something happen with that fucking dickhead of a skater?? Coz I swear to God, if he’s done anything to him I will fuckin’…” Bobby fell silent seeing that Jinhwan was shaking his head sadly.

“No, nothing like that, I just…I just want you to be calm about this when I tell you, because we all know this is going to be hard for you to hear…”

“What?” Bobby was suddenly filled with dread. He knew the tone Jinhwan was using, it was the tone he used when he had to give someone bad news, when he knew there would be tears. He felt paralysed, desperate to know what had happened but also desperately unsure he could take any more bad news.

Jinhwan stared at Bobby with his lips parted trying to say the words, but he couldn’t, he just felt so bad. Feeling sorry for Jinhwan Donghyuk stepped forward to deliver the news as gently as he could.

“Hanbin’s moved in with Yeongjin. They’re living together now.” Silence filled the room as the boys watched disbelief pass over Bobby’s face, somehow making him look like a different person. They weren’t used to seeing that kind of shock on their usually easy going hype man’s face, it was unnatural and that made it all the more horrible.

“C’mon, _bullshit_ …” Bobby chuckled nervously. “This is a fucking joke…you’re pulling a prank on me…”  But the boys didn’t smile, they all looked at him with a combination of wariness, worry, and pity. Bobby suddenly became aware of his heart throbbing painfully and a weakness in his knees. He needed to lean against something. He walked to the nearest window and clutched the sill, trying to breathe properly through the sensation that someone had just fired a cannonball into his chest.

“He invited us over for dinner at his house with Yeongjin,” Jinhwan explained to Bobby’s back, trying his best to keep it together, “He told us himself and we wanted to tell you first before you found out from any other source…a few sites have already got some snaps of the move and the dating rumours are flying…” Suddenly Bobby turned around to face them all looking livid.

“What the _fuck_ were you all thinking?? How could you let him do this?? He’s known the guy for what, _two months??_ And they’re living together??” Bobby stared at them all with a fury towards them none of them had ever seen before. “Seriously?? What kind of fucked up friends _are_ you??”

 “Bobby, let’s talk…” Donghyuk reached out for him but Bobby drew back sharply as if afraid of contamination. He didn’t want to be touched, he could hardly look at them he was so angry.

“NO! THIS IS FUCKED. How could you let him do this?? How?? Let me ask you all question – if this had been ME moving in with some random after two months would you let _me_ do it?? You’d tell me I was crazy! You all let Hanbin get away with fucking murder and that’s not what he needs, can’t you see that?! How could you let him do this??”

“because he’s _happy_ Jiwon!” Jinhwan cried. With those devastating words Bobby froze, staring at Jinhwan stunned.

_He’s happy…happy with Yeongjin…so happy he wants to live with him…is this my answer Hanbin? You’ve thought about whether you still love me or not still, and your answer is to move in with Yeongjin?_

“Jiwon, we’re sorry…” Yunhyeong approached Bobby slowly as if he was a wild animal that might lash out at any moment, he just desperately wanted to give his friend a hug. But Bobby and turned and walked out the door.

“Shit!” Jinhwan hissed with his hands in his hair. Junhoe immediately tried to comfort him.

 “We didn’t even get to warn him about the auction tonight…” Donghyuk reminded them all regretfully.

“So…what do we do?” Chanwoo asked no one in particular with wide-eyes. No one answered because no one knew.

 

 

***

 

Bobby only just made it to the lift before the heartbreak hit him like a freight train. He melted down against the wall, grit his teeth and closed his eyes as he felt his heart cramp up in his chest. The elevator doors opened and he stumbled out not knowing where to go or what to do. Feeling like he was in a nightmare he saw cab and impulsively hailed it down. Without any particular reason why he asked the driver to take him to the Han River. His voice didn’t sound like his own, it was like he’d lost it the moment he heard the bad news. He was rapidly cycling between shock, anger and despair.

When he arrived he got out of the cab and stood for a while surveying the view as if looking for a portal that would take him elsewhere. The river, water, sky and grass were all slate grey, matching his despair. He began to walk along the river frantically trying to make sense of the news. At one point in time Hanbin and he had discussed sharing a home together, it had been one of their couple fantasises. At one stage they’d even taken to sending each other pictures and photos of cool houses they came across every now and again, joking that one day they would buy one together and live like the YG superstars they wanted to be. Hanbin would have his library and greenhouse and he would have his pool and basketball court.

Although they’d enjoyed the fun of the materialism, they’d both known all along the type of house hadn’t mattered, nor the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or whether it was trendy or not. Living together meant a level of intimacy and sharing that only couples knew, that was what made it exciting. It was waking up together, eating together, sharing bathrooms together, doing nothing together...replacing light bulbs together, coming home to each other. It was about belonging to each other that’s what they had wanted. Bobby just couldn’t believe that Hanbin wanted that feeling with Yeongjin, let alone after just two months of being with him. Images of Hanbin and Yeongjin doing domestic things together flooded his mind like a cruel, twisted movie montage, all the things he had wanted with Hanbin but had never got the chance.

_Shopping together for furniture…buying a dog…going on holidays…having family over for dinner…sleeping in on Sunday mornings…_

He walked along the river with a searing pain in his chest, scouring his brain for hope in any form, but failing. He thought about calling Hanbin or marching to his new front door and begging to talk, not giving a fuck about the fact Yeongjin would no doubt be there. But he genuinely didn’t think there was even a point. The simple fact of the matter was that there was no way Hanbin would move in with someone unless he was really, really crazy about them and couldn’t be without them. That meant he was genuinely head over heels for Yeongjin. That meant Hanbin didn’t love him anymore. He stopped walking as it really hit him. The pain encompassed his whole body, freezing him to the spot in a state of emotional agony. 

Desperately needing the pain to go away he began to jog, something he usually avoided at all costs. He jogged along the river front and the bitingly cold wind lashed his face. When that didn’t help he sped up determined as a desperate child to outrun his own feelings. He kept running for several kilometres until the stitch in his side became too bad. He swerved off the pavement and crashed down on a grassy bank in a park, panting violently and feeling slightly nauseous. His chest heaved and his fingers clawed at the grass on either side of him, ripping it out until his fingernails hit the dirt underneath.

When he’d finally caught his breath he sat up and looked around him feeling still feeling completely beside himself. He hadn't been able to outrun his pain, he was going to have to go through it and it was terrifying. There were other people strolling around the park. Couples, families, Dads with their children, grandparents...they were all living their lives and here he was feeling like his had just ended. He suddenly wished he could swap lives with one of those people, any single of them. He’d take whatever they were going through instead of this. He was realising why this time was already hurting far worse than the break up two years ago. Back then leaving had been his choice, it had hurt but he’d believed it to be for the best. But now…

_…What happens now? What happens when you realise the person left was definitely your soulmate…but they don’t want you back? What happens when your soulmate finds someone else?_

He suddenly imagined living a life where his happiness was always shadowed by his unrequited love for Hanbin and he stood up in a despairing, gnawing panic, tears running down his face. He decided to look for a bar, he was thirsty after running anyway.

 

 

***

 

They decided to be subtle about it, but not too subtle. After all photos of Hanbin moving in the other day had already been put up online. But still, YG didn’t like his artists to advertise their relationships, he liked the “work always comes first” image. So they were going to obey the rules and arrive at the auction separately. Hanbin had actually been less keen with the idea than Yeongjin who had insisted. He was fiercely protective of Hanbin’s reputation.

Hanbin was allowed to bid a few times but Yeongjin had already made him promise the previous night on his mother’s life not to buy the Maserati. Yeongjin was absolutely determined that the final bid would go to a big fan of his, an eccentric millionaire who’d been a passionate skater in his own youth. The guy had more money than he knew what to do with and Yeongjin wanted to make sure the organisation for the protection of children got as much of that money as possible.

“So stay out of it, or else…” Yeongjin had warned Hanbin, pulling him into the shower behind him.

“Or else what?” Hanbin had smirked grabbing one of the fancy bars of marbled soap and sliding it down over his tattooed chest. Yeongjin responded by shoving him back against the shower wall, the impact making the soap shoot from his hand like a bullet, and kissing him painfully hard, just the way he liked it.

When Hanbin arrived outside the auction held in a glamorous events hall there were plenty of questions from the media.

_“B.I. can you tell us when your relationship with The Reaper began??”_

_“B.I. can you confirm you are now living together??”_

_“Is it true that Jang Yeongjin is your boyfriend??”_

_“Will you be taking home your boyfriends car today for charity??”_

He smiled tightly through it all and finally managed to slip inside with the help of security, his heart racing with an electric thrill underneath his crisp suit jacket. He was excited that this was their first public appearance together. While part of him wanted to keep Yeongjin and his relationship all to himself another part of himself took a perverse, joyful pride in people knowing they were together. And there was no denying it, he mused to himself as he formally greeted Yeongjin standing next to the Maserati, they looked fantastic together. They were going to pass it off as just being friends for the event but before he moved on to the greet the high-rollers Yeongjin gave him the swiftest of winks and a lop-sided smile that took his breath away. He walked away in a daze, even accepting a glass of champagne from a waiter despite never having liked the stuff. He sipped it just for something to do with his hands and inevitably run into public personalities he’d met throughout his time on tv shows and events nights.

The auction itself began with a speech by Yeongjin that only Hanbin knew was completely improvised. Hanbin felt nervous for Yeongjin’s sake because if there was anything he hated more it was needing to deliver a performance that hadn’t been practiced. But Yeongjin swaggered up to the podium amidst applause, oozing charisma in his black velvet tuxedo, and began talking as if he was having an intense yet whimsical chat with a long-term best friend at a bar. It was impressive yet intimately conversational.

“I’m going to begin with a quote because I’ve been told that’s how all professional speeches begin, and as someone with little education, god knows, I need advice on how to sound professional," there was polite laughter and Hanbin smiled at his self-deprecation. Yeongjin then continued, "..So here we go…Ghandi once said that “a nations greatness is measured by how well it treats its weakest members.” I really like that because in those moments in which we help those weaker than ourselves, like children, we are putting aside self-interest entirely, which is usually such a big task for us on a daily basis. Not being greedy and putting ourselves first is, let’s face it, hard. But when we help children who are orphaned, animals who have been taught fear, those who have been stigmatised because of their illnesses, and the elderly who can no longer be independent, we’re not gaining anything tangible from that. We don’t get money, we don’t get accolades, we don’t suddenly become more powerful. We do it because it’s right and because we should. And that’s something else that I love about charity work because the fact is…who doesn’t feel good after helping a child? Who doesn’t want the next generation to be less screwed up than this one? It is a really incredible moment when we discover that the greatest experiences in life are the ones which provide us with no tangible reward. I will finish by saying, tonight, instead of trying to think of reasons _why_ continue bidding, I urge you all to think of reasons why _not_. Cheers.”

The audience clapped Yeongjin stood down and returned to his seat while the head of the organisation the money was going towards stood up to give the next speech. As she talked about the benefits of closing orphanages and instead spending their money towards supporting the child-fostering system Hanbin’s thoughts strayed to trying to Yeongjin’s past and something suddenly occurred to him. He thought back to Yeongjin reciting his song to him at the skatepark the night they first met…the letter Yeongjin had given him on his birthday…Yeongjin staring at his computer screen…

The auction began shortly after the final speech and the bidding went off immediately. Hanbin didn’t even managed to sneak a bid in because so many wealthy fans of Skating and Yeongjin himself stepped in to ruthlessly beat each other for his sleek, black, panther-like Maserati. The auctioneer became increasingly loud as the bids soared and when they hit the estimated highest bid and then exceeded it Hanbin watched Yeongjin punch the air then turn to the equally thrilled head of the organisation and hug her tightly. Yeongjin and the lady then both jumped on the spot and hugged again when the car went for far more than they had anticipated to the exact eccentric millionaire they had been counting on. Hanbin’s heart glowed and throbbed happily. He loved seeing Yeongjin happy, it was the best feeling he’d felt in a long time.

It took Hanbin a long time to speak to Yeongjin again and the first thing he did was ask him the question that had been pressing on him since his improvised speech.

“Why didn’t you tell me you couldn’t read or write?”

“Oh yeah…I can’t,” Yeongjin giggled sheepishly, looking away to catch the eye of a waiter to get another glass of champagne.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me…the card you wrote me for my birthday, you got someone else to write it, didn’t you?” Yeongjin sniggered whilst trying to drink from the tall glass flute.

“Yeah funny story that. Teddy was pissed as hell about having to write a love letter to you I'd composed, but anyway I twisted his arm and he did it. Look, I gotta go talk to our winner over there. I’ll come find you in ten, ok?”

Hanbin watched Yeongjin inch his way through the crowds wondering how on earth he’d managed to meet someone so completely bizarre yet fascinating. 

 

 

***

 

“Another drink?”

Bobby looked up at the bartender with eyes that were droopy and red. He’d been sitting by himself in a quiet bar for hours now. He'd had a fair few drinks already but the could feel the heartbreak hidden under layers of alcohol slowly, but brutally clawing its way back to the surface. He needed to numb everything as much as possible, he wasn't going to be able to get through this night sober.

“Three more, please,” he mumbled. As he sculled down the first of his new round of drinks he immediately felt some form of relief. It didn’t totally numb the agony he was in completely but it made him feel more removed from it, like it was happening a kilometre away from him.

Just as his feelings started losing their edges and blurring into one giant ache, his thoughts also became increasingly incoherent.

Maybe if he got drunk enough, so completely totally off his face, he’d forget everything the way it was right now? Maybe he’d lose himself so completely that he’d believe for a moment that Hanbin wasn’t with Yeongjin and they hadn’t just moved in together…that Hanbin still loved him, that they still had a chance of being together?

He downed the last drink and waved over the bartender again. He decided it was worth a try, anything was better than this.

 

***

 

Minjee was finally about to go to bed, she was exhausted. She’d finished painstakingly adding the blossoms and decorative dollops of cream to the red velvet cake with raspberry-cream-cheese frosting, and that was after attending baking school and a full eight hour working day in a job she already hated.

She stared lovingly but sadly at her creation because she knew already she was going to end up eating way too much of it and she was already self-conscious. All the girls at her work were so slim and petite…she often regretted falling in love with baking, it wasn’t good for her figure. She’d take it into work tomorrow to share with every but also to distract her boss from the fact she was no doubt going to fall asleep during the four hours long monthly team meeting. She washed up especially fast, being rougher than normal with her prized cooking utensils, brushed her teeth and settled into bed. It was 2:15am and she tried to convince herself that she only needed a good four and half hours to function like the mature accountant she as supposed to be.

But before she’d even shut her eyes her apartment buzzer rang long and hard. She jumped like a live wire. She knew exactly who it was and butterflies swarmed nervously in her stomach. She hadn’t seen or heard from Bobby the past two weeks since he first showed up out of the blue, something she’d been trying her hardest not to be disappointed about. She’d been sternly reminding herself at least once a day that he was a celebrity and had more important things to do than hang out with his nerdy family friend. She got up and put her dressing gown on, preparing something sassy to say about Bobby turning up again in the middle of the night. She pressed the buzzer but before she could say a word she was scared out of her skin by flood of loud noise blasting through the speaker. She jumped again clutching her heart only to realise the sound was Bobby’s hysterical crying.

“Jiwon?? What’s going on??” Minjee asked but he could barely speak through his sobbing. When he did answer he was slurring and totally incomprehensible. She realised he must be very drunk. She managed to hear something about his wallet being stolen…then a fight happening…then the wallet wasn’t stolen…or something…

“Jiwon, just wait ok? I’m coming downstairs to get you.” Bobby didn’t reply he just kept crying.

When Minjee got downstairs she found him outside her apartment block in a terrible state, crying on the curb of the road and swaying side to side. He turned around at the sound of her approaching revealing a face wet with tears, one red eye puffy from crying, the other eye badly bruised, and blood dribbling from the left corner of his mouth. There was also a rather pissed off cab driver leaning against his car with arms crossed, waiting for his fare.

“so-so-sorry..” Bobby hiccuped. It appeared he really had lost his wallet.  

“Oh…one minute, I’ll get my purse…” Minjee sighed and went back upstairs, got her wallet and returned to pay the driver. He took the money curtly and opened the door to his vehicle to drive away as fast as he could but Minjee was now struggling to get Bobby standing upright. His legs kept giving away from underneath him and he had no balance to speak of.

“Sir, please!” Minjee called out, “could you help me get him to the lift? _Please_?” The driver watched the girl struggle to gather up her companion from the ground with one of his slack arms around her shoulders. He was too heavy for her and they were nearly falling over. The driver shook his head and huffed but went to help.

“Thank you!” Minjee tried to bow to the driver before the elevator door closed but she was balancing Bobby between her hip and the elevator wall. He could barely stand upright. The door closed and had only travelled up one level when Bobby seemed to suddenly remember something. He moaned then abruptly sank to the elevator floor and began sobbing once more. 

Minjee had to press the open button three separate times before she could coax the crying Bobby to stand up and exit the lift. They made their way painfully slowly down the hallway as Bobby continued to sob and mumble incoherently. When they finally made it inside Minjee’s apartment she tried to lead Bobby to her sofa but he stalled and they nearly fell over.

“No! B-bathroom!” he insisted. He was feeling nauseous but he couldn’t connect the right words together to explain that to her. 

Minjee helped Bobby to the bathroom and as soon as the door opened he stumbled forward and dropped to the cold tiled floor like a rag doll. Minjee watched stunned and alarmed as he lay on his side in a semi-foetal position while gut-wrenching sobs shook his whole body, leaving him gasping for breath. She wondered what the hell had happened for him to be like this and if maybe it was connected to what he’d told her before about having made a “bad mistake.” It had to be something terrible because she’d never ever seen him like this and never imagined she would. Was it Heartbreak??

Anxious thoughts ran through Minjee’s mind as she crouched down next to Bobby on the floor and stroked his head feeling helpless. Should she call his parents? She had their number after all. Should she look through his phone and call one of his friends? Should she call his older brother? But what could he do, he was in The States…

Then it occurred to her that maybe there was a reason why he had come to her in particular. Maybe he didn’t want his parents to see him drunk? Maybe his friends weren’t available right now? Who knew…for the time being all she could do was try and get him through this dark moment of despair…

For some time, she didn’t really know how long but it felt like forever, she sat with him on the bathroom floor and let him cry. It was the most terrible sound she’d ever heard and tears of sympathy even pricked her own eyes. But something also told her that he needed to cry, there was a yearning sound in his sobbing that suggested he’d lost something and that it had come as a horrible shock. Yep, it had to be heartbreak, surely. But she sat there and stroked his hair, listening sadly as he sobbed until he couldn’t sustain it any longer and abruptly fell into a exhausted silence. All that was left was his rapid hiccups.

Minjee noticed that some blood had pooled on the tiles underneath his mouth. She needed to do something about that injury, at least work out how bad it was. She got out her first aid kit from the bathroom cupboard behind her, the one her over-protective parents had insisted giving her the day she moved out. Funnily enough it had proved to be a rather useful gift as her cooking and baking had progressed –she’d lost count of the amount of times she’d accidentally sliced her finger whilst dicing something in a hurry.

“Roll over, Jiwon-ah” she gently pulled his shoulder and he did as she asked. She dabbed away at his mouth and chin as he stared hopelessly at the ceiling through glassy eyes, his nose still running. Minjee was relieved to discover the injury looked worse than it was. He only had a minor cut in the left corner of his mouth and some swelling that an icepack would no doubt fix. The only problem was it just wouldn’t stop bleeding.

“So what happened? Did someone steal your wallet?” She asked. Bobby didn’t reply, he was starting to feel really gross. “Never mind, tell me another time...Hold this here hard,” she told him, grabbing his slack hand and pressing it to the cotton wool ball on his bust lip, “I need to go get you some ice for your eye...”

Bobby clumsily held the cotton wool ball to his mouth feeling his head spin even though he was still on the ground. He kind of liked the pain he was in, it stopped him from thinking about other things. Minjee returned with an icepack from her freezer. She wrapped it in a cloth and held it to Bobby’s swollen, purple eye. Despite the gravity of the situation Minjee couldn’t help it, she had to hold back a smile at the absurdity of it all. The two of them probably looked so bizarre, sitting on the floor in her bathroom, both pressing something to his face.

When Bobby’s hiccups had almost faded away and he was just sniffling every now and again Minjee gave him a rueful smile.

“So…do you want to tell me what happened?”

Bobby shook his head and immediately regretted it, it made his head throb. There was no way he could answer her question. It was too painful to speak about and he was still too drunk to articulate himself anyway. He was even _thinking_ drunk. At the bar he’d made the terrible, awful, stupid mistake of looking at the paparazzi shots of Hanbin moving into Yeongjin’s place on his phone.  His thoughts were an agonising whirlpool of those photos, fantasies of beating up Yeongjin, and predicting more terrible moments like this to come in the near future…what was the next soul-destroying Hanbin-Yeongjin relationship milestone he going to have to bear witness to??

“Ok, you don’t have to tell me. But can you tell me how you’re feeling now…? Feeling any better?” She asked with a hopeful smile. She watched transfixed as Bobby’s face turned a hideous greenish colour right before her eyes. He sat up without warning and launched himself towards the toilet, making it just in time. There was her answer…

Bobby’s violent throwing up continued on and off for twenty minutes and Minjee began to worry once again that she really needed to be doing something more than just rubbing his back and brushing his hair out of his eyes. Maybe he had alcohol poisoning?? Maybe she needed to call an ambulance??

But just as she decided to go get her phone Bobby seemed to be done. He dragged his arm across his mouth and he sank to the bathroom floor with a long, exhausted groan. The tiles felt nice and cool against his feverish skin and he suddenly just wanted to sleep forever. He had drunk, fought, cried and vomited himself into a state of complete, utter exhaustion.

Minjee could see that he was definitely ready to sleep with his closed eyes and slow deep breaths. But he couldn’t stay there in her bathroom all night.

“Jiwon, come on, bed time,” Minjee insisted trying to coax him up. He was going get a cold for sure if he slept there all night…he was already shaking like crazy.

Bobby tried to tell her that it was ok…he didn’t mind that the floor was cold and hard, he just wanted to be still and never move or think or feel again. He’d caused her enough trouble anyway. He’d stay here in case he needed to throw up more, tucked away, out of sight. She wouldn’t even know he was here…But all his words came out in a scramble and Minjee couldn’t pick up a single thing.

“Jiwon, come on, please. Get up. Now.” He groaned but allowed her to help him to his feet. She half carried him, panting away, to the sofa and made sure he fell onto it belly first, feeling proud she had managed to remember all those high school health and fitness classes on “how to keep a drunk friend safe overnight when they’re intoxicated.” She grabbed a spare blanket from her linen cupboard to keep him warm, and a bucket from underneath her kitchen sink for him to throw up into if he needed. By the time she had returned Bobby was asleep.

She checked the time, it was nearly 3:45am in the morning. She really needed to go to bed or else she was never going able to get through the next day alive, but she was still worried about Bobby. She didn’t want him to throw up again while he was asleep…

She realised she was going to have to stay in the loungeroom and keep an eye on him. Resignedly she grabbed her doona from her bed and tucked herself up on her single armchair opposite her sofa. She managed to stay awake for another hour to keep an eye on Bobby before she finally slipped off to sleep feeling sure that he had passed the worst of it.

 

***

 

“I’m really sorry about last night…that must have been really intense...” Bobby mumbled remorsefully as Minjee walked through her front door. It was 8:30pm, she’d just arrived home from her class and Bobby was still at her house. He’d woken up the morning after his episode with the worst hangover of his life and had been too sick and depressed to move. He’d lay staring into space on her couch all day, as tears run down his face half-heartedly. The only communication he’d had with anyone had been to text Minjee while she was at work in a meeting to ask if it was ok if he ate some of the cake in her fridge because he was starving and there was no other food in the house. He'd raided her cupboard and fridge but only found weird things like anise stars, saffron, a thousand different types of flour and vanilla bean pods. 

“Shhh,” Minjee replied as she headed to her kitchen, disinterested in hearing his apology. She considered it unnecessary because she would look after him a dozen times over if he needed, she would be there for him unconditionally. He smiled feebly and joined her in the kitchen, watching her read a recipe. She was exhausted but determined to quickly whip up the lavender pavlova she’d just learned in class, she wanted to see if she could get the eggs fluffy enough with vinegar to achieve the same height her teacher had achieved.

Without taking her eyes from the recipe before her on the kitchen counter she pointed in the direction of the fridge.

“Four eggs.” Bobby smiled, at her bossy tone, grateful yet guilty that she wasn’t even going to scold him for his drunken trantrum. 

_Typical Jee...she acts like she won’t take shit but she’s a total softie…_

“Oh and the icing sugar from the cupboard,” She added. Bobby returned to the bench with the ingredients and watched Minjee as she reached for the bowls and pans she needed from around her kitchen.

“So, how was your day?” he asked. She finally looked up and gave him a teasing smile.

“Better than yours. Whip these egg whites for me. As soon as this is in the oven I'll whip up some dinner, ok?” Bobby took the large silver cooking bowl and whisk from Minjee and got to work as she started measuring out the sugars. An unspoken gratefulness for each other’s presence filled the kitchen and they both fell into silence, absorbedly working away at their own tasks to the same content rhythm.

 

***

  
It had been exactly a week since Bobby had received the news about Hanbin and Yeongjin and he was hanging out with Donghyuk. A few days after he’d yelled at the boys in anger about Hanbin moving in with Yeongjin he’d felt miserable about it and called each one of them individually to apologise. He loved them too much and he needed them. They all forgave him in an instant, knowing how heartbroken he’d been in the moment and they had apologised to. But he’d cut them off when they’d tried to explain their rationale behind letting Hanbin move in with Yeongjin, he just didn’t want to know. It was something they just couldn’t talk about together, he’d never understand it so there was no point.

They were each sitting on a beanbag on the roof of Donghyuk’s apartment block. It wasn’t exactly flashy with its peeling paint, exposed pipes, and air vents popping all over the place, but the views of Seoul were amazing and they were just in time for sunset.

“Want another?” Donghyuk asked Bobby with a small smile, holding out Soju. After a small chat about music and recording they’d sat together in silence for a while, watching the peachy and purple tones of the sky blur into a psychedelic swirl. Bobby shook his head and continued staring out across the rooftops. He’d already learned the hard way that alcohol didn’t solve anything, it just lied and said it could. Now he was sitting with Donghyuk and trying to brace himself for another long night. He hadn’t been sleeping lately and that was perhaps the most frightening heartbreak symptom of all, especially for someone who considered sleep a hobby of the highest order. 

“What do _you_ think of Yeongjin?” Bobby asked Donghyuk, staring straight ahead grimly. Donghyuk sighed, knowing that he wanted an honest answer. Bobby looked at him.

“He’s alright,” Donghyuk said with a shrug.

“You like him.” Bobby confirmed nodding, trying to be as stoic as possible. If there was something lonelier than being the only person in a group who hated someone, he couldn’t currently think of what it was.

“Look…he’s fine, he’s…” Donghyuk trailed off, not wanting to say anything more positive about Yeongjin than he had to. After all, he loved Bobby way more than Yeongjin who was still only just an acquaintance.

“And Hanbin? He really likes him, hey?” Bobby asked through a tight throat. Donghyuk cleared his throat, once again wanting to be honest but not wanting to hurt his friend. He shuffled around awkwardly in his bean bag before finally giving in with a sigh.

“I think he does, yeah…” Donghyuk took another sip of his drink only to then hear a sniffle. He turned to see Bobby crying with shoulders shaking. “Oh shit, Jiwon…!” Donghyuk put his drink down and shuffled closer to Bobby, throwing his arm around his shoulders. Bobby tried to wipe his tears away but as soon as he did another nine replacements quickly rolled along. He felt broken, like total mush.

“It’s just…” Bobby choked, “I’ve loved him _so long_ …since I was fifteen, love at first sight…we were together five years, the best and hardest five years of my life…then I thought I didn’t love him anymore, but I did…I still do…I think I’ll always love him…and I’m scared this is going to be the rest of my life – me loving him even though there’s no fucking point…” Donghyuk squeezed his shoulders.

“…I know, this sucks, it really does…but you’re not going to feel this way forever…” Donghyuk sighed, unsure what else to say. He’d never been in Bobby’s position, he didn’t know what he could or couldn’t promise about his feelings. But his words struck a chord with Bobby, they gave him an idea. Suddenly he wanted to do something and he needed Dong to be with him.

“Hey, I need you to come with me, I need to do something.” Donghyuk looked at Bobby’s suddenly steely eyes and determined face. He was apprehensive.

“Uh…ok…what?”

“Just come, let’s go. Right now,” Bobby stood up and started collecting the empty bottles. Donghyuk started doing the same, hoping he wasn’t about to get himself into a sticky situation.

 

***

 

“Ok, where exactly are we going?” Donghyuk asked nervously. They’d been driving down some random highway outside Seoul for about 30 minutes now and he was getting worried. He’d never been this far outside the city before, especially for a mysterious duty with a very heartbroken, very emotional best friend.

“Nearly there,” Bobby grunted, keeping his eyes on the dark road lit up only by his headlights. They pulled off the highway down the same track Bobby remembered and drove down to the carpark and jetty that crept out over the ocean. The shipping port glowed like series of monstrous Christmas trees in the distance. Donghyuk looked around confused but too wary of distressing Bobby any further to question his choice of location. Bobby parked and turned off the ignition.

“Come, please,” Bobby asked Donghyuk. Donghyuk nodded, still unsure what was going on but he followed Bobby to the jetty. “Can you just…wait here? Please?” Bobby asked him earnestly, gesturing to the where the jetty met the shoreline.

“Yeah, sure…”

Bobby walked out alone to the end of the jetty and took out the envelope containing the letter he’d written to Hanbin. He decided to return to the spot where he’d realised he was still in love with Hanbin and throw it into the ocean. He didn’t need it now, Hanbin wasn't interested in knowing his side of the story because he was in love with someone else. 

Bobby knew he was being totally dramatic, driving to this point to throw a fucking piece of paper into the ocean, but that was exactly why he was doing it. He needed to make a ritual out of it, after all he wasn’t just throwing away a letter, he was throwing away his first love, a five-year relationship, a terrible mistake, a dozen miserable fights and missed opportunities, and a burning unrequited love. He didn't know how he was going to do it but he wasn't going to let this heartbreak ruin him, Donghyuk was right...there was no way he could possibly feel this way forever. And he needed to step up to the challenge and try and speed up that process. 

He held onto the letter and squeezed his eyes shut tight, tears still managing to leak through. His heart ached in his chest like a giant bruise. The black water swirled scarily below him and he knew the letter would be destroyed within moments of hitting its surface. He held out the letter over the jetty…but didn’t let go. He needed just one more minute, then he’d let go.

That minute passed and he began to cry harder, it felt like he was about to throw away everything he’d ever loved, hoped and dreamed. It hurt so bad he couldn’t let go.

“Bobby?” Donghyuk called in a worried voice. He couldn’t see what Bobby was doing, it just looked like he was staring into the water.

“Just give me a minute!” Bobby croaked back. He shook his head and geared himself up again. Ok, another two minutes, then really, he’d let go for real.

He just needed a bit longer, just a few more minutes…


	14. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desiderium
> 
> (n.) an ardent longing for something lost
> 
> Somaticize
> 
> (v.) to convert anxiety into physical symptoms

Hanbin and Yeongjin were both lazing about on the couch in Hanbin’s new studio upstairs. Yeongjin’s head lay in Hanbin’s lap and they were both relaxing with their phones in content silence. It was the first proper night they’d had alone at home together since Hanbin moved which three weeks ago. Unfortunately, Hanbin’s decision to move in with Yeongjin had coincided with a touring schedule that caught him by surprise. When he and Yeongjin had picked the day for the move-in Hanbin had completely forgotten that just the next day he was meant to be flying to Japan to begin a two week tour. How he’d managed to forget a while tour Hanbin wasn’t quite sure, but then again he had noticed that Yeongjin had a way of making time move very fast, in such a way that he always thought he had more left over than he really did.

“Why can’t you move in when you come back?” I’ve been texting you about the tour schedule for the last two weeks!” was Nmkyu's irritated reply when Hanbin had called begging to change the flight time so he could have just another two hours to bring over the last few boxes. But Hanbin couldn’t wait, he didn’t know why, he just knew he needed to move in with Yeongjin and make it final as soon as possible. He needed to know he was returning to Yeongjin when he returned to Seoul.

Hanbin had felt nervous flying off to Japan and being without Yeongjin for two weeks. Initially they had planned for Yeongjin to fly over whenever he could as Hanbin was also secretly very eager to perform live for Yeongjin who still hadn’t witnessed him on stage since they’d gotten together. And Yeongjin had been holding out for an opportunity to be in his audience for ages. However it wasn’t to be., Yeongjin just didn't have time. He had also just entered a busy period as he was doing his best to build hype and media attention leading up to the start of the skateboarding competition season.

So Hanbin toured solo, something he decided wasn’t his thing, especially now that he was no longer used to being alone. It was uncomfortable but not surprising that Hanbin felt somewhat empty without Yeongjin by his side. He felt best during the tour when on stage and having fun, feeling the love of the fans, dancing his favourite routines and getting to perform his favourite songs. But when he returned to his hotel room after each show he’d felt restless and bored and slightly anxious without Yeongjin.

They had facetimed, called each other and messaged whenever they could but Hanbin knew next time he toured he really wanted Yeongjin to be around at least for some of it. He craved the energy Yeongjin gave him, the pep and lust for life that tended to drain from him when left with his thoughts for too long.

But now he was back from the tour he finally had some time to enjoy living with Yeongjin, to get used to it. Although he’d already been staying over at Yeongjin’s for a while it still felt different. Now he no longer had to return to his townhouse to work in his studio, change clothes, or to water the pot plants his mother had gifted him (she hated it when he let them die). Now that they woke up together every day, ate together more often, and share everything, their relationship now felt truly serious, very adult and mature. Hanbin liked it but he still didn’t quite know how it had all happened and every now and again when he got a text from one of the boys asking how he and Yeongjin were going he stared at it like it hadn't been meant for him but for someone else. 

_Wow, I’ve really done it. I’ve really moved on. And I’m happy. It’s a miracle…_

Hanbin looked down at Yeongjin’s striking, angular face in his lap, his long lean body stretched out across the pillows. He then looked around the incredible room they were in and smiled happily.

 When he’d arrived back home, to his ‘new’ home, the first thing he’d noticed was how happy Yeongjin had been to see him again too. A form of happiness that came in a rush of desire. After catching up on how much they’d missed each other’s bodies Yeongjin had dragged Hanbin from bed to show him something. Leading him to a door just down the hallway from their bedroom Yeongjin had turned to face Hanbin with a smile.

“I prepared it while you were away. You need a good space to work here…,” He opened the door and they walked in. The new studio was a far larger than Hanbin’s small loft space studio had been. It had charcoal grey walls and sleek black furniture, a huge library of albums containing all his favourite artists he had mentioned to Yeongjin over the past weeks, and far more equipment than Hanbin had ever dreamed he’d need. It had a recording booth, sound proofing, plenty of instruments for jam sessions, and of course a place that displayed Hanbin’s many awards and achievements.

Hanbin had been speechless, staring around in awe, unsure whether to believe it was more than a facade. Then once he spotted each new recording item his mind had began to whir away with new ideas and creative possibilities. He nodded approvingly wearing a huge dopey smile.

“I don’t think even G-Dragon has a studio like this…” Hanbin muttered. Yeongjin tossed his head back and laughed.

“I’m glad you like it,” Yeongjin patted Hanbin’s backside affectionately, encouraging him to take a look around. But Hanbin turned to Yeongjin with a concerned expression on his face.

“But you’ve got to tell me how much this all cost. This is ridiculous. I’ll pay you back asap.”

“Nup.” Yeongjin bit his bottom lip and crossed his arms, cocking his head to the side in a show of teasing defiance.

“Tell me,” Hanbin growled and grabbed Yeongjin’s shirt. They wrestled for a second, both laughing and giggling. Yeongjin who was undoubtedly stronger deliberately let Hanbin mess him around before catching him and kissing him hard, stopping him in his tracks. Flustered into submission Hanbin kissed him back, desire rising in his stomach once again.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s a welcome home gift,” Yeongjin reassured him.  

“Sounds like I’m coming back from somewhere,” Hanbin joked, still uncomfortable with the way Yeongjin had splashed out on him. This wasn’t a pair of limited edition sneakers, this was a room full of thousands of dollars of computers and recording items. This wasn’t a gift, it was a declaration.

“You are. You’re coming from a world where we were people who didn’t know each other, to one where we do. This is _our_ world. And don’t worry about the _stuff_ …after all, it’s just to make the room pretty. The only thing that really matters in this room is this…” Yeongjin had then rested his hand proudly on top of Hanbin’s head as if it was made of Swarovski crystal.

Truth be told, Hanbin acknowledged as he looked around the room from his position on the couch, he did still miss his old studio. He’d only been working in this studio for a few days so he knew he was just being childish. It was funny that he’d never really paid much attention to his old workspace except to note whether it was too cold or too hot, or whether all the technology worked properly. But now he’d moved out and was living with Yeongjin he couldn’t help thinking back to the small, but bright space fondly and with a slight nostalgia.

Hanbin stopped daydreaming and returned to the present. He looked down again at yeongjn’s face and ran his hands through his hair. Yeongjin’s eyes were narrowed in concentration as he watched a youtube clip on his phone, yet another skateboarding trick performed by a rival he’d be meeting in Tampa. Seeing the video Hanbin remembered what was on his mind and searched for something on his phone.

“Hey, can you read this?” Hanbin asked Yeongjin presenting his phone to him to read with a curious smile.

Yeongjin peered at the phone screen suspended over his face. Hanbin had had a radio interview that day and a meeting with a producer, while Yeongjin had spent the whole day skating and working out and was now exhausted. He’d slouched through the door of the studio with an exhausted smile on his face, bear-hugged Hanbin up and out of his desk chair, and ushered him to the couch for a cuddling session.

Although Hanbin knew Yeongjin was dopey with tiredness he still couldn’t help pushing for more information, it was something he’d taken to doing every now and again since his discovery about Yeongjin at the auction. Realising he was looking at a children’s poem Yeongjin rolled his eyes and looked down at his own phone again, smiling nonetheless.

“What does it say?” Hanbin wasn’t asking to embarrass Yeongjin and they both knew that. Hanbin had made it clear since he learned about Yeongjin’s secret that he wasn’t judging him, nor did he think that made him less interesting or attractive. If anything, Yeongjin found Hanbin’s fascination with his functional illiteracy amusing. Hanbin kept doing harmless reading experiments with Yeongjin simply because he couldn’t imagine what it was like to not be able to read or write and he wanted to get as close to that experience as possible. He just wanted to know what it was like to be Yeongjin.

It turned out that Yeongjin could read and he could write…but only a little bit and only from memory as opposed to understanding. He knew how to write his name and he had memorised the right characters for Hanbin’s, so he could write it if he was pressed. He knew a huge amount of words from sight but he had great trouble remembering how to write them because he often only remembered them when he actually saw them.

At first Hanbin hadn’t understood at all how Yeongjin had made it this far in life without those skills, but as Yeongjin revealed to him just how much of modern day language was comprised of signs and images, he actually began to understand. Bathrooms had signs, restaurant menus had pictures, you could also ask your friends to read things for you…Hanbin also began to remember other small details about Yeongjin he’d noticed before without thinking twice. The way he had his phone set up to read out his texts aloud, the way he’d always asked Hanbin for instructions when cooking as opposed to looking at the recipe himself, his aversion to googling things, his preference for getting others to provide information for him, his interest in images and music and disinterest in anything theoretical…it all made sense now.

“I can read the title. It’s about a cat. That’s all…” but after a pause Yeongjin back up at Hanbin’s phone, reconsidering his answer. “I can probably pick out some more words…like I know some basics…” he looked at the screen and pointed with his long tattooed finger at a few random words as Hanbin scrolled.

“That…and that…nope nothing in that line…yeah that one…” Hanbin was bemused. From what he could see from the random words Yeongjin did recognise like “cat,” “frog,” “dumpling” and “water,” his reading ability was totally arbitrary, suggesting that his learning had been patchy at perhaps the worst point it could have been, when he was supposed to be learning the fundamentals.

“I still don’t get why you didn’t tell me this before?” Hanbin asked, tickling Yeongjin’s chin affectionately. Yeongjin sniggered.

“I don’t really get why you’re fascinated by it. It’s hardly the most interesting thing about me,” Yeongjin grinned up at Hanbin flirtatiously, “It just is what it is.”

“You still haven’t told me why though? It was because you didn’t go to school much, right? That’s what you said before…” Yeongjin responded by sitting up and stretching. Hanbin heard a series of tightly knit bones and tendons creak.  

“I’ll tell you another time,” Yeongjin informed him through a yawn.

“No, I want to know now…” Hanbin urged, taking Yeongjin’s hand and bouncing it around like a child. He was trying to make a joke out of it but on a deeper level he’d felt like he’d abruptly hit the threshold of his patience with Yeongjin’s allusiveness. Maybe it was because they were living together that he now felt more entitled to Yeongjin’s past.  Maybe it was because it was starting to worry him, after all what did it mean if Yeongjin wouldn’t share his past with him? Did he not trust him?

“Let’s go to bed,” Yeongjin stood up and so did Hanbin but only to take Yeongjin’s wrist to stop him from walking off.

“Come on, why won’t you tell me things,” Hanbin complained, “I want to know this stuff about you! Why won’t you tell me? Is it because you think I’ll judge you or something? Because I won’t, I don’t care if you didn’t go to school, if you had a poor family, if you were a loser or bullied, if you were ugly…” Yeongjin gave Hanbin a cynical half-smile.

“You say that now…”

“No, trust me, come on. I want to know. I want to know about your Mum and Dad. Do you have siblings? Where did you grow up? Did you have friends, which school did you go to?” Hanbin knew it was all coming out in a frenzy but he could feel something in Yeongjin giving way, probably due to tiredness. He wondered if he just kept pushing a little more…

“Hey, just to remind you, you haven’t shared _everything_ with me…” Yeongjin responded with raised brows. Just the previous week Yeongjin had asked him out of the blue if his Dad really had committed the fraud he’d been accused of those years ago. Hanbin had replied with the truth, he wasn’t allowed to discuss it.

“But I have shared lots of other things with you…” Hanbin retorted, “I just want to know you more, I want to know everything about you…why are you acting like some kind of secret agent?” Hanbin laughed to show Yeongjin he wasn’t angry, he was just confused. Yeongjin nodded, whilst regarding Hanbin seemingly through a different dimension. It was like an invisible but impenetrable curtain had abruptly passed down between them.

“The truth is…” Yeongjin said in a flat tone, “it’s not that I don’t _want_ to talk to you about my life…it’s that I _can’t_. I don’t have the words to describe it. I’ve tried to describe it many times before, to different people, but I never get it right…it never sounds real, or makes sense…”

There was something lost in Yeongjin’s face as he spoke and an arrow of concern shot right into the centre of Hanbin’s heart with a sharp sting. Yeongjin suddenly looked to him no older than sixteen, like someone who simultaneously needed to be taken care of and who had seen more throughout his life than ten grown men put together. Up until now Hanbin had assumed that the main reason Yeongjin hadn’t wanted to discuss his past was probably due to the same reasons most famous, cool people didn’t want to: who liked being reminded of their foolish, dorky younger self? But now it was dawning on Hanbin that maybe Yeongjin really did have a dark past, and that was what was casting its shadow across his face in this very moment.

“Was it bad? When you were growing up?” Hanbin asked tentatively. He knew they were approaching the edge of Yeongjin’s steely boundaries and he was sure any second he was going to be pricked or sharply buzzed by some electric current. But Yeongjin just nodded, his eyes still far away. He then seemed to remember himself and chuckled, softly cuffing Hanbin’s cheek.

“Look, I’m not ready to tell you now but I’ll try and get the words together to tell you one day, how about that?” Yeongjin took him by the hand and led him to their bedroom. Hanbin followed Yeongjin into the ensuite to get ready for bed, happy to give up his quest for the truth for the time being now that he felt sure it was going to be far more sinister than he’d been expecting. He felt a bit unnerved.

“Promise?” Hanbin demanded as gently as he could, watching Yeongjin inspect his razor sharp jawling in the bathroom mirror.

“Promise.” Yeongjin reassured him with a wink.

 

***

 

Hanbin struggled to fall asleep that night. He kept rolling over in their giant bed to look at Yeongjin who had fallen asleep within thirty seconds. Hanbin felt overcome with a tenderness towards him. It was hard to believe someone like Yeongjin could have been treated badly because now he was such an unshakeable, resilient person, made of something like shiny, razor sharp steel. Hanbin felt stronger just standing next to him.

As he lay in the darkness different ideas ran through Hanbin’s mind about what experiences could possibly have made up Yeongjin’s childhood, but they were all depressing and hard to think about it. He didn’t want to imagine Yeongjin not being loved or cared for, it made his throat clam up. His own childhood had been safe, loving, warm and full of opportunities. He felt guilty that Yeongjin’s hadn’t. He wriggled about agitatedly for another few minutes until he reminded himself that they had taken one step forwards – Yeongjin had promised to tell him, eventually. One day he would confide in him and that was a promise. And who knew, maybe it would come around sooner than he expected? Feeling a bit better he finally drifted off to sleep.

 

***

 

“Up, up up!” Hanbin woke to the sensation of being shaken awake by Yeongjin. He’d never done it before and Hanbin wasn’t exactly thrilled. He raised his head an inch of the pillow and stared at Yeongjin through sleepy, narrow eyes.

“ _Huh?”_

“Let’s do something fun today,” Yeongjin grinned at him, his hair dangling sexily in front of his eyes.

“Like sleep?” Hanbin suggested, lowering his head back down into his pillow. Yeongjin gave him a tickle that made him whine and squirm.

“Let’s go shopping. I’ve just decided to make a big purchase today and I want you to come along and give me your opinion.” Hanbin stared at Yeongjin who was smiling mysteriously.

“Ok…can you give me a hint?”

“What am I missing that I had a few weeks before?” Hanbin frowned sleepily, trying to work out what on earth he was talking about. Yeongin laughed at his long silence.

“I don’t have a _car_ anymore, you dope.”

“You’re going to buy a _car_ today??” Hanbin was suddenly more awake now. He was by no means a car afficionado but he found the idea of Yeongjin strolling into a car dealer to pick up a new vehicle as casually as choosing a  pair of new shoes rather fascinating.

“Yep. First stop, Lamborghini,” Yeongjin smirked. Hanbin smiled in amusement and massaged his face trying to wake it up.

“Well, ok then…let’s go.”

An hour later they were outside the sparkling glass box of wonders that was the Lamborghini store in Samseong-Dong.

“It’s not too late to turn around and go home,” Hanbin reassured Yeongjin in a joking deadpan voice. “You can get something else…like a Hyundai,” he smirked.

“Fuck Hyundai.” Yeongjin retorted. “I know what I’m about…let’s go.”

They were greeted by a car dealer who was determined to treat them as if they were Gods, which Hanbin found both baffling and amusing. When they were offered sparkling mineral water or tea Yeongjin shot Hanbin a cheeky wink disguised as a blink, he was ready to roll with the situation. If there was something Yeongjin and Hanbin both shared that heightened their chemistry it was their similar sense of humour which varied from dry and cynical, to dirty and scatological, to subtle and mocking. Yeongjin too found pretentiousness in all its forms hilarious and he often took opportunities to play with people without them realising.

“Sparkling water, please. We don’t drink tap water,” Yeongjin replied smoothly. As the dealer scuttled off like a hurried beetle Yeongjin turned to Hanbin who rolled his eyes and was trying to hide a smile.

“What? They’re getting a shit tonne of money from me today, I’m gonna have their fancy water!” Hanbin cracked up. The dealer returned with a silver platter upon which stood two crystal glasses and a bottle of San Pellegrino mineral water. He poured each one carefully as Yeongjin nodded thoughtfully whilst managing to pull off a very convincing pomposity.

Hanbin tentatively sipped the water full of prickly bubbles as he followed Yeongjin and the dealer around the glass showrooms. Every vehicle was like its own species. The different colours, models, shapes, styles of tires, imbued each vehicle with its own unique personality. When they reached the third showroom Yeongjin found what he’d been looking for.

“This one.” Yeongjin declared pointing at the most fantastical car in the building. Hanbin shot him a glance to make sure he was being serious and not still playing around pretending to be fancy. But Yeongjin’s eyes were lit up with satisfaction and Hanbin had to give it to him. Although the car was an inanimate object it somehow managed to be scream “sex.” If the car was a guy at the club it would be Yeongjin in his suit the first night Hanbin met him.

“Ah, yes the Aventador, a driving experience like no other!” The dealer assured him, racing over to the car and giving it a thorough demonstration.

“Sorry to interrupt…”Yeongjin cut him off, “but does it only come in black like this one?”

“No! Please this way!”

They followed the dealer into yet another showroom which contained two more Aventatdors, one in red, one in orange. Yeongjin turned to Hanbin with a grin.

“Your favourite colour is orange right?” Hanbin nodded in awe, still staring at the bright orange car with its incredible sculpted physique. Yeongjin smirked and turned to the dealer, “I’ll take it.”

Half an hour later, after the paperwork had been signed and they’d escaped from the traffic of the city, they were heading down a highway where the speed limit allowed them to really get a feel for the power of the car. Hanbin was far from a thrill-seeker, even the humblest of rollercoasters were enough to reduce him to a quivering, jelly-like mess. But there was something both safe and exhilarating when Yeongjin was behind the wheel. Hanbin trusted Yeongjin to excite him in a way he hadn’t trusted anyone for a while. He put it down to Yeongjin’s overall mastery over anything with wheels. Skateboards, cars, bikes, Yeongjin could ride it to the point of perfection.

“Shit, this was the right choice hey?” Yeongjin grinned behind the wheel making Hanbin smile. “let’s turn on the music.” They got the music playing and as they raced down the highway Hanbin felt an exhilaration he hadn’t felt for a long time, he felt like being reckless, impulsive, because he knew with Yeongjin risks always paid off and he was there to back him up.

“Hey, I just had an idea,” Yeongjin announced.

“Yeah?” Hanbin replied with an alert, ready-for-anything smile.

“Let’s have a party now we’re both free. A house-warming party for you, how about that??” Hanbin generally didn’t like parties they made him anxious and he always felt self-conscious and boring at them. but because he was in such a good mood, feeling so confident and carefree, and because he knew that Yeongjin loved to party, he nodded.

“Sure, why not.”

 

***

 

“Hey man! What’s up!” Tablo voice entered the cold studio Bobby was working in like a warm breeze. Bobby smiled but already knew from the tight feeling around his face that it looked fake. He stood up and hugged Tablo in return, wishing he could inject himself with the same positive energy he usually felt when seeing one of his favourite mentors…but he just couldn’t. That positive energy had been stolen from him with the news Hanbin had moved in with Yeongjin.

But Tablo clearly didn’t mind his flat energy, he simply pulled up a chair and sat down with his usual upbeat yet thoughtful demeanour. Bobby realised Tablo was probably expecting him to be a mess considering the reason why he was dropping by in the first place: he’d been called in by YG to investigate why Bobby hadn’t met his most recent album deadlines.

The last few weeks had passed like a slow burn nightmare Bobby couldn’t wake from, punctuated by moments of intense grief that were all too real. His grief he felt at seeing the person he loved take their first steps into an adult relationship with someone other than him was unrelenting.

_Hanbin’s with Yeongjin. They’re living together. They’re happy._

The surreal horror of it sat in his body like a disease. He felt the pain even when he wasn’t thinking about it, when his mind was focussing on music, song-writing, getting ready for a public appearance, greeting fans, trying to meet deadlines, rapping. The heartbreak was there even when it wasn’t, and it returned to him again and again even when it had never left. The only respite he had from the loss were the few brief moments just after waking up. For a few seconds, maybe up to thirty, even forty, he felt normal. But then he remembered. Hanbin didn’t want him anymore. He wanted Yeongjin. He was too late. Then the heartbreak hit him all over again.

It had been his birthday earlier in the week and for the first time in fifteen days he’d actually woken up at midday feeling a little better. A little better in that he felt restless and jumpy, rather than the lethargic sloth he’d thought he’d completely transformed into. He felt some kind of lust for happiness clawing its way back up through his mind, desperately trying to pull him out of his slump. After all, how long could one survive heartbreak, how long could it actually be sustained?

He had lunch with a big gathering of his family which warmed his heart and helped him forget about Hanbin for as long as ten minutes at a time. His parents having heard about Hanbin were so sweet to him it almost made him feel bad.

Then the boys had taken him out to dinner and showered him with gifts and affection. But afterwards when gone to their favourite club for a drink and dance, one of Hanbin’s songs began to play just moments after arriving. Bobby who’d been approaching the bar for a drink froze in horror. The boys scrambled to get him out of the club but they didn’t make it in time. They ended up comforting Bobby while he wept for thirty minutes in the club’s dark, concrete stairwell before Donghyuk took him home to his place. He’d spent the night in foetal position in Donghyuk’s bed, unable to unfold for fear of falling apart.

The boys were all worried about Bobby. When Bobby and Hanbin had broken up two years ago Bobby had been miserable, but not like this. Back then he’d been upset, depressed, and frustrated, but there had also been a part of him that was relieved and convinced he was doing the right thing. But now Bobby was a wreck. They could see him struggling and failing to cope with the reality that Hanbin was moving on and his regret was eating away at him.

Whereas Hanbin internalised his heartbreak to the point he refused to let anyone in, Bobby was proving to be the opposite. His heartbreak was explosive, unpredictable and full of tears. It was taking a toll on his work and the boys were worried because there was a lot at stake for Bobby with his album mid-production. When they asked him how the album was going he just shrugged but they all knew that he was doing basically nothing in the studio all day, staying out ridiculously late every night, then sleeping in till midday.

 He was supposed to have three tracks ready by now to show YG but he only had two and furthermore he was supposed to have sent lyrics in for review for another two songs…but he hadn’t. He was falling behind because he couldn’t think, he could only feel. The boys knew he was feeling the pressure from YG but they were just worried he was heading down a path of self-sabotage. Something needed to happen, it couldn’t go on like this.

Evidently YG agreed. He and the producers had noticed a slow-down in Bobby’s progress. Bobby was just relived that he’d decided to send in Tablo rather than arrange a one on one meeting. Talking to Tablo was a far more welcome option than receiving a lecture from YG.

“So…what’s up, man? You’re looking pretty down in the dumps to be honest,” Tablo smiled, his teasing words not matching his genuinely caring gaze. Bobby tried to chuckle but it got stuck in his throat and he just looked down at his hands.

“I’m going through a rough time…” He croaked eventually.  

“Well I want to hear about it because since it’s been ages and I get the feeling you have a lot to catch me up on. The last time we spoke you were worried about working with Hanbin but I’m getting the feeling things have changed. I heard about Hanbin’s new guy by the way…” Tablo’s words “Hanbin’s new guy” caught Bobby by surprise. It was horribly depressing to hear them come from someone like Tablo, someone who knew both of them so well.

_Hanbin’s new guy. New guy being Yeongjin. Yeongjin being not me. Me not being that guy._

Recovering with a sigh Bobby explained what had happened so far in a monoton voice while Tablo listened attentively. When he’d finished explaining Tablo just nodded and frowned.

“Well…that _sucks_.” Bobby couldn’t help smiling at Tablo’s blunt assessment of the situation. “What now?” Tablo asked.

 “I just can’t sleep…” Bobby responded changing the subject. He didn’t know what the hell would happen now and he didn’t want to think about it because if Tablo didn’t have a solution neither did he. But he also genuinely wanted Tablo’s thoughts on his insomnia, it was really starting to get to him. It felt like it was aging him somehow, pushing him over the edge.  

“You can’t fall asleep or you can’t stay asleep?”

“Both, but mostly the first…I just lie in bed for hours…my body is tired and so is my mind, but I just can’t sleep…like I come to the studio every morning dead-tired…it’s making it harder to work, it’s making it harder to think…I’m trying to write these fun, upbeat songs and I’m sitting here, just feeling like absolute shit…” Bobby broke off, not sure if he was going to be able to continue talking without crying. Tablo regarded him with a serious look on his face and Bobby felt embarrassed. Was Tablo worried about him too now? Maybe he was in an even worse state than he realised…

“You know what you need to do?” Tablo informed him, “you need to try not to sleep. That’s the only way to beat insomnia.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…if you can’t sleep and you can feel it, don’t lie there for hours getting frustrated and miserable, get up and do something. You only worsen it if you get anxious and upset over it. Maybe work on some of those songs YG is waiting for?” Tablo gave him a wink. Bobby groaned and hid his face in his hands.

 “Hey, man, chill,” Tablo reached over and squeezed his shoulder,  “You I don’t even need to tell you want to do because you know how to do this. Take that sadness and depression, write something out of it.”

“But this album is meant to be upbeat, fun, fresh…the only song I can write right now is some fucking heartbreak ballad…”

“Then write it.”

“Really?” Bobby was doubtful. He knew was YG was expecting from him and he was reluctant to show up with something other than what the notoriously picky guy wanted. The last thing he wanted to do was disregard YG’s opinion when he was already in trouble with him.

“Look, I say embrace it,” Tablo shrugged,  “You feel shit now, so work with that. It will produce the most honest song and that’s better than some shitty, fake-happy song.  So go for it, write one hell of a depressing song, make us weep, make yourself weep. As long as it’s sincere it will work. Transform your suffering into art, you know how to do this.”

Bobby nodded, still not hundred percent sure he was capable of the challenge Tablo had just set him. But It was easier to try for Tablo than for YG, the pay-off always seemed much better for some reason.

When Tablo left Bobby sat at the desk still unable to think clearly. Maybe he was just trying too hard? Maybe he was expecting too much of himself to come up with lyrics straight away. He decided to just jot down words, phrases, feelings, with no regard to how they were connected. He just needed to go something.

_In the mirror It’s not the me I used to know… I avoid new encounters, It’s better to cry alone…_

He found himself writing easier now that he’d taken the pressure off for everything to make sense. He got so into the writing that he lost track of time and before he knew it the producers were heading off and wishing him goodnight. He fiddled around with some melodies he’d been working on then decided to call it a night. He left the studio feeling relieved at having spoken to Tablo and having at least confronted the problem that was his writing block.

He was deep in thought when he opened the recording studio front door and walked straight into a hornet’s nest of paparazzi camped on the doorstep. Blinking wildly as the cameras flashed he tried to claw his way through the cameras and microphones to his car. Security quickly arrived to help him proceed but it didn’t stop them from hounding him with painful questions that felt like physical blows. It appeared that the media had finally collated enough evidence to justify the search for some answers to their suspicions.

_Bobby is it true you’re feuding with Jang Yeongjin??_

_What happened at the club the other week with Yeongjin Bobby??_

_Bobby can you confirm that B.I. is dating Jang Yeongjin??_

_Can you confirm B.I. and Yeongjin are now living together??_

Bobby kept his head down and ignored them, he was well used to these types of questions that aimed to provoke a response. However, he was caught off guard by a surprisingly specific question from a very shrill female reporter to his left.

_Bobby are you going to Jang Yeongjin’s party this Friday??_

Surprised by the question, he knew nothing about a party, he shook his head in confusion without thinking. Finally, in the car he collapsed a little, feeling the depression once again sweep him from head to foot. As he waited for security to sweep the paparazzi away from the driveway so he could exit he wondered how he was going to get through the evening alone, it was his daily ritual. Maybe he’d see if at least one of the boys were free, but then he remembered their schedules had them flat out for the rest of the week, they no doubt all needed early nights. He then thought about seeing Jee but he felt bad for having put her through so much drama already…and she needed an early night too.

As he drove back home he began to forsee another long miserable night of not being able to sleep till 4am in the morning and his fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter. He thought back to Tablo’s words of advice…maybe he really did need to just get up and fight it. Maybe he’d just go for a drive…what other options did he have?

 

***

 

“One hundred people??” Hanbin confirmed in disbelief.

“Yep,” Yeongjin replied from where he was perched on the kitchen bench munching cereal. “Come on, that’s _nothing_ …”

“Okay…but it’s going to be fucking insane…” Hanbin muttered nervously, he was beginning to regret saying yes to this party. He knew Yeongjin had wanted a big party but he hadn’t anticipated he’d invited _one hundred_ people. Who even knew that many people they’d want to invite into their home? But Yeongjin had been having such a good time planning the part that Hanbin was reluctant to rain on his parade. Feeling nervous about it he’d been slowly disengaging from it more and more as Yeongjin kept escalating the event. There was doing to be a DJ, endless alcohol, people were going to skate outside, and Yeongjin was convinced people would want to swim in the pool even though it was literally still freezing outside. Hanbin sat back and watched Yeongjin anxiously, reminding himself that the boys would be there and he wouldn’t be standing around awkwardly all night while Yeongjin swung from the chandeliers.

Yeongjin just chuckled at Hanbin’s muttering and before anything more could be said Hanbin received a call from his manager.

“Hanbin?”

“Hey Nam,” Hearing his managers voice made Hanbin smile affectionately. The tour in Japan had been the first time in a while they’d spent every day together. Before Yeongjin Namkyu had been more than a manager. He’d been a friend, a carer, a bodyguard, a welfare officer, Hanbin had even shown him new music and asked for his opinion. He’d looked after Hanbin unconditionally and even though he often got on Hanbin’s nerves with his pushiness there was never a doubt in Hanbin’s mind that Namkyu genuinely cared for him. He felt bad that since Yeongjin had come along Namkyu’s once prominent role in his every day life had been so radically reduced.

He still saw Nam often, at least every second day, but the duration and nature of their time spent together was different. Now they only had enough time for business, gone were the days when Nam would laze around in his studio and tease him about moving on. 

“Hey! Nam, you coming on Friday right?” Hanbin had forgotten he’d invited his manager, he would no doubt make the party better as well. But Namkyu didn’t seem to be in a very good mood, in fact he seemed rather serious.

 “Actually, I’m calling you about your little party, the head office had caught wind of your planned party and so has the rest of South Korea apparently…”

“ _What_? How?” Hanbin demanded.

“Long story but one of Yeongjin’s blabber-mouth guests happens to be friends one of our publicists.”

“What’s the problem though, we can’t have a party?” Hanbin complained.

“No you can, but you can’t have a party and not invite Bobby.” Hanbin’s stomach dropped.

“What? How do they know Bobby’s not invited??”

“As soon as the media caught wind of the party they went straight to Bobby and asked him if he was going. He clearly didn’t know anything about it and shook his head. Now we have three new sites claiming you and Bobby aren’t on good terms and it’s because Bobby and Yeongjin hate each other. So head office tried to call you just thirty minutes ago but can’t get through to you…” Hanbin remembered his phone was on silent and checked it, sure enough finding a missed call, “…and roared at me for a good fifteen minutes about how this was damaging to Bobby’s debut album publicity and how you’re risking your reputation again, that you aren’t in a position to be dating someone who has behavioural issues, not after all the cleaning up of your image the label has done for you already. I took the hit for you Hanbin.” Namkyu finished talking and waited impatiently for Hanbin to say something.

“So we have to cancel it...”

“No. You can have a party but Bobby _has_ to go. He’s being called and told the exact same thing right now by his manager.” Hanbin’s heart leapt from his chest imagining Bobby being told he had to attend their party.

“No, Nam, no fucking way!” Hanbin groaned.

“Come on, you should be well aware by now of the rumours that have been flying ever since Bobby and Yeongjin had their scuffle at the club. Then there were the photos of you moving boxes into Yeongjin’s house, and just a few days later you attened the auction of his car…people are catching on Hanbin and they’re working out something is up between Bobby and Yeongjin. So what are you going to do? Party with Bobby or no party?”

“I’ll get back to you on that on..” Hanbin muttered, exchanging a dark look with Yeongjin who’d just returned to the loungeroom from upstairs,

“Ok, see you tomorrow morning for the photoshoot. Picking you up at 10am remember. You’ll need to be ready.”

“Yep…” Hanbin replied completely distracted. His mind was now full of images of Bobby walking into the house, of him and Yeongjin once again coming face to face.

“What was that about?” Yeongjin asked, now slowly gliding around the spacious loungeroom on his skateboard. Hanbin gave Yeongjin a look that revealed his nervous anger.  

“Bobby’s got to come to the party or else it can’t go ahead. Head office says so.” Yeongjin’s eyes went wide.

“For real?” Yeongjin demanded. Hanbin nodded feeling anxious, knowing just how little Yeongjin thought of Bobby, he knew Yeongjin was going to resent him even more after he ruined their party.  But instead of getting pissed off Yeongjin tipped back his head and laughed. Hanbin stared.

“Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny. Let’s not do this, I don’t want to have the party anymore…”

“Hey, hey!” Yeongjin walked over and took him by the shoulders, “What’s this? We’re not giving up a good time because of Bobby! Let him come! I don’t give a _fuck_ , why should you?? He means nothing..”

“It’s just so fucking awkward…and I don’t want any…”

“What, drama?” Yeongjin smirked. “I wish, but don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything that will get you in trouble. I’ll be a good boy. And if Bobby’s a bad boy…don’t worry, I’ll set my security team on him to sort him out.” Yeongjin gave him a joking wink that made Hanbin sigh and think maybe he was actually was overreacting. But it didn’t dissolve his worries. He felt even more nervous about the party than ever.

If he refused to let the party go ahead it might send Yeongjin the wrong message that he still cared about Bobby. But if he went ahead and had the party then who knew what the fuck would go down…

“He means nothing to us, right babe?” Yeongjin murmured, pulling Hanbin close. Hanbin nodded, not knowing what else to say.

 

***

 

“Hey, what’s up?” Hearing Jinhwan’s soft voice on the other end of the line was a relief for Bobby. He was having another bad day. A day where nothing went right, where he couldn’t stop thinking about Hanbin, where he saw him everywhere. On the way to the studio he passed a guy wearing a fancy pair of sneakers. Hanbin had those. On a lunch break he passed a flower shop and ordered tulips for his Mum. He realised too late they were the same colour of Hanbin’s cheeks when he blushed. He bought snacks in a convenience store and stared at some random in a hoodie for a good ten seconds convinced it was Hanbin. It wasn’t.

“I wanna see you all. You free this Friday night? I need a distraction. Dinner, drinking…karaoke, I dunno anything.”

“I can’t, sorry Kimbap…”

“Urgh. Ok…I’ll try Donghyuk.”

“No, he’s busy too that night I’m afraid...” Bobby realised they were all no doubt busy because they were doing something with Hanbin. Maybe with Yeongjin too. Heartbreak jerked his heart painfully like a sudden pull on dog-chain.  It hurt so much being shut out of Hanbin’s life, to be the last person to find out anything important going on for him, the last person to see him, if at all. Yet he also couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing Hanbin in person again if it meant seeing him with Yeongjin. Bobby swallowed, trying to suppress the pain, before speaking again.

“I get it, you’re seeing Hanbin aren’t you? All of you.”

“Yeah…we are, we didn’t know whether to tell you are not.”

“Ok…have fun.”

“Look we don’t know how long we’ll be, maybe we can see you after?”

“Yeah, sure” Bobby replied flatly, knowing full well that Jinhwan just felt bad for him and that there was no way they were going to leave Hanbin aad Yeongjon in time to see him. He hung up and tried to resume work. He’d only just put his phone back in his pocket when it began to ring from a call with his manager.

“Hey, man,” Bobby sighed, already knowing it was yet another call to hurry along his song-writing.

“Hey Bobby, look, we have to talk about an event you need to go to this Friday….”

“Mmmm,” Bobby grunted, staring at his computer screen and only just listening. He was just relieved that he wasn’t being lectured and that he now had a reason to not sit alone drinking while the boys partied with Hanbin and Yeongjin. “What kind of event?”

“A party…” His manager informed him in a slow, pointed voice. Bobby felt the air rush from his lungs in horror.

 

***

 

“So why’re you here Jiwon?” Minjee asked sternly as she resumed chopping the pistachios for the Lime cake with vanilla buttercream she was preparing. Once again Bobby had dropped by unannounced but this time he'd walked in bearing several types and bottles of alcohol. He’d put them on the coffee table and was now retrieving glasses from her cupboards. “And what’s with all the alcohol?? Haven’t you learned your lesson already?? I watched you vomit for a solid twenty minutes and it was _gross_. I’m not doing it again.”

Minjee was feeling grumpy towards Jiwon tonigh, she resented the fact that he could drop over unannounced because she was always home on Friday nights. She hadn’t yet made friends with anyone at her work, at least not well enough to hang out, and her endless availability made her feel vulnerable and lame.

“I just wanted to hang out with you! Do I need an excuse?” Bobby replied defensively. He was in a hyper-sensitive, prickly, anxious mood. He was dreading leaving Minjee’s house, getting in a cab and heading to Hanbin and Yeongjins _party_ and their _house_. 

He didn’t want to see Yeongjin and Hanbin in love. He didn’t want to see Yeongjin’s house where they lived together. He didn’t want to see the boys getting along with Yeognjin. He didn’t want to see Yeognjin touching Hanbin, kissing him, making eyes at him. It made him want to punch something then cry on the floor until his lungs gave out. The whole bitter situation made him feel trapped, that special kind of suffocation that came with having to live one’s life on someone else’s terms. His manager’s words kept running through his head.

_Your image needs to be spotless, squeaky clean leading up to your solo debut. No rumours of feuds with skaters, fellow YG family members!_

But ironically those words had had less of an impact on him than those said by his manager about Hanbin.

_Hanbin has been plagued by reputation issues forever now, this is effecting him too._

It was only then that Bobby had resigned himself to his fate. He would go to a party no one wanted him to go to, including himself, if it meant protecting Hanbin. That was the reason he was going he told himself, that reason alone. If it had been his reputation alone at stake he would have said ‘fuck it’ and dealt with the consequences. Nothing could be as bad as seeing Hanbin and Yeongjin together in their new home just to keep up appearances for the media. But now that Hanbin was at risk...Bobby's heart ached thinking about him. 

“Come on! Can you stop baking for a second and hang out with me??” Bobby groaned. He was hiding his anxiety and depression behind irritability. He came around behind Minjee in the kitchen and removed the knife from her hand. The warmth of his chest against her back and the touch of his hands made her stomach cartwheel. Briefly stunned she dusted the icing sugar off her hands let him drag her over to the loungeroom.

Bobby knew there was no way he was going to survive the torture of Yeongjin and Hanbin’s party if he was sober. He was going to have to drink himself into a state of indifference, he was going to use alcohol as a kind of chemical bubble-wrap. He’d decided against going to the party with the boys because he knew they were all looking forward to it and he didn’t want to spoil their fun.

Bobby sat Minjee down on the couch then opened up a bottle of red wine. They were going to start fancy then get grungy with the vodka and Jack Daniels.

“Look…to be honest, I’ve got to go to an event tonight…and I’m really not looking forward to it. I just wanted to like, relax before going..”

“Don’t go then,” Minjee shrugged, still feeling defiant.

“Come on, Jee…!!” Bobby whined, “You know I can’t just _not go to things_. That’s not how this works!” Hearing the genuine anxiety in Bobby’s voice Minjee then felt bad. It seemed that he was actually stressed out over this event so she decided to give him a break.

“So, what’s the event? Some awkward awards show? Some long, boring-ass presentation?”

“Doesn’t matter what it is,” Bobby muttered, pouring her a tall glass. “You know what it’s like having to do stuff you don’t want to.” He reminded her ruefully. Minjee took her glass and nodded with a bitter smile.

“Remember all that stuff your parents made you do?” he chuckled. “The maths and English tutoring…”

“And physics,” Minjee added with a grimace.

“Piano, and violin…”

“No, viola…I insisted on playing the viola, they were pissed about that for ages…”

“What else?”

“Ballet…until I got fat,” Minjee joked laughingly and Bobby joined in.

“You’re not fat, you were never fat,” Bobby assured her. Minjee ignored him.

“Debating and public speaking...choir…science club…” Minjee continued to reel off the huge list of activities her parents had insisted she take up both in early high school in Korea and high school in Virginia. Bobby stared in disbelief but it also made sense. Minjee’s parents were lovely to him but he could tell that was only because he wasn’t their child. Minjee’s father was a jovial man who had a severe, bossy streak, and Minjee’s Mum was protective and determined to see her daughter grow up as a respectable young lady.

Bobby remembered how withdrawn and testy Minjee had become when she arrived in Virginia. She laughed less easily from what he’d remembered, was more hesitant to share information about herself, didn’t smile as much. He knew that she was a hard worker but he hadn’t realised till now just how little time she’d had for herself during those years.

“Why do you reckon they cared about all that stuff so much? Your parents I mean.” Bobby asked before downing nearly half his glass of wine. He honestly didn’t like the taste but he could feel the alcohol already ringing through his veins and warming his chest like the glow from a campfire. Minjee shrugged at first, but she knew the answer. She took another sip of the bitter alcohol before explaining.

“Because they felt guilty.”

“Guilty?”

“Yeah, for not being able to afford more for me, for not being able to do more for me.”

“So they got you to try and make up for it?”

“Yeah, by pushing me to become this superhuman person, I guess…if they couldn’t make life easier for me they were going to make sure I used every percentage of my own ability to make a better future for myself. So yeah, they just pushed and pushed…”

“Damn…” Bobby murmured. He couldn’t help it, it sounded horrible.

“Yeah and that’s why I’ve got this job right now…that’s why I’m an accountant. They say there are three types of people always get work: doctors, lawyers and accountants. I wasn’t smart enough for the first two apparently, so I got stuck with the third.” Minjee smiled bitterly and Bobby’s heart panged with sadness and anger for her on her behalf. He couldn’t imagine what it it would have been like if his parents had been Minjee’s. He imagined trying to tell Minjee’s stern, serious father he wanted to be a rapper…

“If you weren’t an accountant what do you think you’d be doing now?” Bobby asked. He often wondered the same thing of himself.

“I don’t know…” Minjee blushed. Bobby grinned.

“Nah, you’re lying. You’d be a famous chef! A baker!”

“Jesus, Mum and Dad would never forgive me,” Minjee cringed, covering her face with her hands at the thought.

“Why?”

“Mum and Dad want me to have the safest job possible. They don’t want any more financial mistakes. Being a baker screams ‘unstable’ to them, just a fantasy. No one earns enough money _baking_ , they’d say…”

“Yeah but you’re really good…” Bobby assured her. Minjee shrugged and took another sip of her wine. “I’m really sorry though....about everything…with your parents…” Minjee smiled at him calmly.

“I used to want to run away, far away…used to think about it all the time, but I’m good now. I’m used to it.” She downed the rest of her glass and reached for the bottle. She was getting used to it now and was enjoying the buzzing warmth of the liquor racing through her veins. Bobby watched Minjee pour herself another glass and her words replayed themselves in his mind then transformed into something more…into a melody, a refrain.

_please take me away, far away, I wanna runaway…_

Bobby suddenly beamed and Minjee looked at him questioningly.

“What? Why you smiling like that? You drunk already?”

“Nah, you just gave me an idea for a song, thanks Jee,” Bobby passed her a shot of vodka he’d just poured out.

“Oh.” Minjee didn’t know what to do with that information, but it made her happy. “Cool I guess?”

“Yeah, you’re really fucking cool. Cheers,” Bobby raised his own shot and Minjee tinkled her glass against his. They threw back their drinks and for some reason, probably their alcohol levels, when they finished coughing and wiping their watering eyes they looked at started laughing. It was a long time before they could stop.

 

***

 

The party was in full swing and the house on the hill was a hive of thumping noise and alternating dark and bright lights. Paparazzi could only get as far as three streets away because of security, and most had given up and gone home. As Hanbin expected he wasn’t exactly having the time of his life. He was waiting for the moment Bobby arrived, feeling full of live wires snaking his stomach, threatening to make him sick. He was angry with himself too that he was so nervous.

_Why does it matter? Why does it matter he will be here soon? Why do you care?_

He tried to distract himself by catching up with the boys and showing them around the house, but it was hard with the house so packed with people and they could tell he wasn’t quite himself. The boys  were both intimated and fascinated by the house and the other guests. It was the most luxurious, wild and hedonistic party they had ever been to. They were almost surprised that their managers had let them attend. Chanwoo was particularly chuffed to have been invited to such an adult event.

The room downstairs was full of loud rap music, dimmed red lights, and what felt like thousands of swarming people, some dancing, some messing around, some making out, some just talking and drinking or having a blunt. Yeongjin’s guests were quite like him in many ways. They were incredibly fashionable but they had a grungy edge to their look and manner that was evident in their excessive piercings, tattoo, skate clothing, and rough attitudes. They were also wilder than the people the boys were used to meeting at events and parties. They were louder, swore more, drank more, smoked more and cared less how they looked. It was beginning to dawn on the boys just how conservative the environments their label usually allowed them to enter really were.

At one point Jinhwan had need to go to the bathroom and had dragged Junhoe with him upstairs because he didn’t want to go alone. They had opened the door to bathroom to find three girls and two guys snorting white rows off the marble bathroom sink. The snorters weren’t the least bit embarrassed however, they waved the boys in and offered them a row each. Jinhwan and Junhoe declined politely and quickly exited the room.

Hanbin had lost sight of Yeongjin for a while but he suspected he was outside landing tricks with friends while other partygoers watched on. He’d been holding a drink in his hand for so long it was warm. He couldn’t drink it though, he needed to be cognisant when Bobby arrived. He needed to handle himself well. He looked around and saw Yunhyeong and Donghyk chatting to a skater girl, and the other four on the dance floor. They looked like they were having fun and he was relieved. He was about to head outside to find Yeongjin when the music stopped playing and the crowd from outside came charing inside bearing Yeongjin in the air like a trophy. Kicking and laughing to be free Yeongjin was having the time of his life.

Everyone at the party watched as the crowd put Yeongjin down at the bottom of the giant staircase that led to the room upstairs and began to chant something. It took Hanbin a moment to pick up on the word then he realised they were trying to make him do a grind trick down the staircase on his skateboard. Yeongjin protested still laughing, shoving back at the friends who were pushing a board into his hands and forcing him up the stairs.

Yeongjin had joked to Hanbin several times about trying to skate down their staircase railing and Hanbin had always told him he was crazy. Cruising around the huge room on the skateboard was one thing, but doing dangerous tricks inside was another thing altogether. But Hanbin watched in horror as Yeognjin finally gave in to the chanting and dares. He raced up the rest of the stairs as his friends aggressively pushed people back to clear the way and give him room to land.

“Is he really going to do it?” Donghyuk asked who had appeared by Hanbin’s side.

“Yep.” Hanbin replied shortly. He really hadn’t needed yet another thing to get all nervous about other than Bobby arriving any moment. But now it looked like Yeongjin was probably going to break his jaw trying to skate down an indoor railing with a several metre drop, land onto a hard wooden floor, and most likely do thousands of dollars damage to the hugely expensive staircase. Awesome.

The room packed with people began to break into roaring cheers and suddenly Yeongjin appeared at the top of the staircase suspended for a second in the air after building up momentum by skateboarding down the hallway that led to their bedroom. Hanbin held his breath and he heard the boys breath in sharply as Yeongjin’s board made contact with the staircase railing. With a long, disturbing screech Yeongjin’s board ground down the railing until he reached the bottom with a loud clatter of wheels. There wasn’t enough room for Yeongjin to slow down and he went crashing into a group of people who caught him with screams that were both celebratory and alarmed. As the room erupted into cheering, the music started up again, and the party resumed, the boys all at once turned around to see Hanbin looking pale and relieved.

“Jesus, does he do stuff like that often??” Junhoe asked.

“Yep.” Hanbin nodded. “Pretty much.”

 

***

 

 “Nup, sorry buddy, you can’t come in like that.” The huge, bulky security guard told Bobby.

“Like what?” Bobby demanded. He’d finally left Minjee’s house around 11:30 after they’d polished off a bottle of wine and most of the bottle of vodka. He’d taken a cab and arrived at Yeongjin’s front drive security gates at midnight. The only reason he'd made it there at all had been because of the alcohol. Thankfully now he wasn't too nervous, he was just going to go in and get it over and done with. He felt lighter, but that was probably the alcohol talking. 

“You’re drunk. You’ve had at least ten drinks, you can hardly walk straight. No trouble makers here.” The Guard replied mechanically. “Turn around now and there will be no trouble.”

“What the fuck…I was invited _here_. Yeongjin _invited_ me. Isn’t there a list or something? My names Kim Jiwon…Bobby??” The security guard turned to the second guard next to him and they exchanged a knowing glance.

“We suggest you go home, now.”

 Bobby was astounded by the irony. Yeongjin has a party and he is forced to go and watch him parade around Hanbin; he tries to attend said the godforsaken party because he had to but he isn’t even let in! Sure he was drunk but wasn’t everyone in the house absolutely smashed by now anyway??

 “ _Jesus christ…I’ve got to go in!_ ” Bobby complained. Maybe this was a sign…maybe this was a good enough excuse to turn around and go home…but there was also a part of him that refused to look like a coward. What would the boys and Hanbin think if he walked right now, after making it all the way to the security gates? Not just that but Bobby knew he had to be seen at the party to undercut the media rumours…those were his strict orders from head office.

_Be seen. Smile. Then go home._

Bobby stared at the two guards and gave them a quick look up and down. They were like two gorillas, stocky, tall and obnoxious even in their passive yet domineering stance in front of him.

Something suddenly occurred to him. Was this some kind of test Yeognjin was using? To see how desperate he was to save face? Maybe the guards had been set up to give him a hard time and he was going to have to force his way in and kick and stamp his feet. That would make sense, he could just tell that Yeongjin would be the type to get a kick out knowing he struggled to make it into a party he didn’t even want to attend.

Feeling defiant and pissed off Bobby strode forward stubbornly, determined not to let anyone, especially Yeongjin make a fool out of him. The guards snapped together just as he expected and he feinted to the right, suddenly moving past them. But the gorillas reflexes were much faster than he had anticipated. He was caught roughly by the shoulder and thrown backwards almost comically, like a cartoon character being whipped off a stage by one large hook. He fell backwards hard on the pavement with a surprised grunt. Now he was really angry. He sat up and roared at the two security guards.  

“What the fuck! You fucking idiots! I’m a guest here! Call the host and ask yourself!!!” Then before he knew what was happening they were walking towards him solemnly, one cracking his knuckles. Bobby’s stomach dropped as realised what was about to happen. One of the guards picked him up effortlessly by the collar and he felt his phone slip from his pocket and hit the sidewalk. He let out a furious line of expletives but it went unheard and a split second later he was punched in the stomach so hard he dropped to the sidewalk. He couldn’t breathe for a solid ten seconds.

The street was silent except for the sound of his painful gasps which then turned into retching. On his hands and knees he suddenly vomited up a volcano of alcohol onto the pavement. Panting he looked up in astonishment through his watering, stinging eyes at the guards who looked down at him with a psychopathic satisfaction.

“The host doesn’t allow troublemakers on his premises.” The main guard repeated with a sneer.  

Bobby was lifted up from the ground like he was nothing but a limp puppet, his feet dragging on the ground. The guards grip around his armpits was painfully tight and he realised that his punishment for “trespassing” wasn’t over, it had just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the next chapter should be coming out soon in a matter of days. Just keep checking back, it should be updated by Saturday at the latest.
> 
> (Just to explain, the reason I may start publishing two chapters at a time close together is because when I write these days my chapters start off very, very long. I cut them in half to keep chpt. length consistent and that means I have one chapter I edit quickly and update, and another one ready to go. No one really needs to know that...but oh well lol).
> 
> p.s I said I would update on the 14th and I did, however the AO3 timezoney thingy doesn't recognise the real date/time of the timezone in which I publish lol. So it says i updated the 13th, but here it IS the 14th already -____-


	15. Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apodictic
> 
> (adj.) expressing absolute certainty
> 
>  
> 
> Habromania
> 
> (n.) Delusions of happiness while touching your crush

It was midnight and Bobby still hadn’t arrived. Hanbin was beginning to wonder if he was even going to turn up and he wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not. Although Hanbin had taken pleasure in moving on and Bobby knowing all about it, he didn’t have any desire to parade his new relationship in front of Bobby. Really he just found the whole thing awkward and was wishing he’d made Yeongjin cancel it.

He also couldn’t help wondering how Bobby felt about having to attend the party (furious and resentful no doubt) and what he would make of what he saw. The party was still raging onwards but he was leaning against a wall with the now very tipsy Junhoe and Jinhwan who were trying to make themselves heard over the music. He was slipping in and out of their conversation because he was trying to spot Yeongjin in the crowded room rippling with people. He finally spotted him near the kitchen, half-obscured by surrounding people.

Yeongjin was having an animated conversation with one of his friends, waving his hands around as he talked, showing off his toothy, sexy smile. Then he noticed nothing, looked down and whipped out his buzzing phone. Seeing the number he decided to answer it and Hanbin watched as he obviously heard something he didn’t quite believe. He blocked his other ear and frowned as he strained to hear whatever was being said over the noise. Although the large dark room was only occasionally lit up by erratic neon lights Hanbin could pick out his rapid change of expression. Happy and carefree one moment, his face then grew rigid and his eyes stared straight ahead as if he was spooked by something. Hanbin had never seen him look that way he knew it had to be serious.

Yeongjin put his phone away, muttered something to his friends, and his eyes darted around the room. Hanbin knew he was looking for him and without warning Junhoe and Jinhwan he abruptly pushed off from the wall to make his way over through the throngs of dancing and rioting people. Yeongjin spotted him with a faint hint of relief in his eyes and jerked his head towards the hallway that led to the carpark. Hanbin followed him briskly.

Jinhwan and Junhoe watched Hanbin disappear with Yeongjin then turned to each other to exchange a perplexed look. Intuition was telling them something was wrong.

“Come on,” Jinhwan stood up and Junhoe followed right behind him. Spotting the two boys leaving Donghyuk got Yuhyeong and Chanwoo’s attention. They were busy trying to flirt with some a couple of attractive female groupies but seeing Donghyuk’s serious face they made their excuses and quickly followed him.

When Hanbin made it outside to the carpark Yeongjin was already far ahead jogging down the long dark driveway towards his front gate where security was based. Hanbin began to jog too feeling nervous and for some reason Bobby leapt to the front of his mind. Something had happened…something had gone wrong.

“What’s going on?” Hanbin asked as he caught up to Yeongjin.

“Security called me to let me know there’s been trouble with Bobby…” Yeongjin muttered as he slowed down to a brisk walk. Hanbin’s stomach dropped as he realised his suspicions were correct. When they turned the last corner of the long driveway and arrived at the security gates they discovered a bewildering scene. Two security guards in black uniforms stood watching on threateningly as an aggressive policeman attempted to wrestle a struggling, swearing handcuffed Bobby into the backseat.

Their mouths fell open as they noticed Bobby’s battered face at the same time. Blood was pouring from his nose and staining his t-shirt, and the whole left side of his face was swollen and red. Spotting Hanbin and Yeongjin Bobby thrust out of the policeman’s grip with a sudden burst of strength and threw himself at Yeongjin. Their chests collided and Yeongjin pushed him back in alarm.

“ _FUCK. YOU!_ ” Bobby roared into Yeongjin’s face. “YOU DID THIS DIDN’T YOU?!” Completely stunned Hanbin stepped forwards to pull Bobby away from Yeongjin but the security guards beat him to it, violently wrestling him away and slamming him against the side of the police car. Bobby grunted sharply from the impact.

“STOP!” Hanbin cried in horror, racing over and pulling uselessly at the security guard who was holding Bobby down by the back of his neck. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM? STOP!”

“And what are _you_ doing here?” Yeongjin demanded of the policeman aggressively. Just then the rest of the boys arrived at the scene. Their faces all fell at the same time as they laid eyes on Bobby handcuffed against the car with his bloodied face, Hanbin trying to pull a huge security guard off Bobby, and Yeongjin facing off a policeman. They stood frozen, unsure whether to intervene or to stay put because it looked like absolute chaos.

“Excuse me, Sir,” the policeman glared at Yeongjin sourly, annoyed at being criticised for doing for his job, “but I was _called_ to this house by your security team. This drunken individual here assaulted one of your guards and attempted to trespass upon your private property.”

“I TURNED UP AND THEY WOULDN’T LET ME IN!” Bobby interjected in protest, still crushed down against the side of the police car. “THEN YOUR FUCKING BODY GUARDS BEAT ME UP!” Yeongjin and Hanbin exchanged a stunned look before Yeongjin ran his hand through his hair in uncomfortable disbelief.

“Ok, I’m not sure what the happened here but this whole thing has been one huge fucking mistake. We’ll handle this privately, you can _go_.” But the policeman held his ground defensively and Yeongjin lost his patience.

“For fuck’s sake get the handcuffs off him and let him go!” Yeongjin shouted in anger, pointing at Bobby. Finally, the policeman strode over and undid Bobby’s handcuffs. The security guard stepped back and released Bobby. But as soon as he was free Bobby once again raced over with the speed of a cobra and grabbed Yeongjin by the collar. The boys cried out but Bobby didn’t even hear them he was so furious.

“You bastard!” Bobby hissed into Yeongjin’s face.

“What did I do!?” Yeongjin demanded furiously, fending off Bobby whilst doing his best not to cause him any further injury. 

The policeman and security guards jumped into action to separate them but Hanbin and the other boys stepped in quickly, also not wanting Bobby to be hurt any further in his angry, hysterical state. Donghyuk and Jinhwan prized Bobby’s fingers off Yeongjn’s shirt while Yunhyeong, Hanbin and Junhoe pulled him away as he continued to pant and struggle wildly.

Shocked and flustered but trying to keep cool, Yeongjin straightened up his now-torn shirt and turned to his security guards.

“Wait for me at the house,” he instructed coldly. The guards bowed and began walking up the driveway. Bobby wasn’t done though, he was absolutely sure Yeongjin had instructed his guards to beat him up. There was no doubt in his mind.

“You got them to beat me up! Admit it you asshole!” There was a long silence as the accusation seemed to mist in the air, fall down upon them slowly, then settle into everyone like raindrops.

Hanbin’s face blanched. Surely not…surely Yeongjin hadn’t set his security guards on Bobby…but the absolute, furious certainty in Bobby's face made him wonder. He remembered Yeongjin’s words from earlier in the week and felt sick.

_I’ll be a good boy. And if he’s a bad boy…don’t worry, I’ll get security to sort him out._

But Yeongjin had been joking. It was just a joke…

The boys looked at Bobby in shock then over at Yeongjin’s empty face. None of them knew what to think and none of them knew what to say. They knew Bobby hated Yeongjin and they knew that Yeongjin had provoked Bobby that day in the club. But the idea that Yeongjin had set his security team on Bobby just seemed too extreme, too crazy.

“What the _fuck_ …?” Yeongjin muttered under his breath. “You seriously think that?”

“Don’t LIE” Bobby scoffed. The implications of the accusation finally sank in and Yeongjin snapped. He didn’t touch Bobby but he stood close enough so the boys could all see the desperate anger in his eyes and in the veins standing out on his neck.  

“I DIDN’T! I DIDN’T SET MY FUCKING BODYGUARDS ON YOU! I DIDN’T DO IT!”

“Ok, ok ok…” the policeman interrupted, standing in between the two irate men.

“It’s _cool_ , we’re _cool_ ,” Yeongjin snapped without taking his eyes off Bobby. He looked at the Policeman angrily. “I said we don’t need your help anymore! You can go!”

Shrugging the policeman decided he’d had enough. These rich and famous parties were always completely over the top. Stupid, spoilt celebrities always took things way too far.

There was another deadly silence as they all waited for the police car to disappear down the road. Then Yeongjin turned to them all looking serious.

“Excuse me a moment, I need to speak to the security guards and find out what the fuck happened.” Yeognjin shot Hanbin a look that was a cross between concerned and sheepish then began marching back up the drive towards the house. He stopped just before he reached the first bend in the road and turned around.

“It’s true, I really don’t like you man,” he yelled out to Bobby, “but I didn’t fucking organise to beat you up…Jesus fucking Christ!” As soon as Yeongjin had disappeared from sight Hanbin became aware he was still clutching Bobby’s upper arm. He let go and Bobby turned to him with a stubborn glare.

 “He did it. Your _boyfriend_ told them to beat me up. You happy you’re dating a _psycho_??”

“Bobby, come on…” Donghyuk implored, desperately wanting Bobby to calm down. He didn’t want Bobby to get Hanbin all riled up now. But Hanbin was too shocked to get angry, he was feeling unsure about everything now.

 “He wouldn’t do that…” Hanbin stammered, “whatever happened was just a mistake…” Hanbin rambled on, only succeeding in sounding like he was trying to reassure himself and shaking all over. Bobby wiped his arm across his face bloodied face, collecting a stripe of clotted blood on his sleeve like a tattoo. Hanbin stared at the blood in horror.

“Look at me! They totally fucked me up and all I tried to do was walk up the fucking driveway! So what are you going to do about it?? Huh??” Bobby demanded. Hanbin looked back at him completely bewildered.

“I need to speak to him, I need to go…” He turned and made his way back to the house.

The rest of the boys were lost and shocked, they’d let go of Bobby and were now standing around in sombre silence.

“I hate him…I hate him so much,” Bobby growled, staring up at the house on the hill that continued to party on oblivious to everything that had just happened outside. They all knew he was talking about Yeongjin and the genuine hostility in his voice scared them. They’d all watched Bobby get through various diss battles with other rappers, they'd seen him spit fire at haters on SMTM, but they’d never seen him display this kind of physical hatred and anger towards someone. It seemed that Bobby’s hatred of Yeongjin was rapidly evolving into something paranoid, irrational and dangerous.

“Bobby, come on, we don’t know what happened, it sounds like it was all just a mistake…” Yunhyeong began tentatively, saying what all the boys had been thinking. None of them wanted Bobby to jump to conclusions, especially not after having just seen Yeongjin’s reaction to the accusations. Yeongjin had been as shocked as they had been. Bobby stared at Yunhyeong in disbelief.

“I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED! HE HATES ME CAN’T YOU TELL??” Bobby roared. Jinhwan hurried forward and took Bobby’s hand.

 “Come on, we’ll call a cab,” Jinhwan nodded at Junhoe, gesturing at him with eyes to make the call, “we’ll call go home together, we’ll talk it over.”

“No!” Bobby protested, snapping out of Jinhwan’s grip and backing away from them all as if he was a cornered rabbit and they were a pack of foxes. “Not till you back me up here and believe me! He did it!”

“You’re really hurt Bobby, you need to go home,” Chanwoo urged, anxious at seeing his hyung so badly battered. But Bobby just looked at each of them with accusatory, suspicious anger.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” Bobby demanded. “You don’t believe that asshole set his bodyguards on me.” The boys stared at him awkwardly, not knowing what to say. It was true they hadn’t known Yeongjin long, and it was true that Yeongjin had already had one altercation with Bobby. But even with that altercation Yeongjin hadn’t been physical, he’d only verbally attacked Bobby. The Yeongjin they knew was rather rough around the edges, and yes very mysterious…but was he violent and malicious? They hadn’t seen any evidence of that and from what Hanbin had told them neither had he.  Yeongjin was a provocateur, he was eccentric, careless and wild, but he wasn’t a thug.

“We don’t know yet what happened Bobby. Look If it turns out he did it we’ll kill him for you…but we just don’t know for sure that he did…” Jinhwan trailed off awkwardly. No one spoke up to contradict Jinhwan. Bobby nodded slowly, then fast.

“None of you believe me.” Bobby confirmed, smiling in digust, his jaw set tight. “I see how it is, you’re all obsessed with him so I should have known…” he turned and began limping down the dark street. Desperate and upset Jinhwan began to wander after him.

“Bobby, please, let us get you home-” he pleaded but Bobby didn’t stop.

“I’ll make my own way home, thanks.” Bobby’s tone was so bitter and cold that none of them had the courage to follow him. They got the feeling if they did he’d lash-out but he wouldn’t hurt any of them he’d only hurt himself. 

Shocked and guilty they watched Bobby until he disappeared around the corner at the end of the road. Jinhwan began to cry.

 

 

***

 

“Oh my God!! _Jiwon_??” Minjee stared horrified at Bobby’s swollen face covered with congealed blood and bruises. It was two in the morning and once again her apartment buzzer had woken her up.Now here he was, leaning against the side of her door looking like he was about to collapse.

“Hi Jee,” He mumbled. He had sobered up quickly as he’d stormed down from the large hilly district of Yeongjin’s mansion in the cold wind. He’d tried to walk all the way to Minjee’s house for no real reason other than to walk off his anger, but he’d given up after thirty minutes of limping. He’d flagged down a taxi and as luck would have it he got the same taxi driver who’d dropped him off at Minjee’s house before when he was crying and drunk and had lost his wallet. The whole trip the driver stared at Bobby suspiciously in the rear view mirror and he’d only let him into the cab once Bobby had proven he had his wallet and paid him in advance. Then when finally he’d arrived at Minjee’s, the irritated yet resigned driver had helped him into the lift. Bobby had tipped him generously with a “cheers, man, you’re the bestt,” and now he was at Minjee’s door. Exhausted and aching badly all over.

 “Not again!! What happened this time??” Minjee stared horrified at Bobby’s swollen face. He looked like he’d been violently mugged.

“Can I stay the night?” He asked woozily. He was feeling dizzy and weak and he really didn’t want to be alone.

“Of course! But you have to tell me what the hell happened!” Minjee stood aside as Bobby limped through her door towards her loungeroom and dropped down onto her sofa. After locking the door shut she raced over and sat on the coffee table in front of him.

“Long story,” he mumbled bitterly, looking up at her through the one eye that wasn’t swollen. Despite his exhaustion and pain Bobby was still furious and would have loved to have told Minjee about what had happened and how he knew Yeongjin had set it up. He didn’t have any empirical evidence other than the fact that the two guards seemed to have recognised his name and _then_ decided to beat him up, but that wasn’t the most important piece of evidence in his mind anyway. The real evidence was the look he had exchanged with Yeongjin that night they’d first encountered each other outside the bbq restaurant in Gangnam.

The silent, calm, warning in Yeongjin’s eyes that told Bobby to “watch out” but without revealing to him what it was he needed to watch out for. And he’d seen that look a second time that day in the club when Yeongjin had accused him of doing those terrible things to Hanbin. When he’d stood over Yeongjin, clutching him by the collar, he’d had stared up at him calmly, yet defiantly. It was an eerie look because it was the most subtle, carefully masked look of hatred anyone had ever given him. There was no doubt in his mind that Yeongjin would happily take any opportunities possible to fuck him over if he could and he'd just taken one tonight. 

“I don’t mind if it’s a long story! Please I just want to know what the hell is going on in your life right now because this is the second time you’ve arrived at my house in the middle of the night bleeding all over the place!” Minjee took his hand and held it tight.

“Jee…” Bobby sighed. He felt awful at not being transparent with her but the truth was he actually didn’t want Minjee to know the whole story. He didn’t want her to know about Hanbin and their breakup. He didn’t want her to know about Hanbin and Yeongjin getting together. He especially didn’t want Minjee to know about all the ways he’d fucked up, all the ways he’d made an ass of himself the last two months, and how he’d dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole because of his own stubbornness, denial and guilt. He was scared that if Minjee knew too much about his mistakes then he’d lose her to Yeongjin’s side the way he’d lost the boys. And if he lost Jee…no, it was too painful to think about. Some tears trickled from his closed eyes and he sniffled a little.

What a fucking awful night it had been…but there was one thing nice thing had happened, he remembered sadly. He’d seen Hanbin and when the policeman had slammed him against the car Hanbin had tried to pull him off him. Hanbin had screamed at the policeman not to hurt him. He'd held onto his arm tight to stop him running at Yeongjin. Fuck, how pathetic was he becoming? That such brief, stressful moments of seeing hanbin were still better than not seeing him at all.

_God, I miss you so much...you don't even know..._

The tears began to run down his face, clearing little paths through the blood.

“Can I…can I tell you another time? I just…really don’t want to talk about it right now…my head really hurts…my body it’s aching all over really bad..” Minjee was about to protest but seeing he was now crying she hesitated.

“Can I have some painkillers?” Bobby asked.

“Of course.” Jee sighed in defeat, knowing there was no way she was going to get the story now, especially not once he was doped up on painkillers. But she hurried off to the bathroom and retrieved her first aid kit, musing to herself how strange it was that something she had thought so useless was becoming such a recurring necessity since Jiwon came back into her life.

 

 

***

 

When Hanbin arrived back at the house Yeongjin was shouting at his security guards in the underground carpark but he stopped once he noticed Hanbin.

“Look we’re done here. You’re both dismissed, get off my property now.” The security guards handed over to Yeongjin their security passes and keys before trudging past Hanbin coldly and heading for the front gates. For a second Yeongjin looked at Hanbin and Hanbin looked back uncertainly. He needed a sign, anything, something from Yeongjin that would immediately restore his faith in him. But Yeongjin didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk about what had just happened. He came up to Hanbin and ruffled his hair.

“Come on, let’s go party,” he took Hanbin’s hand but Hanbin stayed rooted to the spot.

“What happened? Why did they do that to him?”

“It’s complicated,” Yeongjin groaned and massaged his face wearily with his hands. “Come on, can we please not let this ruin our night?? A good host never deserts his guests, so come on.”

“They bashed him up…he was bleeding…his nose…his eye…” Hanbin couldn’t get the image of Bobby’s bloody face out of his head, the way the guard threw him against the car. He was still shaking from seeing the real thing, he'd never seen real violence like that, never. Yeongjin looked at Hanbin imploringly.

“I know, it was _fucked up_ so I fired them because they really fucking  _fucked up_. What more can I do Hanbin?” Yeongjin stared at him and Hanbin didn’t know what to say. What could Yeongjin do? Feeling numb he let Yeongjin swing his arm around his shoulders and escort him back to the party, the guests were beginning to notice their absence.

 

***

 

Minjee gave Bobby some pills and water, and then got to work cleaning up his face. Despite all the gory caked-on blood, Bobby looked very young and peaceful with his eyes closed and his nostrils slightly moving as he breathed in and out wearily. She wiped away the blood from his small, neat nose, and away from his perfectly formed lips with their slight pout. She realised how incredibly close her face was to his and her heart swelled rapidly in her chest, it felt like it was expanding with tenderness. Her hands began to shake and she cursed herself internally.

She washed away the dirt and grit off his forehead and jaw. Then to inspect a cut on his temple she had to peer closer and closer, completely unaware she was holding her breath. Bobby jolted awake from the sting of the iodine she was applying, blinked rapidly and smiled at her.

“Thanks Jee, you’re the best” he sleepily, “I’m good now, really…you can go to bed...” Minjee went and got him some blankets and a pillow, returning to tuck him in.

“Can I ask just one question about what happened tonight?” Jee asked softly, sitting on the end of the couch at his feet. Bobby grunted in a way that said neither yes or no. “What happened tonight…was it related at all to the really ‘big bad mistake’ you made two years ago?”

Bobby opened his sleepy eyes just a millimetre to peer at Jee’s concerned and motherly face.

“Kinda yeah…but don’t worry, I’m getting over it, I’m going to get over it…” He seemed to say it as if convincing himself.

“Don’t worry…it takes time to heal from mistakes and regrets…” She assured him. Bobby grinned teasingly, amused by her knowing tone.

“Oh? And how many mistakes have you made Jee?? Little Miss Perfect??” She blushed and stood up to tuck the blanket in around him more tightly. He closed his eyes and Jee sat down on the armchair opposite to wait for him to sleep. He began to breathe deeper and deeper and she had only counted to fifty by the time she was certain he was fast asleep. Minjee knew she had to go to get up early tomorrow but she also knew that she was going to be tired regardless when she went to sleep now.

She curled her legs up and hugged them against her chest on the chair, watching Bobby sleep and allowing the sea of thoughts and feelings she’d been suppressing the last few weeks to swell up around her.

_The answer to your question, Jiwon, is…one. One mistake - I fell in love with you._

Honestly, it had been Jiwon’s older brother she’d had the crush on first. Being older than both of them made him instantly cooler. He had better concentration than Jiwon, did better in school, and was less irritating which was a huge plus. He’d also adjusted better to living in Virginia than Bobby had. He wasn’t popular but he was well-liked and being athletic and good at sports had helped him get by. She’d seen many of his basketball games over the years, desperately hoping at each one that he’d notice her there and smile. Not smile as in ‘oh hey there’s Jee, my family friend,’ but ‘hey, Jee, thanks for coming…!” That crush ran its course and faded away as other boys in her class caught her attention. There had been Jason with his beautiful blonde hair and tan, Alex an American-born Chinese guy who played first violin in the orchestra, and of course brainy Michael who was the president of the science club.

But then things had changed with no warning. She was fifteen and fighting almost daily with her parents. She arrived at church one day in a huff, almost in tears because her parents were convinced she’d be getting better marks if she stopped chatting with friends in Korea online so much. At Church group after the service She had deliberately avoided eye contact with the other kids as she wanted to be left alone to sulk and wallow in her teenage angst. They were supposed to be reading a passage and discussing it but being bored, and far more immune to Minjee’s moods compared to the others, Jiwon had sat down next to her completely disregarding her self-imposed isolation.

“Sup?” Bobby asked casually. Without warning Minjee thumped her fists down on the table in front of her, tears streaming down her face.

“I hate it here! And it’s because of stupid money! That’s all! Stupid pieces of paper that get to decide where I live, whether I fit in or not, how I live my life, what subjects I do at school, what I wear - everything! It’s so _unfair_!”

Instead of teasing her or being awkward the way he usually did when she was upset Jiwon had done something different that day. He’d led her outside the classroom away from the staring kids, and wiped the tears from her face with his hands.

“Let’s go pray,” he told her, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the church group room and back inside the now empty church. She followed stumbling along with her eyes wet and blurry. They had clasped their hands on the pew in front of them and bowed their heads together. It was the first genuinely solemn moment she had ever shared with Jiwon and she felt strangely calm and safe with him in a way she hadn’t ever before. In a soft, gentle voice Jiwon began to pray for both of them.

 

“Dear God,

We just wanna tell you that we’re angry all the time because we don’t want to be here and there’s nothing we can do about it. I know we’re usually meant to ask you to help us change as people, not to ask for you to change our circumstances, coz that’s what being a Christian is about –  we’re meant to believe that whatever is going on in our lives is happening for a reason, because you want it to be that way. That’s having faith in your plan for us.

But listen, we’re just kids. We can’t control much right now, and we can only do so much. So please, hear us out. Do us a favour and make us less angry. Make us fit in at school more. Make the kids at school less mean and racist. Make us notice the good days more and the bad days less. Make our parents less stressed. Make them listen to us more spend more time with us. Make them richer if you have to, whatever it takes. Make sure our family and friends back home don’t forget us and get sick while we’re away. Make sure they don’t miss us so bad it hurts them. Make us not miss them so bad it hurts us. And finally, please, please make sure this isn’t final. Make us go home one day.

Amen.”

Minjee opened her eyes and stared at Jiwon with his head still bowed, brow furrowed, hands clasped before him having a private moment with God. And suddenly she loved him, just like that. It was like a light switch flicking on, a radio beginning to play, the sun popping out over the horizon. And for months afterwards Minjee tried to fathom how such huge, powerful feelings could happen so abruptly and seemingly appear from nowhere.

Where had that feeling come from? Had it always been there but just been hiding? Surely, she’d thought, surely there was no room left over for such a huge feeling to exist with all the angst she was going through, all the crushing she’d been doing on that cute boy in her class who never looked at her, all the worrying she’d been doing about getting into law school. But it turned out that love was limitless, and it transcended such basic concerns as rationality and convenience.

It was true that she’d noticed Jiwon had been maturing for a while, particularly the last six months. He’d grown less hyper and more lazy. He didn’t seem depressed, just calmer, more settled. Though he still had his wild energy it was more contained to those moments in which he got to be musical, like playing the guitar and drums at church, or performing with some friends for fun. But it still made no sense to Minjee that suddenly someone who’d always been such an annoying cousin-like figure in her life could suddenly become so incredibly special to her in a romantic way. And what made it all the more agonising was that Bobby only saw her as a friend, a very good childhood friend. All those once commonplace and ordinary gestures of familiarity became breath-takingly, blush-inducingly, knee-knockingly painful. The way he tickled, wrestled and teased her. The way he snatched her books or chased her into the pool on a hot summers day. The way his hand brushed hers when he took the bible she passed him in church., the way he passed her food over the table at one of the family get togethers.

Suddenly she wished Bobby didn’t love her the way he did, but that he hated her. Because she’d learned from watching plenty of k-dramas that hating each other at first led to love way more often than did already being friendzoned. She held the secret close to her heart which seemed to become heavier and more painful every time she saw him, but she was determined that she wouldn’t need to confess because she had a plan and he was going to confess first. She would go to college and become a dazzling, confident, girl. She would lose her puppy fat and stop getting stubborn pimples on her chin. She’d leave university with several degrees and start her own business. She would return to Virginia and Jiwon would suddenly see her in a different light. She would be the independent super woman of his dreams.

But then things had changed in the most surreal and abrupt way. Everyone who knew Bobby knew music was his thing, his passion. He played the guitar and drums in church, he loved to sing and was very good and she knew he loved rap. She knew how he had idolised rappers from middle high school onwards, that he could memorise even the most complex lyrics after just one listen. She also knew that he even wrote his own verses and shared them with his brother and dad.

But she could never have imagined that one day her mother would return from the shops to inform her Jiwon was flying to New York that evening with his dad to attend an international YG audition. She’d run into his Mum and been told herself. Minjee stared at her mum in disbelief.

 “YG? YG as in Big Bang, 2NE1 YG??”

“Yes, that’s what I just said Minjee.”

After that it all happened very fast. Just four months later Jiwon left to begin his YG traineeship in Seoul, then he was gone. During the first two years she’d been torn between desperately wanting him to debut and desperately wanting him to return to Virginia and their normal life of school, church, family gathering, and homework. But Bobby being Bobby had made it work.

Minjee would never forget the surreal day she and her parents had sat in Bobby’s parents loungeroom in Virginia to watch the final episode of show me the money. Her usually conservative parents who had never sworn in their entire lives cheered like children as Jiwon dominated the stage with his intense, uninhibited charisma. Her heart had thudded painfully in her chest at the sight of him rapping on stage with his short dark hair, suit and tie, and perfect concentration. When Bobby won his Mum had jumped into her own mother’s arms and the two of them had then gestured for her to join. The three of them had bounced around in circles squealing as joyful tears ran down Bobby’s Mother’s face.

But then when they had all finally calmed down it hit her: Jiwon was now out of her reach forever. He’d just beaten out every top rapper in South Korea, he was well and truly famous now, there was no going back and he certainly wasn’t going to come back to Virginia to be a high schooler. He was an idol, as surreal, incredible, and amazing as it was.

For a few months it had felt like the world had ended but her anger at herself was endless. How incredibly stupid and naive she had been to wait till university to tell Jiwon she loved him. How silly and lame she’d been to think Bobby would sit around waiting for her to become beautiful, confident and interesting. Bobby was special and special people did special things and had special things happen to them. Of course he’d found a way to return to South Korea and live his dream, that’s what people like Jiwon do, they take control of their lives.

She should have taken a leaf out of his book and taken a chance. She should have told him she loved him before he disappeared into kpop land, a world of rich and beautiful and talented people, a world she would never stand a chance of entering. But she hadn’t taken a chance because she wasn’t one of those special people. She wasn’t like him and she never would be.

After Jiwon’s family returned to Korea she had fallen out of contact with him slowly, bit by bit. It hadn’t been his fault, if anything Jiwon had been the one trying to keep the line of communication open, sending her messages, asking how she was going, sending her and her parents gifts, always remembering to wish her happy brithday. It had been Minjee who’d decided to cut the tie, or at least loosen its hold on her as much as possible. Jiwon had fought it too, as much as his endlessly busy schedule would allow. He’d sent her message sometimes teasing her for not replying but she laughed them off with a ‘lol’ and the conversation would die again.

She hadn’t done it out of spite, he’d done nothing wrong. He hadn’t been cruel to her or forgotten her after becoming famous, and nor had she lost interest in his life, family, and career. It was just that it hurt too much to stay in contact with someone she loved who was rapidly becoming part of a world she could never access even in her wildest, craziest dreams. Especially when they had once been so available, such a seemingly permanent part of her life. He was no longer just hers, he belonged to millions of people who all claimed to love him the most. She’d seen the comments online, she’d seen the footage of the fans at the iKON concerts and it just proved to her even further that a future for them was impossible and always had been.

Minjee had thought her heart had healed over the last two years of minimal contact. She thought about him less and less and her heart had stopped racing whenever her parents mentioned Jiwon long ago, maybe years now. But now, watching him sleep with his bruised, swollen face Minjee felt a stab of panic. When Bobby had first appeared out of the blue a few weeks back she’d thought that she was just excited to see him again, that she was over it, still in tight control of her feelings for him. But now there was no denying it. She’d never really stopped loving him, and here he was needing her in a way she’d never been needed before.

She came to her senses feeling like she was surfacing from a free-dive to the bottom of the ocean. It was late, really late. She stood up and took once last, long look at Bobby asleep on the couch, his mouth slightly open, drooling ever so slightly onto her pillow.

“I love you, Jiwon,” She whispered before walking to her bedroom as softly as possible so as not to wake him.

 

***

 

The next morning Hanbin woke up before Yeongjin did because of two reasons. Firstly he was still jumpy from everything that had happened the previous night and secondly because Namkyu called him three times in a row, demanding he open the security gates and let him in.

When Namkyu entered the house he took one look around the huge living space littered with drinks, bottles of alcohol, left-over food, upturned furniture and general mess, and shook his head at Hanbin.

“Nam, I…”

“No. Not a word from you,” Nam held up his hand to silence him in anger. “We’ll speak once we have this place cleaned up just in case any police arrive. First we’re going to investigate and clean this house from top to bottom.” Hanbin watched as Namkyu snapped on a pair of gloves then followed him silently and sheepishly around the house as he investigated the property.

They found millions of crushed out cigarettes, left over rolled up joints, and traces of white powder on the coffee table, kitchen benchtops and bathroom sinks. Each time Namkyu would swipe a sample with his finger and study it before turning to Hanbin with a murderous look on his face.

With his face burning with shame and guilt Hanbin followed around Namkyu with a rubbish bag as he picked up the bottles and trash from around the house. They scrubbed the four bathrooms in the house, the kitchen, and the coffee tables, in grim silence. They swept the floors, then washed them with a mop, settled the furniture the right way, then scoured the garden for more trash and bottles. Hanbin rubbed away the marks left on the staircase railing from Yeongjin's skateboard.

Two hours later they returned to the living room and Hanbin braced himself for his scolding. At first Namkyu just stared at him in disappointment, and that broke Hanbin’s heart more than being shouted at. He bowed deeply.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.”

“There was cocaine in this house. COCAINE HANBIN.”

“I know, I know,” Hanbin murmured apologetically.

“You _knowing_ makes it even worse! Are you _trying_ to end your career??”

“I didn’t do anything, you know I wouldn’t touch the stuff!” Hanbin protested but Namkyu became even angrier.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU DID OR DID NOT. At this stage in your career, you just being _mentioned_ in the same sentence as ‘cocaine’ will end your career, let alone marijuana!”

“I didn’t do that either,” Hanbin added in feeling pathetic, “I didn’t even drink.”

“And what the hell happened to Bobby??!!” Namkyu gave him an incredulous look. “Please explain??” Blushing Hanbin told him the truth.

“I…I don’t know yet. Yeongjin was too busy last night to explain, he’s going to tell me today…” Namkyu narrowed his eyes and Hanbin knew he was about to say something scathing but then Yeongjin appeared at the top of the stairs looking dazed and hungover. Namkyu glared at him as he made his way down the stairs, his hand gliding over the railing he’d skated down just a few hours ago, and Hanbin wondered if he was going to scold Yeongjin too. Yeongjin didn’t say a word as he walked up to Namkyu and bowed deeply several times.

“I’m sorry, it was all my fault. Don’t be angry at him He didn’t know my friends would be doing drugs, I didn’t either.”

“Are you trying to end his career??” Namkyu cried in anger. Yeongjin dropped to the floor on his shins and bowed again, remaining there till Namkyu sighed deeply.

“It’s not just your fault, you two. I decided not to go last night at the last minute because I assumed – wrongly – that you two would understand the limits. All we can do now is just pray that no one at the party blabs and gets either of you in the news. But I need to know right now what happened with Bobby!”

Yeongjin stood up and scratched the back of his head awkwardly, shooting Hanbin a sheepish look.

“Yeah…that was fucked up, I’m really sorry about that.”

“Yes. It _was_ fucked up,” Namkyu repeated snappishly, “ _explain_.” Yeongjin began. 

“Ages ago I when I threw parties here there was this friend of a friend who always used to turn up uninvited and get hammered. I only let him walk through the front door because he was, as I said  a friend of a friend, I kinda had to let him in. And basically this guy, every time he walked through the door he’d end up harassing people, getting into fights, and breaking shit, all under the influence. So before he arrived I started briefing my security guards, I told them to keep an eye on him and rough him up if he showed any signs of causing trouble. The guy was a real loser….and so yesterday I told my security team to just keep an eye out for Bobby and well, I think they misunderstood me…I said to them, “if he causes any trouble, shows any sign of being an ass, then you know what to do.” All I meant was fucking not let him _in_ or kick him _out_ , not beat him _up_! I just didn’t think, I dunno, that they would think that…I think they were just thinking back to that loser who used to come over and break shit, and how they used to rough him up as a warning…I think they just thought I meant to do the same to Bobby…but I didn’t…it was my bad, and I’m really sorry…I’m going to apologise to him in person.”

Hanbin stared at the floor unsure what to think as he felt Namkyu’s glare burning into the side of his head like a cigarette butt. He could feel Namkyu struggling not to say more. 

“Well that better not happen again. This… _whole thing_   cannot happen again. I’m going now and Hanbin you need to be ready at 8am tomorrow sharp. It takes longer to collect you now you live here.” With that Namkyu left the house briskly.

“Damn he was angry huh?” Yeongjin smiled. Hanbin looked at him warily.

“It’s not funny. He was right. We should never have had the stupid party.”

“Come on babe, chill, it’s all cool now…” Yeongjin tried to take Hanbin’s face in his hands but he tensed up and Yeongjin’s hands hung in the air awkwardly around his face. “What? What’s wrong?” Yeongjin asked.

Hanbin didn’t know how to say it. How could he tell Yeongjin he just…wasn’t sure anymore. He was full of doubt and he was struggling to admit it, he didn’t want to admit it. He didn't want to feel this way about Yeongjin, it physically hurt to doubt his character. 

“Come on, say it Hanbin. What’s wrong. Is it the drugs, because damn it, I’ll never let those fucking morons bring coke or weed into the house again! Never! I promise!” But Hanbin wasn’t moved and Yeongjin tried to think what else was wrong. “It’s Bobby isn’t it? You’re still upset about what happened to Bobby… _fuck_ …” Yeongjin slouched away to the kitchen and reached into the fridge for his favourite orange juice and chugged down a huge gulp straight from the bottle. He slammed the bottle back into the fridge then leaned forward on the kitchen bench, looking at Hanbin darkly from under his brown

“Look, I fired the guards…they’re just fucking thick idiots…and I’m a fucking thick idiot too…I should have been clearer, but like…how dumb do they have to be to think I want to everyone who appears slightly pissed to get _bashed_??”

“I just…” Hanbin began then broke off. Yeongjin noticed Hanbin's faltering tone and wandered over to face him.

“You just what?”

“You hate Bobby…” Hanbin announced, at last revealing his doubt in his eyes. Yeongjin stared back at him as he realised what he was saying then his face fell to reveal the same stunned, panic Hanbin had seen the previous night when he’d first received the call from his security team.

“Seriously?” Yeongjin murmured, “You don’t believe me…” His face was so taken aback and hurt that Hanbin suddenly felt bad. Hanbin knew in a second that even though Yeongjin was careless and didn’t like Bobby he hadn’t deliberately set out to hurt Bobby. He’d just needed to see in Yeongjin’s face that genuine shock once again to be sure…and now he was. There was no way he could have done it, Yeongjin wasn't that guy..

“Shit…” Yeongjin said numbly,  “why though…? Is it because we had that run in at the club? Oh shit..." Yeongjin suddenly remembered something and went white. "It's because of what I said yesterday, joking about setting security on Bobby, isn't it?? Fuck...I didn't mean it Hanbin!! I don’t like Bobby and I will never like him, because I hate how he treated you. but I wouldn’t do that…I wouldn’t…I thought you knew that…I thought you knew me…” Hanbin felt really guilty now as Yeongjin took both of his arms and held him tight, looking right into his eyes in such an imploring, anxious way that it nearly broke his heart. “I didn’t do it Hanbin. I didn’t. I didn’t and I will keep saying this till the day I die. I _didn’t_ do it.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry…I’m just really confused right now…” Hanbin said in a rush. He was relieved and feeling incredibly guilty at the same time now, wondering how on earth he’d managed to let Bobby sway his trust in Yeongjin so badly. Who was he kidding...Bobby hated Yeongjin and wanted him back, of course he'd assume the worst about Yeongjin. But Yeongjin wasn't as tough and wild as he looked, Hanbin knew the soft side, the sweet romantic side. He tried to backtracka dn cover up his doubt in Yeongjin in shame, “I’m just bad at trusting people these days, I never know what to think…”

“Because of the breakup…?” Yeongjin suggested.

“Sort of…have you ever been doubted someone really important to you before…” Hanbin asked bleakly.

“Yeah, absolutely...but are you referring to Bobby now…?"

“No...I'm referring to my Dad...It’s just that…well, when I finally spoke to my Dad, after the scandal broke out the second time…I didn’t really get any answers, everything stayed unclear…I guess maybe it messed with my head more than I realised.”

“in what way…?” Yeongjin asked softly.

Then before Hanbin knew it he was talking to Yeongjin about the one thing he’d thought he never would: his dad.

 

***

 

The first time the scandal had broken out Hanbin had been denied access to his family for several weeks. And when he didn’t finally see his Dad in person they were both on strict orders not to discuss what had happened. In a way that had suited Hanbin fine, he’d been too young to cope with the idea that maybe his father had actually done something wrong. It hurt too much to think of the father he loved so much committing fraud and being a bad person. 

But the second time the scandal had broken out Hanbin had been plagued by curiosity. He needed know this time, he needed to understand all aspects of the incident, ne needed to understand why it kept coming back to haunt him and his family. It was three weeks after the incident that he and his father finally had time one on one to talk. They’d just dropped off Hanbyul at preschool and were now back in the carpark of their family home. His dad had just turned off the ignition and was getting his things together to leave the car when Hanbin suddenly said it.

“Did you do it? Commit fraud?” The words flew from his mouth without warning, without rationale. He hadn’t even realised how badly he wanted to know until he said it. It was like the words were their own entity, a living thing waiting to jump out of his mouth the moment his defenses were down. His father froze and stared at him. He reached over and stroked Hanbin’s cheek.

“You know we can’t talk about this…”

“I just want to know…because I love you, you’re my Dad and-”

“-ignorance, Hanbin.” His dad stated, interrupting him with watering eyes. “That’s what YG tells me will save your career from any more damage. And complete utter ignorance is the state I will keep you in. Regardless whether I tell you I did or I didn’t, that is information that you then have that can be used against you. Even your trying to defend my innocence would be sabotage right now.  I can’t discuss this with you, nothing at all. And I’m not sorry about it because whether I’m guilty or not doesn’t matter, what matters is that I love you and I won’t stop fighting to make sure your career is safe. I am going to do whatever I can to make sure you can keep following your passions. I won’t let this ruin you. I’m so sorry son, I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Seeing his father cry made Hanbin cry and for a while they both sat in the car weeping from the guilt of having made each other so miserable and afraid of the future. When they got out his father pulled him into a tight hug and kissed the top of his head.

Hanbin had never asked his father again, it was too painful for both of them. But not knowing about his father’s guilt or innocence remained the biggest unspoken mystery in his life. It was always there even if forgotten for long periods of time, even though he still loved his dad to bits. But that moment in the car with his dad was the moment he learned the life lesson that truth is only whatever you chose it to be one day to the next.

 

 

***

 

“Well…please, believe me, this isn’t another situation like with your Dad,” Yeongjin reassured him. They were now sitting together on the couch and Hanbin felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders by telling Yeongjin about his Dad. Even though there wasn’t much to say, he literally couldn't tell him information he himself didn't know.  He smiled at Yeongjin and shook his head, as if to say don’t worry about it. I’ve moved on. But Yeongjin was desperate for him to be certain and he got down on his knees on the floor in front of him. Looking up at him earnestly, Yeongjin implored hanbin to restore his faith in him.

“Maybe your Dad couldn’t promise anything to you because he wanted you to be safe, but I can. Look, I have a confession to make…the truth is, I have done some shit things in my life, I’ve been far from perfect. In fact there’s a lot of shit I wish I could take back, a lot of hurt I wish I could take back. I’m not happy with my past, I don’t like it, and I don’t like going back and visiting it. Because I want to move on from it, I want to be a good person…I really do. So please, believe me when I say this: didn’t set my guards on Bobby last night. I was fucking careless and didn’t think things through, because to be honest, I just try and think about Bobby as little as possible…I didn’t set out to hurt him last night. I might be an asshole in a million other ways, but this time…You can know this for sure.”

Hanbin sighed with relief. He was shaking and this time he let Yeongjin hold him. He nuzzled his tattooed neck, feeling safe and comfortable once more.

“Are you really going to apologise to Bobby in person though?” He asked.

“Yeah of course…fuck, I have to…” Yeongjin conceded guiltily. “The guy was wrecked…he looked really bad last night. Fuck…I wonder if he’ll even accept the apology though…he was so mad..”

“Please try,” Hanbin insisted. “He needs to know it was an accident.” Not quite sure why, Hanbin just couldn’t bear the idea Bobby thought Yeongjin was a thug. He couldn’t tolerate it, not one bit.

 

***

 

“Are you going to answer that?” Minjee asked as Bobby’s phone began to ring bossily for the fifth time during breakfast. Bobby grunted ‘no’ as he shovelled more French toast into his mouth. The boys had been calling him but he didn’t want to answer, he didn’t want to see them right now. He’d woken up in even worse pain than the day before. Stripping off in the bathroom to shower he’d examined his body and found more bruises than he could count. His body and face were literally black and blue. His face was still brutally swollen, and he could hardly open his left eye. There was a large gash on his left cheek that Minjee had had to cover with a tight plaster. He realised he was going to be pulling off the hoodies and oversized sunnies look for at least a week and half, if not more.

Sitting up at the table was incredibly painful and he’d already agreed with Minjee there was no point in him returning home today or going to the studio because it hurt enough just holding a fork. Minjee called in sick convinced that Bobby had concussion and needed constant supervision, but Bobby was pretty sure she just wanted to watch movies with him and feed him cake. He was willing to accept Minjee’s attention gladly, he couldn’t be alone and now he felt that was more so than ever.

He watched his phone light up again with yet another call from Donghyuk and his stomach fell with hurt but scrunched up with anger at the same time. It was all Yeongjin’s fault, he’d stolen Hanbin and now he’d stolen his friends. He was so angry he wanted to yell with rage and cry in frustration at the same time. Well, the game wasn’t over yet. As soon as he was feeling better and no longer looked like a bruised peach, he was going to do a bit of detective work. Yeongjin was shady and he was going to find out what exactly had made him that way.


	16. Getting Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aldegonic
> 
> (adj.) pertaining to both pleasure and pain
> 
>  
> 
> Indagate
> 
> (v.) to investigate, research

Hanbin and Yeongjin arrived at the skatepark later than usual because Hanbin had needed to finish editing a song. The first tour of the year was looming ahead for Hanbin and he was determined to complete his songs in progress so he could give his stages his full attention.

“Maybe I should just leave it till we get back…” Hanbin had muttered an hour earlier as he stood up from his desk, eager to get out of the studio in which he’d been stuck in all day.

“No,” Yeongjin pushed Hanbin’s shoulder back down, “Stay till it’s done. I can wait.” Hanbin sat back down grinning, he loved how bossy Yeongjin was with him about work. Yeongjin wasn’t afraid to push him and that was what he needed. It also meant a lot to him considering he knew how much Yeongjin needed and wanted his time. In two months Yeongjin was competing in the first major skating event of the year, the Tampa Pro, and his fitness and skating regime had intensified significantly. And within that regime Hanbin played an important role.

Hanbin had more than learned his lesson about interrupting Yeongjin’s ‘zone.’  He knew now to sit back and do his best to relax, a challenging feat considering the fact watching Yeongjin skate was awe-inspiring at the best of times and nerve-wracking at the worst of times. He couldn’t help it, watching Yeongjin fall over, slam into beams and scrape his limbs across the ground just wasn’t an inherently pleasant activity. He cared about Yeongjin intensely and when he saw him in pain he felt his pain too, it was an instinctive empathetic response. But that didn’t help Yeongjin, it only made Yeongjin worry about _him_ which shattered his zone and concentration. So, he was training himself to shut down his emotions when watching Yeongjin skate.

As he sat down to the side as usual with Teddy, he visualised a row of switches all labelled with emotions, and him literally turning each one of them off. Anxiety, _off_ ; fear, _off_ ; anticipation _, off_ ; impatience, _off_ ; frustration, _off_. In doing so Hanbin could then be there for Yeongjin in a way that was useful, a way that allowed him to push Yeongjin the way he needed to be pushed. While Hanbin couldn’t give Yeongjin even the slightest tip about how to land a difficult trick he was able to encourage him and remind him to challenge himself.  When Yeongjin stormed over after screwing up a trick for the millionth time and took the bottle of water Hanbin held out to him, Hanbin only needed to say two words to set Yeongjin’s concentration back on track: “try again.” Yeongjin would nod grimly, wipe down his limbs dripping with sweat and return to his abandoned skateboard, ready to give it another shot.

Hanbin knew how much Yeongjin needed his calm, patient, but determined presence. He knew Yeongjin fed off it the same way he also fed off Yeongjin’s pushy companionship in the studio. They gave each other a special kind of fuel that only one driven perfectionist could give to the another. And so he did his best to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and push through the anxiety of seeing Yeongjin get hurt

Today, however, it was easier than normal for Hanbin to relax. Not only was he relieved he’d finished the song, thanks to Yeongjin, but for the first day this week he hadn’t received a call from either Namkyu, the YG publicity team, YG himself, or any of the boys. That meant the disaster that had been the party had blown over at last.

It had been a stressful week for Yeongjin and himself, yet no one would have been able to tell looking at the skater now whirling around carelessly on his skateboard, talking and joking with his friends, hardly looking where he was going but managing to never trip over anything.

It was a metaphor, Hanbin mused, because that was how Yeongjin worked. He was risky, he didn’t play by the rules, he pushed things too far, and yet somehow, he always got away with it. Hanbin loved it and was bewildered by it at the same time. As someone who dreaded mistakes more than anything in the world, after all ‘mistakes’ had nearly cost him his career twice, Hanbin was fascinated by Yeongjin’s ability to let go of things. Mistakes, confrontations, scoldings and reprimands were nothing but fluffy, weightless, clouds to Yeongjin; he swept through them untouched and triumphant.

Hanbin strongly believed the only reason he got away with the disastrous party with as little punishment as he had was because Yeongjin had stuck by his side and taken the blame for him whenever he could. Hanbin felt a little bit guilty about Yeongjin throwing himself under the bus for him all week, but not too guilty. It seemed to Hanbin that Yeongjin could handle taking the blame because getting in trouble didn’t seem to cost him any emotional labour. Hanbin felt like he was down to a handful of spare lives, whereas Yeongjin’s spare lives were never-ending. 

Firstly, Yeongjin had let Namkyu scold him and offered his sincere apologies. The next day he’d sent a stunning gold watch to Nam’s office in the YG building, along with a card expressing apologies he’d insisted Hanbin help him write by hand. Extremely chuffed, Namkyu had sent Hanbin a selfie of himself wearing the watch looking rather pleased.

 _I’m going to scold Yeongjin more often I think,_ read his managers accompanying message.

Yeongjin had then called the boys individually to apologise to them for having witnessed such a distressing scene, and sent each of them a bunch of flowers. Yeognjin assured each of them he was going to try and make it up to Bobby as soon as possible and apologise in person.

When Hanbin had received a call from YG, no doubt to make him feel even guiltier than he already did, Yeongjin insisted on intervening. Seeing YG’s caller ID light up his phone screen Hanbin had lay down on the couch in the loungeroom to brace himself.

“Hanbin?” The sound of YG’s nasally, disapproving voice made Hanbin cringe. As YG launched into a lecture Yeongjin sat down next to Hanbin on the couch and held out his hand for the phone. Here Hanbin decided to put his foot down. There was no way he was going to let his boyfriend speak to YG himself, it was unthinkable, but Yeongjin clearly didn’t agree. He jumped on top of Hanbin to wrestle the phone from his hand, determined to speak to YG directly. Hanbin attempted to fend off Yeongjin as silently as possible whilst still listening to YG. They scuffled in a comic silence, both mouthing words angrily at each other, but Yeongjin was too strong.

 “Hello? Mr Yang?” Yeongjin panted slightly, having just successfully won the struggle for the phone. “Good afternoon this is Jang Yeongjin and I am solely responsible for the disgraceful party that took place last Friday….” Amused and stunned Hanbin watched as his boyfriend, who was still pinning him down on the couch, began talking to his boss as if he was the man’s polite eldest son.

“Yes, that’s correct Sir, he didn’t want the party, but I did. Yes, I know, please accept my sincere apologies. No, I didn’t know my friends would be bringing cocaine…Do I use? I used to, not anymore, not for several years…yes, I know, that’s why I made sure the media couldn’t access the entire street. I’m also very glad there are no photos…Bobby? Yes, I fired my entire security team. It was a horrific mistake, I feel terrible about it…and yes his phone was found by Donghyuk and apparently it’s been returned to him…ok. Thank you, Sir. I am very sorry, it won’t happen again.” Yeongjin hung up and smiled down flawlessly at Hanbin.

“Seems like a nice guy. He should come to the next party.”

“No fucking way,” Hanbin shoved Yeongjin in outrage but Yeongjin laughed and kissed his shoulder in a way that made him melt instantly. He just loved the feeling of Yeongjin’s weight on top of him and he couldn’t help feeling impressed by Yeongjin’s ability to butter everyone up, including the formidable YG. However, there was one person left for Yeongjin to butter up…Bobby. That made Hanbin really nervous.

Hanbin still found it hard to believe what had happened to Bobby and he was certain he was never going to forget the sight of Bobby’s bloody face. The image of Bobby bellowing into Yeongjin’s stunned face replayed again and again in his mind, and Hanbin knew that if Bobby hadn’t liked Yeongjin before, he now definitely hated him. He also knew that Bobby was going to be his true authentic self about it, he wasn’t going to hide it one bit. Because of this he was nervous about them meeting again even to make up. What if something happened between them again, another fight or something? It made his stomach twist nervously.

Nonetheless Hanbin did still urgently want them to meet. He needed Bobby to understand that Yeongjin hadn’t intentionally caused him any harm, that they both felt terrible about it and were sorry it happened. But he also found Bobby’s desire to assume the worst about Yeongjin completely hypocritical and refused to let him get away with it.

_You think Yeongjin’s a bad guy? Jesus, Jiwon. You think you’re perfect…??_

True to his word Yeongjin had asked Hanbin for Bobby’s number to organise a time to meet and talk. He’d left it for a few days after the party just to let everyone cool down. He’d also already bought Bobby an apology gift to present to him in person and sent a huge bunch of flowers to his manager to pass on to him.

It seemed to Hanbin that ever since he’d expressed his doubt to Yeongjin about his innocence Yeongjin had softened his approach to Bobby considerably. Before the incident Hanbin had felt Yeongjin’s resentment towards Bobby without him needing to say anything, it was like a constant sinister, hum surrounding him. But now it seemed Yeongjin was trying to take a rapid step away from those feelings of resentment. He now seemed to just want Bobby and himself to reach a state of peaceful, mutual indifference. Not friends, not enemies. Still Hanbin knew it was only because of the obvious embarrassment Yeongjin felt at having accidentally caused Bobby such grievous harm as opposed to suddenly having a genuine change of heart.

“Who knows, maybe once we clear the air we’ll even be able to be in the same room together…” Yeongjin shrugged, half-jokingly, half-sincerely.

“That will never happen…” Hanbin had told him bluntly, once again bewildered by Yeongjin’s ability to effortlessly let go of genuine tensions and horrified by the idea of Bobby and Yeongjin becoming ‘pals’ as unlikely as that was. “ But look…I’ll contact him for you…I just don’t want him saying anything stupid to you…”

As Hanbin messaged Bobby his stomach flipped in anticipation, he wasn’t expecting a positive response.

_Hey, Yeongjin is really sorry about what happened and I am too. We both hope you are ok. He wants to apologise to you in person for what happened, when are you free?_

Hanbin had waited all day anxiously for Bobby’s reply and it more than anti-climactic. It was infuriating. 

_Not free_

Hanbin didn’t know how it was possible two little words could make him so angry but they did. Bobby gave no explanation for not being free, proposed no alternative time, gave them no indication he was physically ok, made no attempt to try and smooth things over. What angered Hanbin the most was that Bobby had no interest in finding out how the mistake happened, he determined to hate Yeongjin and that was that.

_Hypocrite. You’re a hypocrite Jiwon._

Hanbin was also embarrassed that he’d expressed genuine concern towards Bobby only to have it chucked back in his face so dismissively. Over dinner he’d fumingly informed Yeongjin that the apology to Bobby wasn’t going to happen.

“Why’s he being such an asshole about this…it was an accident! He’s so stubborn!” Hanbin ranted, poking around his bowl of noodles aggressively. But then he laid eyes on the small porcelain tub of red chilli sauce and he remembered Bobby’s bleeding face. His appetite nose-dived. 

“There you go again…” Yeongjin said calmly.

“Go again what?” Hanbin demanded shortly.

“Caring what Bobby thinks…caring what he does…caring what he says…” Hanbin felt his cheeks turn warm and guilt well up in his stomach. Yeongjin looked at him knowingly. “You can’t control what he does…so why worry about it?”

“I’m sorry…” Hanbin whined, “I just hate that he takes the moral high-ground over you…”

“Don’t worry, he’s still angry, I get it. I’d be fucking pissed too. I’ll try again soon.” Yeongjin reassured. “I need him to know I didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t care if he’s jealous of me because I’ve got you, I also don’t care if he thinks I’m a prick. But I do care if he thinks I would deliberately hurt someone like that, that’s fucked up.” Yeongin sighed then shrugged and smiled at Hanbin. “Anyway, let’s not talk about him anymore. Let’s talk about something else, like the song you’re working on. Did you finish it today like you said you would?”

 

***

 

Hanbin and Yeongjin stared at the palatial black marble bathtub, filled formidably to the brim with icy water. Glistening frozen cubes floated on the surface like mini glaciers. 

“Are you seriously going to get in there?” Hanbin smiled in disbelief.

“I gotta.” Yeongjin replied, stripping down to his boxers. Hanbin flipped the lid of the toilet down so he could use it as a seat. Yeongjin stood next to the tub and rubbed his hands together briskly, trying to muster up the nerve to hop in. As he did so Hanbin surveyed Yeongjin’s bruised and battered body, and noted the way Yeongjin was trying to avoid putting too much weight on his left leg.  He set up a timer on the edge of the bathroom counter for ten minutes, then hovered his sore leg over the icy water.

Hanbin grimaced, knowing any second Yeongjin was going to start cursing. Yeongjin’s foot entered the water and he let out a battle cry, quickly jumping with his whole body in one go. The bathwater rocked causing some to flow over the edge. Hanbin watched as a little stream flooded  its way over the tiled floor to his foot. When it reached his toe he jumped. It was horrendously cold, so much colder than he imagined.

“SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.” Yeongjin hissed.

“So why do you do this again?” Hanbin asked in horror, watching Yeongjin’s teeth chatter. But Yeongjin stared at him mutely.

“I can’t feel my balls…” Hanbin couldn’t help laughing as the normally swag Yeongjin looked at him in horror, paralysed with cold.

“Maybe if you talk and distract yourself the time will pass faster.” Yeongjin nodded quickly, trying to focus back on Hanbin.

“Repair muscles. Reduce swelling.”

“Ah. I see. Is this how you prepare for comps?” Yeongjin nodded again furiously.

“Yup. It reduces healing time, means I can return to training quicker. Fuck, I hate it though. Can you do me a favour? Grab that cup, pour some water over my shoulders, I can’t do it myself, too cold.”

“Alright, if you’re sure…” Hanbin took the glass from the benchtop and scooped it full of ice. He held it over Yeongjin hesitantly.

“Just do it.” Hanbin tipped it over and Yeongjin hissed as the ice rushed over his tattooed neck, shoulders and chest. Hanbin watched as goosebumps erupted over his skin, making the tattoos look textured and bumpy instead of smooth and supple.

“So, other than ice baths, are there any other pre-comp rituals I should know about?” Hanbin asked as he scooped another glass of water and poured it over Yeongjin’s broad, defined shoulders.

“Yeah. Actually. Jesus, _enough_!” Hanbin cracked up as Yeongjin snatched the glass from his hand before he could tip the third one over him. “Ok…any second now…” the timer went off and Yeongjin leapt up sending cold water flying. Hanbin held out a large, fluffy towel and Yeongjin stepped into it gratefully, his teeth chattering violently, his untattooed skin a strange eerie white.  “Come on, come warm me up.”

Hanbin followed Yeongjin back into their bedroom and watched him dry himself as fast as possible. Content he was no longer dripping wet Yeongjin took off his wet boxers and for a second he stood completely naked in the room. Hanbin stared dopily, taking in the incredible sight of Yeongjin’s physique. Turning around Yeongjin caught him and smirked.

“Calm down, I’m too sore to fuck tonight,” Yeongjin pulled on a pair of trackpants and flopped down on the bed rigidly, as if his body was entering a state of rigor mortis. “Come here though,” he smiled at Hanbin, beckoning him over with his hands. Hanbin lay down next to Yeongjin on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. He traced his fingers over Yeongjin’s chest, trying to differentiate between bruises and tattoos. Yeongjin watched him through half-shut eyes.

“So yeah, what else do you need to do, you were saying…” Hanbin prompted the sleepy Yeongjin.

 “Each year before competition season begins, I get a new tattoo.”

“Cool, for good luck?” Hanbin smiled, "When you get it can I come?”

“Ah...sorta for good luck…as for can you come…?” Yeongjin hesitated and looked at Hanbin as if unsure about something. He then changed his mind and smiled. “Actually, you know what…come, it will be good for you. You’re getting good at seeing me in pain, this will speed up that process for sure.”

“What do you mean?” Asked Hanbin.

“Well, this tattoo isn’t just for good luck and it’s not your ordinary tattoo…it’s more of a ritual…” Seeing Hanbin’s frown Yeongjin chuckled and pet Hanbin’s cheek. “Don’t worry…just wait and you’ll see. The appointment’s in two days time, you’ll find out then.”

From the moment Hanbin walked into the tattoo parlour that was hidden away down a dodgy looking alleyway, he knew that yeongjin was right, this wasn’t going to be any normal tattoo apoointment. Instead of a comfortable seat like most parlours, there was just a flat bench with straps that Hanbin realised were used to tie down wrists and ankles. Hanbin gave Yeongjin an alarmed look but Yeongjin was already greeting the most evil looking tattoo artist Hanbin had ever seen. The guy wasn’t Korean, he was Italian from what Hanbin could tell from his accent, and he had an insane amount of piercings and a huge bushy beard. His head was bald and shiny. 

Hanbin wondered how the hell they were going to communicate with this artist when he spoke Italian and they spoke Korean, but then to his bewilderment Yeongjin started to speak English with a remarkably clear accent. Barely able to follow the conversation Hanbin stared at Yeongjin as he spoke in english with the same confident nonchalance as he spoke Korean. 

_Well that’s another thing I didn’t know about you….you speak English?!_

Yeongjin and the artist sorted out the proceedings and Yeongjin removed his shirt while the artist disappeared to prepare.

“You speak English.” Hanbin stated in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Yeongjin nodded as if it had been obvious the whole time.

“How.” Hanbin demanded flatly. He couldn’t help it, he felt annoyed Yeongjin hadn’t told him. The fact he spoke English was ridiculously cool and Hanbin couldn’t help feeling left out. “Why don’t you tell me this stuff about you?”

“Never comes up….?” Yeongjin chuckled. “Now listen, I need you to be super chill during this ok? Because shit’s doing to get a bit fucked up, this is about testing my limits, about pushing my pain threshold as far as it can go.” Yeongjin spoke quickly, trying to fill in Hanbin before the artist returned to get started.

“Why, is the tattoo going to be really huge or something...?” Hanbin asked, realising Yeongjin was implying the tattoo was going to be very painful.

“Sort of yeah…but basically I’m going to sweat like a pig and swear like a motherfucker, but I need you to keep calm and chill or else you’re just going to make me feel worse ok??”

“What are you getting done??” Hanbin demanded, now regretting his decision to go along with Yeongjin’s mysterious and ominous tattoo plan.

“Just…you’ll see,” Yeongjin replied as the artist returned. Feeling nervous Hanbin sat down in another chair to watch and take in his surroundings. The walls were covered with terrifying images of abstract skulls, people screaming, angry phrases and shapes, everything in black and white. He didn’t like the situation one bit but he was here now and he couldn't bail on Yeongjin. Hanbin watched at the artist strapped Yeongjin belly-down onto the bench, and hovered his tattoo gun over Yeongjin’s lower back where there was untattooed skin. Yeongjin’s eyes stared straight ahead grimly and without warning the artist began his work.

Bewildered, Hanbin watched as the guy began to scribble violently on Yeongjin’s flesh. He wasn’t creating an image, a shape, anything. He was literally just tattooing on what would end up being a massive patch of black scribble, so dense, no skin was left untouched. Yeongjin’s bit his lip and his hips bucked, but with his limbs strapped down there wasn’t anything he could do. 

Hanbin watched in horror at the tattoo artist mercilessly went over and over Yeongjin’s skin, turning the skin black and red at the same time. Beads of sweat broke out over Yeongjin’s whole body and his face turned deathly pale. He was in immense pain and Hanbin could see him breathing through it but struggling. His hands clenched, turning his knuckles white, and he let out an agonising groan followed by a series of expletives.

The tattoo artist muttered something to Yeongjin who nodded back with face almost disfigured by pain. The gun began to whir faster and the artists began to scribble harder. Yeongjin jolted in pain and let out a guttural cry. Hanbin felt faint, he didn’t know why. It wasn’t happening to him but there was something so unbearable about seeing Yeongjin in so much pain right before his eyes. The fact he knew Yeongjin had chosen this didn’t make it any more bearable. Unable to look away he watched and grimaced as the brutal needle etched ink into Yeongjin’s skin relentlessly and violently, wondering just how much pain Yeongjin would be willing to take. 

 

***

 

The tattoo took a total of three hours. Three hours of agonising pain for Yeongjin, and three hours of agonising vicarious pain for Hanbin. When it was over Yeongjin was shaking all over and drenched in sweat. He hadn’t been able to stand for another half an hour, the intense pain had left him as weak as a baby. The terrifying tattoo artist then dressed the tattoo and finally, they were able to leave.

They left the shop in silence, Hanbin in shock, Yeongjin barely able to walk. They had almost left the side street when suddenly Hanbin’s stomach churned and he stopped to retch. He didn’t vomit but his stomach retched again.  He leaned against the dirty brick wall of the alleyway while the world threatened to flip upside down on top of him.

“Jesus….Hanbin, what the fuck?” Yeongjin muttered weakly, too entrenched in his own pain to offer him any sympathy.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this…I’m sorry…” Hanbin murmured, wiping the back of his hand across his own sweating brow. Yeongjin chuckled, wanting to laugh at the absurdity of it all then stopped abruptly as it hurt his lower back too much. “but how long will this take for to heal?” Hanbin asked eager to direct attention away from his own babyish nausea. He was wondering now how the hell Yeongjin expected to return to training with a huge healing tattoo on his lower back.

“Don’t worry, I’m taking the next few days off.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you idiot. I’ve decided to come on tour with you.” Yeongjin grinned. Hanbim beamed.

“Really??”

“Yes, but can we keep moving?? I really fucking need to get home and have another icebath.”

 

***

 

“So has anyone heard from him?” Jinhwan asked the group grimly. The boys shook their heads. They were taking a break from rehearsing a vocal line stage they were performing soon at a festival to discuss Bobby.

They had all called him at least twice a day since Hanbin and Yeongjin’s disastrous party just over a week ago. But he hadn’t picked up, nor had he replied to their texts. After Bobby had stormed off they’d ordered some cabs and left as well, the party was well and truly over. As their cabs had driven down the road they’d looked out for Bobby limping down the street, hoping to still be able to persuade him to hop in, but he had disappeared.

Bobby’s anger towards them was heartbreaking and guilt inducing for all of them, but Donghyuk was taking it particularly badly. Just days before the party he and Bobby had finished recording the song Bobby had asked him to feature on, and they’d spent many hours joking, laughing, and creating music together,all  important distractions for Bobby. They’d also spent hours talking about how Bobby was feeling, with Donghyuk trying to coach him through his heartbreak. It was hard for Donghyuk to accept that Bobby he didn’t want to speak to him after those days in which he’d been Bobby’s main support, it hurt like mad. He left a long message on Bobby’s voicemail.

_Hey Kimbap, how are you? I know you’re really upset with us and want some time alone, but we’re really worried about you. I can’t stop worrying about you…like, did you get home ok after the party? Did you need to go to hospital or to see a doctor? Are you ok now? Like your nose was bleeding really badly, it wasn’t broken was it?? And the bruises…have they gone now? It must have hurt like hell…So yeah, please just send me back a text at least, and let me know you’re physically ok…but it would be even better if you called me, or one of us, so we could catch up and talk about what happened.  We love you kimbap, we do…and we’re sorry we hurt you. Love ya!_

But he didn’t get a reply and that was when he got really worried.

“I think we need to go see him in person.” Donghyuk suggested to the boys earnestly. “Like, this can’t go on. He’s a total wreck at the moment, I’m legitimately worried about his safety…”

“As in you think he’d hurt…” Yunhyeong added slowly.

“Himself?” Chanwoo murmured, looking like a stunned koala with his wide brown eyes.

“I don’t know, I don’t know…” Donghyuk rubbed his face miserably, his heart hurt at the idea of Bobby feeling so betrayed by them all. “I just know he hasn’t been sleeping or eating properly since Hanbin moved in with Yeongjin, and I know his headspace is really dark right now, the darkest I’ve ever seen him. And he needs us…”

“But he has no idea how crazy he sounds, accusing Yeongjin of ordering him to get beat up…” Jinhwan said sadly. The boys all nodded solemnly and Donghyuk had to agree. To him, Bobby’s paranoid delusions about Yeongjin were a product of his heartbreak and physical neglect combined. The guy was in the middle of a breakdown and that was just all the more reason to make up with him as soon as possible.

“Like, Yeongjin just wouldn’t do that…” Yunhyeong continued on, “and if Hanbin doesn’t think he did it, then I think we should trust him on that. After all, Hanbin knows Yeongjin better than any of us...”

“He trusts Yeongjin well enough to _live_ with him after two months…that’s got to say something about the guys character, Hanbin feels safe with him.” Donghyuk mused.

“I just can’t imagine Hanbin being with someone who does shit like that anyway…” Junhoe added, as much as it pained him to defend Yeongjin. “Hanbin wouldn’t put up with it...if Yeongjin _had_ done it, Hanbin would have given him an earful…”

They couldn’t help agreeing with Junhoe’s point. The Hanbin they knew was a total dorky sweetheart but when he was also a sharp-tongued, headstrong guy with a short fuse. He wasn’t the type to sit quietly by a partner’s side while they behaved badly, he was used to pulling people into line, it was his job. Even though Yeongjin oozed strength and confidence they still couldn’t imagine Hanbin letting him off the hook over something so serious. 

“He would have broken up with him…” Jinhwan confirmed. “Hanbin wouldn’t date a thug.”

It was too hard to imagine Hanbin putting up with someone’s bad behaviour, particularly if there was a risk it would reflect badly on iKON. It didn’t fit with their understanding of who their assertive, perfectionistic, protective leader was. So, the only conclusion was that Bobby was losing touch with reality…

“We’ll keep trying. We’ve all just got to show him we’re here for him when he’s ready to make up…”

“When he’s forgiven us, you mean,” Donghyuk murmured sadly, staring at the last message he sent Bobby, certain that it hadn’t even been read.

 

 

***

 

When Bobby had first started at school in Fairfax, a real American High school likes the ones in films with gyms and cafeterias, he’d had his first taste of being bullied. Growing up in Seoul as a kid he’d been lucky enough to never experience bully and having a devoted older brother had further protected him from any trouble. But in Fairfax the introduction to bullying had began almost on the first day.

Brad Vance was his bullies’s name, a white, wealthy jock who was lined up to one day become captain of the football team. He was loved by the girls and good looking in a bland blonde hair, tanned skin and green eyes kinda way. Brad Vance also happened to be a racist.

At first Brad hadn’t sought out Bobby specifically to torment him, if anything Bobby had just been one of many kids Brad had taken a stab at whenever he was bored enough. And Brad had plenty of people to dislike. Brad hated the Asian kids, he hated ‘gingers’ and he hated nerds.

Whenever Bobby happened to be nearby Brad, unfortunately several shared classes forced them to be together, the guy just couldn’t resist picking on Bobby to make people laugh.

_Konichiwa! Hey, I said hello, why’d you ignore me? Isn’t that your language? Wait, you’re not Japanese? Well, fuck. How am I supposed to tell??_

Bobby had taken comfort in the fact the not many people laughed at Brad’s lame, racist jokes, sometimes they even told him to shut up. But it had irritated him because Brad was like a large annoying bee in every class they shared, always swooping in his face and buzzing at him incesstantly trying to provoke a reaction. And this was part of the problem. Bobby suspected it wasn’t his Korean heritage alone that aggravated Brad, it was also his refusal to give Brad the reaction he wanted.

_So why you called Bobby? What the fuck, you know who Bob Marley is?? How…I thought you only listened to Chinese music. You’re not Chinese? Korean? Yeah, same thing. Ok, well sing me some Bob Marley, prove you actually know him and you’re not pretending. Go on, don’t be shy, sing it now in front of all of us because you like white-people music so much. You Asian guys all try and be cool like you know rap and reggae, but I bet you don’t even understand the words._

The pestering happened on and off for several month’s but honestly, Brad’s words didn’t shake Bobby up too much. There was something so basic and pathetic about Brad, his complete lack of awareness of how uncool it was to be racist, how old it was to make fun of Asians, how small-minded and hung-up on other’s opinions he appeared, how stupid he came across. Many of Bobby’s classmates agreed but unfortunately only behind Brad’s back. The thing that Bobby disliked most about Brad was his need to try make everyone else as uncomfortable with diversity as he was.

Time and time again Bobby did what he could to avoid Brad and when that wasn’t possible he either ignored him or he shut him down with a peaceful comment in which he refused to enter into conflict. Internally though Bobby was chanting a mantra to get him through the moment without resorting to violence.

_You’re a dumb racist moron. You’re a dumb racist moron._

But one day, Brad pushed him too far and not even his mantra could hold him back.

_Why you looking so sad Wanna-be Marley? What was that? Your grandma’s sick? Aw that sucks, are you going to cry? Hey, is she like one of those typical Asian grandmas? Smells weird, talks weird, eats weird shit. Because like whenever I see those little Asian grandmas, I swear to God they look so fucking weird I just wanna fuckin knock their canes away and see them go flying ov-_

Brad didn’t get to finish his rant about Asian grandmas because Bobby had shoved his chest hard enough to send him flying backwards, falling over his own chair, and straight onto his ass on the floor. The class had roared with laughter as Brad had glared up at Bobby in shock. Next minute they were clutching each other’s shirts about to fight but their teacher stormed in just in time and broke them up.

Sitting in the principal’s office with Brad being lectured wasn’t fun but Bobby considered the ordeal worth it just to prove to Brad that his stupid, hateful stereotypes were wrong.

No, he didn’t know martial arts and of freaking course he could throw a punch as good as any white kid. No he wasn’t submissive and weak just because he looked different. Yes he did understand English even though he still had an accent. And yes, as a matter of fact, he was a fan of Marley and he knew the guy hadn’t become famous for making fucking “white-people music.” Fuck.

_Brad Vance, you picked the wrong Asian._

His Dad had been called into the school to speak to the principal and take him home. When Bobby saw his Dad’s serious face as he entered the office his heart retreated guiltily into his stomach. He hated disappointing his dad because the guy was so laid back about everything, so when that face came out Bobby knew he’d really let him down. Never once in his life had he seen his Dad raise his voice at anyone, not even when they deserved it, and now his Dad probably couldn’t believe he’d brought a son into the world who managed to get into fights. What had made the whole incident worse was the fact he’d needed to do a fair amount of translating for his father. He repeated the Principal’s depiction of his crime to his own father feeling ashamed as understanding registered in his Dad’s surprised eyes.

His Dad shook his head and nodded in agreement with the principal that his behaviour had been completely wrong. His father apologised to the principal and as they walked to the car in silence his father avoided looking at him. Bobby’s eyes stung with tears and all the satisfaction of having pushed over stupid, racist Brad was gone in an instant. When they got into the car his Dad finally turned to him and gave him a long hard look, as if trying to find something on Bobby’s face that would explain to him how and where he’d gone so wrong as a parent.

“Did that boy really insult your grandmother?” His father asked. Bobby nodded. “Did you really push him over onto the floor?” Bobby nodded again. A twinkle appeared in his father’s eyes and relief swept Bobby up like a warm blanket. His father chuckled and gave the back of his head an proud pat.

“I won’t tell Mum this time, next time I will. Want to get ice cream? Grandsons who love their grandmothers deserve ice cream.”

At the time if someone had asked Bobby if he hated Brad Vance he would have confirmed he did without a moment’s hesitation. Absolutely, for sure, he _hated_ Brad Vance. But now Yeongjin had come into his life, Bobby was revaluating his definition of “hate.”

Bobby didn’t consider himself an aggressive person, in fact he avoided violence for as long as possible. However, he didn’t take things lying down either, especially not when someone questioned his integrity or threatened the safety of his loved ones. And as far as he was concerned, now that Yeongjin had successfully made him look paranoid in front of his friends and ex, and was a dangerous and cunning enough person to do so, he felt that those two criteria had been more than met.

Brad was an ignorant bully but Yeongjin…Bobby was convinced the guy was as manipulative and clever as the devil himself.

Bobby’s body still ached from the beating he’d received over a week ago and his face remained faintly swollen and discoloured; his heart was still broken with its jagged edges cutting him up inside; now he couldn’t even confide in the boys; and Hanbin was still set against him –it was all thanks to Yeongjin.

There weren’t adequate words to describe the hatred Bobby felt towards the skaterboarder, he just had series of feelings towards him that were as loud, abrasive and impossible to ignore as cymbals clashing in his ears. Yeongjin brought out an aggression, disdain and vitriol in him that he hadn’t even known existed. He was discovering a whole new, dark-side to himself and indulging it was strangely addictive.  When his manager had brought around a huge bunch of flowers, informing him they were from Yeongjin, Bobby had tossed them straight into the bin.

_I hate him, I actually hate him…everything about him…_

It was that pure, unadulterated hate that had convinced Bobby he had enough to time to put aside album for at least one day and investigate Yeongjin. Seated at his computer in his apartment, Bobby was in the middle of a several-hour long stalking session. He was once again scrolling methodically through the search results for JANG YEONGJIN, RUMOURS, SCANDAL, BREAKUP, GIRLFRIEND, BOYFRIEND, PARTNER. He clicked on anything Yeongjin related he that came up, no matter how irrelevant it looked: articles, interviews, videos and marketing campaigns, radio interviews, a skateboarding podcast, and countless photoshoots.

He soaked up the information feverishly, completely oblivious to the fact that to an outsider his behaviour could only be likened to that of a saesang. But he felt no guilt, no shame and, no hesitation about prying into Yeongjin’s life.  He already had no doubt the guy had skeletons in the closet, he was just trying to find those skeletons in order to protect the people he cared about most: the boys and Hanbin. There was also a gleeful aspect to his obsessive research, a vengeful shadow to the whole thing. The truth was he just couldn’t fucking wait till the moment he presented the evidence to the boys and Hanbin, and said “See! See I told you!! The guy’s a creep!!!”

It had taken hours of checking multiple sites to cross-check dates, but he’d finally finished a timeline of Yeongjin’s career and he found it surprisingly interesting. Yeongjin had been a virtual nobody until five years ago when he took part in a small skateboarding competition in Seoul. To Bobby’s frustration there was nothing about Yeongjin available online any earlier…Yeongjin must have had some kind of aversion to social media…at least until he started becoming famous.

The competition Yeongjin won had been hosted by a then recently opened skateboard shop in Gangnam called _Timber_. Bobby recognised the store and its sign, in fact he was pretty sure he’d walked past it once or twice. Outside the shop was a ledge that functioned as a step into the shop, but it had been turned into a place to compete and try and land the best grind tricks in “The Timber Ledge Challenge.” Every year the competition was held over three days with fifteen prizes to give away to the 15 best tricks over three days of competition. That year Yeongjin, an unknown street skater from Seoul, had won ten of the fifteen prizes, earning a small reputation for himself. 

Yeongjin’s next success came at the end of that same year. He won an Instagram competition called “Trick of the year” which was judged by Street League Skateboarding, the most prestigious international skateboarding association. Yeongjin posted a clip of himself performing his trick on his newly created Instagram account, tagged the league, and by the end of the year his trick had been chosen out of thousands of entries. He won ten thousand dollars US but most importantly he won thousands of new fans, including professional skateboarders.

Throughout the next year Yeongjin’s popularity steadily increased with his participation for the first time in international competitions in the U.S., Japan and Europe. He quickly became known as a ‘newcomer to watch’ in the international street skating scene, but remained relatively unknown in his own country where the skateboarding scene was small.

Yeongjin’s next big skateboarding success came the following year when he was invited to Battle at the Berrics, a competition held at the Berrics skatepark in Los Angeles. That year he was invited along with several other ‘amateur’ skaters to go up against a team of famous pro-skaters in a game of S.K.A.T.E. Yeongjin was apparently the dark horse of that year’s competition and came second, impressing the pros.

The next year he had another consistently successful competition season and was complimented by several professional skaters who called his style ‘daring,’ and ‘lethal.’ At the Tampa Pro competition that year he was named best skater, winning the “gold ticket” which guaranteed him a spot in the super crown, the season grand final in which he came third. Being the first Korean to achieve this level of success he became the face of Korean skate culture.

He was then featured in a well-known Tattoo Magazine in Korea, appearing in the same edition Jay Park starred on the front cover. With that new exposure he finally began to draw wider fan-base in Korea. His striking appearance, eccentricity and excessive tattoos caught the eyes several brands who recognised his potential as marketing gold. By the end of the year he was the face of Element, Vans, and Red Bull in South Korea.

The following year he returned to the Super Crown and came second. And by that point Yeongjin had become a professional-skater and one of the wealthiest and most sponsored athletes in South Korea of all time.

But despite the thoroughness of his investigations Bobby still hadn’t found anything substantially questionable about Yeongjin and his reputation, and it was frustrating him like crazy. All interviews and articles on Yeongjin focussed on three main topics: skateboarding, working out, and tattoos. No one, literally no one, asked him about his personal life or his past. The only dating rumours Bobby had come across were those involving Hanbin, and he skipped over those articles as if reading them would burn out his eyeballs. It seemed that while Yeongjin had plenty of fans, he was admired more as a style icon and an athlete than as an idol…maybe his fanbase was just too chill and cool to care what he looked like as a kid and who he was dating…? Still, Bobby found it weird and exasperating. 

Bobby frowned at the screen, trying to work out how the hell he was going to get dirt on the guy when his online presence was only five years old. He realised darkly that if he wanted to get to know the “real” Jang Yeongjin he’d probably need to speak to some of his friends…and that wasn’t going to happen in a million years.

Aching from sitting in the same spot for so long, Bobby stood up and went to the bathroom. In the bright spacious room he checked his face in the mirror, turning it side to side to examine all angles. That was one thing no one warned you about when it came to fighting, Bobby mused, how much it genuinely hurt. In movies and boxing, Bobby’s only contact with violence, punches and hits were thrown around so casually one forgot just how intense each and every blow actually was. When Yeongjin’s security hoon had delivered the first punch to his left cheek Bobby had been stunned by the agony of it. It felt like his cheekbone had splintered in his face and the shock of it reverberated throughout his whole body, turning him into a pool of jelly.  

His parents had been asking him to come over for dinner, they hadn’t seen him for a while and were worried. But he’d been making excuse after excuse. He didn’t want them to see him like this and worry about him even more than they already were. He felt a pang of loneliness and his thoughts wandered to the boys.

But the loneliness turned into anger and hurt faster than he could say “fuck off Yeongjin.” He still couldn’t believe they doubted him, the boys, his best friends, the guys he’d lived with for five years. He remembered the pitying, nervous sadness in their eyes, and rage sparked and erupted into a bonfire in his chest. They thought  _he_ was out of his mind?? That _he_ was losing the plot?? Fuck no, he was the only sane one left!! Everyone had fallen under Devil-jin's spell!!!

Bobby suddenly had an idea. Sure, Yeongjin had friends and there was no way he was going to be able to talk to them, but what about ex-friends…? or enemies…?surely Yeongjin had someone he was once close to but wasn’t anymore…surely…

He raced back to the computer and broadened his search to include results for “fights,” “friends,” “breakup,” “betrayals”…but nothing. How was it possible that such a confrontational person had such a meek and mild online history??

Discouraged and weary Bobby found himself browsing absent-mindedly through the oldest photos of Yeongjin he could find. They were from five years ago, there were literally no photos of Yeongjin before that time. The photos were pretty boring and didn’t provide Bobby with any insight into Yeongjin’s character. The only difference was that five years ago Yeongjin wore shabby clothes, had longer hair, and had less tattoos. He still struck Bobby as conceited and fake.

But as Bobby clicked through them he began to notice a recurring face other than Yeongjin’s. The guy stood out to Bobby because of his distinctive hipster moustache and love of snapbacks, he was also evidently a fair bit older than Yeongjin. There he was in a pic skating with Yeongjin. There he was in another photo taken in what appeared to be a skateboard shop...oh, it was the _Timber_ store. Another one in _Timber_ again. Another one of him and Yeongjin drinking with a large group of people. Him and Yeongjin back in the shop with another guy looking at skateboards…

Suddenly curious Bobby followed one of the images of Yeongjin and the hipster back to its original webpage. He came across a small interview between a Korean start-up blog and someone called Ahn Chunghoon...Bobby realised it was an interview with the Hipster, Chunghoon was his name.The main topic of the interview was to do with personal branding but Bobby found plenty of useful details in it about Chunghoon. He was apparently a tattoo and skating fanatic, and at one point in time he was the manager of _Timber_. Bobby did a quick check and yep, he was manager of the store at the time Yeongjin won the Timber ledge challenge. Surely Chunghoon must have been one of the judges….maybe he and Yeongjin became friends after that competition?

Bobby started a new search for Ahn Chunghoon and now that he had a name things fell into place excitingly fast. It turned out Chunghoon had managed _Timber_ for two years, been asked by Yeongjin to become his manager and managed Yeongjin for three years…but now it appeared the guy was a freelance graphic designer…so at some stage he stopped being Yeongjin’s manager…why? Bobby wanted to know, hoping there was a juicy reason, something he could use as a weapon. 

Bobby decided to double check with another search for “Jang Yeongjin’s manager” and he found the exact information he was looking for. Ahn Chunghoon had been Yeongjin’s manager for three years, from 2016 to 2019, and from 2019 to now Yeongjn was being managed by some short, fat guy called ‘Teddy.’

Bobby checked the opening and closing hours of the Timber store– he still had an hour and a half till it closed thankfully –he grabbed his wallet and raced out the door. He needed to find out whether Chunghoon and Yeongjin were still friendly or even in contact, and hopefully someone at the store  would be able to tell him. Surely they’d remember someone who worked at their store for four years..he crossed his fingers. 

 

***

 

The timber store looked exactly the way it appeared online. And there was the famous ledge where Yeongjin had earned a nice little reputation for himself. It was also potentially where Yeongjin met his Ahn Chunghoon who became his manager.

Bobby wandered into the store casually, knowing full well that he was likely to be recognised. But being recognised was actually part of his plan, he just hoped using it to his advantage was going to work as well as he imagined it would. He took a deep breath and got into the same mode he used for freestyle and diss battles.

The shop was thankfully quiet and there was only one assistant behind the counter. He was a young guy, only about twenty and to Bobby's delight he struck him as a bit of a stoner. He looked up from his computer at the sound of Bobby’s feet and he stared at him for a second longer than was polite, obviously trying to remember where he recognised Bobby’s face. Playing it cool Bobby wandered up to the counter and gave the guy a slightly shy yet charming smile.

“Hey, um...I just need a bit of advice about something…I wanna buy a nice skateboard for a friend, but I’ve got no idea which one to get him…” the assistant stared at him with wide eyes and nodded. Bobby could tell already the guy was going to be easy to talk to. He was star-struck already and was probably going to ramble nervously. Bobby thanked his lucky stars but didn’t let his guard down. He needed the kid to know who he was but not to know too much about the idol industry. He didn’t want word getting around that he was visiting skateshops, that would be weird.  

“Yeah, sure, but ah, you’re Bobby right, the rapper??” The assistant asked hesitantly. Bobby nodded and smiled. The assistant nodded enthusiastically. “ _Cool_. I love your music.”

“Thanks, man.” Bobby chuckled humbly. The assistant remembered himself and quickly walked out from behind the counter to show Bobby around. He guided Bobby to the main wall which was completely covered with hanging skateboards. He pointed out the different price ranges and brands while Bobby nodded politely, pretending to take it all in. He paused and pretended to investigate a few for a while, aware that the assistant was staring at him in awe.

“I’ll take that that one,” Bobby pointed to a random skateboard as thoughtfully as possible. They returned to the counter and just as Bobby hoped he was given a way in without even having to ask any awkward questions.

“We’d like to offer you a discount,” the assistant grinned, obviously embarrassed yet thrilled to have had the luck of meeting someone famous. Bobby shook his head.

“Nah man, don’t worry about the discount. Famous people come in here all the time, if you do that you’ll never make any money.” The assistant chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah actually, you’re kind of right. We’ve had quite a few famous names through these doors over the years…” the assistant began rattling off names while Bobby listened casually whilst flipping through a catalogue on the counter. “G-Dragon, Amber, Mark Tuan…you know heard of them all right?” Bobby held back a smile. The guy clearly had no idea about labels and had absolutely no idea how small and insular the idol community was. The guy obviously wasn't that up to date with pop culture and that suited Bobby just fine. 

“And actual professional skaters of course,” Bobby joked.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” The assistant chuckled, “Kim Joonyoung, Jason Choi, Yuto Horigome, Jang Yeongjin…”

“I know nothing about skateboarding, to be honest. I only recognise the name Jang Yeongjin,” Bobby joked as charmingly and innocently as possible, he was doing his best to play dumb. The assistant grinned appreciatively.

“yeah, The Reaper. You a fan?” He asked. Bobby shrugged.

“Nah, as I said he’s just the only name in skateboarding I know...” Bobby smiled. The assistant nodded and Bobby blessed his innocent soul for standing around talking to him. “But I’ve heard he’s pretty good…”

“Yeah…the guys in peak form right now, he basically single-handedly revolutionised skating in South Korea. This was a land for amateur skaters, good amateur skaters mind you, but he’s the first  to go pro and he put South Korea out there internationally. Also, the guy does the most fucking beautiful switch frontside 360s, I swear to god…” the assistant seemed to become lost in a kind of reverie and Bobby couldn’t help feeling cynical.

_If only you knew what The Reaper was like in real life… real c-_

“I see…so he comes shops here often then?” Bobby clarified as casually as he good, highly aware that his prodding for information could start sounding weird any moment. Thankfully the assistant didn’t seem to find his question odd.

“Nah, not anymore. He hasn’t for a _long_ time…it’s actually a bit of a funny story though…” the assistant continued with a secretive smile on his face. Bobby stopped flipping through shirts on the clothes rack behind him and raised his brows in mild interest at the assistant.

_Do go on…_

“Yeah, well the ex-manager of this store, believe it or not, but he was actually Yeongjin’s manager for a while.” Bobby nodded feigning polite interest.

“Oh, cool. But not anymore.”

“Yeah, well apparently something happened between them – I shouldn’t really be saying this – but apparently they had an epic falling out, Chunghoon quit and came back to manage the store. So yeah, after that Yeongjin stopped coming around.”

“Damn, what’d they fight over?” Bobby asked, immediately regretting his curiosity. The assistant laughed goofily.

“Well – once again you didn’t hear this from me – it was to do with this this tattoo artist Yeongjin was dating, Violet Kim. She was originally Chunghoon’s friend, Yeognjin met her through him.”

“That’s why they fell out? Because Yeongjin dated his friend?” Bobby asked.

“None of us we know what happened but it was something to do with Yeongjin and Violet, their relationship.”

“Right.” Bobby felt chilled all over but didn’t know why. He thought he’d feel happy discovering Yeongjin’s past relationship but instead he felt cold and apprehensive. It was like for a moment he was Hanbin finding out about Yeongjin’s past relationship, not himself.  

“You like the celebrity gossip huh?” The assistant chuckled. Bobby panicked internally. He needed to play down his curiosity. He leaned forward on the counter and smiled at the assistant as if about to share an amusing secret with him.

“Look man, you’d be surprised. In my industry _no one_ gossips. We’re all too scared about accidentally shitting on each other’s reputations. So when I step out into the real world…that’s when I finally get to find out what happened last summer!” The assistant laughed at his reply and Bobby felt a rush of relief. He’d got what he needed: a new lead and some back story. It was time to go before he shot himself in the foot. “Thanks for the help.”

“Wait, before you go could I get your autograph??”

“Yeah, for sure. And here's a tip for your excellent customer service bro.”

 

 

***

 

 

When Bobby returned to his apartment he was on a high from the success of having successfully launched "Mission Destroy Yeong-Jerk." He knew he was getting ahead of himself but he’d been so miserable of late he couldn’t help but let his hopes run wild. On the back of an empty pizza box he wrote down his next steps.

  1. Find out what the Chunghoon and Yeongjin fight involved
  2. Talk to Chunghoon
  3. research Violet Kim
  4. Find out where she is now and get her details
  5. talk to her



 

Bobby was ecstatic because if anything, finding out Yeongjin had an ex was even better news than discovering he had an ex-manager…he had no doubt she had plenty of dirt on Yeongjin and he couldn't wait to hear it….

Curious again Bobby returned to his computer and searched “Yeongjin dating rumours” for the one hundredth time, accidentally pressing enter before he could add “Violet Kim.” The first result that popped up was unfamiliar, and Bobby realised it was brand new, posted only an hour ago. The headline grabbed his heart in a chokehold and refused to let it go. Before he could stop himself he clicked on the link and read the article in one manic rush.

 

**B.I. AND JANG YEONG JIN DATING RUMOURS CONFIRMED**

 

_B.I. and Jang Yeongjin dating rumours have been swirling ever since the rapper was first seen with the pro-skater at Boramae skatepark a month ago (see pics here). The rumours intensified when B.I. listed his Mapo-gu townhouse for sale (see listing here), attended Yeongjin’s Charity Auction (see pics here), and was then spotted carrying boxes into Yeongjin’s glamorous home all in the space of a week (see pics here and while you’re at it check out Yeongjin’s insane crib here). Netizens have been convinced that B.I. is now living with the skater._

_The rest of iKON have been tight-lipped about the situation but interestingly YG has yet to come out with a statement denying the relationship, unusual for the label which is historically quick to shut down dating rumours involving their artists._

_However, it appears that today we at last have confirmation about the relationship and it’s from Yeongjin himself! B.I. arrived at Gimhae airport two days ago for two evening performances at BEXCO, and Yeongjin arrived with him. Fans were quick to spot Yeongjin in the audience both nights (see pics of Yeongjin fanboying with a B.I. lightstick here)._

_And if that already wasn’t enough to suggest Yeongjin was accompanying his man on tour, he was seen again at Gimhae this morning and when asked if he was a fan of B.I. he smiled broadly and replied that he was “his number one fan.” Yeongjin then headed to a terminal destined for Daegu, the location of B.I.’s next tour stop. B.I. flew out to Daegu a few hours later._

_Well, all we have to say is congrats B.I. on finally breaking the forever-single-spell and scoring yourself such a hot first boyfriend!! Here are some pics of the two in their prime..._

 

All the fight and satisfaction at having begun researching Yeongjin was kicked out of Bobby in an instant. Something inside him caved inwards, his whole chest turned concave. There was no room for his lungs to inflate and he stood staring at the computer screen trying to remember how to breathe. As the felt the pain in his chest soar upwards he realised he needed to be with someone immediately or else he was going to end up in the nearest bar drinking himself silly and getting into a fight. Because the simple fact of the matter was that he would rather be beside himself with anger and physical pain than feel the way he was emotional pain he’d plunged into right now.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket and frantically typed in a text as the pain intensified.

_Jee, I’m coming over._

***

 

“Hey, it’s only 9pm, this is the earliest you’ve ever come round,” Minjee chattered cheerfully as she opened the door. She laid eyes on Bobby leaning his forehead against the hallway door, his forehead furrowed, his shoulder slumped and realised he wasn’t good again. He looked completely deflated, like a soggy newspaper left out in the rain for a week. “Jiwon? You ok?” She touched his shoulder and he rotated his head to give her an apologetic grimace.

“No…not really…” he rasped. 

“Come on, come inside. You look like you need cake,” Minjee took one of his limp cold hands and pulled him inside. He followed her meekly and let her sit him down on the couch while she retrieved the cake she’d baked just that afternoon.

She placed it proudly on the coffee table in front of him. It was a salted caramel apple snickers cake, a round comforting looking cake covered in three layers of shiny luscious icing, caramel, chocolate and vanilla, which dripped down the sides of the cake seductively. Three small, adorable red apples covered in shiny caramel lacquer sat on top of the cake in the centre.

“Woah…it’s beautiful…c’mon, I can’t eat that…it’s art.” Bobby stared at it wide eyed. Minjee smiled happily and hovered her knife expertly over the cake.

“Of course you can eat it stupid, you’re my taste-tester!” She handed a generous slice to Bobby on a delicate pink china plate and couldn’t help smiling at how funny Jiwon looked holding such a twee item in his cool ripped jeans and jacket. Minjee cut herself a slice and sat down next to him. She sliced a mouthful with her fork, making sure to capture both the cake itself and the icing, before holding it towards Bobby.

“Cheers,” she smiled.

“Cheers,” Bobby replied smiling too as they tapped their cake-laden forks together. They sat quietly for a moment, enjoying the different flavours of the cake, apple, caramel, chocolate, and appreciating the the scrumptious spongy, moist texture. Bobby mhmmm-ed in content, still looking flat, but eating with gusto. Seeing Bobby enjoy her cooking made Minjee glow inside. Her cheeks flushed and before he could notice it she decided to distract him.

“So, what’s got you down today? Are you still dwelling on this “big bad mistake” you made? I thought you said you were getting over it,” she teased. There was a pause as Bobby decided how to answer her question. He stared down at the slice of cake on his plate, trying to find the words.

When he and Hanbin had been together only a handful of people had known: the boys, their closest family members, their managers, and YG. It hadn’t been easy pretending to _not_ be madly in love, in fact at times it had been a big source of conflict in their relationship. At different times they’d both found it frustrating, exhausting and depressing to constantly check their behaviour around each other in public, and sometimes they’d both let the skinship in public go a little too far and they'd ahd to reign themselves in. One of the ways they’d coped with their secret relationship was to reassure each other privately that one day they would be able to be open about their relationship and their truest fans who really cared about their happiness would support them.

Although Hanbin had always been the clingy one in the relationship he had strangely enough coped better with their secret relationship better than Bobby a lot of the time. Bobby had the tendency to get down about it easily because he hated being inauthentic with his feelings, it just grated on his soul somehow. But he’d also been easily swept up by Hanbin and his charms when in public, often letting his skinship and protectiveness towards Hanbin slip out, resulting in him suddenly freaking out he’d gone too far. Then he’d withdraw from Hanbin in public for a while and Hanbin would get upset with him. It was a never-ending cycle but one they understood was a necessity until finally, when their careers were settled, they’d be able to be open about it.

But never, ever, ever, had Bobby imagined that Hanbin’s first public relationship would be with someone else and not him. Hanbin the famous-forever-single-man had never been caught in a dating rumour in his life. And now, here it was. This was the first time he’d been seen to have a romantic relationship and it was with _Yeongjin_. For the fans, for the public, for the industry, heck, for all of South Korea and the rest of the world, the assumption would be from this day onwards that Yeongjin was Hanbin’s first romantic partner, that he was his first love.

Bobby knew that the five years he was with Hanbin could never be undone, but he couldn’t help it, seeing Yeongjin celebrated as Hanbin’s first relationship was indescribably painful, it made him feel hollow and worthless. It was like Yeongjin was erasing him from the history of Hanbin’s life. It was like Yeongjin was re-writing _Bobby’s_ own life. He felt a stab of anger at the injustice of it all, how unfair it was to be unacknowledged and to see a creep like Yeongjin enjoying the title of Hanbin’s first boyfriend. He opened his mouth to begin ranting to Minjee but when he went to speak he couldn’t…the words that sounded angry in his head suddenly became too sad and hopeless to speak.  

_But he was mine first…_

_I loved him first…_

_...it happened, we happened…_

Minjee didn’t mind Jiwon was taking his time to answer her question, she was busy deciding whether the cake had too much snickers and not enough apple. Deciding the snicker to apple ratio was in fact fine, she turned to Jiwon to press for an answer only to find him slumped forwards in a state of silent, shoulder-shaking tears.

“Oh no…” She put her plate down, took Bobby’s plate of half-eaten cake from his hands too and began to stroke the back of his head. Overcome with grief Bobby leant his head against Minjee, his shaking body collapsed against her. He needed to be held because he was breaking apart again, he needed her to hold him together because God knows, he couldn’t do that for himself right now. Weeping defeatedly as his chest heaved with pain, he wondered when exactly would this heartbreak be over? How many times could a person shatter and re-shatter their heart until it just gave up and stopped working?

_It hurts so much…and it just keeps on hurting…it goes on and on…What if wanting him back never goes away? What if loving him never ends…?_

Minjee held him against her chest and kissed the top of his head, trying her hardest to send him her love via osmosis. If only he knew how much she loved him. She was sure that if he felt it in its warm, glowing entirety for even just a second it would stop his tears in their tracks. But he didn’t know her real feelings and she didn’t know what the ‘big mistake’ was that he’d made two years ago…

As she stroked his head, warm and heavy against her body a reality-check hit her like a whack from a baseball bat. There was no doubt about it, Minjee was absolutely certain Jiwon was heartbroken and that meant he’d recently been in love with someone…and that someone clearly wasn’t her. For a second she wondered with self-hatred what the fuck she was doing holding him like this when his heart was still aching for someone else. Was she _trying_ to ruin herself?? Sure, she was his friend and he needed her, but her feelings were spiralling out of control and she knew that she was driving full speed towards a cliff’s edge.

These feelings were unforgiving and cruel, and the more they were denied the more they intensified. She wanted to raise his slumped head and kiss the tears from his face, smooth the frown lines away from his forehead with her hands, bring his head to her shoulder and hold his body against hers. But Jiwon shouldn’t be in her arms at all right now, he should be far away where he couldn’t hurt her.

Another part of her though, the stubborn, hungry part, clung to Jiwon the same way she literally clung to him right now on her couch. She knew she was being reckless, she knew she was playing Russian roulette with her heart, she knew what her friends would say, what the girls at work would say, what she would usually tell herself: stop right now and push him away, you’re only hurting yourself.

But no, against her own better judgment and despite her hatred of doing things wrong, making mistakes and taking risks, she wasn’t going to listen to those voices of reason, not this time.

Why? Because for as long as she could remember her feelings had never been her own, they had belonged to other people: Her parents, her teachers, her tutors, her bosses. And those people had always told her what she should feel, when and why. She had been told to stop crying when she was homesick in Virginia, to deal with loneliness at a new school, to withstand the pressure of being an overachiever, to cope with the stress of a degree she hated, to bear the boredom of a job she loathed. Her feelings had been decided for her and her feelings deep down had gone unvoiced. But now she was going to be true to herself for the first time ever and feel what she wanted. And right now all she wanted to feel was love.

When Bobby stopped crying he began to apologise but Minjee gently told him to shut up.

“You probably need to go to bed soon though…hey?” Bobby mumbled, looking at her with red, puffy eyes.

“Yeah I do…” Minjee looked at her watch. “Are you going to be ok going home now?” As Bobby’s face turned anxious Minjee realised he hadn’t planned on leaving. “…or do you want to stay the night?” Bobby nodded gratefully.

“Please…I don’t want to be alone, I can’t be alone…”

“It’s ok…don’t worry…one sec, I’ll get into my pj’s then I’ll set you up on the couch.”

However, it was only 30 minutes after they’d both settled down to sleep that Minjee heard Bobby’s tears resume from the loungeroom. She hopped out of bed but Bobby beat her to it and was already at her door before she could go to him.

“Jee…I don’t want to be alone out there…” Bobby wept feeling like a scared child. But Instead of the dark, it was being alone with his broken heart that he feared. Heartbreak kept him awake and that gave it more time to torture him. “I can’t be alone…can I sleep with you?”

“Come on then.” A minute later Bobby was next to her in bed, still fully dressed except for his shoes. There was a decent gap between them but Minjee was able to easily reach out and stroke his hair. It felt like one of the many sleepover they'd had as kids, one of the many afternoon naps their mothers had forced them to tak as toddlers. It was familiar and comforting to both of them. 

“Can you talk to me about something?” Bobby asked, “Like, anything…I don’t want to think right now..”

“Ah, ok…?”

“Tell me about your job.”

“Oh wow, ok, not much to say there, it’s boring as hell.”

“Good. That’s perfect.”

“Ok, well…”

As Minjee summarised her role in the office Bobby listened carefully and felt himself calm down. His sadness and longing disappeared and soon enough exhaustion took over. It became harder and harder to concentrate on the bureaucratic details of Minjee’s role at work, and soon he tumbled into sleep as if falling down a flight of stairs.

In the darkness of her bedroom Minjee could pick out Jiwon’s face, less than half a metre away, resting on her spare pillow now fast asleep.

_Yeah…I don’t blame you Jiwon, I find my job that boring too…_

Stroking his hair once more super softly so as not to wake him, her heart jumped wildly with joy and tenderness. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could imagine he was here because he was her boyfriend, that they’d wake in the morning and eat waffles together before she went to work…that this wasn’t for the first time he’d shared her bed and it wasn’t going to be the last…he was going to stay over whenever and as often as he could…he was hers. 

She didn’t even have to try hard, the fantasy was effortless, as warm, light and comforting as a gentle summer breeze. The voice of reason flared up, telling her she was making a terrible mistake but she silenced it quickly. She’d already made her decision and now she’d tasted heaven there was no way she was going to turn back.


	17. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anhedonia: 
> 
> (n.) The loss of interest and enjoyment in all activities you once liked: the feeling of not caring anymore.
> 
>  
> 
> Numinous
> 
> (adj.) Describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted - the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.

Hanbin stared from his hotel window out across the late morning skyline of Tokyo. He had a show on that evening and his parents and sister were about to drop by any moment to see him and meet Yeongjin. They’d been looking for an excuse to go on holiday to Tokyo, and now that they’d learned he was in a relationship, lining it up with his two night tour stop had been the perfect opportunity.

Having Yeongjin on tour was a completely new experience and overall Hanbin was loving it. Looking back Hanbin realised how lonely he’d been the first solo tour he’d completed. How had he beared it at all? He remembered those bleak, long nights when after the shows he’d return to whatever hotel room it was and lie in bed for hours feeling like an ant lost in the jungle, wondering where Bobby was and what he was doing, wondering if he was thinking about him too.

Yeongjin had gone from never having seen Hanbin perform live to attending every performance on the tour so far. There was something hugely thrilling about striding onto stage and knowing that Yeongjin was there in the crowds watching. It gave him a different kind of energy, there was something sexual about it. There was an electric current between them whenever one of them was performing and the other was watching, a jumpy, manic, ecstatic bond that linked them together. He knew Yeongjin felt it when he watched him skate, and he felt it knowing that while he was on stage jumping around, dancing, being an idiot, ad performing his album, Yeongjin was sitting in the stands reciting every word and smirking along.

It felt good finally getting to show Yeongjin B.I., because up until now Yeongjin had mainly been dealing with Hanbin. It was the first time in a long time that he’d had someone who belonged to just him there watching and supporting him as he did what he did best. And he could sense how impressed Yeongjin was with B.I. from the way he pounced on him as soon as they made it to his private dressing room and shut the door behind them. Then his hands clawing his bare chest, his mouth crushing his, his thigh grinding hard between his legs. Those make-out session had been wild and they only escalated once they got back to their hotel.

It seemed to Hanbin that being on tour together was taking their relationship to new heights because they were doing so many cool new things as a couple. There was the sight-seeing, the company they provided each other at the airport and on the planes, the delicious new food, meals and drinks they shared, the shopping trips, nights they spent out at the best clubs of whatever city it was they happened to be in, the downtime they shared in waiting rooms, dressing rooms, hotel foyers. Yeongjin made the boring parts of touring more than bearable, he made them fun and exciting. He enabled Hanbin to rediscover elements of touring that he had long ago gotten used to and grown weary of.

Hanbin was also impressed by Yeongjin’s self-discipline. He went to the gym wherever they were, skated whenever possible, did work outs in the hotel rooms. He hadn’t slipped into holiday mode simply because they were always on the move together, he was totally devoted to getting into peak physical condition and nailing his hardest new tricks by March.

But no matter how exhausted, sore and weary he was, Yeongjin insisted on attending every concert and waiting for him after the show so they could go back to the hotel together.

“Someone’s gotta make sure the fans don’t eat you alive,” Yeongjin had laughed when Hanbin had first urged him to stop waiting for him. And it was true, Yeongjin was fiercely protective of Hanbin physically whenever they were out and about, making sure he always stood between Hanbin and the cameras and fans, barking orders at the security guards when it appeared to him they weren’t doing a good enough job, double-checking before the left their hotels that their security team was large enough to hold off even the worst fan-attacks.

There had only been one hiccup so far in the tour, and it had happened just over a week ago at the start of the tour. Yeongjin had said something suggestive at the airport in Busan about their relationship, and of course the media had gone into a complete frenzy.

“It’s ok Nam, it’ll be ok…I think...” Hanbin had tried to reassure Namkyu who had been informed about Yeongjin’s comment on the way to Daegu on the plane. The poor man had slumped over in his seat and buried his face in his hands with an immediate on-set stress miagraine.  He raised a hand to silence Hanbin and that had been the end of that conversation.

 “Why did you say that??” Hanbin had demanded upon greeting Yeongjin in their room at the hotel they were staying at in Daegu. It had taken two hours for him to get off the plane, get through the airport, and get from the car to the hotel foyer because of the swarming crowds. “They’re going batshit crazy out there!”

“They were already going crazy,” Yeongjin laughed at Hanbin’s comically flustered expression. “Chill, they were going to find out sometime.”

“Yeah but you didn’t have to go and say we were in a relationship together!!”

“Yeah well I didn’t. I just said I was your “number one fan.” Anyway, I thought you liked it when I told the truth.” Yeongjin smirked, pulling Hanbin down onto the hotel bed with him.

“Only sometimes you idiot!” Hanbin protested but allowing Yeongjin to wrap his arms around him at the same time.

“How about this then for truth: I want you to blow me. Right now.” Hanbin grinned back and bit his lips. Yep, that was definitely the kind of honesty he enjoyed.

Ironically, as a result of Yeongjin’s slip-up media coverage for the tour had increased dramatically and the few seats that hadn’t yet been sold were snapped up within seconds. Overnight the tour was completely sold out and record sales for B.I. had surged astronomincally. For that reason alone Yeongjin was let off the hook by the company.

But Hanbin wasn’t sure yet how he felt about Yeongjin meeting his family. It occurred to him that he and Yeongjin hadn’t exactly followed the usual relationship progression. Surely your boyfriend was supposed to meet your family before you moved in together, right? He was both excited and nervous, calm and slightly apprehensive. He didn’t have any doubts that Yeongjin would impress his parents or charm Hanbyul. Nor did he have any doubts that his parents would be perfectly lovely to Yeongjin. His real fear was something more subtle. He was worried that a bond wouldn’t appear there between them in the same way it had for Bobby.

His parents had adored Bobby. His Mum thought he was perfect and his father thought he was cool. Even though Bobby hadn’t spent a huge amount of time with them during their fives years together, in face he’d spent even less time with them than Hanbin had, it had been hard for his parents to let Bobby go because from what they’d understood he’d basically been a part of the family, he’d completed their son.

Bobby’s bond with his parents and his sister had been very sincere and easy, Hanbin just hoped Yeongjin would gel with them in the same way. He didn’t want any comparisons and discussions of difference. He wanted Yeongjin to bond even better with his parents than Bobby had. He wanted Hanbyul to crush on him even harder and forget Bobby.

He was also nervous because he knew his Mum was going to give him the guilt-treatment as she always did. And he was right. The first thing his Mum did when she walked through the door of the hotel room was to swat him sharply on the arm. His father came in after holding Hanbyul’s hand.

“Why don’t you _tell_ me things!” She complained before turning to Yeongjin who’s just emerged from the bedroom and greeting him with a charming “Hello! You must be Yeongjin,” Hanbin knew she was referring to the fact she’d found out her son was dating from social media, not from him directly. He smiled sheepishly and turned his attention to Hanbyul as his father tried to hush his mum.

“Stop it, leave the boy alone,” His father implored jokingly, flashing Yeongjin a charming smile.

“Hey Byul,” Hanbin chimed as she flung herself tightly around his body, squeezing him so tight her face grimaced adorably from the strain. He kissed the top of her head chuckling and held her tight.

Yeongjin greeted his parents formally while Hanbin tried to look everywhere else possible. He was nervous, there was no denying it.

“I forgive you, sweetie,” his mother cooed in a false tone, taking him into her arms. His father hugged him tightly afterwards and gave his temple a kiss.

“Hello, son. Don’t worry about your mother,” he said quietly. They both knew she was going to be upset for a while about his little secret. His parents had known he was moving out as he’d asked them to help him sell his townhouse, but they’d assumed their romantically disinterested son was living with a friend.

Hanbin noticed Hanbyul’s shy demeanour. While Hanbyul was outgoing with her family to the point of being rather bossy and opinionated, she had a tendency to be shy in front of strangers. It was yet another quality they shared. She stared hesitantly at Yeongjin who smiled back at her, trying his best not to look like the intimidating hardcore skater he was.

“Darling, we also wanted to talk to you, can’t you come over sometime soon? We haven’t had you over for dinner for months and months.”

“Mum,” Hanbin groaned, “I can’t…I’m on tour.”

“But this is important sweetie, your dad and I wanted to sit down and talk about it together, the three of us.”

“What? What’s going on? Just tell me now, Mum.” Hanbin replied impatiently. He just wanted them all to have a nice meal together. His Mum always had to make things intense and more complicated than they needed to be. His father thankfully intervened.

“How about Yeongjin, Byul and I go downstairs to the hotel restaurant and you two can meet us there shortly?” He smiled charismatically at Yeongjin who smiled back gratefully.

“Ok…” Hanbin murmured, worried about leaving Yeongjin alone with his Dad who sometimes had a way of testing out other people’s wits and intelligence. But as the three of them left the hotel apartment he heard peals of laughter between the two men and reminded himself that Yeongjin had plenty of his own charisma, even if it was different to that of his father’s. His mother turned to him looking concerned.

 “Darling we want to move to the States for a while with Byul.” Hanbin stared at his mother in surprise.

“Ok…why? When?”

“We always regretted not investing the time in helping you learn English, and it’s such a necessity these days. We want Hanbyul to have that experience of being completely immersed in English before it’s too late.”

“She’s already nearly nine, Mum,” Hanbin laughed.

“Yes, we know that. But your father can easily transfer his role within the company to L.A. so we thought why not?”

“What does Byul think? Does she want to?” Hanbin asked.

“She was the one who suggested it in the first place. She really wants to learn English and go to an American school. We think it’s because of all the subbed American tv shows she’s been watching,” his mother winked at him.

“When would you be leaving?” Hanbin asked.

“Well, that’s what we wanted to discuss with you. We were thinking after your tour, then we could spend some time together as a family before we went away.” Hanbin smiled tightly and his mother waved a hand as if to shew away the thoughts she could read in his mind. “Just for a weekend or something darling! Just a weekend together! Nothing longer than that, I know, I know you’re busy!”

Hanbin nodded slowly. That sounded really nice, and he could probably make that work. He’d speak to Namkyu about it as soon as possible.

“How do you feel about that darling? Us being overseas for a year? Of course we’d come back to see you, but we do want Byul to settle in well, to really immerse herself.”

“Of course I’m fine with it,” Hanbin grinned and patted his Mum’s cheek sweetly. “I think it’s a cool idea, and I want Byul to pursue what she is interested in. I really want her to learn English too, that’ll be an awesome skill for her to have.”

“Will you miss us?” His mother demanded teasingly.

“ _Of course_ I’ll miss you,” Hanbin replied impatiently, giving his mother a side-eye look. His mother laughed and hugged him again.

“I love you. Do you love your Mum?”

“Yes, I love you,” Hanbin smiled down at her feeling totally babied but secretly loving it. She laughed and kissed him hard on the cheek.

“Ok now let’s go interrogate this hot new boyfriend of yours.”

 

***

 

“Your family is really cute.” Yeongjin smiled at him. Hanbin had just finished his concert and they were in his dressing room, finally catching up on the days events now they had time. “Hanbyul has the exact same eyes as you, also the same way of talking. It’s incredible.”

 “Yeah they are…” Hanbin replied absentmindedly.

“And your dad, he’s where you get your charisma from, and he looks really young for his age.”

“yeah?”

“And your Mum is so cool. I like her, I want to take her out for lunch sometime, take her shopping.” Yeongjin was trying to get a rise out of him but Hanbin wasn’t mentally present. He realised several seconds late what Yeongjin said and snorted.

“What’s wrong?” Yeongjin asked.

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Bullshit. Tell me.” Yeongjin grabbed his wrist and shook it hard. Hanbin smiled feeling embarrassed. He wasn’t sure if he was going to sound like a total baby or not.

“It’s nothing, it’s just that Mum and Dad are going to take Byul to America for a year.”

“Really?” Yeongjin was surprised as well. “Why?”

“She wants to learn English,” Hanbin grinned. “She wants to go to school in America.”

“For a whole year?”

“Well, I think the idea is for them to stay however long it takes her to become comfortable with the language.”

“Cool. She’s a cool kid, ambitious like you.” Yeongjin smirked.

“Yeah..” Hanbin replied dully. He was feeling a bit numb.

“So you don’t want them to go?”

“No, it’s not that…” Yeongjin raised his eyebrows at him and Hanbin caved. “Ok fine, kind of. It’s just that…for ages I’ve felt really bad you know because I’ve always been so independent. Even when I was young I would get ideas into my head and pursue them even if it meant being away from Mum and Dad. Like, it’s not that I didn’t love them, I just really liked…focussing on things that interested me.”

“Like?”

“Oh…dance camp...and stuff…vocal lessons, rap coaching…performing…all that stuff. Mum and Dad were always so supportive and encouraging, they let me try everything at least once even if they knew I’d suck at it or fail. And I moved into the YG dorms pretty early, when I was 14, and ever since then I’ve lived apart from them….”

“Have you missed them?”

“Yeah of course, but I think what makes me feel worse than missing them…is how easily I cope without them. I’m so busy all the time and occupied by deadlines and stuff…that I sometimes have to remind myself to keep up with them and their lives. It’s not that I don’t care…it’s just…I dunno, I just really love what I do, perhaps more than family. I feel bad about it.” Yeongjin shrugged.

“To be honest, I think your independence is a testament to the faith and trust you have in your parents. A kid who’s scared his parents won’t be there for him when he gets back never leaves their side. You were just sure of them and yourself from a young age.”

“Maybe,” Hanbin smiled.

“So that’s why you’re feeling bad? They going away and you’re actually ok with it?” Yeong clarified.

“No…I feel weird about them going because I’ve always felt like they were chasing me, waiting for me. And regardless of what’s going on for them in their lives, the moment I ask them to come to a concert or see me or call me, they’re there within seconds. But this time…they’re apologising for going away and not being available. It just hasn’t happened before, that’s all. I just didn’t think they would ever leave Korea again now because of my career…I’m just surprised.”

“You sound surprised by the idea that maybe they’re not putting you first like they always do?” Yeongjin chortled teasingly. Hanbin laughed because it was true, that was exactly the case. Trust Yeongjin to cut through the bullshit.

“Yeah…you’re right. For the _first_ time I’m not coming _first_. And that’s ok, I want everything for Hanbyul too, I think it’s a great idea and I don’t want her to miss out on a single thing. It’s just I’m going to miss knowing they’re there, just a few districts away, in the same country. Knowing that they’d drop whatever they were doing if I called and said I needed them, which sounds crazy I know because I so rarely take advantage of it. But I’m going to miss that warm feeling that you get from knowing your family is close-by and there for you, you know what I mean?” Hanbin looked at Yeongjin hopefully, wanting him to reassure him he wasn’t being a baby. But Yeongjin smiled at him strangely. His eyes didn’t light up and after a pause he shook his head.

“No,” He admitted, as if realising it for the first time himself. “I don’t know.”

Hanbin watched as Yeongjin stared down at his hands. For a split second Hanbin tried to find the most sensitive way of asking Yeongjin to tell him more about his family, but he was caught off guard by making such a stupid blunder. As if realising Hanbin’s dilemma Yeongjin looked at him and flashed him a soft, forgiving smile.

“Don’t worry.” He placed a hand of Hanbin’s thigh. “they might be going away but I’ll be right here for you, you’ll never be alone.”

 

***

 

“Sooo.” Minjee announced slowly, trying to get Bobby’s attention.

He was lying on her couch watching some cop show and robotically placing chips into his mouth one after the other as if he was on a factory line. His eyes flickered up to her and she was taken aback by the vacancy in them. It was like he was in a boring dream while the rest of the world continued on just doing its thing and he couldn’t care less.

Bobby registered the concern on Minjee’s face as she stood in her kitchen looking over at him. She only had ten minutes before she needed to leave for work but something was holding her back from leaving. Bobby could tell it was him and felt guilty. He sat up and his bones cracked.

“You need me to leave. I understand, I’ve been here all week.”

“No, you don’t have to leave,” Minjee replied with a sigh, “I just want you to _shower_ , Jiwon. You’re grossing me out. Seriously, when did you last wash?”

“...um…” Bobby sniffed his shirt and recoiled. “Ok, yeah, I’ll shower…” he mumbled as Minjee went off to find him a towel. The last time he remembered having a shower was the morning of the day he found out Yeongjin and Hanbin had gone public. After that moment all the seconds, minutes, hours and days had rolled into one mysterious unit of time in which nothing had happened but everything had happened. He couldn’t remember what he’d done the day before, what he’d eaten, what he’d watched, what he’d said. He marked the time simply by new questions about everything he thought he knew and understood.

He just didn’t know where Hanbin and Yeongjin going public left him now. What he should do? How he should go about his life? He realised deep down that he’d been clinging to the fact Yeongjin and Hanbin weren’t public yet as desperate proof that nothing was set in stone, that there was still the possibility that Yeongjin would disappear from Hanbin’s life, and his own life, as swiftly as he’d appeared. But now Yeongjin and Hanbin were undeniably an item to be celebrated and worshipped by the public, he felt more hopeless than ever because he’d been erased, Yeongjin was achieving milestone after milestone with Hanbin that he’d never even approached during their five years together.

It made him wonder about the past and all the assumptions he’d had about them as a couple. Were he and Hanbin never meant to be soulmates? Maybe they were just fleeting lovers, not the grand soulmates he’d thought they were? Maybe they had been nothing more than ill-matched first loves? Maybe Yeongjin suited Hanbin better? Maybe Yeongjin really was Hanbin’s soulmate? What if Hanbin loved Yeongjin more than he ever loved him?

But why then, when he thought of Hanbin, did he feel a full-body rush of adoration, love, protectiveness, desire, need and longing all at once? Why was Hanbin’s face still the most beautiful he’d ever seen then, why was his body the most perfect he’d ever touched? Why was he the funniest person he knew? Why was he still the most brilliant, ambitious hard-working, adaptable song-writer he’d worked with as an equal? Why did he love him as if he didn’t know how to do anything otherwise?  Why did he need him as simply and uncompromisingly as he needed food, or sleep, or to breathe, or to sigh, or to close his eyelids when they became heavy with fatigue.

These were the questions he’d been asking himself over and over the past week as Jee continued on with her normal life, waking early, going to work, going to baking class, coming home, making them dinner, hanging out, then going to sleep early.

He knew that Jee had been worried about him he’d just been too lazy and defeated to try and reassure her in any way. He could see it in the way she looked at him when she came home and saw he was in the same position on the couch as the one she’d left him in that morning. He could hear it in the voice she used to ask him how his day had been and he replied with the usual “nothing.” He could feel it in her long silence that inevitably followed his one-word responses.

Bobby was surprised that she’d only finally put her foot down today, that she’d put up with his sulky, depressing, slovenly behaviour for a week already. Usually she would have got stuck into him by now and told him to get his shit together. The Jee he’d grown up with had been able to spit fire. He remembered some of the hilariously bad name she’d called him over the years when angry.

_Impulsive, impudent imbecile!!_

_Stupid-head-moron dumb-ass!!_

_Jerk-faced-idiot!!_

He’d often joked with her that she was the one who should be writing diss tracks, it only ever enraged her further. He realised he must be really pathetic and pitiful right now if not even Minjee was prepared to scold him.

Minjee returned with a fresh towel which she tossed into his face before he could catch it. Even his reflexes had slowed down, he was turning into a lump of stone. She folded her arms and stared at him, early morning light slowly seeped around the apartment. The patch of carpet she was standing on was glowing.

“Look, you don’t have to go, really. I’m scared of you being on your own right now…but I want to you to like, start _living_ again? You know what I mean? I’m worried about you Jiwon, don’t make me go full “mum” on you or else I am going to have to call your Mum and get her to come pick you up,” Minjee warned. Bobby nodded his head, he didn’t want his Mum to see him like this, she’d be worried sick.

“So, what are you going to do today? See friends? Work your album? Go to the gym? Even if you go out and drink or something I’ll be happy! Just do anything.”

“Researching.” Bobby mumbled.

“You’re going to be researching? For what, your album?” Minjee replied surprised. Bobby nodded. “Ok, sounds good. I’m glad to hear that…I’ve got to go now, have a good day, I’ll call and check on you ok?”

“Sure. Thanks Jee.”

“Oh,” Minjee remembered something and disappeared into her room. She returned with a pink, fluffy dressing gown covered in ducklings. Bobby raised his eyebrows. “You have no change of clothes…as soon as you take those off put them in the washing machine, got it??” Minjee gestured to the t-shirt and boxers he was still in from the night he arrived.

“Ok..”

 Minjee rolled her eyes at him with a smile, and left the apartment to go to work.

For ten minutes Bobby stared at the bath towel in his hands, annoyed it was necessary to shower and unconvinced it was going to make him feel any better.

Finally, he stood up, a task that felt arduous beyond reason, and stumbled to the bathroom. As soon as he stepped into the shower he wondered why he had refused to do so for so long. The hot water hit his body creating a delicious steam that filled the room and he felt a peacefulness come over him. For a while he stood in the shower, head bowed, just letting the water do its thing. He thought about Minjee and how crap it must have been having him sitting in her house like a depressed, junk-food scoffing, not-cute-at-all Caspar the ghost. He leaned he head against the cool tiled wall and with a long sigh he experienced a moment of clarity. Minjee was right, he couldn’t lie around forever.

He washed quickly, scrubbing himself thoroughly and feeling ashamed of how he’d let himself go, then hopped out the shower keen to get started. He dried himself off and slipped into Jee’s pink fluffy dressing gone, putting his own clothes into the washing machine as Jee instructed.

The only single good thing about depression, Bobby mused to himself as he rolled up the sleeves of the fluffy dressing down to begin scrubbing Jee’s kitchen sink, was the way it made you not give a fuck about your appearance. He cleaned Jee’s Kitchen top to bottom to thank her for all the cooking and cleaning she’d done to maintain his long stay. When he’d finished the kitchen he moved onto the loungeroom and bathroom.

He collapsed with exhaustion two hours later after finishing vacuuming, proud of the way he’d managed to erase the shape of his body he’d been moulding into Jee’s couch. Now he was finished with trying to make it up to Jee he could turn his attention to his “research.”

A week ago Bobby had been on a high from successfully tracking down two possible leads for his Yeongjin research. The Timber store where Yeongjin had had his first publicity break had provided him with two key pieces of information:

  1. Ahn Chunghoon had been Yeongjin’s manager but they fell out over a girl
  2. That girl was Violet Kim and she was a tattoo artist



But discovering Yeongjin and Hanbin were now official had demolished his motivation. Over the past few days he’d found himself doubting whether uncovering Yeongjin’s past was even worth it. What would it even achieve? Would it make Hanbin break up with Yeongjin? Sure, maybe. But would it make Hanbin return to him? Probably not.

However, now it seemed that the fog of depression was finally lifting and the vindictive anger surge of curiosity that had driven his initial stalking was returning and which after a long, apathetic week, it too refreshing to ignore.

_Even if you don’t return to me Hanbin, I just can’t have you being with that dickhead. No way. He’s bad news and I’m sure of it._

He reached out for his phone which he’d abandoned for pretty much the whole week. It was a landmine these days, he never knew piece of soul-crushing information he’d find out just by scrolling through the news. The first thing he discovered was a tonne of missed calls from the boys, one or two from his parents and several from Raesung, no doubt about the album production.

Well he wasn’t going to return any of the boys calls, he had nothing to say to them. He sent a quick text to his parents letting them know he’d be over for dinner and decided Raesung could wait. He really didn’t want to think about the album right now.

He searched for Violet Kim’s Instagram profile but it took longer than he expected because her username wasn’t anything like her real name. When he finally found it he noticed straight away that Violet was no longer in South Korea, she appeared to be based in New York. He wondered how long she’d been there. Had she also ditched South Korea for the States with a broken heart the way he had?

**Violet Kim**

Tattoo Artist // NYC

My Studio -> Tooth & Nail

_26 Bushwick Avenue, Brooklyn, New York 11211_

Appointment only, book here _–_ _www.toothandnailvk.com/_

Bobby sighed with frustration, this wasn’t the situation he’d wanted. It looked like the only way he was going to be able to ask Violet about her ex now was by phone, and that was going to be super awkward.

_“Hey Violet, you don’t know me, we’ve never met, and I’m just going off some super vague rumours here, but did you date Jang Yeongjin by any chance? If so, was he an asshole to you at any point? Cool, thanks for sharing all this personal info with me.”_

_Yeah, no fucking way…_

He began to scoll his way through Violet’s account and he was surprised. He’d imagined Yeongjin’s ex to be quite like him: alternative, dangerous looking and covered in tattoos.

While he’d been right about that tattoos, she had plenty as to be expected of a tattoo artist, he hadn’t expected her to be so incredibly glamorous, wealthy and composed. Bobby decided she just had to be from a Chaebol family with the cool, casual expression she wore in each photo. Only the super-rich were immune to the awe such extravagance could inspire. Anyway, there was no way a tattoo artist could have a private family jet, no matter how wealthy they were.

Her feed comprised of three main types of photos. Firstly, there were the impressive international holiday shots of her sunbathing in Santorini, scuba diving in Bora Bora, wearing the tiniest party dress ever at a club in Miami, smiling into a glass of chardonnay in a candlelit restaurant in Paris. Secondly there were the images of her art and tattoos, mainly neo-traditional, line work and black work, featured on customers necks, shoulders, arms, chests, ankles, wrists, everywhere. Bobby’s mind wandered to Yeongjin and his tattoos and then it clicked. No doubt Violet gave Yeongjin quite a few tattoos during their time together…he wondered how many.

It was the third category of photos that Bobby found the most fascinating: the photos and selfies of Violet herself. She had obviously left behind Korean beauty standards a long time ago. She was gorgeous in a very trendy, contoured, Western way. With her cute, angular bone structure she looked sophisticated yet slightly kittenish at the same time, her dark, heavily lashed eyes gave her a sultry look, yet she had a perfect dimple in each of her cheeks which softened her face and made her look younger than her years. Her long straight black hair contrasted with her deeply tanned skin, and her toned, curvy figure was incredible, something from a men’s magazine.

He kept returning to one particular photo of her at a café. She was sitting at a table with lots of greenery behind her, cool leather jacket hung over her shoulders, looking down demurely at her coffee as her lashes swept her cheeks, both elbows up on the table, hands clasped elegantly under her chin, both forearms emblazoned with traditional Japanese tattoo sleeves. Her demeanour was incredibly feminine and very cool in a badass independent woman kind of way, and all Bobby knew was that she was the type of girl who even the most self-respecting man or woman would have trouble approaching. She was an absolute goddess and she knew it.

_Then how the fucking hell did she end up with a creep like Yeongjerk??_

He studied Violet as if the secret to Yeongjin’s success could be found in the features of her face or body. Was there a hint of low self-esteem in her cat-like brown eyes?? A smidge of shallowness in her perfect, full lips?? No, not at all, he couldn’t find anything. She appeared to be a strong, sexy, confident, wealthy woman and he wasn’t going to get any answers just by looking at her Instagram. How Yeongjin managed to sweep such beautiful people into his life was going to remain a mystery for a while longer. 

Remembering why he was stalking Violet in the first place Bobby began to scroll down to find any remnants of her past relationship with Yeongjin but nothing could be found, not that he was surprised. it seemed that Violet had a strict no relationship-posts rule going on. She appeared in several photos with guys but none of them seemed to be her boyfriend. Nor did she appear to be dating any of the girls she posed with. He did a double check and confirmed that neither Violet or Yeongjin followed each other and he figured their split most likely hadn’t been amicable.

He felt even weirder now about calling up a total stranger out of the blue and asking about a potentially painful breakup. Although he was certain Yeongjin was a bad guy he didn’t have enough info to do such a potentially risky thing and to ask such provocative questions. Who knew how Violet felt about Yeongjin now? Did she know she was dating someone else? Was she dating someone else?  

He decided he was going to have to turn his attention back to Chunghoon, that was easier and less risky. Thankfully after a few minutes of light detective work he found out exactly where he could find him.

 

***

 

Jinhwan got the call from Raesung at the worst time possible – he was right in the middle of one hundred things at once. He’d just been bickering with June regarding their choreography, received a strange text from his sister moment’s beforehand, and was trying to reconfigure the line distribution before their scheduled stage in thirty minutes.

To keep ikon alive during their forced hiatus Jinhwan had stepped up into the position of leader of the vocal line. He was the one making sure everyone knew their lines, rehearsed enough, liaising with the managers about the schedule, making sure everyone was giving their 110%. It was tough and he didn’t always particularly enjoy being leader but he there was no way he was going to let ikon be forgotten by the public and as the oldest he naturally felt responsible for the welfare of the group.

He answered the phone with surprise. Raesung was a nice kid, he liked him and he was glad he had debuted, but didn’t know him as well as Bobby and Hanbin. He couldn’t imagine why he’d need to ring him, unless it was something to do with Bobby’s album which he knew he was helping to produce.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Hi Hyung, have you seen or heard from Bobby lately?” Raesung asked in a flat voice.

“Ah..” Jinhwan paused not knowing what he should say. “Not for a little while…why?”

The truth was Bobby was still ignoring all of them and it hurt and angered Jinhwan a lot. Although they loved each other and always would because of their shared trainee days together, being triple Kim and all, Jinhwan and Bobby had always had a bickering relationship. They’d never been able to share a room because for this reason, Jinhwan always ended up pouting over Bobby’s messiness and blunt comments while Bobby went crazy over Jinhwan’s mood swings and need for order.

Nonetheless Jinhwan had still been the first member Bobby had turned to in times of need, especially when things hadn’t been going well with Hanbin. Jinhwan had an emotional intelligence and intuition the other boys lacked. He also had insight into the complex twists and turns of Hanbin’s mind that Bobby hadn’t been able to access no matter how hard he’d tried.

But Jinhwan felt Bobby had been refusing to listen to him for a while now and it frustrated him to see Bobby dig himself deeper and deeper into his own mess. Usually Bobby was more rational when it came to matters of the heart. He accepted what was going on, said what he needed to about how he felt, then let things be. But right now Jinhwan was convinced that Bobby was doing exactly the opposite of everything that was good for him and he knew it but just didn't care.

He was frustrated and worried that Bobby couldn’t see the way they wanted to help him, that their efforts to help him included saving himself from his own impulsive delusions. It pained him that in trying to stop Bobby from being reckless he was called a traitor, which was what Bobby’s silent treatment implied. The other boys had continued trying to chase down Bobby, especially Yunhyeong and Donghyuk who felt particularly guilty, and he had too for a while as well. But now the vocal line had a busy schedule again he work to do and a lot of it. He didn’t have time to deal with Bobby now, he’d left it up to the others.

He knew that both Yunhyeong, Chanwoo and Donghyuk had gone to bobby’s apartment to talk to him but he hadn’t been home. He also knew that Donghyuk had gone to the studio Bobby had been recording in to see him, but he hadn’t been there either. He’d assumed at that point Bobby was with his parents.

“I think he’s at his family home right now…”

“Nah, he’s not. We’ve called his parents already…”

“Really?” Jinhwan felt worried. “Ok...I really don’t know where he is then…”

“Well if you see him tell him to call me back? It’s just Diggy and Choice 37 are getting really pissed off because he hasn’t been into the studio for over a week now…and he’s not answering anyone’s calls…” guilt gripped Jinhwan’s chest. Oh shit, Bobby was ignoring everyone. “…and they haven’t told YG about it yet coz they’re trying to protect him, but he really needs to get here fast or else they’d going to flip.”

“Uh-huh.” Jinwhan replied distractedly, staring into space deeply concerned. He didn’t know what to do. Jiwon was handling this heartbreak so differently from the way he had the first time, it was like he was punishing himself. “I will try and get onto him but it’s best if you keep trying to call him too.”

“Is something going on…? Is Bobby ok?” Raesung asked cautiously.

“He’s fine,” Jinhwan replied as calmly as he could, trying to convince himself out of his own guilt. “He will be fine.” They hung up and Jinhwan continued staring into space for a moment. But what could he do right now? He closed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on, and summoned a deep breath to call for the boy’s attention. He could hear them laughing and joking around in the waiting room next door.

“JUNE,” he yelled shrilly. “CHANU, YOYO, DONG – GET HERE NOW. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT LINE DISTRIBUTION”

 

***

 

Bobby pulled up outside the small, modern office block and checked the address he’d found online. Yep, he was at the right place - ARCH graphic design, 130 Yeonhui-dong, Seodaemun-gu. In just a few moments he would be buzzing office number three and speaking to Ahn Chunghoon, the man who he hoped could tell him more about Yeong-jerk. There had to be a story behind his and Yeongjin’s falling out, Bobby was certain of that. You don’t quit being the manager of a highly successful professional skateboarder to become a graphic designer for no reason…

He was just about to step out of the car when his phone began to ring – it was Raesung. Feeling bad at having ignored his last five calls Bobby decided to quickly answer and tell him he’d call him back.

“Hey bro, now’s not such a good time I’m in the middle of-,”

“-Where are you?” Raesung interjected.

“Where am I? Oh…ah, just…at home,” Bobby replied clumsily.

“You don’t remember what day it is, do you?” Raesung asked with a hint of disbelief in his voice.

 Bobby’s stomach dropped at a horrendous speed as he realised he’d completely forgotten that today he was supposed to be presenting three completed guide tracks to his producers. It was the first major deadline of the album.

“FUCK.” He slammed a hand down on the steering wheel accidentally releasing a sharp beep. He’d completely lost track of time since because of his breakdown. Bobby ran a hand through his hair and stared out at the building that contained Ahn Chunghoon’s design business. It was beginning to dawn on him just how much Yeongjin and Habin were occupying his mind, so much so he’d forgotten this day that had been lined up for several weeks. His heart thundered in his chest because he was totally in for it now. The producers had been giving him strange looks for weeks about his patchy working habits. He was either in there for twenty-four hours at a time, or wasn’t to be seen for a whole week.

“You were supposed to be here at nine, it’s now nine thirty. Diggy is about to lose it, he told me not to call you – I think he wants to see you make the effort the remember, he suspects you’ve forgotten – I’m calling you from the bathroom right now.  You’ve got to get here asap.”

“Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck.” Bobby chanted furiously at himself. “Tell him I’ll be there in 15 minutes. I’m not far away.”

“Godspeed hyung,” Raesung hung up and Bobby looked out again at the office block which contained his answers. Feeling like he was caught in one of those frustrating anxiety dreams in which everything was just one stupid, absurd mistake after another, he did a u-turn and drove to the YG building as fast as he could.

His Yeongjerk research was unfortunately going to have to wait.

 

***

 

As soon as Bobby appeared in the studio, still breathless from jogging up the flight of stairs from the carpark, Diggy spun around on his chair to glare at him. Diggy was his friend but he was also a focussed and professional guy, Bobby knew how he hated diva-like behaviour. Raesung turned around too with relief written all over his face.

“Where’ve you been, man?” Diggy demanded without even trying to soften his anger.  

“Home,” Bobby replied feeling guilty. Diggy stared at him for a moment and the silence was horribly awkward.

“What the fuck have you been doing at home?” Bobby opened his mouth to speak, closed it again and scratched his arm.

_Well, I’ve been stalking my ex’s new boyfriend, lying around, eating crap and doing a real solid job at pretending the world doesn’t exist outside my friend Jee’s apartment…yeah, that’s about it._

_“_ We’ve been waiting for you to rock up for over a week. What the hell’s going on?”

“I’m…I’m going through some stuff at the moment,” Bobby mumbled, forcing himself to look straight at Diggy’s unimpressed face. Diggy shrugged as if to say “and your point is?”

“Bring your stuff to work then. Work through your shit here.” Bobby felt his cheeks go warm with shame and he noticed Raesung deliberately avoiding the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He was staring at his thumbs twiddling in his lap. It was embarrassing being scolded in front of the younger guy who was also his friend, someone who was easily outdoing him when it came to work ethic at the moment. He suddenly thought of Hanbin and how he’d going straight from the scandal and their breakup to working on his solo album.

_How did you do it, Bin? How. I need to ask you, I need you to show me how. I want to talk to you, go back to the days when we worked together, when we bounced ideas off each other late into the night and returned to the dorms early in the morning, crashing into bed and falling asleep within three seconds._

Diggy stood up from his seat, faced him and crossed his arms. Bobby braced himself knowing that meant the guy was really about to go off.

“Choice and I, we’ve been covering for you. For over a week. YG’s been calling asking how things are going, asking how the tracks are, asking about your work ethic – and we’ve been lying to him bro, we’ve been covering your ass!”

“Thank you, I’m really sorry.”

“We’ve been telling him “oh don’t worry man, all G! The guy’s doing some great stuff down here, just give us another week to finish the tracks, man…!!”

“I’m sorry.” The word sounded empty, like gibberish, it had been said too many times. Diggy pointed a finger at him warningly.

“I’m going to give you some advice bro: don’t fuck this up. This is your _solo debut_ and you only get one. And right now, that’s why you’re doing - you’re fucking it up. You’re coming in late looking hungover and miserable as fuck, you’re not concentrating, you’re sleepy and grumpy, your brains switched off, your flow is whack, you’ve lost your swag, man…”

“I know. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I haven’t been trying hard enough.”

“No, you haven’t and I need you to get your shit together.”

“Ok.” Bobby stood there feeling completely ashamed, his face burning from the scolding he’d just received. Part of him wanted to yell at Diggy “you don’t know what I’m going through right now!” but another part of him needed to hear this and that’s exactly why he’d been avoiding the studio for so long.

He needed someone to yank him out of his slump by the collar and slap some sense into him. For too long he’d been sitting around fantasising about digging up dirt on Yeongjin that would make Hanbin dump him – and ask to be with him again instead. He was sitting in his sadness, brewing away in it like a soaked teabag going mouldy. Diggy sighed, now remorseful at having come down so hard on the young rapper who was standing there looking ashamed with himself. He walked over and gripped Bobby’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry you’ve been down. It’s tough for any of us to work when we have shit going on in our lives. But here’s the thing, you need to think of your fans. If you’re not getting your shit together for yourself, your label, your labelmates, your CEO, your band, or even for your friends and family…do it for your _fans_.”

With that Bobby felt a lightness come over him. He wondered why he hadn’t thought it through that way before. The fans who had stuck by him and Ikon despite this endless, long, strung out, disappointing hiatus.

“You’re too good for me to let you mess this up and. You’re too fucking good. I can’t let you do this to yourself, that’s why I’m hard on you, that’s why I’m an asshole, please understand that.” Diggy muttered as he pulled Bobby into a hug like a wise grandfather sorry for having spanked his grandson moments beforehand.

“Ok…can I show you the lyrics I’ve got so far?” Bobby asked tentatively, just glad the scolding was over. Diggy released him and nodded.

“Sure, man. Let’s get to work.” Out of the corner of Bobby’s eye he saw Raesung smile. When Diggy wasn’t looking Bobby quickly turned to Raesung with his palms pressed together in thanks.

“ _Thank you_ ,” he mouthed.

 

***

 

“What does that actually mean?” Yeongjin asked, staring at the tattoo on Hanbin’s left shoulder. They’d just arrived at their next stop, Kobe and were waiting in Hanbin’s dressing room for Namkyu to tell them the crowds had disappeared enough for them to make it to their car alive.

“Nihilism?”

“Yeah.” Yeongjin lit up a cigarette and Hanbin cringed. He knew how Namkyu hated Yeongjin smoking around him.

_It’s bad for your vocal chords and lungs, blah blah blah_

“Nihilism: the radical repudiation of value, meaning and desirability” Hanbin recited the Nietszche quote with his eyes shut. He opened his eyes and smiled at Yeongjin who was waiting for him to continue. “But there’s four types of nihilism actually…but my tattoo’s a tribute to one in particular.”

“Which is?” Yeongjn asked then exhaled a plume of smoke.

“Existential nihilism, the idea that there is simply no meaning to life. None at all. Life is absurd and has no purpose, the universe is indifferent to our existence etc,. etc.” There was a long silence as Yeongjin took another long drag on his cigarette and stared at hanbin through narrowed eyes.

“What the fuck. Why the fuck do you have that tattooed on your chest?” Yeongjin scorned. “You care about lots of things: music, performance, the industry, yourself as a person, your friends, your label…you care about me…”

“Yeah, that’s the thing though. I care a lot…sometimes I care too much, I guess. So nihilism can be comforting, it’s reassuring to think that all the mistakes you make, all the missed opportunities and disappointments you have, all the suffering and worry that you inevitably experience – none of it actually matters.”

Yeongjin looked at him sceptically, Hanbin could tell something about his world view wasn’t sitting right with him.

“Yeah but there’s a flipside to that. If nothing matters, then why not go all out? Why not just do the fuck what you want because nothing matters?”

“Well yes, I guess that’s also kinda true…” Hanbin conceded.

“Well then, I think you’ve got a bit of work to do if you’re going to live up to that motto,” Yeongjin informed him bluntly. Hanbin laughed and nodded.

“I said it was a ‘comforting idea,’ I didn’t say I’d nailed it as a way of life. I got the tattoo as a reminder, something to try and remember when I’m stressed out as fuck.”

“I feel like we’ve talked about this sort of before, just in a different way…”

“Yeah, the night we first met.”

“Yep. At the skatepark. You told me about what freaks you out, that you care too much about stuff, it burdens you, all the worries you have, how you hate making mistakes.”

“Yep and you told me you’d help me with my fear.” Hanbin smiled.

“I did, didn’t I…” Yeongjin mused as he inspected his cigarette. He looked up at Hanbin, glanced at the shut dressing room door, then back at Hanbin with a smirk. Hanbin’s stomach did a somersault. “Let’s get started then, your first lesson on nihilism begins right now.”

Yeongjin stood up off the couch and strolled lazily towards him, hands in his pockets, cigarette held in place by a smirk, his eyes wandering over Hanbin’s body as he decided where he wanted to start.

“Oh come on, no way.” Hanbin protested, trying to fend of Yeongjin’s hands that were snaking their way to his hips. “Nam’s going to come through that door any second to tell us we can leave.”

Yeongjin had closed in on him though and desire was coursing through Hanbin’s stomach and everything below. Yeongjin crushed out his cigarette against the wall with a hiss.

“And? So what?” Yeongjin chuckled throatily against Hanbin’s neck. His teeth grazed Hanbin’s skin and his hand was slid up under his shirt across his belly making Hanbin’s stomach jump. “What does it matter if he does? You’ve only got one life Hanbin and it’s meaningless, remember?”

Hanbin groaned, half out of frustration that Yeongjin was now going to utilise his own philosophy and integrity against him, and half out of desire. There was something insanely hot about the fact they were taking a risk, that he knew Yeongjin had absolutely no reservations about taking him here right now. He imagined how hard and fast Yeongjin was going to have to fuck him and he felt himself slipping into the dreamy, hungry, needy headspace he always fell into when they had rough sex.

“I know, I know, I just don’t want Nam to walk in on us,” Hanbin stumbled over his words.

“It’ll make his day, relax.” Yeongjin’s lips brushed against Hanbin’s, his hand slipped into his jeans. Hanbin froze and opened his eyes.

“What? It’ll make his day? What do you mean?” Hanbin couldn’t remember Yeongjin saying anything more bizarre. Yeongjin paused and looked at Hanbin with irritation, as if Hanbin was being deliberately obtuse.

“Come on, you know what I’m talking about.”

“No, I don’t.” Yeongjin rolled his eyes. 

“Your manager wants you Hanbin, it’s clear as day.”

“What?” Hanbin laughed. “That’s ridiculous.” But Yeongjin was serious.

“Yeah and you’re the best judge of reading other people’s behaviour, aren’t you? Mr. I-ran-away-from-the-guy-I’m-now-living-with-multiple-times-because-I-was-so-fucking-awkward.”

“Oh my God, don’t bring that up again!” Hanbin cringed. “But are you for real? He’s like my Dad, or my older brother…he takes care of me and looks after me. He doesn’t want to _bang_ me. Why would you think that?” The idea was preposterous to him.

“In the same way I could tell you wanted me but were too scared to accept it, I can tell he wants you.” Yeongjin insisted, looking at Hanbin with absolute confidence. Hanbin shook his head and laughed it off. Yeongjin shrugged.

“He’s way older than me though.”

 “I’m also older than you, so fucking what? Managers fall for their hot, talented, clever, handsome clients all the time…I don’t know why you’re so surprised.”

“You’re crazy,” Hanbin attempted to laugh the whole discussion off.

“Yep, crazy for you,” Yeongjin growled, yanking Hanbin’s hips towards him suddenly to resume where they left off.

The dressing room suddenly opened and in walked Namkyu. He froze when he saw Hanbin backed up against the makeup table, Yeongjin standing over him with his hands on his hips, red marks on Hanbin’s neck, his flushed face. The room was saturated with a vibe that could only be described as “imminent sex.”

Hanbin pushed Yeongjin off who returned to the couch where he’d been sitting previously at a leisurely pace. He shot Namkyu an unconcerned, innocent smile before lighting another cigarette.

“You ready to go home now?” Namkyu asked Hanbin.

“Yeah sure, thanks Nam. We’ll pack up and be out in five...” Hanbin assured him as he began shoving his belongings into his backpack, his cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“I’ll wait for you here, we can leave together,” Namkyu replied dryly. He folded his arms and leant against the wall to watch Hanbin pack. Yeongjin snorted and both Hanbin and Namkyu looked at him.

“Nothing,” Yeongjin waved his hand dismissively, holding back a smile. But Hanbin knew what he was thinking. When Namkyu stopped to close and lock the door behind them as they left the room, Yeongjin looked over his shoulder as they kept walking down the corridor to check they were out of earshot.

“Told you so,” Yeongjin grinned. Hanbin shook his head.

 

***

 

Minjee was surprised when she saw Bobby as she opened her apartment door. He’d only left her house yesterday morning but he looked radically different. His sandy longish hair was gone. Now it was short, sleek and back to his natural black. It heightened how pale his skin was at the moment, his natural honied tone was muted and dull.  But he didn’t look depressed or sick, just as though he’d been spending plenty of time indoors. She actually though he looked incredibly handsome, very mature. There was also something more serious and composed about his whole vibe now. He was trying very hard to do something she could tell, she just couldn’t tell what.

“Hey ah, I just wanted to say something actually…” Bobby began as he followed Jee to her loungeroom, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand awkwardly.

“Yeah? What?” Minjee looked at him and his serious facial expression made her heart leap of her chest and bounce invisibly around the room. She tried to shut her racing thoughts down.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it you idiot. He’s not about to say anything like THAT. In your dreams Minjee, you Moron!_

“I’m really sorry how I’ve just been coming here and being such a downer, and dumping all this negativity on you and…well, I just want to say I’m sorry and it won’t happen anymore.” Bobby realised enough was enough. He felt terrible the way he’d been randomly showing up at Jee’s houses out of the blue but failing to message her or stay up to date with her in between his hysterical, depressing visits. It was wrong. Jee was his friend and it wasn’t fair he only saw her and spent time with her when he was sad, miserable and alone. She was better than that, she deserved more. So, he’d decided to compartmentalise his life. Now he had three mental boxes and he’d prioritised them in order of importance:

  1. The album
  2. Minjee and his family
  3. Hanbin and Yeong-jerk



He realised Minjee was frozen and staring at him.

“That won’t happen anymore?” She repeated in confusion. Bobby realised she’d misunderstood him.

“No, no. Like, I’m still coming round, _jeez_ , I’m not ditching you Jee! I just meant I’m not going to come around here crying anymore and freaking you out and stuff. I’m getting my shit together.”

“Oh.” Minjee’s stomach stopped heaving about like the ocean and her heartbeat slowed down. So he didn’t confess, but he wasn’t ditching her. What a roller-coaster. “So you’re feeling better about it all? You feel ready to move on?”

Bobby nodded sharply.

_Well hell, I gotta try Jee…_

“Ok” Minjee smiled feeling a swell of happiness take over her chest. This was the best news she’d had all week. Bobby was getting over whoever had broken his heart, that made her feel all kinds of hopeful things. “Well you don’t need to apologise, I’m here for you…in good times and bad times.”

“Yeah, but you never let me be there for you in your bad times, so we’re going to have to work on that.” Bobby gave her a lop-sided smile. Minjee snorted and rolled her eyes.

“But actually, I am going to be pretty busy for a while…” Bobby continued in a more serious tone. “I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on so it might be a while before I can come around again.” Minjee’s heart fell.

“Ok….”

“Yeah, maybe a few weeks or so…maybe more.” Bobby informed her.

“Why are you telling me this..?” Minjee asked suddenly feeling incredibly angry but not understanding why.

“Why?” Bobby replied in confusion. He didn’t understand why she was suddenly snappy.

“Yeah, like you don’t have to explain this stuff to me as if I’m an idiot…I know you’re busy, I know you’re famous.”

“I just wanted to tell you in person, that’s all!” Bobby replied defensively. Minjee rolled her eyes again and Bobby decided she was in one of her weird girl-moods.

“Ok, cool, well thanks for letting me know. I’ll see you when I see you then.” With that Minjee stormed off to the bathroom, shut the door behind her rather firmly, and seconds later Bobby heard the hiss of the shower turning on. He left her apartment feeling completely bewildered.

_What the hell was that?? Girls. Are. So. Strange. Damn! You try and be considerate and they get angry, you try not to be considerate because it annoys them, and they get angry! You can’t win! It’s a rigged system!_

Oh well, knowing Jee she’d be back to her normal self the next time her saw her. She was resilient like that.


	18. Truth or Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phobophobia
> 
> (n.) The fear of fear itself
> 
> Strikhedonia
> 
> (n.) the pleasure of being able to say "to hell with it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers,
> 
> Just some points to discuss.
> 
> Firstly, this chapter is a bit of an in between chapter, it's necessary for plot development though. I still hope you enjoy it even if it is a little bit slow. 
> 
> Secondly, I just want to normalise a few experiences readers may be having with the story:
> 
> 1\. This story is definitely mean to be frustrating at times, in the sense that the characters have done (and are going to) do stupid things. For some reason that's the type of story I like to write..?!
> 
> 2\. This story is SLOW. It takes it's time and does a lot of emotional unpacking. This is either your thing or it's not, I get it. But I won't be artificially speeding up the story anytime soon, sorry!! It's going to take some time for the characters learn and grow. It will happen though! That I can promise. Every problem I create in the story does have an outcome and is resolved by the end in one way or another (in ways I think everyone will find very satisfying). 
> 
> 3\. Feel free to criticise the characters all you like (Minjee for example, Yeongin, Double B, the boys, the mangers) go for it! I really don't mind, in fact I like it! But it is hard and a bit upsetting when the story and the plot itself is criticised. I don't expect everyone to like the story, and I know it might be disappointing to find the story is going in a direction you hadn't anticipate when you started reading, but please just be a little mindful of my feelings, thank you!!
> 
> 4\. Thank you for those who comment! I've nearly given up this story about ten times...actually no, 18 times (I tend to nearly give up after posting each new chapter because I am neurotic I guess) but whenever I do someone comments that they enjoy it and that makes me feel super warm and fuzzy. THANK YOU.
> 
> 5\. Please balance out this story with plenty of fluff....whether it is my fluffy stories or other amazing writer's fluff...just balance out the angst, plz. lol. I don't want to worry about anyone getting depressed. 
> 
> 6\. Its just a story and does not reflect how I think Double B are in REAL LIFE. NO WAY. So please don't let Double b being silly in this story get you down <3

It had been a long day in the studio and Bobby was mentally exhausted. He’d drained every word from his brain to create verses and strained his vocal chords rapping for hours to get the right tempo.  The producers were pushing him harder than ever to make up for lost time and he was doing his very best to rise to the challenge, as exhausting as it was.

So why then, _for christ’s sake_ , could he not sleep?? He checked his phone on the bedside table for the tenth time and read 01:30am. Feeling restless he reached over and grabbed Pooh who was lying forlornly on the other side of the bed. Hovering Pooh above him Bobby tried to make out at his wise worn-away face in the darkness. Eventually his eyes focussed, Pooh seemed to be giving him a fed-up expression.

_You can’t sleep because you’re trying too hard not to think about him. Idiot._

If only trying not to think about someone actually worked, Bobby mused. Clearly all it did was turn him into an insomniac because it had been like this for a week, ever since Diggy had confronted him about his absence in the studio.

The scolding he’d received had set him straight and grounded him, making him realise he’d been floating higher and higher away from reality and a sense of perspective for a while. It had taken someone outside the situation to make him realise how much of himself he’d been losing trying to bring Yeongjin down. He wasn’t normally a particularly vengeful or confrontational person, nor was he the type to stir up trouble for fun or hold grudges. But he could see now he had been turning into that person fast. He’d spent how many hours now stalking this skater when he should have been working on his solo debut? It was disturbing.

He could see now that he’d simply been projecting all the self loathing he felt about leaving Hanbin away from himself and onto Yeongjin. And it had worked because the time he spent hating on Yeongjin reduced the time and energy left over for hating himself.

The suspicious paranoid haze in his mind was finally clearing and now he was beginning to think everyone and the boys had been right – Maybe Yeongjin just wasn’t the evil person he wanted him to be. He had even gone so far as to consider alternative interpretations for everything he’d learnt about Yeongjin so far.

Maybe Yeongjin just didn’t like being online, that’s why there was nothing on him to find? Maybe he had several stalker fans and he’d had to do a cleanse to free himself of their hacking?

Maybe Chunghoon just got pissed Yeongjin dated his friend, Violet?  Did that make Yeongjin a bad friend? Maybe. Did it make him evil…well, not even nearly.

Maybe Violet left Seoul because she’d always dreamed of living in New York and the breakup happened to provide that opportunity?

Maybe she got sick of the fact she couldn’t have a legal tattoo business in South Korea?

Maybe Yeongjin and Violet only broke up because she decided to move her career to New York?

Maybe Chunghoon stopped being Yeongjin’s manager because he decided it was too much travel, maybe he met someone and wanted to settle down? Maybe the dude just really loved graphic design??

As for the beating he’d personally received at Yeongjin’s party…well maybe there was a good explanation for it and he should have met up with Yeongjin to accept his apology. But he wasn’t ready yet to go that far.

While he was coming to terms with his own paranoia surrounding Yeongjin, doing his best to try and not think about Hanbin was taking a silent, wearying toll on him.

His heartbreak had dimmed somewhat, not because he was less upset but because he had become used to it. His body had normalised the pangs of grief that began in his chest and trembled out across his body, now it had all just turned into a sad, monotonous numbness. He couldn’t experience genuine happiness, nor genuine despair. Just a cold, consistent emptiness, a passive kind of loss. Even food and drink tasted different, colours seemed less vivid, he was indifferent to textures. Only music remained untouched and the comfort it had always been. But even in the studio Hanbin wandered into his mind and again and again Bobby had to shake his head to refocus.

As Bobby sat up in bed feeling frustrated, it occurred to him that in shoving Hanbin out of his mind during the day he wasn’t exactly banishing him from his mind. Rather, he was just stalling the moment when Hanbin would come tumbling back in and he was too weak to fight.

And those moments of weakness inevitably came at night when he was tired, worn out, and lonely. They injected him with a horrid, manic, restlessness, leaving him tossing and turning until the dewy, pale blue light of morning came creeping into his room. He got through the days in the studio by drinking coffee and energy drinks and crossing his fingers he wouldn’t have a heart attack.

Sleep had always been an accurate barometer for Bobby’s emotional state. Unlike Hanbin who’d slept endlessly when stressed, Bobby had always been the opposite. He became a functional insomniac.

He told Diggy straight up he thought he thought he was developing stress insomnia and that little bit of honesty did wonders. 

“You take care, man. Work smart, not hard. Work for an hour or two, take a break. Come back, do it again. Don’t sit here for hours and hours on end of else your brain shuts down.”

Tonight Bobby had had enough. He couldn’t lie awake till early morning for the eighth day in a row, he just couldn’t. It was an exercise in futility, nothing more. He got dressed, dismayed by how awake he felt, grabbed his car keys and headed down to the underground carpark of his apartment block.

It was now 2am, whatever, he was going to go driving. He didn’t have many other options now that he was certain Jee was pissed off with him for some reason. She’d seen but hadn’t responded to his last few texts, random memes and viral baking clips and such. He didn’t have the energy to try and work that situation out. He’d try and swing by and treat her to something in a few week’s time to make up for whatever crime he’d unintentionally committed.

He drove around the dark streets of Seoul, observing with mild, distracted interest the lives and antics of the people who were still out and about late at night. There were the business men striding not so inconspicuously in and out of suspicious looking buildings; weary stallholders standing around waiting to sell steaming sweet potatoes to no one; tired women wearing nursing scrubs heading home as fast as they could; a few homeless people curled up here and there; a few randoms who were appeared to be walking about for the sake of it because they had nowhere else to be.

He wondered if they were like him - they couldn’t sleep because they were trying not to think about someone.

He stopped at some red lights and a group of guys and girls his age stumbled drunkenly across the road in front of him. They were all laughing and grabbing each other, all sharing some hilarious joke that to him looked like a joyful but incomprehensible pantomime from behind his car window screen. A feeling of miserable loneliness came over him as the boys wandered into his mind. But quickly enough pride reared its ugly head and chased them away.

Eventually after driving around for a while his foot began itching for the accelerator. His body was craving a hit of adrenaline, surely after that fatigue would follow? Impulsively he decided to head for the jetty where he’d had his revelation about Hanbin. Strangely enough the place hadn’t been tainted by the experience, he was curious to visit it again, to see if it was still ugly and beautiful at the same time.

He was relieved to find it was. He sat on the edge of the jetty, feet dangling off the edge over the black water, and watched the garish orange and yellow lights of the shipping port flash away.

At about 4am in the morning his backside had gone completely numb in the cold and he was finally feeling sleepy. As he got back into his car to start the long drive home he made the decision in a split second: He needed to make up with the boys. Asap.

This loneliness couldn’t go one now he’d come to his senses. It was time to cut his pride and apologise. He was going to feels stupid and guilty as fuck, but the simple fact of the matter was that he needed them. He wasn’t going to get through this alone. He would find a time to see them as soon as he could.

The whole drive home he felt warm and soft with hopefulness and joy. He couldn’t wait to see them.

 

***

 

“So, when did it start?” Yeongjin asked.

“Did what start?” Hanbin asked lazily. They were in a sectioned off lounge area in Osaka Airport, waiting to board for a flight to Shanghai, Hanbin’s next tour stop. Fans and the paparazzi were thankfully sectioned off a fair distance away.

He was tired but happy and too chilled out to fight Yeongjin’s pushy, investigative mood. Namkyu had gone to grab himself and Yeongjin a coffee, Hanbin hadn’t wanted anything that would prevent him sleeping on the plane.

“When did you become anxious?”

“Oh...” Hanbin sighed as he thought back in time, swinging his heavy legs onto the opposite chair to give his heels a rest. When was it?

Well, the thing was Hanbin had never really understood himself to be “anxious” or “highly-strung” even though he knew that was the way people often perceived him. He knew that his image as the forever stressed leader during WIN and Mix and Match had stuck to him hard, often interviewers liked to ask him questions about his “demanding” personality.

It was weird to be described that way because in his own mind his worries had never been imaginary, it wasn’t that he as a person liked being stressed or got stressed more easily than others. Hanbin had always argued that his worries were perfectly justified 90% of the time and people just didn’t understand how stressful it was to be a leader. As for the other 10% of the time…ok, maybe he was a little highly-strung, he could be intense, he knew that.

Had he been stressed, up-tight and prone to a sharp temper during the survival shows? Yep, for sure. Had he been known to lash out at others because he was overworked and frustrated? Certainly. But did he have good reason to be that way at the time? Fuck yes, and he would challenge anyone to go through what he had and to handle it with less stress.

But since being in a relationship with Yeongjin Hanbin had been thinking a lot more about his “anxiety.” It was dawning on Hanbin that maybe he actually was different to others in the way he coped with stress, especially now that he was with Yeongjin who didn’t experience anxiety in the slightest. Hanbin admired and resented Yeongjin’s abilities to let things go, to forget things had even happened, to look forward to each new day without fear or hesitation, because those abilities made him realise just how lacking they were in himself.

_Maybe I am anxious then? Maybe Yeongjin is how I should be…?_

When he thought about what made him feel uncomfortable these days, the list was longer than he ever remembered it being. He wondered too when exactly he’d turned into an easily flustered, negative-thinking old man.

Becoming essential support to Yeongjin in his skating career had also forced Hanbin to think more about his anxiety and whether it was actually a problem. It had been clear from early on that Yeongjin found Hanbin’s anxiety distracting and unnecessary at the skatepark. He’d been reminded of how much Yeongjin hated it the other night…

They’d arrived back at the hotel after Hanbin’s show in Tokyo and for some reason neither of them could sleep. They put it down to still both being on a high from Hanbin’s show, the energy had been unreal. Around midnight they’d decided to slip out of the hotel so Yeongjin could burn some energy skating and Hanbin thought some fresh air would do him good.

In a little back alley lit just around the corner from the hotel Yeongjin had practiced some tricks while Hanbin watched, stretching his legs and letting his breath fog in the chilly air. Yeongjin hadn’t been doing anything particularly challenging, only flat-ground tricks, but without even realising he was going it Hanbin started worrying the street wasn’t lit up well enough for Yeongjin to see what he was doing. Hanbin had worried a broken ankle was imminent. After one particularly nasty stumble Hanbin stood up abruptly and Yeongjin’s name left his mouth before he could stop himself.

“Yeongjin!” Yeongjin spun around thinking from Hanbin’s panicked tone he was being mugged or something.

“Hanbin!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Hanbin chuckled sheepishly, cursing himself internally for being such a worry-wart.

“Come on, don’t do that,” Yeongjin pleaded.

“I know, I know..” Hanbin smiled, relieved that Yeongjin wasn’t actually mad. He was laughing too.

“Your face!”

“What’s wrong with my face?” Hanbin demanded, touching his cold cheeks lightly with his equally cold fingers.

“I turn around and you look like you’re about to watch me kill myself and all I’m doing is a fucking ollie!”

“I’m sorry, I think I’m just really tired,” and with that Hanbin yawned, feeling silly for breaking Yeongjin’s concentration.  

“Of course you are, babe. Let’s go back inside. I’m stupid for keeping you out late like this.”

Back in bed Hanbin tried better to understand why Yeongjin found his nervousness so distracting.

“Does it really distract you that much? When I look worried when you’re skating?”

“Look, I know it seems pedantic,” Yeongjin sighed, “I know I seem like a fucking diva about it…but yeah it does…it’s like this..” Yeongjin rolled over onto his side in bed to face Hanbin. “Imagine if you were onstage performing, having a great time, feeling like you were killing it, seeing your audience loving every moment…but then you look out into the crowds and see me the front row and instead of cheering and singing along and having a good time, I’m sitting there, watching you, looking terrified.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to break my _neck_ by rapping too hard.” Hanbin protested with a laugh.

“Nah, that’s not what I mean. ‘Terrified’ as if any moment I’m expecting you to stuff up and make an ass of yourself. Would you really want me to be watching you do the thing you love looking miserable and full of doubt, like I don’t believe in you?”

“Yeah ok, I guess that would be kinda distracting…and weird…”

“You gotta get this anxiety under control, babe. I need you to be cool, chill, I don’t want to catch your nerves when the one thing I need is pure, crazy, death-wishing confidence,” Yeongjin laughed, smooshing a kiss onto Hanbin’s cheek.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt…I don’t want to see you in pain…what if you get an injury that will put you out of the competition!” Hanbin had always been an empathetic person, he’d always hated seeing Bobby get hurt and he’d never been able to hold back from displaying the horror on his face.

“Stop!” Yeongjin covered Hanbin’s mouth with his hand to stop more rambling worries from escaping. “Risk is the name of the game, confidence is the only thing that can get you through it safely. Let’s sleep.”

….back in the airport Hanbin realised gloomily it was that incident that had probably reminded Yeongjin of this whole unfortunate, confusing topic.

“Were you a nervous kid? Shy?” Yeongjin asked, obviously trying to build up broader picture of his mental decline. Hanbin smiled and shook his head.

“No, I was the opposite I guess, outgoing, curious and spoke easily to others, grew up as an only child surrounded by adults for a long time, thirteen years, so I was mature for my age, articulate.”

“Then you became a child star,” Yeongjin smiled, referring to Hanbin’s first claim to fame.

“It was fifteen minutes of fame,” Hanbin grinned, “but I guess I liked performing from a young age, it was my favourite thing to do. When I got on stage with MC I remember, even though I was so young at the time, I knew right then in that moment that it was the only thing I wanted to do with my life.”

“Was it during Win then that you changed?”

“Maybe,” Hanbin smiled bitterly. If there had been any moment in his life Hanbin had genuinely felt he had “suffered through” it would be WIN. 

It was the most stress he could ever remember being under and for such an extended period of time, it had been insane and left him with some serious mental and emotional scars. For the chance to debut he’d challenge himself in ways he’d never had to before, He’d had to freeze his heart against the Team A members who had been his friends and fellow trainees, find the courage within himself to push his own members to their breaking points, and to find within himself, again and again, the words, dance moves, and tracks to secure their win. None of his training at YG had prepared him for a survival show, nor had it prepared him for the crushing depression that had consumed him for months after their shattering loss.

“Maybe it wasn’t just WIN, but also after the show…those long, depressing months in which we didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. All we knew was that YG had promised to breakup our team and send us home if we didn’t prove ourselves.”

“Was it Mix and Match then?” Yeongjin suggested, watching Hanbin’s face closely.

“Maybe that too…I was pretty strung out during that time, that’s for sure. I was trying to save the original boys, get the new boys up to scratch, lead, produce, rap, choreograph…”

“…and then you did Show Me The Money half way through…”

“Since then, I have never juggled so many things at once,” Hanbin laughed bitterly, remembering the sheer exhaustion of that time in his life.

“What about your Dad and the scandals? What about when Bobby dumped you? Was that when it began?”

“I don’t think it was any one of those experiences alone, it’s just…I don’t know, all of those things combined. All I know is that I’ve learned some hard lessons about life and getting what you want. Working hard helps you get what you want, but it doesn’t guarantee it. Having passion helps you get what you want, but also doesn’t guarantee it. Knowing the right people helps you get what you want, but still doesn’t guarantee it.”

“What does then?” Yeongjin smiled curiously

“It’s all three aligning, mixed in with a heavy dose of good luck.” Hanbin grinned. “You can control three of those, but the luck part…no one can control that. I think that’s what freaks me out. There’s this uncontrollable factor to everything in life...”

“You know what I think about you and your worrying?” Yeongjin began in the thoughtful tone of someone who’d just worked out something complicated. “It wasn’t that you started suddenly worrying, it was that somewhere along the way you forgot to live in the moment. You know, keep the past in the past, the future in the future? For years you were always worrying about what was going to happen next: would you win? Would you debut? Would you be successful?”

Hanbin shrugged, he didn’t know. Maybe Yeongjin was right, maybe that was what he was doing wrong, not living in the moment…?

“And how do I do that? Live in the moment more?” Hanbin demanded. He couldn’t help feeling annoyed. Surely it had to be difficult if he hadn’t already worked it out, after all he wasn’t an idiot. But he was already sure that Yeongjin was going to say something very obvious, something everyone (particularly Bobby) had already told him.

_You need to relax more_

_Just stop worrying_

_Quit over thinking everything_

_Don’t be so negative_

_Think positively!_

“You need to think less, act more.” Yeongjin informed him. Hanbin snorted nervously, already concerned by the trajectory of Yeongjin’s new theory.

“And how the hell do I do that without ruining my career?”

“What I mean is…you need to _live in the moment_ by taking more risks, practicing what it feels like to forget the past or future...”

“Again, how do I do that without ruining my career?” Hanbin replied cynically.

“Nam, I have a question for you.” Yeongjin announced as Hanbin’s manager reappeared bearing two huge coffees. He handed one to Yeongjin who offered to repay him but Namkyu declined with a brisk shake of the head.

“Yep?” Namkyu replied, settling into the seat next to Hanbin and blowing over his drink to cool it down. He was regretting not having bought the drink earlier, he wasn’t sure he was going to finish it before they had to board.

“Don’t you think Hanbin needs to live in the moment more?” Yeongjin asked without a hint of irony.

It was a daring question considering in Namkyu’s mind “living in the moment” had most recently taken the form of an out of control house party and  Yeongjinletting slip about their relationship to the public. However, despite the exasperation Namkyu had felt towards Yeongjin at times, seemingly like everyone else in Yeongjin’s life, he couldn’t remain immune to his charms forever. Namkyu still hadn’t quite worked Yeongjin out, but he did know the guy wasn’t malicious and seeing the way he made the usually lethargic Hanbin happy and energised on tour made Namkyu quick to forgive his impulsivity.

In fact, they had had even taken to ganging up together to tease and roast Hanbin to kill time. Today he was in one of those moods to play along.

“I’ve been telling him that since I began working with him, he doesn’t listen though.” Yeongjin shot a gleefully satisfied look at Hanbin. Hanbin rolled his eyes. Namkyu clearly didn’t understand just how far Yeongjin could stretch the meaning of “living in the moment.”

“I do! I’m living in the moment right now!” Hanbin protested. “I’m focussing on feeling sleepy and I think I’m going to go to sleep! Right now.” Stubbornly Hanbin pulled his beanie down over his eyes and crossed his arms.

When they were on the plane, settling in for the flight Hanbin could tell Yeongjin felt more vindicated than ever in his theory now that even Namkyu had agreed. Yeongjin took Hanbin’s hand to get his attention.

“I don’t want you to be anxious and live waiting for bad things to happen any moment. I want to face your fears, do things outside your comfort zone, things that will shock your anxious self. I want to see you lose control.” Yeongjin’s words were terrifying yet strangely sexy to Hanbin. They sent a thrill all the way through his body, almost like an eruption of goosebumps.

Maybe it was because he found Yeongjin incredibly hot when he was assertive, but maybe also because the promise of freedom behind his words was actually incredibly tempting.

There had been a conflicting force within Hanbin since first meeting Yeongjin. One part of him longed more than anything to lose control, to not give a fuck, to stop caring, to let go; while the other feared doing so more than anything else in the world and saw danger around every corner.

It was temping to believe that in the company of someone fearless, maybe he too could become fearless; that in the company of someone who seemed to escape all consequences, maybe he could too. It was a kind of freedom that Hanbin wanted but almost didn’t believe was possible, but Yeongjin seemed so sure…

“Let’s make a pact.” Yeongjin held out his hand for Hanbin to clasp. Hanbin raised his eyebrows, staring at his hand suspiciously.

“What kind of pact?”

“Come on, you told me you want to lose your fear, you want me to help you. That’s what I’m going to do.”

“So what, a ‘fear pact?’” Hanbin queried, nervous and excited at the same time. His stomach fluttered and his heart rate went up a notch. 

“Sure, we can call it that.” Yeongin smirked.

“Oh god, what’s it going to involve…is it going to be like truth or dare??” Hanbin groaned. He definitely felt nervous now. He knew for sure there was going to be a big a difference between playing truth and dare with the boys and playing it with Yeongjin. With Yeongjin it was going to be crazy, hot and sexual from the get go. But as the anxiety rose in his stomach he realised this was exactly the reason why Yeongjin wanted him to agree to the pact, so he could live in the moment. A sudden stubbornness to defeat his newly identified “anxiety” overcame him.

“For the next…let’s say….two months, I am going to randomly and without warning give you challenges. Little one’s here and there. Some will be fun, some will freak you out.”

“Ok,” Hanbin laughed, not sure how seriously to take Yeongjin.

“But all of them are going to be designed to do one thing…remove your inhibitions, those voices you’ve got inside you that scream at you to run away from even the smallest of risks.”

“Come on, what are you going to make me do?” Hanbin demanded. “Do you want me to get in trouble again??”

“Ok, let’s set some rules then, how about that?” Yeongjin conceded as Hanbin nodded determinedly. “What is an absolute no-go for you?”

“No drugs.” Yeongjin looked disappointed but he nodded slowly, understanding why Hanbin couldn’t afford a drug bust, even if it involved something as low-grade as weed.

“Anything else?”

“No…not that I can think of. Can I think about it and get back to you within 14 working business days??”

“No!” Yeongjin cracked up. “Look…I will also made a promise to you about your safety, ok?”

“Go on…”

“I promise, and you can trust this -  because at heart we’re all selfish beings who want to protect what they love and I am fucking crazy about you and can’t live without you – I will not dare you to do anything that is life threatening or likely to harm your physical or mental health. This is about testing living in the moment, not destroying you in order to do that.”

“Oh fuck….I don’t know about this…” Hanbin rubbed his face with his hands.

“Come on, it’s going to be fun,” Yeongjin asserted, holding up his hand for Hanbin to grasp. “And you want to lose your fears don’t you??”

“Am I really that anxious??

“If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for me. Do it so I can count of you when you come to the States with me and watch me compete for the season.” Hanbin stared and Yeongin smiled. “Yep, I want you to come to the states with me, for the whole comp season. March through to September.”

While Hanbin had promised to go to Tampa with Yeongjin they hadn’t actually discussed yet if Hanbin was going to join Yeongjin for the entire season, simply because they both knew Hanbin’s commitments in Seoul were so demanding. But the fact Yeongjin was now asking him to be with him, for each competition, for the whole season…it meant a lot to Hanbin, he wanted to be that person for Yeongjin. And if that was what he was going to do…then he was really going to have to get his shit together and get this anxiety under control. Yeongjin needed him.

“Ok, ok, ok, fine,” Hanbin chuckled nervously as Yeongjin winked at him. They clasped hands and before letting go Yeongjin kissed the back of his hand.

“After all, don’t you trust me?”

“I do.” Hanbin replied, and he meant it. If there was anyone he was going to take risks with for the sake of improving himself, it was going to be with Yeongjin, the boldest and luckiest person he knew.

 

***

 

Yunhyuk, who was still the boys beloved manager, was surprised to receive the call from Bobby just as the boys raced from the waiting room all dressed up, ready to jump onstage.

“Bobby? How are you!”

“I’m good man, I’m good. Can you come let me in? I’m outside at the security entrance?”

“For sure! I’ll be down in a second! The boys will be thrilled to see you.”

It wasn’t Yunhyuk’s place to pry, but he’d suspected something had been going on between the boys and Bobby, or more accurately, that nothing was going on. They hadn’t mentioned Bobby for a while and he usually popped up in conversation all the time, considering he knew that the boys and he were constantly messaging each other. He’d wondered what could have happened but at the same time he knew the boys well enough to know they’d all patch things up eventually without needing an intervention. They were brothers after all.

Yunhyuk greeted Bobby warmly and took him to join the rest of the staff who were all gathered in the boy’s spacious waiting room. They too greeted Bobby like family and cleared space for him to sit comfortably and watch the boy’s charity concert on the screen.

Feeling nervous and sheepish but also desperately excited to see the boys again, Bobby inspected the contents of the room that gave away the boy’s presence: Yunhyeong’s spare nivea chapsticks lay on a dressing table, Junhoe’s classic black coat slung over the back of a chair, Jinhwan’s adorably small converse sat by the dressing tables,  Chanwoo’s snacks were piled in the corner of a sofa. Bobby noted with a pang of guilt and affection the headphones he’d given Donghyuk last year for his birthday on the table nearby.

Bobby watched the boy’s perform, affectionately laughing and cringing along as they went about their usual antics. As always they were fantastic, just when Bobby didn’t think their vocals could get any stronger they did. And of course they were complete hoes with the fans, Bobby smirked wishing he was out there with them. When the show wrapped up and the concert hall erupted into applause it only took a minute before Bobby could hear the boy’s joking voices echo down the corridor.

He took a deep breath as the waiting room door opened and in walked the boys. As they set eyes on him they froze. Not realising everyone had stopped Chanwoo walked straight into Junhoe who then stumbled forwards into Jinhwan.

“Bobby!” Donghyuk cried as he raced past Jinhwan to pick him up and swing him around. Bobby laughed and squirmed, trying to get his feet back on the ground. The other boys looked on with surprised, tentatively happy expressions on their faces. Finally released from Donghyuk’s fervent embrace Bobby stood awkwardly and faced the boys.

“Hey guys…I came to…well I came to say I’m really sorry for…”

“Let’s forget it, don’t worry, we’re just happy to see you,” Jinhwan smiled shakily, looking like he was about to burst into tears. He walked up and hugged him tightly. Bobby was relieved but he also felt the need to apologise properly.

“No, but I just want to say that…I was kind of losing the plot a few weeks ago, and I get why you didn’t quite follow me, and what I was saying about...you know, Yeongjin..”

“Don’t worry, you’ve been going through a hard time,” Yunhyeong smiled, wrapping an arm around Bobby’s shoulders and beaming at him. “Let’s go for dinner!  Let’s go to my parent’s place, it’s just around the corner!” The boys made excited noises in agreement and as Bobby regarded each of their relieved, excited faces his heart swelled with a happiness he hadn’t felt for what seemed like a long, long, time.

“Yes food!” Bobby smiled, there was nothing that brought them all together quite like eating, sharing and feeding each other tasty food.  He’d been stupid to ignore them for so long, what a fool he’d been.

The boys began changing out of their sweaty concert clothes and soon the room was full of laughter and their usual camaraderie as they roasted and complimented each other’s performances, Bobby happily joining in.

When it was time to leave they filed through the door one by one after their manager, Bobby bringing up the rear with Junhoe.

“Can you not do that again? We missed you,” Junhoe informed him gruffly as he held the door so Bobby could pass though. Bobby held back a shy smile. That coming from June was basically the equivalent of “I love you” and those were as rare as the rarest pokemon.

 

***

 

When Hanbin and Yeongjin had been invited out to enjoy Shanghai’s night life by a Chinese Produer who happened to know YG from the 90s, they both been expecting a night of clubbing and drinks. However, they found themselves seated at a table in an incredibly lavish five star restaurant talking about economics with the producer, his much younger girlfriend and several other mid-range Chinese celebrities with whom they could barely communicate.

When everyone was busy looking at their plates and eating Hanbin mouthed a “sorry” to Yeongjin who subtly shook his head and smirked as if to say “don’t worry!”

 Not usually for the clubbing scene Hanbin had started enjoying it more now he didn’t have to worry about accepting or fending off romantic advances. He’d also become more open to clubbing after noticing Yeongjin was getting a little restless on tour.

It was clear to Hanbin that Yeongjin hadn’t expected being on tour to involve so much waiting around. That was what a lot of people didn’t realise about being a celebrity. How much time was spent in between places, making connection between cities, waiting for planes, trains, cars. How much time went into organising stages before rehearsals could even begin. How once the stage was half finished another rehearsal took place. How when the stage was finally finished yet another rehearsal took place. Being a performer was actually whole lot of work and mundanity for just a few hours of fun and games.

Yeongjin, who was used to being free as a bird and skating wherever he pleased for at least six hours every day, was only able to snatch skating time every now and again, his friends meeting up with him as often as they could to help him film skating parts in interesting locations around whatever city they happened to be in.

He didn’t complain or said a word about the slow moments of the tour, he genuinely seemed to also enjoy himself a lot of the time. But he reminded Hanbin of a caged up Cheetah, saving his energy but looking for the right moment to let loose and sprint. Every night of his tour in China Hanbin had received invites from various musical and venue associates, asking him to visit certain bars and clubs and shops that would benefit from his appearance and noticing the pent-up energy radiating from Yeongjin as he paced around their hotel rooms, Hanbin decided to be a bit more adventurous for his sake.

For the last three nights Hanbin and Yeongjin had been out and about in the most glamorous bars and clubs Shanghai could provide and that was what they’d been expecting tonight as well. But as the producer started talking about Taiwanese market fluctuations Hanbin had to work very hard to keep up with the conversation.

“Excuse me for a moment,” Yeongjin announced out of the blue before standing up and walking off. Shortly after Hanbin’s phone buzzed. As subtly as he could he checked his phone and read a message from Yeongjin.

_Come I’m outside_

Hanbin waited for a polite break in the conversation before also excusing himself. Outside the restaurant Yeongjin was smoking and talking to the doorman. Hanbin smiled, Yeongjin never had to initiate conversation with others, random people just started talking to him no matter where they went. It was also typical of Yeongjin to get along better with a doorman than cultural elitists, he didn’t buy into pretentiousness much at all.

“Hey,” Yeongjin smiled at him as he dropped his cigarette and crushed it out with his foot.

“Are you ok?” Hanbin asked.

“Yeah, I’m great.” Yeongjin smiled in a strange false way.

“Really? You sure? Because…I’m kinda…”

“Bored?” Yeongjin snickered. Hanbin nodded and they both burst into laughter.

“Fuck, I wanted to die I was so bored,” Hanbin moaned as they both retentered the restaurant and made their way back to the large dining room.

“I know right, _fuck_.” Yeongjin muttered, “Can we just go clubbing already? Why are they boring us with talk about the economy?”

“No, we can’t be rude…”

“Ok fine, but how about we kill some time then?” Yeongjin suddenly grabbed his hand and pulled him down a dark adjacent corridor. After a few metres Yeongjin backed him against the wall and took his face in his hands, his lips hovered over his, brushing them with enticing gentleness. Yeongjin’s leg slipped down hard against his crotch and his intentions became perfectly clear.

“What is it with you and banging in public places?” Hanbin scolded with difficulty, Yeongjin’s eyes become hypnotic when he was in the mood, they gripped him somewhere inside and made him weak and needy.

“I like it,” Yeongjin spoke breathily, Hanbin heard desire catching in his throat and his own skyrocketed. “I like the rush, I like seeing you freaking out about getting caught but loving every minute of it, I like getting away with it.”

“Come on, they’re waiting for us, wondering where the hell we went.”

“We need to be quick then,” Yeongjin chuckled throatily. “Anyway, this isn’t up for debate, I _dare_ you. Our pact remember?” Hanbin had been waiting and waiting for Yeongjin to present him with his first dare, and here it was.

Without another word Yeongjin tugged open the door to the male bathrooms, pulling Hanbin, breathless and turned on  right behind him.

From the very first night Hanbin had first had sex with Yeongjin he’d determined that it wasn’t any better or worse than the sex he’d had with Jiwon, it was just different, like comparing apples and oranges.

Sex with Jiwon had had a playfulness to it that only years of friendship and having shared a living space could enable. They’d scrambled around in bed together like puppies, wrestling, laughing and joking in a sexy, silly, tender way. There was no judgement, so shame, they were just too familiar with each other to be self-conscious. They’d been able to laugh off anything: hilariously difficult new positions, awkward bodily functions, accidental injuries, and falling out of bed…

Hanbin realised now that although he’d definitely begun to take it for granted in the last few years they were together, it was those moments that had made the sex so good, so nice. They could be silly and slip back into a passionate rhythm without a hint of awkwardness.

But there was one thing sex with Yeongjin gave him that he hadn’t realised he’d been craving while with Jiwon. Yeongjin pushed his limits and his boundaries, he was rougher with him than Jiwon had ever been. Even in their most passionate moments Jiwon had rarely pulled his hair, held him down, bitten him, slapped him or scratched all the way down his back the way Yeongjin did, and if he did it was by accident and he would immediately apologise with a kiss and take it down a notch.

Sex with Yeongjin was intense, for sure, and often afterwards Hanbin felt dazed and wasted, sometimes sore. But there was something about it which Hanbin realised he needed, more so than he liked. There was an catharsis about it and that addictive sense of release was only heightened by how tender Yeongjin was with him afterwards.  The soft kisses and caresses, the gentle adoring words, the way he worshipped his body. It was like a balm to a wound and it was deeply satisfying in a way Hanbin had never expected he’d enjoy.

Up until now in this bathroom in this fancy restaurant in Shanghai, Hanbin hadn’t really considered Yeongjin kinky. He’d just understood Yeongjin to be very good at being bad. But now, that Yeongjin taking him bent over on the cold hard marble sink of a fancy restaurant bathroom, he realised he’d been incredibly naïve. He could tell Yeongjin loved the risk factor and it had definitely been a theme in their sex from the start.

Years of discipline, worrying about his image, worrying about others and their skills, worrying about deadlines and being the person the fans expected him to be had built up a kind of rebelliousness inside him. And in moments like this Yeongjin was able to untap that rebelliousness in ways no one else had been able to, not even Bobby.

Hanbin’s cheek was banging hard again and again into the mirror, but he barely felt it because Yeongjin was going harder and harder, and of course, like he always did, he was hitting the spot that never failed to send Hanbin into oblivion.

And that was what Hanbin wanted: oblivion. He wanted to be in that space where nothing mattered, except the contact of two bodies chasing the exact same high, thinking abut nothing but that current moment. The past was gone, the future was irrelevant. He was purely in the moment - just as Yeongjin promised it was possible for him - and he loved every second of it.

Afterwards, still draped over the classy marble basin, Hanbin was certain he’d actually passed out for a few moments.

“Don’t touch me,” Hanbin groaned, he was as tingly and raw all over as a giant nerve-ending. Everything felt too much, even Yeongjin’s slightest caress. Yeongjin burst into laughter and Hanbin could hear satisfaction in every note.

“Come on, we need to get back to our friends.”

“This fucking pact,” Hanbin muttered, limping gingerely towards the door. When they both stepped out of the bathroom there were two rather conservative looking business men waiting outside. Avoiding eye contact Yeongjin kept his cool as he walked past them, Hanbin on the other hand was internally screaming. Had they heard anything?? Their faces had definitely been shocked. Did they recognise them as celebrities??

“I’m never going to let you forget this, ever,” Yeongjin whispered into his ear as they finally headed back to the table. “Btw, you need to come up with an excuse for our fifteen minute long absence. I _dare_ you to make it a good one.”

Yup, Hanbin thought to himself, this pact he'd made with Yeongjin was going to get wild indeed. Good thing it made him feel so alive.  

 

***

 

They were at their last stop of the tour, Singapore, when Hanbin approached Namkyu and told him his plans to join Yeongjin the states till September. Namkyu was in his room reading emails when Hanbin’s classic knock came on the door.

“Come in!” Namkyu didn’t exactly know why but he had a strange feeling Hanbin was going to tell him something and he wasn’t going to like it. It had been a while since he and Hanbin had talked one on one because wherever Hanbin went Yeongjin was sure to follow. The two were inseparable. Hanbin sat down on the edge of his bed looking like he was mulling something over.

“What’s up?”

“Do you reckon I can go on a holiday for a bit? When this is over?”

“How long is “a bit”? Namkyu asked as he continued typing an email regarding tour finances to the CEO.

“You know how I’m going to Florida next week with Yeongjin? Well I was originally going to just stay for the competition, but I’m thinking now I want to stay over there for the whole season, till September.” Namkyu looked at Hanbin in surprise, he didn’t know what to say.

He had personally noticed subtle but small changes in Hanbin’s energy over the tour, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He’d also noticed the change in energy between Hanbin and Yeongjin. Whereas before they had always been touchy and feely with each other, somewhere on the tour, maybe after Tokyo or their clubbing spree in Shanghai, there was now a secretive, intense, magnetic force between them.

He’d found himself keeping more and more of distance as the tour had gone on just because they were exhausting to be around. Whenever Namkyu was around them he felt slightly uncomfortable, like he was intruding on a special connection, something only lovers shared. They were retreating subtly from everyone, disappearing into their own, secretive little world. They’d also taken to halting their conversation whenever he came into the room, obviously changing topics to one’s more suitable for his presence, as well as going out at night just the two of them. Namkyu had wondered more than once whether they were actually getting up to what they said they were getting up to. It was hard managing grown adults who were entitled to privacy and autonomy, hard and worrying.

Namkyu wasn’t one to be unprofessional and judge his client’s sexuality or their sexual preferences but he’d increasingly been noticing scratches and hickies on Hanbin’s skin with a combination of amusement and bewilderment.

 “Um…?” Namkyu had begun pointing at the section of Hanbin’s bare back with concern. Hanbin had slipped off his shirt only to reveal rows of sore looking scratches all the way from the top of his shoulders to down under his jeans. Hanbin had blushed and quickly pulled his concert clothes.

 “You know what…never mind.” Namkyu muttered shaking his head, “I don’t want to know.”

As he regarded Hanbin sitting on the edge of his bed waiting for a response a protectiveness came over him. He noted Hanbin was looking rather pale and tired, but he seemed happy, free, cocky even. He wondered if he was seeing things or if Hanbin’s eyes were slightly manic.

“It’s not up to me whether you can or not,” he shrugged, “you’ll need to ask your CEO.”

“I know that, I’m just wondering whether you think…it’s a good idea or not.” Namkyu wondered why Hanbin was asking him, he hadn’t asked him for his opinion on something like this before. Leaving work for more than a day had never been an option for the Hanbin he knew.

“Well ok, if you really want my opinion – no, I don’t think you should go away that long. That’s a long hiatus for where you are at with your career.”

Taken aback by his managers bluntness Hanbin couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice.

“Why? What’s wrong? I’m not going on tour again this the end of this year and I can fly back for any important awards shows?”

“I just don’t think you should be away from your friends and family for that long.”

“My parents and sister are going to be in the states. As for my friends, I’m apart from them most of the time already.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Namkyu replied hesitantly.

“What do you mean then?” Hanbin replied snappishly, feeling like a rebellious teenager challenging his father's authority. He was annoyed with himself he’d asked Namkyu in the first place, why did he need his approval? “Wait, is this about Yeongjin? I thought you liked him now? You two get along!”

“I barely know Yeongjin,” Namkyu shrugged. Hanbin scoffed.

“Why does everything think he’s a bad guy?”

“I don’t think he’s a bad guy,” Namkyu denied.

“Then why don’t you trust him?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust Yeongjin, Hanbin. I don’t trust you…or should I say I don’t trust _you_ with _him_.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Hanbin laughed mockingly.

“I don’t know…” Namkyu sighed, this conversation was not going the way he wanted it to. Hanbin wasn’t prepared to discuss Yeongjin’s shortcomings at all and now he was at risk of pushing Hanbin away further than he already was. 

“That’s ridiculous, I’m sorry Nam, but it is,” Hanbin scorned, feeling sour and angry. Yeongjin’s suggestions about Nam’s attraction to him suddenly crossed his mind and held him frozen in morbid suspicion. But the moment passed in a flash and suddenly he didn’t see anything in Namkyu’s face that suggested he wanted him in that way after all. 

The tense moment was interrupted by Yeongjin entering the room, loudly whistling one of Hanbin’s songs.

“You told him yet??” Yeongjin beamed, slinging an arm around Hanbin’s shoulders and nodding towards Namkyu. “He’s coming with me to the U.S!” Yeongjin said almost laughing with excitement. He pressed his face into the side of Hanbin’s face, nuzzling him with unapologetic affection.

“Yeah he did. He’s going to have to check with his CEO if that will be possible though.”Namkyu grunted.

“It will be, for sure,” Yeongjin beamed, completely unfazed. “This guy can get away with anything!”

Namkyu didn’t say anything, he just returned to his emails but he could feel Hanbin’s hurt face scanning his for answers.


	19. The Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entelechy
> 
> (n.) The realisation of potential.
> 
>  
> 
> peripeteia
> 
> (n.) A sudden turn of events or an unexpected reversal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super duper sorry it took me so long to finish this. I've been so busy :S 
> 
> Here is a small blog post explaining my schedule, feel free to read it if you like, it's not particularly important though: https://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1245786
> 
> Enjoy xxx

The first few days following Hanbin and his manager’s talk about going on holiday had been slightly awkward. Namkyu stayed his usual organised, calm and productive self, but Hanbin could tell he was thinking over what they’d spoken about. He just hoped he would come around and understand it was really what he wanted to do and that he was ready to make such a commitment to another person.

Three days later in Hanbin’s hotel room in Bangkok Namkyu sat down in front of him and showed him a revised schedule for the rest of the year.

“Have a look at this, tell me what you think.” Hanbin held back a surprised smile and took the laptop handed to him. He was touched Namkyu had been working hard without even letting him know.

“I’ve shuffled things around for you to give you a hypothetical new plan for the rest of the year. But don’t get too attached to it just yet because only your chairman and the board can approve this…”

“It looks good!” Hanbin nodded happily, seeing how Namkyu had colour-coded all his events and appearances for the rest of year under several categories: can cancel, can reschedule, can’t reschedule, can’t cancel.

“There’s only two things left to do now. One, you need to speak to YG personally, and two, I need to speak to Yeongjin’s manager to coordinate your schedules.”

“You wanna talk to my manager?” Yeongjin asked, surprising Hanbin and Namkyu. They’d thought he’d been dozing, stretched out contentedly on the king-size bed behind them.

“Yes, that would be good,” Namkyu replied delicately, he was feeling uncertain about Yeongjin again but trying not to let it show for Hanbin’s sake.

“Go ahead, you can talk to him right now,” Yeongjin smiled over at his friend Teddy who was slouched on a lounge on the other side of the spacious room.

Teddy had swung by because out of luck his return flight home from London, where he’d been for some unknown reason, had involved a stop-over in Bangkok, which happened to sync up with Hanbin’s tour.

Teddy had apparently come by to see Yeongjin but Habnin wasn’t sure why he’d bothered because as usual the surly, cynical man was sitting in his own world, eyes glued to his phone, looking rather bored by everything going on around him. Yeongjin had greeted him with a raucous noise and hug but Teddy replied to his questions and chit chat with unenthusiastic grunts.

Hanbin and Namkyu exchanged a surprised look. It hadn’t occurred to either of them that Teddy was Yeongin’s elusive manager.

 “ _You’re_ his manager?” Hanbin was a bit disappointed, he wasn’t sure he liked Teddy all that much and he strongly believed Yeongin deserved a Namkyu of his own.

“Of that nutcase? Unfortunately, yes,” Teddy replied without looking up. Yeongjin laughed and hurled a shoe at him from across the room.

“Ok…” Namkyu was struggling to process the news, “well let’s talk schedules now if you have time,” he suggested, whipping out his phone. He wasn’t sure this Teddy was quite up to YG managerial standards, but he had no choice but to work with him so he was going to make the best of it.

Teddy sighed heavily and reluctantly put his phone away. Yeongjin rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a loser, what do I even pay you for?” Yeongjin taunted his manager as he ambled past.

“Fuck you,” Teddy replied without missing a beat, pulling Yeongjin’s beanie down hard over his eyes.

Namkyu and Hanbin exchanged a glance.

 

***

 

“So, what was it you wanted to talk about?” YG asked Hanbin now that they were seated comfortably at YG’s favourite fancy Japanese restaurant.

As soon as Hanbin’s tour had wrapped up he’d organised to speak to YG about his plans to go overseas with Yeongjin, and YG being YG had suggested they catch up more informally, after all weren’t they more colleagues these days than anything?

Hanbin had felt a flash of something like irony at being called a “colleague” by the guy who still held his career in his hands, but he was also grateful YG treated him as an adult now, it gave him hope that he would respect his decision…

YG looked at him across the table expectantly, sitting back relaxed in his chair, while he collected thoughts, he wanted to speak carefully. It wasn’t that he was scared of YG, he hadn’t been for years now, it was more that he needed to get the delicate balance right between “informing” YG of his already set plans and “asking for permission” to go through with them.  

“I’d like to take some time off. I want a holiday.” Hanbin announced, deciding to go the direct and upfront route. YG raised his eyebrows in surprise but nodded. He waited for the waiter to finish serving their sake before giving a verbal response.

“This is the first time since I met you when you thirteen years old that you have asked me for a holiday.” YG smiled and Hanbin did too. “Never once have you requested a holiday, let alone a day off. I always had to force you to take them...or they happened due to unfortunate circumstances.”

“Does it seem like I am breaking character?” Hanbin asked jokingly. It was true, he’d never asked for time off as a leader, not even when he desperately, frantically needed it. Instead he’d battled through things by gritting his teeth and living in a permanent state of mild to severe exhaustion.

“I’m getting déjà vu,” YG chuckled, “Jiyong was the same, never asked for a day off until _finally_ he did and that was just before he…” YG paused, before deciding not to continue his train of thought.

“Before he what?” Hanbin asked, his curiosity making him forget for a second not to be pushy with his boss. YG frowned.

“He took some time off and then had something of an existential breakdown…but that isn’t for me to talk about, ask him yourself sometime. And I’m not saying that will happen to you. But, tell me, are you happy? Are you satisfied with your career?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Hanbin assured his boss, “To be honest I’m not asking for a break because I’m unhappy, I want a break because I’m the happiest I have been in a long time and I want to take this opportunity to live life a little bit more. I feel like I’ve spent so many years inside studios and following schedules, and I don’t regret it a minute of it, but I just want to see some of the world, try new things, live differently for a while. That’s all.”

“And you want to be with your boyfriend.” YG smiled cutting through Hanbin’s motivational spiel.

“That too I guess…” Hanbin blushed. It was weird talking about his love life with YG, too weird. He tried to find a way to change the subject but he was too slow and YG continued.

“I’m not going to lie, I was hoping working with Jiwon during _Fast Forward_ would bring you two together again.” Hanbin flinched. Did YG mean what he thought he meant?

“You mean you wanted us to get..” Hanbin stuttered.

“I wanted you two to repair your friendship, yes.” YG looked at him seriously.

_Oh._

Hanbin didn’t know what to say, he honestly hadn’t been thinking of Bobby for a while now, and when he did it just got him all irritated. He and Yeongjin had tried reaching out to Bobby for several weeks wanting to apologise about what happened at their party but he hadn’t replied to a single message or call. Hanbin had finally given up in a huff and focussed on his tour and being happy with Yeongjin.

Also Yeongjin’s loyalty and adoration had only re-intensified the anger he felt towards Bobby for leaving him when he did at such a low point in his career, just when everything important to him seemed to have fallen apart at once. What a dick move that had been, how cowardly and selfish…

Now he had decided to go overseas he had even less time to worry about Bobby, there was just so much organising to do.

Hanbin and Yeongjin decided they would spend most of their time based in L.A. Not only was it in Yeongjin’s opinion the home of the best street skating facilities in the world but because it was the location of the Grand final.

“Always play for the long game,” Yeongjin had explained to him with a wink. Hanbin smiled, he loved that Yeongjin had no doubt he’d make it to the grand final, it was just a given. His confidence was so attractive it was ridiculous.

At the end of March they’d fly to Tampa for the first competition then return to Los Angeles. In May they’d fly to Munich for the first stage of the world tour, Barcelona in June, Chicago in August, then return to Los Angeles for the Grand Final in September.  

Like two excited kids planning an epic sleepover, they’d spent the last few nights of Hanbin’s tour taking a break from clubbing and being wild, opting instead to snuggle up together in hotel beds to scope out properties for rent in all Yeongjin’s various tour locations.  

“It did bring us together _professionally_ …” Hanbin added, seeing YG’s concern, “But I can’t say that we’re friends….” Disappointment flashed across YG’s face and Hanbin continued quickly, “…yet.” Hanbin decided the night he needed to curry favour with YG wasn’t the night to be telling him he didn’t feel motivated to have anything to do with Bobby ever again.

“Enough about that,” YG decided, “how long do you want to this break to be?”

“I was hoping to return in October, but my family may want me to stay over in the States while I’m there to celebrate my birthday with me, so probably return early November?”

YG nodded thoughtfully and to Hanbin’s relief he seemed ok with it, he could tell by the way YG continued eating contentedly.

“Ok,” YG concluded with a smile, selecting a piece of meat and placing it on Hanbin’s plate for him like a father. “And when you come back we can talk about another album. How about that?”

“Sounds great, thank you.”

“As long as you’re happy Hanbin, that’s the main thing. I know you can make good music when you’re miserable, I’ve seen you do it time and time again, but I don’t want that for you. I want you to have both: to make good music _and_ be happy.” YG smiled, raising his glass of sake as a toast.

“Thank you, Sir, I appreciate that.” Hanbin raised his glass and clinked it against YG’s.

 

***

 

It was a huge relief to Hanbin to know that YG was on his side about his holiday. However, the next step would be to tell the boys and Hanbin knew their response was going to be difficult and guilt-inducing to say the least.

He knew there was no way he was going to prevent the boys from feeling abandoned, it was inevitable. He was their leader, their main songwriter and music arranger, he was their guiding light and the one who made everything work even if he was harsh and perfectionistic. He gave the vocal line support night and day on demand, he never said no, he never missed a call regarding work.

They were going to be worried and disappointed he was going for so long and it made his stomach churn guiltily, but not enough to make him reconsider his decision.

When the hiatus had first begun over two years ago, Jinhwan and Junhoe the movie buffs, had begun hosting movie nights at their place at least once every three weeks for the six of them. Although they had always had dinner with Hanbin at least once a week, their movie nights were different and special, something sacred.

They all arrived at the Junhwan’s apartment at 6pm, chatted and joked around as they waited for the tonnes of food they ordered to arrive, then squished onto the couches and pillows layered on the floor to watch whatever drama, indie romance or comedy that had been picked out for them. Jinhwan sat in Junhoe’s lap like a small fluffy cat while Yunhyeong always tried his luck cuddling up to Hanbin who could never help indulging his ahjussi admirer. Donghyuk and Chanwoo usually shared the same beanbag, taking control of the food distribution.

These movie nights were important for the boys as it wasn’t just another excuse for them to see each other regularly, it was a way for them to recreate the intimacy of the dormitory days that were long gone. If the movie was long and their schedules the next day permitted, they would often end up sleeping there overnight and having breakfast together the next day. For one night and morning it felt like the old days when they had been with each other all the time, 24/7.

Those nights had also been especially important for Hanbin during the months Bobby had been away in L.A. All the boys remembered those dark months post the break-up, how frail, lost and depressed Hanbin had been, how reclusive he’d become, how self-hating he’d been. But Hanbin had always managed to smile during their movie nights and often the boys thought if they hadn’t had those times Hanbin wouldn’t have smiled at all.

But since Hanbin had gotten with Yeongjin the vocal line had slowly come to accept that the movie nights would also have to go on hiatus too, just like everything else in their lives right now.

Tonight was the first time in months Hanbin was free, thankfully because now his tour was complete. Hanbin just felt bad that he was going to have to use it as an opportunity to break the news to them.

“What??” You’re going overseas till September??” Yunhyeong cried, grabbing him by the arm as if he was already dissolving into thin air. Hanbin kept calm, he’d anticipated Yunhyeong’s dramatic response.

“Why so long?” Junhoe complained, looking put out. Hanbin had also expected Junhoe’s grumpy resistance. He was, after all, the member least comfortable with change. Hanbin remembered how devastated he’d been when Bobby had gone to L.A. According to Jinhwan, Junhoe had refused to sing anything but tragic ballads for weeks after.

“Well that’s Yeongjin’s schedule, it goes to September and I’m going to support him,” Hanbin explained patiently. He felt like a dad informing his children he was going away for business, trying to reassure them he would be back.

He felt bad but he also had no doubt the boys could cope without him, they had been doing such a good job at touring without him as the vocal line for so long already. He genuinely believed in them and that even if they struggled at first they would grow into his absence just fine.

“He needs me to be there. I’m his ‘lucky charm’” Hanbin smiled, struggling to keep the pride out of his voice. Chanwoo sniggered at Hanbin’s corniness which made them all laugh. Hanbin gave him a warning look but also ended up smiling.

“Is this what you really want to do?” Donghyuk asked softly, making Hanbin wince. He knew what Donghyuk was really saying was _why don’t you need us as much as we need you?_ But it wasn’t about that…he needed them to understand that.

“It is what I really want to do…I want to have new experiences, I want to see new places, try different things…and I want to be a good boyfriend to Yeongjin, he’s given me so much, I want to give something back…”

The boys nodded and then they fell silent for a while. Hanbin didn’t interrupt as he knew they were all processing the news and that it could take some time.

There was a buzz at the door – the food had arrived – and suddenly everyone seemed ok again, or at least they were putting on a brave face so as not to derail the rest of the movie night. Yunhyeong and Junhoe went downstairs to retrieve the food while the others began setting up the loungeroom.

Jinhwan remained quiet though even once the boys began noisily serving themselves and each other food.

“You ok?” Hanbin asked, sitting down next Jinhwan who was looking fragile on the couch.

“I’m worried about you’re going so long,” Jinhwan admitted taking the bowl Hanbin offered him, “What am I going to do without you?”

“What do you mean??” Hanbin protested, wrapping an arm snugly around Jinhwan’s shoulders. “You’ve been doing a great job leading the boys, just keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t even _need_ me.”

“That’s not true, you’ve given me loads of help and advice along the way…” Jinhwan muttered, trying to hide how shaken he was by Hanbin’s news. He had been used to prioritising Hanbin’s happiness for the last two years simply because the guy had been such a wreck after losing Bobby. But now he was torn between his own self-interest and Hanbin’s.

He didn’t want Hanbin to leave South Korea, it felt wrong, it felt overwhelming, it felt like being abandoned because Hanbin was the leader and being in a different time zone he was going to make it hard for Jinhwan to contact him if there was an emergency let alone to chat if he just needed a boost. He and Hanbin had always had almost daily calls during busy times for the vocal-line, they kept Jinhwan grounded and focussed when he found being a leader overwhelming. He didn’t want to lose that but knew it was inevitable if Hanbin was going to be overseas for that long…Hanbin could be shocking at staying in touch when he was distracted…

But at the same time Jinhwan didn’t feel he could tell Hanbin no, after all the guy did deserve a holiday, he worked so hard. And hadn’t they all been telling Hanbin he needed to put himself first for years?

“Oh, come on, I’ve given you a few tips here and there, but you know the vocal line just as well as I do, perhaps even more being a vocalist yourself. And I’ve written you guys plenty of songs and arrangements to keep you going for a long time.” Jinhwan chewed his bottom lip still looking put-out. There was something on his mind but he couldn’t say it, he couldn’t tell anyone.

“Yeah but now you’re not going to be in the country I’m losing my most effective trump card,” He joked.

“What do you mean?” Hanbin smiled.

“Whenever they’re pissing me off and not listening I threaten to get you to come yell at them. That’s the only thing that works, they stopped responding to my tears of frustration years ago. Now I can’t do that because you’re going to be flippin’ overseas.” Jinhwan grumbled. Hanbin laughed and pulled Jinhwan’s shoulders tighter.

“Just put me on the phone and I’ll yell at them alright? Come on, don’t be silly, you’re a terrific leader and you don’t really need me.”

“We’ll see…” Jinhwan sighed nervously.

“Come visit me, all of you.” Hanbin told the boys who’d returned from the kitchen with alcohol and for the movie. “The house we’re renting in L.A. is incredible. You should all come stay with us we have plenty of room! Talk to Yunhyuk about it, he’ll think it’s a great idea, you guys need a holiday too.”

The boys were so excited by the idea that they talked over the first twenty minutes of the movie while Hanbin smiled happily, distracting himself from the guilt he felt towards Jinhwan.

“I bet your family was happy to hear you’re going over there?” Jinhwan asked, presenting Hanbin with his best brave smile.

“Yeah they were, Hanbyul is super keen for me to see her school, it’s really cute..”

“That’s nice, I’m happy for you. I’m really happy for you.” Jinhwan patted Hanbin’s knee but it only made his stomach shrivel.

“You’re going to be ok Jinhwan without me, really.” Hanbin assured him, trying to reassure himself just as much.

Jinhwan didn’t reply, he just nodded. His focus was now on the movie.

 

***

 

One of the hardest parts of actually leaving Seoul had been saying goodbye to Namkyu who’d come to the airport to see him off.

“Bye Bin,” Namkyu gave him a long firm hug . Hanbin was relieved they were leaving on good terms and hugged his manager back just as tightly.

“Don’t forget me, I’ll be back in September and I don’t want anyone but you to manage me, ok? So you need to be free! Don’t let YG sign up to anyone else!” Hanbin gave Namkyu a shake to emphasise his point.

“I’m still your manager, silly. You’re just taking a break. I’m still going to be messaging you from time to time about your schedule, as sparse as it is. _So don’t you forget to reply to me!_ ”

“Ok, ok I won’t, I promise,” Hanbin smiled.

“Just take care of yourself ok? I know Teddy will be keeping an eye on you as well as Yeongjin – well I _hope_ he will be because I asked him to – but remember, being in a different country doesn’t make your reputation in this one void. Don’t do anything over there you wouldn’t do here in Korea.”

“Come on, what do you think I’m going to do?” Hanbin demanded teasingly.

“I have no idea. You tell me. You’re very unpredictable these days,” Namkyu replied a little too seriously for Hanbin’s liking. He quickly changed the tone of conversation.

“Come visit ok?”

“Ok,” Namkyu smiled, even though they both knew that wasn’t going to happen. Something told Namkyu that Hanbin was going to be very forgetful in America with Yeongjin, and as he waved goodbye to Hanbin who followed Yeongjin through the security check-in gates he felt a lump rise in his throat.

 

***

 

It was strange to Hanbin how time moved in short stops and long lunges, because suddenly he was stepping out of a cab onto the front drive of their new L.A. home. The air was hot and dry, cicadas clicked away incessantly in the background and hot gravel crunched underneath his sneakers.

The driveway that led up to the house was framed by spiky desert plants and palm trees and Hanbin smiled because it couldn’t get anymore L.A. than this.

They ended up choosing a place in Glendale Los Angeles, a suburb they’d chosen for its excellent location, surrounded by local skateparks and freeways to the rest of the city.

“This is it, our home till September!” Yeongjin grinned sleepily as he aggressively stretched his entire body into a c-shape. They were both exhausted from their long flight from Seoul.

“It’s even cooler than in the pictures,” Hanbin noted approvingly. Yeongjin nodded in agreement and pulled Hanbin into a tight embrace.

“Come on, let’s go inside, it’s fucking hot out here.” Yeongjin grabbed some of their suitcases and headed inside.

Hanbin took his time to survey the house before following Yeongjin indoors, he just couldn’t get over how cool it was, it appealed his insatiable curiosity for different cultures and love of the past.

The house was a single-storey, mid-century property set into the back of the dry and dusty yet majestic Verdugo mountains. It was made mostly of glass windows which gave views out across the valley and had angular design features that gave the house a very cool, retro vibe.

The interior was spacious and combined both modern and vintage elements. Their main bedroom was huge, almost as big as a rehearsal room, and full of light from the wall-length windows on both sides. A pool full of sparkling acqua water surrounded by palm trees lay outside the back of the house, Hanbin stared it through one of the glass walls of their bedroom.

“You know what? I like this house better than yours.” Hanbin announced happily, his palms splayed on the warm glass.

“What?” Yeongjin quipped. “No way, my house is sexier and you know it.”

“Not everything has to be sexy all the time you know,” Hanbin teased, pushing away Yeongjin’s face which had appeared at his neck.

“Yes, it does,” Yeongjin replied, tackling Hanbin around the waist with a sneaky laugh. They tumbled onto the bed and wrestled for a moment they always did before things turned rough for real, giggling like kids, calling each other stupid names, dirty talking and rolling around in each other’s arms both trying to get the upper hand. Hanbin ended up on top straddling Yeongjin, his hair mussed up and his heart racing. From the way Yeongjin stopped fighting and just stared at him with intense eyes Hanbin knew he must be looking very attractive in the honeyed light of the bedroom.

With their eyes locked Yeongjjin slipped one of his large hands up under hanbin’s shirt, his fingers gliding over his stomach muscles in a way that made each of them twitch and jump in excitement. His hand slid back down over the now very tight crotch of Hanbin’s jeans and squeezed.

“Go on.” Yeongjin drawled, his eyes fixed pointedly on that part of Hanbin’s body.

“What? You mean you want to watch me?” Hanbin asked with a flush spreading from his cheeks, down his neck, down to his belly. He could feel himself melting slowly and luxuriously under Yeongjin’s command.

“Yeah, that’s right, I want to watch you jerk off.” Yeongjin rested his hands behind his head with a hungry smirk ready for Hanbin’s performance, but Hanbin hesitated. He’d never this for anyone before, not without them joining him or it becoming mutual or something. It felt hot but also dangerously vulnerable, like something Yeongjin could hold over him and never let him forget.  Something he could use to punish him.

“We don’t even curtains though,” Hanbin protested weakly, nodding towards the wide, wall-length window.”

“And?”

“Someone might see?”

“And?”

“You’re such a _pervert_ ,” Hanbin informed him.

“And?” Yeongjin smirked, tugging at Hanbin’s belt. “Come on, I _dare_ you.” Yeongjin commanded and with that sexy, scary, liberating word Hanbin began undoing his jeans.

 

***

 

Hanbin had left the country to be with Yeongjin in L.A.?

_Of course._

Nothing could surprise Bobby now, his heart had already been beaten to a pulp. He had given up.

At the time the boys had been surprised by Bobby’s calm reaction when they’d told him.  He’d accepted the news with a defeated shrug and simply turned back to his computer. But a few days later Donghyuk had gotten a call from Bobby at 3am in the morning.

“I’ve fucked up man.” Bobby’s voice came slurring down the phone line.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” Donghyuk asked in a thick voice, his concern rapidly pulling him out of his sleepy state.  

“I don’t even know, man…and I’ve lost my wallet,” Bobby laughed. But then the laugh turned into a strange gurgling sound and Donghyuk realised he was crying.

It turned out Bobby hadn’t been ok, he’d just needed to finish writing a song first and then he’d allowed himself a breakdown. To numb the unbearable sadness he’d decided to treat himself to a “single drink,” in other words a solo drinking session in a dodgy bar that would last till after midnight and help him finally sleep properly.

However his session hadn’t gone according to plan. He got into a drunken argument with the D.J. who insisted on playing several of Hanbin’s songs even when he asked him not and was escorted from the bar.

Then he was somewhere in a part of the city he didn’t know well, and then he realised he must have dropped his wallet somewhere on the way out of the club, and then he was lost, and then he was sad and drunk and alone and cold and just wanted to go home.

“Turn on your phone’s location, hyung,” Donghyuk sighed, “I’ll come get you.” He found Bobby lying down on a dirty street curb took him home to his place to stay the night.

Donghyuk had been expecting a full-blown relapse after that, but to his surprise and relief Bobby woke up early the next day and was out the door by 9am, back in the studio, as if nothing had happened.  

Bobby resumed his intense work schedule as it had been before, taking time off only to go to the gym and see the boys and his family. He didn’t mention Hanbin to them and they were careful not to bring him up in conversation either. From the outside it seemed Bobby was holding it together.

But little did the boys know that Bobby could have sworn the streets of Seoul felt different now that Hanbin was no longer in the country, they felt emptier, darker, pointless.

Little did they know that every time he went into his studio he was now retreating into a dream world where the love he felt for Hanbin still had a place to exist and to be expressed. He wrote song after song trying to re-capture the feelings of pure innocent love they’d once shared. For a second, just a moment each day, he needed to relive how in love he had been with Hanbin, and how Hanbin had been with him.

 

 _Swimming_ __  
Alone in my room  
Swimming  
In the studio  
Swimming  
Here in my arms  
Swimming

 

And little did they knew that Bobby wasn’t accidentally getting himself into trouble when he got drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was punishing himself for having let Hanbin go.

 

***

 

For the first week in L.A. Hanbin didn’t leave the house. Somewhere along the way, probably because of his excitement about going overseas, he’d completely forgotten about the language barrier.

Feeling overwhelmed he stayed in when Yeongjin went out to skate or to go to the gym and studied English phrases and pronunciation from Youtube videos. He decided he wasn’t going to get into any difficult situations until he had perfected the basics. But when Yeongjin realised that was all he was doing with his time he’d kicked him out of the house with just his wallet and phone, “daring” him not to come home till he’d explored something at least 5 kilometres away.

Dazed and indecisive Hanbin had somehow managed to drive his way to through the crazy L.A. traffic to Santa Monica pier using his Korean-speaking GPS. frazzled by the intensity of changing lanes, switching freeways and getting lost several times, he walked along the honey coloured sand of the beach with bare feet to calm down. He loved the landscape so much he stayed till night fell and Yeongjin called him worried, asking where he was.

Yeongjin ended up joining him and they rode the ferris wheel at the theme park as the sun set. They walked back to the car sharing a cloud of fairy floss, enjoying the sight of the fairground lit up with pink and purple fairy lights. As they walked Yeongjin took off his jacket and gave it to Hanbin, leaving his hand on the back of his neck protectively, humming one of his songs.

After he’d accomplished his Santa Monica adventure Hanbin found leaving the house again easier and although he still suffered from anxiety and awkwardness whenever he needed speak English to ask for directions or to buy things, his confidence travelling around by himself increased. He began to enjoy waking up late and impulsively deciding where to go and what to explore next.

He also had little difficulty travelling around by himself because Yeongjin had struck a deal with the few paparazzi belonging to Korean pop culture media outlets who tried to follow them around: they could take one photo of them together once a day and then leave them alone. So far, the rule had been obeyed and Hanbin found himself able to explore L.A. without too much hassle. If anything, Yeongjin was now the subject of attention as he immersed himself more and more in the public eye leading up to the beginning of the season. Teddy, who had his own place nearby, came by almost every day to pick up Yeongjin take him to interviews with magazines and radio stations, public appearances, signings and shoots. In between those events Yeongjin skated and worked out as much as he could.

Hanbin joined Yeongjin in the evenings at whatever skatepark he was at and joined his steadily growing audience of fellow skaters and admirers. But other than supporting Yeongjin in the evenings Hanbin was free to spend his days as he wished. Being relatively anonymous and in such a different environment heightened his sense of starting anew, he started feeling the freedom he’d anticipated when he’d agreed to follow Yeongjin to America, it was liberating.

He bought a polaroid camera and with innocent happiness and a complete lack of self-consciousness he started driving around L.A. to take pictures of things that caught his attention: Neon lights, symmetrical boulevards, funky graffiti, campy shop signs, suburban streets straight from American movies,  glorious sunsets, rolling barren mountain ranges. He also filmed his visits to new locations and returned home to make short edited videos to send the boys. He kept his Instagram account up to date and often took fan recommendations to eat at certain restaurants, visit certain shops, and to go to certain places for nice views and walks.

He fell in love with the vintage record player and vinyl collection located in the spacious study of their rented house. He spent hours inside on hot days flicking through the cardboard covers in the alphabetised drawers, deciding which album to listen to all the way through. Often Yeongjin came home in afternoon to find Hanbin lying on the floor with his eyes closed, his legs up on the sofa, singing along to Motown tracks.

“Having fun, babe?” Yeongjin would ask him with a smile, gratefully accepting the glass of cold lemonade Hanbin had just made for him.

“I like this, I like being here with you. I feel so free,” Hanbin replied, resting his head in Yeongjin’s lap.

“I knew you would, you deserve to feel free, you deserve everything,” Yeongjin replied, stroking Hanbin’s eyebrows.

Hanbin also started writing in his notebook more often, wanting to make a study of life, capturing new realisations and thoughts as they occurred to him. He and Yeongjin often swam after dinner in the pool and to dry off they climbed up onto the flat roof of the house to wait for the stars to come out. Sometimes Hanbin took his notebook up there and read to yeongjin what he’d written that day by the light of the sunset.

_Trying not to care is the hardest thing in the world_

_But trying to care when you don’t is even harder_

_Every struggle becomes relative in the face of genuine happiness_

 

***

 

As Tamp Pro approached, more and more of Yeongjin’s friends and fellow skaters began pouring into L.A., also wanting to take advantage of the cities facilities before the comp. Soon Hanbin was meeting more new people than he could keep track of, something which he’d never found easy even though he was a good actor and could put on a brave face.

They came from all over the world and when they strolled into their house carrying their skateboards they greeted Yeongjin as if they were long lost brothers. Some of Yeongjin’s friends were also professional skaters and Hanbin could tell from the sports cars they pulled up in that they were highly successful. Others were friends of professional skaters, some were the girlfriends of the skaters, some were groupies, some were social climbers, some were there just because they were tagging on. Yeongjin refused to turn away anyone from his house, no matter what time they arrived. Hanbin often fell asleep leaning against Yeongjin as he and a bunch of his friends sat around the pool drinking into the early morning.

Yeongjin and his fellow skaters spoke explosive, loud, slang to each other and Hanbin sometimes felt his brain frying from the strain of trying to follow along. Yeongjin introduced him to everyone but he often forgot to translate for Hanbin as the conversations went on. Hanbin stayed awkwardly quiet, catching words here and there and making mental notes to look up words later. At first Yeongjin’s friends were interested in the fact he was a rapper and all of them were perfectly relaxed and nice to him, but Hanbin knew he didn’t look like the typical rapper they were expecting. He was no Jay Park.

The one friend Hanbin could manage to hold a conversation with was a Japanese skater called Yuto who was also going to be competing in Tampa Pro. Yuto realised who he was quickly and he was a pretty nice guy, but they had little in common so Hanbin found it hard to maintain a conversation with him in broken Japanese longer than fifteen minutes.

Sometimes Yeongjin’s friends dropped by only to pick Hanbin and Yeongjin up to take them to a location around the city where there was a particular jump, set of stairs, or particularly tricky railing. Hanbin watched as they spent hours trying to land a particular trick, sometimes biting his nails, worried Yeongjin would hurt himself before the comp even started. Whenever Yeongjin looked his way he stopped though and made his face a blank slate, removing even the slightest trace of emotion.

He didn’t want Yeongjin to think their fear pact wasn’t working, because that wasn’t the case.

The one reason Hanbin believed he was coping with meeting all these new people so often and spending so much time with them was because he had a new secret weapon.

In between Hanbin’s quiet moments exploring L.A. by himself, hanging out with Yeongjin, or watching him skate, his time was punctuated by moments of adrenaline, or “dares.” Yeongjin definitely hadn’t forgotten their pact, if anything he had escalated their x-rated risk taking.

There has been the time Yeongjin dared Hanbin to give him head as he sped down the 1-10 freeway at 100 km an hour. Hanbin had done it.

There had been the time Yeongjin had dragged him out of bed at 3am and driven out to deserted Hansen Dam skatepark. Yeongjin dared Hanbin to let him eat him out right there in the middle of the park. Hanbin had accepted.

They had been in bed when Yeongjin confessed he wanted something from Hanbin he hadn’t asked for before. He dared Hanbin to choke him. Hanbin did it, his fingers trembling from exertion around Yeongjin’s tattooed neck as Yeongjin gasped in ecstasy.

Even though it alarmed Hanbin that he’d some of these things, sometimes he even felt dirty, he also felt like they gave him a special kind of kudos. Sure, he might seem shy and could hardly speak English, sure he wasn’t as ‘cool’ and outgoing as these loud, boisterous skaters, sure he didn’t want to throw himself down a flight of stairs at full speed, sure he didn’t have the kind of aura these Americans expected him to have as a rapper, but little did these people know what he’d done last night, little did they know what he was capable of.

He held onto what he and Yeongjin did together as a reminder that they didn’t really know who he was and that was ok. He didn’t need them to approve of him. He didn’t need them to like him, and it was the first time in a long time he’d felt so weightless and free.

 

***

 

“We’re going to an important party tomorrow night.” Yeongjin informed him before taking a massive bite of his dripping cheeseburger. They were in a classic American style diner, a real corny one stuffed to the brim with Californian memorabilia.

Hanbin looked at Yeongjin in surprise, he didn’t think Yeongjin would want to get involved in anything too wild so close to the first competition. They were flying to Tampa in just three days. The competition was two days after that.

“What kind of party? Why’s it important?”

“A _wild_ one,” Yeongjin smiled knowingly, “and it’s important because the guy who’s hosting it is my biggest rival.”

“Really…you want to go?” Hanbin queried uncertainly. He didn’t like to baby Yeongjin when the guy was so on top of his training schedule, it would be patronising. Yeongjin knew his own limits, surely. But he also remembered his managers words…

_….being in a different country doesn’t make your reputation in this one void. Don’t do anything over there you wouldn’t do here in South Korea…_

He gulped, wondering whether or not to express his concerns about his reputation to Yeongjin or not.

“Everyone who’s important in the skating world is going to be there, I have to go, and anyway, it will be fun.” Yeongjin informed him.

“So, your rival, what’s he like?”

“What do I think about Huston? _Meh_ ,” Yeongjin shrugged with a smile, putting down his burger to wipe his hands. “He can shred though, and he’s way younger than me, so that’s an advantage...”

“Is it really going to be intense though, this party?” Hanbin asked trying to keep the concern from his voice. It didn’t work and Yeongjin shot him a tired look.

“It’ll be fine, and don’t worry, Daddy isn’t here anymore to scold you!” Yeongjin was referring to Namkyu who he’d started calling ‘Daddy,’ and Hanbin knew Yeongjin didn’t just mean it as a protective term, it was sexual.

“Come on, I told you not to call him that,” Hanbin grimaced even though he knew Yeongjin was mostly just joking.

“The party will be fine,” Yeongjin assured him, “If you let yourself, you might even have a good time. How about that?!” Yeongjin teased him sarcastically.

When they arrived at the palatial Hollywood property the next evening twenty sports cars sat outside and the house itself was almost vibrating from how loud the hip hop was blaring inside.

Feeling nervous Hanbin followed Yeongjin inside the huge foyer swamped with people and immediately bumped into Yuto who took a moment to recognise him, his eyes were red and hazy. By the time he did Hanbin had lost sight of Yeongjin. Leaving Yuto where he was Hanbin braced himself and entered the room containing the main party.

It was a swarming, hysterical, drunken rave. looking up all the balcony of the next floor all Hanbin could see was endless people dancing, acting like idiots and grinding on each other. Someone shoved a drink into his hand and despite his intolerance to alcohol he drank it gratefully and then chased it up quickly with a second and third, not sure he was going to get through the night any other way.

He imagined what the boys would think knowing he was here at a party like this – impossible they’d say.

After some time tipsily bobbing his head to the music next to Yeongjin who had found him again,  a drunken skater wrapped an arm around him and swept him off down a hallway along with several other people yelling something in English Hanbin didn’t understand and didn’t like the sound of. He escaped and found himself in a huge, crowded and extremely messy kitchen. Spotting him a girl wearing a tiny string bikini held out a large plate covered in large, unevenly cooked brownies.

“Wanna brownie??” She asked in a flirtatious manner. Hanbin didn’t recognise the word spoken in such a broad Californian accent.

“Sorry?”

“Brownies!”

“Brow-nees?” Hanbin repeated in confusion.

“BROWNIES! HERE, JUST HAVE ONE!” The girl shoved a brownie into his hand and took off. Because he didn’t know what else to do or where to put it, and also because he’d been too nervous to eat before the party and now he was hungry, Hanbin took a bite of the rich, fudgy square. It was surprisingly good. He wandered back out to the loungeroom whilst eating, becoming increasingly aware of how his feet seemed to have a mind of their own. He was definitely drunk and everything was beginning to happen in a dream-like haze. He realised he was beginning to do the one thing he wasn’t supposed to at a risky party like this: relax.

Someone caught his hand – it was Yeongjin again – he dragged him outside to a huge garden containing a pool. Joining about twenty other people Hanbin and Yeongjin jumped into the pool with their clothes on and quickly lost each other again.

As Hanbin leant against the side of the pool and brushed his sopping hair out of his eyes, he felt a strange sensation come over him, a pressure building up in his head. Feeling uneasy he waded through crowded water, trying to find Yeongjin.

There was loud noise and then someone began an announcement that Hanbin didn’t understand. But then about thirty girls wearing only white t-shirts and biniki bottoms raced out of the house each carrying a bucket of water and he realised a wet t-shirt competition was about to begin. A loud raucous cheering and hooting began.

He didn’t want to take part and heaved himself clumsily out of the pool to head inside, his soaking clothes holding him down like a set of weights. As he was unsteadily ringing out his shirt into a garden bed, he was hit by a wave of nausea and had to lean against the wall to steady himself. Strange colours flooded his eyes and every time he moved his head he saw double of everything. He started laughing but nothing was funny at all. He felt bored, lonely, happy, lost, and relaxed all at once. It was overwhelming and a sense of impending doom began to bear down upon him. He wanted to go home, he wished the boys were here, they’d know what to do, they’d take him away and calm him down, they wouldn’t judge him.

Beginning to wonder anxiously if he was having some kind of medical episode he staggered his way up the stairs of the mansion through the crowds to a bathroom wanting some peace and quiet to regain control over his body.

For a reason that made perfect sense at the time, he climbed into a huge marble bathtub and closed his eyes in relief.  It felt better now he didn’t have to feel the ground surging beneath his feet. Now all he had to do was stay calm and not flip-out, not give in to the sense of doom. At first he felt cold, he’d lost his shirt, he must have left it in the garden, and his jeans and sneakers were still soaking wet. But then at some point, he didn’t notice when exactly, he must have either passed out or fallen asleep.

When he came to someone was pulling him out of the bathtub into their arms – it was Yeongjin talking to him in a soft low voice – Hanbin groaned feeling like he was about to throw up, he felt shocking, limp and anxious at the same time.

“Hey babe, sorry to disturb your little nap, but we gotta get out of here, the cops are coming…”

Hanbin felt his body fly through the air and then he was draped over Yeongjin’s shoulder and being taken downstairs. He protested weakly, the motion was making his stomach heave all over the place, he retched once or twice but managed to stop himself throwing up all over Yeongjin.

He was in a car for an indistinguishable amount of time and then before he knew it he was being stripped by yeongjin and pushed into a freezing cold blast of water which made him jump. Yeongjin undressed and stepped into the shower after him, holding him firmly so he didn’t fall over.

“What’s wrong with me?” Hanbin mumbled into Yeongjin’s chest which he was leaning into for support. He was violently shivering all over. “Am I dying?? I think I’m sick, something’s really wrong...”

“You’re not dying, but I think you might have taken something you shouldn’t have…” Yeongjin chuckled calmly, lathering soap into Hanbin’s hair.

“Really??” Hanbin froze. “Like what??”

“Did you accept any suspicious looking pills from anyone?”

“No way.”

“Hmm…maybe you ingested something by accident…because it can’t be alcohol alone doing this to you…you only had three drinks, I saw you. Did you eat anything by chance?”

 “I ate a chocolate cake thing…it was like a brownie…” Hanbin had completely forgotten that till now.  Yeongjin groaned.

“I think you must have eaten a weed brownie, you idiot...” Yeongjin kissed the top of his clean head affectionately and scooped him up in a big fluffy towel. “They love weed here in California…”

“What? Am I high _?”_ Hanbin asked feeling dazed. Yeongjin grabbed his face and peered into his eyes.

“Yep, I see it now. You’re _Really_ fucking high. I’m just going to put you in bed, you need to sleep it off.”

“Oh my god…Namkyu will kill me.”

“What Namkyu doesn’t know won’t hurt him!” Yeongjin laughed, drying off Hanbin in their bedroom and helping him pull on some boxers. “But thank fuck we’re not in South Korea right now, that’s all I have to say. And thank fuck I got you out of that party just as the cops were turning up…lucky we escaped via the back door huh?”

Hanbin didn’t know what to make of that new information, he’d think about it later, it was too nerve-wracking to think of now. He curled up in bed in foetal position, still shivering all over from the cold and nausea. His stomach felt like a tidal pool, constantly going in and out, in and out.

“Why do people take this?? I feel terrible…,” Hanbin complained agitatedly.

“Yeah that’s because you don’t normally drink or do drugs and you’re a total lightweight. Last night you had three drinks and ate a brownie stuffed with weed all on an empty stomach…you completely overdid it you dumbie…” yeongjin snorted. “but question.. did you like it at first? When the brownie first kicked in?” Yeongjin’s joking tone had turned serious.

Hanbin stared at Yeongjin through bloodshot eyes, getting at what he was asking.

“Because if you did…drugs have been used for thousands of years to induce states of creativity. Don’t you want to at least try that, the right way I mean? Just to see what the hype is about?”

“Fuck no,” Hanbin groaned and curled up in bed even tighter.

“Don’t you want magical inspiration?” Yeongjin laughed.

“My brain is magical enough as it is,” Hanbin replied. Yeongjin shurgged and Hanbin continued, “No seriously, you know I can’t do that…I can’t.”

“Yeah but you’re overseas, the media isn’t stalking you and Daddy isn’t here...what’s stopping you?”

“look it’s not just about not wanting to get into trouble. I don’t want to…get into a habit of relying on drugs for creativity. I want my brain to be good enough sober.”

“Ok, suit yourself.” Yeongjin seemed satisfied with that comment and dropped the topic which Hanbin was glad about because he was pretty sure he was about to crash asleep.

 

***

 

On the way from Tampa International Airport to their hotel room, Hanbin and Yeongjin sat next to each other in the back of the transfer car, Teddy sat in the front seat next to the driver, looking surly and bored as normal.

In two days time Yeongjin would be competing in the first event of the season. If he came first he could walk away from it with a free pass to the Grand Final. Competing in the other events till then would just be for fun and for the love of competing. Hanbin was there to support him in the way Yeongjin needed – simply to believe in him.

They admired the view of Old Tampa bay from the car window as they drove down down the highway. Hanbin couldn’t wait to have a day at the beach. He’d only been in L.A. for three weeks but the beach had really grown on him, he tried to go every day.

Billboards lined the side of the highway and Hanbin and Yeongjin noticed a particularly bright one at the same time. Hanbin felt Yeongjin twitch next to him.  

“No.” Hanbin ordered, “Don’t even.” He knew already that billboard had given Yeongjin a brand new risk-taking idea.

“We should.” Yeongjin smiled wickedly.

“No fucking way,” Hanbin shook his head.

“Come on!” Yeongjin laughed.

“No!”

“You know what I’m going to say….”

“Don’t. _Don’t_ , please no,” Hanbin whined, covering his ears with his hands and closing his eyes in case Yeongjin tried to communicate via sign language.

“…I _dare_ you!” Yeongjin ordered, managing to pry Hanbin’s hands away from his ears enough to be heard. Hanbin slumped in defeat.  

“Oh god, here we go…”

The next day Hanbin was clutching Yeongjin’s hand as their small aircraft soared higher and higher above Tampa Bay. Hanbin could barely move let alone look out the window, but Yeongjin was cackling joyously like a madman, ready to jump out any second. Hanbin was just surprised Yeongjin hadn’t already done this before, it seemed like something he was born to do.

Hanbin was shaking hard, his stomach was flipping again and again, and he couldn’t feel his hands or feet. He was covered in a cold sweat and every part of him willed to return to the ground except for his pride.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” he muttered weakly but Yeongjin didn’t even hear him over the roar of the plane engine. Hanbin was internally weighing up whether he could live with the disappointment Yeongjin would have in him if he decided not to jump. But it looked like he didn’t have a choice now, time was up because Yeongjin had turned to him and squeezed his shoulder.

“You’re going first!”

“ _What?!”_ Hanbin panicked as his skydiving instructor moved towards him and began strapping their equipment together. “Oh god, oh god, oh god…”

Yeongjin was saying encouraging things to him but Hanbin was too immersed in his own terror to hear them, he was too conscious of every action leading up to the final moment. The instructor moved them towards the edge of the plane and for the first time Hanbin gazed down upon the surreal blue, white, yellow and green world below them. It looked like an image, a map, not a real thing. But that didn’t ease his terror, every atom of his body rejected what he was about to do, it wanted to live and had decided jumping out of a plane at 13,000 feet wasn’t going to allow him to do that.

“Ok son, this is your last chance to back out!” The instructor yelled at him cheerfully over the roar of the airplane and wind. Hanbin only understood a few words but he knew exactly what was being said. Hanbin looked back at Yeongjin who had a brilliant glint in his eyes. He mouthed “go on” and gave Hanbin a wink.

Then before Hanbin knew what had happened he had been tumbled forwards over the edge of the plane out into the sky as vast and sublime as it was. His stomach disappeared, so did his legs and arms. He was just a floating consciousness without a body, experiencing the most shocking sensation of his life, the act of defying life and death.

They kept falling and falling and falling, any moment the instructor would open their parachute. When would it be??

Wind rushed at his face with a force he’d never felt before and although he was wearing goggles his eyes still flinched from the force. The Instructor hooted behind him, helping him remember he was alive and not in a state of dying.

Still in a state of shock he ogled down at the incredible sight of Tampa Bay, it’s aquamarine waters which turned turquoise the closer they got to the white sandy beaches. Then at some point the shock passed and awe replaced it. He noticed Yeongjin and his own instructor 10 metres away and he let out a sound that was neither quite a scream or a hoot.

It was a strangled sound that didn’t match was he was feeling inside, which was indescribable, mind-blowing joy.

Yeongjin saw him and waved back, he was smiling in a way Hanbin had never seen someone smile before. Hanbin began to smile too in just the same way.

His instructor began the countdown, ten seconds till they opened the parachute, they’d been free-falling for sixty seconds. But by this point Hanbin didn’t care. He didn’t want to touch the ground ever again, he wanted to fall like this forever.

 

***

 

“I still can’t believe we did that…” Hanbin laughed giddily as Yeongjin stroked his face.

They were still in their skydiving suits and were lolling in the long grass of a large, vacant field. They had landed about 400 metres and ten seconds apart from each other, and as soon as they had both been released from the cascades of their limp parachutes they had flailed and leapt over the uneven ground towards each other like hyper, clumsy deer.

Hanbin’s legs gave out just as he reached Yeongjin and they collapsed to the ground, swearing and laughing. Hanbin was touched to see that even Yeongjin was experiencing the same weakness in his legs, the same tremor in his hands.

Now they were just holding each other and smiling as if they’d never be able to stop.

“Yeah, you did do that.” Yeongjin’s grin was as soft and warm as a patch of sun on a cold winters day, “And I swear to God, you have never been more attractive than in this moment.”

Hanbin grabbed his face and kissed him.

 

***

 

It was the day finally, Tampa Pro, Yeongjin’s first opportunity to secure himself a place in the Grand Final. Hanbin was thrilled because unless he was still on a high from the sky-diving, it it appeared Yeongjin’s fear pact had been doing him good. He wasn’t the least bit nervous or anxious, it was amazing.

He’d farewelled Yeongjin at the competitors entrance where he and Teddy had dropped him off an hour earlier to warm up with the other competitors.

“Wish me luck?” Yeongjin smiled at him.

“Sure, I can,” Hanbin shrugged, “but you don’t need it. You’ve already won this competition before, you have experience the others don’t have. Only those with a deficit of skill need luck.” Yeongjin beamed at Hanbin’s cheekiness.

“I’m going to look out for you in the stands, I want to see your face looking at me the way you are now. You make me feel invincible.” Yeongjin kissed him, threw a casual nod at his manager and headed inside.

Hanbin sat with Teddy and several of Yeongjin’s friends in the stands with adrenaline running through his body in excitement. Hanbin didn't need to understand the commentary to know that the standard of the competition was very high. Over the past few months Hanbin had learned slowly but steadily a great deal about the various street skateboarding tricks and how they ranked in difficulty. As he watched the twenty-nine other competitors go first, Yeongjin happened to be the last one to perform, he noticed that every skater was attempting the hardest tricks possible

The thing was with skating, he’d learned, was that a trick could look impressive and daring but actually be relatively easy on the difficulty scale to land. Whereas a trick that passed in a flash and looked rather unimpressive could very well have taken a professional skater a good six months or longer to master. He thought back to that day Yeongjin had thrown a tantrum over not landing a grind trick and had no doubt every skater performing in front of him had been in the exact same position a million times.

Hanbin knew now what to look for the details, the technicality. How many times did the skateboard flip under Yeongjin’s feet, in which direction, how high, how low, how fast. It wasn’t just about how big the jump was, or from what height.

He also noted that although the skaters were nervous and under pressure, they were all doing their best to seem as chill and relaxed as possible. Even if they stuffed up and fell over they just got back up with a self-deprecating shrug and got back on the board to make the most of their remaining time. It was a skater thing, he mused, you needed to look passionate but uncaring at the same time.

The commentator announced Yeongjin and Hanbin’s heart jumped violently. Just before pushing off Hanbin saw Yeongjin look up into the crowds ever so quickly and spot him in the crowds. Yeongjin didn’t smile or anything to signify he’d seen him, but Hanbin could tell by the way he quickly refocused and pushed off confidently that he’d seen him and felt encouraged.

Yeongjin’s first run went well, really well, and the crowd got excited as he cleanly landed trick after trick. Hanbin barely heard the cheering and energetic commentary, he was too busy mentally noting each of Yeongjin’s tricks one by one.

_Kick flip frontside nosegrind…Frontside bigspin….Front tail big heel…Big Fakie flip…._

Yeongjin had one brief stumble but finished off his first run by landing a particularly challenging trick and Hanbin could tell by the buzz that filled the skatepark afterwards that Yeongjin had left a strong impression.

His second run went even better than the first, and Hanbin realised thirty seconds in that Yeongjin was not only succeeding in doing the tricks previous skaters had tried to land but failed, but he was giving them a more difficult spin without a hint of fear.

And then as if to prove the impossible, Yeongjin’s third run was even more electrifying. Twenty seconds into his final run it became apparent to the everyone at the competition that he was going to win the golden ticket to the Grand Final. The Reaper had done it once again and intimidated his competition with his fearlessness.

When the winner was announced it wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Yeongjin had won with his final score of ninety-five, but he nonetheless received an applause that told Hanbin Yeongjin had just become the favourite of the season.

“He did so good!” Hanbin couldn’t stop beaming as he watched Yeongjin accept hugs, backslaps and handshakes from his fellow skaters.

“He did ok,” Teddy conceded, smiling in a way Hanbin hadn’t seen him smile before.

 

***

 

April passed for Yeongjin in a series of celebrations, public appearances and intense bursts of training. Hanbin was by his side for everything, confident that Yeongjin was on the right track to success. He’d set the tone in Tampa and all he had to do was ride that high for the rest of the season.

Because of this Hanbin had tolerated the parties they’d gone to every now and again and that fact that Yeongjin had often returned home completely off his face drunk.

Soon enough it had been time to fly to Munich for the first stop of the world tour Yeongjin was now just taking part in for fun. They arrived five days before the competition to allow Yeongjin time to readjust his body and sleep cycle to the new timezone, and then it was competition day.

“Look, there he is,” Hanbin spotted his boyfriend proudly, pointing to the far side of the stadium where the competitors stood analysing the layout and psyching themselves up.

The stadium at Munich Olympic Park was far bigger than the compact layout of Tampa, and even though he and Teddy were sitting just two rows from the front it was still hard to catch a glimpse of Yeongjin from a distance when he was surrounded by twenty-nine other skaters.

Teddy looked over to where Hanbin was pointing and snorted.

“He’s shitting himself.”

“I don’t think he is…” Hanbin challenged quietly but assertively. He didn’t see any nervousness in Yeongjin at all. He was casually chatting to another skater and they were pointing out across the layout with smiles on their faces. Teddy gave Hanbin a bored look.

“He fucking well _should_ be.” Teddy grumbled.

“Why?” Hanbin demanded protectively, thinking to himself that Teddy had to be the weirdest manager he’d ever encountered. “He won Tampa, he’s the favourite this season, he’s in great form, and it doesn’t even matter how well he does today because he’s already in the Grand Final.” Teddy snorted derisively.

“You think today doesn’t matter because he’s got a free pass?”

“Well, of course he wants to do well today…but the pressure’s off right?” Teddy shook his head with a bitter smile, as if he couldn’t believe Hanbin’s naivety.

“You clearly don’t realise this, but your beloved, talented boyfriend’s career has so far been comprised entirely of “maybes.” He’s yet to live up to his own hype and he’s running out of time.” Teddy informed him darkly.

“What do you mean?” Hanbin asked in surprise, this was all news to him. He’d never heard Yeongjin express any of these concerns about hype and running out of time.

“Yeongjin’s _old_.” 

“But he’s only 26…”

“Look here,” Teddy said impatiently, pointing over at the skaters, “That kid’s 22, the one in grey’s 23, the dude on the end is 21, that guy over there with the red hair is 24. They’re all about that age, they get younger and younger every year.”

“Your point being…?” Hanbin was confused.

“When you’re a pro skater your body breaks down fast. All those falls you take wear the body down, you get aches and pains, your joints wear away from the impact, it ages you. And the older you get the higher the chance and frequency of injury, the worse the injuries become, the longer they take to heal. Yeongjin passed the ideal age to win a Grand Final a good two years ago. Right now, he’s playing Russian Roulette. Sure, he’s skating better than he did two years ago, but two years ago his body was 24 years old, now it’s 26.”

“So you’re saying…”

“What I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t need today to make it to the Grand Final, the fact is he needs to be taking this _entire_ season really fucking seriously because this could be his last chance to win this Grand Final. Next year he’s going to be a year older and one of these young kids is still going to be younger than him. Today is important because it’s a practice run for the Final which he has a charming habit of fucking up…”

Hanbin was disturbed. He wondered how the hell Teddy could talk about his client’s hopes and dream with such cold pragmatism.

“Why didn’t he start competing sooner?”  Teddy shook his head in disgust.

 “…he fucked around too much for too long and he can’t take that back now. What can he do?” Teddy asked no one in particular with a weary shrug “…well, winning the Grand Title and convincing his sponsors he’s good enough to keep investing in would be a good start,” Teddy answered himself sarcastically.

Hanbin stared into space trying to take in everything Teddy had just told him. He didn’t know why but he was feeling violently uprooted, as if he’d just had a rug pulled out from underneath him.  

He wondered whether Teddy was trying to scare him and make him more nervous for Yeongjin than he had to be, after all Teddy was a pessimistic, gloomy kind of guy, maybe he was just being his typical negative self? But Hanbin couldn’t help it, Teddy’s analysis of Yeongjin’s career had been so harsh he was thinking it just had to be realistic…  

This time when the competition began and the commentators introduced the legendarily fearless Reaper Hanbin felt nervous, different to the excitement and positivity he’d felt at Tampa. When it was Yeongjin’s turn to skate for the first time his stomach knotted and unknotted. His fingers fiddled with anything he could get his hands on. Teddy watched silently beside him shaking his head or nodding every now and again.

Thankfully Teddy appeared to be wrong, and Hanbin calmed down. For the first two runs Yeongjin skated with ease and tackled his difficult tricks without hesitation.

That’s why when Yeongjin stumbled badly for the first time in his third run the stadium filled with sounds of surprise.

Yeongjin recovered quickly, picking himself up from the floor with a spring in his step, and lined himself up to take on the largest jump available in the layout. But something wasn’t right. Hanbin had watched Yeongjin skate more than enough now to recognise when he was in the zone and when he wasn’t, and he some of those warning signs now.

The slightly parted mouth, the creased forehead, the slightly absent look in his eyes, the tightness of his shoulders, the way his fingers were splayed slightly more than normal as if trying to steady himself.

Without even realising he was doing it Hanbin stood up from his seat, feeling his body freeze all over with dread.

As soon as Yeongjin entered into the air and began to flip his board underneath him, Hanbin knew was going to happen next, and like a nightmare that he couldn’t stop nor wake from no matter how hard he begged, Yeongjin hit the ground with a sickening smack. Straight after there was a horrifying popping sound, even from where he was sitting on the other side of the stadium Hanbin was still able to hear it.

The stunned audience gasped then fell into nervous silence as they waited for Yeongjin to move. But all he could manage was a blood-curdling cry of pain. 

 “FUCK.” Teddy jumped up from his seat and began pushing past the people in their row who were now standing up to get a better view. Hanbin followed quickly behind, his heart in his throat.

With unexpected speed Teddy legged it over the arena railing and raced over to Yeongjin who’d already been met by paramedics. Hanbin was about to hurl himself over the railing too but security guards stopped him.

“No, please! I know him!” Hanbin protested in Korean but they didn’t understand and held him tight. But it didn’t matter anyway, the paramedics already had Yeongjin on a stretcher and were speeding him off the layout.

Hanbin froze in distress as he saw from afar the condition Yeongjin was in. He had seen Yeongjin sweat, pant and swear his way through a three-hour tattoo designed to be as excruciating as possible and extend his pain threshold. He’d seen Yeongjin take painful fall after fall on his hips, shoulders, back, backside, stomach and side. He’d watched Yeongjin take dozens of ice baths. He’d found every scar the existed within the maze of Yeongjin’s tattoos and heard each gruesome origin story. But he’d never seen Yeongjin in pain like this. All he could do was beg for mercy, beg to be put unconscious.

Everything that happened after that - the ride in the ambulance listening to Yeongjin’s convulsions of pain, being left worried sick with Teddy in the emergency waiting room – it all happened in a nightmarish state. Hanbin wasn’t really present, he’d gone into shock.

 

***

 

When Teddy and Hanbin were finally able to talk to Yeongjin it was 6pm, the competition had finished hours ago. After Yeongjin’s agony had subsided thanks to a morphine drip he’d had an MRI scan to assess the damage. The whole process had taken a long time and after that he’d been in too much pain to even hold a conversation. Teddy and Hanbin had watched him groan covered in a clammy sweat for hours before he finally fell asleep. The nurse had encouraged them to go out and get something to eat and return in an hour or two when he was awake. Fans gathered outside the hospital wanting to know if their favourite skater was ok.

They’d found a restaurant around the corner from the hospital and eaten in silence until Teddy finally said what was on both of their minds.

“What the fuck _happened_ out there?”

Hanbin pushed food around on his plate with his fork, still too shocked to eat properly. His mind was a whirlwind of anxious thoughts trying to predict the future.

How bad was his injury? Would he be able to recover soon? Was he going to be able to skate by September? How was this injury going to affect his performance? How was he feeling right now? Was he still in pain? What had it felt like?

“You need to ask him ok??” Teddy instructed him.

They returned to the hospital where the nurse informed them in English which they only partially understood that Yeongjin had woken up not long ago and had just been visited by the doctor with some results. Hanbin and Teddy exchanged a look and went into the room.

Yeongjin looked pale and raggard, the pain had left him exhausted. It was unnerving to see someone so strong, active and confident looking so fragile and soft in a hospital gown, hooked up to a drip. As they approached Yeongjin he opened his eyes groggily. Hanbin knew he must still be on a high dosage of pain relief.

“What did the Doctor tell you?” Teddy demanded gruffly. Staring into space Yeongjin informed them in a flat emotionless voice.

 “My patellar tendon has been dislocated and my ACL has also been torn but they don’t know how badly. I will need to do more scans and will probably need surgery asap.”

“Oh fucking jesus christ,” Teddy groaned rubbing his face with both hands. “What the hell happened?? You were skating fine then you go and fucking fall _splat_ on the ground!!?”

Yeongjin didn’t respond, he just closed his eyes in exhaustion.

“Ok, well I need a smoke that’s for sure, ,” Teddy stormed out of the room. Hanbin didn’t know much about sports injuries, but what Yeongjin said sounded complex and Teddy’s reaction had convinced him that situation was bleak. He felt even worse.

“Is that bad?” Hanbin asked softly.

Yeongjin opened his eyes again and looked at Hanbin piercingly, as if he was seeing him clearly for the first time and was having trouble believing what he saw.

“Yes, it _is_ bad,” Yeongjin said in a scathing, patronising tone that made Hanbin flinch. “The Doctor told me even if I recover from this I will never skate with the same capacity again. It looks like my career is over.”

Hanbin’s stomach dropped and he felt second-hand disappointment and fear wrap around him up like a cold, wet blanket. He’d been in this exact position before, twice in fact, wondering if the career he’d worked so hard for was over forever. It had been terrible, like seeing a part of himself die right in front of his own eyes, and nothing could be done to stop it from happening.

He’d never imagined this would happen to Yeongjin, it was so hard to understand, he could feel the facts of the situation bouncing against this skull trying to get it in but they just couldn’t. He didn’t want to believe something this terrible had happened to Yeongjin, it caused him pain.

“We’ll get through this,” was the best he could come up with and he took Yeongjin’s free hand off the bed to give it a squeeze.

Yeongjin pulled away his hand and lay it back down on the bed. He closed his eyes tight in irritation.

“Don’t say another fucking thing,” Yeongjin ordered through grit teeth. Hurt thundered into Hanbin’s chest but he tried to ignore it because he was sure he knew exactly what Yeongjin was thinking and feeling right now. He understood all too well the way fear and disappointment could metabolize into aggression and be taken out on those nearby, he was unfortunately infamous for it.

He guessed that Yeongjin didn’t want pity, he didn’t want empty promises and reassurances that things were going to be ok. He thought back to many of the cruel things he’d said to the boys and Bobby when they’d tried to do the same for him.

_Don’t tell me things are ok when they’re not._

_Don’t tell me things will just “work out”, that’s not real life_

_Everything we have we earned by working ourselves into the fucking ground, not because of things “falling into place.”_

_Don’t tell me we’ll be ok if we don’t win, because that makes all our work and all the sacrifices we made worthless._

 “I’m so sorry this has happened…,” Hanbin didn’t know what else to say, but he truly meant it.

“Are you?” Yeongjin’s sharp tone took Hanbin by surprise. Yeongjin was looking at him now with something in his eyes Hanbin hadn’t seen before, a kind of energy he’d never imagined Yeongjin would direct towards him.

“Of course, I am.” Hanbin said, confused and hurt. Yeongjin’s mouth twisted into a bitter smile.

“Don’t you want to know what happened out there? Why I now have a dislocated patellar, a torn ACL, and a dead career?” Yeongjin asked him. Hanbin was filled with dread, he got the feeling from Yeongjin’s cold tone that he didn’t want to know.

“ _You_ happened out there.” Yeongjin stared at him with eyes full of dull anger.

“What do you mean??” Hanbin asked, panic taking over.

“You distracted me, I saw you. I was about to push off and take the jump when out of the corner of my eye…I saw you. I saw your face. You looked fucking terrified, like you were seeing my death coming for me and there was nothing you could do to save me. You shattered my concentration. It was like I forgot who I was and where I was, how to even fucking skate…then the next thing, I was on the ground…”

“What??” Hanbin was flustered and confused. “But how did you see me? I was on the other side of the stadium, I was watching you, you didn’t even look over in my direction…”

“The screens Hanbin! The giant fucking zoom-in screens!” Yeongjin growled through gritted teeth, his face dark with pain and frustration.

Hanbin couldn’t breathe. Of course, the television screens that hung up around the arena…the camera must have zoomed in on his expression of pure, unadulterated terror as he watched Yeongjin approach the jump. What luck, of all the people in the crowd they’d chosen to zoom-in on in that moment, it had to be him…

“I thought…” Yeongjin’s voice was saturated with frustration and Hanbin’s heart ached with shame. He knew exactly what Yeongjin was trying to say.

_You thought I was getting better. That you had helped me overcome my weaknesses. That I believed in you. That you were safe from my anxiety. That I had learned how to prevent infecting you with it._

Hanbin wanted to apologise but his throat was tight and lumpy with guilt, he was felt as if he was choking on it. A nurse strode into the room and said something to Hanbin. He stared at her blankly.

“She’s saying you need to go,” Yeongjin muttered in Korean.

Hanbin left the room feeling weak and shaky. At the end of the ward corridor there were glass doors leading to a smoking area. He could see Teddy outside them staring out across the city, smoke issuing from his cigarette into the navy blue sky.

He couldn’t bring himself to speak to Teddy just yet, he knew he was going to ask him if Yeongjin explained what had happened, what had caused the usually fearless Reaper's stunningly awful, unexpected mistake.

He leant against the cold hospital wall and for several long despairing minutes a chain of self-loathing words raced through his mind on a relentless loop.

_What have I done. What have I done. What have I done._


	20. The Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morosis
> 
> (n.) the stupidest of stupidities.
> 
>  
> 
> Panglossian
> 
> (adj) characterised by extreme optimism, especially in the face of unrelieved hardship or adversity.

There was a slam up ahead and the suffocating fog of Yeongjin’s accusation lifted from around Hanbin. He looked up to see Teddy tramping down the corridor towards him having finished his “calming” cigarette outside.

“Well? What did he say? Did he tell you what happened?” Teddy demanded gruffly. Hanbin opened his mouth but no words came out, all he felt was shame. Teddy didn’t have the patience to wait for him to collect his thoughts and strode on into the room.

From outside the room Hanbin listened to the tense conversation between manager and client, he couldn’t bring himself to face Yeongjin just yet.

“So, start again. What exactly did they say?”

“They said my patellar tendon had been dis-”

“I know all that,” Teddy interrupted sharply, “what exactly did they say about the injury long-term??”

 “The Doctor said it’s likely that even after recovery I may not skate the same way again…”

“Ok…” Teddy said slowly followed by a long pause in which Hanbin guessed he was thinking very hard about something. That was the thing with Teddy, Hanbin realised, he was far more shrewd and tactical than he let on, he just hid it behind a mask of laziness. “…the key words there are “likely” and “may not.” Let’s all calm the fuck down because the shows not over yet. They’re just preparing you for the worst-case scenario. They have to! Or else you could come back and sue them for making false promises! We don’t know yet what the long-term situation is. Let’s get you home asap and see your specialist.”

From outside the room Hanbin could feel Yeongjin’s hope rise from the dead, the tiny, limp flicker of light that it was. It was enough however, and his own heart fluttered back into life as well. Was Teddy right? Was there still hope?

“Fuck…I’m going to have to get on a plane like this?” Yeongjin groaned. Hanbin had barely been able to look at Yeongjin’s swollen, distorted knee. He knew was that the plane trip home was going to be nothing short of agony.

“Do you want to skate this September or not??” Teddy barked, not in the mood to indulge Yeongjin with sympathy.

“Ok, ok, just get me the fuck back home.” Yeongjin snapped back.

Teddy exited the room on his mobile phone already calling up to see when the next flight back to Seoul was.

“We’re going back to Seoul, he needs his specialist. You coming back too?” Teddy asked Hanbin, still looking shaken. 

“Of course,” Hanbin replied, amazed Teddy thought he’d even consider staying overseas while Yeongjin was injured. Teddy shrugged as if to say, “suit yourself.”

As Teddy began booking the flights Hanbin peered around the door. Yeongjin’s eyes were closed tightly and his hands clutched the bedsheets on either side of him, his leg although tightly bound was still clearly swollen and distorted.

Hanbin retreated back outside, it was too much. His guilt was spiralling, he wanted the ground to swallow him up and make him disappear.

He sat down in the chair next to Teddy who was grunting orders over the phone, hoping worriedly and urgently that they’d get back to Seoul and everything would be ok again. They’d see the specialist who’d tell them the injury wasn’t as bad as they thought it was, Yeongjin would be skating again in time for the Grand Final in September, they’d both forget that this ever happened, and neither of them would mention what had happened today ever again

 

***

 

Even in spacious first class Yeongjin’s trip home was agonising. He sweated, swore under his breath and gritted his teeth through the flight barely sleeping while Hanbin watched on feeling helpless and full of worry. Yeongjin was in too much pain to be touched or to receive sympathy, he had an invisible steely wall surrounding him and holding him together, and everyone except himself was locked outside. Hanbin couldn’t have reached out to comfort Yeongjin anyway, he was too nervous, too scared of being bitten.

“Is there nothing else you can give him?” Hanbin quietly asked the private Korean-speaking nurse accompanying them. She shook her head.

“He’s taken all pain relief possible, I can’t give him anything else for another four hours.” Overhearing the bad news Yeongjin rubbed his face with his hands as if trying to wake himself from a bad dream. From the next seat over Teddy rolled his eyes making Hanbin wanted to yell at him.

_Don’t you care?? Don’t you feel bad he’s in pain?? At all??_

Yeongjin finally crashed asleep an hour before they arrived in Seoul, Hanbin knew this because he hadn’t slept a wink either and had been awake to witness it. As soon as Yeongjin fell limp, so did he. But as soon as his eyelids slammed shut he was prying them open again to exit the plane.

A crowd of his and Yeongjin’s fans greeted them at the airport holding signs expressing messages of concern, adoration and worry. Hanbin couldn’t bring himself to look at them and pulled his hoodie further down over his face. Mics were throw in his direction but he didn’t say a word, nor did Teddy or Yeongjin who was in a zombified state in a wheelchair.

Dazed and fatigued they went straight from the airport to the private clinic of Yeongjin’s specialist in Gangnam, a remarkably clean building where everything was white, silver and shiny. The thin, neat Dr. Chang looked at the scans that had been taken of Yeongjin’s knee in Munich while the three of them waited for the news. Teddy with his arms folded, Hanbin on the edge of his seat, and Yeongjin barely conscious. The Doctor finally looked up.

“I’m surprised they didn’t insist on relocating your knee before the flight. We recommend it be completed within 48 hours of the injury. You’re within that timeframe but still, it’s pushing it. In regards to where we go from here: The first step is to relocate the tendon, an operation I will perform today at 2pm. Once the swelling from the operation has gone down, typically this will take four to five days, we will do fresh new scans of the ACL and decide whether it will also require an operation.”

Yeongjin nodded lethargically. Despite wearing many layers he looked pale and cold, Hanbin took off his jacket and draped it over his shoulders. Yeongjin didn’t seem to notice though and after a few seconds it slipped off onto the floor.

“What about the long-term situation,” Teddy asked. “That’s what we really need to know.”

“At this stage in time I can’t say.” The Doctor replied calmly, too calmly for Hanbin’s liking. Didn’t he have any idea how serious this was? Did no one get how awful it felt to lose one’s career until it actually happened to them?

“As I said, once the swelling from the operation goes down we will do more scans which will tell us how severe the ACL tear is and ultimately it’s the recovery from that, not the dislocation, that will determine the rest of your career. That said I think it’s quite likely you will be able to continue skating, it’s just a matter of how soon. Torn ACL’s used to end athlete’s careers in a flash, but these days our treatments are far more effective and efficient…there is hope.”

The three of them sighed in unison. Hanbin glanced at Yeongjin to see his reaction but he was too tired to express his emotions on his face. The Doctor smiled at Yeongjin.

“Now I will take you through to the waiting room where you will receive medical attention and pain relief until the operation. Would you like either of your companions to stay with you? We would prefer only one.”

Teddy didn’t even look up from his phone but Hanbin went to stand. Yeongjin shook his head and Hanbin’s heart sank painfully.

“We will call you after the operation to tell you how it went and what time you can come visit Yeongjin tomorrow and bring him home.”

Hanbin and Teddy were alone in the consultation room now. Teddy looked at Hanbin with a rueful smile.

“Let’s get home and get some fucking sleep, hey?”

 

 

***

 

Well, he was definitely back in Korea, Hanbin mused bitterly, staring out across the city settling into evening from the vast empty loungeroom of Yeongjin’s house – their house. He was all alone now, there was total peace and quiet, this was the perfect time to catch up on some sleep. But his tiredness had turned back in on itself and become overtiredness, and he felt almost manic.

He just couldn’t believe this was the way things had turned out.  Their spectacular overseas adventure had ended before it had truly begun; Yeongjn’s winning streak was ruined and his career was dangling in the air; The carefree time they’d spent in their beautiful house in Glendale was well and truly over; Hanbin hadn’t even had time to visit his parents and sister in Seattle. It was so disappointing Hanbin felt flattened by the reality of the situation.

Once again Yeongjin’s revelation about the role he’d played in his accident at Munich came flashing into his mind and he cringed violently, sinking his face into his hands.

_WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??_

Hanbin got it, bad things had to happen in life, fine, that’s the way it was, he could cope with that and had in the past. But why did bad things always have to happen at the worst possible times?? And why did he always have to be in the centre of it?? That he couldn’t understand.

_Why does it feel like I make bad things happen? So much for being a “good luck charm.”_

His phone rang, it was Yunhyeong and it took Hanbin a moment to find strength to answer.

“Hey-”

“-Where are you now?? Still in Munich?” Hanbin could hear all the boys in the background, they were on speaker phone.

The boys had been following Yeongjin’s competition the whole time, watching the matches when they got the time. While they hadn’t been able to watch the Munich game live Yunhyuk had. He told them first thing the next morning what had happened and that Hanbin and Yeongjin were flying home. Shocked the boys agreed to call Hanbin and see him as soon as possible, they all figured he was even more shocked than they were and probably very upset.

“No, we’re back,” Hanbin informed the worried Yunhyeong wearily. “I’m home, Yeongjin’s just had an operation, he’s in hospital right now.”

“We’ll come by now, we’re already in the car with Yunhyuk, we just did a radio thing,” Yunhyeong insisted and Hanbin could almost hear the sound of Jinhwan’s head nodding in agreement in the background.

“No, not tonight, it’s not a good time …” Hanbin mumbled into the phone “I’m exhausted, I can’t even hold a conversation right now I’m that tired…”

The boys had protested at first but with relief Hanbin managed convinced the boys to wait until another night. He didn’t want to talk to anyone about what had happened at Munich, he didn’t want to answer their inevitable questions.

_But how did it happen??_

_But he was going so well??_

_It was so random, completely out of the blue…_

_It was like all of a sudden he completely flipped and lost concentration…_

“Well we’ll still see you soon ok, maybe tomorrow!” Yunhyeong commanded, doing his best to sound authoritative and bossy. He almost made Hanbin smile.

“I’ll let you know, ok? I promise.”

“But are _you_ ok??” Yunhyeong pushed.

“Yes! I’m fine!” Hanbin laughed, “Let me go sleep already!”

“Ok, ok ok. Just wanted to make sure. We missed you by the way. Heaps. Can’t wait to see you, see you soon-” Yunhyeong was interrupted by the boy’s chorus in the background urging him to shut up.

Hanbin hung up with a smile but it quickly disappeared as he was once again left alone with his guilty ruminations. He headed upstairs to try and sleep knowing full well he’d end up working on a song till 3am instead.

 

***

 

“Yes that’s right…Hanbin’s back yes…well Yeongjin had a serious injury and had to return here for surgery….”

Bobby could barely contain his surprise as he eavesdropped his manager’s phone call to another staff member. It was 8am and he was in the studio, still waking himself up. He wondered for a second if he was dreaming but no, his manager continued…

“Nam isn’t sure if they’ll be going back overseas at this stage…yes, it looks like they’ll be here for a while. Yeah, we will have to revise his schedule, you might want to talk to Nam about tha…”

This was proving to be a good morning - Hanbin was back in the country?? Bobby’s heart raced and his stomach fluttered as if Hanbin was standing right there before him. He felt stunned by the power of his own happiness. How amazing he could still feel it! He still had it!

But then he caught sight of his dazed face in the mirror on the wall of the studio and his happiness turned to self-disgust.

_You’re happy that a guy who doesn’t want anything to do with you now is back in the same country as you. Wow, you’re that desperate are you Jiwon??_

Who was he kidding. It was over with Hanbin. Who was he to feel happiness that Hanbin was in the country when the guy was indifferent to him now? Who was he to feel any kind of ownership, any sense of joy? What difference was it going to make in his life? No difference at all.

It was hard to believe there had been a time in his life when he’d lived with Hanbin, seen him every day, woken up with him, been the first one to touch him in the morning and the last one to touch him before he went to sleep. They’d showered together, eaten almost every meal together, shared silence and sorrow together, spent hundreds of hours talking, joking, making love, making music. And he’d walked away from it.

Before he could slip too deep into regret he turned his attention to the other snippet of information he’d gleaned from the conversation.

Yeongjin had an injury and it had to be serious if he’d chosen to return to Seoul for surgery. Bobby nodded to himself with satisfaction.

_Karma’s a bitch Yeonjerk, what can I say? You reap what you sew. You get what you’re given. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth._

But his contentment at hearing Yeongjin’s misfortunate didn’t last long either. Positive emotions were rare these days and as fleeting as the smiles he received from YG who was now listening to his songs at the end of each week as he produced them.

By the afternoon he was back to the numbness that he was so familiar with now because the truth was that even though he knew it was over with Hanbin he still knew deep down that the moment Hanbin said “I want you back” he’d be there. God, he still thought about him so much…it was an ache that never went away…and maybe it really never would? What then?

“Hey, come on, it’s time,” Choice tapped him on the shoulder, interrupting his self-pitying. “The big boss is waiting for us.”

“Tendae?” Bobby confirmed, suddenly feeling embarrassed, the producer nodded. He just hoped YG wasn’t going to ask him too much about the song’s meaning. As they headed into the elevator Choice playfully began mimicking Bobby’s vocals from the song.

“Baby set me on a fyah! I miss you today! I would be nice if I was with you, I wouldn’t be lonely”

Bobby laughed and bopped along.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” he asked. Choice shrugged.

“He better, it’s fresh.” He said with a smile. He then looked serious. “I’m really glad your heart’s back in this, you’re going to kill this album. For a second, Diggy and I…we thought you were a goner…”

“I’m back now.” Bobby gave the producer an apologetic smile.

“You are.” They stepped out of the elevator and headed to YG’s office. Bobby’s stomach jumped with butterflies. It was time to face the music.

 

***

 

It had been a week now since Yeongjin’s operation. The swelling from the relocated tendon had taken longer than expected to go down, delaying the process of getting the new scans done. Finally, just yesterday Yeongjin’s daily checkup proved positive and the news scans were taken.

They were now waiting for the results, that call from the Doctor that could potentially decide Yeongjin’s future.

Hanbin looked over at Yeongjin who was lying on the couch on his phone, his leg tightly bound and elevated, his face an expression of miserable discontent.

“Are you in pain?” Hanbin asked, needing to break the silence between them. Yeongjin looked up, surprising Hanbin. It was the first time Yeongjin had made eye contact with him since the operation. But his eyes had a disdainful narrowness to them and Hanbin was the first to look away.

“Yes.” He said slowly, letting the word develop in meaning, letting Hanbin take it and turn it into a bigger more accusatory word in his mind.

_Yes, thanks to you. Yes, of course, what do you fucking think. Yes, and you know why._

It wasn’t that Yeongjin was giving him the silent treatment, he was still talking to Hanbin but barely. It should have been a comfort that Yeongjin was also barely speaking to Teddy, but Hanbin knew – because he could feel it – that the near silence Yeongjin directed at him was loaded with a different kind of bullet: blame...

In a way Hanbin would have preferred if it had been complete silence because then he could have called yeongjin a jerk and felt vindicated about it. But instead he could see Yeongjin was only just managing to contain his anger, resentment and disappointment in him, and it hurt with the pain of a thousand stab wounds.

Hanbin didn’t know what to do. He’d thought about coming out with a gushing apology, he’d thought about yelling at Yeongjin and turning the anger back onto him, he’d thought about telling Teddy everything and asking him to make Yeongjin forgive him, he’d thought about calling jinhwan and asking him for advice.

A frail, meek, inner voice of reason occasionally piped up to tell Hanbin _this isn’t fair_ , but it was completely lacking in assertion and ultimately for Hanbin, it didn’t matter what was fair or not, the simple fact of the matter was that Yeongjin _believed_ he had distracted him in a crucial moment in his match with his anxiety, and that was that. The moment he walked into the room and Yeongjin looked away from him darkly, his conviction that Yeongjin was being totally unfair and unreasonable dissolved and his stomach sank to the bottom of the ocean.

Because for Hanbin there was a part of Yeongjin’s behaviour that was deeply, terrifyingly relatable. 

Had there been times when others had let him down? Yes.

Had he been so angry with them he hadn’t been able to hide it? Yes.

Could his behaviour in that moment have been considered mean? Maybe…

Blame had always been a difficult thing for Hanbin, something he’d been forced to grapple with many times as someone used to carrying more responsibility than most. He knew what it felt like to be blamed because when you were a leader you were the first one to draw the short stick. If the boys didn’t perform well it wasn’t just their problem, it was his personal failing, it was a reflection of him and his lack of attentiveness and direction as a leader. 

In turn that had made him ruthless at times when it came to letting members know when they were letting the team down. At times it had made him point the finger and blame others. Although there were many case examples, the first one that always came to Hanbin’s mind was during WIN when at the last minute YG had demanded they change their original lyrics to _Winnin’_ just hours before the performance.

How could he forget that day in the dressing room, all of them dressed in white, consumed with stress and anxiety, as he sat off to the side fuming because none of vocal line could remember the new lyrics. It was Bobby calling him out on his silent treatment that had really set him off…

_Hanbin come here…you can’t be like this, you’re the leader, let’s talk it out…So we can all stand there and feel bad while you’re being all moody?_

Long, long after the show finished, it had been two years, he’d finally had the courage to watch the scene on youtube. When the camera cut to him, Bobby and Jinhwan sitting on the stone steps outside the venue talking it out, he’d felt a deep pain in his heart. And when Jinhwan had started crying telling Hanbin “But I feel like…it was the most difficult moment in my life…I feel like I made this happen,” he’d had to stop watching altogether. He’d closed the tab, shut the laptop and gone for a walk horrified by his lack of feeling.

But he’d been stressed. He’d been tired, so incredibly, ridiculously tired. He’d felt hopeless. He’d been haunted by ever-looming failure. He’d been worried he wasn’t doing a good enough job as a leader. He’d been worried he’d be blamed.

And that’s where Yeongjin was right now, in the exact same place. He wondered why knowing this didn’t make Yeongjin’s treatment any less painful though. He wished it did because his deepest, darkest fear currently was that Yeongjin now saw him as a fraud. Someone who had pretended to become more courageous and brave, only to drop the act when it mattered the most.

He was terrified Yeongjin had lost respect for him and it hurt him so bad he was in the position to do almost anything to get it back. He wanted Yeongjin take him in his arms and tell him it was all ok, that he’d forgive him and stop blaming him.

It was perhaps because of this intense vulnerability and yearning for forgiveness that the whole incident played out the way it did…

“FUCK THIS!” Yeongjin suddenly bellowed, his frustrated voice filling the huge loungeroom making Hanbin jump.

“What??”

“I can’t do this anymore!” Yeongjin cried, grabbing his crutches to stand up. “I can’t just _sit_ here another whole fucking day! I’m bored out of my fucking brain!”

“Ok, ok, what do you want to do then?” Hanbin tried to calm Yeongjin down. In a way he’d seen this outburst coming. Yeongjin was an adrenaline junkie and without skateboarding as an outlet there was a huge amount of energy building up within him and not being spent. Day by day Hanbin had watched Yeongjin become more and more irritable, silent and surly…now here it was. He just wished Teddy was here to bring Yeongjin into line because didn’t actually think he was fit to leave the house in case he did something to his healing knee but he didn’t have the courage to tell Yeongjin what he could or couldn’t do.

“I need to get out of this house, I need to go somewhere…” Yeongjin muttered, escorting himself past the kitchen. Hanbin jumped up nervously, realising Yeongjin was heading down to the garage.

“Ok, I can drive us somewhere? We can eat out for lunch?” Hanbin offered, following closely behind.

“I’m going to the shipwreck.There are some people there.”

“That’s really far though…and it’s already a bit late in the day for that,” Hanbin said before he could stop himself.

“Stay here if you don’t wanna go.” Yeongjin replied. Hanbin could feel hot anger beneath the surface of Yeongjin’s words and didn’t want another outburst.

“I’ll come with you,” Hanbin insisted meekly. He didn’t want Yeongjin to be out and about by himself on crutches because Yeongjin didn’t seem to care that he was very vulnerable right now, he wanted to go about living life as if nothing had happened. He was so bored, angry and frustrated he was going into complete denial. So much so Yeongjin headed straight for the driver’s seat of his orange Lamborghini. Hanbin stared.

“You can’t drive like that.” Hanbin insisted, walking around quickly. Yeongjin froze, shut his eyes and clenched his jaw in anger. Hanbin stopped where he was.

“Tell me something.” Yeongjin growled. “When you drive, which foot controls the brake and accelerator, and which leg rests to the side doing nothing?” Hanbin cringed. If he hadn’t been so guilty he very well would have told Yeongjin he was being a total prick, but something told him Yeongjin wasn’t going to handle being criticised very well no matter how deserving he was of it right now.

“You don’t know?” Yeongjin asked patronisingly when Hanbin didn’t respond. “Ok, well I’ll tell you. The _left_ leg sits on the _pedals_ and the _right_ leg does _nothing_. And which of my legs is fucked, Hanbin?” Yeongjin’s bitter tone cut into Hanbin’s flesh as if he was trying to skin him like an apple.

“I just don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Hanbin muttered.

“Which leg?!” Yeongjin repeated, determined to make his point, his hand banging down on the top of the car. Hanbin flinched and walked back around to the passenger seat defeated and smarting from Yeongjin’s schooling.

“Fine, drive.”

On the way to the shipwreck he didn’t know what to say to Yeongjin, he didn’t know what not to say to Yeongjin. So they drove in a horrible silence that convinced Hanbin with every second it continued that Yeongjin liked him less and less. He held back tears wondering if they weren’t just driving to the shipwreck but towards the end of their relationship. He and stared out the window wishing he could turn back time and re-do the whole awful day in Munich that had led to this point.

Thankfully Yeongjin had no trouble driving but he tensed every ten minutes from pain in his idle leg. His hand his fingers would impatiently tap his outer thigh as if willing it to heal immediately.

When they arrived at Yeongjin’s favourite skating location, that strange alien ship stranded for some unknown reason out in the middle of the countryside, several of his friends were hanging about. Seeing Yeongjin they greeted him but slowly and carefully. Hanbin got the feeling they too knew Yeongjin’s hatred of empty gestures of pity.

No one mentioned his injury or what had happened in Munich even though all of them without a doubt had watched it and knew the situation.

Yeongjin sat down heavily on an bench covered in peeling paint and lit up a cigarette, his hand cupping the flame like he was telling it a secret. Hanbin wondered if it was about him.

They had been watching Yeongjin’s fellow skaters scamper over the wreck for about thirty minutes, trying to land grind tricks on as many surfaces possible, when it became apparent to Hanbin that Yeongjin’s mood wasn’t improving. In fact watching his friends have fun without injury doing the thing he loved most was depressing Yeongjin rapidly.

Yeongjin sat there brooding and bored, smoking cigarette after cigarette, as he watched his more amateur friends struggle with tricks he could land without even trying. Yeongjin didn’t say a word to him, didn’t even look at him. He wished he’d never come along.

Deciding it was too much Hanbin stood up and went for a walk, far enough so that the laughing and swearing of the skaters faded into the background. He walked through the scrubby, overgrown forest feeling dread at returning. He wanted to keep walking through the forest until he was completely utterly lost and he’d be forced to start a whole new life as a nomad. He’d forget his past, he’d forget everything and just live day to day off the land. He’d eat berries from bushes, drink the the rain bestowed upon on him, and sleep at the base of gnarly trees. He’d forget about people, they were too hard to deal with and he couldn’t seem to have any relationship without fucking it up. It was all too much effort…

“Where’d you go?” Yeongjin gave him an accusatory look when he arrived back after noticing storm clouds were gathering.

“I just went for a walk-”

“-Let’s go. I’m bored,” Yeongjin droned, cutting him off.  He snatched the crutch Hanbin offered him and didn’t bother saying goodbye to his friends. Hanbin offered an embarrassed farewell to Yeongjin’s friends and followed quickly behind just as the first droplets began to fall.

“Do you want to go straight home…?” Hanbin asked tentatively now they were back in Yeongjin’s Lamborghini and heading back to Seoul through heavy rain. Yeongjin didn’t respond, Hanbin wasn’t even sure he heard him.

“I was thinking maybe we should get something to eat…”

“They feel sorry for me,” Yeongjin muttered under his breath. “They pity me.” Hanbin stared at Yeongjin’s blank face realising it wasn’t actually blank, it was full of fury.

“Well…we’re still waiting for results…we don’t know what will happen…” Hanbin tried to reassure him.

He could feel the anger radiating from Yeongjin like a heat, it frightened him more than before. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but it felt like Yeongjin was driving faster than he had to be. He sneaked a look over at the speedometer behind the wheel - they were sitting at 90km/phr. Yeongjin was overtaking slower vehicles with ease and Hanbin got the feeling he didn’t realise how fast they were going, he was too distracted.

The Lamborghini was so powerful it was gliding down the road. The softest touch of the pedal meant acceleration so smooth it was almost imperceptible to the driver. Hanbin’s stomach churned nervously but before he could tell Yeongjin to slow down Yeongjin’s phone received an incoming call. It was set up in the car so it could go automatically onto speaker phone but Hanbin still felt uneasy.

“Pull over and answer” Hanbin urged, trying to stay calm. Yeongjin ignored him and pressed the green button.

“Hello Yeongjin? Dr. Chang here, I’m calling you to give the results of the scans done yesterday as requested.”

“What’s the news,” Yeongjin asked testily. Hanbin nervously noted the way Yeongjin’s fingers were fluttering agitatedly on the wheel. He looked out his own window and saw the landscape flash past sickeningly fast. He felt a rising sense of dread.

“The news is that your patellar tendon was dislocated but definitely not torn, it will require a six-week recovery period minimum…”

“Thank god,” Yeongjin muttered. Hanbin could feel the energy of his relief sweep over the car. Hanbin felt something relax inside himself, maybe things weren’t going to be so bad after all?

“But the state of your ACL is not looking as positive.” The Dr continued in a clinical calm voice that made Hanbin blanch.

“Ok..” Yeongjin’s voice was dark and warning.

“The initial MRI showed your ACL hadn’t really been torn, it was more stretched into a state of extreme looseness. But upon closer examination we can now see the tear is severe and you will definitely need surgery. You’re looking at a recovery period of six to nine months, and at this stage I would say nine is more likely.”

“Fuck..” Yeongjin whispered. The car fell into silence as both Yeongjin and Hanbin took in the bitter news. Yeongjin wasn’t going to be able to skate by September. No way. Finally recovering Yeongjin asked another question.

“What about the long-term prospects, am I going to be able to perform at the same level I was before the injury after this?”

“I can’t answer that question exactly because it will depend how well your knee takes to recovery post-surgery….but if I am honest with you, athletes who experiences tears of this severity struggle to cope with explosiveness, impact and speed that same way they did before the injury. Also, your chances of experiencing a similar injury again have greatly increased.”

“Ok, I understand.” Yeongjin said quietly, Hanbin could feel his despair as strongly as if it was his own.

“We can discuss this further when I see you in person for the appointment tomorrow at 1pm.”

“Sure.” Yeongjin pressed end call and silence engulfed the car once again.

The news had obviously floored Yeongjin. Shock and the desolation of hope was building up in his face like a toxin. It was like a smoke, it infiltrated the whole luxurious car, every crack, every crevasse, choking everything in its path, including Hanbin.

For about ten minutes Hanbin tried to think of what to say, he couldn’t just sit there in silence while his boyfriend went through the heartbreak of learning there was no chance, no way he was going to be back in the game this year…and that most likely his career was now over.

“I just want to say…I understand what you’re going through-“

“-No, you don’t.” Yeongjun cut him off. “You have no idea what I’m going through. You nearly lost your _job_ twice, but you weren’t faced with losing your _talent_! I’m fucked. I’m completely utterly fucked! I’ve just lost the one thing I’m good at, the one thing I can live off!”

“That’s not true, you’re more than your career, you can find something else to be passionate about-”

“-LIKE WHAT HANBIN?” Yeongjin suddenly exploded, pounding the wheel with his hands. Hanbin’s heart raced. “I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING READ OR WRITE PROPERLY!”

“You can learn,” Hanbin suggested weakly.

“I CAN’T. I’VE TRIED AND TRIED.” Yeongjin yelled. There was a tug in Hanbin’s stomach as he felt the car accelerate once more, and he decided that this wasn’t the moment to try and convince Yeongjin he was wrong.

“ _Please_ slow down, we’re going really fast…” He pleaded. Yeongjin didn’t hear him, he was staring straight ahead over the wheel as if he was deaf and mute. The car skidded for a second on the rainy tarmac. “Shit! Stop! We’re going to have an accident!” Hanbin implored.

But Yeongjin didn’t seem to hear him. Now the outside was a blur of colour and Hanbin was genuinely terrified, they were doing at least 120 km/phr, maybe more. He was picturing a crash, death, fire, blood, broken glass diving into flesh, hot, twisted metal burying into bones, his parents and Byul crying, a funeral scene playing on the news. When Yeongjin pushed down on the accelerator again he finally snapped.

“YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US!” Hanbin cried. Yeongjin snapped out of his dazed state and swerved off the highway, coming to a violent stop that gave them both whiplash. Hanbin threw open the car door and stumbled out into the rain.

They were on a large suspension bridge and after pacing a good ten metres away from the car he leaned against the railing and looked down into the shallow, rocky gorge below. His heart was still pounding, his chest was tight and locked with emotion and he wanted to cry but he didn’t want Yeongjin to see. The rain was soaking him through.

The car hummed behind him like a wolf impatiently catching its breath before beginning its next sprint.

There was the sound of a car door opening but Hanbin couldn’t bring himself to turn around and face Yeongjin.

“Get back in the car, Hanbin,” Yeongjin called out to him. “I don’t have time for this, I need to get home and talk to Teddy.” 

Hanbin didn’t want to get back in the car because he didn’t want to get back in the car with Yeongjin. He didn’t want Yeongjin to drive. He didn’t want to have to ask Yeongjin to get out from behind the wheel. He didn’t want to be anywhere near Yeongjin right now but he had to if he wanted to get home, they were still a good 40 minute drive from the city. He didn’t reply and instead tried to come up with a new way to negotiate with Yeongjin in his current volatile mood.

“Ok, but let me drive…,” he called out, but there was the sound of the door closing followed by the roar of the car engine which drowned out his voice. He turned around to see the slim, low-set orange sportscar slip back onto the highway, pause to consider oncoming traffic, then take off with a powerful hum into the distance. Within ten seconds it had completely disappeared from view.

Stunned, Hanbin stood by the side of the highway trying to comprehend what had just happened.

 

***

 

After another long day in the studio Bobby dawdled back to his car to drive home. He didn’t want to go because he knew he would be lonely. He wished he was the type like Hanbin who could fall asleep almost on command after working hard all day, but he wasn’t.

If someone had asked him right then and there how he’d been for the last few months, he would have replied “I’m coping.” And that’s all he was doing. Keeping himself busy with his album whilst keeping out of trouble. No drinking, no clubbing, no staying out late.

Every day, he went to the studio all day, to the gym, his parent’s place or one of the boy’s houses in the evening, and then back to his own apartment when he felt tired enough to pass out.

But the boys were busy again now with radio shows, charity events, festivals. Bobby was happy for them but sorry for himself. The evenings were becoming once again a sad, lonely part of the day for him. Tonight there was no Chanwoo or Jinhwan to game with, no Donghyuk to be an idiot with, no Yunhyeong to tease to breaking point and no June to listen to music with.

He decided his only option was to do something spontaneous and get out of town for the evening, get away from temptation. He’d drive out to what had become his favourite spot, the shipping port. It was a fair drive but he’d get a chance to do some more research – listen to those new albums and tracks he hadn’t had time to yet – and then by the time he’d arrive back in Seoul he’d be dead tired.

 

***

 

Collecting himself from his stunned state Hanbin’s first thought was to call someone. He thought about calling one of the boys or Namkyu but he didn’t want to answer their questions.

_Yeongjin did what?!_

Even though Yeongjin had hurt him a lot recently he felt an inexplicable loyalty to him, a need to protect him from other people’s judgement. They wouldn’t understand the situation without context, they’d all flip out and he really couldn’t take that right now.

He decided to call a cab but his hand hit the bottom of his pocket without making contact with his phone and his heart stopped. He patted his other pocket then his jacket pockets for good measure even though he never ever put his phone in them.

Then like a movie flashback he saw himself putting his phone in the compartment of the car door on top of his wallet. Well, fuck, he had no wallet and no phone and he’d just been abandoned in the middle of a highway a solid 40 minute drive away from Seoul.

He brushed the rain out of his eyes with a damp sleeve even though it was pointless, it wasn’t going to stop raining anytime soon, and tried to keep calm. He was furious, scared, hurt, embarrassed and guilty all at once.

He couldn’t believe Yeongjin had done this and he couldn’t believe that he’d pushed Yeongjin so far as to do this.

A dodgy looking car pulled up and flashed its lights at him, offering him a ride. He shook his head, he knew better than to hop into a car with strangers and he was sure Yeongjin would turn around and get him.

He crossed his arms and waited, hoping that Yeongjin had just thrown a small tantrum, was coming to his senses right now and would be speeding back to him any moment. But five minutes passed, then ten, then twenty.

Hanbin knew he was probably looking very odd to the traffic flashing past him. A lone figure, standing by the highway in the rain, near no particular landmarks, as if waiting for a pumpkin carriage to appear and take him to his next obscure destination. 

Cold, wet, miserable, sick of the rain and bewildered Hanbin decided there was nothing left to do but start walking home. It was getting dark and it was going to take him several hours, two at least. Hopefully Yeongjin would pick him up along the way…

 

***

It was turning into dusk as Bobby cruised down the highway heading to the port. There were hardly any cars around, just a few trucks roaring past him every now and again, so he could take his time and focus on the music rather than keeping up with the traffic flow

He was doing his best to keep his mood afloat by rapping along to Jay-Z.

He’d been on the highway for about forty minutes when he noticed something strange up ahead on the opposite side of the highway, about 800 metres away.

It looked like some poor dude was walking along the highway in the rain to Seoul. His curiosity compelled him to slow down ever so slightly to take a glance at the eccentric soul wandering like a sad, lonely, spirit down the highway. Maybe they needed help? But then again it seemed like they were walking with determination, slouching forward against the rain that was spitting down, flickering like fireflies as it passed in front of his headlights.

At 600 metres away he thought he was going insane because he realised the stranger looked a little like Hanbin, at least if he closed his eyes almost shut and peered through his lashes. But when he was 20 metres away he decided he was actually most definitely absolutely going insane. As he flashed past he realised that person looked _exactly_ like Hanbin to the point where Bobby was suddenly convinced it was.

For a few seconds he kept driving down the highway trying to process the vision he’d just seen. Was Hanbin seriously wandering down this very highway in the pouring rain?? He pulled over and waited for the traffic to clear before doing a u-turn and heading back the way he came. He caught up with in an instant and pulled up alongside the figure in disbelief.

It was Hanbin. It was actually him.

Hanbin nervously stopped walking, unable to see who was behind the tinted windows.

Bobby buzzed down his window and peered out, rain hitting his face like cold pieces of spit. Hanbin and Bobby stared at each other in wide-eyed shock.

“What the fuck??” Bobby finally announced.

“Thank God. Thank God it’s you…” Hanbin muttered in relief. “Can you give me a lift back to the city? Anywhere I don’t care. I can get a cab.”

“Of course, get in…” Bobby stumbled over his words. Hanbin gratefully jumped in the car as quickly as he could and shut the door. He rubbed his hands whilst violently shaking, he was drenched. Bobby switched the air con to warm and turned it up. He drove back onto the highway towards Seoul, his plans to visit the port completely forgotten.

“Ummm, what the hell are you doing out here?” Bobby asked still in shock. Of all coincidences he has encountered throughout his life this had to be the weirdest yet. He couldn’t believe he was sitting in a car with Hanbin, he hadn’t seen him in person for months and months. Butterflies twitched in his stomach and he felt tongue-tied.

“Long story…” Hanbin muttered bleakly.

“…let’s start with how the fuck did you get here?”

“Don’t worry about it, I had some…car trouble,” Hanbin muttered. There was no way he was going to start explaining to Bobby, of all people, what had just happened with Yeongjin.

“Your car broke down?” Bobby guessed Hanbin nodded quickly but didn’t elaborate. Bobby nodded but then he realised that still didn’t explain why Hanbin was walking back to Seoul.  

“You know you can call your car insurance and they can come pick you up? You don’t have to walk back home?” He joked. Hanbin didn’t reply and Bobby have him a quick glance over. He realised he couldn’t see if Hanbin had a phone on him or not. “Is your phone flat?”

Hanbin was silent trying to quickly come up with a good alibi, but nothing was available to him.

“You have your phone on your right? No?? Damn…ok then, where is it?”

“It’s in the car – look, just don’t worry about it ok?” Hanbin snapped, becoming more and more defensive by the second.

“At least you have your wallet right…no? Is that in the car too?” Bobby asked, completely mystified.

“It’s complicated,” Hanbin snapped trying to shut down the conversation.

“I’m sorry but this just doesn’t make any sense. Where is your car? Is it still back there?” Bobby gestured over his shoulder with his thumb, meaning further down the highway.

“No, no, just…just forget it, ok?” But Hanbin had forgotten how well Bobby had always been able to read him and right now he was exuding signals without having to say a thing. Bobby could tell by the tone of Hanbin’s voice that he was anxious and defensive about the situation, he was trying to cover something up.

To get out here Hanbin had to have been in a car in the first place, but if his car wasn’t broken down back there, then it had to be somewhere else with someone driving it. And who else could that be? Hanbin’s defensive tone was definitely giving him an idea...

“So, where’s your boyfriend right now?” Bobby asked coldly. “I bet he’d be pretty worried if he knew you were walking down a highway by yourself in the rain.”

“Can we just stop talking about this??” Hanbin tensed up at the mention of Yeongjin, they were entering dangerous territory now and he didn’t want Bobby to push him any further. But that was exactly the response Bobby needed to confirm his darkening suspicions.  

“Or is he with the car the car that contains your phone and wallet?”

“No,” Hanbin lied quickly. He massaged his forehead with his eyes closed and suddenly Bobby was gripped by suspicion.

“You still can’t lie for shit,” Bobby scoffed as Hanbin protested. “So why is he with the car with your phone and your wallet but you’re walking down a highway in the rain? What the fuck happened? Did he boot you out of the car or something?”

“It’s none of your business!” Hanbin retorted, feeling flustered and cornered.

“Wow, just wow,” Bobby shook his head in disbelief, he was trying to imagine under what circumstances he could justify leaving someone by themselves on highway with no phone or wallet… “What a guy…but doesn’t surprise me to be honest.”

“You don’t know what happened, so don’t even go there,” Hanbin warned. Of course, Bobby had to try and take the moral high-ground over Yeongjin, what a surprise, what a hypocrite.

“Well clearly something fuckin’ happened Hanbin, because _I’m_ driving you home from the middle of nowhere with no phone or wallet - not _him_!”

“He’s going through a hard time,” Hanbin muttered, immediately regretting it. He needed to keep his mouth shut and not say a word more.

“And that makes it ok to dump you on a highway in the rain?? Ok…if you say so…”

“Don’t Jiwon,” Hanbin warned again, there was no way he was going to sit in Bobby’s car and listen to him criticise Yeongjin for not treating him well. Bobby had no idea what it was like to nearly lose his career, how terrifying and stressful it was, how it made you shut down and act on impulses.

“Well I’m just saying-“

“STOP AND LET ME OUT THEN!” Hanbin suddenly yelled startling Bobby.

“No! I need to drive you home!”

“Then shut up! Please!” There was something frail and hysterical in Hanbin’s voice now that worried Bobby. Whatever had happened must have been serious….

_Ok Yeongjerk, what the hell did you do??_

“I swear to god if he’s being a dickhead to you, or hurting you or-”

“-Like you did?? The way you hurt me??” Hanbin glared at Bobby who blushed with shame and stared fiercely at the road ahead. “Don’t you dare try and tell me how I should let others treat me. If you think someone ditching me on a highway is worse than you ditching me the way you did two years ago when my life was falling apart…you’re wrong. No one, I repeat, _no one_ has hurt me more in my life than you.”

With that they both fell silent, Hanbin fuming but satisfied he’d finally managed to shut Bobby up, and Bobby reeling from the harshness of Hanbin’s words.

Was that true? Had no one hurt Hanbin more than he had? He felt like he’d been impaled.

They didn’t exchange another word for the rest of the drive until they reached the city and Hanbin had to give Bobby directions to his and Yeongjin’s house. Bobby drove robotically finally pulling up outside the very gates where he’d received the bashing of his life from Yeongjin’s body guards.

“Thank you,” Hanbin muttered formally.

“You’re welcome,” Bobby replied miserably.

“Also, I need you to not tell anyone about this. About you seeing me on the road, giving me a lift home, what I said to you. Yeongjin has enough on his mind right now.”

Hanbin could see from the way Bobby was looking at him that he wanted to make some kind of comment about that, but he gave him his best death-stare.

“ _Don’t_.”

“Fine.” Bobby muttered in defeat, one hundred questions still unanswered in his mind.

Hanbin got out of the car, leaving behind a wet patch on his car seat, swiped a security pass to open the gates, and began marching up the long driveway. When he’d disappeared around a corner Bobby took off slowly, trying to decide where was the best place to go drink.

It was now 7pm and there was no way in hell he was going to survive being alone and sober after this.

 

***

 

Hanbin strode up the winding driveway towards the house, trying to process the strange coincidence that had passed with Bobby whilst also trying to work out how he was going to deal with Yeongjin.

He was angry now in a way he hadn’t been before because Yeongjin had not only done something hurtful but he had put him in a highly embarrassing position. Even though Hanbin hadn’t been the one who’d abandoned Yeongjin by the road he may as well have been, that was how embarrassed and flustered he was. When Bobby judged Yeongjin it felt like he was judging him too, after all, Yeongjin was who he lived with, who he cared about most, who he trusted. Yeongjin behaving like this called his judgement into question, it made him look naïve when really he’d never expected Yeongjin to act like this and it was a complete surprise to him as well.

He was also worried now that Bobby would tell the boys, he wished he’d been more threatening with him, made him promise or shake on it. But then again Bobby wasn’t a tattle-tale or a gossip, and even though Hanbin was annoyed with him on so many levels he still trusted that Bobby’s integrity in such matters remained the same.

He let himself into the house bracing himself for whatever was to come. But no one was home, the cavernous house was quiet and empty. Where the hell was Yeongjin then? What a mess…

Not knowing what else to do Hanbin went upstairs, peeled off his wet clothes and had a hot shower. By the time he was dry and sitting on the edge of their bed he was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. He’d have a quick nap then wake up and work out what to do, he’d see if he had a spare phone in the house and try and call Yeongjin. He lay down and was asleep in moments.

 

***

 

Bobby drank soju after soju, hoping that soon it would start numbing the pain. He felt like a total mess, the worst he’d felt in months. He’d been going strong with staying out of trouble but what had passed just now had made him crack.

He couldn’t believe he’d just seen hanbin, let alone in the strange circumstances he had. It had been months since he’d seen Hanbin, not since his and Yeongjin’s party, and seeing him up close - one on one, near enough to have reached out and touched him, forty minutes spent together -  had been terrible and wonderful at the same time.

Terrible, because it had hurt and the conversation had been brutal and weird, but wonderful because dear god, he was still so darn attractive even when he was pissed off! And he’d missed being near him so, so, much.

He knew he was taking them out of context, and he knew that they didn’t mean anything the way he wanted them too, but Hanbin’s first words to him kept playing again and again in his mind.

_Thank god it’s you._

He knew Hanbin was only referring to the fact it had turned out to be him behind the wheel and not some creepy random wanting to give a hot guy a lift, possibly to a deserted location. But the words themselves when removed from their context were so heavenly and beautiful…

There had been a time, many times in fact, when Hanbin had said similar things to him and meant it with every fibre of his being. There had been a time when Hanbin had needed him and him alone, no one else could do, he’d been irreplaceable.

But now…

_No one has hurt me more in my life than you_

It hurt so much, it was describable. He was anxious now, he could feel himself slipping, settling back into heartbreak. He needed something to distract himself with…he remembered the whole mystery surrounding what had passed that day between Yeongjin and Hanbin…what the hell had happened?

Bobby could only guess that they’d had some kind of altercation…Hanbin had either left the vehicle or been forced from it…and Yeongjin had taken off…why they were out there in the first place was still a mystery.

Now He was angry again. Sure, Hanbin didn’t love him anymore, in fact he was pretty sure he hated him, but that didn’t erase the concern he felt for his safety.

Because who would do that to their boyfriend or girlfriend, or anyone they cared about? The situation Hanbin had been in was dangerous, he literally could have been abducted or taken for ransom, or gotten lost because honestly the guy could get lost walking from his bathroom to his bedroom, everyone knew that.

Full of adrenaline and excitement Bobby suddenly realised the potential of this whole incident. This was an opportunity to finally get the boys on his side. Three months ago he’d given up trying to get the boys to see Yeongjin the way he did, and he’d denounced his own suspicions as paranoia…but now…

He needed to tell them about this incident not just to prove himself right about Yeongjin but because Hanbin deserved better treatment than this. What kind of relationship did they have where this kind of thing was ok?? He was now more sure than ever that something was off about Yeongjin, something wasn’t right. He was dangerous.

But this time Bobby decided he was going to do things differently. Before he’d been angry and aggressive, he’d frightened the boys with his rage and pushed them away. He’d made the mistake of appearing more irrational than Yeongjin, but this time he was going to play it cool.

He sent Jinhwan a text message right away.

_Yo I need to talk to you and the boys about something. When you next free?_

 

***

 

“HANBIN!”

Hanbin opened his eyes in groggy surprise and sat up. Yeongjin was standing in the doorway. He melted to the floor completely beside himself with tears. Hanbin stared paralysed, he’d never seen Yeongjin cry and never imagined he would.

“Where did you go?!” Yeongin wept, “Why didn’t you stay there?! I was going to come back for you! But when I came back you were gone! I was so fucking scared! I didn’t know what happened to you!!”

“A-a car stopped and offered me a lift back…” he lied weakly. Yeongjin’s expression was slowly changing from blind terror to exhausted relief.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Yeongjin sobbed, his face in his hands. “If something had happened to you…”

“Don’t cry…” Hanbin voice broke, he could feel tears threatening to spill from his own eyes. He couldn’t stand hearing the pain in Yeongjin’s voice because he could tell it wasn’t just regret of abandoning him on the highway pushing him to this, it was the built-up stress and that had been his existence since his injury in Munich.

“Don’t cry…it’s ok…”

“I thought I’d lost you…” Yeongjin wept. “And it would have been all my fault.”

 

***

 

_What do you mean you’re not free for another week??_

Bobby was frustrated. He was back at home now and texting Jinwah. His new plan to expose Yeongjin had given him the discipline to stop drinking and get home sober but the boys were proving to be even busier than he’d anticipated. Jinhwan was taking longer and longer to reply to his messages and they were getting shorter and shorter.

_Next Monday Come dance prac_

Bobby frowned, he wanted to talk to the boys when he had their entire attention, not when they were in the middle of dance rehearsal. But this looked like it was going to be the earliest he could see them and he didn’t want to wait any longer.

_Fine._

It was hard but he was going to have to be patient if he was going to do this right.

 

***

 

There was a knock on Hanbin’s studio door and his stomach leapt. He knew it was Yeongjin and the fact he was knocking felt so weird. He usually just swept in so the strange formality was only further evidence things were still awkward after what had happened just the day before.

“Come in…”

Yeongjin came in on his crutches and stopped next to Hanbin at his desk. He reached into his pocket, took out a set of keys and placed them in front of him. Hanbin gave him a shy, questioning look.

“What are those for?” Hanbin asked, nodding at the keys.

“How about a weekend away? You and me?” Yeongjin asked softly. Hanbin could see a tenderness in his eyes and that gave him hope. “I own a small house out of town, it’s nothing special. I just think we need to spend some time together and talk properly about what happened the other day.”

Hanbin nodded feeling emotional, he chewed his bottom lip keep it from trembling. He was so relieved because this meant Yeongjin wanted to make things work, he wasn’t going to break up with him. Yeongjin had been shocked out of his mind when Hanbin had seemingly disappeared on the highway, but Hanbin knew that didn’t exactly mean they were in a good place in their relationship.

It was a relief to know that Yeongjin was now ready to try and properly patch things up and he knew right then and there that he’d go anywhere with Yeongjin if it meant their relationship was going to go back to the way it had been before the accident in Munich.

“Sure, let’s go.”

“Cool, get packing, let’s leave this afternoon,” Yeongjin smiled at him as his settled his crutches back under his arms. “And you can drive this time,” he added cheekily, making Hanbin smile.

It felt unbelievably good they were now able to make a joke about what happened when just yesterday it had felt like everything was spiralling out of control.

Things were going to get better, Hanbin told himself as he tossed clothes into an overnight bag, they had to there was no other option.

 

***

 

The arrived at the house that afternoon, it was only two hours drive away. It was a modern wooden structure located next to a pretty forest that gave it a remove feeling, despite the fact the local shops were just a minute long drive away. The air smelt of pine needles.

Hanbin was in charge of the keys and he let them in as Yeongjin would have struggled being on crutches. His hands were a little jittery though and he chuckled nervously as he tried to slot them into place. There was still so much unsaid between Yeongjin and himself, half of him wanted to dive straight into it and ask the big questions.

_Why did you drive off on me like that?_

_How could you?_

_Why are you blaming me for what happened in Munich?_

_Do you seriously think it was my fault?_

_Do you still want me? Or have I disappointed you too much?_

But his other non-confrontational, guilty side also didn’t want to get started. He was nervous, he was emotional. He’d barely slept last night because after Yeongjin had fallen asleep from crying he’d felt all messed up and confused. He’d laid awake worrying about Yeongjin and whether he was going to break up with him.

“I need to lie down for an hour, my knee hurts so bad…do you mind?” Yeongjin asked him gently.

“Sure, go ahead. I’ll go for a walk.”

“Ok…but don’t go too far,” Yeongjin seemed worried about his safety and Hanbin was touched. It was going to take some getting used to seeing this softer, emotional side of Yeongjin. Truth he told he wasn’t sure he was ready for it, he didn’t know how it was going to change things.

He wandered around the forest sticking to the path for about an hour, taking photos and breathing in the clean, rich air. He admonished himself for not spending more time in nature when he knew it was so good for him, it calmed him down instantly.

When he returned to the house Yeongjin was awake and lying down on the couch. It wasn’t cold but he’d set up the small fireplace which was now crackling and filling the room with a soft smokey scent.

“I want to apologise again…for driving off like that yesterday,” Yeongjin began without warning. Feeling emotionally unprepared Hanbin realised they were jumping straight into it. he sat down on the nearest couch feeling vulnerable. “I need to explain something to you…about why I am the way I am. Why sometimes I can do these stupid things…”

Hanbin nodded to show he was happy to hear Yeongjin’s explanation, he was dying to know what had been going through his mind.

“You see…I’ll admit it, I was really angry with you because of the way you accidentally distracted me at Munich, I was furious with you, I know you could tell. In the car when I received the bad news from Chang…what can I say I flipped.

But I flipped not just because I’m scare of losing my career, I’m scared of losing you. I’m afraid of not being good enough for, of never being good enough for you. Because the truth is, without my skating I’m pretty much a delinquent, I’m just a fucking misfit.”

“That’s not true,” Hanbin protested, amazed that Yeongjin secretly worried about not being good enough for him.

“No, it is. You have no idea, there is so much you don’t know about me.”

“Can you tell me? What’s important for me to know? Is this to do with your family or your childhood? I mean, you’ve suggested before you had a rough time as a kid.”

“Yeah. It’s to do with my family and my childhood was rough. You can definitely say that.” Yeongjin chuckled darkly. “You see my childhood was actually so rough I have only ever told one person before you about it. And even then I only told them 10% of the story.”

“What happened…?” Hanbin asked feeling chilled. There was something very sinister in the way Yeongjin was confiding in him, like he was preparing himself in case Hanbin wouldn’t believe him. But Hanbin wanted to know now, he wanted to know what had given Yeongjin his scars, the one’s you couldn’t see at first.

“Do you want to know why I started skating?” Yeongjin asked in a deadly serious voice. “I started skating so I could get away faster when I needed to.”

“What happened at “home”…? You can tell me, I won’t judge you…” Hanbin reassured him, wanting desperately to know now what suffering Yeongjin had lived through.

“You see you say that, everyone does,” Yeongjin said bitterly, “But I promise you that no matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how much you brace yourself…once I tell you about how I grew up you will never see me the same way again. Because you’re sweet and have a sense of justice, I know you won’t be disgusted, I know you won’t be angry and blame me…but I know Hanbin that you will see me differently.”

“I want to know you…I want to understand…no matter how terrible it is…”

But Yeongjin was right, nothing could have prepared Hanbin for such a story and tears of shock began to run silently down his face as Yeongjin told him about the first seven years of his life.

“That’s all I can tell you right now, don’t make me say anymore, it’s just too…” Yeongjin was looking absolutely wasted, Hanbin could see how painful it was for him to talk about such things and he realised for the first time just how unbelievable it was Yeongjin was able to contain such memories and experiences within him and still pursue the daring, exciting, thrill-seeking life he did.

Hanbin realised maybe that was the only way Yeongjin could forget what he’d been through, he needed to keep himself distracted. Or maybe he just needed to face fear and fear again to prove to himself it no longer held him under its control the way it once for so long when he was so young and helpless.

Hanbin nodded, he was too ashamed to admit he didn’t know if he had the stomach to hear anymore, it was too shocking, too unexpected.

“So, you see…I have a lot of darkness bottled up inside me,” Yeongjin said in a tight, uneasy voice. “Most of the time, 99% of the time, it stays like that, bottled up so tightly you’d never know it was there. But sometimes, it just comes out…and I can’t stop it…and I do bad things…like how I reacted after Munich, and what I did to you yesterday…”

Munich and what happened yesterday suddenly seemed insignificant compared to the series of confessions Yeongjin had just made about his childhood. It seemed incredibly petty and unforgiving of Hanbin to not understand those impulsive bad behaviours of Yeongjin as a result not only of stress but as an impulsive reaction due to some deep, terrible traumas.

Yeongjin, Hanbin now realised was far more complicated than he’d ever guessed and that there was still a lot left to learn. He felt closer to him but also more daunted than ever.

But at the same time, he reminded himself that he’d thrown away the boys at times when he’d been pushed to breaking point, he’d lashed out and hurt others when he was suffering. It was only fair he forgave everything in Yeongjin he wanted others to forgive in him.

“Listen, you’re good enough for me, even without your career. We don’t know what will happen yet with your knee, but I will stay by you. I won’t leave you because you’re going through a hard time, I won’t desert you.”

“You won’t ‘do a Bobby?’” Yeongjin asked teasingly as tears trickled out of his own beautiful, sad eyes.

“Fuck no. I won’t, I won’t do to you what he did to me, that’s a promise.” Hanbin took Yeongjin’s face in his hands and smoothed his hair down with his palms.

“I know you don’t like pity, so I won’t tell you I’m sorry about your childhood. But just know that I hate what happened to you and if I could, I would kill the people who hurt you. All of them.”

“The world’s a fucked-up place, Hanbin. Thank god I found you in it.” Yeongjin sighed, leaning his forehead against Hanbin’s. “You want to know something crazy I haven’t told you before..?” He whispered in a voice that made Hanbin’s heart ache with adoration.

“…I loved you before you even knew I existed. I loved you from first sight, watching snatches of Mix and Match. I didn’t know anything about music, I didn’t know anything about YG, hip hop or rap or the idol industry, I didn’t watch tv growing up, I barely saw a radio….

But when I saw you, I just knew I loved you. And loving you got me through a really bad time in my life. I’d just come out of a relationship with someone who really tore me apart. They were the first person I’d ever trusted enough to tell them about my childhood, and they used that against me.

I’m just a fucked-up, out-cast, loser Hanbin, that’s the truth.” Yeonngjin was crying now and so was Hanbin. “But if you can keep loving me…and forgive me for my weaknesses…Forgive me for being a dick and driving off on you, forgive me for blaming you for my injury. It’s not fair to you.”

Yeongjin didn’t need to continue apologising because Hanbin was already in his arms, caressing his face, kissing his lips. He pressed his tear-stricken face into Yeongjin’s neck, held on tight to the sturdy arms that were pulling him down onto the bed so they could make love, and told him again and again that it was ok, he wasn’t going to desert him.

Lying together in each other’s arms, holding each other as if scared of the other being torn away from their grasp, Hanbin knew they were going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine. Yeongjin had forgiven him, he had forgiven Yeongjin.

And he’d do it again if he had to.

 

***

 

Finally it was Monday night and Bobby was about to see the boys. He'd been waiting for this all week. The more he thought about the incident between Yeongjin and Hanbin on the highway the more dodgy and toxic it sounded. Something wasn't right, something wasn't safe about it. He strolled through the YG building where the boys did their rehearsals, reminding himself to stay calm and keep cool. 

The most important thing was to make sure he sounded sane and rational, that was the only way he was going to finally be able to make the boys take his worries about Yeongjin being dangerous seriously. Yeongjin had hurt him and now he'd potentially hurt Hanbin, well at least put him into serious danger. But soon enough the boys were going to start seeing him for who he really was, and Bobby was so ready for it. 

He opened the door of the boy's practice room and music enveloped him like a hug. The boys were still mid-routine so Bobby sat down on the floor in front of them and watched them, nodding his head along to the music and hyping them up when necessary. 

As they danced Donghyuk gave him a wink and Yunhyeong incorporated a wave hello into one of his moves. 

After the routine the boys guzzled water then greeted Bobby happily, each hugging him and letting him ruffle their hair. 

"What's up Kimbap?" Jinhwan asked chirpily even though he was looking more tired than usual. 

"Oh you know...not much, just working on the album, going to the gym, seeing Mum and Dad, staying out of trouble..."

"Good," Junhwan nodded approvingly. This was what he wanted to hear, Bobby growing and acting like an adult. 

"...But there is something on my mind I want to talk to you guys about...."

His serious voice made the boys stop being silly with each other and look at him. Taking a deep breath Bobby braced himself to deliver the truth bomb and continued.

"It's about Hanbin and Yeongjin. Something's just not right..."

 


	21. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recrimination
> 
> (n.) An angry statement in which you accuse or criticise a person who has accused or criticised you.

With Bobby’s mention of Hanbin and Yeongjin a tense atmosphere descended upon the training room. After several months of fun, peaceful reconciliation no one wanted another horrible fight about Hanbin and his choice of partner with Bobby.

The boys all glanced at Jinhwan, who as the leader and Hanbin’s closest emotional confidant, would inevitably be the one to guide the trajectory of the conversation. He was wiping his face down with a towel but listening carefully. Bobby braced himself for resistance.

“I’m not trying to be dramatic,” Bobby continued, trying to sound as objective and calm as possible, “but something weird happened the other day, and I need to tell you because…well, I just think you should know for Hanbin’s safety.”

To everyone’s surprise, including Bobby’s, Jinhwan regarded him patiently and calmly, apparently in the mood to hear him out.

“What’s up Bobby?”

Bobby was taken aback for a second but then quickly launched into his story.

“Well, the other day I was going for a drive out of town, I was going to place where I like to think and listen to music and stuff. Anyway, it was raining, I was driving along, about fifty minutes out from Seoul, minding my own business… and guess who I saw walking along the side to the highway in the rain?”

The boys had no idea where this story was going and Bobby’s eyes darted between them, looking for signs that he was getting them on board.

“It was _Hanbin_. At first, I thought I was crazy and seeing things, because why the hell would he be so far out of town and all by himself on this random highway? But I went back to check and it was him! But that’s not even the weirdest part….” Bobby warned them, trying to brace them for his next revelation. 

He explained to them the conversation he’d had with the soaking wet Hanbin in the car, how bizarre it had been to discover Hanbin had neither his phone or his wallet, and how his words “He’s going through a hard time,” seemed to only confirm his suspicions that Yeongjin was involved and had kicked Hanbin out of the car.

“And so…I think something happened between them, a big fight or something, and Yeongjin booted Hanbin out of the car leaving him to walk all the way back to Seoul…fucked up, huh?” He finished satisfied he’d told the story with the right balance of facts and tone.  Jinhwan nodded while the other boys processed the information. Bobby was relieved to see they all looked rather confused.

“Ok, thanks for letting us know, it’s been noted,” Jinhwan walked over and gave Bobby a pat on the shoulder.

There was an awkward silence as the rest of the boys also gave him small smiles and began collecting their things so they could leave the studio. Bobby sat bewildered still on the floor, he could tell they were trying to move on from the moment as quickly as possible but felt bad about doing so and it made him annoyed.

“So…that’s it? You’re not going to do anything about it…?”

“No, not at this stage, Bobby.” Jinhwan replied, his calm tone now pissing Bobby off. “Where do you want to eat for dinner?” Jinhwan asked the group, changing the topic completely.

“Whoah, whoah whoah! Hold up!” Bobby scrambled to his feet, his blood pressure rising. “Aren’t we going to talk about this?”

“No, we’re not going to talk about it, Bobby,” Jinhwan replied shortly.

“Why? This is serious! This Yeongjin could be a complete psycho!”

“Because there is nothing to talk about! Hanbin and Yeongjin are _fine_ , they’re doing _great_.”

Bobby fell silent at that, it felt like a nightmare unfolding.

“What do you mean they’re doing great?” he demanded stubbornly. “How can any couple be doing great if they’re kicking each other out of cars on highways in the rain! How? In what relationship is that ok or normal??”

“But they are fine, aren’t they?” Jinhwan looked round at the boys to back him up. They hated to upset Bobby, but they weren’t sure they could deny Jinhwan was right. After all, they’d just seen Yeongjin and Hanbin the night before…

 

***

 

On Sunday night the boys finally had a chance to see Hanbin and Yeongjin for the first time since they arrived back in Seoul. Despite the fact he had been missing them and would have liked the distraction, trying to neutralise the tension with Yeongjin had been the priority and he’d managed to keep the boys at bay until they had made up.

The brief two-day stay at Yeongjin’s house in the countryside had worked wonders in a bittersweet, melancholy way. The rest of their time had been spent in bed, rediscovering the tenderness with each other that had been lost after Munich. With every kiss, caress, stroke and sigh Hanbin felt Yeongjin’s adoration return to him, possibly with even more intensity than before. And like an addict he soaked it up not letting a single soothing moment go to waste.

They returned to Seoul clingy, quiet, still shaken, but very relieved -  at least they were sure of where they stood with each other again. Hanbin had driven them home haunted by the images Yeongjin had described from his childhood. He couldn’t begin to comprehend it and he knew in some ways Yeongjin was right, he wasn’t sure if he could ever see Yeongjin without remembering his past now he knew about it.

Knowing what Yeongjin had been through was jarring, but it also made a lot of sense to Hanbin. How could anyone survive such cruelty, exploitation and abandonment so young and not come out of it with scars? It was impossible. But he had issues too…plenty of them, and he also knew the pain of people not being able to see past his.

Determined to do his very best to see Yeongjin as Yeongjin, and not Yeongjin the child, Hanbin pushed those stories out of his mind and threw himself into repairing their intimacy as much as possible and Yeongjin was more than happy to receive it. He let Hanbin cook for him, help him shower, give him pain killers, and even check his temperature although it was completely unnecessary. Hanbin had been sure Yeongjin had a pink flush in his pale cheeks which made Yeongjin roll his eyes in amusement and barrel him down into his arms onto the couch once it was over.

The certainty and reassurance that came from knowing Yeongjin was aware his blaming behaviour had been cruel hit Hanbin like a rush of morphine, and his anxiety abated more and more every day. Suddenly he was ready to see the boys and he knew Yeongjin was too, now he was in a headspace to take their inevitable questions about his accident in Munich as concern, not pity.

Hanbin invited them over at late notice, just that Sunday morning and thankfully they were free. The boys had been expecting to find Hanbin in a worried, anxious state. As for Yeongjin, they had no idea what to expect, they couldn’t imagine what he was going through.

So they had been surprised when Hanbin greeted them at the door with a big smile and relaxed demeanour.

“Hello children,” Hanbin joked in his best Yunhyeong voice as they greeted him enthusiastically. Yunhyeong went over the top, slapping Hanbin on the back and grabbing him around the waist, and Junhoe played it down of course, giving Hanbin’s shoulder a pat but accepting a tender pat on the back of his head with a small blush that everyone noticed.

The boys greeted Yeongjin warmly too, hugging him and fist-bumping. When they expressed their condolences about his accident Hanbin held his breath, but Yeongjin just smiled and shrugged as if to say “whatever, shit happens.”

They sat down on the luxurious couches and began to chat more freely

“So, how are you?” Donghyuk asked Hanbin and Yeongjin who were opposite him, sitting next to each other on a couch. The question was almost silly because it was clear to everyone in the room that the two were going strong despite the unfortunate circumstances surrounding Yeongjin’s injury.

Hanbin’s hand threaded through Yeongjin’s protectively and Yeongjin’s fingers slowly, patiently stroked his fingers in return. At Dong’s question the couple smiled mysteriously, sharing an in-joke.

“Well…” Yeongjin chuckled knowingly.

“We’re good _now_ …as good as things can be,” Hanbin looked at Yeongjin thoughtfully, referring to his injury and the fact his career was still up in the air. Yeongjin nodded and the boys saw a flash of worry across his face. It was fascinating seeing this more subdued Yeongjin. He’d always been chill and relaxed, but he’d had a silent, powerful energy about him that left the boys in now doubt he had more energy than all of them put together. It was like he’d always forced himself to sit still for Hanbin’s sake who lived a notoriously placid life, but deep down he was itching to get out and do something involving danger and adrenaline. But now Yeongjin seemed weary, and that was the closest thing to fragility any of them had seen from him so far.

“Things have been a bit rough since…” Yeongjin gestured to his knee which was not so swollen now but still bandaged, “and we actually had this massive fight the other day,” Yeongjin confessed with a humble smile at Hanbin who nodded also smiling.

“Really? What happened?” Yunhyeong asked, wanting the juicy details. Hanbin waved his hands dismissively, he knew Yeongjin didn’t want to over the whole story, he still felt bad about it.

“It was a very silly situation involving a long drive, a bad phone call, a fight in the car, some rain and a whole lot of freaking out…but we were both stressed, it’s been a hard time…hasn’t it?” Hanbin looked at Yeongjin with a fondness that made the boy’s hearts melt. Yeongjin looked at Hanbin and nodded, looking so appreciative of him they melted even further.

“We’re happy to hear that you’re ok. ‘Car-fights’ are the worst, aren’t they?” Jinhwan grinned cheekily at Junhoe who rolled his eyes so aggressively everyone was sure they were going to disappear into the back of his head. He’d been a victim of several ‘car-fights’ in the past with an over-tired, over-emotional Jinhwan and knew all about it.

“The. Worst.” His emphatic tone made everyone laugh. Hanbin shifted his arm around the back of Yeongjin’s shoulders and they talked and joked happily together as a group until the boys had to leave around midnight.

“Let us know if you need anything ok?” Jinhwan told Hanbin softly as he hugged him goodbye downstairs in the underground carpark of the house.

“Yeah, of course.” Hanbin reassured him.

“If you ever need to talk about anything…if you and Yeongjin fight etc. you can always call me, you know that right?”

“Yeah…I _know_ ,” Hanbin laughed giving Jinhwan’s soft cheek a teasing pat. “Just go home already, stop being a Mum.”

Once the boys had been buzzed out the security gate Hanbin returned to the loungeroom where Yeongjin was resting his leg and enjoying a cigarette.

“…why does this place have to have so many fucking stairs,” Yeongjin grumbled jokingly. He was looking at the staircase they had to climb every night to go to bed.

“Well…” Hanbin smirked, lowering himself onto Yeongjin’s firm, muscular thighs, “we can just stay here?”

Yeongjin’s took his hips in his hands and he nuzzled his face against Hanbin’s chest, inhaling deeply. 

“I need you.” He mumbled, his lips tickling Hanbin’s skin underneath his shirt, “I really, really, really need you.”

“What’s wrong, you ok?” Hanbin asked, burying his face in Yeongjin’s hair. Yeongjin sighed and looked up at him, looking at his lips as he spoke.

“If I be honest with you, telling you about my past has kinda taken the lid of things…I feel messed up inside. I was surprised how fine I as after I told you…but it seems it has hit me a few days later…” Hanbin’s heart ached as Yeongjin’s dark, tired eyes flicked up into his own.

“What are you feeling?”

“I’m remembering the big hole that was here…” Yeongjin touched the centre of his chest with palm, “the hole that kept getting bigger and bigger until you came along…and made flowers grow out of it.”

“I should put that line into some lyrics…” Hanbin said softly, weakly trying to diffuse the sadness of the situation. Yeongjin laughed and he returned to his carefree, nonchalant self in a split second. 

“Well come on then, take it off,” he started pulling Hanbin’s shirt up and Hanbin helped him, happy to oblige.

 

***

 

…Feeling bad the boys nodded awkwardly. They didn’t want to upset Bobby but they could only be honest about what they’d seen.

“They were all over each other.” Chanwoo admitted.

“They mentioned they’d had a big fight, but they were joking about it…they just didn’t say what exactly happened, they didn’t tell us the whole story…” Donghyuk said thoughtfully. He didn’t know what to do because he could see Bobby getting more and more agitated and Jinhwan getting increasingly frustrated. Jinhwan had been in a prickly mood the last few weeks which Dong put down to feeling tired and worn out as their leader. He wanted to tell Bobby to not push things tonight but he couldn’t now, it was too late.

“Now you know! It was me that picked Hanbin up and drove him home! And you know what he told me?? He said “don’t tell Yeongjin about this!” Uh, sorry, but that’s fucked up!” Bobby insisted.

“Ok, ok, let’s go get dinner and talk about this after,” Yunhyeong suggested, taking Bobby by the shoulders to deescalate the situation.

“No, we’re not going to talk about this after dinner!” Jinhwan snapped.

“Why??” Bobby demanded in an aggressive tone that made Jinhwan’s face flush with anger.

“Because Hanbin and Yeongjin are ok and Hanbin knows he can talk to me anytime if something is wrong, and he _hasn’t_!”

“You’re an idiot if you think Hanbin will tell you everything just because you want him to,” Bobby derided, hating Jinhwan trying to tell him he was the primary expert on Hanbin’s idiosyncrasies when it came to communication. No one knew Hanbin more than he did, he would go to his grave arguing that. Suddenly Jinhwan snapped.

“HANBIN ISN’T YOURS TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE. HE’S NOT YOURS. HE IS NOW NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU NEED TO STOP INTERFERING IN THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL,” Jinhwan cried startling the room.

“HE IS THOUGH!” Bobby roared back, “I WORRY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE YOU’RE HIS FRIENDS AND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK OUT FOR HIM AND YOU’RE NOT DOING YOU’RE FUCKING JOB!”

“You’re jealous Bobby! You’re jealous of Yeongjin!” Jinhwan accused. But instead of falling into ashamed silence Bobby responded immediately with the truth he couldn’t hold back any longer.

“YES I AM. OF COURSE I’M FUCKING JEALOUS. I’VE BEEN JEALOUS SINCE I FIRST SAW HIM PUT HIS SLIMEY HAND ON HANBIN IN THE RESTAURANT. I’M JEALOUS BECAUSE I LOVE HANBIN MORE THAN HE EVER COULD AND I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER KICK SOMEONE I LOVE OUT OF A CAR ON A HIGHWAY AND MAKE THEM WALK BACK TO FUCKING SEOUL IN THE RAIN.”

Bobby came to a panting finish and the boys stared, shocked by his raw, embarrassing honesty.

But it was true, Bobby now had to accept it. Ever since that incident in the restaurant, Bobby had thought if he’d kept the secret of his jealousy of Yeongjin having Hanbin hidden even from himself it wouldn’t hurt so much. But it hadn’t worked, it had only been poisoning him slowly from the inside.

“Admitting you’re jealous doesn’t make it ok, Bobby,” Jinhwan scolded with disgust. “You’re being possessive and controlling!”

“I don’t care, can’t you see that!? I know Yeongjin is a creep and none of you will listen even though there is evidence to prove it!”

"I can see why Hanbin didn’t want you back, Bobby,” Jinhwan muttered. The boys looked at him in surprise, horrified he’d go so far and say something so cruel. June’s mouth fell open and Chanwoo covered his own with his hand.

 Bobby froze as his cheeks went from red with anger back to their normal colour. Defeated and in more pain than he could handle Bobby shrugged like a man with nothing left to give.

 “I made a mistake.” He nodded bitterly, his voice gravelly with emotion, “A big mistake. I should never have left Hanbin, I should never have left him when I did, I should never have asked to be friends with him...I fucked up! I really fucked up! There I’ve said it! what more do you want from me??” Bobby begged, gripping his own shirt in frustration. “What can I do?? Just tell me!!”

 “But we have told you Bobby,” Jinhwan said sadly. “We’ve told you heaps of times – _leave him alone_.”

 Bobby shook his head, ran his hand through his hair then spun around and stormed from the room, leaving the boys in stunned silence. Jinwhan turned to the boys with flustered pink cheeks, still trying to calm down.

 “Right, where are we getting dinner?”

 

***

 

Namkyu drove up the imposing mansion on the hill bracing himself for one of Hanbin’s bleak moods. If there was anything Namkyu knew about Hanbin it was that he pretended to take disappointment well, but it actually really threw him and left him reeling emotionally for a long time.

He suspected that would be the case now, considering Hanbin had been so excited to spend time with Yeongjin overseas and live a new exciting life for nine months. But it had been cut short and Hanbin was back with a potentially very unhappy Yeongjin.

He was disappointed for Hanbin but there was another part of him that felt relieved. As he predicted Hanbin had been a very poor communicator while overseas. He’s done his best to leave Hanbin alone as much as possible, but he’d still needed to keep him in the YG loop of things, forcing him to send Hanbin updates to future schedules and company decisions. Hanbin had taken days to return his messages, even when Namkyu had told him he just needed to send back a quick “got it” that was all. He’d been patient and even taken a few hits from the management team when he failed to provide them with updates about Hanbin’s safety and welfare in L.A., but he was used to it with Hanbin now. That’s just the way he was, he zoned out when he was obsessed with something.

The building intercom buzzed and Hanbin raced from the kitchen where he’d been eating with Yeongjin and headed downstairs to the garage.

When Namkyu got out of his black YG BMW Hanbin gave him a huge hug around the middle which made him laugh.

“Long time no see,” Namkyu chuckled, giving his client a good hug back. Hanbin burst into his song, finishing the line where Nam left off and they returned to the loungeroom, arms slung around each other’s shoulders, Nam grinning ear to ear. Remembering Yeongjin’s comments about Namkyu Hanbin quickly released him.

“Hello Jin,” Namkyu nodded at Yeongjin who nodded back.

“Hey Nam, how’s it going bro?” They’re weren’t exactly on hugging terms and Hanbin wasn’t sure if they ever would be, but that was ok, he was sure they were more fond of each other than they let on.

“I’m sorry about your injury, hopefully you’ll be back in the game soon.”

Hanbin and Yeongjin looked at each other and Namkyu realised he’d said something wrong. Before he had time to backtrack Hanbin changed the subject.

“So, what’s the deal…what do you need from me?” Namkyu gave Hanbin a pained look as if to say “don’t make me the bad guy!”

Hanbin was technically still on holiday, but he knew how YG worked, you always ended up working on holidays even when you were promised complete freedom. Whether it was making a public appearance, having dinner with a certain board member, supporting another YG family members album...something always came up and you didn’t have any choice about it.

“Well…No. He doesn’t want you back at work, but he does want you to attend a small YG family event at the end of next week.”

“Ummm…I’m not sure about that...” Hanbin didn’t want to leave Yeongjin and go to party, even if it was for YG family, he’d been finding it hard to leave Yeongjin for even five minutes the last few days. But Namkyu gave him a knowing smile as if he’d already prepared for Hanbin’s hesitation.

“YG has extended the invitation to you too Yeongjin…” Hanbin and Yeongjin looked at Namkyu in surprise at the same time.

“Really??”

“Really??”

“Well it’s going to be a small event to celebrate the birthday of an old company investor, it’s just YG family and friends…no media…”

“Cool,” Yeongjin smiled, obviously liking the sound of a chance to leave the house and be seen with Hanbin, but Hanbin felt worried.

“We’ll think about it..” he said evasively, “Also Nam I want to play a track for you, come,” Hanbin gestured his manager to follow him upstairs, leaving Yeongjin in the kitchen to eat. When they were safely inside Hanbin’s studio he turned to Namkyu looking serious.

“Why did you do that??”

“What?” Namkyu asked, confused by Hanbin’s irritation.

“What did you invite him like that?? You should have asked me to ask him!”

“What of it, why didn’t you want me to tell Yeongjin he was invited?”

“Isn’t Bobby going to be there??”

“Ahhh...” Namkyu nodded, understanding Hanbin’s agitation. He began to wonder if something else had happened between Yeongjin and Bobby that was giving Hanbin reason to worry.

“Apparently Bobby won’t be going. He’s been asked to take break from partying and focus before his solo debut which is coming up soon.”

“I don’t want him to go, I want to be sure he won’t be there.” Hanbin crossed his arms stubbornly. He felt trapped because he didn’t want to upset Yeongjin and tell him he couldn’t come, but he sure as hell didn’t want him and Bobby to be in the same room anytime soon, or ever again for that matter.

He remembered the stressful interrogation Bobby had subjected him to in the car, while he sat there soaked, confused and upset. He hadn’t forgotten Bobby’s disgust and anger when he worked out Yeongjin had been involved. He hoped, really hoped, that Bobby wouldn’t dare say anything…but who really knew? Bobby was so belligerent sometimes…it made him furious.

“Tell me honestly Hanbin, what is your concern? That Yeongjin won’t behave himself or that Bobby won’t behave himself?” Namkyu asked shrewdly and Hanbin felt the tiniest bit of judgment directed at Yeongjin.

“Bobby for sure. He’s convinced Yeongjin is a terrible person and I don’t want to subject Yeongjin to that, particularly not when he’s going through such a hard time. Yeongjin doesn't care about Bobby anymore, he's indifferent. He won't do anything.”

“Bobby's not going to be there Hanbin, I looked at the attendee list today. You and Yeongjin are safe.” Hanbin didn’t appreciate the irony in his manager’s voice but he finally felt reassured.

Now he and Yeongjin were good again he didn’t want anything to happen, he didn’t want anything to disturb their second honeymoon. He didn’t want there to be any situation in which Bobby could potentially let slip to Yeongjin about finding him on the highway. Yeongjin didn’t know Bobby had given him a lift home and Hanbin had no desire to tell him, he didn’t know how he would react.

But then again, he realised, why should he and Yeongjin be fearful of leaving the house just because Bobby was going to be around? He had no right to dictate their lives like that, no right at all.

“Ok, ok…well we’ll go I guess..if Yeongjin feels up to it. It will depend on his leg and whether he can walk on it…”

“Speak to him and let me know, ok?” Namkyu gave Hanbin a patient smile, glad to see his client was otherwise in good spirits. “Now do you actually have a new song for me to listen to?”

“Yeah, take a seat,” Hanbin laughed, pulling a chair up for Namkyu to sit on.

 

***

 

When Bobby first heard about the YG party he wasn’t interested and didn’t even care he wasn’t allowed to accept his invitation – according to the manager responsible for him at the moment, YG wanted him to focus on his album, not partying.

He got the feeling that everyone in the whole freaking YG building knew he was unstable at the moment. He felt a bit like he was a criminal on probation, being contained from any more trouble before he was up for sentence review. But did anyone actually care how he was feeling? Did anyone really want to know what was eating him up inside? Not really…

_Just turn the pain into a song they said….it will be easy they said…_

He was too depressed and pissed off after his fight with Jinhwan to want to party. He hadn’t heard from Jinhwan since the fight a week ago, and he certainly hadn’t approached Jinhwan. He was more furious with the guy than he’d been in his entire life. He was pissed off with the boys too, but not enough to cut them off again.

Donghyuk had visited him in the studio the day after the big fight with Jinhwan, brought along a box of Bobby’s favourite pizza, and explained the difficulty the situation was placing them all in.

“This is really hard…I get you, like, I get what you were worried because if Yeongjin really did kick Hanbin out of the car that’s not cool. But I’m not going to lie to you Bobby, Hanbin and Yeongjin seemed better than ever when we met up the other night. Jinhwan wasn’t just being petty or trying to shut you down.”

“Well why did he seem to be petty and trying to shut me down then!” Bobby demanded through a mouth full of pizza.

“Look…Jinani has been really exhausted lately, I think he feels overworked. You got him on a bad night, but also, this has been going on for a really long time for him…to be honest Bobby, he’s been caught between you and Hanbin as a mediator for ages now.”

“What are you talking about? He’s always been on Hanbin’s side!” Bobby scoffed.

“He loves you, Bobby, he really does. He just doesn’t want you to hurt Hanbin again…he wants you to let him be so he can move on…so he doesn’t have to nurse Hanbin through a second heartbreak…you don’t realise this but being Hanbin’s emotional support system after you left was really fucking hard on all of us, especially Jinhwan. He literally had to tell Hanbin to eat, to sleep, to leave the house, to shower, to go to the bathroom, to see people, to see his family…he did that for a year because the guy was a zombie.”

“Whatever, I don’t give a fuck.” Bobby interrupted, hating to hear about the pain he’d put Hanbin through. “Let Jinhwan take sides. I don’t need him,” he scowled, feeling a pain in his heart at the idea of Jinhwan taking sides against him. “I can’t take him telling me how Hanbin works, I know him better than anyone. And that includes fucking Yeongjerk!”

“Yeongjerk?” Donghyuk couldn’t help laughing. “Is that what you call him now?”

“Coz that’s what he is.” Bobby pushed the pizza box towards Dong across the desk, telling him to eat some too. Donghyuk shook his head in amusement and picked up a slice, deciding that there was simply no easy way to do this. All he could do was support Jinhwan and Bobby at the same time, as impossible as it seemed. He was just going to have to work it out as he went along…

However, when Bobby overheard Diggy listing to Choice who was going to be at the party, and that Hanbin and “his new guy” were going to be there, he froze.

“Yeah? Isn’t the guy a skater or something?” Diggy confirmed with Choice who nodded.

“Yep, a pro skater….”

“Interesting…what about Jiyong, is he going to be there? I haven’t seen him in ages..”

Bobby didn’t hear the rest of the conversation because it didn’t matter. All he cared about was the fact he had been presented with a unique opportunity: he could go and see for himself whether or not Hanbin and Yeongjin were ok. He’d be able to tell in a flash, he could read Hanbin like a book and he could read Yeongjin even faster.

He took out his phone and called up YG directly, he needed to convince him to let him go to the party. He was going to promise not to drink and to behave himself, anything to get a chance to catch a glimpse of everyone’s favourite new couple and judge for himself. Because ultimately, he didn’t trust Yeongjin, he didn’t trust that the boys trusted Yeongjin, and he didn’t trust Hanbin to be honest about his relationship. God knows, he hadn’t always been honest about the state of theirs.

 

***

 

_Fuck_

 

 Hanbin's hand leapt over his chest feeling his heart race. He’d spotted something.

He and Yeongjin had been chatting with YG and Taeyang for a while now while the music pumped and the lights flashed around them. The party was held in a large function room in the YG building. YG family members stood around looking intimidating and cool, and despite his status within the company Hanbin couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable when surrounded by such a tough crowd. To his amusement, Yeongjin seemed to fit in better than he did with his cutting edge style, tattoos and harsh looks.

He was also amused that YG appeared to be fascinated by Yeongjin and had been asking him endless questions about skating and his career. Yeongjin answered politely but vaguely at the same time, and Hanbin now knew why. Yeongjin’s past was like a wild dog he kept at bay by putting up several barbed wire fences. Taking even just one fence down was a risk when the dog behind howled and barked so fiercely.

He’d been listening to Yeongjin artfully dodge YG’s prying questions when something caught his eye, making his stomach drop. Bobby had just entered the room and was greeting everyone he knew.

Hanbin watched in a panic as he smiled and swagged his way around the room.

_Why are you here?? You're not supposed to be there!!_

Suddenly they made eye contact across the room. Hanbin gulped looking grim. Bobby felt his heart stop with a messy emotion that was both happiness and sadness at once. He was so happy he was sad, he was so sad he was happy.

Bobby raised his eyebrows in ironic greeting and moved on to the next person. Hanbin turned back to Yeongjin who was still being interrogated by YG. Hanbin knew what he needed to do, he needed to get to Bobby first, he need to take control of the situation immediately.

“Excuse me for a second,” Hanbin muttered, taking leave of YG and Yeongjin. He began to make his way across the dark room to where Bobby had been just seconds ago but someone grabbed his arm.

“B.I.!”

Hanbin turned to find his arm in the grip of one of the board directors who had been most adamant about preserving his career when the scandal flared up for the second time two years ago. Frustrated but unable to express it, he smiled and greeted the director properly with a bow.

“Hello sir, how are you?”

“Don’t be so formal!” the director smiled, not convincing Hanbin that they were equals at all. “Tell me, how was your time in L.A.?”

Agitated but trapped, Hanbin began to reel off a list of safe things to tell the director about his time in L.A., all the while looking for Bobby from the corner of his eye. But the conversation went on and on, and it was hard to hear the softly spoken man above the loud hip hop music. By the time the director had finally been distracted by Lee Hi, and Hanbin could scan the room, Bobby was gone. He turned around back to where YG had been but he was now talking to Daesung and Yeongjin was gone.

Feeling dread rise in his stomach like a volcano he willed himself not to panic.

 

***

 

After making eye contact with Hanbin, Bobby had needed time to recover. He wondered if maybe he’d made a terrible mistake, after all, there was no doubt Hanbin and Yeongjin would be touchy feely with each other. Well at least they would be if they were in a good place, so he was going to get an answer at least anyway.

He went to get a glass of water from the bar, keeping his promise to YG not to touch a drop of alcohol which had been the terms of his attendance, and drank it slowly, trying to decide whether he had the energy to go up to the Blackpink girls and joke around with them for a while. Perhaps then from a safe distance he could try and suss out Hanbin and Yeongjin, see what signs he could pick up.

The boys had been unable to attend, they were in Daegu. In a way he was glad, he didn’t want Jinhan getting on his case again.

“Hey Bobby,” the voice came from his left surprising him because he knew exactly who it was. He immediately felt cold disgust. He hadn’t imagined Yeongjin would have the nerve to come up to him at a label event like this, especially when he had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Yeongjin and wouldn’t be accepting any apologies any time soon. 

He faced Yeongjin coldly and stared down at the hand Yeongjin was extending him. He didn’t shake it and with a chuckle Yeongjin retracted it.

Yeongjin was very dressed up, he’d gone for a hip hop look and it bothered Bobby that he looked cool. He felt rather under-dressed himself now, he should have worn more bling.

“I’ve been wanting us to have a chat for a while, do you think we could go outside for a few minutes?” Yeongjin was doing his best to seem as friendly and non-intimidating as possible, but for some reason that made Bobby hate him even more. It made him all the more false and deceptive.

Part of him would have loved to have scolded Yeongjin right there and then, to see the embarrassment on his face. But he knew he would be the one looking bad, and he’d been let into the party by YG on strict terms of good personal conduct. Another part of him would have loved to have just walked away and left Yeongjin hanging, make him feel as unimportant as possible, the way he’d made him feel. But the most pressing part of himself was deeply curious. He wanted to know what the douchebag had to say for himself, he wanted to know how deep Yeongjin could dig himself into his own lies and excuses. And when it came to Yeongjin potentially fucking up, he was totally there for it.

“Make it quick,” Bobby grunted. The two of them exited the main room, forgetting about Hanbin completely, and headed back along the corridor that led them to the exit foyer of the YG building and into the carpark.

Yeongjin walked ahead slowly with a limp, but he didn’t seem to be in pain. Bobby followed behind, adrenaline rushing through his body. 

Once they were outside in the car park Yeongjin lit up a cigarette at a leisurely pace and Bobby leaned his back against the wall, arms crossed against his chest, watching him with disdain. He noticed Yeongjin was wearing a pair of earrings Hanbin used to wear and felt sick.

Yeongjin turned to him after exhaling the white, silky smoke of his first puff. He gave Bobby a bashful “well here we are!” smile, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his cigarette.

“So, I never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was about what happened at the party, how those stupid guards beat you up like that. It was a massive shock and I didn’t handle it well that night. And to be honest, I felt guilty because it happened on my property.”

Bobby looked at Yeongjin sourly. He could feel Yeongjin trying to slip under his skin, poking around under his ribcage, trying to find his heart. But he didn’t want Yeongjin to go anywhere near his heart, he had steeled himself against Yeongjin from the moment he’d first seen him step out of the cab all those months ago.

“And I know before that we weren’t on good terms…I had a go at you at the club that time…and you gave me a less than pleasant greeting when we first met…but I’m being honest here when I say that I’m willing to let this all go if you are. Let’s start over, who knows, maybe we can even be friends? So…how about it?” Yeongjin reached out his tattooed hand again, a smile on his face that Bobby knew was trying hard to be genuine, but he didn’t really care.

Bobby shook his head. Yeongjin smirked and raised his cigarette to his lips again.

“Wow, you sure can hold a grudge…”

“This is no longer about how you’ve treated _me_.” Bobby informed him coolly, knowing very well he was on dangerous ground but couldn’t help himself – he wanted, just once, for Yeongjin to realise he was one step ahead of him.

“Oh?” Yeongjin gave him an inquisitive look.

“Yeah. It’s about how you treat others.”

“And how do I treat others?”

“Not very well if you think it’s ok to abandon people on highways in rainstorms.”

Yeongjin didn’t react the way he expected to such a revelation. He tossed his head back and laughed.

“Please, tell me _all_ about abandoning people Bobby, you’re the fucking expert.”

Disappointed he’d failed to get Yeongjin riled up by the fact he knew about the incident and scared for a second Yeongjin was going to get the best of him, Bobby lashed out in the only way he could – by bringing up Yeongin’s past, the few shreds of it he had tracked down.

“Do you know what I find dodgy about you? There’s nothing on you, nothing at all. Did you burn all your records or something? Sue the internet? Pay off the authorities? What’s the deal bro, do you have something to hide?”

“Have you been researching me, Bobby?” Yeongjin asked, giving him a semi-impressed leer.

“You can say that. I know that you’ve got an ex-manager you fell out with and an ex-girlfriend living in the states.”

“Congratulations, you can now put me in the same category as almost every other male public figure.”

“Yeah but does Hanbin know about Violet??” Bobby demanded, enjoying the fact he could feel Yeongjin finally start to tense up.

“What about her? What does he need to know?”

“I dunno, you tell me.”

“Have you ever had a crazy ex Bobby?” Yeongjin asked walking up to him dangerously close. Bobby refused to step back. “Someone who was determined to try and destroy you in as many ways as possible? Some you’ve had to place a restraining order on for your own safety?” Bobby’s silence was his answer. The only ex he’d had was Hanbin, and Hanbin had ignored him for two years and would have continued to do so for the rest of his life if it hadn’t been for _Fast Forward_.

Bobby wondered where Yeongjin was going with this. Was he saying that Violet was the crazy ex? He hadn’t considered that, it certainly was a turn of events.

“No? That’s why you can’t see it,” Yeongjin informed him, nodding thoughtfully.

“Can’t see what?” Bobby snapped.

“That you’re becoming one,” Yeongjin smiled mockingly.

“You’re dodgy as fuck,” Bobby seethed. A more sophisticated comeback wasn’t available to him right now.

“And you’re obsessed with me.”

“I’m convinced you’re a creep!” Bobby corrected him.

“Are you dating Bobby?”

“What?” Bobby balked at the intrusive, personal question.

“Are you seeing someone? Dating? In a relationship?”

“None of your fucking business,” Bobby replied defiantly.

“Are you though? I just want to know.”

“What the fuck, none of your business!” Bobby didn’t like this at all, he was caught off guard.

“Just answer the _fucking_ question Bobby!”

“No! Fuck off!”

“NO? AS IN NO, YOU’RE NOT DATING? IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?” Yeongjin suddenly yelled with an aggression that would have startled Bobby if he hadn’t already been on guard.

“Fuck off!”

“IS THAT YOUR ANSWER, YOU DUMB FUCK??”

“Fuck you,” Bobby spat but Yeongjin didn’t even flinch, he stared level at Bobby without the least bit of fear or intimidation in his eyes. 

“ _Why_ aren’t you dating Bobby?”

It suddenly hit Bobby what Yeongjin was getting at and angry embarrassment flooded him from head to toe. For the first time with Yeongjin Bobby was flustered and sensing his vulnerability Yeongjin decided to go in for the kill.

“Stop thinking about him Bobby, he’s not thinking about you.” Yeongjin spoke with a condescension so cruel and incisive, it knocked Bobby’s pride off its pedestal and sent it shattering into a million pieces on the floor. His face burned from being called out but not as painfully as the bitter truth that went straight through his heart like a spear.

“Yeongjin?!” Hanbin’s voice appeared and they both turned. Hanbin strode towards them through the foyer looking panicked. 

Hanbin was relieved to see Yeongjin wasn’t looking attacked. In fact, it was Bobby who was looking worse for wear, he looked at him with a misery that made him do a double take. He looked back at Yeongjin questioningly, wondering what he’d said that had made Bobby look so pathetic.

“Good night,” Bobby muttered before striding off towards the security gates, he obviously had no plans to stay at the party. As Bobby walked off Hanbin watched him, seeing something in his gait and posture that was hard to look away from, it was just so familiar.

“What happened, what was that about?” Hanbin asked Yeongjin who was squashing his cigarette underfoot.

“Let’s go home, I’ll explain.”

 

***

 

Yeongjin was very quiet on the way home in the cab. Hanbin turned to him several times to see if he was ready to talk, but he nodded towards the taxi driver, not willing to say anything in front of him. As they walked into the kitchen Hanbin smiled at Yeongjin.

“At least we showed our faces right? No point staying for too long, it wasn’t that fun anyway…”

Yeongjin didn’t respond. He went to the alcohol cupboard and took out his favourite rum, Smith and Cross. He poured it with expert precision into a glass containing a single large sphere ice cube, swirled it around, then took a sip.

“So…what happened with Bobby? Did he come up to you?” Hanbin couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to know.

“No, I approached him. I wanted to apologise to him.”

“About the body guards? What did he say?”

“Oh, he didn’t accept the apology.”

“Of course, he’s an idiot…he’ll never forgive you because he’s determined to hate you.”

“No, actually,” Yeongjin corrected him with a chuckle, leaning back against the kitchen marbletop, “that’s not the reason. He said that doesn’t matter now, he “won’t forgive me because of how I treat other people.” Yeongjin looked at him piercingly from under his brow and suddenly he was a different person, as cold and hard as the marble behind him.

That was when it hit Hanbin that Yeongjin had been playing it cool up until now, beneath his cool exterior he was fuming, he was absolutely livid. Hanbin suddenly felt very anxious. 

“What I want to know Hanbin,” Yeongjin announced in a clear, sharp voice, “is how the hell Bobby, of all people, knows about what the fight we had the other week.”

“I-”

“How??” Yeongjin interrupted. Hanbin’s heart raced, it was the worst scenario unfolding, exactly what he’d tried to avoid..

_Bobby what the fuck did you say…what the fuck have you done now…?!_

“He saw me on the highway, he spotted me. It was a coincidence, that’s all. He drove me home and I told him not to tell anyone. That’s all the happened. I didn’t tell you because I didn't want to worry you and you had enough on your mind.” Hanbin explained in a rush.

Yeongjin looked at him through angry, confused eyes.

“So, Bobby drove you home that day…you didn’t get a lift from a friendly, benevolent stranger?”

“No, I didn’t tell you because, as I said, I just didn’t want you to feel worse…or get more upset.”

“What the fuck, how could you not tell me this??” Yeongjin asked aghast. “Who else knows?? The boys?? Do they know that what happened, that fucking Bobby drove you home??”

“I-I don’t know,” Hanbin stammered.

“Fuck, Hanbin! I feel like a fucking idiot! I would never have spoken to Bobby if I’d known that! Not when he’s got another stupid reason to hate me and think I’m a terrible person!”

“I don’t know why you even bothered speaking to him!” Hanbin cried in frustration.

“That’s not the fucking point!” Yeongjin snapped. Hanbin wanted to cry, he could see Yeongjin was disappointed in him, he felt deceived. “How could you not tell me that?? And your friends…jesus, they probably hate me too now! No doubt Bobby had told them!"

“I don’t know if they know! They probably don’t so don’t worry about it,” Hanbin tried to reassure him but Yeongjin was more than angry, he clearly felt humiliated.

“Well, I’m glad you’re ok with this…” Yeongjin replied scathingly. “I’m going to bed.” With that Yeongjin began to make his way up the stairs with his sore leg.

Hanbin stood in the kitchen feeling his chest rise and fall with painful emotions. Things were a mess again, and it felt absolutely awful.

 

***

 

 

In the studio the next morning Bobby was feeling like a complete failure. He’d meant to attend the party the night before to suss out Hanbin and Yeognjin, and all he’d done was let Yeongjin destroy him. His brutal words kept playing and playing in his mind.

_Stop thinking about him, he’s not thinking about you_

It hurt because it was true. Hanbin probably wasn’t thinking about him at all. But his thoughts were still full of Hanbin. He first thought of him when he woke up, and he thought of him last before going to sleep. He leant hard against his desk to apply pressure to his aching heart, trying to lessen the pain. His phone buzzed, it was Donghyuk.

“Hey,”

“hey, how are you?”

“Um…ok…”

“You don’t sound very ok…”

“Are you still on Daegu?”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“So…I’m actually calling on Jinhwan’s behalf.”

“Oh?”

“And he was calling me on Hanbin’s behalf.”

“Right…”

“Yes, he wants me to tell you how angry he is with you for telling Yeongjin that you knew about the whole incident on the highway with hanbin.”

Bobby groaned. Jinhwan knew already because Hanbin had called him up like he always did and dobbed him in. Now Mother Jinani was telling him to pull his head in, but this time he couldn’t because they weren’t on speaking terms. It was borderline absurd, and he could tell Donghyuk agreed, he sounded rather worn-out and irritated.

“So Yeongjin was apparently super angry and upset that Hanbin didn’t tell him you drove him home and they had a massive fight about it. Hanbin is super pissed with you, so yeah, don’t go near him or Yeongjin for a while. Also, Jinhwan is furious with you and disgusted with your behaviour…and, what else…there was something else he wanted me to tell you…oh yeah, and he doesn’t want to hear from you again until you have grown the fuck up and learned to stop interfering in other’s lives.”

“Cool. Message received.” Bobby felt the guilt settle in. He’d fucked up, that was for sure. He didn’t care Yeongjin was upset, but he was sick to the stomach he’d given Hanbin yet another reason to hate him now. Just when he didn’t think it was possible to hate himself even more.

_You dumb, stupid, foolish, impulsive, moron…idiot!_

“Ok, well, I gotta go now, but talk soon ok? I’ll try and call you tonight, but we’ll be back tomorrow afternoon anyway.”

“Ok, bye…”

Bobby crossed his arms on his desk and lay his head upon them. It was all so exhausting and he’d just gone and made things worse…but at the same time, he was still convinced Yeongjin was an asshole and he wasn’t yet ready to back down on that.Sure maybe he didn’t have all the facts straight about Violet and Chunghoon the manager, but he’d get them somehow. But in the meantime what was he to do? Apologise to Hanbin? Leave him alone? Try and convince him Yeongjin was bad news? Who knew…

 When his phone ran for the second he startled. It was his manager.

“Bobby we need you to come to head office immediately, something has happened.”

“What?” Whatever happened sounded serious.

“Unfortunately some tapes have been leaked to the media, tapes of you.”

“Me?? Doing what??” Bobby was bewildered.

“It’s footage from when you tried to enter Yeongjin’s property several months ago when he threw that party we instructed you to go to.”

“What kind of footage??”

“Well it’s of you clearly drunk trying to push past the guards and get into the party…unfortunately it’s causing quite a stir…”

Bobby quickly opened up a browser on his computer and did a search. His stomach fell with sickening speed as the results showed up. He clicked on the first link and it took him to a well-known gossip site.

“Bobby??” the manager tried to get his attention, but he was too busy reading the article.

 

 

_DOES BOBBY HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?_

_Some alarming footage has been released today of Bobby severely intoxicated, trying to force his way into a party at the home of pro-skater Jang Yeongjin. The rapper is seen clearly staggering and acting aggressively, shouting at and trying to push past the security guards who apparently were refusing to let him into the house in his intoxicated state._

_YG and Bobby are yet to release a statement, but the footage has provoked a worried response from fans and the public. Many are disappointed to see this kind of aggressive conduct from the rapper, while others are worried this behaviour is pointing to a drinking problem. What do you think? Comment below!_

 

 

“Bobby?? Are you listening??” he’d let phone slip down into the crook of his neck, and his managers voice was just a thin buzz. He wasn’t listening at all, he was in shock. He clicked on the video of the footage and watched it with horror.

There he was, getting out of the cab, stumbling slightly on the curb before approaching the guards at the gate. He didn’t realise at the time he was so drunk…he watched himself exchange words with the guards then he shouted something…next thing he was racing forwards, trying to dart around them but they caught him roughly…the footage ended there.

_WTF It ends when they start to beat me up…when I become the victim…?!! After that they dragged me off and beat the shit out of me!!_

Bobby stood up, realising with jolt what was going on. This was the work of Yeongjin, there was no doubt about it. Who else would have this footage? And this was exactly the kind of thing he’d do. Last night at the party Yeongjin hadn’t been fazed when he’d told him he was onto him, that he knew about Violet and Chunghoon. But now Bobby was absolutely certain Yeongjin had done this on purpose to smear his reputation before he had the chance to do in Yeongjin’s.  

“Bobby!” came the thin cry from his phone. Bobby ended the call and went straight to twitter. He was seeing red, he’d never been so angry in his entire life. All he knew was that he needed to confront Yeongjin right now. Within three minutes he’d pinpointed Yeongjin’s location, just five minutes ago someone tweeted spotting him at a skatepark. If he was fast he could be there in ten minutes.

Bobby raced out the door, his whole being trembling with rage. Yeongjin had done it now, he’d really done it.

 

***

 

 

“HEY! YEONGJIN YOU FUCKER!”

Bobby’s voice thundered around the indoor skatepark making heads turn quickly his direction. He stood there in the doorway his eyes focussed on Yeongjin sitting down on a set of concrete steps, his crutches tossed to the side, his injured leg still in a brace, surrounded by at least five other skaters.

Full of murderous, raging adrenaline Bobby stormed across the concrete floor and as he approached Yeongjin’s friends clustered around him protectively. One met him halfway and tried to jostle him backwards but Bobby shoved him aside and stood before Yeongjin, glaring down at him with hatred.

“We need to talk! Now!” Bobby roared. Another friend grabbed his t-shirt threateningly.

“What the fuck? Don’t talk to him that way, have some fucking respect!” He snarled, clearly not approving of the way Bobby was addressing Yeongjin so dismissively. “He’s older than you and you don’t even know him!” Bobby flung his hand off him.

“I said I wanna talk to you! NOW!” Bobby demanded.

“We’re talking already….?” Yeongjin replied in a monotone, bored voice, his eyes darting to the side and back again in mock confusion.

“I want to talk to you _privately_!” Bobby snarled. Yeongjin shrugged, a gesture of indifference that enraged Bobby beyond measure.

“Last time I suggested we talk privately it didn’t go so well…so I don’t have time for you anymore…you’re a lost case.” Yeongjin stared up at bobby blankly. Bobby was so angry he could feel each and every one of his veins pumping blood around his body. He wanted to grab Yeongjin and hurt him, to let it all out.

“I know you did it!” Bobby pointed at him at disgust. Yeongjin raised his eyebrows.

“I did what?”

“You leaked the tapes, don’t even fucking try to pretend!” Bobby spat.

“I leaked the tapes? Why would I do that?” Yeongjin seemed serious enough but Bobby was sure there was satisfaction lurking in Yeongjin’s dark eyes, the subtle, deadly malevolence of an incredibly skilled liar. And he’d just admitted he knew about the tapes, he hadn’t even pretended to be ignorant.

“I know what you’re doing,” Bobby warned him, realising that once again Yeongjin was managing to make him look like the crazy one. 

“What am I doing?” Yeongjin asked calmly, trying not to smile.

“You’re trying to make me look crazy! You’re trying to fuck up my reputation!” With that Yeongjin sniggered and Bobby’s rage spilt over into impulsive fury. He lunged forwards, grabbing Yeongjin’s shirt but Yeongjin’s friends were on him in a second, three of them dragging him away as Yeongjin unclawed Bobby’s hands while laughing.

“I don’t even have to try and make you look crazy, you’re doing that fine by yourself!”

“You make me sick!” Bobby roared over the shoulder of a particularly bulky skater as he was dragged towards the exit of the skatepark

“Really?” Yeongjin looked at Bobby with an expression of happy surprise. “ _Nice_ ,” he nodded with a smirk as he reached for the box of cigarettes in his pocket. “take care Bobby, I hope you get some help with that drinking problem!”

The next moment Bobby was outside and thrown out on the sidewalk. Dazed and in pain, one of his wrists hurt really badly, he barely had time to pick himself up before the cameras and microphones had descended.

“BOBBY WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE YOU SEEING JANG YEONGJIN?”

“IS THIS TO DO WITH THE TAPES FROM YEONGJIN’S PARTY?”

“DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM BOBBY?”

“WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE PARTY BOBBY? HOW MANY DRINKS HAD YOU HAD AT THE TIME?”

The paparazzi had found him, there was no hiding now.

 

 

***

 

Hanbin was in his studio feeling miserable, and for that reason he was writing a miserable song. Yeongjin wasn’t speaking to him. He hadn’t since he went to bed last night after he confronted Hanbin about his secret about Bobby.

They’d slept in the same bed but Yeongjin had woken early and gone downstairs. He hadn’t acknowledged Hanbin in the kitchen and had disappeared into the gym to work out.

Hanbin had taken refuge in his studio and descended into a deep hole of rumination. Just when things had gotten better…now this had happened. It also felt particularly bad this had happened after Yeongjin had confided in him about his childhood…how difficult it was for him to trust people….then he’d gone and kept a secret from him…just when their had repaired the lost trust between them!

Hanbin didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what to say. All he knew was that he was so furious with Bobby he didn’t know if he’d be able to hold back his anger the next time he saw him.

_You’re determined to ruin everything, aren’t you Jiwon?? You can’t help yourself!!_

He felt like he was on a rollercoaster: one minute he was about to leap up and race down to Yeongjin to beg him for forgiveness, the next moment he was certain he just needed to keep his distance and let Yeongjin get over it like he had before…

The frustrating thing was he’d never meant any harm! He just honestly hadn’t wanted Yeongjin to feel worse and emabrassed that Jiwon had ended up driving him home…that was all…he hadn’t meant to humiliate him, not at all.

A sad tear trickled down Hanbin’s face just as his phone rang, Namkyu was calling.

“Hey Nam,” Hanbin tried to keep the emotion out of his voice as best he could.

“Hanbin, what the hell is going on??” Namkyu sounded angry.

“What! What’s going on?” It seemed like everyone was angry with him at the moment.

“Have you not heard about the tapes yet?? The tapes of Jiwon??”

“No?! What tapes??”

“Tapes were released this morning, security footage from your house the night of your house party! It’s of Bobby trying to get into the party. Someone leaked it to the media this morning and now it is _everywhere_! Rumours are now flying he's a delinquent with a drinking problem and YG is furious."

“What the fuck…” Hanbin breathed.

“What I need to know ASAP is if your boyfriend was involved, these tapes come from his security team!”

“Let me watch it…are you sure it’s not fake??”

“Watch it and you tell me!”

On his computer Hanbin found the footage quickly and watched it. There was no doubt about it, it really was from the front of their house…and it was from the night of the party, he could tell by Bobby’s clothes…he remembered that white shirt, how it was all splattered with blood…he even knew the exact camera that had filmed the whole scene..

“You and Yeongjin will need to come into the head office immediately.” Namkyu informed him curtly.

“I don’t know what’s going on Nam, I really don’t…there must be a mistake, he wouldn't do this on purpose!”

“Well I certainly hope not! I will be calling back shortly, and do not take any calls from the media!!”  Namkyu hung up and Hanbin stared at his computer screen, watching the video of Bobby stumbling out of the car, confront the guards, and rush at them replay several times. 

Finally, he stood up and went to find Yeongjin. He was still in the gym downstairs, working on his biceps. He looked up briefly when Hanbin entered the room covered in mirrored walls and looked down again darkly.

“Do you know anything about this?” Hanbin asked with a nervous tremor in his voice.

“About what?” Yeongjin replied disinterestedly, obviously not desiring communication yet.

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Be up front Hanbin, don’t fuck around,” Yeongjin’s voice was full of derision which hurt Hanbin and angered him.

“Ok, then,” he began again more snappishly, “Was it you who leaked the footage of Bobby the media?” His heart leapt in his throat. He felt brittle like he could snap at any moment. Yeongjin gave him a half-hearted shrug as if they were simply discussing where they wanted to eat dinner and he didn’t have a preference. 

“What does that mean? Do you have any idea how serious this is?” Hanbin’s chest was constricted with emotions: shock, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, disbelief.

“Calm the fuck down.” Yeongjin ordered, his eyes and tone suddenly razor sharp. “Don’t you want to know the full story?”

Hanbin stood stuck to the spot with his heart racing. Yeongjin put down the weight on the floor and took off the gloves he’d been using.

“Here’s what happened. Two days after we got back from Munich I was contacted by my ex security personnel, the asses who bashed Bobby, the guys I fired. Well, turns out they have beef with me because they weren’t happy with the amount of money I sent them off with - their dismissal package wasn’t generous enough apparently.

Taking advantage of the fact I was overseas they got in touch with my current security team and bribed them to get hold of the tapes that were still sitting in the security office down at the front gates. They told me they’d leak the tapes if I didn’t cough up some money which, I will be upfront with you, was a fucking ridiculous amount. At this stage I was still hoping Bobby and I could make up, so I tried to keep the tapes under wraps.

I was in negotiations with the assholes for a week, trying to haggle the price down…but then I approached Bobby wanting to make up at that lovely little YG party…and he didn’t impress me much, in fact he really fucking pissed me off.

Before that moment I didn’t like him, but I didn’t want any trouble between us, I was happy to put it all behind us. But all I gathered from our lovely little chat is that he’s determined to hate me and you’ve only given him another good reason why.

And so, I decided, you know what, I don’t give a fuck what happens to the tapes and I don’t give a fuck what happens to Bobby. I told the blackmailers do whatever the fuck you want, you’re not getting anything from me. Next day the tapes were out. If Bobby’s crying, he’s a pussy and a hypocrite. That’s the story.” Yeongjin shrugged.

Hanbin stared at him, his mind was reeling. He didn’t know what to think or feel.

“The security who accepted the bribe, are they still working here now??” Hanbin demanded.

“Fuck no,” Yeongjin scoffed. “They’re fired man, didn’t even get a dismissal package and they won’t work in the security industry ever again. The new guys we have are individuals I’ve handpicked myself, one I get to manage more closely myself. Nothing like this will ever happen again.” Now Hanbin thought about it he had noticed several new faces amongs the security guards at the house recently. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” Hanbin was bewildered. Yeongjin gave him a strange, ironic look.

“I didn’t want to worry you. You had enough on your mind.” They were the exact same words he’d said to Yeongjin last night. Hanbin turned and left the room. He let his feet take him down out to the carpark, and he stood there looking out down the long winding path to the main road, lost in thought. 

Hanbin thought they’d patched the gap between them forever when they went to the countryside and made up. Yeongjin had let him into his past and given him permission to know him completely, something Hanbin had been deeply touched by.

But now he could see that the gap had split wide open again, and although Yeongjin was only a few metres away from Hanbin when he finally walked back inside, sprawled on the couch, looking up at him with a combination of resentment and satisfaction, it stretched out between them like an abyss. And he had no idea how deep or far it went, maybe it was bottomless.

All he knew was that a different kind of trust had been lost between them, and he wasn’t sure if they were going to get it back.


	22. Damage Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eristic 
> 
> (adj.) Pertaining to controversy or disputation; controversial
> 
>  
> 
> Stour
> 
> (n.) Confusion, tumult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellloooo really sorry this was late. Had a series of work emergencies which meant my hours left over for writing time before the due date were halved then quartered quite unexpectedly! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter and thanks for your patience!!! 
> 
> xxxx

“And then what? He just suddenly burst into the building confronted you?” Hanbin demanded in horror as he aggressively dried his hair with a towel.

He’d just had the fastest shower of his life because any moment Namkyu was going to pick him and Yeongjin up and take them to an emergency meeting with YG and the PR board. Yeongjin had just reluctantly revealed the second half of the story where Bobby found him at the skatepark.

It seemed to Hanbin that Yeongjin was either genuinely not the least bit concerned about the situation or that he was doing a perfect impression of it. He was sitting on the side of their bed pulling on his vans with a bored expression on his face. His whole being emanated stubbornness and it made Hanbin all the more anxious.

Yeongjin checked the tightness of the brace around his recovering knee then finally looked up at Hanbin, giving him a careless shrug.

“He said he wanted to ‘talk’ but it looked like he was going to try and punch my teeth in. A few friends ended up dragging him out.”

It shocked Hanbin that Bobby would go so far as to seek out Yeongjin in person to handle the issue. It was extreme even for Bobby, especially when he knew he needed to watch his image coming up to his solo debut. It made Hanbin wonder about his mental state, where was Bobby’s head even at these days? It mustn’t be good if he was doing things like this, surely.

“What did he want to talk about? Wait, does he thinks you released the footage deliberately?”

“Yeah, he was pretty pissed,” Yeongjin chuckled then stopped, noticing Hanbin’s paralysis.

There was no point asking again why Yeongjin hadn’t told him about the blackmailers. There was also no point trying to work out why Yeongjin had given up negotiations so thoughtlessly in the first place without even discussing it with him. At this point Hanbin didn’t even know what was true, the whole thing had left him riddled with doubt, it just seemed surreal and fake. Hanbin swallowed hard, trying to stay calm.

“I still can’t believe this has happened.” His phone buzzed with a text from Namkyu letting them know he was two minutes away.

“Come on, Nam’s nearly here,” Hanbin muttered, his eyes fixed on how slowly Yeongjin was still getting ready, combing his hair in the mirror whilst checking out his jawline.

“Calm down,” Yeongjin grumbled, “Why are you treating this like it’s the fucking end of the world?”

“This is _serious_ ,” Hanbin replied with what felt like a lump of coal stuck in his throat. Being upset with Yeongjin was awful and made him feel so vulnerable, like he was no longer in control of his emotions, they could just come flying out like paint flung messily at a canvas. “Really fucking serious!”

“Why though, can you tell me why the fuck you’re so upset!?”

“Of _course_ I’m upset!” Hanbin exclaimed desperately. “Bobby’s got a solo debut coming up soon, this is the career move he’s been waiting for, and this could totally fuck that up!”

“And why the fuck do _you_ care about his career? He fucked you over and didn’t care about _your_ reputation! He broke up with you when you needed him most and has treated you like shit since then! Why the fuck do you want to protect him?” Yeongjin looked at him with a hint of suspicion lingering in his eyes. One word wrong and Hanbin knew he could make this situation even more messy than it already was.

But for Hanbin, the concern he felt about Bobby’s career didn’t need explaining. Even with all the hurt, heartbreak, anger, abandonment and loss that had passed between them, the idea of Bobby’s career going downhill was appalling to Hanbin, he couldn’t let it happen. Even though he’d at times hoped full of misery that one day Bobby too would have his heart annihilated the way he’d annihilated his, he’d never wished ill on Bobby’s career itself, never. Not once since the day Bobby had stormed out of their dorms the day of his decision without looking back.

But Hanbin didn’t know if it was possible to explain to Yeongjin that he could be frustrated, angry and disappointed in the person that was Jiwon, but still feel respect for and protectiveness over the rapper and musician that was Bobby. How could he explain that even though he and his ex were long gone, he didn’t want to see someone as talented and unique as they were lose their passion, the thing they had worked so hard for? It was too low, too petty to wish something like that.

“This isn’t just about Bobby though,” Hanbin insisted, deciding it was going to be far easier to justify his investment in Bobby’s situation. “How many times have I explained to you? How can you not know this after hearing about all the shit my own reputation has gone through? _When you’re in a band you are the band, the band is you!”_

“Come on, get real Hanbin,” Yeongjin drawled full of scepticism. “You haven’t been your band for years now, not since you went solo.”

“It is true! If one member is in trouble you’re all fucked! If it wasn’t true iKON wouldn’t be on this stupid hiatus! I would never have had to go solo and put the boys in limbo! Hell, I might even still be with Bobby right now!”

At that Yeongjin’s face twitched and Hanbin realised he’d said something he shouldn’t have. He quickly tried to backtrack.

“Listen, I’m the leader of iKON, of course I care about my members reputations. I don’t want them to get hurt.”

“iKON doesn’t exist anymore Hanbin,” Yeongjin laughed in disbelief, “When are you ever going to work with Bobby in the same band again? Seriously, when?”

At his words Hanbin was overcome by a terrible sense of guilt and sadness, an overwhelming nostalgia for the past. All those years he and the boys including Bobby had spent together training, surviving shows, waiting to debut, then finally living the life of performers they’d all worked so hard for. All the tours they’d done, albums they’d produced, songs they’d created. The sheer hours they’d spent as the biggest parts of each other’s lives.

“I don’t know,” Hanbin muttered. “Maybe one day, I don’t know…”

 “It’s not going to happen, Hanbin! iKON is over, so if Bobby fucks up the boys are fine! They’re all individuals now anyway.”

“Don’t say that…” Hanbin begged. “Come on, Nam will be downstairs by now.”

Yeongjin followed him in sullen silence and Hanbin couldn’t tell if he’d gotten through to him or not. The next step wasn’t even going to involve him, he knew it was going to involve YG and Yeongjin and he just hoped Yeongjin wasn’t going to be so stubborn with his CEO.

When Hanbin set eyes on Namkyu he could tell he was furious. He didn’t even get out of the car, he stayed behind the wheel, his dark ray bans not quite hiding anger on his face.

Hanbin cringed with embarrassment. He couldn’t believe Yeongjiin had had the audacity to do this when he’d been working so hard to make everyone he cared about approve of him. Namkyu buzzed down his window.

“Get in.” He ordered them shortly. Yeongjin opened a backdoor and slung himself in wearily. Before Hanbin joined him he bent down to speak to his manager directly through the window.

“We’ll fix this, Nam,” Hanbin tried to sound as confident as possible.

“I hope so Hanbin, I really do.” Namkyu replied tersely, not giving away a single emotion in front of Yeongjin, but Hanbin knew he was disgusted.

 

 

***

 

“Bobby can you tell me what on earth you were thinking? Confronting Yeongjin like that in public?” YG demanded in a soft angry voice.

Bobby looked at him from across table of the small YG office they were currently in, stunned and stung. His wrist sat bandaged in his lap; when he’d been tossed out onto the pavement outside the skatepark he’d landed painfully and twisted it. He’d only realised how bad it was when he went to open the door of the cab he dived into to escape the paparazzi and it had suddenly burst into flames of nerve pain.

He shook his head full of shame, unable to answer YG’s question.

“I really don’t know how you could have made this situation any worse than you already have.”

Bobby nodded, accepting the scolding without resistance. The fury that had possessed him had now passed, he was wondering what the hell was going to happen to him. How badly was this footage going to affect him and his solo debut coming up?

“How…bad is it?” Bobby mumbled as YG and the two PR representative glared at him over the desk like he was a naughty schoolboy.

YG nodded at the PR representative who cleared her throat before speaking.

“So here we have some tweets that received a lot of attention regarding the tapes:

“ _Disappointing to see him like this…he always struck me as such a good guy…why is he behaving so badly?!”_

_“He should know you can’t just try and force your way into people’s houses like that! Rude!”_

_“Omg…he can barely even stand…I hate idols who get smashed like that, it’s just gross…”_

_“He has a drinking problem?? Omg…I feel bad for him he needs help”_

_“Isn’t he a bit young to be an alcoholic?”_

Bobby’s heart sank further down into his stomach and cold, bitter guilt spread from head to toe. Nothing hurt him quite like disappointing fans, the people who’d loved him and supported him as an artist. And then there were the antis, the people who loved moments of weakness like this, using them to prop up oddly personal hatreds they’d been nurturing for years. He thought of his parents, his Mum. Oh god. What would she think when she found out about this? It was enough to make him teary.

Seeing him wipe tears from his eyes YG and the PR guru gave each other a look, taken aback by his show genuine of emotion. Silently they agreed to change tactics, Bobby clearly didn’t need to be handled so sternly, he’d surrendered already. YG cleared his throat to bring Bobby’s focus back to the present, he was staring into space with a trembling bottom lip.

“We’re going to speak to Yeongjin now to gather some information and work out how this all actually happened. Then we will speak to you again. But can you tell me something? Do you have reason to believe it was Yeongjin who released these tapes? Is that why you went to confront him?”

Bobby scratched his arm feeling more and more cornered by the second. He didn’t particularly want YG to know he was feuding with Yeongjin, that would just mean more trouble. And he sure as hell didn’t want Hanbin to hate him even more than he probably already did by dobbing in his boyfriend. But at the same time there was no way he was going to let a devious jerk like Yeongjin bring down his career.

“Maybe…I dunno. I thought maybe he did at first cause he really doesn’t like me very much, we don’t get along…but now, I don’t know,” He mumbled, doing his best to convey his suspicions as non-committedly as possible. YG and the PR rep gave him a piercing look, wondering if he was holding something back.

“Ok Bobby, you can go for the time being but don’t leave the building, we’ll let you know when we’ve finished speaking to Yeongjin,” YG told him. He left the room feeling numb and was greeted outside by his interim manager, Wonjung who gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze.

Because Bobby was technically not active as an artist and focussing on recording, his contact with Wonjung was on and off, just when events arose and management was needed. So, they weren’t particularly close, but he appreciated Wonjung’s genuine support.

“Come on, let’s get a coffee from the cafeteria or something,” He suggested, guiding his ward down the long, shiny hall.  Bobby followed him lost in thought to the cafeteria, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping he wouldn’t run into any other artists and need to explain why he was here.

 

***

 

Namkyu opened the door of the conference room for Hanbin and Yeongjin in what seemed to be an ironically polite manner. Hanbin gave him a cringing nod in thanks and entered the room, Yeongjin behind him, to find YG and a lady he recognised from the PR team sitting at a meeting table waiting for them.

The mood in the room was tense and awkward.

“Hello Hanbin, hello Yeongjin,” YG greeted them curtly.  “This is one of our senior PR reps, please take a seat.”

Hanbin sat down hoping with all his might that Yeognjin wasn’t going to do anything to embarrass him. He was also hoping that Yeongjin wasn’t going provide him anymore reasons to doubt him than he already had.

_Please don’t disappoint me, please._

 YG frowned at Yeongjin.

“I’m struggling to wrap my head around this very serious situation. Yeongjin can you please explain your involvement in the footage of Bobby and explain how the media got hold of it?”

Hanbin listened in anxious silence as Yeongjin calmly told YG the exact same story he’d told him just an hour before: the pissed off security personnel, the bribe, the blackmail, the failed negotiations, then how he decided the footage leaking “wasn’t his business” anymore and refused to pay the money.

“So you and Bobby have not been on good terms for a while?” YG confirmed with Yeongjin as the PR rep continued to type notes.  

Hanbin squirmed in his chair and it made a loud squeak. Everyone looked at him than back at Yeongjin. Hanbin wanted to disappear into the floor. Yeongjin nodded.

“I think Bobby feels I’ve been out to get him ever since the incident with the security at our party…I don’t want any problems, but he doesn’t want to accept any apologies or want to be friends.” Yeongjin replied candidly. YG and the PR rep looked at each other in a way that made Hanbin feel a jolt of nausea.

“Ok we need to ask some questions.”

“Sure, go ahead,” Yeongjin was unfazed.

“Firstly, when the blackmailers contacted you, why didn’t you immediately go to the police?”

“I have my own reasons for not wanting to deal with the police.”

YG raised his eyebrows and Hanbin looked at Yeongjin.

“Nothing serious, but let’s just say I haven’t found them particularly sympathetic when I’ve needed their help and protection before.”

“I understand that, but do you have any idea how serious this could be for Bobby? I understand that you two are not on good terms, but do you realise incidents like this can end careers for idols?”

Yeongjin nodded solemnly, he didn’t seem keen to put up a fight.

“Second question, why on earth would these body guards attempt to blackmail _you_ when the footage was of Bobby?”

Yeongjin snorted and shrugged.

“Really, I have _no_ idea, but what I do know is that they’re not very bright guys…I don’t think they know how blackmailing works, all they know how to do is beat people up.”

Hanbin stared at Yeongjin in awe, it was hard to imagine himself staying so cool under pressure. But Yeongjin’s manner didn’t suggest carelessness, to Hanbin it really did seem Yeongjin had no idea what the guards had been thinking. He felt the tiniest bit of relief.

“Actually,” The PR rep looked up from her computer and looked at YG, “I’ve just heard back from Bobby’s personal security team, it turns out Yeongjin’s ex security personnel did try and contact Bobby…”

 Hearing that made Hanbin’s breathe a sigh of relief. He was almost ready to cry he was so relieved Yeongjin’s story was true. Because deep down, he’d been wondering.

 “…however, the personal security we organise for him is so tight it was flagged as potential blackmail and they simply couldn’t get through to him or his family members…maybe it just cae down to it being easier for them to try with Yeongjin? What is your current level of personal security?”

“Not very intense…I never really needed it to be honest…I don’t have fans like Hanbin’s…” Yeongjin admitted.

“Alright,” YG announced wearily, “going forward, Yeongjin, are you willing to cooperate with us in bringing this matter to the police? We will be doing so to protect the image of our artist whether you want us to or not, but with your backing we will have a more powerful case.”

“Sure,” Yeongjin nodded good-naturedly, taking Hanbin by surprise. He’d been nearly shaking in his seat with the fear Yeongjin was going to be stubborn and refuse to help out Bobby. But he’d changed his mind apparently.

“Can you provide us the contact details of these black-mailers so we can press charges?”

“Yes, of course I can give them to you right now.”

The rest of the meeting as YG, the PR rep Yeongjin discussed what legal course of action they were going to take, Hanbin sat in silence and his thoughts went to Bobby. He knew he would be feeling guilty more than anything, sorry to his parents, the boys, the label and his fans. When they finally finished YG turned his attention to Hanbin.

“Now if you don’t mind Yeongjin, I just need to have a word with Hanbin about some boring issues at hand, you would probably prefer to just step outside for a second.”

Yeongjin stood up with a polite nod and left the room as confidently as he’d entered it.

“I’ll go fetch Bobby,” The PR rep took the hint and followed suit, leaving Hanbin alone with YG who regarded him solemnly.

“Hanbin, you know I don’t like to tell my artists what to do or not to do with their personal lives…” YG began. Hanbin looked at him blankly, bewildered but not surprised by YG’s complete cognitive dissonance. “…particularly at the age and stage of life you’re at right now. You’re no longer a child and you’ve proven to be a mature professional for many years now. But I need to ask you to think very, very seriously about your relationship with Yeongjin.”

Hanbin’s stomach dropped and he nodded. He felt the same way he had on the day the second scandal had hit, like any moment he was going to have to offer a pound of flesh to survive whatever happened next.

“While it is obvious Yeongjin didn’t orchestrate these tapes getting out in the first place, his lack of action taken to prevent his blackmailers from doing so is seriously concerning. If he hadn’t agreed to our terms just now about pursuing legal action we may very well have had to take action against him as well.”

“He’d never…he wouldn’t do anything to harm the label…” Hanbin stammered.

“But he has.” YG said bluntly. “Indirectly, sure, but he has. But that’s not my only concern Hanbin. What is apparent to me from talking to Yeongjin just now is that he’s a very different breed of celebrity from you. He hasn’t been subject to the same scrutiny as you over the years, he has a different audience. He can get away with more because he belongs to a sub-culture that embraces rebels, outsiders, rule-breakers. Skateboarding is a counter culture and he owns his persona well, it works for him.

“But you, Hanbin, whether you want to be or not, and whether you see yourself as this or not, you are as much an idol as you were when iKON was active. And you need to think about where this relationship of yours is going and how that is going to affect the future of your band, if you want it to have a future that is. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes…” Hanbin replied breathlessly as YG’s words sank in. He felt shell-shocked, this wasn’t something he’d ever considered before. Up until now he hadn’t had to think about iKON’s future seriously because he and Bobby had been too divided to even consider it. But now that YG was telling him Yeongjin wasn’t the “right partner” if he was ever going to be the leader of iKON again, he felt a protective pull towards the boys, a desperation to prevent them being hurt, and a resurgence of guilt that they had been hurt so much already and so much of it had been his fault.

YG continued the onslaught holding nothing back.

“But even already, your reputation has been up and down for years. You need to think very carefully about your relationships. Is this one you’re in right now working for you or against you? I can’t tell you who to date, but I can tell you who’s going to bring your past back into the spotlight in a negative way.”

YG sighed heavily and finally broke their intense eye contact. Hanbin’s head was spinning, he needed a moment to himself yet was also fearing being alone, because he knew the minute things were quiet all he was going to do was question everything and it was going to hurt.

 

***  


It felt like a dysfunctional family counselling session, Bobby observed with bitter amusement. Here he was, sitting next to Hanbin and Yeongjin before YG and the PR rep, now all in the same room to “work through their issues.” Namkyu and Wonjung stood in the back of the room taking notes.

When Bobby had first entered the room seeing Hanbin had made him feel all weak and numb. Neither of them dared greet each other as YG the PR rep were muttering seriously under their breath across the table and neither of them wanted to disturb them.

But he could feel Hanbin’s anxiety without looking at him. From the corner of his eyes he could see Hanbin fiddling in his lap with a piece of thread from his torn sleeve, tying it into dozens of knots. Soon he’d start trying to tear it apart, and next he’d drop it absent-mindedly and begin on a new strand. Bobby knew the habit so well, he’d seen it before hundreds of times. There had been a time when he could have taken that strand away from Hanbin and given him his hand and fingers to soothe himself with instead.

When Bobby had looked at Yeongjerk for one split second – he couldn’t stand the sight of him for any longer- sitting on the other side of Hanbin he’d been cool, calm and collected and he loathed it.

“Ok, so here is the plan of action,” The PR rep announced.

“Firstly, We will press charges against the blackmailer,s and Bobby we will organise a written apology. We will also discuss with Yeongjin’s lawyers and our own whether it will be possible for Yeongjin to release any statements regarding what happened that night at the party to help clear up any misunderstandings about Bobby’s character. Correct, Yeongjin?”

Yeongjin nodded heartily and Bobby felt sick.

“Bobby we will keep your image as clean as possible until your debut and hope this blows over as soon as possible. We will also need to take steps to clean up your image. At the moment I’m thinking we need photos of you going to church and spending time with family. This will help dispel concerns about poor character.

We will also need you to keep away from the rest of iKON until this has blown over. We don’t want you to be seen with them until we give you the all clear.

Lastly, but also importantly, we need to make sure the public isn’t fed any reason to believe there is tension between you two after what happened at the skatepark earlier today,” she said sternly, looking at Yeongjin and Bobby, “therefore we will need both You and Hanbin to be present at Bobby’s album launch. We will need smiles and happy faces. Regardless of personal issues here, we need and insist you treat each other civilly in public, and of course in private too.”

 “Sure.” Yeongjin nodded. “I’ll do whatever I can to help Bobby.”

Bobby grit his teeth but when YG flashed him a pointed a look he did his best to look appreciative. It was all so unfair, Yeongjin was being a total ass-kisser, he was so fake Bobby wanted to grab the glass of water YG was sipping and poor it all over his silly smug face. But he wasn’t in a position to complain, he had nothing to stand on right now.

“Thank you, much appreciated,” he muttered in Yeongjin’s direction.

“All we can do now is wait and see.” YG shrugged. “Ok Bobby, you can go now. We will be in touch with you regarding the next few days until this blows over.”

Bobby stood up heavily and left the room, glancing at Hanbin who was gazing into space and not entirely present.

Outside Wonjung was on the phone. Seeing Bobby the manager pressed his phone into his neck to muffle sound, and held up a hand to ask him to wait for a moment.

“Bobby just wait here for a second, apparently quite a few cameras have gathered outside and security is still setting up a path for the car to leave.”

Bobby barely heard him, but he nodded. He leaned against the corridor wall, stared down at his sneakers and tried to think about what he was going to say to the boys and his Mum. He wanted to see his parents as soon as possible.

The door opened and out walked Namkyu who gave him a pat on the shoulder. He was followed shortly by Yeongjin who gave him a smirk.

“Looks like you owe me,” Yeongjin said under his breath as he passed by. Bobby looked around to see if anyone else heard him, but no one had. Wonjung was talking on the phone to security and Namkyu was too far up ahead. He bit his bottom lip to prevent himself from spitting out insults.

The door opened again and Hanbin appeared. He stopped in front of Bobby looking nervous.

“Are you ok?” Hanbin asked, the question taking Bobby off guard. He shrugged. He wasn’t ok at all and they both knew that. “It’ll be ok, it will blow over, we’ll sort it out…” Hanbin’s voice was worried but determined and it did something terrible to Bobby’s heart.

_Don’t speak so gently to me Bin, it hurts so bad…_

“I hope so.”

“Look, I didn’t know about any of this…you know that right?” Bobby recognised the look in Hanbin’s eyes, he was afraid for him and afraid that he blamed him too the way he blamed Yeongjin. But not for one second had Bobby considered Hanbin responsible.  

“Of course, you’d never, I know that...I’m just really sorry.”

Hanbin frowned, not understanding.

 “I’m sorry for dragging iKON into this,” Bobby explained miserably. Hanbin looked away abruptly, as if the mention of iKON caused him a physical pain he couldn’t tolerate.

 “It will work out, I know it will. Give it a week or two, everyone will forget about it…it’s how these things work,” Hanbin murmured sounding exhausted.

“I know, I believe you,” Bobby replied meaningfully. They looked at each other for a moment in shared understanding. Hanbin remembered Yeongjin and Namkyu, he looked down the hall. They were standing near the elevator waiting for him.

“…Good luck,” Hanbin muttered to Bobby and took off before he could get a reply.

In the lift Hanbin noticed Yeongjin staring at him. Hanbin looked away first, he was confused about everything now and it was stressing him out. He needed to get to this studio, his safe place, as fast as possible.

“What was that about?” Yeongjin asked him as soon as they got into the car outside the building, referring to the words he’d seen him exchange with Bobby.

“I told him not to worry, that everything was going to blow over.”

“Well, that’s very sweet and kind and generous of you Hanbin.” Yeongjin informed him in a voice that was neither sincere or mocking. Namkyu jumped into the car and started the ignition.

“Let’s get you two home and out of trouble,” he sighed as he drove them through the YG building gates, camera flashes still managing to penetrate the dark tinted windows of the car.

 

 

***

 

“Alright Bobby, we’ll take you home,” Wonjung sighed. They were finally through the gates of the YG building.

“Please, I want to see my Mum. Can you drive me to my parent’s place?” Bobby asked.

“That’s fine but you will need to call us to pick you up from there and take you home if you decide not to stay overnight.” Bobby realised they didn’t trust him to take cabs anymore.

Wonjung changed route and Bobby took out his phone, he needed to speak to Donghyuk, he needed to speak to someone about everything that had just happened.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Wonjung asked quickly.

“I was just gonna call Dong and tell him what happened…”

“No don’t do that. You can’t discuss this with any of the boys yet…and we would rather you left communicating with them for the next few days. Sorry.”

Bobby put his phone back in his pocket and leant his head against the car window. He could foresee another few lonely weeks coming up.

 

***

 

The rest of the evening at home was quiet and solemn for Hanbin and Yeongjin. As soon as they got home Hanbin had disappeared into his studio and distracted himself by working on a track.

It was late when Yeongjin knocked on his door and let himself in. He sat down on the couch near Hanbin’s desk with a bowl of food and ate it calmly.

Hanbin took of his headphones and watched Yeongjin eat, resting his head in his hand.

“You want some?” Yeongjin asked, meaning his food, “there’s more downstairs. I’ll get you some?”

“No thanks. I’m not hungry.”

“What?” Yeongjin asked.

“What?” Hanbin replied.

“You’re being weird.”

“I’m just…stressed.”

Yeongjin nodded slowly with his lips pursed, not believing him at all.

“Out of curiosity, what did YG need to say to you without me in the room?” Yeongjin asked.

“Nothing, nothing, he just…told me off basically,” Hanbin lied.

“He told you off for dating me?”

“No,” Hanbin replied too quickly.

“He told you to break up with me, didn’t he?” Yeongjin smiled knowingly at Hanbin, daring him to lie again.

“No, he didn’t.”

“He suggested it though.” Yeongjin chuckled.

“He didn’t suggest anything about us…he just…”

“Are you going to leave me Hanbin?” The question came at Hanbin like a tennis ball pegged at his head from nowhere. Hanbin looked at Yeongjin who’d now finished eating and was regarding him from the couch with a serious face.

“Don’t, please...” Hanbin urged, willing Yeongjin to stop driving the conversation to the destination it was heading. It was making him nervous, he felt cornered.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t…talk like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like _this_ , saying stuff like...” Hanbin flapped his hands around agitatedly, unable to find words delicate enough for the situation. Yeongjin lit a cigarette and continued talking in a soft, voice that was unnaturally emotionless for the subject matter.

“I just want to know the truth. I want to know if you’re going to dump my ass now things are going shit for me. I want to know if this whole time you’ve been fucking me for me, or for who I was before Munich happened.”

Hanbin stared at Yeongjin with his face burning. His heart was thudding.

“How can you say that?” Hanbin asked him in disbelief.

“I just want to be prepared,” Yeongjin shrugged.  

“I’m not going to leave you, I don’t know why you’re saying this.”

“Promise?”

“What?”

“That you won’t leave me the way Bobby left you?”

“I promise,” Hanbin asserted in a voice much firmer and sure of itself than he was feeling.

“You had me worried for a second,” Yeongjin chuckled as he stood up. “But that’s not the kind of thing you do. You’re not like him.”

Yeongjin kissed Hanbin on the cheek and left the room, leaving Hanbin wondering why it felt like he’d just made the most ominous promise of his life so far.

 

 

***

 

Bobby got the call from Wonjung three days into lying low at his parent’s place. Because they were amazing they’d scolded him briefly then comforted him generously. He’d made them promise not to search for any news about him online, they’d kept their promise.

He hadn’t been so kind to himself, however. He’d forced himself to read every article online about his footage and to read the comments. Then when he’d released with YG his written apology for his drunken behaviour he’d forced himself to also read the responses to those, the good and the bad. It was his punishment for disappointing the people who’d believed in his good character.

It had been hard hanging around the house doing nothing for three days, leaving only with strict permission from the head office and with constant supervision, lazing around feeling sorry for himself and guilty with nothing to distract him.

He wondered how Hanbin had coped during that time two years ago when he’d been going through the trouble with his Dad. Maybe one day he’d ask him. He hoped he’d get the chance to at least.

He’d been playing video games in the loungeroom when the call came.

“Bobby, You’re in luck,” Wonjung announced.

“Really? Why?” Bobby asked nervously.

 His dad looked up from the newspaper he was reading on the sofa behind him and his Mum looked over from the dining table where she was reading emails from friends overseas.

“Your story has plummeted in importance in light of a new scandal. You’ve been forgotten.”

“Why? What’s happened?”

“SM has a big problem on their hands. One of their dreams boys has been accused of paying a heap of money to avoid military service. He’s in big trouble and the heats off you.”

“Oh…” Moments like this made Bobby really doubted he was cut out to be a celebrity. In what world was it normal to be happy that idol’s mistake meant a break from persecution yourself? How depressing.

“We’ll keep you posted but things are looking up, this new scandal is definitely going to cut short the time you need to “reflect.” You need to be back in the studio writing asap.”

“Ok.”

“You really don’t sound happy about this?”

“I feel weird being happy about someone else’s misfortune.”

“Fair, but take what you can Bob. You’re lucky this time, Hanbin wasn’t so lucky, he had no simultaneous scandal to act as a diversion. See you soon and stay out of trouble. We still need you to continue to stay away from the boys and avoid being seen out in public anywhere except for the designated places on the list. Ok?”

“Ok.” Bobby waited for phone to hang up before dragging himself over to the dining table where both his parents were now waiting nervously for an explanation.

 

***

Minjee hadn’t been to Church for a while, just another thing her parents were hounding her about.  But as she headed up the steps to one of the few gothic protestant churches in Seoul, walked down it’s marble-floor aisle and took a seat in a squeaky wooden pew near the front, she felt at peace.

She often lamented not being a good Christian, seeing herself more as a constant but distant Christian. Her faith was such a part of herself that she often took it for granted, forgetting the way it made her feel connected to something bigger than herself, and more often than not seeing it as a hassle or a chore.

But she spent so much of her free time now cooking and taking classes that her faith was the first thing to be tossed to the side. And since Bobby had unceremoniously forgotten her existence again – asshole – she’d been forced to find herself intense distraction, and cooking provided that more so than worship and bible study.

As the priest delivered his sermon, her attention flitted in and out, she couldn’t stop worrying how she was going to finish those monthly reports whilst going to classes six days a week. She was also worried about how long she was going to be able to keep her cooking classes a secret from her parents.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she blushed as the elderly lady sitting further down the pew gave her disapproving glance. As she went to silence her phone she saw a message unfurl across the centre of her screen that made her heart stop.

_Hey sup how you been_

She’d always love-hated his stupid texts with poor grammar and no punctuation to speak of. But She wasn’t going to reply to Bobby immediately, in fact she wasn’t sure she was going to at all. The last time she’d seen Jiwon had been when he’d come around to her house to tell her he was going to be too busy to hang out for a while. And he’d been true to his word, she literally hadn’t heard from him since. Depsite the fact she’d missed him terribly, that she’d thought of him every day, her pride had prevented her from reaching out.

She had received only three messages from him during the last few months. Very late one night she’d received a clip from him from Instagram of a rat having a shower. Baffled she’d watched it and had been to angry to reply. The second message had been a “hey how are you?” and when she’d replied he left her on “seen.” The third message had been another weird-ass animal video she hadn’t even bothered watching because it annoyed her so much. Sending weird animal clips was no substitute for time and company and she hated that he didn’t seem the realise that.

She read the new message ten times over, indulgently imagining the ways she would respond if she had the guts.

_Sorry who’s this? New phone number…_

_Wow you remember me! Looks like your memory is improving Jiwon!_

Even though she was looking at the phone screen her heart accelerated in surprise as another message from him appeared right then and there.

_“I miss you”_

Her stomach flipped. She stared at the screen, shook her head, then looked up at the Priest trying to refocus on his words. No use, she couldn’t focus now on anything. She re-read the three word message another ten times.

Nope. She definitely wasn’t replying now, not to a dumb-ass text like that. No, he wasn’t getting a response. Then to her horror and excitement another message appeared.  

_“Come church with me”_

In a microsecond her resolve softened. ‘Pious-Bobby’ had always gotten to her, she couldn’t help it. It was his purest, gentlest, sweetest, least annoying form. Her thumbs hovered over the keys as she decided how to reply, resisting was now impossible.

_“Another time, I’m very busy with work atm”_

Feeling satisfied with her self-control she put her phone down and resumed listening to the sermon. She was going to make him wait and beg for her company. Her phone buzzed again and obviously her self-control was still had room for improvement because she resisted only a full ten seconds before deciding to check his response.

_“Ok another time...your hair is super shiny today btw”_

She jumped in surprise and trying to be subtle she threw a glance over her shoulder at the pews behind her. There he was, in the second row from the back. He looked gorgeous. He gave her the most fleeing wink and smile before looking ahead again at the Priest. She turned back to the front feeling breathless. Her heart was galloping now and she was furious with herself because she was so happy. She cradled her phone in her lap to prevent her neighbours from seeing the series of new texts jump into her screen.

_“No but really what did you do to it new conditioner or something?”_

What a goof. Was he really trying to flatter her? After teasing her nonstop for years there was no way she could take his compliments seriously now. She typed back, getting straight to the point.

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“I said I missed you...I meant it”_

Did that mean he went to church specifically for the purpose of running into her because she hadn’t been replying to his messages? She held her breath as she waited for his next message.

_“And you haven’t been replying so I thought I’d find you here”_

Wow, she guessed right. She felt giddy all over. She texted back excitedly.

_“So you’re stalking me? You’re a weirdo.”_

There was a long pause before his next text, and when it came through it made sense because it was the longest message he’d ever sent her.

 _“After this I’m gonna go speak with the priest and give him my car keys. He’ll give them to you. My car isn’t in the carpark it’s two blocks down, in the lane opposite Petal bakery. A black BMW, I’ll text my number plate in a sec. Go hop in and wait for me_.”

_“Are we playing secret agents again? like we did when at your Aunts house when we were kids?”_

_“kkk sort of…I need to lose some photographers first, they’re waiting for me outside”_

_“This is weird but ok”_

Sure enough, the service finished and Bobby strolled up to the priest, waiting patiently as he exchanged words with two ladies before him.

He greeted the Priest respectfully, but they seemed to be good friends.  The priest was the modern, open-minded type and he took Bobby’s car keys so discreetly Minjee didn’t even see them change hands. Bobby headed out the back behind the alter and Minjee realised he was going to leave via the back entrance of the church. Secret agent indeed, she mused.  

Minjee had to wait herself to speak to the priest, he was popular and talking to other churchgoers again. When she had her turn he smiled at her and slipped her the keys.

“Be careful with these! Don’t lose them or else he might blame me!” He joked quietly.

“Thanks Father.” Minjee shoved the keys into her pocket.

Bobby was right, outside the church were about three photographers sitting outside waiting for him to leave. It wasn’t enough to warrant security, but enough to irritate and cause him hassle, they’d no doubt stick to him all day if they could. She began to wonder whether there was something going on in Bobby’s professional life she didn’t know about because he made a point of not letting slip to anyone where he went to church, he needed his place of worship to remain private and sacred. It seemed odd they suddenly knew where he prayed now.

She walked past the photographers who sat there on their phones and tweaking their lenses and went to find Bobby’s car. It wasn’t hard to find but she felt weird sitting in the front passenger seat waiting for him, it was one of those moments when Bobby being famous didn’t feel like a distant fact, but something entirely possible yet very incredible.

The door of the driver’s seat opened suddenly and Bobby plonked himself down.

“Hey, you found it!”

“Yep, easy enou-“ Bobby cut her off by reaching over and hugging her, pinning her arms to her sides.

“It’s good to see you. I mean it, I missed you.”

“Sure,” she rolled her eyes. Bobby smiled sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, heaps of stuff going on…been working on my album…it’s been hectic.”

“Right…” she droned. Bobby realised she wasn’t buying it.

“Come on, I’m sorry, I am…we’re hanging out now, so let’s do something? What do you want to do?”

“I dunno, where can you go? What _can_ you do? And by the way has something happened? Is there a reason you have cameras following you to church? That seems a little extreme.”

Bobby grimaced and nodded.

“Yeah, something happened…let’s get food and I’ll explain. I feel like something sweet, let’s go to somewhere you like.”

Minjee held back a smile. Bobby wasn’t huge fan of sweets, he loved savoury, but he was trying to make it up to her she could tell.

“Well I know a really good patisserie nearby? Feel like stuffed donuts?”

“Sounds good, you run in and get them, then we’ll drive somewhere and eat there ok?”

Half an hour later they were on the highway driving to Bobby’s favourite place, Jee nursing a box of stuffed donuts in various colours, shapes and sizes, some covered in a deliciously shiny glaze, others powered generously with sugar.

“Um, where are we going?” Jee asked as the countryside flashed past her window.

“It’s far, I know, but I just need get away from the city right now...”

Bobby needed this, he needed to be out of the city where he was being watched like a lab mouse under observation. He didn’t want to be alone, he needed company but he couldn’t talk to the boys right now and even if he no longer felt he could guarantee they would be on his side. Sure, they’d feel sorry for him and comfort him, but they’d also be thinking he was losing the plot, just as Yeongjin no doubt wanted them to be thinking.

Thankfully it was all going to be ok because Jee was here to save him from himself. He silently thanked his mum for reminding him about Jee, how she was a friend he could always count on.

“So, you going to tell me what’s going on, or are you going to keep me in the dark like last time?” Jee’s voice was cynical, she obviously didn’t have high expectations for his honesty with her and that hurt.

“Some footage of me being drunk and stupid was leaked to the media. People are talking now, saying I have a problem with alcohol.” As soon as he said it he realised the irony. The last few times he’d seen Jee he’d been off his face drunk.

“Right…”

“Come on, you know I don’t have a drinking problem!” Bobby grumbled at her as she smiled and shook her head, enjoying giving him a hard time.

“I don’t know…”

“Look, I haven’t had a drink in weeks now. Weeks and weeks. But this footage, well, my label is literally monitoring every breath I take so I don’t get into anymore trouble before the debut. And it’s killing me. I feel like I can’t do anything I want to anymore. I can’t do anything on a whim, everything is planned down to every single gesture. I can’t say what I want, I can’t go where I want, I can’t be with who I want…it sucks.”

Minjee listened to the pain in his gravelly voice and felt sorry for him. She could see he was really struggling, there was a bitterness in his words, a sense that he was losing control over his life and it was making him feel dead inside.

“That does suck…but what is this footage of exactly?”

“Long story, but I was trying to get into someone’s party, someone who doesn’t like me very much. And their security wouldn’t let me in. I was drunk and didn’t want to be there, I got pissed off with them and tried to push past them. But it’s so unfair because the footage cuts off what happened next! The assholes beat me up…”

“That wasn’t the same night you turned up at my place bleeding was it?”

“Might’ve been, I don’t remember,” Bobby muttered truthfully. He was no longer able to individually remember all those painful nights he’d crashed at Minjee’s house in a state of despair, they had all blurred into one single night he’d rather forget.

“Who’s this person who doesn’t like you?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Bobby replied in a weary voice that betrayed disgust. Minjee was mystified.

“Someone in the industry?”

“Sort of…they’re…they’re dating Hanbin, you remember him?”

“Yeah of course, he’s the leader of iKON, he’s your best friend right?”

“Yeah..” Bobby didn’t have the strength to go all the way into the sad history, “…well anyway, Hanbin’s boyfriend doesn’t like me much,” Bobby mumbled in a tone that sounded final. Minjee could tell he really didn’t want to go into any more detail, and at risk of him shutting her out again once he’d finally started opening up to her, she decided not to push it.

“So, what happens now? Are you in a lot of trouble?”

“Well, I had to make an apology…but did you hear about that SM scandal? No? Oh, well because of that talk about me has kind of died down. And yeah, as I said before, now I’m just being watched non-stop and treated like a kid. We’re here now….”

She looked out the window and saw they had stopped at some kind of coastal lookout, maybe what was once a fishing point. It was mainly a carpark placed against a rocky coastline. Up ahead was a shipping port stocked with towers of navy, orange, white and green shipping crates. Red cranes swung and dipped slowly and a huge cargo ship was stationed in the water like a beached whale. The ocean was steely grey and looked impossibly cold. It crashed rhythmic against the coast in bursts of spray that were soothing and hypnotic to watch.

“What is this place?”

“I dunno, I just like it,” Bobby smiled, feeling free and happy for the first time in a while. “Come on, let’s sit on the rocks over there.”

They picked their way over the rocky border that lay between the carpark and the grey ocean, avoiding any stones that looked particularly mossy, Bobby taking the donut box and her hand whenever the gap between two rocks was too high or wide.

“This one,” Minjee decided, noticing a rock that was flatter than the others and large enough for both of them.

Bobby took off his jacket and spread it on the slightly damp surface for her to sit on. It’s moments like this, Jee thought to herself bitterly, when you really just make me want to marry you Jiwon.

They opened up the box of donuts and bickered for a good few minutes over who was going to eat what and in what order. Bobby wanted all the classic flavours like chocolate, caramel and coffee, none of the delicate sophisticated flavours Minjee had picked out like Jasmine tea, lavender and miso. She won however and made him try a black sesame glazed donut.

“What the…it’s grey though…”

“Just eat it you moron,” She laughed, taking the donut and forcing it into his mouth. His eyes went wide with surprise and she laughed harder.

“It’s…delicious!” He mumbled through his full mouth. His phone began to ring in his pocket and he didn’t want to answer it but he knew he should. It was probably his manager checking where he was. Because his fingers were now covered in sticky glaze he took his phone out gingerly and put it on loud speaker, not minding at all if Minjee overheard, he trusted her.

“Bobby?” It was his Manager, just as he suspected.

“Hey,” Bobby replied quickly before biting into another donut.

“Where are you? I told you to call me when you left church today.”

“Oh, sorry, sorry. I forgot. I’m just catching up with a friend out of town.”

“Which friend? And where out of town?”

Minjee couldn’t help noticing the clipped, serious tone of the speaker on the phone. She also couldn’t help noticing how all Bobby’s positive energy had suddenly vanished.

“An old family friend, don’t worry no one else is around, no cameras or anything. We’re on the coast, an hours drive from Seoul…just a place I like to go to…it’s deserted here.”

“I don’t like this. I think you should come back immediately.”

Bobby groaned and gave Minjee who was listening an apologetic look.

“It’s fine, really…there’s no one here, we’re just eating something and we’ll be back in the city in an hour and a half…”

“Ok, but you need to go straight home after this, understand? _Straight home_.”

“Ok, ok, sure…” Bobby sighed, nodding even though his manger couldn’t see him.

“Also, how did everything go today at Church? Everything go as planned? Were the cameras there when you arrived?”

At that piece of information Minjee froze and so did bobby.

“Did you let them take some snaps of you as agreed? Apparently, you weren’t seen leaving the premises afterwards, what happened there?”

A hot red flush of embarrassment and anger filled Minjee’s cheeks. Of course. Of fucking course, he hadn’t come to church because he missed her. It was a publicity stunt. Of fucking course.

“Yeah I did, and I left via the back entrance of the church because I was meeting my friend and didn’t want to be followed…” Bobby was mortified and he could sense Minjee’s brewing hurt next to him. He just wanted to get his manager off the phone as quickly as possible but the guy just kept on talking.

“Also just a heads up, we’re thinking we’ll do the same thing next Sunday, getting the paps outside Church to catch you going in again. It’s all about rebuilding your image now as a good boy. Alright, call me when you head back to Seoul and then again when you get home ok?”

“Yep, yep.” Bobby replied while cringing. “Bye.”

Thoroughly pissed off Minjee snatched a serviette and wiped her hands clean of powered sugar and stood up.

“So, you went to church today for some good press?” Minjee snapped, refusing to look at him. Bobby hadn’t really gone to church to see her, he’d been stoking her ego. Bobby’s looked at her horrified and hurt.

“Jee…” Bobby began pathetically, unsure how to undo the awkwardness of the revelation that had just been.

 “Take me home, _now_.” She ordered furiously. Bobby scrambled up and followed as she scampered over the rocks back towards the car, clumsy with her anger and impatience.

Bobby raced over the rocks after her, calling out to her over the sound of the ocean’s hiss and spray.

“I promise it wasn’t just that! I was hoping I’d see you there, _really_ I was! Because you weren’t replying to me and I didn’t know how else to see you!”

“You send me a video of a _rat_ having a _shower_. What the heck was I meant to say??” She called back, struggling over the chain barrier between the rocks and the tarmac. Bobby swung himself over the barrier easily and jogged after her across the tarmac.

“Please, Jee. Please. Don’t be angry with me,” He pleaded, walking alongside her as she power walked to the car.

“You just dropped off the face of the earth Jiwon, and now you’re back I don’t even know if you’re even really want to hang out or just look good!”

“I am! I really am!” And Bobby was sincere, desperately honest. He knew he hadn’t been a good friend to Jee for a few months, but he’d had so much shit going on he literally had just forgotten about her, put her aside for when he was in a better frame of mind, not such a messy burden.

And now he really did want to spend more time with her because he felt free around her in a way he no longer felt with even the boys who felt torn between him and Jinhwan. He had been desperately craving her company for a while now, just so he could finally go back to being the messy, lazy, music nerd he’d been since he was a kid, splashing around in the bathtub with her, accidentally getting shampoo in her eyes.

Sure, going to church and getting photographed had been orchestrated for him, but in his mind it had been the perfect opportunity to tie it in with catching up with Jee. Maybe it was a bit lazy of him, but he knew deep down he wouldn’t have reached out to her soon enough anyway even if he hadn’t had the good fortune of seeing her at church.

“Jee, come on,” He grabbed her hand and before she could stop him he kissed the back of it several times in a way that would have been corny and irritating had she not felt about him so intensely.

But she did feel about him intensely, she loved the way his lips felt against her skin and she loved that he really did honestly need her, she could hear it in his voice. Her anger began to melt away and when Bobby pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head it disappeared completely, like it had never been there in the first place.

“Come on, we’re too close to fight like this. Anyway, you can’t be mad at me forever, if you try I’ll dob on you to Mum and she’ll tell your parents and they’ll get mad at you,” He joked.

“Don’t be a dick, Jiwon,” she scolded more gently.

“I won’t, I promise..”

“You better…” She warned, loving that he was still holding her. “Now take me home for real, I’m getting cold.”

“Can I stay the night by the way, I don’t want to go home, I’ll be bored.”

“Fine.” She smiled, rolling her eyes.

 

 

***

 

Hanbin watched as Yeongjin cruised around the deserted carpark on his skateboard. He wasn’t going very fast, just up and down two level, down the ramps, pushing his way back up them, cruising back down on the other side. It barely took any work, the pressure was off his leg and anyway, his physiotherapist was now encouraging gentle exercise several times a day.

Yeongjin was wearing a sleeveless top and a pair of tight jeans, and a black cap on his head. Even though he wasn’t doing anything challenging, he frowned slightly as he skated and Hanbin could almost see his thoughts and feelings pass over his face as he calculated just how hard he needed to push to make it up a ramp or lean to clear a curb.

The carpark was dimly lit with just a few fluorescent lights, one was flickering on and off, it clearly needed replacing. There was only one other vehicle on the same level of they were, a beat up old thing that had clearly been abandoned.

It was the first day they’d been given permission to spend time out in public since Bobby released his apology statement and Yeongjin had basically bolted from the house as quickly as he could, dragging Hanbin behind him. He’d found the days pent up inside agonisingly boring.

Yeongjin had driven them to the deserted carpark in a shady suburb, a place he used to skate often before he became a professional, Hanbin had been too lost in thought in the car to even notice where they were going.

Yeongjin whirled past again Hanbin again who was sitting on a concrete curb. Under the dim lights the muscles of Yeongjin’s arms were exaggerated by shadows, and the material of his t-shirt pressed against his chest whenever he picked up speed. While Hanbin couldn’t see his eyes well underneath his cap, he could still admire the profile on show.

Yeongjin was magnificent, so incredibly strong, confident and powerful. Yet Hanbin felt empty.

He didn’t know yet exactly when it happened or what _it_ actually was. All he knew was that something comfortable had become uncomfortable, like putting on a beloved pair of shoes and finding they felt different because someone had laced them up differently. Or like pulling on a favourite jumped and discovering it had become scratchy in the wash.

Had it happened when Yeongjin had admitted to him he’d let the blackmailers do their thing, as stupid and hopeless as their attempt was? Or had it happened when he realised Yeongjin hadn’t thought through the consequnces of his actions for Ikon as a whole? Maybe it had happened when he realised he was genuinely worried for Bobby’s career as a consequence of the tapes. Maybe it had been when YG has asked him to “think hard” about his relationship. Or maybe it had been when Yeongjin had said “iKON doesn’t exist anymore.”

No, he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it had happened, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to confront this strange, weird feeling of emptiness he had, and trace it to its original source. He was scared what he would find. He wasn’t ready for the truth, he wanted to stay and try and claw his way back to the world he’d been in with Yeongjin before Bobby’s footage scandal.

But he was nervous, what if he couldn’t do it? What if he couldn’t slip back into that world again? What if this weird empty feeling continued on for good?

Yeongjin seemed to have had enough. He pulled up to a stop near Hanbin and smiled at him.

“Let’s go home?”

Hanbin smiled back and stood up. Yeongjin tried to talk to him on the drive home, but he failed to listen to him properly twice and Yeongjin gave up.

As they drove up to their big house on the hill with the imposing gates and long walled driveway, Hanbin stared at the house, really taking it in like the first time he had that night months ago after the disastrous dinner with Bobby.

They drove into the underground carpark and came to a stop, but for some reason Hanbin didn’t want to get out of the car.

Just as Yeongjin was about to get out of the Lamborghini Hanbin found himself stopping him, catching his strong, tattooed hand still resting on the steering wheel.

“What?” Yeongjin asked, looking at Hanbin expectantly. Hanbin looked down at the toned muscles underneath his palm as he ran it up and down Yeongjin’s forearm. Not entirely sure why or what had come over him, it was an urgency he couldn’t explain, he took Yeongjin’s face in his hands and kissed him hard and hungrily.

Surprised Yeongjin let him, hesitantly at first, unsure where Hanbin’s sudden initiation had come from. But the fact they were in the car was hot and Hanbin’s spontaneous neediness was intoxicating for both of them. Their kiss became and more uncontrollable and with a swift violence Yeongjin pulled Hanbin on top of him in the drivers seat.

Their hands pulled almost angrily at each other’s clothes, necks, arms, chests and their kiss became unbearable, it was too much and not enough at the same time. Hanbin’s shirt was off and Yeongjin’s thin singlet had been almost completely ripped down the middle. Then Hanbin’s jeans were off, then he was hovering over Yeongjin, ready to lower himself down on top of him.

Then they were having sex, perhaps the best, hottest, most erotic sex they’d ever had. There was something about it, perhaps Hanbin’s assertiveness, that made both of them groan, pant and swear like they were both possessed. Leaning back against the steering wheel gave Hanbin control, and as everything intensified, he closed his eyes in concentration, and hoped with all his might.

It felt like he’d exploded through his own skull and left behind his body. Yeongjin’s chest heaved as breathlessly as his own. He waited till they were both breathing more regularly before removing himself from Yeongjin and melting sideways to rest his back and neck which were now sore from cramped space of the car. 

Yeongjin kissed and touched him with the satisfaction of someone who had found exactly what they were looking for. But Hanbin kissed him back with the anxious desperation of someone still searching.


	23. Love and Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thaumaturgy
> 
> (n.) magic or the performance of miracles
> 
>  
> 
> Deflagrate
> 
> (v.) to burn; especially violently or suddenly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers,
> 
> Firstly, I have something on my mind to discuss before you read: TAGS and TAGGING. 
> 
> So I've been feeling very torn about tagging, because I can see that it is good etiquette on here to make sure one's story is thoroughly tagged, particularly if it contains triggering content. However, from the moment I began writing this story I knew I didn't want to be too specific in the tags, simply because I always intended this story to be full of twists and turns, to be unpredictable. 
> 
> My dilemma is now that I am worried about readers safety while reading this story, but am also concerned that my adding tags I will be spoiling things and all the hard work I've put into making this story unpredictable and thought provoking. 
> 
> So what I will say is this: If you know yourself to be easily triggered when reading angst, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION. From this chapter onwards the characters are going to go through a hard time, and if you've found the story triggering so far, it will only continue to intensify in this aspect. So please, be careful.
> 
> Ok, on that sinister as hell note I guess I'll just hope you all have fun reading!!! (lol)
> 
> xxx

“How did it go?” Hanbin stopped pacing as Yeongjin entered the loungeroom. Yeongjin had just come back from a meeting between himself, his lawyers and the YG team representing Bobby, to discuss the possibility of him releasing a statement defending Bobby’s character.

Hanbin hadn’t been allowed to attend so he’d stayed home roaming around nervously instead of working.

“Good. Well, it’s good for Bobby I guess?” Yeongjin replied sarcastically.

“Are you allowed to make a statement about what happened?”

“Uh huh, got permission from my lawyers. So, it looks like I’m going to be saving Bobby’s ass. Isn’t he lucky?”

“What will your statement say?”

 “It’s stupid and vague…just bullshit about Bobby’s good character.”

“It’s written already??”

“It’ll be released any moment. Now excuse me, I need to lie down for a while. My knee is killing me. I need to call my physio over before I hack my leg off.” Yeongjin limped his way over to the couches set before the wall-length windows looking out over Seoul.

Yeongjin had begun receiving rehabilitation and physiotherapy only a week after his operation. With his specific injury the longer one waited to exercise and stretch the knee post-op, the stiffer, and less malleable it became, thus the longer the recovery time.

Five times a week his physiotherapist, a bashful, round-faced guy with the sculpted body of a superhero came over to their house and put Yeongjin through a gruelling, beneficial routine in the gym. On top of that Yeongjin had a private masseuse, an acupuncturist, and a personal trainer.

Hanbin had watched the first physio session of stretches, lunges and massages out of curiosity and concern, but seeing Yeongjin in so much pain had been too much. Sweat poured down Yeongjin’s face and his neck turned red. Yeongjin had snapped at him to leave after looking up and seeing his facial expression. It reminded Hanbin of that horrible day in Munich when this had all begun and he fled the room guiltily.

Nowadays he stayed out of the way when members of Yeongjin’s rehabilitation entourage came over, even when the sessions became slightly more bearable for Yeongjin, Hanbin could often hear laughing and joking around from the loungeroom. He got the feeling that Yeongjin didn’t want him part of his recovery program if he could help it. It hurt that Yeongjin was pushing him away but the worry he had somehow contributed to Yeongjin’s injury made him unwilling to resent Yeongjin or bring it up with him.  All he could do was help with the small things when he could and if Yeongjin would let him.

“I’ll get you some painkillers…” Hanbin suggested it hesitantly, waiting for Yeongjin to cut him off and tell him he’d get them himself, but Yeongjin had finally made it to the sofa and crashed down in relief.

“Thanks babe,” Yeongjin grimaced, covering his face with his hands. Hanbin headed upstairs to Yeongjin’s bedside table where the box of tablets sat. He picked up the sinister, white box and read the warnings on the side about how to long to leave in between doses and possible side effects. He liked to remember these things in case Yeongjin didn’t.

Every week since the operation Yeongjin had been waiting not only for the news that his knee was getting closer to recovery, but for the pain to end, or at least reduce. Nearly every night he woke up in the early morning, sitting up in bed with a hiss of pain, waking Hanbin too. He’d apologise then reach over for the pain killers next to him, breathing deeply through what he described to Hanbin as a “blunt knife” plunging repeatedly into the cartilage of his kneecap, trying to pry his ligaments apart “like a clam.” Worried Hanbin would sit up with him, refusing to fall asleep until Yeongjin had managed to first.

Hanbin was feeling an urgent protectiveness of Yeongjin’s health. There was nothing he wanted more right now than for Yeongjin to be skating again. He wanted things to return to normality, he wanted things to be the way they were in L.A and before. He didn’t want another single day where he wouldn’t know what Yeongjin was going to do or get involved in next. He didn’t want Yeongjin and Bobby to cross paths ever again. He didn’t want Yeongjin to have another single opportunity to disappoint him.

“Thank you,” Hanbin said as he handed Yeongjin a glass of water and the tablets. Yeongjin tossed them back then gave him a bemused look.  

“For defending Bobby’s character.” Hanbin explained.

“You need to stop thanking me for helping Bobby, it weirds me out.”

“I’m relieved for iKON.”

“Yeah, well, I still don’t agree iKON was ever at risk of harm so keep the thanks to yourself,” Yeongjin snickered, but Hanbin could tell deep down he was relieved he was happy with him.

“That’s even more reason to thank you, for doing something you don’t believe in but still doing it for the benefit of others.”

“Go away Hanbin,” Yeongjin shook his head laughing, “go preach to someone else about virtues and shit. Take your philosophy elsewhere.” He teased. Hanbin forced a smile and wandered over to the stairs to return to his studio.

“Oh,” Yeongjin raised an arm in the air remembering something, “I also sent another gift to Bobby. And a letter.” Hanbin froze.

“What kind of gift?”

“A pair of headphones. A really nice, expensive pair, I hope he likes them.”

“Did you say you wrote him a letter?”

“Well, Teddy wrote it, I told him what to say.”

“What did it say?”

“That’s between me and Bobby,” Yeongjin smirked darkly.

“What did it say? Tell me!” Hanbin demanded, suddenly exasperated. His heart was racing.

“What?” Yeongjin replied defensively, caught off guard by Hanbin’s sudden intensity. “It was just a fucking letter. Chill!”

“Maybe I should call him…” Hanbin muttered taking out his phone. He wondered if he still had Bobby’s phone number, and if he did whether he was going to have to deal with him in a state of rage. How the hell he was going to explain Yeongjin’s behaviour now?

“What, are you calling him!?” Yeongjin snapped, sitting up. “Why the fuck would you do that?!”

“I don’t want any more drama. I might need to calm him down.”

“Look! All I said in the letter was sorry, ok?? I said I was sorry! Can you calm down and stop treating me like I’m a criminal! What did you think I was going to say??”

Hanbin stared at Yeongjin darkly, not sure whether to believe him or not.

“I was just messing with you!” Yeongjin groaned in frustration.

“You just said sorry…you promise that’s all you said?” Hanbin pleaded.

“Yes! All I said was sorry!”

Hanbin put away his phone, his heart still contracting painfully fast. He now felt guilty he hadn’t trusted Yeongjin.

“ _Jesus_ , I got him a gift and wrote him a sorry note because I thought you’d _want_ me to! I don’t want all this shit with Bobby! I never asked for it! I wanted to be his friend! But he doesn’t want it, what can I do??” Yeongjin sounded genuinely upset and Hanbin could see he was tired too. The drama with Bobby on top of Yeongjin’s injury was wearing them both out. They both wanted things back the way they were.

“I know, I know…I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for doing that.”

Yeongjin grunted, closed his eyes and flumped back down on the couch, rejecting Hanbin’s outstretched hand hovering in the air between them, hoping for a single touch that would make things ok again.

“Have a good nap.” Hanbin murmured before heading upstairs once more. Yeongjin didn’t reply.

 

 

***

 

A tapping sound on the glass of the recording room caught Bobby’s attention. He looked up from the lyrics he’d been studying to see his manager smiling nervously at him. He turned off his almost finished album blaring away in headphones, took them off and went out to greet him.

He felt bad for Wonjung. He was a nice guy, but Bobby knew he had no idea how to deal with him as a person, they were complete opposites. Wonjung was a bit OCD, very organised, a bit of a worrier, and very sincere. He suited a client who was willing, positive and proactive, someone like Dong and Yun, maybe Jinhwan who was empathetic. Not a client who was now known for grumpy, unpredictable, self-endangering behaviours. Like him.

He knew why Wonjung was here this afternoon, it was because Yeongjin’s statement had just been released and they didn’t trust him to read it alone in case he acted out. It was humiliating.

“How’s the album coming along?”

Bobby shrugged instead of attempting to articulate how knotted up his brain felt and sank into a chair. He felt as if he’d been doing creative cross fit, forcing himself again and again to put together tracks when he was already close to running on empty. He was wordless and brainless, and his feet hurt from standing in the same spot in front of the microphone for hours. He accepted the coke Wonjung passed him with grateful thanks and snapped it open.

The truth was he was at a creative stalemate with album. He had one last song to produce, YG wanted ten tracks. Right now, he had about five malnourished half-finished tracks, skeletons he couldn’t seem to flesh out no matter how hard he tried. And that was frustrating because that meant the longer it was going to take to finally get the pay off that was sharing the album with the world.

“All good, all good…just need to figure out one last track…and I’m out of ideas.”

“You’ll get there…” Wonjung twiddled his fingers awkwardly, they both knew he was waiting for a good opening to bring up the release.

“You want to supervise me reading the release, don’t you?” Bobby gave him a sideways smirk.

“No, no, I just want to make sure you’re ok about it, that you’re not worried.” Wonjung’s ears turned red.

“Let’s take a look at it,” Bobby sighed. Wonjung passed Bobby his phone already open on Yeongjin’s personal management site.

 

_Several months ago, an incident took place that has since been misrepresented and exploited by the media at the expense of an acquaintance of mine. I’m releasing this statement because I feel compelled to the defend this acquaintance whose good character has been called into question._

_An unprofessional team of security, who have since been dismissed, took it upon themselves to prevent the entry of an acquaintance into a social event of mine to which that acquaintance had been invited. They assumed this person was far more intoxicated than they really were and did not consult myself, their employer, before taking impulsive and brutal action which was edited out of the released clip._

_I am sincerely sorry this incident took place on my property and that my acquaintance was injured. I have faith in his good character and encourage the public to disregard the negative rumours surrounding him, there is more than meets the eye._

_Be safe everyone,_

_Jang Yeongjin_

 

“So, what do you think?” Wonjung asked, bracing himself for a blow up. Bobby looked blank. “You don’t like it?”

“Does it matter what I think? I’m not allowed to get my side of the story out there…so, whatever?” Bobby shrugged. Wonjung nodded slowly, uncomfortable with Bobby’s directness.

“I also have something for you. Yeongjin gave it to me to pass on to you at the meeting this morning.” Wonjung handed Bobby a medium sized box wrapped in textured black paper and a matching envelope. He read the letter first.

_Dear Bobby,_

_I want to apologise again for any distress caused by the footage. I suggest we put our previous quarrels behind us for the sake of both of our careers._

_Your caring hyung,_

_Yeongjin_

 

“What does it say?” Wonjun leaned over, hoping to catch a glimpse.

“Bullshit. That’s what it says.” Bobby scowled.

“Hey, hey! Don’t get all worked up!” Wonjung warned. “If you get yourself into any more trouble, I swear to god!”

“I’m not going to do anything, can’t be bothered…” Bobby muttered, opening up the gift. The only thing stopping him from throwing it straight into the bin was sheer curiosity. It was a pair of wireless Beats Headphones.

“Take this. It’s yours,” Bobby held out the box to his manager who stared at him with wide eyes.

“What? That’s an expensive gift though!”

“If you don’t want them just give it to someone else. I don’t want them.”

_And I don’t want anyone close to me to have them either._

“Really?”

“Take it already, man!” Bobby laughed, forcing the box into his managers hands.

“Well thank you, I think I’ll give them to my brother as a birthday gift!”

“Cute. He’ll love them, Wonnie.”

_I just want them as far away from me as possible, thanks._

Wonjung left only after Bobby reassured him several times that he wasn’t going to do anything rash and that he wasn’t “triggered” by Yeongjin statement and letter.

But Bobby re-read Yeongjin’s letter several times, finding something new to fume over each read. Yeongjin was apologising sure, but he wasn’t apologising for _his_ role in the whole debacle, he was just saying he was sorry the _footage_ had caused him harm. There was nothing in there about regretting not having tried to stop the footage getting out in the first place.

Secondly, was that a threat? Was Yeongjin warning him that if he didn’t accept his apology this time his career would be harmed again in the future? Fuck that.

Thirdly, it was clear that Yeongjin had finally realised the fragility of his own reputation now that he was caught up in the idol world. fans could be ruthless when it came to seeking vengeance on behalf of their stars, and labels could be ruthless when it comes to suing those who threatened their stars. On one hand Bobby felt satisfied knowing Yeongjin now knew he couldn’t get away with anything. On the other it didn’t make him feel safer, it made him feel depressed. He wanted Yeongjin to fuck up enough so that everyone, especially Hanbin, would be left no choice but to see him for he really was.

And lastly, “ _Hyung?”_ What the fuck was that about? Bobby seethed at how patronising and sarcastic it was. That false intimacy in the term that suggested Yeongjin thought he had something over him, not only in terms of age, but in maturity. Well, he didn’t know him, and he could make all the assumptions he wanted to about him, but he’d never even get close to who he really was because there was no way Bobby was going to let in someone as treacherous as Yeongjin anytime soon.

He put down the letter and angry words began collecting themselves into phrases in his mind. The sinister, intimidating wail of an emergency siren only he could hear filled his ears. With a happy, thrilling jolt he realised he had an idea for his last song and he knew just who he wanted to collaborate with to make it happen.

 

***

 

Due to the communication ban and their schedule, it was two weeks before the boys could finally catch up with Bobby.

Bobby had just returned home from a music video shoot for one of his title songs and it had been exhausting but cathartic. There was something about living out his own lyrics that was particularly poignant and exciting. Also he couldn’t wait till Minjee hear the song and realise she’d inspired it.

When the boys walked without Jinhwan Bobby’s face fall and Donghyuk noticed.

“Jinani’s sorry he couldn’t be here, he flew to Jeju this morning. He told me to tell you he hopes you’re doing ok and to stay positive.”

Bobby nodded slowly, not entirely convinced by the excuse.

“No for real,” Donghyuk urged him to believe, “he booked this flight a month ago to see his family.”

“Ok,” Bobby muttered, allowing himself to be reassured. Jinhwan had made some effort after all even if he wasn’t here now to see how he was in person. He’d texted him the day after his press release when the boys had all found out he was in trouble. It said “BOBBY FIGHTING!”

It had hurt a little at the time receiving such a short, flippant message from Jinhwan who they all knew to be the best pep talker in ikon. it had also reassured Bobby that he and Jinhwan still cared about each other, but confirmed his suspicion that Jinhwan also thought it was best they were friends apart for a while. Jinhwan didn’t want to deal with Bobby’s drama with Yeongjin anymore and Bobby didn’t want to deal with Jinhwan’s scolding and protectiveness of Hanbin’s weird relationship.

“So how are you all?” Bobby asked the boys who were making themselves comfortable on the few spots on the couches that weren’t draped with his neglected clothes. Chanwoo gave up looking for safe land and hopped up onto the kitchen counter.

“We’re fine, it’s you we want to hear about,” Yunhyeong insisted.

“What happened with Yeongjin?” Chanwoo asked, getting straight to the point.

“You don’t know yet? The managers didn’t tell you?”

“Nup, we nagged and nagged, they just said it was all a “big misunderstanding,” said Donghyuk. Bobby snorted.

“Yeah, a “big misunderstanding,” sure. He’s insane. I swear to god, if my album ends up flopping because people think I’m an alcoholic…” Bobby inserted some violent air punches to convey what he’d do to Yeongjin if that eventuated.

“Tell us what happened already,” June whinged. Bobby told them the story from the start and afterwards he felt validated by their shock.

 “I told you, he’s insane, he’s fucked up in the head, I know it.” Bobby meant his words, the boys could tell and it was worrying.

“Look what he did was really irresponsible and shitty of him…but don’t you think that’s a little harsh?” Donghyuk suggested meekly.

“No, I don’t think it’s harsh. I think Yeongjin is fucking dangerous.” There was a silence in the room and Bobby felt a flush of anger because he could sense the boys were still torn.

“But why would he want to deliberately hurt you?” Donghyuk wondered aloud.

“He’d do anything to get back at me.”

“Get back at you for what?”

“For not buying his bullshit.” Bobby said, realising aloud how true it was for the first time. “He knows I can see right through him, it scares him.”

The idea of Yeongjin fearing Bobby was new to the boys, after all they’d only ever seen Yeongjin as Hanbin’s cool but caring boyfriend. It was hard for them to reconcile the agreeable, friendly, calm Yeongjin they knew with the irresponsible, spiteful monster Bobby seemed to be dealing with.

At the same time discovering that Yeongjin hadn’t taken action to protect Bobby’s reputation had left them all with a bad taste in their mouth. Yeongjin’s cool, perfect façade was crumbling and there was no way they were going to look at him the same way.

“You’re not going to do anything to him, right?” Donghyuk pressed. “Because, please, don’t do that, not with your solo coming up…”

Bobby could hear a worried exhaustion in Donghyuk’s voice, and he could see the same feeling in the boys faces. They weren’t at the same point at Jinhwan, completely over it, but they were getting there and he felt panicked at the idea of losing them. He also felt guilty because he’d become _that_ friend. The one with endless drama that pulled everyone else in the group down with them, the one who never seemed to cut it out and get their shit together.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going near him ever again if I can help it. I hate him.”

“I don’t like him either,” June added unexpectedly. They all looked at him and Chanwoo snorted.

“What do you mean? You’ve never mentioned not liking him before?” Yun turned to June amused. June shrugged stubbornly but didn’t care to elaborate. They assumed it was to do with his silent competitiveness towards Yeongjin for the “cool guy” title and returned their attention to Bobby.

“Well look, we’re on your side ok? Even if we need to see Yeongjin to see Hanbin, it’s just going to be for that reason alone.” Donghyuk wrapped an arm around Bobby’s shoulders.

“Yeah…we won’t hang out with him anymore…not after this,” Chanwoo added, feeling protective towards his beloved tormentor.

Bobby nodded bashfully, touched by their loyalty. It felt good to have them finally announce their support.

“by the way,” Bobby began, trying not to sound too invested, “How’s Hanbin? He was stressed the day we had the meetings about the footage. How is he now?”

The boys didn’t show it but they felt the sadness and longing that came over Bobby when he said Hanbin’s name. Hanbin and Jinhwan’s absence in the apartment was suddenly felt keenly and they were all reminded just how significantly things had changed over the last two years.

 “He never replies these days.” Chanwoo quipped, stepping in to speak first as usual when the rest of the boys were struggling to find words. His joking tone lifted the mood of the room.

“He really doesn’t!” Yun exclaimed. “I message him five times a day, asking: how are you? What are you up to? Come eat with us? Can I come over? He gets back to me three days later with ‘I’m fine.’ So rude! He doesn’t even ask me how _I_ am!” Yunhyeong ranted full of umbrage making them laugh.

“He’s fine, just working too much as always,” Dong told Bobby more seriously, knowing how earnestly Bobby wanted to know.

“Good, good to hear…who’s hungry?” Bobby asked, changing the subject before the longing and yearning it came with could crush his heart completely.

 

***

 

“So, where are you going?” Bobby taking a break from his computer screen to spoon Minjee’s recent chocolate pumpkin cheesecake into his mouth. It had the light, fluffy, aerated texture of a Japanese cheesecake, with the richness milk chocolate, and the sweet, refreshing after taste of lightly roasted pumpkin.  He couldn’t get over how good it looked as well as tasted.

“You’ve asked me that question five times now,” Minjee informed him sharply from the bathroom where she was doing her makeup. She was getting ready to go out to a work function and Bobby was staying over at her place again as he often did these days.   

“Oh…so what did you say the last four times?”

“I’m going to a big corporate event for work.” Minjee replied miserably, her voice now coming from within the same room. Bobby looked up to see Minjee dressed very nicely in a grey silk dress and heels.

“Oh. You look pretty.” He told her, secretly glowing over the fact it that for the first time it was him who was staying in instead of going out.

Minjee blushed. She wondered if she was ever going to stop letting Jiwon make her blush. Since Jiwon had started staying over at hers’ at least five nights a week for the last month, she’d been blushing at least ten times a day.

There had been the time when she’d come home to find Bobby shirtless and asleep on the couch, his sturby arms raised up over his head, his chest on full show.

Another time when she’d accidentally run in on Bobby shaving in the bathroom, a towel just wrapped around his waist. He’d squealed exaggeratedly and flapped his hands like a panicked girl making her laugh her head off. “GO AWAY MINJEE! OMG YOU PERVERT!”

There had been that time he’d helped her in the kitchen with a particularly large stock pot. She’d nagged him for ages to come help her lift it down off a high shelf but it was only at the very last second his hands had covered hers tenderly as he removed it from her grip before she could drop it.

There was the way he came up so close behind her in the kitchen to peer into the pot of cream she was infusing with madagascan vanilla. The way he’d reach around her with a spoon to taste it even though she was slapping his hand away. “HEY, HEY, HEY! OUCH! HEY!”

She thought she’d get used to having Bobby around so much and so intimately, but she really wasn’t. Every day she felt both more tormented and more satisfied. He wasn’t hers, but it felt so much like it because they shared such a small space so often, doing the ordinary boring things only real couples did together.

They bonded over what to order in for dinner, because Bobby hated cooking and Minjee was too tired after finishing work and attending her cooking class. Bobby usually chose the cuisine but Minjee always decided which restaurant they were ordering from. Bobby was in awe of her knowledge of the Seoul food scene, she knew every food joint in the city, their menu, best dishes and reputation off by heart.

They bickered over the household tasks, Minjee scolding Bobby for being lazy and Bobby feeling guilty later and doing a huge load of washing and ironing to make up for it, folding things up neatly for her while playing back tracks and new edits sent to him by Diggy, Choice and Raesung.

They had evenings when they were both in a playful, silly mood and they’d tease each other and reminisce for hours at a time about the weird stuff they’d done as kids, their high school experiences in Virginia, their vague, blurry memories of attending kindergarten together in Seoul. Diving in and out of the past was comforting to both of them, grounding in a bittersweet way.

They had other nights when they were too tired to talk. They’d decide what to watch on Netflix through a smattering of grunts, usually pick something funny, and sit there on the couch in their daggiest, most comfortable clothes, both with bare spotty faces, passing each other snacks and giggling. One night they’d both fallen asleep mid-film, and only much later had Bobby shaken her awake gently and told her she’d be more comfortable in her own bed. He’d guided her half asleep back to her bedroom with a warm hand on the small of her back, then returned to his own couch.

She felt bad Bobby had to sleep on the couch, but he really didn’t mind. He was just so happy Jee had let him back into her life and relieved he didn’t have to spend each night alone, he would have folded himself up like a set of sheets and slept in her tiny linen cupboard if he’d had to.

“Thank you,” Minjee muttered, patting her dress down and hoping Bobby wasn’t noticing how flustered she was, “but I really don’t want to go.”

“Why?”

“Would you want to go to an event full of boring accountant types who just want to schmooze with the right people to get a promotion or move departments?”

“Nope.” Bobby grinned.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Just come home early. Cook that banana cake you promised me.” Bobby instructed her bossily. She smiled, it was certainly tempting. She loved cooking in the kitchen and hearing him hum over from the loungeroom. It was the nicest feeling in the world being at home with just him, doing their own thing, but together in the same place. It felt like they belonged to each other.

“You mean the one with the whipped sea salt caramel icing? Or the one with burnt butter and cardamon icing?”

“Yeah, that one.” Minjee rolled her eyes, Bobby was looking at his screen and not listening again.

“I’ll stay long enough for my boss to see I’m there making an effort then get a cab the hell out of there.”

“No, don’t get a cab, waste of money. Just text me and I’ll come pick you up.”

Minjee blushed. Again.

It ended up being three hours later that Bobby got her text. When he drove past the function centre she was outside on the curb, waiting for him.

 “How was it?”

“Awful.”

“Sucked in.” Bobby giggled.

“Yep, everyone older and more important ignored me because I’m young and new and they don’t have anything to gain from me. And the other young and new people ignored me because they also can’t gain anything from me.”

“So…why are you working for this company again?” Bobby laughed, but he wasn’t really joking. He couldn’t imagine anything worse than doing Minjee’s job. He’d rather be flipping burgers, washing cars, or serving drinks.

“Because it’s a good job.”

“In what sense.”

“In a money sense.”

“Money’s not everything…you need to be happy, and money can’t buy happiness.”

“Money’s not everything? Easy for you to say Mr. Idol. You forget that I’m still helping my parents pay off debt from when I was ten years old!” Minjee’s bitter tone took Bobby by surprise and he glanced at her.

He knew how she felt all too well, how financial decisions made years before you were born could become your burden to bear and there was no getting rid of it. He knew that in this world no one stepped in to help you out financially, no one cared if it wasn’t your fault, that you didn’t deserve it. They just charged you more interest or delivered another bill.

“Jiwon, can you do me a favour?”

“What?”

“Can we drop in at that supermarket? I need some stuff for the banana cake.”

Bobby nodded, more than happy to help her be happy. Just before getting out of the car in the supermarket carpark she leaned down into the car.

“You don’t want to come in?” She asked cheekily, remembering one time year and years ago, back in Virginia when she’d been with Bobby and his brother, racing through the aisles of a Wallmart, playing tag, pushing each other along in trollies, stopping as soon as Bobby’s mother looked around, bursting into laughter again the moment she looked away.

“Can’t.” Bobby smiled sadly. “People see me walking around with an unknown pretty girl? I’m fucked.”

“Right, right…I forgot.” As she walked away to the entrance of the shop she looked back and saw leaning his head back against the headrest of his seat, his eyes closed, looking impossibly worn out by life. Her heart hurt for him.

_You’re right Jiwon, money can’t buy you happiness…_

It was only when they were back in Minjee’s kitchen that Bobby had the guts to make his offer.

“You know I could help you out?”

“No, it’s fine, whisking this isn’t too hard,” Minjee assured him.

“No, I mean financially. I can help you and your parents. Mum and Dad would want me to.”

Minjee sighed, she should have known this was coming. This was why she rarely talked to Jiwon about money, it always led to shame and guilt.

“That’s very sweet of you…but Mum and Dad would never accept your help and you know that.”

“What about you? What if I gave you the help and then you could choose what to do with it yourself? Would you accept it?”

“No.” Minjee replied shortly.

“Why not?” Bobby challenged.

“Because…that’s a favour I can’t return, and therefore it would make our relationship unequal.”

Bobby snorted.

“It’s already unequal. You put up with all my shit and get nothing in return.”

“That’s not true,” Minjee scolded. “You keep me company. You make me happy. Really happy.” She was blushing, she knew it.

“Yeah but you realise when this album is done I’m going to be busy for two months at least promoting it and performing. Flat out busy. And I’m really sorry about that.”

“I know, I know.” Minjee didn’t want to think about that just yet. She just wanted to enjoy Jiwon now she had him all to herself. Sharing him with fans again was going to be so hard..

“Well, how are you going…with your…finances? Are you struggling to pay rent and stuff? Because if you are you’d be irresponsible not to accept help,” Bobby smile cheekily as Minjee rolled her eyes.

He knew Minjee came from a proud family, but he wanted to know her situation, he didn’t want her to deal with it alone. God knows, he’d done that when he’d first started at YG. The only reason he hadn’t gone home that first miserable year was the potential of financial success and Hanbin.

“Look, it’s hard to save when you’re always paying something off…but I can’t complain. At least I can pay things off right? I mean it would be really fucking nice if I could afford to do take Cedric Grolet’s masterclass in Paris which I’ve always dreamed of doing…but, you know, that can wait for another five or so years I guess. I need to take care of Mum and Dad.”

“Cedric Grolet?”

“Yeah, he’s my idol. He was here recently in Seoul did you know?? I left work early one day just to be able to try his “tarteaux pommes” and it was…a _revelation_. Here look, I have pics!”

An idea formulated in Bobby’s mind as Minjee showed him a reel of pics on her phone of a pastry that looked so realistic he could have sworn it was really an apple. Inside it was lined with cream and cubes of baked apple rolled out once it was cut.

“You know if I could pay for the masterclass for you?” Bobby looked at her so earnestly her heart hurt.

“Don’t, just don’t.” She muttered, putting the cake into the oven with a sad smile. “Go to bed. This isn’t going to be ready for a while.”

But Bobby didn’t want to go to bed and leave her alone. He was to shy to say that though.

“I’m not tired. Wanna watch something while we wait?”

Minjee smiled and blushed. Again.

 

 

***

 

“Can I have a listen?” Namkyu asked. He’d come over to visit his moody client because he’d stopped replying to his text messages. There was no point calling Hanbin when he did that, he’d just “miss” those too. It was best to come over without warning and catch him exactly as he was, that was the only way to really find out how he was going.

They were sitting in Hanbin’s studio and Namkyu could tell he was irritable, he’d been inside for too many days in a row, sinking deeper and further into his own head.

Hanbin rolled his neck around on his shoulders, stretching out his tight muscles.

 

“It’s not very good yet though…it’s really rough.” Hanbin passed his manager a set of headphones as he talked down his work as he always did. Despite his success it was a habit he’d retained from his early days as a YG trainee, never talk something up, it leads to ego and disappointment.

It was a melancholy song set in a minor key, mournful and full of confusion. Hanbin’s thin, poignant voice ached with regret.

“It’s a breakup song.” Namkyu announced surprised, taking off the headphones once the last chords had faded out. “You haven’t written a breakup song for a long time.”

Ever since Yeongjin appeared Hanbin had been writing love songs, the sexy, broody, thrilling kind.

 “It’s not really a breakup song, it’s just a sad song.”

“Who’s it for?”

“No one. I just felt like writing it.”

“Is it for you?”

“Nosy Nam,” Hanbin teased, giving his managers shoulder a gentle push. “I haven’t decided who it’s for yet, I might gift it or keep it for myself…I’ve got a bit on my mind at the moment…”

“Yeah? Want to talk about it?” Nam asked. Hanbin hesitated with his mouth parted in thought. He was about to speak when the door to the studio opened and Yeongjin walked in.

Hanbin removed his hand which had been resting affectionately on his managers shoulder.

“Hey,” Hanbin offered Yeongjin in a soft voice. Yeongjin nodded at him and his manager.

“Hey, and hey Nam. How are you?”

“I’m well Yeongjin, yourself?” Namkyu replied, doing his best to be polite and impartial with Yeongjin who he’d become increasingly wary of. He could no longer joke around with Yeongjin the way he had during Hanbin’s Asia Tour. It was impossible to joke with someone when it was your job to take them seriously, very seriously.

“I’m going out now, are you coming?” Yeongjin asked Hanbin.

“I can’t,” Hanbin replied regretfully.

“Really?”

 “It’s for another artist, I have to finish it.”

“When do you have to finish it by?”

“Soon.”

“Soon as in, you need to have it ready asap, or soon as in by the end of the day or tomorrow? Because I doubt leaving the house for the first time in three days for two hours is really going to kill you.”

Namkyu felt an awkwardness dominate the room like a vacuum, suffocating everything in sight. He studied his hands in his lap.

 

“The latter, it needs to be done by today.” Hanbin replied curtly. Namkyu let out an involuntary sigh that sounded like a groan. Yeongjin looked at him.

“So are you ok with him literally not leaving the house for a week? Do you think that’s normal?”

“I’ve seen Hanbin do it many times, believe it or not.” Namkyu shrugged.

“Just because he does it often doesn’t mean it’s good for him.” Yeongjin complained. But Hanbin had turned back to his computer and didn’t seem to be listening. Giving up Yeongjin muttered, “I’ll be back later,” and left.  

“What was that?” Namkyu demanded, recovering from the emotional exhaustion inflicted upon him by witnessing such a battle of wills.

“What was what?”

“That! That was the most awkward I’ve ever seen you two. Is there something going on I should know about?”

“We’re fine,” Hanbin dismissed. “Listen to this. I’ll think you’ll like it.” Hanbin forced the headphones back into his managers hands, either determined to stay in denial for one song longer, or genuinely convinced nothing was wrong, Namkyu couldn’t tell.  

 

 

***

 

Bobby hung up his headphones and let out a gushing breath. Outside the recording booth Diggy, Choice, Raesung and Mino were losing it.

He opened the door to the sound of their cheering and let them embrace him hard, one at a time. He couldn’t stop thanking them, he said the words again and again until they sounded like another language.

He just couldn’t believe it, they’d just finished the final recording with Mino for the last track and now, finally, thankfully, terrifyingly his first solo album was done.

It had taken a week or so for Mino to be free from Winner promotions, but the actual creative process had been short, fiery and brilliant.

Bobby knew this was a song in which he was going to show everyone, especially Yeongjin, that he hadn’t been crushed, nor had his career. This was going to be his chance to defend himself when injustice and society’s expectations had forced him to remain silent. He was going to remind everyone that he was still just getting better, that he was the King of the Youth and wasn’t going to be giving that title up anytime soon.

He’d proposed to Mino they write an indirect diss track, a subtle one that suggested at no one and everyone at the same time. Mino had risen to the challenge, more than happy to help his friend, he didn’t even need to know the full story.

“We need to keep 90% of it open and vague…” Mino suggested expertly, “Then slip in just _one thing_ that will let the guy know it’s about him. But it needs to be subtle, so subtle no one will believe him when he says it’s about him, you can’t afford to get in anymore trouble right now. We need to throw people off track, put other stuff in there that isn’t aimed at him, something generic that could hint at one hundred other people.”

Bobby nodded along eagerly, appreciating how seriously Mino was taking his challenge.

“Ok, well I already got that _one thing_. It’s from a personal letter he wrote me, and no one’s read it but me and him. But he’ll know what I’m talking about as soon as he hears it.”

“Nice, tell me.”

“I’ll just rap it for you right now, this was the verse I was thinking….” Mino and listened eagerly, enjoying the intimidating beat. He checked with Bobby what the one thing was, and he guessed correctly. “Did the really call himself that?” Bobby nodded, and Mino grinned in disbelief.

They worked through the rest of the song deliriously fast, both enjoying the confrontational, fearless energy of the song. Even choosing the song’s title took just a minute.

“So, what do you want to call it?”

“ _Up_.” Bobby replied without missing a beat.

“Right yeah, that fits because of the chorus,” Mino understood the logic, as it was one of the key words of the song and featured heavily in the chorus.

“Not just because of that,” Bobby informed him with a toothy grin and cheeky glint in his eyes, “but because my career is going up, and his is going down.” Like kids they both burst into excited, hysterical laughter at Bobby’s savageness.

Bobby left the studio and headed to YG’s headquarters to show the man himself what he’d done, feeling an immense satisfying conviction that he’s just created something he would be proud of for the rest of his life.

But the was a question that haunted him in the back of his mind. Had he finally got Hanbin out of his system? Had he finished purging the love of their youth, the heartwrenching, bitter end? The unrequited love and regret of the last six months?

He didn’t know for sure, and only time would tell

_I don’t know when I’m going to stop loving you, if I ever will, but these could be my last songs for you Hanbin, the last ones forever._

 

 

***

 

Standing in a small group of other YG artists and Yeongjin, waiting for Bobby’s launch to start, Hanbin was a nervous wreck. Yeongjin stood bedside him looking incredibly handsome and good-natured. He just needed to get Yeongjin and Bobby through this night in the same room as each other, and then make sure it never had to happen again.

He knew there was no way Bobby would want to ruin his solo debut by having a fight with Yeongjin, and he knew Bobby couldn’t afford for that to happen right now. His reputation was hanging on by the few threads Yeognjin’s release had thrown him.

He could also tell Yeongjin didn’t have the energy or care to worry about Bobby tonight, his knee had been troubling him all day and he hadn’t wanted to go. Namkyu had politely insisted he go however, as it was his job to help push the narrative that Bobby and Yeongjin had a supportive friendship. Rolling his eyes Yeongjin finally agreed to get ready.

At the club, the location of Bobby’s launch, Hanbin was relieved to see the boys but he could tell something was off the moment they didn’t greet Yeongjin with their usual warmness. There was no hug, no shoulder bumps or clasped handshakes. They were polite and bowed and smiled, a strangely formal greeting that made Hanbin wonder if Bobby had swayed their opinion of Yeongjin.

Yeongjin didn’t acknowledge the change in the boy’s manner towards him even if he noticed it. The boys left him and Yeongjin to see Bobby backstage and Hanbin felt concerned.

_Just got to get through this night calmly and without drama…that’s all we have to do…_

 

 

***

 

Bobby was nervous. The nauseating, shivery, gut clenching type. He couldn’t sit still, he felt like he’d had at least seven energy drinks, a packet of lollies, a gallon of red cordial and a Vietnamese iced coffee, all in the space of five minutes.

He was backstage at the launch party of his solo debut album: _Love and Fall_ and time was going both agonisingly slowly and cruelly fast. Each passing second felt like two minutes at least, but whenever he checked the time on his phone ten minutes had passed instead of five. His heart beat against his ribs like it was trying to break free.

He could barely focus on the boys who were trying to hype him up. He nodded robotically at their encouragement and he forced his cheeks into a tight, sickly smile. He had temporarily returned to the present seeing Jinhwan walk in with the boys. They’d stood awkwardly smiling at each other until June had rolled his eyes and shoved Jinhwan forwards.

“Hey,” Bobby smiled, hugging Jinhwan.

“You’re going to be awesome, relax.” Jinhwan replied. The boys couldn’t help noticing that neither of them acknowledged their recent feud. Clearly this wasn’t a reconciliation, more an armistice.

The boys hadn’t seen Bobby this nervous in a long time, not since he’d still been with Hanbin. Although they were all hiding it, they were starting to get worried for him. Nothing had been going right for Bobby for a long time. It was like he’d been living under a curse ever since he fell back in love with Hanbin. He seemed to go from rock bottom to new rock bottom every few weeks.

Chanwoo had been saddened and confused seeing Bobby, his tough, usually chill mentor, so broken and lost. Donhyuk had been hopeful and positive that things would turn around for Bobby, but during the last few months he’d become increasingly frantic for it to finally happen. Yunhyeong alternated between wanting to shake some sense into Bobby, and pulling him to his chest like a long-lost son and never letting him go. June was just clueless. Clueless as to how to help, and clueless as to how to make sense of it all. And they all knew where Jinhwan stood, he didn’t want anything more to do with it, he’d mentally checked out. These days, as soon as Donghyuk mentioned being worried about Bobby or Hanbin to him Jinhwan cut him off with, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to know. They’re adults, they need to work their own shit out.”

As they farewelled Bobby and left him staring into space backstage, he’d stopped twitching and fallen into an unnatural paralysis, they all felt a desperate anxiousness for him to do well. He just _had_ to, he needed a good performance to lift his spirits and confidence, to remind him there was more to life right now than regretting everything with Hanbin and raging about Yeongjin.

But if he messed up, none of them had any idea what they were going to do with him, and it filled them with dread. What if they couldn’t help him? What if he just kept sinking down even further?

“Is he going to be ok?” Yunhyeong asked Dong quietly, Bobby’s blank face as they said goodbye scared him.

“He’ll kill it,” Dong replied, his hopefulness so desperate it left no room for doubt.

Now the boys had left, Bobby had no distractions from his impending performance. It had been a long time since so much was at stake for him, he felt weighed down by the need to overcome all the mental hurdles that lay ahead of him.

He was nervous about showing off his first solo album: would people like the songs? Would they appreciate the concept of the album? Would they respect the fact it was going to sound different to what they were expecting, a whole album of _Holup_? Would the public accept it in light of the recent scandal he’d had? Would they forgive him or would they boycott him? What would YG say if the album flopped after giving him so much freedom artistically?

He was performing to some of his most revered labelmates, to reviewers, to other rappers he admired, to people whose opinions mattered.

He was performing for the boys who he knew were dying for him to rise from the ashes finally. The idea of disappointing them almost made him retch.

He was performing for his enemy this evening. Yeongjin was going to be sitting there in the audience, waiting and watching for a slip up. He knew it.

And he was performing for the person who had inspired so much of the album. How much was Hanbin going to read into his lyrics? What would he think? What would he feel?

Bobby groaned aloud imaging it, just as Wonjung appeared.

“You ok??”

“No. I’m not ok. I’m shitting myself.” Bobby confessed, not even noticing he’d just spoken in English.

“Ok…let’s get you a glass of water maybe…”

“Water?!” Diggy chortled, who’d also just come by to wish Bobby luck. “He needs to down some Hennessey.”

“I don’t want anything, really,” Bobby grinned weakly, he didn’t know if he could keep anything down.

“Ok well, you’re out there in 5 minutes, so pull yourself together!” Wonjun laughed, giving his shoulder a shake. “You’re going to be great.” Bobby wasn’t sure if he was being paranoid but it sounded like Wonjung was trying to convince himself more than anything.

He had his last make up check and then he was bracing himself to jump out on stage. Outside he could hear the crowd of at least one hundred people jostling, cheering, whistling, hyping themselves up. Bobby let out a slow hiss of a breath, trying to calm himself.

Now YG was talking into a mic, his introduction barely audible over the noise. Bobby closed his eyes and rolled his head around on his neck, cracked his shoulders and hopped foot to foot on the spot. YG finally stopped talking to a loud, raucous applause and the first upbeat, tropical notes of his title track began.

Then his feet were moving him onstage.

In between the small, insignificant distance between backstage and the mic at the front of the small intimate stage, four metres, no more, something happened that later on Bobby would regard as miraculous.

Maybe it was the pure, innocent joy and pride in hearing his title track played out loud for the first time. Maybe it was the simple fact that music had always had a hypnotic, intoxicating effect on him, and in those brief few seconds it once again worked its magic, loosening him up, erasing the past and future, locating him firmly, wildly in the present. Maybe the neon lights, the cold grip of the microphone, and the energy radiating from the audience triggered his body memory, reminding him that after all, wasn’t the stage actually the place he felt his best, most confident, talented and successful self? Maybe it was his defiant, stubborn side emerging and simply refusing to fail, refusing to let all the stresses of the last few months kill this moment that he knew he would remember for the rest of his life. Maybe it was simply that the adrenaline finally had an outlet to do its thing and it had converted his nervousness into an abundance of energy.

Whatever the reason was he suddenly felt light, buoyant, comfortable, thrilled, dependable, and so full of confidence he had some to spare, in fact he was going to throw it out to the crowd and make them feel the same way. He began to sing without hesitation, losing himself in the story of the song.

Even though the song was confessional he didn’t feel ashamed, in fact he felt emboldened by his honesty. For the first time in months it felt as if he was finally being authentic, just saying what he felt the way he wanted to, singing it to the world without apology. It felt so amazing, like the release of hands that had been throttling his throat, finally letting him breathe, that he forgot to worry whether Hanbin was going to understand it was about the end of the relationship.

 

 _We shared a life that wasn’t short_  
Our hearts matured  
Rather than lovers, we were like family  
Now whatever we do, feels like we already did it

 _Now our answers have become short_  
Feeling the difference in the weight of our hearts  
Our silence forecasts the end  
On our lukewarm night  
  
You had high expectations  
And I was really tired  
Would we be different  
If we understood each other a little more?  
  
When you have to try in love  
That already means it’s not love  
With love without the butterflies  
Only attachment remains

 

Bobby knew the audience was surprised by the tropical house sound, by the softness and romance of his lyrics, the fact he was singing instead of rapping. But instead of that intimidating him he was thrilled by the fact he’d surprised them by what he could do.

In the audience the boys surfed the waves of that surprise with the rest of the crowd. It began as cheerful curiosity, turned into delighted appreciation, and by the end of the first song the venue had already become a totally engrossed party.

“ _Yes_ ,” Jinhwan hissed to himself under his breath, knowing full well he was going to cry if he didn’t keep it together. The other boys couldn’t stop grabbing each other and nodding at each other in ecstatic relief. Together they all moved closer to the stage to make best use of the dance floor.

Bobby finished his first track to enthusiastic applause then the melancholy guitar chords of his rap ballad reverberated throughout the venue. He felt yet another rush of energy pass throughout his body.

With Minjee and their shared childhood in mind which had inspired the songs title _Runaway_ , and that miserable afternoon he’d been told by the boys Hanbin had moved in with Yeongjin, he channelled all the suffering and emotion he’d experienced the past few months into his rapping. The entire venue listened intently, surprised once again by the change in tone and how confidently Bobby had handled the transition.

Hanbin stood very still further back from the stage, swept along by Bobby’s flow and performance, completely oblivious to Yeongjin standing next to him. It was a shock experiencing again after so long how solid and robust Bobby’s stage presence was, how it felt like Bobby was sharing a special electric current everyone within hearing range. Hanbin had forgotten how addictive that feeling was, how confident he made one feel simply by watching him move around on stage as if no one was watching.

From the first line of the first song Bobby’s lyrics had taken Hanbin by surprise, like catching his sleeve on something they tugged him backwards suddenly. But before he could come to any conclusions about their meaning, Bobby was delivering another equally surprising line that distracted him.

The next two songs after _Runaway_ continued the positive, party atmosphere, and Bobby loosened up even more, ad libbing whenever he felt like it, accepting drinks from members of the audience, interacting with them and laughing, and letting the music dictate his dancing without a care in the world.

When the sinister, intimidating wail of the alarm of his fifth track sounded Bobby couldn’t help smirking. He couldn’t see Yeongjin out there in the crowd, but he didn’t need to. He knew with one word Yeongjin would know this song was about him, but the great thing was, no one else would and Yeongjin would never be able to prove it. And with Mino now beside him on stage to deliver his own verse, Bobby felt totally invincible.

 

 _I lost another friend_  
Jealousy can commit murder  
You all can’t bear to see me succeed  
You’re just standing there in front of the microphone  
Every day, you realize  
There’s nothing more fresh than me  
On this scene, colder than the freezer  
Bobby hit it off since the start, no time for rest, agree?  
Ain’t no “HYUNG” tryna piss me off NO NO NO  
  


As soon as Mino had appeared on stage besides Bobby, sending the room even more wild, Hanbin knew exactly where the song was headed, it was going to be a diss track. He should have known Bobby would do something like this and cursed himself for not preparing Yeongjin for it before they arrived.

Anxiously he strained to hear the lyrics, hoping to the very core of his being it wasn’t about Yeongjin and that Bobby had other enemies to insult.

Bobby was going hard on stage and the audience was too, surrendering themselves to the intensity of his and Mino’s performance. He had the same ferocious, intimidating energy he’d had during Show Me The Money, an energetic, threatening, triumphant presence.

Hanbin didn’t pick up on anything specifically referencing Yeongjin, but deep down he knew the song was at least partly a dig at him. Thankfully next to him Yeongjin was unfazed or oblivious, nodding his head along to the music and enjoying himself.

Hanbin remained on the look out for any lyrics targeted at Yeongjin for the rest of the album, and because he was distracted, the intimacy and rawness of Bobby’s final slow song took caught him off guard.

The song was addressing a girl, but there was something so intimate and raw about Bobby’s singing and lyrics that Hanbin couldn’t help but wonder while his stomach jumped suspiciously. Certain lines stood out to him because they reminded him of things Bobby had said to him in the past.

_“Baby I’m in love, A love that won’t ever come to me again..”_

_“Sometimes, I’m poison to you, I might give you a hard time baby..”_

_“…I can be your last that no one else was..”_

_“I’ll walk with you When no one’s there, I won’t let go of your hand, I’ll keep telling you, Baby I’m in love with you.”_

For a moment Bobby opened his eyes and were looked down the microphone sitting in its stand, clasped tightly between his hands.

Hanbin watched as Bobby’s eyes scanned the crowd then stopped, looking right at him. His stomach dropped, but Bobby’s eyes moved away again before he could be sure he’d even seen him through the glare of the neon stage lights.

There were another three fun, uplifting, playful tracks and then Bobby did an encore of _Alien_. Yeongjin took Hanbin’s arm gently.

“Can we go now? My knee is killing me.”

“I think that’s fine…” Hanbin conceded reluctantly. Part of him wanted to wait till the show had finished so he could speak to Bobby and congratulate him on the album.  Another part of him was looking for an excuse to leave early so that wouldn’t have to happen. “I’ll say goodbye to a few people and the boys, then we can go ok.”

Yeongjin nodded, looking drawn and tired. Hanbin realised his leg must really be painful and quickly made his way through the heaving crowd to reach the boys.

Bobby’s eyes had adjusted to the lighting by his third song and he caught Hanbin and Yeongjin heading towards the exit from the corner of his eyes. He didn’t let it get him down though, he was feeling too good about himself now to let anything ruin his night.

 

***

 

In the taxi on the way back home Yeongjin was silent, a relief to Hanbin because he was still processing. He felt buzzed, emotional, confused and thoughtful at the same time, it was the kind of mood he found ideal for inspiration and song writing. He couldn’t wait to get back to his studio and keep working on his latest song, he was now really in the mood.  

He didn’t know when he was next going to see Bobby, probably not for a long time and felt increasingly bad he hadn’t stayed to congratulate him professionally, as one artist to another. He had to say something, it would be petty, rude and wrong of him not to.

_“The album is great, well done.”_

He sent the text quickly before he could change his mind and slipped his phone away, returning to staring out the window for the rest of the trip home.

“So, that went ok, didn’t it? it wasn’t too bad after all?” Hanbin grinned weakly as Yeongjin fixed himself a drink in the kitchen, his back turned towards him. There was no answer, just the sound of a ice clinking against glass. “Do you want me to get you some pain killers? I’ll go get them for you upstairs.”

Yeongjin took a long sip from this glass of whiskey. He was clearly in too much pain to talk, he just wanted to be left alone.

“Ok well, I’m going to head to bed, I need an early night. We're leaving for the hip hop festival in Busan tomorrow morning, remember? You should go to bed soon too.” Hanbin headed for the stairs.  

“Hanbin, first, before you go…” Yeongjin said in a sharp, tight voice that made Hanbin stop in his tracks at the base of the stairs. “Can you explain something to me?”

“Yeah?” Hanbin replied. Yeongjin turned to face him.

“How are you not pissed off?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean how are you so fucking calm right now?”

Hanbin felt apprehension build quickly as Yeongjin’s blank face turned into one of pure disgust.

“I…” his voice faltered as Yeongjin stormed across the room towards him, looking livider with each step.

“You _ex boyfriend_ just sang a fucking _diss_ track about me…and you’re going to go upstairs and get an early night??” Yeonjin hissed.

 “What do you want me to do?” Hanbin asked, his heart drumming at the base of his throat.

“What do you _think_ I want you to do?” Yeongjin snarled. “I want you to fucking show him!”

“Show him what?”

“THAT HE CAN’T GET AWAY WITH IT!” Yeongjin roared. Hanbin wanted to back away but he was already up against the wall. He wanted to run away upstairs, but he hesitated to move, worried anything he did was going to escalate Yeongjin’s rage further.

“I don’t know what I can do?” Hanbin felt helpless. “I’m not sure it _was_ even about you!”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Of course it was about me! Are you a complete fucking moron??”

At the insult Hanbin felt himself shut down completely. He couldn’t deal with the full force of Yeongjin’s rage, he couldn’t match it, Yeongjin’s fire was far bigger and stronger. If he tried to he’d only be hurling himself into a furnace. He began up the stairs, determined not listen to another word, but he was yanked backwards by Yeongjin

“Here!” Yeongjin snatched Hanbin’s hand and slapped his phone into it. “Let’s start with this then! Give him a call and tell him what a fucking asshole he is!” Hanbin shook his head and tried to give Yeongjin back his phone.

“No.”

“Why not?” Yeongjin demanded.

“I don’t want to fight with him,” Hanbin’s voice was quavering but he wasn’t going to give in.

“You don’t want to fight with him?” Yeongjin repeated in patronising disbelief, as if talking to a child.

“I don’t want anymore drama.” Hanbin insisted as assertively as he could.

Yeongjin nodded with a knowing, bitter grin on his face, as if something he’d suspected all along had proven to be correct. Then suddenly his face contorted with rage. He grabbed his phone from Hanbin’s limp fingers, whirled around and threw it across the room with all his strength.

It hit an expensive framed photograph on the far wall with a shatter of glass as piercing and shocking as a scream. Hanbin jumped. Shards cascaded to the floor, the phone was in pieces.

“Stop! What hell are you doing!” Hanbin cried in horror.

“HEY!” Teddy suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs. Hanbin had no idea he’d been in the house but he didn’t think twice about it. This was the first time he was relieved to see the sarcastic, pessimistic manager.

Teddy quickly tottered down the stairs and grabbed Yeongjin’s shirt. “What the fuck are you doing? Calm the fuck down!”

“HE’S GOT NO FUCKING BALLS! NONE WHATSOEVER!” Yeongjin bellowed, pointing at Hanbin who felt his stomach shrink with shame.

“Go upstairs, I’ll calm this fuckwit down,” Teddy ordered him. Without a moment’s hesitation Hanbin dashed up the stairs, two at a time, and went straight to his studio. Leaning against the closed door he realised he was shaking violently and that he felt painfully cold. He was in shock.

He heard another sound of glass shattering from downstairs and a new burst of shouting. It was too much, he’d never experienced anything like this, he didn’t know what to do or think.

He sat down at his desk and out on his headphones and began working on his latest track. He needed to block out everything or else he was going to cry.

 

 

***

 

Hanbin woke to the sound of his phone ringing with a start. He’d fallen asleep at his desk and now He had two text messages from Namkyu letting him know he was outside waiting to take him to the airport.

He sent him a text: “ONE MINUTE” and raced to his room, throwing random clothes into his backpack. Yeongjin wasn’t in bed, he too must have fallen asleep elsewhere.

Hanbin remembered Yeongjin’s outburst, the way he’d shouted in his face, the terrible way he’d insulted him. Yeongjin was meant to be coming with him to Busan and he had no idea how he was going to face him.

But when he got downstairs to the loungeroom he didn’t have to, Yeongjin was heavily asleep on the couch. Teddy was asleep on the other one. A strange smell hung in the air.

As he walked through the kitchen to head down to the garage someone snorted awake. Teddy sat up and looked at Hanbin.

“Wait, wait, kid,” Teddy stumbled over with red eyes, “you ok? Sorry about him last night, he can be an absolute asshole. He didn’t mean shit, he was in a lot of pain, he flipped out and he’s totally ashamed of himself. He cried till about 3am in the morning, wanted to come up and aplogise to you. I told him to leave you alone, said you needed space after being yelled at like that.”

Hanbin looked over at Yeongjin stretched out on the couch, his chin resting on his chest, his sore leg hanging off to side.

“Isn’t he cold?”

“No, he’s fine. But don’t worry about what happened ok? Don’t blow it out of proportion. He’s crazy about you, he’s just a stupid hot head, always has been. All bark, no bite.” Teddy yawned widely. “Anyway, have a good trip kid.”

“Teddy, please take care of him…”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Hanbin left the house feeling like he was on the verge of tears but had no energy to actually go through with it. When he got into the car he told Nam he was exhausted from Bobby’s party the night before, and no questions were asked.


	24. First Atttempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transmogrify 
> 
> (v.) to change in appearance of form, especially strangely or grotesquely 
> 
>  
> 
> Charientism 
> 
> (n.) an artfully veiled insult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1259878
> 
> Blog post about how Double B look throughout the story if you're interested. 
> 
> xxx

As Bobby woke up he could feel the twinge of a hangover headache, the kind that sits in the back of the head and at the very front like a dead weight.

It wasn’t enough though to crush the incredible wave of happiness he was still riding from the previous night. He rolled over onto his back with his eyes still shut, and relieved the whole glorious night with a sleepy, triumphant smile, allowing himself to soak up the satisfaction and fulfilment of having proven himself once again as an artist and performer.

He hadn’t realised till last night when he’d felt so good just how badly Hanbin moving on with Yeongjin had shaken his confidence. Now lying in bed on his side checking his music videos, millions of views each, and the steady climb of his title tracks on the charts, he felt like a new person.

After the launch party he, the boys, and a few others from the label had gone onto another club to keep the party going. They boys were so overjoyed to see Bobby happy and succeeding they wanted to make the most of the moment. They showered him with drinks, compliments, jokes and banter, and updated him every ten minutes on how his songs were charting. Even Jinhwan had been affectionate with him.

There had only been one small blow in the evening, and that had been seeing Hanbin leave early with Yeongjin. He hadn’t let it get to him on stage but in the cab on the way to the next club with the boys Bobby had a moment of sadness. He’d really thought Hanbin would have at least stayed to congratulate him personally. He wondered if he’d been stupid and expected too much.  

On one hand he’d felt confident that Hanbin would speak to him after the show, briefly at least, because he knew he believed in doing things like that, in acknowledging IKON members hard work. It was about supporting the group, being professional, showing YG family spirit. On the other hand Bobby knew he was being a bit rich expecting that of Hanbin when it may have been a rather awkward night for him. How much had Hanbin picked up on? Did he know which songs were about him, about them? Had he sensed UP was about Yeongjin?

_But you got to write an album about me, Hanbin…so I get a turn too, to talk about us, it’s only fair…_

And what about Yeongjin himself, who’d been there the whole performance. Had he worked out _UP_ was about him? Probably, Bobby snorted to himself. He didn’t give a shit.

Whilst stuck in traffic Bobby took the opportunity to finally go through the dozens of messages he’d received from family and friends, all congratulating him on his album. For a second his heart had seized up seeing Hanbin’s text, and reading it made a small lump appear in his throat.

_“The album is great, well done.”_

He’d gulped hard and managed to push the happy tears down before the boys noticed. He couldn’t help it, it just meant so much to him to have Hanbin acknowledge his work, to tell him he’d done well.

He’d soared for the rest of the night till the boys dropped him home, where in his foggy, drunken happiness he’d tried to brainstorm ways to see Hanbin again soon. He wanted an excuse to talk to him about the album, to find out what song he liked best, if he liked the sound of the album, how it differed from his expectations, how it was the same...

Now he lay in bed getting lost in imaginary conversations with Hanbin whilst watching the ceiling bounce with morning lights and shapes sneaking out from the top of his blinds. His blissful reverie was interrupted by his phone.

”Hey Wonnie!”

“Oh good, you’re awake. Showered yet?”

“No, still waking up.” He had one hell of a busy day ahead but even though he’d had such a big night he felt energised and ready for it. First was the press conference, then the fan sign at the record store in Hongdae, then the radio interview, then his first inkigayo performance…

“Well hop to it son, I’m coming around in ten to take you to get hair and makeup done.”Bobby laughed at Wonjung’s daggy way of talking.

“Ok see you soon.”

“Oh, by the way Bobby, something has just been added to your schedule.”

“Yeah?” Bobby sighed. Of course his schedule was being shifted around. YG was still awful at promotions, he felt like a puppy being tugged around on a lead by a busy oblivious owner.

“You’re now going to the hip hop festival in Busan tomorrow to perform your new songs, YG wants you to go and take advantage of how well your album is charting. B.I’s already there as you probably know. We’ll fly to Busan just after inkigayo tonight. So pack for that as well.”

 “Awesome.” Bobby smiled. He floated into the shower feeling like luck was finally on his side.  

 

***

 

It was the afternoon of the opening day of the festival and Hanbin was waiting backstage for his first performance. He held his microphone limply in his hand, lost in thought, his face flat and vacant. He was the next artist up but there was no need for him to wait so close to the stage like this. He could have been with the rest of the artists in the waiting room or out in one of the large festival tents reserved for media and performers. But all he wanted was to be alone.

He knew this event was his chance to network, greet old friends, make new ones and set up new collaborations, but he felt overwhelmed by the idea of having to speak to anyone other than Namkyu. He felt low on battery, he didn’t have much to give and what he did have he needed to reserve for his performance.

Even if he’d had the energy he still wouldn’t have had the mental space for interacting with others. How could he focus on anything when Yeongjin was crammed in his skull like a plant trying to burst from it’s now too tiny pot?

The violence of the previous night had left him shaken. He still couldn’t understand how Yeonjin had been so detached from his actions in the moment, but somehow be so controlled and deliberate. His palm still stung from when Yeongjin had slapped it with his phone and he could summon the sound of the glass frame shattering on command.

 

For some reason Hanbin couldn’t get the photo left hanging naked on the wall out of his head, it wasn’t something he’d ever paid much attention to despite having seen it almost every day since moving in with Yeongjin.

It had been taken two years ago by a famous photographer. It was of Yeongjin, although not of all of him, just his right foot sitting on the tail end of his skateboard. But the gripping part of the image was that the skateboard was positioned over the edge of a monstrous skyscraper, hanging aloft. The camera hovered overhead as if mimic Yeongjin’s perspective, making the viewer feel as if any second they themselves just had to lean forward with their full weight and would then be skating down the side of the sixty-storey building, an act of suicidal thrill-seeking.

Hanbin hoped that now it’s frame was shattered it would be taken down and put away by the time he got home. He didn’t want to see it again.

He’d tried not to dwell on Yeongjin’s damaging and loveless childhood ever since he’d been let in on the secret. Yeongjin’s greatest fear was being defined by what he’d survived, not his surviving, and up until now Hanbin had done his very best to honour that. He didn’t want to see Yeongjin as a victim, it was too jarring, and he knew as well that Yeongjin would rather die than have him see him that way.

But Hanbin couldn’t help it, now that he’d been confronted with Yeongjin’s dark side once again. Yeongjin’s face at the peak of his rage haunted him, the way it had turned him into a raw and ugly caricature of himself. He knew that the violence he’d witnessed had to be evidence of one of the many scars from the past Yeongjin had covered up with his tattoos. Maybe most of the time his trauma was hidden, but the lightning speed anger was still permanent part of him, a souvenir from his childhood where far more vicious and difficult scenes had been encountered regularly.

Yeongjin had been stressed, miserable, and under pressure lately, there was no doubt about it. His passion, talent, career and future were all in limbo, possibly never to return. Hanbin remembered clearly how empty and lost he’d felt when the scandal resurfaced over two and half years ago. He’d sat in that meeting room with the YG executive trying to brace himself for the fact he was very likely going to have to leave music forever and start over elsewhere.

At the time he’d wondered despairingly what on earth he would spend his life doing if not music and performing. Become an accountant? Or teacher? Work in a shop? He’d felt like a fish being told to start a new life on land. He’d wanted to give up before he’d even started, he knew anything other than music was going to be suffocating.

He knew Yeongjin was going through something similar now, and if anything it was more intense because of the mysterious, crippling gaps in his education. Yeongjin could barely read and write, something he masked so well it was almost an artform, and he was entirely resistant to learning which ruled out a huge array of careers. And he didn’t have the concentration or temperament for anything that wasn’t fast-paced, physical, and thrill-seeking. But his body was now battered and traumatised, what could it now handle?

When hanbin tried to imagine what else Yeongjin could do with his life he couldn’t think of anything either, once again it was a fish out of water situation. Telling Yeongjin to start over and do something else was like asking him to give up a pound of his own flesh.

He felt a rush of regret for Yeongjn and his situation, and guilty too because now he thought about it he was wondering if he had been wrong not to back up Yeongjin and at least agree with him that song was about him. After all the minute he’d heard Bobby’s first line he’d suspected as much himself. Mybe he should have called Bobby and told him he’d been an asshole. He didn’t stand by Yeongjin, he’d denied his gut instinct and emotions, and he knew he would have been extremely hurt had Yeongjin done the same to him.

The other thing niggling the back of Hanbin’s mind was a sense of shame. He hadn’t been the one who’d thrown the trantrum, who’d hurled a phone at the wall, but in some ways it felt like it. Because he’d chosen Yeongjin he had endorsed his character. Now admitting to anyone that he’d felt genuine fear in that moment with Yeongjin was humiliating, he didn’t want to anyone to think he was daft enough to be with someone who was “violent,” or “crazy.” Most of all he didn’t want anyone rolling there eyes and saying, “I told you so, you rushed into things with him, this is what you get.”

His shame wasn’t located in the present alone either, past shames resurfaced without warning. On the plane to Busan he’d been plagued by a series of bad memories, of things he’d done in anger himself that he now regretted.

Knocking Chanwoo’s hat off his head in frustration.

Yelling at Donghyuk and Yunhyeong when they’d struggled with a difficult move and dropped him.

The scolding he’d given Hongseok

He wondered if for a second any of them had felt the way he had with Yeongjin last night. Completely utterly at the mercy of his anger…

Hanbin’s microphone suddenly dropped from his loose hand and hit the floor. He swore and snatched it up. It wasn’t on thank god, but it took several minutes for his heart to stop thudding. His thoughts returned once again to that smashed photograph on the wall and for some reason another memory from the past surfaced, one he hadn’t thought about for a very long time.

 

***

 

It was five months before their breakup that the Song Incident occurred.

When the boys had asked Hanbin if he was disappointed by the reception of the New Kids Comeback he’d insisted he wasn’t.

“We wrote the music we wanted to perform and enjoy, our fans liked it, that’s all that matters.”

Knowing it was useless to contradict him Bobby and the boys had left it at that, but they all knew nothing was ever that simple for Hanbin.

Bobby knew Hanbin no longer expected to write hits every time he sat down in his studio, but he was convinced that deep down Hanbin was still hoping, each and every time, that this time would be it.  

Bobby believed Hanbin was still waiting for confirmation in himself, and from everyone else in the entire world it seemed, that he could write a song that would break the charts and records.

Bobby had been wanting Hanbin to let go of his need to prove himself and be the best for years, the way he had himself. But as soon as he thought Hanbin was getting close to achieving that, he went two steps backwards. Hanbin preached the virtues of letting go whilst grasping onto his need for approval with white-knuckled hands. He accepted compliments and felt their warm glow for a day if he was lucky, then quickly pulled the shades down and shut them out.

Bobby wondered why Hanbin was like this often, so stubbornly self-doubting, he couldn’t relate to it.

“Why?” Jinhwan replied when Bobby asked him one day. “I dunno…” Jinhwan shrugged, “I think he’s afraid of disappointment. He doesn’t want to build himself up in case he lets people down.”

“Down about what though? Is this all about wanting to be the best or something? Because that’s so dumb.” Jinhwan snorted.

“Yeah, you can say that, having already been the best at something at the age of eighteen.” Jinhwan scorned. That shut Bobby up.

Whatever the reason was, Hanbin had barely rested after the comeback, instead locking himself inside his studio to prepare for the next one like it was just around the corner instead of six months away.  

“You’re stressed,” Bobby informed Hanbin one summer afternoon visit to his studio, placing a hand on the nape of his slender, firm neck.

“How’d you work that out?” Hanbin replied sourly. Bobby flinched. It wasn’t an attack on him, but Hanbin was in one of those moods he hated, the pessimistic moods where everything was open for criticism, nothing went right, and there was no point trying to change anything.

“I’ve barely seen you for the last few weeks. The boys have barely seen you. Your Mum is asking me how you are and I don’t know what to tell her…”

“Tell them I’m working.”

“I did.” There was a long pause in which Bobby did his best to be patient and wait for Hanbin to soften.

“Did you want something…?” was Hanbin’s detached reply. Bobby sighed.  

“I want you not to be so stressed all the time. I want you to take a break, relax, have fun with us. The summer is flying by and you’re barely outside. You look like a vampire, look at your skin!” Bobby lifted up Hanbin’s wrist so they could both look at the blue white flesh of his forearm. Hanbin smiled and tugged his arm back down.

“And if I don’t write this song that YG wants by the end of the week who will? Jinhwan? Dong? June? You?”

“Sure. Lemme do it.”

Hanbin looked at Bobby in surprise. It wasn’t that he doubted Bobby’s writing, Bobby had been writing his own verses for years and they were always awesome, Hanbin fell in love with him all over again. Bobby had also made awesome contributions to verses when Hanbin just couldn’t make things fit, he had a way of finding the right word, simple but brilliant.

But Hanbin knew that Bobby struggled to write a song that suited all the boys and their talents, he found it frustrating and limiting. Hanbin understood why, it was the biggest reason why he ended up working on a single song for so long, he needed to make a part for each member that fit them like a glove.  

Bobby often thought he’d made a glove and whipped it out excitedly only to discover it had no thumb, and someone like June or Chanwoo was left out in the cold. Or it turned out it was a glove with the fingers in all the wrong spots.

Hanbin was also surprised Bobby was willing to take on the responsibility of writing the song. Bobby had never dreamt of being a leader and wasn’t going to anytime soon. He’d watched Hanbin struggle to coordinate people and deal with the stress over the years, it had turned him off responsibility that for life.

“But you hate…”

“Being in charge, yeah I know. But give me a go. Give me two days. Rest, see your Mum and sis, eat out with the boys. Maybe we’ll even spend the night together tomorrow night, you and me, who knows? Miracles can happen right?”

Hanbin smiled at him tightly and Bobby could feel the perfectionistic demon within Hanbin struggling to relinquish it’s vice-like grip over the task.

“Come on, let me help you. You say you’re so stressed and tired all the time, and I’m offering to help. Trust me on this one, give me the responsibility.”

“Well…” Hanbin stood up feeling light with a combination of relief and anxiety. He was relieved he could go home and sleep, but he was scared he was making a mistake. But surely Bobby could do it if he really wanted to, if he didn’t give up and saw it through to the end. He wanted to trust him, he so badly wanted to sleep…

“Ok then, but YG wants a ballad, something to balance out the upbeat pop and rnb songs we’ve got already. He suggested a “darker, more mature version of Apology,” so keep the tempo slow, verses sensitive and regretful, make sure you give the boys the right sections for their voices. Jinhwan for the high note ad libs and don’t forget to give him the first verse because he hates coming anything but first. Work up to the chorus with Donghyuk for second verse, June for the sustained notes, divide the bridge between Chanwoo and Yun – Chanwoo does build up, Yun does high note –“

“-Ok, ok!” Bobby laughed, giving Hanbin a small push towards the door who smiled back, realising how pedantic he was sounding. “I got it, I know this stuff. Slow, emotional song…got it. Go home, rest. Come back in two days ok? I’ll probably still be there.”

“Here, I’ll show you something first,” Hanbin took him by the arm and led him to a dusty disused filing cabinet in the corner of the room Bobby hadn’t noticed till now. Hanbin slid open the bottom drawer with a rusty screech, revealing an array of snacks and treats.

“Help yourself,” Hanbin told Bobby who cooed in happiness.

“This is where you keep your stash!”

“Ok, I’ll go. I feel like I could start hallucinating any second.” Hanbin headed towards the door but stopped when Bobby made a sharp noise with the back of his throat to catch his attention

“Seriously?” Bobby feigned hurt, walking over and pointedly kissed Hanbin firmly on the lips.

“Oh, sorry,” Hanbin grinned.

“Why do you always forget to kiss me goodbye?”

“Because we never mean goodbye? I’m always going to see you again in a few hours?” Hanbin shrugged. Bobby snorted. And people said Hanbin was the romantic one.  

“Go get some rest.”

“Good luck,” Hanbin said from the door, pausing to look back at Bobby before he passed through.  “And thank you, really.”

Bobby rubbed his hands together, slipped on the headphones and listened to what Hanbin had done so far. He laughed out loud at what he heard. Hanbin had turned the mic on only to confess in a sing-song voice he was out of ideas.

_“I don’t know what to write about, I’ve got nothing to say…nah-nah-nah……..nahhh”_

The fact his whiney singing was set over a sombre set of piano chords made it even funnier. He decided he would start over again from scratch and felt himself fall into creative mode easily. The truth was he’d been feeling like song writing all day, hence why he’d stopped by to take over from overtired hanbin.

Bobby and Hanbin had very different ways of being creative. Bobby felt like he was often in a creative state, albeit never for very long. Words, rhythms, verses came to him all the time, but they quickly vanished unless he immediately jumped up to his desk and recorded it. Most of his songs didn’t take that long to write either, it was like surfing, creative spurts that came in short but exciting waves. An idea would appear like an oncoming wave and he’d ride it as far as he could until it fizzled out. Satisfied and unfazed, he’d wade back out to the depths and wait for the next wave, never worried by how long it took, they came around often enough. Heck, it was the ocean out there was always going to be another wave.

Hanbin however had a far more intense, laborious work process. To work he needed to get in the right headspace, and that headspace was an all immserive, all consuming place far from distraction, and day to day concerns, a place he could be with just his own mind and inner most thoughts. Hanbin sailed out alone in the sea, ignored the conditions no matter how rough they were, and threw down the anchor, holding onto it tight while it dragged him down to the bottom of the ocean, and stayed down searching for as long as his energy and oxygen allowed. Hopefully by the time he broke for air he’d find something precious on the lonely seabed. When he did it was confirmation that his deep sea diving technique was the right process for him. When he didn’t it meant he hadn’t stayed down there long enough.

For the first hour Bobby tried his very hardest to write a ballad, he knew he could do it, it was in there somewhere….but after a while he realised it just wasn’t going to come out today. And as he always did because he was a surfer and it always worked for him, he decided to take the easier, more natural route, and catch the next wave instead.

He worked on the song excitedly, digging into Hanbin’s snacks when hunger badgered him so he didn’t have to leave. He knew he’d have it done by tomorrow afternoon, and he was right.

He returned to the dorms the next day exhausted, mentally fried but very happy. He’d originally planned to stay there so he could play it for Hanbin himself because he was so proud of it and knew he would love it, but he was just too spent.

Entering the dorms he stopped by Hanbin’s room and knocked. There was a pause then a muffled sound. Hanbin had been asleep and sat up with heavy eyes and hair fluffed up like dodo’s.

“It’s done,” Bobby sighed happily, sitting down on the side of Hanbin’s bed.

“Already? So fast,” Hanbin was awestruck. He’d always envied the sharp bursts of energy and creativity Jiwon was blessed by. He was so lazy but could be so productive when he wanted to.

“All good, check it out when you’re ready…saved it in the normal place, you know where to find it, right?”

Bobby crawled over the bed and begun shuffling out some space next to Hanbin. Hanbin grinned and pulled the sheets over both of them. He’d doze for a bit longer, maybe an hour or so, or just till Jiwon fell asleep, then he’d head over the listen to the song.

When Bobby woke up Hanbin was gone, he wasn’t sure when he’d left either. He checked his phone and no message from Hanbin or call. Maybe he’d only headed out not long ago, perhaps he was still on his way to the studio.

Bobby went upstairs and had a shower, got dressed in some fresh clothes to join Hanbin. On his way out he bumped into Yun and June who had just come back from a trip to the local supermarket.

“Did you see Hanbin on the way to the studio?”

“No, he left a while ago, a few hours, right?” Yun turned to June for confirmation. June nodded, sipping the straw of his slushie.

Bobby was quietly disconcerted because Hanbin hadn’t texted him but had obviously listened to the song hours ago now. He pushed aside his apprehension and made his way quickly down the street through the warm summer evening.

“Hey,” He announced his presence as he entered the studio room. “How’s it going?”

Hanbin heard him come in for sure, he didn’t have headphones on, they were sitting on the desk next to him abandoned. But he didn’t turn around or reply. One of Hanbin’s hands sat on his mouse firmly, holding it like a weapon, his other hand was helping prop up his chin, his fingers splayed over his mouth as if to silence himself.

Standing behind Hanbin Bobby looked at the screen. The song Hanbin was working on wasn’t his. His stomach dropped swiftly, he knew what this meant. Hanbin didn’t like his song.

“Did you listen to my song?” Bobby asked. Hanbin nodded.

“Are we going to use it?” Hanbin shook his head.

“Why not?” Bobby challenged, hurt beginning to build fast. It was a good song, there was no denying it. He needed an explanation from Hanbin and it needed to be a good one.

“It wasn’t a ballad. It was a pop song.” Hanbin replied, finally revealing some emotion: barely contained irritation.

“Yeah…it wasn’t. But does it matter that much? Let’s just take it to YG and see what he says. If it’s a good song he won’t give a fuck it’s not a ballad.”

“That’s not how this work,” Hanbin replied in a sharp, final tone. “He asked me _specifically_ for a ballad. The first thing he’s going to say when he hears it is ‘I thought I asked you to write a ballad.’”

There was a drawn out frustrated silence in which Bobby could have sworn he could hear Hanbin’s thoughts word for word.

_I should have just done it myself….why offer help if you’re just going to make my life harder…now I’ve got even less time than before….fuck…I’m going to be up all night and I’m already still so tired….how am I going to get it done….but I can’t show up tomorrow empty handed….thanks a lot Jiwon…_

“So, what now?” Bobby demanded, infuriated by Hanbin’s stubbornness, guilty but not sure he needed to be, and hurt by the lack of recognition of his hard work. There was no “thank you.” Not even a “it was good, but…” Nothing.

“I guess I’ll have to try and write another song by tomorrow.”

“Come on, open it up again,” Bobby insisted now feeling stubborn himself, “let’s work on it more, you can change whatever you like, maybe we can slow it down or something.”

“We can’t.” Hanbin replied coolly.

“What do you mean? We’ve got plenty of time, your meeting with YG isn’t till tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, we can’t. We actually can’t.”

Bobby stared down at Hanbin until he finally glanced up at him with pink cheeks.

Hanbin had arrived at the studio filled with relief and the rare, relaxed kind of joy he felt when he’d been saved by the bell. He’d eagerly sat down to listen to Bobby’s track but within seconds his enthusiasm had turned to confusion, then despair, then anxiety, and finally anger and betrayal. It was a tropical house pop song, the furthest thing possible from a “darker, more mature Apology.”

In a fit of truly ugly resentment Hanbin had deleted the entirety of Bobby’s work with ten impulsive clicks. Seeing each file disappear hadn’t been enough to satisfy his rage, he’d gone and emptied out the recycling bin too, ensuring the remains of Bobby’s betrayal were gone for good.

The whole process had taken him about twelve seconds. It only took him another thirty seconds to realise the seriousness of what he’d done.

“You deleted it. Everything?” Bobby asked in a voice so shocked and insulted Hanbin felt his stomach crawl. But his own anger returned quickly, like something fired from a slingshot.

_You wanted to help me, but you didn’t! You’ve just made this even more stressful?? Why couldn’t you just do what I asked??_

“Yep.” Hanbin replied, staring fiercely at the computer screen in front of him. Not daring to look at Bobby who he knew was close to exploding.

“Fuck you,” Bobby stormed halfway to the door before pausing, paralysed on the spot consumed with hurt, then returning to Hanbin’s side to confront him.

“Listen to me,” he said in a voice that left Hanbin no choice but to look up and face him, a finger raised warningly in the air, “I love you…but don’t you _ever_ fucking delete my work without my permission again. _Ever_.”

Then Bobby stormed out of the studio for real.

It took a while for Hanbin’s anger to burn out, around another hour and a half, a time he spent fiddling around on the computer barely achieving anything except reliving the horrible scene that had just unfolded with Bobby. Feeling useless, guilty and ashamed he tried once again to see if there was anything he could do to recover Bobby’s deleted work…of course there was nothing he could do.

_Dick move Hanbin…dick move….why did you let your anger get the best of you like that? You’ve really upset him now…_

Hanbin began to think of how he was going to patch things up with Bobby, really he needed to leave and go straight home and apologise… but he looked at the clock, time was ticking away and he had nothing now, he was back to square one.

Thank god Bobby is so forgiving, Hanbin reassured himself. He knew that no matter what they’d make up, it was what they always did.

 

***

 

The artist before Hanbin was finally wrapping up, he was going to be onstage himself any second. Hanbin shook himself all over, stretched his neck from side to side, forcing himself out of his head and into performance mode.

Who was he to judge Yeongjin for his anger issues? For being impulsive and destructive under pressure? Shaking off the last of the shame and remorse the painful memory had brought up, Hanbin decided it most definitely was not him, and walked out onto the stage.

 

***

 

Within half an hour of arriving at the festival Bobby had already run into eleven people he knew, had had one five-minute interview and greeted plenty of fans. He was amazed that they already knew all the words of his title song and that they’d tracked him to the festival even though he’d only been added to the line-up at such short notice. It was an amazing feeling being asked by the interviewers how he felt about the successful start of his debut and the other artists he ran into congratulated him, many of them had already listened to his album. It still never failed to blow his mind when senior rappers and artists confessed to being his fan.

Now he was in one of the main festival tents reserved for artists waiting for his call to hair and makeup. He sat down one of the couches and watched the replay of the performances of the previous day at the festival on a giant screen, fifteen acts all up.

When Hanbin’s set came on he watched feeling warm in the face. He couldn’t wait to run into Hanbin in person, it would happen soon enough he just had to be patient. As he watched Hanbin perform something came tot his attention. Something was off.

Over the years he’d performed with Hanbin thousand of times. He’d also performed with Hanbin in a thousand different moods: angry Hanbin, sad Hanbin, anxious Hanbin, elated Hanbin, madly in love Hanbin, confused Hanbin. He could tell in half a second that Hanbin wasn’t himself, something was on his mind.

He could see it in the way he performed his sad, angry songs easier than his happy songs, the way he let the music take the lead in the upbeat ones. The way he went for serious, fierce facial expressions than sweet, cheeky ones,  the way he left the stage politely but with as little fuss as possible, as if he didn’t want to the crowd to know but he needed to disappear back into his own little world before he perished.

The performance he was watching was neither Hanbin’s best nor his worst. There was nothing unprofessional about it, nor was totally lacking in charisma. But Bobby wanted to talk to Hanbin even more now.

 

***

 

 

“You ready for the interview?” Namkyu asked Hanbin chirpily as they sat outside one of the Festivals small conference rooms where the cameras and lights were being set up by the magazine’s team. Hanbin nodded in a way that told Namkyu he hadn’t even heard the question properly.

Hanbin had been distracted and out of sorts from the moment Namkyu had first picked him up and taken him to the airport. He had that glazed, melancholy look in his eyes and gave vague, troubling answers when asked questions.

“You hungry?”

“Not really, my stomach can only handle tea and rice today.”

“You tired?”

“I barely slept last night, but no, I don’t feel tired.”

Now they were at the festival it finally clicked for Namkyu. There was something about Hanbin’s mood that reminded him of how he’d been when they’d first started working together: withdrawn, hesitant, nervous, cynical and pessimistic. He hadn’t seen this Hanbin for a long time, not since the end of _Fast Forward_. It was worrying and if it didn’t pass by the end of the day Namkyu promised himself he would speak to Hanbin about it.

Namkyu suspected Hanbin’s regression had to do with Yeongjin, it had to be. There was nothing else going on in Hanbin’s life if he was honest about it. Also, he’d noticed a distance between them lately, a formalness in the way they spoke to each other, the way they’d been spending less time together, something forced in the way Hanbin responded to Yeongjin’s touch..

“Ok, so some prep, they’re going to ask about what artists you’ve enjoyed seeing perform, who you’re looking out for tomorrow, when you’re next releasing music, and of course, what you think of Bobby’s album. By the way Bobby just arrived at here at the festival half an hour ago, so they’re definitely going to want to spend some time on this subject…”

Hanbin’s stomach dropped. He’d had no idea Bobby was going to be here.

“…They’re going to want to know your favourite song on _Love and Fall_ , your overall opinion, how it fits in with Bobby’s personality, all that jazz…you don’t need to rave if you don’t feel like it, just be professional and supportive, that’s all YG expects of its family members.”

“Right,” Hanbin replied tonelessly, as he yielded without a fight to the panic engulfing him. Yeongjin watched all his televised interviews especially because he couldn’t read any articles or written interviews. How the hell was he going to react to him speaking positively about Bobby’s album after what had just happened?

…but he had to speak positively about the album, he couldn’t put down Bobby professionally, no way…

His mind raced as he tried to work out he was going to say. What was going to upset Yeongjin? What wasn’t going to upset Yeongjin? What if he got home and Yeongjin was furious again because he had said something wrong? Been too complimentary to the artist who’d insulted his boyfriend? What if he got home and Yeongjin wanted to know why he’d seen him hanging out with Bobby on tv? What if Yeongjin got angry again? What if he yelled and insulted him. What if he threw something again, or worse?

Something inside Hanbin snapped and said _no more_. His anxiety had reached breaking point, he wanted out.

“Nam….” Namkyu felt Hanbin place a cold hand on his arm and looked up from his tablet.

“What’s wrong?” He asked in surprise. Hanbin looked like he’d suddenly come down with a fever. His pupils darted around, he looked cold and sweaty at the same time. His breathing was shallow and laboured. He was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Nam...” Hanbin whispered, “I can’t do it.”

“Do what, the interview? Why? What’s wrong?” Hanbin stared at Namkyu with his mouth parted, trying to say the words and hold them back at the same time.

“Nam, I think Yeongjin and I need to take a break,” he blurted. Namkyu looked at his client’s wide eyes, wondering if he’d misheard him. No, Hanbin was serious.

“Come with me, let’s talk.” Namkyu quickly led Hanbin back inside the main building of the stadium and into a deserted corridor where they could speak more openly.

“Do you want to break up with Yeongjin?”

Hanbin winced at the words, Namkyu could see him struggling to fully own them, he didn’t want to admit it.

“I don’t know!” Hanbin groaned. “I don’t know what I’m feeling, I’m so _confused_ …”

“Hey, hey, chill…it’s ok, we’ll work it out. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I think I need some time to myself…I need some time to think things over on my own, but I don’t know what to do because he really needs me right now. He’s going to freak out so bad…”

“Did something happen? Why have you decided this now?”

 “I…I just feel _differently_ about him…I can’t explain it. Ever since what happened with Bobby and the footage…I’ve just felt differently. I thought it would go away, that I’d go back to normal, that my feelings for him would come back…but they’re not coming back and I don’t know what to do!”

There was no way Hanbin was going to tell Namkyu about Yeongjin’s tantrum and the smashed phone.

Hanbin was so distressed Namkyu took him by the shoulders to steady him.

“Hanbin, your feelings are allowed to change. This is normal. That’s what feelings do, they change. Not all relationships work out.”

“No. This isn’t good. This is terrible. This isn’t ok.” Hanbin shook his head and sank his hands into his hair.

“Taking a break is a good idea to me…it sounds like you need time to figure out whether Yeongjin is the right person for you, and it’s really important you do that for yourself without him influencing your decision. You’re going to be ok Bin! Look, I’ll go cancel the interview and you can take the afternoon off, you need some time out.”

“I need to go home, I need to tell him,” Hanbin was consumed by the need to get it over and done with. He was already planning what he’d do after, he’d stay with one of the boys, he knew they wouldn’t mind.

“You want to leave?” Namkyu confirmed, again surprised. Hanbin never left anything on his schedule early, not even when he was exhausted. He realised how serious Hanbin was about this. “Ok, we’ll say you’re sick, wait for me here.”

“Yes, please.” Hanbin gushed. “I’m sorry, Nam.” He felt like a complete failure, he’d never been unprofessional like this before.

“Don’t apologise, you need to de-stress before you can work properly.”

The interviewers weren’t pleased it was being called off at such short notice, but Namkyu was buzzing with joy. Although Namkyu would have loved Hanbin to cut to the chase and just break up with Yeongjin, he saw Hanbin craving distance from Yeongjin as a huge step in the right direction.

There was no doubt in Namkyu’s mind that if Hanbin spent long enough away from Yeongjin with the right people who loved him, he wouldn’t end up returning to Yeongjin at all. And then thankfully, Hanbin would be out of what Namkyu considered to be their increasingly intense, troubled love story for good.

Ever since the footage with Bobby had been leaked Namkyu had been more guarded with Yeongjin than ever. It was finally at that point that he’d decided, that no, Yeongjin wasn’t a good match for Hanbin, and that he really began intensely hoping they would break up. But course he’d kept that to himself, it wasn’t for him to decide who his clients dated.

He knew that breaking up with Yeongjin was gong to hurt Hanbin terribly, and he dreaded that, but in his mind that hurt was a far better alternative than getting dragged any further into the drama of someone who attracted so much chaos. He didn’t trust Yeongjin anymore, not a word he said, not a thing he did.

“Come on, Bin,” Namkyu returned to Hanbin and put an arm protectively him around his shoulders. “let’s head to the waiting room and get the rest of your stuff. I’ll make a few calls and get us the first flights back to Seoul possible.”

“Thank you,” Hanbin sighed, allowing Namkyu to walk him in the right direction.

 

***

 

When Hanbin entered the marquee tent he didn’t notice Bobby at the other end, his eyes were fixed on the couch where he’d left his belongings. He wanted to grab his things and go, he couldn’t be here a moment longer. He texted Teddy quickly because he hadn’t received any communication from Yeongjin, most likely he hadn’t replaced his phone yet.

_“Can you let him know I’m coming back early? I’ll be home late tonight.”_

He waited to see if Teddy would reply, he was unpredictable. Sometimes he answered immediately, other times he never replied at all. Today he was in a prompt mood.

_“I’ll let him know. He’s been a mess.”_

“Hey.”

 With a jump Hanbin looked up. There he was, Bobby, looking down at him curiously. Hanbin wasn’t over his panic, he was feeling more paranoid than ever. He quickly scanned the tent for cameras or people they knew, something Bobby noticed. He got the feeling Hanbin wasn’t too happy to be speaking with him and his heart sank.

“Hi,” Hanbin said straightening up, feeling like he was being watched even though he wasn’t.

“how’s it going?” Bobby asked.

“Fine, fine,” Hanbin muttered without looking at him directly, “How are you?”

“Good…” There was an awkward silence and Hanbin began fiddling with his jacket, Bobby watched his fingers pulling the material caught in between the zipper. “I just wanted to say thanks for your text the other night, it meant a lot.”

“My text…” Hanbin looked up in surprise. He couldn’t recall sending Bobby a text and that sent a bolt of fear through his body.

“Yeah…you said you liked the album…?” Bobby’s heart and stomach sank together even further. He tried not to let embarrassment get the best of him and held his head high.

“Did I?” Hanbin frowned, “…oh, right, I did,” Hanbin shook his head suddenly remembering texting Bobby in the taxi on the ride home. The fight with Yeongjin had left him with amnesia. He made a mental note to delete the message he sent to Bobby before he got home.

“I’m glad you liked it.” Bobby continued feeling reassured. “That you liked the songs….” There was a long silence as Hanbin began throwing things into a bag. Bobby stood with his arms crossed awkwardly. He tried to fight off his disappointment as Hanbin remained indifferent and distracted.

“Question,” Hanbin begun, stuffing his jacket into his bag, “Can I ask what one of your songs was about?”

Bobby’s heart skipped a beat.

“Sure,” he said in a voice far less confident than he felt. Which song was it going to be? Was Hanbin going to ask if one of the songs was about him, or them? His heart thundered clumsily in his chest.

“Was one of those songs about Yeongjin? The one with Mino…” Bobby froze up. He wasn’t sure why he was so surprised, if the song was going to be a dead give-away for anyone it would be Hanbin.

Well, he wasn’t going to lie, so he braced himself for a scolding.

“UP? It was inspired by him, sure…,” Bobby admitted dryly. Hanbin nodded knowingly.

“Can I please ask you something? Can you not do that again, because when you and Yeongjin get angry with each other, he also gets angry with me.”

Bobby’s stomach disappeared.  Hanbin wasn’t scolding him, begging him, or threatening him. He was asking him in the same tired, functional, polite voice he’d always used to ask Bobby call the boys back into the practice room after their break. Bobby didn’t know what to say, he had a million questions.

“Namkyu’s waiting for me, see you,” Hanbin stood up and grabbed his bag. He nodded at Bobby in farewell making sure to keep plenty of space between them as he passed. Last thing he needed was footage of them being close or touching.

“You’re performing again this afternoon, right?” Bobby asked, not sure why he was doing so.

“Enjoy the festival,” Hanbin said without looking at him, and swiftly left the marquee.

Bobby sat down, feeling completely deflated. Hanbin’s text had obviously been a courteous formality, nothing more. He didn’t want to talk about the love songs, in fact Hanbin had never looked more uncomfortable to be near him than he did just now. Maybe the love songs had made him feel awkward, embarrassed for him?

And UP. What had he been expecting? Hanbin to slap him on the back and congratulate him for dedicating the one nasty song on his album to Yeongjin??

_Idiot. You’re an idiot Bobby._

“There you are!” Wonjung strolled over to Bobby quickly.  “I’ve been looking all over for you! You need to get your hair and makeup done, come on, quick.”

Following behind Wonjung Bobby was in one sad, depressed mood now and he realised he needed to get out of it quick, he was going to be onstage in less than forty minutes. As soon as his hair and makeup was done he ducked into an empty corridor to make a call.

 “Jee?”

“Jiwon? what’s going on?” As soon as Minjee had got the call she’d darted from her desk to find privacy. She was in the ladies bathrooms at work, sitting on a toilet with the lid down, trying to speak softly.

“I’m at a festival, I’m performing in about ten minutes, maybe less….”

“Ok…and?” Minjee pressed. She could hear a lump in Bobby’s throat, making his voice sound strangled.

“Well…I’m kinda having a freak out…have you listened to my album yet?” Bobby asked.

“Well, not exactly, as in, no, not yet…” Minjee admitted slowly.

“What?!”

“I know, I’m sorry, I haven’t had time to buy the album yet, don’t attack me!”

“Just go on Youtube, what the hell…?”

“No! I want to buy the album and sit down and listen to it properly!”

The truth was Minjee was more than reluctant to listen to Bobby’s album, for the same reason she’d avoided watching WIN and MIX AND MATCH. She’d barely surived watching SMTM. She didn’t want to be reminded of Bobby’s stardom, of the fact that he had millions of fans, that he was of a world so glamorous, intimidating and different from hers. It would ruin the bubble they lived in when they were together in her apartment, the illusion that they were just two young people trying to survive in Seoul, that it was entirely possible they could be a couple. That he belonged to her, and she to him, and they were all they needed. Bobby didn’t need fame, didn’t need his fans, didn’t need a reputation, he didn’t need anything except a life with her.

“Fine, fine…but hurry up ok, there’s a song on there I really want you to listen to, it’s important.”

“Well, ok then…” Minjee felt her heart flutter. She was curious now, and terrified. “But what’s wrong?” she continued, changing the subject before he could harangue her any further.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but all of a sudden all my songs…they feel _so_ personal to me, like, I’m not sure I want to share them?? I know, this probably sounds really stupid, like why else do I do music, to share it obviously, but I can’t explain I just suddenly feel so…ugh!” Bobby groaned feeling genuinely lost. He’d never felt this way before. How was it possible that such a short, simple conversation with Hanbin could turn the pride he felt in his album into gut-churning guilt??

“No...it doesn’t sound weird...”

“It’s just the songs are about real people, real people in my life, people I really care about, who I have a lot of bad shit going on with, who I’ve pissed off, who I’m in love with but can’t tell them….”

Minjee was listening so carefully she’d been holding her breath. Her heart was throbbing excitedly.

“Well, honestly, I’m not sure what you can do because you have to perform, you can’t just cancel, all your fans will be so disappointed...just get up there and try and dissociate?? Pretend the songs aren’t yours??”

“Argh, but that takes a lot of…confidence and freedom…I dunno if I have it in me today…” Bobby closed his eyes and leant back against the wall, willing it to magically replace with a bed he could sink himself into.

“YOU DO JIWON!” Minjee’s voice suddenly barked through the phone startling him. She had an idea of what was going on. It sounded like Jiwon was having a moment of self-doubt, strange for him but not entirely impossible. She knew he had insecurities like everyone, and she was touched he’d thought to call her of all people to work through them. “Come on, don’t put yourself down, you’re amazing, you can do this! You’re charismatic, and exciting, and sweet, and strong…and sexy…and…clever, and…”

Bobby listened through the phone smiling bashfully at Minjee’s earnest attempt to boost his confidence.

“…and you’re a good person, ok. That’s the most important thing.”

“Well…I dunno about that-“

“JESUS! YOU TRY TO BE GOOD, OK?!”

“Ok, ok!” Bobby chuckled.

“So go, perform, be proud of your songs, don’t be self-conscious, don’t be afraid to tell your story! This is your life, make the most of it, be brave!”

“Thanks...”

“Bye, have fun.”

“I’ll see you when I get back to Seoul ok?” Bobby urged ignoring Wonjung who was now gesturing to him violently to head towards stage.

“Ok, see you then.”

 “Sorry Wonnie,” Bobby slapped his frazzled manager on the back as he passed him and made his way to his performance.

_Be proud of your songs, don’t be self-conscious, don’t be afraid to tell your story!_

After ten repetitions of Jee’s words he began to feel he was going to be ok. He was going to ace his performance just as he had at the launch and on Inkigayo. Hanbin’s reaction was disappointing, and there was definitely something up with him, but Bobby realised he couldn’t let this flatten him.

As soon as he heard the first beats of _Tendae_ welcome him onto the stage he slipped back into his comforting, reassuring love for music.

 

 

***

 

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Namkyu asked Hanbin.

They had just pulled up outside Yeongjn’s house. Hanbin hadn’t changed his mind, he still wanted to Yeongjin and himself to take a break. He was set on it.

Hanbin shook his head. Even though he was so nervous he felt he could throw up he knew this was something he had to do himself. Bringing in Namkyu would be insultingly cowardly to himself and Yeongjn, his pride wouldn’t allow it.

“I’ll drive you up,” Namkyu insisted, starting the car.

“No, don’t. I’ll walk.” Hanbin needed the long winding walk of the driveway to clear his head, to locate himself back in his body. He felt as though his anxiety could completely dissolve him, it was like a toxic acid building up in his body reaching critical levels. He looked down at his hands, they were trembling.

Namkyu stopped the car and gave Hanbin an encouraging look.

“You can do this Hanbin. Be strong, ask for what you need. If you need time away to yourself, to think things over, work out how you feel about him, then take it. If he loves you he’ll understand and respect that.” Hanbin nodded then stopped abruptly, the motion made him feel sick.

“I’ll let you know how it goes, ok?” Hanbin’s lips felt numb.

“Please do. Go on, I believe in you.” Namkyu smiled and gave his stiff, shivery client a pat on the back of the head. In this moment Hanbin truly felt to Namkyu like his young son. He wanted to teach Hanbin how to live his own life, but also desperately wanted to step in and do it for him.  

As he walked up the driveway Hanbin’s stomach jolted aggressively, each wave of nausea urging him to turn back. It was as if every safety feature of his survival mode had been activated and was doing it’s best to convince him “it’s not too late to save yourself!”

His mind raced with a variety of scenes that could potentially unfold.

_Furious and insulted Yeongjin stood over him in the kitchen, his face ugly and contorted with rage again._

_“You want a break?! You have a fucking nerve! You promised me! You promised you weren’t going to leave me! You promised me you wouldn’t be like Bobby!”_

_“I don’t know what’s going on, I just need time to myself…that’s all,” he replied, tears running down his face._

_“You’re a fucking hypocrite, that’s what you are! Fuck you and your sob story about being abandoned when you needed him most! Fuck you Hanbin!”_

It had been a shock and brutally hard to accept, but Hanbin realised that for the last forty-right hours away from Yeongjin he’d felt free for the first time since they returned to Seoul. The last few months had been claustrophobic, grim, unpredictable and exhausting, an ordeal he kept waiting to see if it would pass..but it wasn’t passing.

He realised that now when he looked at Yeongjin he saw less and less of the person he’d first met at the club, and more of someone new, someone who was volatile, damaged, and destructive, and simultaneously someone he felt bitterly sorry for and didn’t have the least idea help.

He walked through the huge garage that stretched out under the house like an underground lake. There was Yeongjin’s Orange Lamborghini, there was his matte charchoal grey Porsche, there was Hanbin’s own humble black sedan, a vehicle he’d bought because his mum said it was “safe” and because he wanted to blend in.

The rest of the garage was dark, concrete empty space.

He unlocked the door and entered the house, knowing if Yeongjin was in the loungeroom he would have heard him already.

As he began down the corridor to the kitchen his stomach spasmed and he quickly swung into the bathroom on the way and retched into the sink, not making it to the toilet.

But there was nothing in his body to reject. He hadn’t eaten all day, barely drunk. He looked up at his sickly face in the mirror with disdain.

_Get it together you coward, do it, just do it._

Yeongjin came down the stairs just as he entered the spacious loungeroom. Evening was just starting to fall and the room was full of gold light just turning blue. His chest filled with dread, it was happening.

“Hey, welcome home.” Yeongjin smiled shyly, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, keeping at a safe distance. Hanbin was relieved he hadn’t gone in for a kiss.

“Hey,” Hanbin replied, amazed his voice wasn’t quivering. An awkward yet intimate silence swelled around them as they tried to read each other. Yeongjin was guilty, Hanbin could tell, he was trying to be as gentle, soft and approachable as possible. He wondered if Yeongjin had any idea what he was about to do.

“How was the festival? Yeongjin smiled, “I watched your first performance, you were terrific.” Hanbin blanched.

_I knew it, I knew you’d be watching…I was right to be wary, to leave when I did…_

“It was fine but…”

“But you’re home early?” Yeongjn grinned. Hanbin panicked. As always Yeongjin was leading the way with his mood. He was trying to ease the tension, smooth things over with a laugh. He needed to say something now, before Yeongjin thought everything was ok.

 “I..I-we need to talk,” Hanbun gushed breathlessly.

“Oh?” Yeongjin smiled. “Sounds important…if it good news or bad news?”

When Hanbin didn’t reply Yeonjin continued on chirpily.

“Must be bad news from the look of it. How about you go first then, because I have _good_ news and we both like finishing on a positive note.”

Yeongjin walked over to the wall length windows and leant against them, the way he did because Hnabin knew he loved the feeling of the warm glass against his back. He looked at Hanbin expectantly, gently, encouraging him to go on. Hanbin felt burned by his charm, his ability to be so seductive when he wanted to.

_Why couldn’t you be an asshole right now?? This would be so much easier!!_

Hanbin looked down at his hands, up at Yeongjin, at his hands again.

“I’ve been thinking and…I think…we should take a break.”

Yeongjin didn’t wince, he didn’t double take, he didn’t look surprised. He nodded and there was no anger in the way he turned and faced out the window. But this wasn’t a relief to Hanbin, he’d only mentally prepared for Yeongjin’s anger. He didn’t know how to respond to this, it was like trying to grab a fistful of water and toss it.  

“I just need some time to myself…I have some things I need to think about…” Hanbin trailed off not sure what else to say. His heart was hurting, the guilt was shocking.

Yeongjin stared out the window for a long time, so long Hanbin began to get worried. When he finally turned around there were silent tears sliding down his blank, emotionless face. Hanbin’s blood turned to ice, he hadn’t expected tears, only rage.

“I know. I understand,” Yeongjin nodded.

“You do?” Hanbin whispered, physically unable to raise his voice any louder. Yeongjin nodded and gave him the saddest smile he’d ever seen.

 “I know your feelings have changed towards me, I know. You don’t have to say anything, I can feel it.”

At that, the truth of the situation permeated the whole room, like a rain suddenly let down from the sky it soaked both of them through and through.

Hanbin didn’t love Yeongjin anymore, maybe he’d never loved him, he just though he had. And Yeongjin knew.

Hanbin clutched his face, the guilt and sorrow was overwhelming. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that somehow he could lock the tears inside and magically reabsorb them.  But the second he opened his eyes again and saw Yeongjin’s stoic yet desolate face they streamed out in determined banners announcing his self-loathing.

_Why can’t you still want him the way you used to? Why can’t things go back the way they used to? WHY??_

“You no longer feel the way for me that way I feel for you, and fuck it _hurts_ Hanbin,” Yeongjin choked, “ because I know I’ve been a prick, but I fall for more in love with you _every day_ …”

“Please…” Hanbin begged, now weeping openly having given up the fight, not wanting Yeongjin to say another word that would make him feel even more awful. He could feel himself losing his resolve, he hadn’t prepared properly for this, he hadn’t known this was how bad it could feel. Why hadn’t Namkyu warned him it could be this bad? This was far worse than Yeongjin throwing another fit, indescribably worse.

“No, please listen, please. Do you know why I love you more every day, even though it doesn’t seem like it? Because you have now stayed by my side longer in my bad times than anyone else in my life. Longer than my Mum, longer my foster parents, longer than my adopted Father, longer than any school I’ve been to, longer than any kids refuge. I’m not an easy person, I’m really fucking difficult, but you haven’t given up on me...”

“I’m sorry…” Hanbin groaned.

_Now I’m becoming like everyone else in your life, giving up on you…now I’m becoming like Bobby, doing to you what he did to me….left me when I was at the lowest…_

“I need to tell you my good news,” Yeongjin brushed away his tears angrily, his tone now pragmatic and voice steadier.

“I saw my Dr yesterday, the one in charge of my rehabilitation. He and my physio agree I will be skating again by this November. Which means I can try again for the Grand Title next year, it will be my last chance. Soon I’m going to be back on my feet, doing what I love.”

Hanbin nodded, not knowing how to feel. On one hand he was thrilled for Yeongjin, ecstatically relieved, on the other hand he felt cornered.

“Hanbin,” Yeongjin said in a soft voice, walking over to him, “This knee injury has put me in a really fucking bad place, but I’m not going to stay here forever, believe me, I refuse to stay here. I know I’ve given you reasons to doubt me, to be disappointed in me. But please, don’t leave me when I’m at my worst, this is not who I really am. Stay with me as I pull myself out of _shithole_ I’m in, help me. I fucking need you, god I need you. You can’t even begin to know how much I need you…”

“I…” Hanbin began, but emotion caught in his throat and he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t utter the words he needed to.

_But I don’t love you, you know that…how can I stay…how can this work…_

“I know you feel differently, I know, but please, don’t leave me when I have _nothing_ …don’t leave me when I’m already down. Give me another chance, please,” Yeongjn wept. He took Hanbin’s hand and pressed it to his damp face. Hanbin must have had a small cut he didn’t know about because the contact with the salt made one of his fingers sting. He let out an aching sigh and urged himself to choose carefully.

_….but how can this work…what’s going to happen to us…._


	25. Knowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obsolescence 
> 
> (n.) the state, process, or condition of being or becoming obsolete
> 
>  
> 
> Internecine
> 
> (adj.) mutually destructive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to readers:
> 
> Hello and sorry for the long wait. I've been overseas for the last three weeks and before that I was finishing up a very intense job. I guess I just needed my own hiatus! 
> 
> I feel a bit bad that I'm returning to this story after such a long time (at least for me as a writer personally) with such a dark chapter...but I'm hoping you're all used to it by now LOL. 
> 
> But seriously: TRIGGER WARNING FOR TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND DEPRESSION. 
> 
> xx

When Hanbin didn’t return his calls that day after dropping him home, Namkyu had known straight away that something had gone wrong. It was a full week later that he had received a response. Hanbin had meekly allowed him to come over and discuss the following months schedule and the fact they were meeting at the same place as always, at his and Yeongin’s home, told him all he needed to know.

When Namkyu buzzed for access through the security gates outside the Hanbin-Yeongjin mansion he was feeling more than just disappointment, he was furious.

When Yeongjin’s careless “Oh, hey Nam,” crackled at him through the intercom he pursed his lips and remained silent.

“So, what happened?” Was the first thing he said as he sat down on the sofa in Hanbin’s dark, chic studio, folding his hands over his laptop in his lap like he meant business.

“What?” Hanbin shifted in his seat. He’d been dreading this moment all week, when he’d have to talk to his manager about Yeongjin.  

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”  Hanbin looked up from his computer and met Namkyu’s disapproving glare. “You were going to take some time for yourself, give yourself some distance from Yeongjin, and I want to know what happened, because you’ve clearly decided otherwise.”

“I dunno. We just kind of…we’re ok now.”

“You’re “ok now,” what does that mean? You’re in love with him again?”

“It’s complicated.” Hanbin mumbled, scratching the back of his neck, his embarrassment ripening.

“You’re not convincing me at all here.” The fact Hanbin didn’t have a decent explanation made Namkyu’s frustration skyrocket. “At the festival you were beside yourself with anxiety, you wanted to leave immediately to speak to him. We cancelled your interviews and performances, so you could race back and-”

“-I was really confused in Busan, I know,” Hanbin interrupted defensively, “but when I came back we talked…and I decided taking a break right now would be a bad idea. It isn’t that hard to understand.”

“Actually, it is hard to understand, sorry.” Namkyu replied bluntly.

Hanbin winced and fixed his eyes on the screen in front of him to hide his hurt. His eyes were starting to prick. Namkyu had no idea what he was going through, the conflict he was feeling. No one did. He felt like he’d done something selfless and brave by staying with Yeongjin, but it was clear Namkyu was only seeing cowardice.

In one sense Namkyu was right, it had been partly out of cowardice.

_“I know you feel differently, I know, but please, don’t leave me when I have nothing…don’t leave me when I’m already down. Give me another chance, please.”_

There had been a pause in which Yeognjin wept, wiped his nose on the back of his hand, and waited for a response, desperation and heartbreak all too apparent in his swollen red eyes.

In that moment of shameless vulnerability Hanbin had seen a glimpse of the Yeongjin who’d been so tender with him, so loving. It had reminded him how good things had been, how incredibly surreal and dream-like. For a moment he’d gone back in time to their halcyon days when they’d both been in the art gallery together looking at butterflies in that hot and steamy gallery room, strolling down a boulevard lined with palm trees in Venice Beach, cozying up together in bed on a Sunday morning under freshly washed sheets, the many hours spent together in his studio in his townhouse studio Yeongjin watching him work full of curiosity and encouragement.

He's also seen the Yeongjin he imagined as a child, abandoned, betrayed, used, alone. Again and again and again. 

And like that his resolve had crumbled, a full body experience that Yeongjin had noticed and stepped forwards to meet immediately. He’d taken Hanbin’s hands, kissed his palms with his wet lips and cried some more.

He’d been flooded with feelings, some difficult to hold, some difficult to let go of. But in that moment, with Yeongjin kissing him, all he knew was that he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t hurt him. Hurting Yeongjin in that moment would have been like hurting the ghostly, shattered version of himself that had been dumped by Bobby. Or even worse, like hurting a lost child. 

He’d let Yeongjin make love to him that night. It hadn’t been for himself, it had been because Yeongjin had needed it and he’d hurt him enough already. He wanted to soothe him and undo some of the damage.

Holding Yeongjin while he slept, he reminded himself as he slipped into a different kind of anxiety, a tired, slow, exhausted desperation, that he just needed to get Yeongjin back on his feet again, literally, and then he’d think about leaving. But until Yeongjin was happy and stable and had his career, he was going to do his best to support him, leaving just wasn’t an option.   

But he didn’t expect anyone to understand that so there was no point explaining. It wasn’t something anyone could understand unless they were in it themselves and so far, Namkyu’s disgusted reaction was proving him right.

_So I’m a bad person for leaving, and I’m a bad person for staying…well fuck, I can’t fucking win can I, Nam??_

He shrugged with as much indifference as he could muster and slipped his headphones back on to signify the conversation was over. But like a parent accustomed to their teenagers many moods, Namkyu was unfazed.

“Hanbin, I’m not finished, can you please listen to me?” Namkyu ordered in a stern voice, sounding the most managerial he’d ever been in their entire working relationship. Hanbin took his headphones off again out of respect for his manager. “I don’t understand you, but I _want_ to. Now, tell me, what’s the _real_ reason you’re staying.”

“Because…I _care_ ,” Hanbin shrugged finally.

“Care about what? You care for him? You love him agai-”

“-Can we not talk about this anymore!?” Hanbin suddenly snapped, his voice three times as loud as before and a dozen more times defensive. Namkyu’s questions were too piercing, they were reminding him of how trapped he felt, he couldn’t listen to it for another second. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore with you. Not about Yeongjin, not about our relationship, not about my private life.”

There was a finality to his tone that Namkyu hadn’t heard before, and because of its singularity he knew not to ignore it. It was a professional tone, a request from his client wanting to set boundaries in their working relationship. He suddenly wondered if Hanbin would ever fire him. The idea was awful, and with a sigh he realised it was no good.

“What do you want to talk about then, Hanbin?” Namkyu said as calmly as he could.

“The schedule.”

“Ok then.” Namkyu got out his laptop. “Let’s look at next week’s schedule.”

“Cool,” Hanbin said with a quaver in his voice they both pretended not to hear.

 

***

 

The rest of Bobby’s time at the hip hop festival in Busan had been a strange combination of the wonderful and weird. The positive response to his album from fans, the media and industry was thrilling and it was deeply reassuring to him that he was still able to get up on stage and lose himself so thoroughly in his music. That everything that had happened hadn’t taken that joy from him, he could still do it. He prayed whenever he got a chance, just quick little messages he sent to god in thanks.

_Thank you for letting me have music. Thanks for giving me these gifts. Thank you for giving me these chances to perform. Thank you for letting me have this one thing..._

But when he’d heard that Hanbin had left the festival during his first stage he’d been stunned.

“Wait, what? Hanbin left?” when?” Bobby asked Wonjung in disbelief. He was still wiping off the sweat he’d worked up bouncing around the stage.

“About an hour and a half ago, apparently.”

“Why?”

“Namkyu hasn’t told me yet, so not sure.”

The high Bobby had been on from his performance dissipated immediately. He suddenly felt awful. Was he being paranoid in thinking Hanbin left because he’d arrived? Hanbin’s manner towards him in the waiting room hadn’t been hostile, but it had been distant and uncomfortable. He remembered asking Hanbin if he was performing later, he’d nodded. He hadn’t even had the decency to tell him he was leaving.

_Wow. Petty as ever Hanbin._

Bobby whipped off his shirt and changed into a new one, feeling angry and disgusted at Hanbin’s lack of professionalism. Did he seriously leave the festival and cancel his performances and interviews just because he’d turned up out of the blue? He literally had to sit down for a second and stare at the floor to bear the wave of anger and hurt that swept over him.

But something Hanbin said came to mind like a spear flying out of the fog.

_“When you get mad at each other he also gets mad at me.”_

It had confused him at the time but he’d let it go because he’d been so stupidly hopeful Hanbin would open up about his thoughts on _Love and Fall_.

What exactly had that meant though? That Yeongjin had most definitely understood _UP_ was about him and that he’d had a go at Hanbin about it….? he leant against the wall of the changing room feeling guilty.

_Oh shit._

While writing the song with Mino he hadn’t even considered that for a second what Yeongjin would say to Hanbin about it. It had never occurred to him that Yeongjin would get mad about it to Hanbin, why would he? This was about him and Yeongjin. But from what Hanbin said it sounded like Yeongjin had gotten mad at him over UP.

All anger and hurt was gone, now Bobby was guilty and concerned. He now felt sure that Hanbin leaving hadn’t been an act of pettiness, there was something else going on and it was to do with that prick Yeongjin.  Hanbin could be petty and stubborn and he could even be mean, really mean, his words could be as blistering as cigarette burns and just as scarring. But he also knew Hanbin’s discpline, his professionalism, his sheer will power. He would never cancel a schedule just because someone he didn’t like showed up, after all, he’d pushed himself through _Fast Forward_ for all those weeks when they’d been forced to work together.

Bobby sighed as he realised what he needed to do. It wasn’t going to be fun but he needed to get the boys together and tell them. Something wasn’t right with Hanbin and that asshole Yeongjin, he could sense it. What a drag it was going to be though, getting Jinhwan pissed all over again for “interfering.”

_The shit I do for you Hanbin, you have no idea._

As he headed to his radio interview with Wonjung fresh and clean once more, he resolved to speak to them as soon as possible, sending God angry messages containing more than a few angry swear words.

 

***

 

The boys were proved hard to contact. He felt like he was playing a game of cat and mouse with each other them. They were all busy and all he could do was leave messages. Then when they called him back he accidentally missed them. With limited time himself he decided to focus his attentions on Jinhwan. 

Jinhwan didn’t answer his calls for a few days, Bobby just kept getting his voicemail service. It hurt he was doing this, he used to pick up so speedily, the mum figure always ready to help.

_Have you finally cast us off, Mum??_

“Hey,” Jinhwan answered in a fruity relaxed tone. Bobby could hear he was outside somewhere, was that the squawk of a seagull?

“Hey, where are you?”

“Jeju,” Jinhwan took a long slurp of something through a straw. Bobby fumed. So, this was where Jinhwan had been hiding for the past few weeks: a holiday on Jeju. _Nice bro._

“Ok, good for you, I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Go on,” Jinhwan trilled in a carefree, generous mood. He was walking along a seaside boulevard with his sister and her dog, they were heading home for a family dinner, it had been a good day.

“Don’t shut me down ok? Promise?”

“Ok…” Jinhwan slurped again. He already knew what this conversation was going to be about and he was doing his best to channel all his current calmness and tranquillity into not getting cranky and making assumptions.

“Hanbin’s not ok. I think it’s to do with Yeongjin. I saw him at the hip hop festival and he seemed really…off. Flat. Kinda depressed. He didn’t look that good either. Kinda pale and tired…and sick. But he said some stuff to me that made me worried.”

“Like what Bobby?” Jinhwan sighed, trying not to let the new wave of bad news get too him too badly.

“That like, when Yeongjin got pissed at me, he also gets pissed with him – at Hanbin I mean. That sounds weird right…like, I think they might be fighting…and he looked miserable…and I dunno, I think something’s wrong. That’s my gut feeling.”

“Right. So, what do you want me to do?”

“Speak to him. Reach out to him. Force him to talk. Do anything. Threaten him, bribe him, get him drunk…. _anything_ , just get him to talk. He locks stuff up inside, he’s so good at fucking repressing everything.”

“You do realise he hasn’t been answering my calls for ages?”

“I know, he’s an idiot. Just please…don’t give up on him,” Bobby begged, his heart aching that he himself wasn’t the one reaching out to Hanbin.  Jinhwan snorted bitterly. He didn’t like hearing Bobby talking about not giving up on people, he found it all rather hypocritical. “Jinani, please…just talk to him. Just make sure he’s ok.”

“I will, ok? Only because you got me in a good mood. You’re lucky, you realise that right, catching me in a good mood?”

“When you coming back from Jeju?”

“I dunno…when I feel like it.”

“Come back soon, talk to him in person. It’s the only way to get him to talk…”

“I can’t _meet up_ with him if he doesn’t answer his _phone_ to organise where to _meet_ , Jiwon.” Jinhwan snapped. He hated how everyone left him to do the mediating but wanted to patronise and tell him how to do it. Of course he knew that was the best way to talk to Hanbin, but Hanbin hadn’t made that possible for a long time. It had been a good six months since he and Hanbin had caught up on on one, there was no denying it, he was resentful about it.

Bobby decided to let it go, he was pushing it too far now, he was just going to have to trust in Jinhwan.

“Thanks…let me know how it goes.”

“Sure, later,” Jinwahn signed off with a final slurp.

 

***

 

 

“Did you sleep well?” Yeongjin asked.

“Yes, I did. Did you?”

“Yes, well enough.”

“Good.”

There was a long pause as Yeongjin focused on driving and Hanbin stared out the window. Ever since their dramatic reconciliation and night of passion they had been abnormally polite to one another, as if suddenly aware each other was made of glass.

Hanbin would have been depressed by the hesitancy and awkwardness of their interactions if he wasn’t just so relieved by the calmness of it all. At least it wasn’t shouting, or throwing things, or accusations, or being insulted. It was like finally being able to sleep after nights of insomnia. He was going to take these moments of rest and be grateful for them. Who knew when the insomnia would return?

Depsite being busy himself with plenty of deadlines, he went with Yeongjin whenever he was asked to, knowing that Yeongjin wanted him close to him as much as possible right now. Yeongjin’s eyes followed him whenever he left the room, when his phone buzzed Yeongjin looked at him questioningly, wondering if it was something or someone that would draw him away. It made Hanbin uneasy, but he knew this wouldn’t last, Yeongjin would relax eventually.

Today after a promising physio session Yeongjin has=f asked Hanbin to keep him company while he skated. Hanbin obliged.

He’d watched Yeongjin skate all afternoon, ponderously, observing things but without curiosity. He saw the way the board followed the sole of Yeongjin’s feet into the air as if not wanting to let them go, the way his back muscles rippled under his t-shirt as a sweat stain spread rapidly, the way he bit his lip as he manipulated the board to a safe landing and spread his fingers wide like sails. He just saw them. They were just things that happened.

Now they were in the orange lamb, heading home, struggling to find words to express the ghost town of their former selves....Hanbin liked that motif, ghost towns...of our former selves...he wrote it down in his phone to remember it for later. 

 “You did great.” Hanbin said calmly.

“No, I didn’t. Fuck, I’m so out of practice.” Yeongjin scoffed bitterly. “Going to take me ages to get back into form.”

“Does your knee feel ok?”

“S’alright…” Yeongjin grimaced. His hand went down to his knee peeping through his ripped black heans and Hanbin’s eyes followed, observing the band of mauve shiny skin that was his operation scar. Where his surgeon went in and pieced together hundreds and hundreds of delicate pieces of muscle torn to shreds.

Back home later that evening it became clear Yeongjin had over-exerted himself. Lying on their bed Yeongjin clenched his teeth as Hanbin held an icepack to his twitching, clenching knee.

“Get me some pain killers,” Yeongjin grunted and Hanbin raced to get them, feeling helpless as Yeongjin was overcome by pain. He found it hard to believe that Yeongjin’s rehabilitation team had given him the all clear to resume training, how could he be ready when just one afternoon of skating had him writing in agony? He felt ashamed of it, but he had wondered if Yeongjin was lying, what if they hadn't given him the all clear at all. However, a quick conversation with the tall, muscular physio that morning had dispelled his suspicions.

“He’ll be back in the game in no time,” the physio had winked at him and Yeongjin. “He’ll be fine.”

When the pain killers kicked in Yeongjin was able to relieve the tension in his body. He let out a gush of air and looked at Hanbin.

“They said this could happen…when I start training again seriously, to expect this.”

“Does it still hurt now?”

“Yeah…but nothing you can’t fix,” Yeongjin grinned, sitting up and kissing Hanbin’s neck invitingly. They hadn’t been intimate since that night they first got together, a deliberate move on Hanbin’s part. He hadn’t felt good at all waking up that next morning, knowing full well he hadn’t given his body to Yeongjin as much as surrendered it. It had made him feel lost, meaningless, a liar, cheap. 

Now with Yeongjin kissing him, wanting him once again to distract him and soothe him, the way he’d done happily so many times before, he felt something within him rebel. He knew how he’d feel after, he didn’t want that.

Yeongjin took his hands, placed them on his thighs, knowing how in the past how their firmness used to drive Hanbin wild. He slipped his hand under Hanbin’s shirt, across his chest, down his stomach, into his jeans, but…

“What’s wrong?” Yeongjin demanded. Hanbin could tell he was baffled, he should have been by now. 

“I’m just tired.” Hanbin gushed, his voice throbbing with poorly masked insincerity. Yeongjin’s face hardened, something sinister passed over it like a shadow.

“What’s wrong with you?” He snarled.

“I’m…I’m just…” Hanbin stammered, what could he say??

_I don’t love you anymore? I’m sorry?! I can’t…I can’t do this…it doesn’t feel right…it’s not true…_

He couldn’t say anything that wouldn’t hurt Yeongjin, after all, he’d decided to stay and support Yeongjin. Telling Yeongjin he no longer could bring himself to be intimate with him wasn’t supportive…it was damn hurtful.

“I need to work on something…” Hanbin left the room briskly, leaving Yeongjin on the bed staring after him with a betrayed look on his face. He closed the door and just as he reached his studio he heard Yeongjin cry out again.

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!”

He stood there in the hallway in the darkness, a vicious lump in his throat, the words echoing in his mind. Finally he opened his studio door and went in.

***

 

The next morning he was woken by a dull vibration under his head. Lifting himself up from his desk he’d fallen asleep upon, he saw his phone lighting up with a call from Jinhwan. Barely awake he declined the call then stumbled to the sofa to lie down more comfortably. He’d worked till 5am in the morning. He needed sleep.  

He’d call Jinhwan back another time.

 

***

 

“So, I called him, and he wouldn’t take the call.”

Bobby could hear the hurt and anger in Jinhwan’s voice, this wasn’t good.

“Ok…try again??”

“YOU DON’T THINK I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO? THEN RUN AFTER YOUR TEMPERAMENTAL EX WHO HAS WILLINGLY SHUT ME OUT FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS??”

“Ok, Ok! Relax, I’m sorry…”

“I need to go Bobby. I’m meant to be spending time with family.” Jinhwan said curtly. He hung up leaving Bobby just as frustrated.

_Hanbin! What are you doing? Why so you INSIST on pushing people away like this??_

He began composing a message to the rest of the boys telling them he needed to talk to them, but just before he could send it he was being ushered out of the car. He had a stage to perform.

_Later, later…I’ll message them as soon as I’ve got a moment…_

 

***

 

Jinhwan proved tricky to get a hold of when Hanbin tried to call him back. He tried to ring him four times then gave up. No doubt Jinhwan was just pissed with him over something, probably not answering him straight away the other day, and he didn’t have the strength to try and find out what it was. He’d try Donghyuk, he was desperate for company.

Ever since they’d failed to be intimate the other week Yeongjin had treated him with something like silence, but not quite that exactly. He said good morning, good night, asked him how he was, and how his work was going, where he was off to, with whom and when he’d be back, but at the same time it still felt to Hanbin like he was being ignored. Those words became meaningless when the silence in between them stretched into hours. He was both relieved, guilty and anxious that Yeongjin appeared to have given up moving him physically. On one hand he was relieved he didn’t have to be so dishonest to himself and Yeongjin, on the other hand Yeongjin’s coldness towards him was at times unbearable.

 “Hey! Bin!” Donghyuk had company when Hanbin called, he could hear people in the background. It wasn’t the boys though, he was probably with his dancing crew. He wanted to hang up, he hated calling people to hang out when they already had company.

“Hey…”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, I haven’t seen you in a while. Can you come over tonight?”

“Um…” Donghyuk’s hesitation surprised Hanbin. None of the boys ever hesitated before when he’d asked them to hang out. It felt unnatural, wrong, and he was too embarrassed to admit it, but it hurt his pride.

“What, you busy or something?” He chuckled coldly.

 “No, no, you know I’m never too busy for you. It’s just that I’d prefer to just hang out with only you…if you get what I mean. Come over to mine.”Hanbin knew exactly what Dong was about to say.

“It’s Yeongjin isn’t it. And Bobby.”

“Yeah…it’s really awkward, I’m sorry, but with what happened with Bobby, I just don’t think I should-”

“-Be associated with Yeongjin. I get it, don’t worry.” Hanbin cut him off shortly, feeling angry but at no one in particular.

“Let’s meet for drinks, I’m free tomorrow night? Or come to mine?”

“Maybe not this week…” Hanbin didn’t want to explain to Yeongjin he was no longer welcome at the boy’s houses and he knew Yeongjin didn’t feel comfortable with him leaving the house without him.

“But it’s fine, come over to mine and we can have dinner together. Let’s get pizza from that place you like. I miss you.”

“Mmm…I’ll get back to you. I’ve got to go now.”

“Ok…let me know ok??”

“By the way, how’s Jinhwan? I’ve tried calling him but he’s not picking up.”

“He’s spending a lot of time in Jeju at the moment. We think he’s really burnt out.”

“Ok, I’ll just keep trying I guess.”

“We miss you Bin, stay in touch ok?”

“Sure.”

 

***

As Yeongjin’s training built up over the weeks, Yeongjin began inviting friends over more and more often. It seemed the presence of his entourage was needed more than ever, to help him get back in the game. Deep down Hanbin knew it was because he was no longer giving Yeongjin what he needed, but neither of them could admit it.

_I made a terrible mistake. And we both know it. You don't want the truth though, you just want me to be a better liar._

A day hadn’t passed for a month that hadn’t featured a crowd of Yeongjin’s skater friends pouring into the lounge room and sitting around talking, smoking and drinking for hours. They moved to the pool outside in time for the sunset, then headed out around 11:30pm with a cacophony of loud joking, and car revving. He worried about Yeongin's partying, if he was doing too much, but he knew better now than to confront him about it. 

Hanbin could often feel the punctuation of Yeongjin's guests music, laughter and shouting through the floor of his studio. Often, he stopped whatever he was doing and wondered if he was being rude not going down to join them.

One evening Hanbin was forced to go downstairs simply because his hunger could not be tolerated any longer.

“Why don’t you come outside for a bit? Yeongjin asked as he saw Hanbin enter the kitchen, he’d been in the middle of mixing a drink. “If it’s not too unbearable for you, of course.” Yeongjin joked. But Hanbin could hear something accusatory in his voice and that made his guilt kick in.

“Well…maybe…for a bit.” Hanbin nodded.

“It’s always better when you’re around.” Yeongjin gave him a smile and Hanbin followed him outside slowly.

The group were all outside, they had somehow drained the huge swimming pool and were using it to skate. But they weren’t skating right now, the seven of them were sitting around the edge of the pool, beers in hand, all wearing skating brands, covered in tattoos, faces and ears riddles with piercings, all carrying themselves with a delinquent swagger. Hanbin found them completely unnerving, they were like unpredictable and unfriendly wild dogs.

Hanbin immediately regretted having stepped outside when he caught a snatch of the conversation he’d just walked into. There was one friend sitting by the pool who Hanbin hadn’t seen before, a tall guy with a bleach blonde buzzcut, a septum piercing and a pair of heavy black doc martens. Yeongjin obviously hadn’t seen him for a long time, because they were catching each other up on what had happened during the past year, and that included the accident at Munich.

“So, what the fuck happened? When Jaehyun told me you’d fucked up your knee I didn’t believe it. I flat out told him “fuck off,” The Reaper doesn’t fuck up big like that. He just doesn’t.” Yeongjin grinned and shrugged as he lowered himself down into the centre of the pool where he could sit on a large inflatable dinosaur.

“What can I say, I got distracted?”

Hanbin’s stomach sank and his heart began to beat fast, the same nervous symptoms he always got when they talked about that horrible accident in Munich. He hovered by the large wrought iron doors, hoping to slip away unnoticed.

“Distracted? You never get distracted. You have the best focus in the game.”

“I know Doony, I _know_ …”

“Distracted by what?”

“That dude over here,” Yeongjin chuckled, nodding towards Hanbin who he’d just spotted. Hanbin froze as Yeongjin’s friends looked over at him, registering his presence.

“What the fuck did you do?” Doony demanded. Yeongjin’s friends laughed, obviously used to his aggressive humour. But Hanbin couldn’t tell if he was being serious or joking or somewhere in between, but it felt threatening nonetheless.

“I just pushed off,” Yeongjin directing the attention away from Hanbin and getting into story telling mode, “I was fully focussed, fully in control, but the big screen was straight ahead and I looked up, and they’d zoomed in on him. His face,” Yeongjin broke off laughing, “he was like this,” he pulled a face of horror. “ _Literally_!” Half of his friends laughed the other half swore.

“I swear to god, thought he was having a legit panic attack. I thought maybe he’d seen something I didn’t, like something coming at me from the side or something?! It shattered my tunnel-vision, you know what I mean??”

“Yeah man, it happens.”

“Totally.”

Doony who’d stood up and dusted himself off, walked over and slung his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders.

“How does it feel dude, shattering the dreams of one of the most talented skaters in the world?”

“He’s just joking, Bin, he’s joking.” Yeongjin laughed and shook his head.

“I’m not.” Doony insisted. Yeongjin aimed an empty beer can at him that rolled to a halt at their feet. “You fucked up my friend’s career.”

Doony burst into laughter at the sight of Hanbin’s flustered guilt and let him go with a pat on the shoulder.

“I’m just messing with you…” he sighed, heading back to the side of the pool.

With his face burning and his stomach heading rapidly towards the centre of the earth, Hanbin made his way inside and upstairs as quickly as possible.

 

***

 

 It was earlier in the evening than usual when Yeongjin visited Hanbin in his studio. His friends must have left early, thank god. 

“You ok?”

“No.”

“You don’t like my friends much, do you.” Yeongjin chuckled. It hadn’t been a question, more a statement.

“No, I don’t like them. I really don’t.” Hanbin didn’t try to keep the anger and hurt out of his voice. He was still trying to recover from Doony’s awful sense of humour.

“Don’t worry about them, they’re full of shit.”

“I think they’re assholes. Especially Doony or whatever the heck his name is.” Hanbin snapped.

“Dowoon was _joking_. Chill.”

“Why did you say that to them, that it was my fault? They probably all hate me now!” Hanbin turned to Yeongin full of hurt.

“Does that concern you? What my friends think of you?” Yeongjin asked in surprise.

“Yeah, it does! Of course, it does. They think I _ruined_ your career!”

“That’s interesting….” Yeongjin mused coldly. “Now maybe you know how I felt at Bobby’s album launch, when your buddy’s who are usually all over me like fucking school girls gave me the cold shoulder.”

“What..?” Hanbin began, not sure where this was suddenly coming from.

“Do you think I’m an idiot, that I didn’t notice that? I’m wondering what the fuck you’ve been telling them about me, what made them suddenly turn against me.”

“I haven’t said anything to the boys, and they haven’t said anything about you.”

“Liar.” Yeongjin smiled bitterly. “I heard you the other day asking one of them to come over. They said no, didn’t they?”

“I thought you said you didn’t blame me for what happened in Munich.” Hanbin said, steering the conversation away from the boys. He didn’t know if he’d be able to control his temper if Yeongjin said anything else unflattering about them.

“I didn’t say that,” Yeongjin rebuked. “I said it wasn’t fair to _blame_ you. Meaning, it’s not fair of me to hold grudge against you for something that happened in the past that can’t be changed.”

“So, I did distract you? I did cause your accident?” Hanbin clarified feeling light-headed.

“Of _course_ you did.” Yeongjin replied in a confused tone, as if Hanbin was suffering from dementia or being wilfully delusional.

“That makes me feel really shit. You realise that right?” Hanbin had a lump in his throat. Yeongjin shrugged, unconcerned by the emotion in his voice.

“What, you don’t want me to be honest with you? You want me to keep it to myself and let it build up as resentment? You want me to sugar-coat my words? Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“What then?” Yeongjin demanded. “Tell me what you want.”

“I don’t know…I wish I could go back in time.”

“ _You_ wish you could go back in time?” Yeongjin was affronted. “How do you think _I_ feel??”

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin mumbled. “I don’t know what else to say.”

Yeongjin massaged his damaged knee, bandage free but sore as ever. He chuckled.

“You know at first I hated you when we first came back to Seoul. Just the sight of you made me so fucking angry. But then when I thought you went missing on that highway I fell for you all over again, this time even harder. Seems like I just can’t help myself, I have to love you, I don’t have a choice about it. So, it’s ok, don’t worry. I still love you, even if you did fuck up my career.”

Yeongjin gave Hanbin’s shoulder a squeeze and left the room.

 

***

 

Hanbin had a special way of turning words into weapons. Alongside his poetic and witty lyric writing, it was skill he had been refining unconsciously and unintentionally for years. He took aim and fired without thinking about anything other than what he needed. All he knew was that things weren’t going the way he needed them to and now he needed someone to learn something faster, to adjust their tone, or record something for the millionth time. It was stress, obsession and perfectionism behind his razor sharp words more so than malevolence, Bobby knew that, they all did. But there no denying it, Hanbin’s words still hurt, and five months before the scandal with Hanbin’s father resurfaced an incident took place that forced Bobby to confront Hanbin about it.

“So well done, you really upset him.” Bobby informed him irritably, slipping down in the chair next to Hanbin who was busy revising a track.

“Who?”

“You _know_ who.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Think back real hard over what you did today, who you spoke to, what you were doing with them.” Bobby growled, not liking Hanbin’s short memory at all.

“Oh.” Hanbin sighed, realising what Bobby was talking about.

Bobby was talking about Chanwoo who’d arrived back to the dorms from a recording session with Hanbin earlier than expected looking completely miserable. Sitting at the table eating his third bowl of cereal for the day, Bobby had been alarmed to see the normally cheeky, relaxed maknae enter the room looking like he was on the verge of tears. As he always did, Bobby slipped into older brother mode.

“Dude, what’s up? You ok?” He wrapped an arm around Chanwoo who shrugged him off and threw himself down onto the couch, folding his arms firmly over his face. Sitting down on the coffee table next to him Bobby tried to peer through the gaps between limbs to catch a glimpse of Chanwoo’s face.

“What happened? It’s ok bro…whatever it is we’ll sort it out. Tell your big bro Bobby.”

“Hanbin. That’s what happened.” Chanwoo’s voice was a thick mumble barely coming through.

“Oh shit…you were recording just now, weren’t you.”

“Yep,” Chanwoo removed his arms, revealing himself to be crying. Tears ran down his face and his already large brown eyes seemed extra swollen.

“He was a jerk was he?”

“Maybe I do suck though?? Maybe I shouldn’t be here? Maybe I can’t sing…I dunno.”

“Dude! Dude! Woah! What the hell. Don’t say shit like that, you know it’s not true!” Bobby insisted, taking Chanwoo by the shoulder who only started crying harder.

“I should just give up. He should just give my lines to someone else.”

“What did he say to you??” Bobby growled, getting angry.

“We did twenty takes for the same line…then he told me to “go home, I don’t have time for this. Come back when you can sing properly.”

“The fucker…” Bobby patted Chanwoo on the head, amazed by how brutal Hanbin could be. “Were you trying your best?”

“Yes, I was. I was trying really hard. I’ve been going to extra singing practices all week..”

“Did you tell him that?”

“I did, I told him how hard I’d been practicing, that I was ready…but I didn’t understand what he wanted…I think the way I was practicing it with my voice coach was different to how he wanted me to sing it…I don’t know.” Chanwoo covered his face with his arms, feeling embarrassed to be crying in front of Bobby. Bobby ruffled Chanwoo’s hair and stood up.

“I’ll go speak to him.”

“No!” Chanwoo bolted upright. “Don’t, he’ll know I spoke to you and he’ll be pissed.”

“No, he won’t, that’s the thing. He doesn’t care about anything right now except perfection.” Bobby grumbled. There was something about being a leader that Bobby was convinced made Hanbin suddenly turn into a heartless robot with no filter.

It was a combination of the time pressure, the stress and the need to get things YG standard perfect. If things weren’t perfect it meant another six months sitting around waiting to impress YG enough again for another comeback.

Bobby strode to the recording studio feeling protective of Chanwoo and angry enough to scold Hanbin.

Bobby also hard on Chanwoo from time to time, he wasn’t going to deny that, it just happened very rarely. But when he did it was because he was concerned Chanwoo didn’t understand how lucky they were to be making music videos, or be performing on tv, to be doing anything at all. Chanwoo had been through the short, sharp, agonising trial of mix and match and come out victorious. But he hadn’t spent the years of training they had, he hadn’t had to sacrifice as much of his school years and teenage experiences the way they had. Sometimes Bobby felt he forgot how long they’d all waited and worked for this, and like a stern older brother, he felt compelled to remind him. The biggest scolding he’d ever given Chanwoo personally had been on the set of Dumb and Dumber.

“Cut the attitude, don’t complain in front of the staff about how long this is taking, they’re working their asses off. Stand up straight, bow whenever you get the opportunity, and lift your game. This isn’t a fucking holiday, this is work, and work for us is a privilege. Got it??”

“I’m sorry,” Chanwoo burst into tears. Bobby had sighed and hugged his little brother, rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry to be harsh on you, but I need you to show respect. Ok?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was being so rude.”

The good thing about Bobby was that he didn’t hold grudges when it came to people he loved unconditionally. They were like family, the seven of them, and holding grudges against family members was unthinkable. So, for the rest of the day he had treated Chanwoo caringly and encouraged him, and it had been genuine.

Whereas Bobby knew he only ever scolded Chanwoo to bring him into line, he only wished that was the same case for Hanbin.

Chanwoo had entered the music industry later than they all had and at an older age. He was still developing his skill base, whereas he and the other boys were past that stage of development, they were now onto expanding and refining it. Because of that Chanwoo often had to work harder and longer than they did, and Bobby knew it got him down. What Chanwoo forgot, which Bobby liked to remind him, was how incredibly far he’d come. He was dancing and singing now in a way they’d never imagined he would be able to. But one word from Hanbin, and Chanwoo forgot it in an instant.

Hanbin could be a hyper-critical bastard, they all agreed that. Every comeback he pushed them to a new level, demanding a new standard of perfection from them that they never knew they could achieve until they somehow managed to. He could be ruthless with his words, turning into Tiger Bin who didn’t hold back, who was blisteringly honest, and "cruel to be kind."

During comeback preparation Hanbin rarely had a kind word for any of them. If they got something right, “good, keep doing it,” and if they got something wrong it was endless “do it again,” or “Not like that, this,” or simply “wrong.” It was only once they had done their first stage flawlessly that he relaxed and told them how well they were doing.

The only reason Bobby was able to tolerate Hanbin’s disciplinarian style was because he rarely copped any of it. But he knew Chanwoo felt Hanbin’s words personally, he took them to heart. And because of that he became demoralised. And when Chanwoo was demoralised he gave up. Then Hanbin got stuck into him all over again.

Bobby had tried point it out to Hanbin heaps of times. He was frustrated that Hanbin couldn’t see that his coaching style didn’t work well on Chanwoo the way it did for himself and the other boys. The boy needed positive reinforcement, he hadn’t grown up under the brutal YG trainee feedback system of constant negative reinforcement for as long as them, his skin wasn’t as thick. He needed confidence, to have fun, not to obsess over being perfect. But everytime he tried to explain this to Hanbin he had always been brushed off.

_“What? You’re still going on about what I said to Chanwoo? He knows I love him, he knows I get like that when I’m stressed…”_

And Bobby could see that was just what Hanbin was doing now, brushing it off, and he wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“You really hurt him! He’s _crying_!”

“I can’t help that…

 “Hey, listen to me,” Bobby took Hanbin’s shoulder. On one hand nothing turned him on more than Hanbin in Tigerbin mode, on the other hand, nothing made him angrier than Hanbin being a stubborn, mean leader. “You made him _cry_. He’s lying there in the dorms thinking about giving up, about quitting!”

“Did you hear him?” Hanbin grumbled. “Did you hear his recording??”

“What, no, of course I didn’t, I wasn’t there.”

“Exactly. You weren’t here. He sounded terrible, like he hadn’t practiced at all.”

“He did practice, he practiced heaps with his coach.”

“Well he needs to practice more.” Hanbin muttered, not in the mood to indulge Bobby’s defensiveness of Chanwoo who he personally suspected had been playing too many computer games.

“You need to apologise to him!” Bobby demanded.

“No, he needs to apologise to _me_. Look, I don’t have time for this ok?”

“Let me ask you something, when you’re trying your hardest and someone tells you your rapping is shit, does that inspire you to try harder or does it make you want to throw in the towel and give up?”

“It makes me work harder.” Hanbin retorted defiantly. Bobby rolled his eyes.

_Of course it does, you heartless song of a…_

“Yeah well maybe Chanwoo’s different? Maybe he needs more encouragement, not to be attacked and criticised and sent home in shame!”

“What are you talking about, you’re the one who made him cry during _Dumb and Dumber_? You scold him more than me!”

“That was different. I was teaching him respect, I wasn’t telling him he sucked when he was trying his hardest!”

“Whatever….ok? Whatever. I’ll apologise later.”

“You promise.”

“Yep…”

“Hanbin!” Bobby snapped. Hanbin looked up at him sulkily. Bobby sighed, his tone changed from angry to a sad pleading, “I don’t like it when you’re mean. Don’t be mean. Apologise to him, by the end of the day.”

“I said I’d do it! Will you let me get back to work??”

“Don’t be mean Hanbin, just don’t.” Bobby left the room, hoping to God that his words would finally sink it this time.

 

***

 

“I’m sorry. About before with Doony.”

Yeongjin was sitting on the edge of their bed when Hanbin finally came in. He was still feeling shattered by Yeongjin’s words, by what they meant. The full implications of them were stunningly awful. He almost felt winded, breathless.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ok. We won’t talk about it. Just know I’m sorry.” Hanbin heard a weakness in Yeongjin’s voice, an anxiety. He was scared he was going to threaten to leave again. Hanbin felt nothing, and for that reason he stood still and passive when Yeongjin took his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry.” Yeongjin reiterated, following up his words with a kiss. It was a good kiss, the type that had used to send Hanbin into meltdown, and for a second that began to happen again. Hanbin willed himself to lose himself further, to get caught up in Yeongjin’s body and touch. Maybe he could forget how Yeongjin had thrown him under the bus in front of his friends just earlier that day, how cruel his words had been, maybe he could forgive him even….if he just let himself relax and enjoy it…

Suddenly he flew backwards onto the bed, landing with a yelp.

Yeongjin was undoing his belt but halted as shock appeared on Hanbin’s face. Yeongjin being rough with him during sex had never been a surprise before to either of them, in fact they both liked it when in the mood, and that mood had been often. But this time Hanbin hadn’t been prepared, he hadn’t noticed the signs. The shove had winded him and the fall backwards had been startling.

 “You ok?” Yeongjin looking afraid. “I didn’t mean to…”

“No, no, I know…it’s fine…”

“Oh. You know I’d never really…”

“I know, I know…I’m just tired.”

 “It’s ok….um, I guess I’ll go shower then.”

_Not good. Not good at all. You’re struggling to pretend. He knows and you’re hurting him even more._

“No, it’s ok. Just no…rough stuff.”

He couldn’t do it anymore, let Yeongjin be rough with him and use him the way he once had. Before it had been so addictive and filthy hot, he’d never experienced anything like it. But now it felt too real. The gap between fantasy and reality had closed, all there was left was genuine love making and Hanbin knew he wasn’t capable of that either. But all he wanted was peace, he didn’t want to fight anymore, he didn’t want the blaming, or the passive aggressive silence. If he had to use his body to get that peace for a couple of days, he would.

Long after Yeongjin fell asleep he lay awake, his mind racing. Finally giving up he pulled on some shorts and went to his studio with his phone.

He called Yunhyeong and thankfully he picked up right away.

“Hey, Hanbin-ah!” Yunhyeong was thoroughly surprised to be receiving a call from Hanbin out of the blue. It had probably seen six months since such a thing had happened. “How are you??”

“Fine, what are you up to tonight?”

“Filming! I’m getting my make up done right now, oh wait, sorry Bin, wait a sec my makeup artist is saying something – B.I. yeah, I’m talking to him right now, ok, ok, I’ll tell him – she’s wants me to tell you she’s a big fan of yours – what? No! I’m not giving him your number! You crazy?!– anyway, how are you?”

“Tell her thank you. Also what did you just say? That you’re filming? Filming what?”

“Ahhh, are you serious?? I told you _ages_ ago Chanwoo and I were both featuring in a drama together, _My Boyfriend’s Little Brother_! He’s playing my younger brother!”

“Did you? When?” Hanbin was stunned, he couldn’t recollect this information at all.

 “of course I did. Check your phone and you’ll see about twenty missed calls from me and a dozen texts.”

“Ah…sorry, I’ve been busy.”

 “Don’t worry,” Yunhyeong laughed, not in the mood to scold Hanbin now that he’d reached out.

“That’s really awesome Yun, I’m really happy to hear…I can’t wait to see it.”

“Yeah, I’m not going to lie, I’m having the time of my life. I think acting really _is_ for me. And oh my god, you need to see Chanwoo. He’s such a good actor! He’s been downplaying it for years, but did you know he can cry on demand??”

“No…I didn’t even know he could cry.” Yunhyeong laughed.

“I’ve missed you Bin, come visit me on set ok? I’ll get you a visitor pass, you can come watch my brilliant acting. And Chanwoo doing his weeping and sobbing. It’ll be great.” Hanbin noted Yuneyong didn’t offer Yeongjin a pass.

 “Ok… Keep me updated on filming and how it goes.”

“OF COURSE! IF YOU REPLY SILLY!”

 

 

***

 

It three weeks into his hectic Love and Fall schedule that Bobby finally found the time to see Jee. It had been an endless schedule of performances, interviews, shoots, radio shows, drop in visits, variety shows and bar performances. Time was passing so fast it was hard to keep track of. He’d been genuinely baffled to hear it had been more than two months since his solo debut. To him it had felt like a week.

He and Jee had been texting almost every day while he was promoting. She had a calming, grounding influence on him that not even the boys seemed to have. They were part of the picture, she was far, far outside it, of a different world. A world where he didn’t have to give a shit about anything.

When he told the boys how tired and spent he was they would reply back with their usual show-biz encouragement:

“Think of the fans! They’re loving this!”

“Don’t worry, you can sleep when you’re dead!”

“Carry on Bobby! Love what you’re doing! This is a great opportunity!”

 

When he messaged Jee it was to get away from work completely.

_“I’m in Tokyo right now hella bored what happened with the lunch stealer at work??”_

_“He was outed, caught red-handed. Want to hear the whole story?”_

_“OMG kkkkkkk yeah?!?!”_

He and Jee rarely messaged about his job and music. They were happy to just banter about day to day things, it made them both feel at home no matter where they were.

But when he finally noticed a rare evening off he knew he had to see her in person. He needed to get away from everything, be completely utterly himself, warts and all. Also, he had something to give her and he couldn’t wait a moment longer.

He grabbed her into a tight hug as soon as he walked in the door.

“Oooft!” She grunted, surprised by the forcefulness.

“Sorry, sorry,” Bobby laughed, “How you been?”

“Same as I was an hour ago,” she rolled her eyes. Bob laughed at her reminder to drop the pretensions. This wasn’t a place where they needed formalities, they’d been messaging each other up until just an hour ago.

“Fair, fair. I got you something…a present.”

“A present?” Minjee guessed what it was. It was his album, and she was right. Bobby took his album out of a gift bag and handed it to her with a smirk.

“You’ll have to listen to it now.”

“I was always going to!” She protested, feeling guilty and defensive at the same time.

“You’re so mean! You helped inspire one of my tracks and you won’t even listen to it!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry…I just…I haven’t been in the mood to listen to music the past few weeks…”

Bobby narrowed his eyes at her. If there was one thing he didn’t understand about Jee it was how music for her was just something nice to have in the background, but if it wasn’t in the background she would survive anyway. Music was purpose for Bobby, it was love, it was passion, it was all the feelings in the world. Music helped him feel, express himself, understand others, be his truest self. But for Jee, it wasn’t as central to her. If anything moved Jee it was probably food.

He smiled, because that little quirk of her’s just made his second present all the more wonderful.

“But for real now, I have another gift, the main gift.” He smirked and pulled out a white envelope and held it out in the air between them.

“Why though?” Jee asked bemused. “You know my birthday’s not till a few weeks yet, or have you forgotten that too?”

“I know, this is a gift because well…I don’t think I would have finished my album if it wasn’t for you letting me come over eat your food, be a slob and sleep on your couch.”

“Pfft.” Minjee scoffed, trying to hide how flustered his sincerity was making her. “Whatever, I had no choice to let you in.”

“I love you Jee,” Bobby chimed in a cutesy voice followed by a laugh. He gave her another hug, but he had only meant it to be a short one, anything longer after having been so sincere would be awkward. But Jee hung on longer than he did. Where was Jee’s normal struggling and kicking? All the pranks he’d played on her over the years had taught her well not to trust his sincere hugs, there was usually a rubber spider, sticky hand or a fart-cushion hiding somewhere in his clothes.

“Why are you letting me hug you, this is weird,” Bobby laughed feeling awkward all of a sudden, making Jee pull away with a hot face. For a second he thought he caught a glimpse of something unexpected in her face but it was gone again with a grimace.

“You don’t have to get me a gift for taking care of you...”

He held out the envelope again and she took it this time, opening it with the suspicion it was going to be a stupidly generous gift-card. She hoped it was going to be for one of the top notch cooking equipment facilities in Seoul so she could buy herself a tonne of baking utensils.

When she unfurled the paper inside it turned out to be a letter. She scanned it quickly and gasped. It was a confirmation email for her enrolment in Cedric Grolet’s masterclass in his restaurant in Paris. Jiwon had signed her up and paid for the class she had mentioned to him. On top of that there was a return flight ticket to Paris inside the envelope as well.

“What the hell, Jiwon.” Minjee breathed. “What have you done?”

“Go! Learn with the best!” He laughed, almost beside himself with the satisfaction of having truly stunned her.

“No.”

“It’s gonna be so good! You’re gonna make that apple thingy you really like, and heaps of other stuff, you know all the stuff you drool over on instagram!”

“No, no.” Minjee massaged her forehead. Bobby finally realised she wasn’t just stunned, she was anxious.

“What’s the matter, you’re worried about work not giving you time off?”

“This is in a months’ time…that’s only four weeks away…We’re launching a whole new project in four weeks…”

“Jee, don’t worry,” Bobby insisted. “Just ask for sick leave or something..”

“I only get ten days sick leave a year…I don’t get annual leave till next year because I’m on probation.”

“Quit then,” Bobby laughed. “Quit the stupid job, you hate it anyway. Take this class and open your own business. I’ll help you, I’ll fund you.”

Jee finally looked up from the confirmation email and took in the sight of Bobby’s irritatingly positive face.

“Are you serious?? _Quit my job??_ ”

“This is your life, you need to do what you’re passionate about!”

“No, Jiwon, I _can’t_.” Bobby froze at Minjee’s razor sharp tone. He felt awkward now.

 “My parents would _kill_ me. I can’t afford to, and I’m not going to lean on you to do it.”

“Jee, come on just-”

“-No Jiwon! Oh my god! You’re so thoughtless sometimes! Quit my job to go to some bakery school for two weeks in Paris?!” Minjee stormed off to the kitchen where she began washing up a cupcake pan to hide her tears.

Bobby stood frozen in the loungeroom, wondering what to do. He’d really upset her and it felt awful, but he didn’t understand why it was such a big deal.  Did she not believe him when he said he’d help her start anew if that was what was needed? Because he did…he really meant it.

Tins clanged loudly in the kitchen as Minjee scrubbed them angrily, wiping tears from her face as she went, mentally vocalising everything she wished she could say to Bobby but didn’t have the guts to.

_I can’t give up my job, what if I suck as a pastry chef??_

_It’s a huge risk, a huge risk!_

_My parents will kill me, they’ll never support it…what the fuck are they going to say!_

_Fucking hell, sure, you go ahead and throw your life away for a cooking class!_

_Oh, wait. YOU WOULD DO THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE SO IMPULSIVE_

_But I can’t do that! I’m not as brave as you, you dumb idiot!!!_

“Jee?” Bobby cautious voice interrupted her raging monologue. She stopped scrubbing. “I’m really sorry. I’ll cancel it.”

“Can you?” She sniffed.

“Yeah…of course. If you don’t want to go, it’s cancelled.”

“I think that might be best…”

“Ok. Jee. I’m sorry. I’ll cancel it.”

She started crying at his guilty tone. Messy, horrible, self-loathing tears. He held her tight but she didn’t feel comforted at all. She felt like she’d just failed something very important.


	26. Second Attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends and readers,
> 
> please be warned this chapter is pretty dark and full of triggers. If you're sensitive to abusive relationship issues I would proceed with caution.
> 
> Also, due to popular request I now have twitter: A_memory_box24 is my username.   
> Still not really sure what I'm doing on there, but feel free to follow me. I guess it's just another way to contact me, if you so wish...? I'm a little shy but I'll always get back to you eventually. 
> 
> Take care, hope you enjoy reading xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> abeyance
> 
> (n.) temporary inactivity, cessation, or suspension. 
> 
> Lyssophobia
> 
> (n.) fear of going insane or mad.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Yeongjin murmured, noticing that his getting out of bed had stirred Hanbin.

“No, don’t worry. I need to get up anyway…” Hanbin watched Yeongjin walk to the bathroom, naked from head to toe, the muscular length of his back flexing. Yeongjin got up early five days a week to complete his intense physiotherapy schedule with his physio downstairs in the gym. When he left each morning Hanbin had taken to laying in bed alone for a good few hours. He tried to fall back to sleep but usually he couldn’t, once his brain had switched on it was on.

“Enjoy the session,” Hanbin farewelled Yeongjin who was leaving the room still drying his hair.

“Thanks,” Yeongjin replied, tossing the towel onto Hanbin playfully.

After the last few weeks of them having resumed having sex Hanbin felt the tension between them had eased. And it was only now that it had eased that he realised how awful things had really been; How accusatory and brutal Yeongjin’s silence had been towards him, how empty and mocking his pleasantries were, how forced and rigid all their interactions had become.

He’d given Yeongjin access to his body and while it granted him a kind of mental safety, it was taking atoll on his body and soul. He closed his eyes and let himself drift somewhere else, but it was hard when Yeongjin’s grip was so tight and passionate. Most of the time he was just there, experiencing it in all its intensity without a filter, burdened by the full knowledge he was being disgustingly dishonest with both of them, and that he was too defeated and tired to do otherwise.

Hanbin was weighed down by the contradictory feeling of being both burdened and being a burden, of being trapped and being the trapper. Although it was Yeongjin hounding him with the questions laden with suspicion and jealousy, it was clear to him that _he_ had made Yeongjin this way. His inability to reassure Yeongjin he loved him and wasn’t planning to leave him only made him more paranoid and aggressive.

“Where are you going?”

“Who are you calling?”

“Who are you texting?”

“Why?

“What you saying to them?

“I’m just curious! Jesus!”

“Why, what do you mean by that?”

“Whatever, doesn’t fucking matter.”

“What time are you leaving? What time are you coming back?”

Yeongjin’s paranoia was so oppressive it effected every part of Hanbin's existence. His appetite was low, he either couldn’t sleep or couldn’t stop sleeping, his stomach felt hollow, he felt ill after eating, sometimes he got  cramps in his chest that scared him, any schedule item felt like too much, like he wasn’t ready for it no matter how much he and Nam prepared. He worried about events days in advance, convinced something would go wrong. In recent interviews and appearances the hosts had been consistently commenting on his serious, intense mood which only made him more self-conscious and convinced his efforts to carry on normally weren’t working. Last week he'd read comments that in a recent appearance some audience members thought he came across as rude and distracted. He was mortified and locked himself in his studio for a week. No one had been able to reassure him, he hadn't let them, he was furious with himself. 

Although he felt claustrophobic at home, he no longer trusted himself to keep it together outside, or for Yeongjin not to flip out about him leaving spontaneously. He stayed in for days in a row, leaving only when he had to. He found himself moving around the house on auto-pilot, walking into rooms and forgetting why he needed to be there, walking into the kitchen and staring into the sink instead of eating, giving up whatever song he’d been working on and sitting in the same spot for hours, overwhelmed by the feeling of achieving nothing.

Every day or so he became disgusted with himself and the sinkhole he was sliding into, and tried to pull himself out of it. Today was one of those days. He dragged himself out of bed and forced himself into the shower. He was going to go downstairs and cook himself breakfast, a decent healthy one. Then he was going to call June because he missed him.

In the kitchen things didn’t go to plan.

“Are you ok?” June asked bluntly, taking Hanbin by surprise. Of all the members June was the least likely to ask a question pertaining to someone’s state of mind. June was incredibly conservative when it came to emotions, he perceived other’s feelings as deeply private things. To ask someone how they were feeling was almost like asking them to undress for him. He hated doing it and when he did do it he _almost_ always ended up regretting it. Jinhwan had been working hard on June for years to try and mould him from robot to sensitive man. Everyone agreed he’d achieved something, but that  the results were of the subtle kind.

“Yeah, why? Has someone been saying something to you about me?”

“No,” June distractedly on the other end of the phone. He was working on some solo tracks he was determined to present to YG by the end of the week. He was so tired and sick of the hiatus he was at the point where he was ready to get shot down by the big dude then sit around and wait any longer for the next chance to perform. “You just sound weird, that’s all.”

And June meant it, Hanbin sounded distant, irritable, erratic. He was wondering why he’d called him when he clearly wasn't in the mood to talk.

Hanbin had June on speaker-phone and was trying to cook healthy banana pancakes at the same time. It wasn’t going well, he had egg-shell in the batter and had used plain flour instead of buckwheat flour.

“Are you sure? Ugh, whatever. Anyway, how are you, what are you up to?”

“Working on some songs…”

“For who? For you?”

“Yeah, I messaged you a few weeks ago….I asked you come listen to them.”

“Shit. Did you? AH SHIT. Sorry, one second, I just burnt my pancake….”

June listened patiently as the sound of rushing water and clanging pans echoed in his ear.

“Sorry, I’m back.”

“Yeah, I did. I asked you to produce them. I want YG to let me do a solo album.”

“You want me to produce your album? Um…I’m not sure you want that actually.”

“Why?” June laughed. “Come on, I trust your taste better than YGs.”

“I dunno….Look, I better go,” Hanbin grunted. The idea of producing an album for June overwhelmed him, he didn’t know if he had the energy right now. And if he fucked it up he’d never forgive himself, even if June did. There was more clanging and the hiss of cold water hitting hot metal.

“Oh, ok then.”

“See you.”

“Are you…are you sure you’re ok?” June asked, his whole body rejecting his own awkward, prying words. But he had to ask, he just had to. Hanbin sounded really not himself.

“Yes, I’m fine. Bye.”

The pancakes were ruined, all of them. It was unbelievable how he’d managed to fuck up such a simple recipe. Hanbin stared at the mess he’d made in the kitchen and the charred, crumbling, disks of goop in the sink.

Fuck it, he didn’t feel hungry anymore anyway. He cleaned up feeling depressed and made his way upstairs.

The sound of laughter came from the hallway that led from the open plan kitchen to the corridor that led to the garage. Yeongjin’s gym was down there. He and the physio were still mid-session, something had amused them. It made Hanbin stop abruptly on the stairs, as if something invisible had grabbed his ankle.

It wasn’t unusual to hear Yeongjin laughing when with company, but there was something about the tone of Yeongjin’s uninhibited amusement that made Hanbin strain his ears. In the mood to torture himself, he found himself listening for some time to Yeongjin’s booming laughter, and the deeper chuckle of the physio.

He hovered in the precarious, dangerous space between wanting to move closer and find out what was so hilarious, and wanting to race upstairs so he wouldn’t have to find out ever. Before he could make up his mind Yeongjin and his physio exited the gym, Hanbin could hear their voices and footsteps echo down the marble lined corridor leading to the garage. Yeongjin was showing the Physio out to his car parked there, as he always did. They were good friends now.

There was the clicking opening and closing of the glass door to the garage, soon after the sound of a car starting up, then the distant sound of the gates of the property opening with a robotic yawn and closing afterwards with a metallic clank.

Hanbin waited to hear the glass door open again, for Yeongjin to return to the loungeroom where he always liked to relax after a painful physio session. He waited, but no Yeongjin. The house sounded truly empty aside from himself, a statue rooted to the spot on the stairs.

An unsettling curiosity propelled him downstairs and down the corridor where he’d heard the laughter. He checked each room as he passed for Yeongjin: the bathroom, the cellar, the storeroom, the gym. Yeongjin was nowhere.

He realised Yeongjin must be in the garage fiddling with his car as he did from time to time, but when he stepped outside into the grey, cavernous space that was the undergound carpark, Yeongjin’s orange Lamborghini sat by itself lonely to the side. Yeongjin was gone, so was the Physio and his car.

Hanbin became aware of how tight his chest felt, like it was encased in tight bandages. An avalanche of suspicion and panic hung over threatening to pile down on him any second. Opening the door to the gym Hanbin wasn’t sure what he was looking for, or even why he was looking. He felt detached from his body, it was making decisions for him and his brain wasn’t keeping up.

He wandered slowly around the bright room filled with equipment, mirrors, benches and weights, letting his fingers graze surfaces as he passed by. This was Yeongjin’s safe place, where he was learning how to move his knee properly again, the place where he was rebuilding his career from the inside out.

_Maybe he had an appointment and the Physio took him? But why, when he can drive himself? Maybe he went for a walk, he didn’t go with he physio after all. Maybe hewas about to walk in any minute…_

Hanbin looked at himself in the floor length mirrors, noticing the strange yellow tone of his skin, the blue under his eyes, the dullness of his hair. He was stunned by how repulsive he found himself.

_Did I really do it? Did I fuck up his career? Is that really what happened? It feels so long ago now, I can barely remember that day, I barely remember the exact moment he fell. I only remember how sick I felt, I wanted to throw up…._

He turned to leave the room unable to bear the gym any longer. As he did the tiniest speck of something shiny on the floor near the mirrors caught his eye. It was so small and insignificant he wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t been for a ray of sun pouring through the windows hitting that exact spot. It was a silver piece of foil, a torn corner off a wrapping of some kind.

He picked it up and stared at it. His heart began to beat faster and faster. His lungs felt heavy, they were full of cement, the air he was breathing was turning to water. His hand settled over his ribs, trying to steady the frenzy below them along with the awful thoughts skidding through his mind like out of control race cars.

He found himself powering back to the loungeroom, up the stairs, down the hall and into his and Yeongjin’s bedroom. He was so tightly locked inside his own mind their bed could have been a nest of flames and he wouldn’t have noticed. He passed through to the bathroom and began rummaging through the cupboards for the dreaded evidence with clumsy, nervous hands.

But of course, they didn’t have any; they hadn’t used condoms for months and month, not since the very beginning of their relationship. Hanbin inspected the tiny corner of foil in his hand, deeply unsettled by what he’d just done.

_It could be the wrapper from a packet of protein powder. A special kind of band-aid? Maybe a protein bar? A pack of supplements? Like, it could be anything, just forget it, leave it, you’re overthinking this…_

But he’d never been able to stop overthinking in the past, why did he think he’d be able to do it now in such an anxious situation?? It was hopeless, he needed to know now to ease his mind or else it was going to haunt him forever.  He searched on his phone for the brand they’d used, his hands shaking and rigid.

_Yep the ones in the black box, click….yep, that’s range, click…now the packaging, are there images…yes, there are, click…_

His breath caught in his throat, the floor melted away from his feet. The packaging was as he remembered, silver foil wrappers, just the same as the wrapper he held nervously between his pointed finger and thumb.

_But wait…_

The packaging in the picture had the brand name printed on them here and there in tiny, delicate purple font. He looked down at the corner in his hand, straining his eyes, hoping and not hoping he would find the confirmation he was looking for.

There it was. It was miniscule, the tiny purple section of font, the rest of it no doubt on the remainder of the foil which was god knows where.

Hanbin stepped backwards until his legs hit the bed and sat down. He stared into the same spot on the floor as the avalanche thundered around him.

In his dazed horror it suddenly occurred to him why Yeongjin’s laughter had caught his attention before. That was the laughter Yeongjin had only ever shared with him. He never laughed that way with friends, Teddy, or his colleagues. It was Yeongjin had laughed when it was just them, alone, back when they were happy.

Hanbin was shocked by how much it hurt, how humiliated and stupid he felt. Pain slammed his chest like a battering ram as he tried to get a grip and think things through.

What did this mean, if Yeongjin was cheating on him? When had it started? Was it just the physio? Were there others? Why was he doing it? Why was he cheating but not wanting to let go of their relationship at the same time? But most importantly, what was he going to do about it?

Without warning, a box that he’d packed away in the back of his mind a long time ago opened up, its contents presenting themselves to him on by one.

 

***

 

In hindsight Bobby realised he probably shouldn’t have brought it up with Hanbin just after they’d had sex. He should have waited for a different kind of moment. One when they weren’t still lazing in each other’s arms, breathing in the scent of each other’s damp necks, stroking and caressing, finding each other’s lips with their eyes closed.

But timing had always been Bobby’s problem. In music it wasn’t a problem, his sense of rhythm was a natural inbuilt talent. But when it came to communication he was always too early or too late.

Even though he forced himself to do it, he hated confrontation, he loathed it. So, he put it off and off until suddenly he was blurting it out, the internal pressure of it having become too much. And usually it was at the worst moments.

The “IT” currently on his mind was something that had been building up for a while, an indiscernible period of time that could have been one year ago or five.

“Hey…” Bobby rolled aside and propped himself up on his elbow. “I’ve been thinking about something. About us.”

“Mhhmmm?” Hanbin blinked, still languidly satisfied. The next comeback was in four months, little did they know it would never happen.

Hanbin had been working so hard lately they hadn’t had much time to be together like this, enjoying each other so completely. And for a while they hadn’t been on such good terms because the whole Chanwoo recording incident had caused resentment. But finally, Hanbin had apologised to Chanwoo and now Bobby was showering him with sex, the passionate, heady kind. He was in the mood to indulge Bobby in return, in any way he wanted. 

“I think we need to spend more time with other people. I think we need to have our own lives, outside each other.”

_What._

Bobby could see he’d taken Hanbin by surprise. He could feel it even more clearly. Everyone said Hanbin was scary when he was angry, but they didn’t know what it was like to hurt Hanbin’s heart. Bobby would argue till the day he died that was one thousand billion times scarier.

When Hanbin was genuinely wounded he froze up, his whole body became stiff, all emotions vacated his face so he was impossible to read, he turned away, his whole being radiating injury like a beaten puppy. It was awful, and Bobby could feel it now, Hanbin cooling down next to him rapidly, taking on his words, trying to understand them. Panicking Bobby began to babble.

“I just think it’s a good idea if we spend time doing our own thing too sometimes…seeing our own friends.”

“You think we’re too…” Hanbin said finally in what was meant to be a measured tone but came out sounding very severe.

“Maybe, I dunno…I just think it’s healthier.”

“You don’t think we’re healthy the way we are?”

“No, I don’t think we’re _unhealthy_. Well…” Bobby hesitated, not wanting to accuse Hanbin but wanting to be honest all the same. “I know I’d appreciate more space from time to time….and it would make me happy to see you giving the same amount of attention to other people that you give me…like, your family, and the boys, and I dunno, meet some _new_ people who can inspire you and stuff...”

Hanbin, who had now rolled onto his back and was looking up at the ceiling blankly, nodded, unaware of the way he was furiously fiddling with the sheets in his hands.

“I don’t give the boys enough attention?”

“Well, look, they know you love them, without a doubt. We’re brothers, we’re family. But, I think you can give them… _more_ …I think they need it. These recording periods are hard for them, they need to get close to you again after you’ve torn them all down. It’s hard for them seeing us so close with all our PDA, you need to give them the same love dude…”

 “Ok…” This was all news to Hanbin, Bobby could tell, and it pained him that Hanbin wasn’t taking it well.

The thing was he and Hanbin rarely fought, but when they did it was always about issues that were frighteningly big and hard to define.

Bobby often wished he and Hanbin had the ordinary problems couples usually had. He wished he and Hanbin bickered, fought over little things like snoring, stealing the blankets, fighting over what movie to watch, whose bed they were sleeping in tonight, whose parents they saw too much of, whose they saw too little of.

He wished sometimes Hanbin was really messy, or maybe he made gross noises when he ate, or that he was forgetful and never remembered his birthday.

But that wasn’t the case.

Bobby’s biggest fear with Hanbin wasn’t even one he was totally aware of himself, it was more a feeling than a well thought out realisation, something he couldn’t articulate at the time. But what he felt deep down in a wordless, worried way, was that at some point since he and Hanbin had gotten together, Hanbin had begun to lose himself in their relationship.

Hanbin desired a kind of closeness and intimacy that knew no bounds. You gave him an inch, he took a mile. There were times when that intimacy was so addictive, so sexy Bobby couldn’t get enough of it. It came from a place of effortless chemistry between them, the most primal parts of themselves that just happened to find each other insanely attractive, fascinating adorable, and beautiful.

Even on bad day, when Hanbin was grumpy, anxious and overworked, when Bobby was overtired, strung out and desperately needing alone time to recharge, they could still have moments when what was meant to be a simple glance melted into something more. Bobby’s stomach still fluttered when Hanbin walked through the door, his heart raced when he heard Hanbin’s voice in the next room. When he walked in on Hanbin hard at work, frowning at his computer screen, hands flying across the keyboard, his stomach flipped with desire and pride.

Their intimacy was absolute, nothing could top it. Bobby knew that he’d never experience this kind of closeness with another person in his lifetime. Hanbin was his boss. His best friend. His leader. His brother. His band mate. His colleague. His creative partner. His lover. His boyfriend. His crush. His favourite person. His role model. His hero. His muse.

Hanbin fulfilled him on so many levels, and he was sure that he did the same for Hanbin…but why then was Hanbin never satisfied. Why did he always need _more_?

At times Bobby felt like Hanbin needed his reassurance and adoration like a drug, it was the first thing he searched for when he woke, it was the last thing he needed before sleeping. He needed multiple doses a day, as many as he could push for. And each dosage cost Bobby energy.

At times Bobby felt claustrophobic, burdened, pressured, even worried, like he was finite resource constantly being overused.

Other than his own fear he was going to burn out, he also feared that if he didn’t remain in a state of constant vigilance Hanbin would unintentionally sabotage himself, he’d tumble so far into their relationship he’d forget who he was.

One of the essential parts of Hanbin that Bobby had fallen for originally was his strength and individuality, his ability to hold his own and his opinions fiercely and bravely. But it felt to Bobby it was those parts of Hanbin that were most at risk. The more he let Hanbin dissolve into him, the more he feared he was losing the Hanbin he’d fallen for.

It seemed extreme, but Bobby honestly wanted Hanbin to love himself more than he loved him. Never, ever, ever, did he want Hanbin to put his own dreams, goals, ideas, and needs second to their relationship. Or the well-being of boys for that matter. But sometimes he did.

Bobby painfully noted the way Hanbin looked at him more than the other boys when he spoke, the way he clung to him at times, unintentionally keeping the boys at a distance. Sometimes he worried he was a distraction for Hanbin, an easy route, a cover-up for his shyness and introversion, something that stopped him making as much of an effort with the other boys as he should.

Bobby knew Hanbin didn’t contact his family as much as he should because he could get the reassurance he needed more quickly from him, his boyfriend. Bobby also knew Hanbin made no effort to make new acquaintances, to build new relationships. He locked himself away in his studio and turned to him for almost every need he had. He was Hanbin’s one-stop-shop.

Maybe at one point in time it had been incredibly, addictively satisfying for Bobby to feel like Hanbin’s world. But somewhere along the line, it had become exhausting.

He could feel Hanbin’s hurt and surprise, but that wasn’t how he wanted him to feel. Bobby wished he could tell Hanbin that he was simply doing the unfortunate duty of saving Hanbin from himself.

“I just think we need…more space…more time apart.” Bobby suggested finally. “And for you to work on…different relationships.”

“Ok.” Hanbin said in a business-like tone that made Bobby feel awkward.

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

If he’d known that the conversation would have resulted in the worst two months of his life, Bobby would never have said anything, he would have just kept his mouth shut. But he hadn’t known, he’d been naively hopeful. Hanbin apologising to Chanwoo for the first time ever had given him hope.

For the first two weeks he was overjoyed to notice Hanbin had stopped focusing on him when he spoke to them as a group. He’d been pleasantly surprised that Hanbin began to take seats next to the other boys, letting them fuss over him, taking them up on their invitations to hang out, proactively sought after their company. And he’d been relieved that he had more time to himself. Each day Hanbin spent time with one of the boys, Bobby’s claustrophobia began to ease. He’d been just as relieved to hear that Hanbin was out one day because he was spending time with his parents and sister. It was a huge weight off his back, an exciting rush to think that maybe they had finally found the balance in their relationship that they’d been needing.

He was also happy to hear that Hanbin was cultivating his friendship with Jaewon, Raesung and bunch of other YG writing-rapping-artsy-misfits. Bobby didn’t mind Jaewon, they had little in common but he respected the guy. As soon as he’d met him he’d understood why he and Hanbin got along so well. Creatively they were peas in a pod, and Jaewon was so chill Hanbin’s intensity washed over him without disturbing a single pretty hair on his pretty head.

Maybe Hanbin hadn’t liked being told the truth in the moment, and maybe it had been a poorly chosen moment to bring it up, but it seemed to Bobby he had sincerely taken on his words.

By the end of the third week he and Hanbin were taking space, Bobby was starting to experience a kind of boredom, an emptiness. With delight he realised he’d recharged, he was ready for Hanbin again. He was missing him.

That day they went out as a group at the local supermarket, Yunheong’s boring idea of a “group outing.” Bobby had taken Hanbin by the arm, wanting to show him a particularly hilarious wig in the costume aisle. Hanbin smiled forcibly then kept walking to catch up with Donghyuk.

The next day he asked Hanbin to go get coffee with him. But he was too busy, he was writing with Jaewon.

The day after that he was busy working. With Raesung. 

The day after that he was too tired, too busy, seeing friends. By the way, did Bobby know how talented Raesung was? He was a _genius_. Songwriting had never been so fun and satisfying. He wanted to write _every_ song with Raesung.

Bobby decided to confront Hanbin the next opportunity they had, which unfortunately was a stage performance.

“So remember, make sure you move on the right beat,” Hanbin reminded them all, looking at all the boys in the eye except for Bobby before they moved on stage.

“Yeah, unlike last time,” Bobby joked, waiting for Hanbin to throw him one of those special smiles he reserved just for him. Hanbin ignored the comment completely and Bobby’s stomach sank.

_Yep, we’re going to talk. Asshole._

As they walked off stage and down to the dressing rooms Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s arm and pulled him aside.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Bobby demanded.

“What?” Hanbin replied shortly, not looking at him.

“You’re being weird, you’re ignoring me…”

“I’m giving you space, I’m doing what you wanted.”

“Come on…don’t be like this…”

“Be like what?” Hanbin retorted. He was either clueless as to how cold he was being or doing a very good job at acting as if that was the case. Bobby suspected it was the latter, he knew how spiteful Hanbin could be, how stubborn. He was almost certain he was being punished for wanting space, for protecting Hanbin from himself.

“Seriously, don’t do this.” Bobby pleaded. “Let’s talk, properly.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hanbin shrugged and walked away.

After that things changed, slightly. Most of the time Hanbin ignored him, but every now and again, maybe once a day Hanbin smiled at him, acknowledged something he said, nodded in agreement. But he still didn’t have time to hang out with Bobby one on one, therefore those small gestures seemed hollow. They were Hanbin throwing Bobby a lifeline then dunking him with a tidal wave.

“Are you guys ok…?” Dnghyuk asked finally. He hated getting involved in double b problems, all the boys did. It was an unspoken policy in the group – don’t get involved in couple arguments. It was the job of the couples to sort their shit out, no one else’s.

They’d learned the hard way that intervening only made things worse, it forced people to take sides. They needed to stay impartial to be a family and work together. So double b kept their problems to themselves and fixed them in their own way, and the boys left them alone. But Bobby had been so utterly miserably and sulky for the last few weeks, and Hanbin had been so busy, happy and distracted with his new friends that Donghyuk was reaching the end of his tether.

“Yep. We are just fine.” Bobby muttered, stabbing his control set with his thumbs, barely listening to Dong as he continued playing angrily.

“Ok then…if you say so, because you guys are really tense right now and it’s kinda making me hate the time we spend altogether.”

“Tell Hanbin. He doesn’t want to talk to me right now.”

“Okaaay then…”

It came as a great surprise to Bobby when Hanbin decided to get them altogether to watch his “Get it Beauty” appearance in the loungeroom. He even came to Bobby personally, knocking on his door and leaning against his doorway shyly.

“Come and watch me?”

“Yeah, sure…” Bobby took his headset off slowly, wondering if he was hallucinating this Hanbin speaking to him because he’d been gaming for too many hours in a row.

“Cool.” Hanbin gave him a smile that gave him wobbly knees. He put on some fresh clothes and went to join the boys straight away. Maybe this was a sign things were going to get better?

Bobby squeezed in next to Jinhwan, June and Chanwoo on the couch, while Hanbin sat on beanbags in front with Yunhyeong and Donghyuk.

“So, who’s on the show with you?” Jinhwan asked.

“Mino and Jaewonnie,” Hanbin replied quickly. “Look, see how good they look. Jaewon especially.” He pointed at the screen as the camera focused on the trio walking towards the studio as dreamily as possible.

As the boys teased Hanbin, their way of complimenting him, Bobby smiled. Hanbin looked really gorgeous with his blonde streaked hair smoothed down like that.

As the show went Hanbin offered a commentary that was at first amusing and silly.

“We were so awkward then, none of us knew what to do!”

“Look at Mino! Hah! He looks like a turtle. Yeah, yeah, I know, I look like a monkey.”

 But it quickly became awkward when Hanbin suddenly wouldn’t stop talking about Jaewon and his many charms. Bobby shifted uncomfortably in his spot, Jinhwan noticed.

Bobby got it, Jaewon was Hanbin’s new friend and Hanbin was the type to get close and clingy quickly. Jaewon was the type to let it happen quickly. But in light of what had been going on between them, Hanbin’s stubborn coldness and constant unavailability, his comments about how wonderful Jaewon was were landing on Bobby like flying darts.

“I told Jaewon to be entertaining, to walk out there and do something funny. But he’s so awkward, he wouldn’t anything, he just walked on like that. He’s a funny guy...”

“Look at him! He was so nervous he was shaking so bad, but he was still so cute.”

“Yep. “Face Genius.” He was the best-looking guy on the show without a doubt. He put Mino and I to shame. Honestly, he’s the best-looking guy here at YG, hands down.”

 “See the jumper he’s wearing, we bought that together the other day when we went shopping. Also, he took me to this awesome gallery, I’ll tell you all about it later.”

With every tone-deaf comment Hanbin uttered, completely oblivious to the horrendous tension in the room, the boys winced and found themselves snatching glances at Bobby who was smiling bitterly, utilising his defense mechanism against anger when in public or under pressure. It was his way of covering up his raging emotions until he was alone and could process them, of powering through a confronting moment like the one that was unfolding.

The boys had all noticed the tension between Hanbin and Bobby for the last two months but hadn’t gotten involved. But now all of them, except for June who as usual remained oblivious and was in fact yawning, were desperate for an intervention so this awkward moment could be over as soon as possible. 

Chanwoo nudged Jinhwan with wide eyes wanting him to step in a do something; Jinhwan kept looking nervously at Bobby trying to catch his attention but his dead eyes remained fixed on the screen; Donghyuk scratched the back of his head nervously not daring to look behind him at Bobby’s smiling face which he knew was hiding pain; and Yunheyong stared at Hanbin, desperately trying to make eye contact with him and tell him to stop; but Hanbin remained oblivious, continuing his monologue about Jaewon and how funny, clever, cool and sexy he was.

Then just when the boys didn’t think it could get worse, it did.

“Oh look, watch this part, this part is good,” Hanbin smiled with satisfaction. He seemed almost proud of himself.

Music began and then Dara and Mino were dancing to _Really Really_. Very clearly just behind them Hanbin and Jaewon began the skinship. Hanbin on screen draped himself over Jaewon, pulling him face close, seductively smiling at him.

The room fell into stunned silence. Never before had Hanbin been so openly flirtatious in public with someone other than one of them in jest, or with Bobby. Finally, June sat up in surprise and looked around to see if anyone else was seeing what he was.

Bobby’s bitter smile disappeared in a millisecond. 

“He’s so cute!” Hanbin murmured in awe. He clearly wasn’t talking about Mino’s dancing.

Bobby stood up without a word and stormed out of the room. There was a loud slam, his bedroom door closing with force.

There was an unbearable silence as the boys waited for Hanbin to respond. But he simply turned back to the TV as if nothing had happened. Although it seemed he wasn’t going to continue his commentary. Jinhwn grabbed the remote and turned off the tv. 

“I think we’re all tired. Let’s watch the rest of this another time,” Jinhwan announced to the shell-shocked boys who stood in relief in it was finally over and moved to the kitchen. They knew this was jinhwan’s moment to confront Hanbin and they were going to leave him to work his magic.

“Go!” Jinhwan mouthed to June who was dallying around waiting for him. June shrugged and joined the boys.

Hanbin remained seated on his beanbag in front of the tv staring into space, his face unreadable.

“What the _fuck_ was that??” Jinhwan demanded. Hanbin didn’t reply. “You need to go speak to him,” Jinhwan informed him.

“I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed,” Hanbin replied leisurely, standing up and stretching with a yawn.

“No. You’re going to speak to him, _now_.” There was something so sharp and stern in Jinhwan’s voice Hanbin blushed.

“Fine,” Hanbin shrugged. He wandered to Bobby’s room slowly, dragging his feet, Jinhwan watching him closely to make sure he didn’t change his mind. He was going to throw Hanbin in there and bolt the door shut if he had to. He watched Hanbin knock, wait, fail to receive a response, and carefully proceed in without invitation. Jinhwan sighed and joined the boys in the kitchen who were looking to him for an explanation.

Hanbin had been in Bobby’s room for less than a minute when the shouting began. It was so loud and ferocious the boys looked at each other in horror.

“shit…” Donghyuk murmured.

“Go to bed guys. Don’t worry about it, they’ll sort it out. They always do,” Jinhwan ordered, trying to sound confident.

“How can we sleep through this though?” Chanwoo quipped.

“Just go,” Jinhwan snapped. The boys fled to their rooms.

The shouting match lasted fifteen minutes but it felt like an hour. Bobby was doing most of the shouting which made it even more upsetting. It was horrible knowing he’d completely lost the chill and calmness he prided himself on.

In the kitchen Jinhwan couldn’t bring himself to stop listening even though he couldn’t hear what they were saying. The only thing he heard clearly was Bobby repeating the same phrase over and over again:

_“What the fuck Hanbin??? What the fuck??”_

A few times it got so loud Jinhwan began to walk down the hallway to intervene, but he stopped himself each time. He didn’t know if he’d only make things worse.

After they finally fell silent Jinhwan waited another fifteen minutes to greet Hanbin as he left Bobby’s room. But he didn’t emerge, maybe they were talking it over more quietly, that’s what he hoped. He went to bed full of anxiety and lay awake for a long time.

The next day he woke early and went to check on Bobby. He’d go downstairs and check on Hanbin next. He knocked on Bobby’s door gently but got no response. He opened the door as quietly as he could and peered inside.

To his surprise Bobby wasn’t alone, Hanbin was in bed next to him, his arms around him.  Jinhwan closed the door feeling confused but relieved. He was in awe of the fact they’d managed to make up in one night, he couldn’t believe it. The night before he would have bet a decent amount of money they wouldnt' be speaking to each other for a week minimum. He went back to bed to catch up on lost sleep.

Later that day he and ran into Bobby in the kitchen.

“You made up?”

“Mmmm.” Bobby mumbled from where he was sitting at the table, his mouth full of food. He looked tired and flat, not relieved at all.

“Is everything ok now…?”

Bobby shrugged.

“I guess so.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“Things are ok. For the meantime. That’s all I can say.” Bobby’s pragmatism and non-committal shrug made Jinhwan’s stomach sink.

Because of Bobby’s pessimistic outlook he was then even more baffled when he joined Hanbin at his studio later that day to find out his side of the story.

“Are you and Bobby ok now?” He asked.

“What? Oh yeah…yeah, we’re fine. We’re great.” Hanbin smiled, and Jinhwan could tell that he really, really meant it.

 

***

 

 

Hanbin wiped his damp face with the back of his hand and let out a long sigh. He hadn’t thought about that terrible fight he’d had with Bobby for a long time, it had been a conscious decision not to do so. It was too painful, too guilt-inducing. Thinking about it made his whole body cringe and it became all he could think about for a week at least.

Back then, had he made Bobby feel the way Yeognjin had made him feel now? Was that how Bobby had felt? This complete utter humiliation and betrayal?

_If it was anything close to this, you should have just left me Jiwon…_

Sure, he’d never ever actually cheated on Bobby, at least not physically. But in a way that only made it worse, the fact he’d made it seem like he had.

Hanbin finally found the strength to stand. His shock was turning to anger and disgust, it was giving him momentum. He felt a resignation towards the situation come over him, he realised he was done, he’d had enough.

He should have left weeks ago, back when he’d had his first doubts. Staying with Yeongjin out of guilt had only done them a massive disservice. He was slowly dying from the strain of being something he wasn’t, and Yeongjin was slowly dying from pretending nothing between them had changed. What was he staying for now? To simply watch himself and Yeongjn degrade the ghost of their relationship? To punish himself? To placate Yeongjin with delusions?

He couldn’t do it anymore, it was over.

He began packing a backpack, he couldn’t take everything now, just what would fit into his car. He stuffed clothes into carry bags erratically, throwing sneakers, jeans and shirts all in together. He felt an urgency to leave now, he couldn’t wait. He felt like he was underwater thrashing towards the surface to take his first breath in a long time.

He loaded his arms with carry bags and opened the bedroom door. He turned the corner in the hallway on and smacked into someone.

“WOAH!” Hanbin was startled but it was just Teddy. 

“Oof! Sorry kid,” Teddy grunted, trying to steady him “Was just on my way out. I finished his accounting for this month, and Jesus Christ, I tell you, if he spends the same amount next month I’m going to fuckin...” He noticed Hanbin’s arms full of clothes and bags. “What’s this? You good?”

“I’m leaving him. It’s over,” Hanbin gushed.

“ _What._ ” Teddy’s face fell.

“I can’t stay any longer, I can’t do it, it’s killing me…”

“Hanbin, what the fuck, why the fuck are you saying this? Come here, let’s talk, put this stuff down!”

Hanbin reluctantly allowed Teddy to usher him back into the bedroom and unload his arms.  Teddy had never spoken to him in such a concerned fatherly way, and it was exactly what he needed right now. Teddy sat him down on the bed and stood in front of him with arms crossed.

“Talk to me. What’s going on??”

Hanbin felt his throat constrict. He’d felt so calm and resolved moments before, but now that he had to speak about it he felt completely unhinged.

“Yeongjin just went out, about twenty minutes ago…,” he stammered.

“Yeah? He does that from time to time….” Teddy chuckled.

“His car isn’t there. I think he went out with his physiotherapist.”

“What? What do you mean?” Teddy narrowed his eyes. His eyes dropped to Hanbin’s hands in his lap. He’d taken out the silver wrapper out of his pocket and was fiddling with it anxiously. “What are you saying…?”

“Is Yeongjin cheating on me?” Hanbin asked, looking at Teddy directly and calmly. “Please, don’t worry about hurting me. I just need to know.”

“Yeongjin? _Cheating_ on you?” Teddy reiterated with wide eyes. “Jesus Christ, how would I know…?”

Hanbin clenched his eyes shut and Teddy cleared his throat, realising his answer probably hadn’t been the most appropriate one.

“Look, has he given you any signs? Where the fuck is this coming from?”

“I don’t know.” Hanbin breathed looking down at the foil in his hands, “I just…”

“What’s this??” Teddy grunted, taking the foil from Hanbin and holding it up between them accusingly. “What the fuck even is this?”

“I found it in the gym, I think it’s-”

“I can see what it is. It’s a wrapper of some kind…kid, this is _rubbish_.” Teddy grumbled, making Hanbin blush.

“I just have this feeling that he is.” He didn’t want to cry in front of Teddy, but that was the direction he was heading fast. He felt exhausted and degraded. It was as if Yeongjin wasn’t the one hurting him, he was hurting himself.

“I need to leave him.”

Teddy groaned. Realising how serious Hanbin was he grabbed his shoulders.

“Now look, listen to me kid, don’t fucking leave him now. He’s on the right fucking track and I swear to God if you leave him he’s going to have a melt-down. Now, I don’t know what the fuck you think that piece of rubbish is, but that’s all it is, _rubbish_!”

Teddy stalked to the bathroom where he disposed of the foil into the bin. Hanbin watched him forlornly, unsure about everything now. Maybe Teddy was right, maybe he was losing his mind. Teddy returned and gripped him by the shoulders again.

“Look, listen to me. All I know is this: Yeongjin loves you, he’s just as in love with you as he ever was. He’s crazy about you. I’ve never seen him like this with anyone. It’s just you.”

“Teddy, I don’t know if I can take this,” Hanbin confessed in a strangled voice. “I don’t know what to do with him. I don’t know what to think. I can't trust him anymore!”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T TRUST HIM ANYMORE?! HE’S NOT CHEATING ON YOU!”

“You really think that?”

“YES.”

Teddy’s emphatic tone finally gave permission for the tears to run. He hated that he was crying in front of Teddy, but he couldn’t stop.

“You gotta believe me kid, this is a bad time to go. Don’t be acting on suspicions like this, it’s not healthy. Ok??”

“Ok,” Hanbin whispered.

“Now let me help you put your shit away before he comes home and freaks the fuck out.”

 

***

 

Tonight was the night. Minjee was finally going to listen to _Love and Fall_. She’d put it off long enough, and Bobby’s recent attention had softened her resistance. She was touched by how patient he’d been with her over the whole Cedric Grolet masterclass fiasco. He’d cancelled the class for her without another word about it, they hadn’t mentioned it again.

They had resumed texting every day, and now that Bobby had finished his promotions he was coming around regularly for food and company. Some days he was subdued and distracted, other days he was energetic and annoying. Once or twice Minjee scolded him for being bipolar, something Bobby brushed off by thumping her gently with a pillow.

Minjee didn’t know if she was imagining things, but she felt as though Bobby needed her in a way he hadn’t needed her before, and more regularly than he’d needed before. There was now no doubt in her mind that she would hear from him before each day ended, that they would share a joke, arrange to catch up. There was a certainty in the way he spoke to her, a conviction about their plans to see each other. 

When he came around he hugged her for longer each time, as if trying to draw strength from her. It was lovely, so incredibly wonderful.

Another reason why she’d decided to listen to Bobby’s album tonight was because of a particular text she’d received from him earlier in the day.

_Yo ur bday is coming up next week!!! You better not have made plans coz I made them for us already._

Her heart had literally stopped when she’d read it. He’d made plans to spend the day with her on her birthday. Just her and Bobby, " _us_ " all day. It was a fucking miracle. She wondered why on earth God was rewarding her for being such a sooky coward but she wasn't about to reject it.

Her plan was to finally listen to Bobby’s album and do as he wished: guess which song it was that he’d written for her.

Not one to do nothing while she listened to music, she searched for _Love and Fall_ on spotify to play while she cooked. Bobby would never know she hadn't listened to the physical album, she smiled to herself. For some reason spotify set the album to shuffle mode, she didn’t mind though. She’d never understood people who insisted on listening to an album in its numbered order.

She listened nervously as she began to roll out the pastry for the walnut, cardamom and apple pie. The first song that came on was cute, she liked it. And she agreed, Bobby really was an Alien. She was going to text him that later. She sang along to Bobby’s soulful, lively vocals happily.

The next song didn’t catch her attention at first. But when Bobby began to sing the first verse her stomach dropped, she paused what she was doing and found herself listening urgently for every word to unfold.

 

 _I like you a lot, you’re beautiful girl_  
Tonight, I wanna get to know you more  
We were friends for a while but it’s the same as the beginning  
I wanna surf on your wavy body  
You’re my nuna, you’re my family  
We’re friends with benefit  
But I wanna stop this weird relationship  
I wanna call you baby but I can’t  
We’re too similar, we get sick of things so fast

Paralysed, she stood there listening intently, hardly daring to believe what her own ears were hearing. She was trembling all over. Her apple pie lay in pieces completely forgotten.

_Where is love?_  
Between you and me?  
Even if one doesn’t know  
The two of us know  
  
On this lonely night  
I wanna sleep in your arms  
When the morning sun rises  
We’ll go back to being friends

 

***

 

“Where are you going?” Yeongjin demanded.

Hanbin was trying to slip away upstairs. He’d desperately needed to eat all day but hadn’t wanted to face Yeongjin or his friends. He’d waited all day for them to leave but they hadn’t, they’d stayed down in the loungeroom almost all day, eating, drinking, and smoking.

He’d left the safety of his studio out of desperation, made some instant ramen in the kitchen as discreetly as possible and now wanted to return to safety. But Yeongjin had noticed him. 

_Please not in front of your friends. Please. Please. Please._

Hanbin hadn’t slept in his bed with Yeongjin for over a week now. Teddy’s certainty had given him a dosage of reassurance that had lasted a few hours only. When Yeongjin had returned home the evening of Hanbin’s discovery, Hanbin had nonchalantly asked him where he’d been.

“Just out and about.”

Hanbin wasn’t the least bit convinced. Yeongjin usually told him about his day in depth. Suspicion and darkness clouded his mind as he struggled to sort out fact from fiction. He was back to square one: complete utter doubt.

His excuse for not sharing the bed with Yeongjin had been that he was overwhelmed with deadlines and simply found it easier to sleep on the couch near his desk. The truth was he couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t be intimate with Yeongjin ever again. To do so would only be to degrade each other with lies.

At first Yeongjin had been unconcerned by Hanbin’s new sleeping arrangement, but after the third night the tension had set in between them hard and fast. Yeongjin hadn’t confronted him about it yet, but Hanbin knew it was only a matter of time, before the tension reached it's limit, and the dread was making him physically ill.

_Just not in front of other people…anything but that…_

“I need to get back to work.” Hanbin replied, continuing up the stairs. Yeongjin’s friends, about five of them continued chatting amongst each other, completely indifferent towards him. Hanbin didn’t know if he was imagining it but Yeongjin’s friends had been particularly cool towards him lately. He wondered if Doony had spread the word Yeongjin’s accident had been his fault.

“Stay down here for a bit, come,” Yeongjin slipped his cigarette between his lips and slapped his thighs, inviting Hanbin to take a seat.

“I’m really busy, I don’t have time,” Hanbin replied shortly. There was no way he was sitting on Yeongjin’s lap ever again or hanging out with his friends. No way.

Yeongjin frowned and his friends fell silent, none of them looked at Hanbin.

Hanbin was nearly at his studio when he heard the sound of someone running up the stairs, two at a time. He opened the door quickly but as he went to shut it behind him Yeongjin caught the door with his hand and heaved it open. It flew open and banged against the wall making him jump.

Hanbin turned and walked to his desk, not willing to engage, but Yeongjin caught his arm and yanked him into a constricting embrace, smashing his lips against Hanbin’s. The instant ramen were thrown from his hand and landed with a boiling splash on the floor. Yeongjin taken him completely by surprise and for a few seconds Hanbin didn’t even know what was happening. He was disgusted by the inside of Yeongjin’s mouth which tasted like whiskey and something earthy. Suddenly Yeongjin’s actions made sense, he was out of his mind drunk. Possibly high. 

Sickened and angry he began to resist and Yeongjin threw him backwards hard onto the sofa he’d been sleeping on for the past few week. Before Hanbin could get up Yeongjin had kneeled on on top of him crushing his chest.

“HEY!” Hanbin cried, shocked by Yeongjin’s aggression. But Yeongjin put his cigarette in his mouth to free his hands and began undoing his jeans and belt. Hanbin realised what was about to happen and began to struggle more wildly.

“STOP!” Yeongjin wasn’t listening, he was undoing his jeans now. Then before Hanbin knew what he was doing, he grabbed Yeongjin’s face and pushed as hard as he could, taking advantage of the fact he was leaning down for a second. Yeongjin lost balance and tumbled onto the floor.

Hanbin stared down at Yeongjin who stared back at him in disbelief.

_This is it. He’s going to go off…_

 Yeongjin suddenly laughed, loud and drunkenly, like Hanbin had just told him a brilliant joke. Yeongjin picked himself up clumsily and smirked at Hanbin.

“You know what, I liked that. Do you know why?”

“Can you leave. I need to work,” Hanbin interrupted with a shaking voice, not wanting to hear another word.

“I liked that, because for once in your fucking, miserable cowardly life, you stood up for yourself! That’s incredible, well done!”

“Get out,” Hanbin ordered, trying his hardest not to listen to Yeongjin’s cruel words.

“For once, you weren’t such a fucking doormat! You weren’t such a fucking pussy! Kudos to you, looks like you’re finally manning up! I fucking love it! Seriously Hanbin, I’m here for it,” Yeongjin informed him in a grossly mocking tone.

“GO!” Hanbin snapped, pushing Yeongjin towards the door. Yeongjin stumbled backwards, too drunk and off balance now to steady himself. Hanbin slammed the door shut and immediately locked the door. Yeongjin wasn’t finished though, he continued shouting.

“SO IS THIS THE NEW HANBIN? IS IT FINALLY TIME TO SAY FAREWELL TO PITIFUL, PATHETIC, NEUROTIC HANBIN WHO COULDN’T EVEN WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?? AWESOME! THANK FUCK! ABOUT FUCKING TIME! I’M SICK OF THAT PRICK!”

Shaken, Hanbin went to his desk, put on his headphones and put on the loudest song he knew. He honestly didn’t know when Yeongjin went away, all he knew was that when he finally had the strength to check after ten songs, he was gone.

He listened carefully for the sound of voices downstairs but the house was silent. The relief was overwhelming. Through stinging, blurry eyes Hanbin looked at the cold ramen spilt on the floor, the long wobbly ribbons soaked in red sauce. It looked disgusting.

As he picked up the mess, cold noodle by cold noodle, an idea came to mind out of nowhere. Or maybe it came from the dark, scared part of his mind that knew the full extent of how how trapped he was but was trying to keep it from the rest of his mind so as not to send him into breakdown.

All he knew was that Yeongjin was unstable on a level far deeper than he’d ever imagined, there was a darkness there that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. It was chilling. He realised there was now no telling what Yeongjin would or wouldn’t do. Hanbin felt a genuine, compelling fear for his safety but if he wanted out he was going to have to change tactics. He was going to have to be subtle if he wanted to avoid an escalation.

He jumped up and checked that his studio door was still locked then got out his phone. He typed the number in because it hadn’t been in his phone for a long time, but strangely enough he still remembered it. He typed up his message fast and pressed send. Then waited for a reply.

 

 

***

 

_“How would you feel about working together again?”_

Bobby stared at Hanbin’s text message in disbelief.

Was Hanbin _drunk_? Something had to be behind this, he didn’t understand. He didn’t even realise Hanbin still _had_ his number. They hadn’t spoken since the hip hop festival and that hadn’t been the best interaction ever. In fact, it had left Bobby incredibly depressed.

He knew he had to reply, there was no way he would let this slip. _But what on earth was he going to say?_

_Us? Work together again?? How will it work, and why now?? Are you ready for this?? This is coming from nowhere? There is still so much tension out there between us…between me and your dumbass boyfriend…like, we need to talk this over?? Dude, I still have feelings for you!!!! Do you even know that?? How can you not know that?!?! This isn’t a conversation we can have via text!??!_

For that reason, he gave up drafting texts. He needed to speak to Hanbin directly. His heart beat wildly and his stomach rippled as he waited for Hanbin to pick up.

 “Hi,” Hanbin’s voice was soft and muted.

“Hey, I got your text.”

“I want to get iKON back together.” 

Bobby was silent as he tried to process Hanbin’s words. Maybe he’d misheard him. Never in a million years did he think he’d be hearing them.

“Do you think it’s possible?” Hanbin continued, “to the get the group together again?”

Bobby hadn’t misheard him. Hanbin was serious.

 “I…I’m just wondering why _now_ though?” Bobby asked.

“It’s been too long.”

“Yeah, _years_ …”

Hanbin chuckled and Bobby couldn’t help smiling at the sound. He and Hanbin had never called each other on the phone much when they’d been together, simply because they’d lived and worked together every day. There was something intimate and special about hearing Hanbin’s breath and voice on the line. His heart ached but he forced himself to keep cool.

“Have you spoken to any of the boys?”

“No, didn’t want to get their hopes up in case…”

“In case what? I said no?”

“I knew you wouldn’t say no.” Bobby’s stomach jolted. “Well, I knew you wouldn’t say no to the _idea_ of iKON working together,” Hanbin explained, “but I thought maybe you’d have doubts it would work because of everything that has happened with you and Yeongjin…and you and me.”

“Why does Yeongjin matter?” Bobby grunted, hating the fact that Yeongjerk had been factored into the conversation already.

“This is why I’m calling. I think you’ll need to talk to him before we can do this. If we _want_ to do this, that is.”

“Um, why…? I’m not asking him _permission_ to work with you if that’s what you mean?”

“Not permission just…look, this is really awkward, but can you two make up?”

“You want Yeongjin and I to make up?”

“I think that might make things easier for everyone.”

“Ugh…I don’t know about this... _how_? Do I need to meet up with him? I don’t think he’s going to agree to that, I don’t know what will happen if we do meet up…like, fuck…anything could happen…honestly, I think it’s gone too far…”

“Do you really want this?”

“What? To apologise?”

“No, I meant do you want to be iKON again? Don’t feel pressured to say yes, I’ll understand if you don’t. If you don’t think it’s a good idea…for us.”

“No, I do…I want iKON back again. I’ve missed it so much I can’t even describe it. I feel bad for the boys, for the fans…and you feel bad too right, that’s why we’re talking about right now?”

 “I…really regret this hiatus more than anything in my life, and I regret a lot of things… I’m just so sorry about it…” Hanbin took in a shuddering breath that made Bobby hold his own and strain to listen in case he missed something. “…I just want iKON back together, it’s been long enough.”

“Are you ok?” Bobby asked. There was something in Hanbin’s voice now that was almost confessional, but he wasn’t sure Hanbin was getting any catharsis from it. He sounded distraught.

Then he realised what it was about Hanbin’s voice that sounded off: he sounded lonely. There was a terrible fragility in his voice and it was such a painful sound it took Bobby’s breath away.

For a moment they were both silent, Bobby listening to the sound of Hanbin breathing.

“Do you need help?” Bobby tried again, as gently as he could. “Are you in trouble? Because if you-”

“-Ok, so you will make up with Yeongjin?” Hanbin clarified, ignoring his questions. “And we can go from there?” He didn’t want to talk. That worried Bobby even more.

“Sure…I’ll apologise to him. If that’s what you want me to do?”

“Clear the air, so we can start afresh…Oh! When you speak to Yeongjin don’t tell him I asked you to apologise, don’t tell anyone. Please.”

“Well, ok, sure…but why?”

“I just want to keep this private, between ourselves. I don’t want any more drama. Also, if he asks why you’re doing it, tell him that YG spoke to you and that he doesn’t want any more bad blood. Say YG asked you to apologise, that’s why you’re reaching out to him.”

“You want me to tell him YG wants me to reach out to him? Why?”

“I’ll explain later.”

“Look, is everything ok? I don’t understand why you want me to go about it this way.”

 “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll explain later.”

“When’s later though?”

“Can you do this? _Please_?” Hanbin’s voice broke suddenly. Worried, Bobby backed down. Hanbin wasn’t going to tell him what was on his mind right now, he was going to have to wait.

“Ok, but seriously, I really want you to explain it to me…as soon as you can or when you have time.”

“I will. I promise. I need to go now.”

“Ok, bye Hanbin-ah.” Bobby waited for the click of Hanbin hanging up before he did the same.

He exhaled and held his face in his hands. He didn’t even know what part of that conversation to start with first. He was completely, utterly stunned.

 

***

 

Hanbin hung up in surprise.

_Hanbin-ah._

Bobby hadn’t called him that in years. It had a tender effect on the ears, like a hug, a comforting warm kiss on the top of the head. It was just one word, but it was the kindest thing that had been said to him for past few weeks. It made his heart ache so strongly Bobby may as well have punched him in the chest. He didn’t want to be sad anymore, he didn’t want to feel trapped, he didn’t want to be so tired all the time. Tears welled up in his eyes.

_But you got yourself into this situation, you rushed into things with someone you barely knew! You were so fucking keen to take an opportunity to make someone hurt the same way they’d hurt you that you didn’t think! This is karma for being petty, for being a bad person. Deal with it. You know what, in a way you really deserve this. So suck it up Hanbin._

There was no point crying over it. All he could do was wait. Leaving Yeongjin on his own volition was impossible right now, however if iKON got back together….well that would be on YG’s orders, he’d have no choice but to be away from Yeongjin. And as soon as he was away from him, he was going to end it once and for all from a safe distance.

Sure, working with Bobby again was going to be weird, but right now, any awkwardness and tension with Bobby seemed like paradise compared to what he was going through right now with Yeongjin. He was trapped in a cage with a tiger and any move towards the exit was too risky, he was surviving right now by appearing to have given up escaping, by lying low in the corner, keeping still. He needed someone to open the cage for him and let him out, he was desperate.

Was Yeongjin going to accept Bobby’s apology? Who fucking knew, but he was crossing his fingers. It felt like his last way out.

 

***

 

Bobby stood outside Yeongjin’s skatepark full of resignation. He was going to count to ten, to  take a deep breath, and walk in and speak to Yeongjin. He was going to ask if they could talk one on one, he wasn’t going to get angry, he was going to be calm and unflappable. He was going to apologise to Yeongjin for everything that had happened and tell him he didn’t want anymore bad blood. He was willing to let it go and start over, and he hoped he would be too.

_10…9…8…_

It hadn’t been easy getting to this point though. After the phone call with Hanbin Bobby had sunk into a state of torturous confusion.

As he lay in bed trying to sleep it suddenly hit him: there was a very real possibility that he was soon going to working with Hanbin again. Pain and panic consumed him.

_But this means we will have to be friends again and can I really take that?? Can I?? Jesus Christ, can I really work with him when he doesn’t want me anymore?? But I still want him?? No, GOD, NO. I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I STILL LOVE YOU DAMMNIT._

But maybe this was his fate? He was going to have to accept that to have he could have Hanbin in his life, but he couldn’t love him or be loved by him. Was that better than the way things were now?? Or was he about to walk into more torture??

Then something occurred to him. Maybe this was a way he _could_ love Hanbin: to be his friend. Sure, it would be one-sided, but at least he’d have him in his life. Maybe he’d learn to cope with being near Hanbin but not having him…?? Or was this his way deluding himself while he secretly continued to harbour hope deep down?? The truth was he didn’t know, he was going to have to find out. There was something in him that was so starved and hungry it was willing to take the risk.

Then there was the issue of Yeongjin and how much he genuinely despised him. Could he overcome his hatred of Yeongjin for the sake of Hanbin and the boys?

He didn’t know for sure, but the more he thought about it the more he wanted to try. His feud with Yeongjin was now hurting everyone: Hanbin, the boys, the fans, iKON, and himself. And now there was a genuine compelling reason he needed to make up, he wanted to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. Did it mean he was actually going to forgive Yeongjin or forget what he’d done? No way. Never. But he could act like it, sure, if he had to.

_7….6…5…_

What the fuck was going to happen though? Maybe he should have brought body guards. He hoped Wonjung wasn’t going to find out about this, he’d be skinned alive.

_4…3….oh fuck it, let’s get it over and done with._

He pushed open the glass doors and walked in, feeling the dread that came with doing something undignified and humiliating, rather than something that inspired fear. After all there was nothing more Yeongjin could do to hurt him anyway, he’d taken Hanbin, he’d already done his worst.

As he walked towards the skaters across the polished concrete floor of the skatepark it didn’t take long for Yeongjin’s companions to notice his arrival. One of Yeongjin’s onlookers whistled to get Yeongjin’s attention. Bobby cringed.

Yeongjin was smoking and skating at the same time, not doing any tricks, just gliding around, and doing what Bobby thought looked like blatantly showing off his physique.

_Typical. Fucking poser._

When Yeongjin spotted him standing grimly to the side he simply raised his cigarette to his lips and took a long drag. He exhaled it with a smirk and slipped over the edge of a curve and began skating in Bobby’s direction. But just as he reached the edge of the bowl near Bobby, he turned and started right back in the opposite direction.

Bobby watched with impassive rage as Yeongjin continued skating as if he hadn’t even arrived. Yeongjin’s friends tittered and smirked, knowing full well who he was and how Yeongjin felt about him. It was clear to Bobby that Yeongjin was doing his very best to make him feel as unimportant and as small as possible, to make him feel at his mercy. He wasn’t going to put up with it any longer.

“ _Hey”_ He barked, his voice echoing around the cavernous concrete space. “ _Hyung_ , I need to speak to you and I haven’t got all day.”

The skatepark fell silent and all eyes including Yeongjin’s flew over to him. He had his attention now. Yeongjin finally made his way over to Bobby, he didn’t step down to speak to him. Instead he skated circles around Bobby as if he was a surrounded wilderbeest and Yeongjin the predator. He was furious with Yeongjin for his determination to demean him as much as possible, but he held it in. 

_Do it for Hanbin. Do it for him._

“What’s up?” Yeongjin drawled, taking another drag on his cigarette before exhaling it in Bobby’s direction. The smell of it made Bobby sick, so did Yeongjin’s voice.

“I want to talk to you in private. I want us to sort…things out between us..” Bobby gestured awkwardly between himself and Yeongjin. Yeongjin raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips in surprise, but he didn’t say anything. He kept cruising around Bobby in a slow circle.

“Sort things out…” Yeongjin repeated slowly, as if trying the words out for the first time. He finally drew to a halt, crossed his arms and looked down at his shoes as if lost in thought.

“So, are you free now to have a word?” Bobby grumbled, hating that Yeongjin was making him spell everything out like an idiot. Yeongjin looked at him at last and exhaled smoke.

“No.”

“Are you free _tomorrow_?” Bobby asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m free in an hour.”

_……then why didn’t you just say that you asshole!!!???_

“Ok, I’ll meet you in an hour at the place around the corner, that café, the old fashioned one?” Bobby suggested. Yeongjin neither confirmed nor denied, he hopped back on his skateboard, pushed off and glided over to his friends without a backwards glance. 

Unsure whether Yeongjin had even properly agreed to meeting him Bobby left the building in a state of repressed fury, trying his hardest not to feel humiliated.

 

***

 

Bobby was relieved when Yeongjin finally swaggered into the Café fifteen minutes late. He’d been worried that Yeongjin wasn’t even going to turn up.

_Stood up by the greatest enemy in my life so far. What a fucking joke. Even the joker didn’t stand up Batman…._

Yeongjin sat down opposite Bobby at the discreet booth he’d chosen, emanating boredom and nonchalance, grabbed a menu and stared at it. It was rude, but Bobby swallowed his pride. He would let Yeongjin order whatever the hell it was he wanted, then he’d have his full attention and they’d talk.

“The green smoothie and bagel please,” Yeongjin tossed the waiter a charming smile that made Bobby’s stomach turn.

Yeongjin let out a long sigh, checked his phone taking his time, then finally looked at Bobby.

“So…” Bobby began. To be honest he didn’t really know what to say or how to say it. He hadn’t been sure Yeongjin would meet and talk with him in the first place, he hadn’t planned this properly. “I wanted to speak to you about whether…we can start over. I’m not saying we need to be best friends, but I just think…this feud has gone on between us long enough. I’m willing to let it all go, I’m ready. And I want to know if…you are.”

Bobby cleared his throat. His fact felt hot and weird, like it didn’t belong to him. Yeongjin nodded slowly, inspecting his fingers. He remained silent for such a long time Bobby started getting uncomfortable.

“I just think tha-”

“-Why now?” Yeongjin interrupted sharply. Bobby found it interesting that Hanbin had predicted correctly, Yeongjin wanted to know why he was proposing this now after being stubborn for so long. He was suspicious. Bobby realised it was time to slip into actor mode. 

“Look, I’ll be honest with you. My CEO wants me to have a better relationship with you. He thinks the feud narrative is bad for my image, and yours...and Hanbin's.”

Yeongjin gave him a twisted smirk.

“But that’s not the only reason. It’s as I said before…I’m tired. To be honest, I just don’t want us to be enemies anymore, I don’t want to drama and negativity. Let’s just shake hands and start over. I’ll stay in my lane, you stay in yours. I won’t bad mouth you, I won’t give you shit in public places, I won’t diss you in my tracks.”

That seemed to wake Yeongjin up but before he could reply the waiter arrived placing a towering neon green smoothie in front of him along with a dbagel. He began to eat, leaving Bobby waiting once more. He took his time, eating slowly and leisurely. Bobby watched him and when that became awkward he took out his phone. Then he waited some more.

“Is that all you needed to say?” Yeongjin asked, wiping his hands with a napkin, having finished his meal at last.

“I guess so, yeah…” Bobby replied vaguely, the niggling feeling that this conversation wasn’t happening the way he planned starting to get to him.

“Ok,” Yeongjin gathered together his wallet, he was getting ready to leave.

“Hey, you haven’t given me an answer though!” Bobby complained.

“You haven’t apologised.” Yeongjin retorted.

“Fine. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” His face burned, he wasn’t entirely sure if he meant it or not. But he didn’t care. He just needed to sort this shit out, something told him Hanbin was really counting on it. “I’m sorry for what happened at the restaurant, I’m sorry I rejected your apology for what happened at the party, I’m sorry I dissed you in my song.”

“Cute,” Yeongjin chuckled. Bobby’s anger flared up.

“Do you not want this?? Be upfront with me, just say it! If you don’t want this shit to end just fucking say it!”

“Ok, I’ll be upfront with you, Bobby,” Yeongjin stood up and leaned across the table, encroaching on Bobby’s personal space. It was taking all his strength not to lash out at Yeongjin, every single ounce of it. “I _don’t_ want this to end. In fact, I fucking get off on this shit between us. Do you know why?”

“Why” Bobby snapped. Yeongjin smiled merrily at him, a deranged glint in his eyes.

“The more you hate me, the more I love Hanbin. I can’t explain why, it is what it is.” With that Yeongjin left the booth.

“You’re fucking sick,” Bobby spat. “Is this because I refused your apology before?? Is that it??” he stood up to follow Yeongjin out of the café, his anger getting the best of him.

“Sir! The bill!” The waiter cried as Bobby stormed towards the exit.

“Ah, shit….” Bobby cursed under his breath, he was completely flustered. It was only at the counter that he realised what he was doing. He hadn’t ordered a thing, he was paying for Yeongin’s meal.

_BASTARD!_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Schedule explanation:
> 
> https://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1245786


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